Crisis Chinuch Overview

we're focusing in this particular training tonight on the struggles of the seriously of the derek children the ones who have gone here let me let me show you something this is for children who've grown up in a from home brought up in a from family who have at least four out of six of these criteria as you can see they're frequently at war with their parents they're struggling to stay in school or they've been thrown out of school they stopped eating kosher stock keeping shabbos they do drugs and they're sexually active by the way you can follow these i may be jumping backwards and forwards they're in the handout although i'm not going to go with the handout through all them in order i'm going to fly through in different directions the push isn't time to give justice to it but to understand the sugiya we're taking the hardest most struggling groups of kids our yiddish from our homes and to understand what exactly happened to them what is the problem they're dealing with and what's alkhoif kardash to bring them back what can we do to help them we cannot possibly help them if we don't for stay what's the problem in the first place when i started i became a therapist some 32 years ago and the first 10 years or so i like any therapist there are therapists in the room i understand am i correct tonight yes yeah like any good therapist the first 10 years you desperately try to work out what on earth you're doing get supervision you're clueless you're trying to know that but nevertheless you're really clueless and you try and it's a process with shimmush and good supervision it takes a long time about 10 years into it i realized this problem of kids going off was a serious serious problem this wasn't just the odd kid here or there this was a this was epidemic this was happening all over the place kept as quietly as it could be because parents were so embarrassed and ashamed but nevertheless this was growing this was becoming a mageifer obviously today years later you know less mandapalik that we've got a huge problem with children going off and to my experience most people do not have why what the problem was and therefore are somewhat clueless about how to treat it and how to help the kids come back if you don't understand the problem how are you going to understand the solution in 1999 the jewish observer published that was the only magazine in those days some of you may remember it the jewish observer so they published an article written by a very very fine mechanic he's not alive anymore but he wrote an article on the sugar of struggling kids and in that article his premise they brought out in a little gray box to highlight the hachivas of this premise and his premise was quote the overwhelming consensus of orthodox mental health professionals is that children in crisis are going off the derrick because they come from dysfunctional homes now i took umbrage of this for two reasons number one i knew it wasn't true and no one consulted me i was the only therapist in lake with the orthodox therapist at the beginning i was the first and no one even asked my opinion so that was kind of strange so i know where the consensus was i thought i was pretty orthodox so in the way they didn't ask me but i knew it wasn't true and i knew it was a very very dangerous concept to allow to exist in the gas and the reason it's so dangerous is because every child struggling when they walk out the house the way they're dressed if the if the younger nurman if the if the assumption in this street is that we all accept that children going off are coming from dysfunctional homes then when your kid walks out the house they're a walking advertisement that you're dysfunctional i knew what that meant what that meant was in the home prior to them walking out is going to be a war a war when they come down the stairs to go out the house in those few feet is going to be the third world war right there which will always as parents desperately tried to micromanage their children before they walked out the house and announced to the whole world we're dysfunctional they're going to try desperately to fix their kids in those 10 feet between the bottom of the stairs and the door going out and we all know how that that ends up terrible the micromanaging of children to try and stop them announcing to the world where dysfunctional actually greased the rails to cause kids to go off quicker and worse so i knew i had to speak up i also knew it because my wife and i had our eldest daughter who had gone off was struggling then and we were not dysfunctional i was positive of it i asked her she said we're not so it has to be true so i knew we weren't dysfunctional and here we have a kid who's struggling and i also knew what damage it was doing to so many kids and families it was destructive we've been battling this notion for all these years i've done a ton of research i run conferences together with colleagues where we've brought hundreds and i mean hundreds over the three year period of mahantrim robonim khashoggi lay activists people on the streets many many many therapists together to analyze this sugya to sit round the table 20 people in a group to really discuss and debate three hours four times four sessions of three hours of time to discuss and debate and try and work out what's going on what's happening and we did this over three years and we published on this at the end and began to get a better sense of what's happening and still the world you read in the literature they still would prefer to say dysfunctional homes see the reality is this and it's a very very important idea what came first the cards of the horse if you have a child in your home who's in this fourth level four out of six of these criteria that means they're seriously off the dark you have a child like that in your home and you're actually zaika to work with someone or know someone who understands this sugiya and how to help that child come back you will do things under the framework of what we call craic that will bring your child back to health and will quite likely bring them back to tori mitchus while you're doing it you're going to as i'm going to explain tonight you are going to absolutely unhesitatingly do things outside the framework of normal this sugya is crisis in this suggest we walk outside the framework of normal habanem you let it go because that's not this sugya and in sense you allow listen carefully to the language you allow your home to be in this function normative that we would all like to offer our children a regular toyota home this home that already has a causing crisis will have to go into dis function to save their life posture the marshall an example when we had our daughter and i got criticized this is a fascinating story actually because one of my urban met me in the early years very early years before we were really very public with this my wife and i made a very difficult decision i was inventing this sugar by the way i want you to understand this didn't exist there was no mahala there was nothing except criticism and blame that's all we ever got i had letters from close friends and rebellion critiquing us how are you letting your kids do this you're talking you're letting them do that one of the earliest things i learned in this suggest is there's no such thing as letting them do if you can't effectively stop them how on earth are you letting them if you can't stop them in a way that's effective and helpful to your relationship with them you're not letting them so i understood this so we had a choice to make at one point this i just you know tell them i'm just giving you a marshal a dogma of what crisis can look i'm going to walk us through it tonight to understand it but we made a very difficult decision our daughter was 14 and she was out there on the streets with people boys girls drugs who knows what and one thing we knew if we could keep her home if we could keep her in the house chances are she's less likely to be doing that stuff but how do we keep her home so we understood that we're going to go and rent movies for her and my wife zun she did the she went and she went to blockbuster and she rented movies on a share for her to keep her busy and we got a little video player and we gave it to her in her room and she watched videos non-stop and most of the time because of that she was home one day one of my obey met madhasna and afters pulled me outside and berated me he was told that my wife was seen in blockbuster that must be the reason our daughter's struggling and he blasted me on the street i'll be honest i kept my mouth shut i didn't say a word took me about two years until i had the self-control because it was my rebbe and i had the self-control to go to him and sit him down and explain to him the tiles he'd made and he asked michaela and i said it's okay i was michael long ago it's okay it's michael long ago we were in dysfunction deliberately we put our home into dis function from the perspective of a toyota digger home we deliberately made a choice to bring movies into our home for our daughter to try and save her life it was a better choice than letting her do drugs and run around with who know who who knows who it was a partial choice to us we saw it clearly having movers and a child sitting there watching given the movements i would say in the toyota home looks pretty dysfunctional what do you think but that's not a dysfunctional home you have to stay that's not on the country it's a home that we deliberately made a choice to put into this function that's not a dysfunctional home adaraba that's a highly functional home that's a highly loving home that's a home that's caring and dedicated to the children that kadish baku gifted us with it's not dysfunctional in crisis this is the biggest struggle everyone worldwide had with this is the reason i went to so many gadoli israel over the years to discuss this suggest very very close with them to understand this and make sure we were doing the right thing we are putting homes into dis function to save their children's lives we have recognized we're looking at a suggest of sufficient fish that is the sugar children are dying children drugs are dying the moment children start doing drugs that is a sugiya of sufficient fish this is muslim from gadolia's soul and from goodalia aposkam it's a different sugya the most important thing in understanding this sugya is to walk away from regular ideas this is not to do with regular kennels it's true many people tell me that a lot of the ideas we use to help struggling kids there's no reason you can't noush those ideas and use them here and there with regular kids and with regular struggling kids it's true the difference is here you have to use them here there is no suffix there's no choice you have no other option there you know if you lose your relationship with your kids because you stood up to them stark about some behavior bedtime homework i don't know the bush and you stood up stock to them tomorrow they love you tomorrow they love your regular henna you and tomorrow they love you what's the problem in this sugiya you stand stock to kids like this in crisis and tomorrow they're doing drugs and they're in sofia because nephesh you made it worse for them it's a different sugar and it's crucial that we understand if we're going to help these kids that this is the sugar it's a pseudoesophage it's a different sugar and we have to relate to it as such and understand we can help these kids we can bring them back we can bring them back to being healthy and halaway we can bring them back to toronto's and in most cases we can bring them back to both not all but to do that we have to understand what is the sergio what are they struggling with what's what's the what's the what's the assad here what happened to them we need to understand that or we'll never know what it is we're treating i want to make a comment before i start about mental illness i'm saying this because there are a mixes a mixes of these children this is not about off the therapist not about trauma it's actually mental illness a very small number nevertheless it's kadai that we roll out who they are sensitive from mental health professionals are coming to understand that while children exhibit symptoms classic symptoms as found in dsm of various mental or emotional illnesses that is not their problem and they are not that disorder case in point one of the most obvious case in point would be borderline personality disorder almost all these kids somewhere in the course journey qualify technically for the diagnosis of bbd almost all of them hardly any of them are occasionally i've met one they all manifest like a bbd they look like it but they're actually borderline personality it's a personality disorder it's a disorder in which commonly caused by trauma but not necessarily but it's a disorder in which a person feels constantly threatened they feel as if everyone is threatening them and therefore they walk over the borders and lines people ought to keep in their relationships with other people they get offended easy and attack back quickly they are very protective they're terrified of abandonment every moment and they interpret and experience the comments statements or reactions of other people regular things that between us those who don't have these personality disorders you know you know we move on we don't we don't even notice it they notice it so deeply and they react so strongly and aggressively they can be threatening and angry and violent and reactive to you when they perceive abandonment or criticism and all these kids look like that but they're not that and it's important that we recognize there may actually be a group of children a small group of children who have the actual disorders but for the mental health professionals we all have to understand that while they manifest and look like it is that generally not it at all it's not those disorders and we shouldn't get pulled into it we can if you want treat the symptoms but don't think that's the problem and it will not resolve until we get to what the real issue is and the real issue is always going to be trauma i'm going to come and explain what that means as we go through this it's always trauma i can tell you this i'm doing the work actively with struggling teens and their families 25 years plus i probably numbers wise i think it's reasonable to say i've done more of this work probably than any other mental orthodox mental health professional anywhere i think that's a reasonable statement am i right i think a dolly no it's what i've devoted my life to and i think it's i probably hadn't just numbers wise most and i can tell you over the thousands and tens of thousands of families and children i worked with i only know of one ever that i think went off without trauma one and i say that not to shock you but just to be honest one who i couldn't work out what the trauma was just met him twice tried my hardest wasn't a client i took him out for dinner i was so fascinated his parents now his parents i spoke at a conference and i talked about being out of love and loving and trauma and this family came over and he was so mad with me afterwards they furious me they said we always loved our son and he loves us and he went off and he's a good boy he's in college just didn't work for him i didn't believe it so i got rich and i took him out to dinner twice in manhattan at my expense very very sweet boy and i couldn't work it out it just i don't think he was lying to me there wasn't one i say the one the otsuma clown to point out that the thousands tens of thousands of everybody else once you work the sukiya through you discover a trauma victim and it is all trauma work and every mental health professional today who dares to work in this story in this sugiya has to be versed in how to treat trauma at least how to know it how to recognize it how to understand if you refer to someone else that's fine too but you have to know the suggestion of trauma you have to know how to smell it read it feel it if you're going to reach these kids because it's always trauma and trauma has a way of dealing with it and we're going to understand that hope before we finish tonight i want to tell you i'm going to make a difficult statement and i say this respectfully to the robonumber mechanic when we refer parents to iraq we can't do work without orov we know one thing there is no family with a struggling kid you know we belong to communities we live in kahilas we go to shores and yeshivas and we belong somewhere and we always need always all of us to ask taylor to help us through with our lives that's why it's so amazing that we have today during the day and tonight so many rabonim here who want to learn this sugya you want to understand this sugar rav called me last night he said he's so apologized he couldn't come he said he really feels one of the leading robotic in england and he told me he'll come next time in mr he had a family simra but he told me he said how can i pascal i don't know how to pause it i am realizing i don't know the suggest when we send people to urbana as therapists or when people go and we encourage them we tell them to ask the sheila like this i pascaled already i have no suffic i'm dealing with a sugya of suffixes this is by me angernum is a fact now i'm asking the rov does the rov agree a person comes to a rav and he says that rav i have a 16 year old he's struggling should we give him the internet the internet how can given the internet he looks at it as an internet shailer because that's the way you just ask the question i have people come back all the time because they asked the question wrong it's not an internet shyler i already passed and i'm giving the internet to my kid and i'll tell you i say this i said this publicly about four weeks ago on this program that dahlia mentioned went out 65 000 people at least probably up to 70 already have watched it on contemporary issues i opened up i said how i feel honestly respectfully and in that program someone asked me about the internet and i said the following statement pornography is damaging i work with people to heal the damage of it every day of my life there's not a day goes by i'm not working with some poor person who fell into it and they got damaged by it and i don't want to go into that sugar now the damage of it i'll be straggling and i said very clearly that losing the relationship with your parents is worse and to fight a struggling kid who you're going to lose a relationship with them over the internet that's worse if they lose the relationship with you than the damage of pornography as bad as that is just thought how damaging it is to lose a relationship with your parents so we already passed in these shoulders we gave the internet that's not the sheila the shyly is now that he's got it okay can he walk around you know what should i if he shows other people how do i there's a million shailers around there a room that i've got to work through now but i have to go to the rav with a clear understanding we are dealing with a suggest because jose's capacity from gadolia let's start at that place that's the sugar it's not a hinukshaila it's not internet sheila it's it's it's a it's a korchner and we have to that's why i'm so grateful every time robonium show i want to learn and understand this suggest properly it's so profound because you can save lives once you understand this and you can ruin lives without understanding this very quickly normative development to understand trauma you have to understand normal development normal development of a person period is two minutes right it's period having babies and the chevy sorry to bring up a healthy citizen to the best of wanted to fill the world with healthy people the way i understand in magda i spoke to many good oil and many robotim about this the myth of the chemistry which by the way applies to men and women whereas period is only to men this myth of chavez's sorrow is to bring in citizens of the world who are capable of being healthy in body and mind happy capable of self-love and capable of loving others that's the the that's the person we want to bring in this world that's what we're meant to bring up and zero to two that's what we're doing that's what we're meant to be doing in normative that's what we're meant to be doing bringing up children to be healthy people healthy and body and mind happy capable of self-love capable of loving us we're meant to make it you know where they you can they can't do me wrong zero to two it's just a happy geschmark alive they pour the whole bowl of cheerios on you you laugh they draw a crayon on a freshly painted wall you laugh take pictures that's why it's meant to be zero to let's show this it's on the next stage on that comes if you do that well and do that consistently in normative the next stage is limit setting we set limits but the limit setting is experienced by the the children as an extension of the unconditional love we gave them zero to two when we just laughed everything they did that was wrong they just experiences it's natural so the mailer they experience it as something loving built on that if that goes to 1617 and by that age the children then turn to guidance because they trust us so it's unconditional love zero to two limit setting and then guidance that's normative that's more or less the framework when we do all that properly we're creating a cli that we can put our mixes on there's a clea there's a clean kibble minces it all works it works beautifully it's a happy healthy person who soaks up toyota mitzvahs and it all works very nice in that process what we're actually doing is creating something in english in psychology they call it attachment this is a very important word so i want to stay with this word for a moment it's a very crucial word in understanding how we help off the day of struggling kids angry turned off kids come back the word is attachment attachment means like this what we're meant to do with our children is create a relationship with them as parents and eventually as much in schools you know in community but parents start this we create what we call healthy attachment to our children they feel in a healthy way attached to us attachment is expressed through something called the four s's and the four s means like this safe they have to feel safe in their relationship with us we protect them we make sure they feel safe we don't whack them and they're not scared of us they're not frightened by us intimidated by us but they feel safe with us they feel safe to tell us things because we won't overreact if we tell them if they tell us about their taurus and their problems or their you know things they got up to that were wrong they're safe with us they can tell us they're not scared if they tell us we're going to freak out on them and hurt them that's safety security is where they feel secure in the home they feel secure in their parents respect and love for each other that we have a home that's predictable there's a yanterf and a shabbos there's some shock of life and it's all secure i feel secure that there'll be a summer we'll go away we'll have camp we'll whatever we do but they feel secure about the the whole i'm shaking they'll have clothes they'll have finances that have a bike they feel secure about life seen is where they have what is most crucial to all people which is the rights to be known everyone wants to be known everybody at the bottom line we don't want to be lonely we don't want to be disconnected we want to be known we want to have hawaiiram we want people to know who we are i'm not talking about an egoistic narcissistic known i'm talking about just a positive healthy you know person and my friends know who i am my wife knows who i am a child wants to be known they do not want to be just one of the kids you know they get the kids in the bath get the kids in the car get the kids to bed it's always like this thing called the kids they just get the kids they're unique they're individual each one is is is given by the besheffer uniqueness they have something special about them they want us to know what that is to see it and recognize it in fact that's the difference the truth is between a malamute and a mechanic is about installation a mechanic is about extraction like this a malam it is melamed he installs yadia in the brain of a child he takes complex ideas whether it's oceans or it's a tysos and he brings that idea into the brain of the child he explains the design it's installation of judea a mechanic is about extraction it's really about showing a person what his great potential is serving rabbi shalom what is unique about him what's special that's a hanukkah right what's a chanukah it's not a time to show off your house it's a time of dedication to the potential that's licked in them we're going to make a shabbat say on turf we're going to bring up a family it's the potential of the stup that's so mechanic is about bringing out recognizing the uniqueness of a child and showing it to him and helping him orient towards that bring him in his terror show him who he can be show him his greatness that scene that's the third of the asses that's to be seen and soothed you know when we grow up you know the world changes and under joshua niche for now you know i have it online somewhere because the kasha any normal person has is i didn't grow up that way i know when i grew up i grew up soothed was not a very high on the list you know when we got whacked in school we got a zetz the first thing my father did with sean was giving you a zed because you got one oh you got patched don't do it again right there wasn't much soothing going on there in that world after the war this world it's utterly changed it's a demonstration for tonight but the fact is the world changed children changed the media's children changed i can prove it not now there's no time but i can prove it to you it's a fact and not just our world in the goshen world first and then it filtered down in the in the in the 60s 70s 80s into our world and by the 90s it was hyderkhayam where basically the concept is hutzbayaski is there used to be a lid on society up until the 50s where there was a natural respect for elders up until the late 50s it existed maybe sixth is in england we'll give you another ten years but it existed by the end of the 60s 70s that lid started coming off and by the 80s it was gone i remember when i first gave workshops i would walk into schools to give a workshop and i'd go to the door a child would come over to me elementary school kids they come over and say can i help you i said sure i'm coming to see the oh let me take you they'd open the door they'd show me where to go beautiful now i go into a school first of all i'm completely ignored by everybody all the kids eventually i buzz enough someone lets me in i open the door and a whole bunch of kids piling under my arm knock me off my feet as they pile in and disappear and i'm still holding this door and have no clue where to go and that's normal the lid of respect of natural respect for elders is gone when that lids came off it caused all sorts of havoc in the world the world we live in now children desperately need to be sued that means they come home and they get in trouble i always tell the parents the kid comes home and complains bitterly about his rebbe he was mad with me he was angry at me put me down first thing you do is sit your kid on your lap hold him let him cry let him speak it out don't say a word nothing just hold him comfort him you know nine times out of ten i tell the parents if you do it properly by the end of it you'll say so you want to speak about he says no i'm fine he'll go off you'd have to say anything he just needed to be soothed he needed someone to tune in he probably even knows he was wrong but he comes in breading the rabbit and the best thing in the world they say nothing just hold him and sue them hold him tune into his feelings get him to express it all that soothed in the world we live in we create attachments with our children through this vehicle of safe secure scene and soothed that's how we connect with them and when they're attached to us we have gifted them with a gift for life because children who attach well with us as parents can transfer that attachment to friends to a rebbe to a teacher can transfer it to their spouse and the ultimate transfer of the love and attachment to a parent is to the average where they can transfer the experience to the loving father in him all to rabindra shalaylam attachment is the key issue for hatslacher in this world is having good attachments people with poor attachments struggle throughout their life because life is always going to be about relationships you can't live alone we all live with people so when you have poor attachments you can learn how to recover but you have to recognize you have poor attachments but louise here everything went well you got good attachments from your parents more or less like anyone else no one has perfect attachments i mean we all live you know no such thing as perfect attachment right there's perfect enough attachment can we call it that it's perfect enough and you got the three you know the four s's and you got the three developmental levels and they did the chevy sorrow and then your kids go off the dirt and you say what happened how does this work what happened to me how did that happen how am i worse to my neighbors so i punched my kid occasionally let me tell you they patch all the time i yell at my kids occasionally my sister she screams tug enough to her kids and they didn't go off people are left completely confounded and confused how is it that my children or one or two of them went off or struggled profoundly and i honestly don't believe my home is that much worse than than the people the neighbors and then the friends and the relatives i know their homes i've been in their homes i've seen what goes on in their homes this is a confusion that everyone is left with and the terrorists to this confusion is trauma trauma because when trauma strikes your kids it undermines everything when trauma strikes your kids it takes them to a whole different place and trauma strikes kids at a very very young age and it strikes them so deeply and profoundly that they feel like they want to die this is what we don't understand about trauma trauma the word trauma the concept of trauma this word is about my need to disconnect from something that frightens me so badly that i'm afraid i may die it's horrific it's terrifying the thing that frightens me so in the case of regular single event trauma we all understand that a person experiences a near-death experience or they they're in a car with someone who dies a rape victim we understand severe single event trauma we get that person is traumatized so they stay away from anything that associates with the trauma the language in dsm tells us that the person struggling who's gone through trauma post trauma they have a disorder called ptsd post traumatic stress disorder in this disorder the dsm tells us that the person who suffers with this disorder will have a severe psychological reaction an exposure to internal external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma that means they go through some they will freak out they'll go crazy completely crazy when exposed to the source of the trauma or something that looks like it or feels like it or smells like it or it's hinted at it can be the air pressure a smell something by the way for the record it's fascinating i found trauma in the tire just for the record the zarya kaddish tells us very clearly the story of trauma you can look it up if you want to look it up i don't know again i don't have time right now to explain but in passion you'll find the story with have a cooked filler cook brings out that he dived on himself because khabikook was that child by the isha namas right that was havakook and he already died right and alicia brought him back to life and he darwin's filler look have a cook zog desire what's that philly david on himself why did he dive in on himself he did it on himself because every time he had a navoor the zayakov says navoor comes from sodom and sodomachus is also miso misa comes the mountains and every time he had navoor he was reminded of death he'd already died once and he became so terrified the zoya says he was ms daze he was shaking and terrified and frightened every time he had no voice he dove into hashem to overcome the terror he experienced every time he had a navoor because he had ptsd mamish there you'll see it often admonished in desire and as i says and finishes he says gives a martial that someone should no caliph was was was bit a calibitum will be terrified at the bark of a dog that's external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect the original trauma is mamish before you desire trauma it's not surprising that it would be entire because it's so real and it's so destructive it's so there in our lives so part of our mechanics what is trauma see let me i'm just rushing through some of these here what we're dealing with you see the problem is is the trauma our kids go through is not a single event trauma it's something we call complex trauma mental health professionals will know what i'm referring to complex trauma is actually almost a myriad of little micro traumas that come they coalesce together cumulatively cause terror in the person for any number of different stimulants that could have caused it in other words any one single event wasn't enough to be life threatening but when you put them all together in complex trauma you have so many different events that can trigger the person and cause the same results and what's the result the result is disconnect remember in trauma anyone who is traumatized akadeshpark who made them react in a way where you disconnect from the source of the trauma you run away you don't run to it you run from it you go into fight and flight and if you still can't get away from it you're going to freeze disappear completely the experience of trauma is to run away is to disconnect and when we understand the source of the trauma to our children it's why it's so crucial for to understand this because so much of the trauma is tied up with this from that we can learn how we can heal them how we can bring them back how we can reconnect because all trauma treatment is ultimately about reconnection because the damage of trodden trauma is about disconnection and there's no life for someone disconnected because we're social breeder we have to live in the with people complex trauma is really what these children are struggling with and let me see if i can explain what these traumas are i'm going to very openly i mentioned this morning the balamore missions has a shailer it impasse us about the myth to hire us and the behemoth but later on we find when he talks about tom and tyra and castro's the toyota tells us behind us tomas so over here say behemoths tyrus versailles tyres it's more lotion it's more words so the torah says sells the balamore because when we have to be respectful you know with language we don't want to say language we leave in the turtle even use more words but to say los angeles but that over there is superimaicen therefore the torah does that abuse over here in kashus and in tuma it's al-akhalam isa you have to say it the way it is so i'm going to the way it is please forgive me because this is al-akhalam this is the suggest nephesh and i need to say it the way it is i did research over the years around these conferences i mentioned to you and we came up with 24 risk factors risk factors that were in the person like learning disabilities hearing problems agg you know things that existed within them family risk factors things like divorced homes foster care adopted children things existed in the family system and environmental risk factors things that happened to them outside that just happened to them which included sexual abuse i took the 24 risk factors and i went on territorial primarily and around america to programs shiva the programs i guess we can call them that worked with struggling teens boys and girls and i interviewed the kids and went through the risk factors with them and i was interested in two things number one did any of these things happen to them i i did the research from first grade or primary or first i'm not sure which that's around age five to twelfth grade age 8 17 18. so it was like 12 years of and each year had two columns one was for when to experience this and when were they treated when did they have effective treatment for whatever they went through so for example let's say the parents were divorced when they were in second grade they would check off second grade they experienced it then when did anyone sit down talk to you help you with the divorce they'd write seventh grade two things emerged from this research that were staggering later on two agencies i did this myself my own dime as they say two agencies in new york repeated this over the next five ten years and they came up with almost identical figures to me which was really amazing and very you know it helped confirm what i thought and i found so shocking the first thing we discovered was the disparity from when they experienced a problem to when they were with six and a half years imagine a child at five years old has a problem and they're not treated for six and a half years for a child under 18 that's most of their life it's mostly it's like a person at 25 who has a problem isn't treated until they're 50. that was the staggering response it was amazing but there was something much worse in the world the sugiya of of the derek children it turns out that 80 of the children going off the dara it appears that the gyrum is sexual abuse 80 percent eight out of ten and so all the work you do as parents the chevy satsara and the three levels you do it properly and you do the four s's of a hit sexual abuse and you don't even know about it and they don't get treatment for it the kids go off they go off it is so profoundly damaging you have to understand look at our world i don't want to go into the details of what sexual abuse is if you want there's a russia online of um protection child protection i gave a joshua in manchester in 2015 that was is online if you ever want to see it i i suggest everyone to see it because it's important it's about prevention and protection of children it was done for the hamish island but without going into the whole of what the details are of sexual abuse let me say this following comment sexual abuse the abuse is not necessarily the misa that happened to the child a child who gets inappropriately exposed to our magazine even a hamish a child from our world that sees such a magazine could become sexually abused by seeing that magazine the problem with sexuality with children is once they're exposed to it you can't put it back in the bottle you can't take them out of the sexual world and that's devastating to children on many many levels see ideally in our world in our world the ideal is we all train our children in a sugia called hatsune alechas both boys and girls we teach them that's the alexis how to conform and conduct yourself how to dress and cover and how to act and behave in public there's it's a whole bunch of things that go in hats of how we behave in the ideal when a child is a hassan or kala they get classes limoudin ideally and they learn the sugi of sexuality is added beautifully and seamlessly into the sugiya of hatsune lakas that's how it should be that's that's the beauty of it that's how a system works and it's gorgeous when it works it's beautiful when children get abused there's no more for them to put their newfound awareness of sexuality into it cannot be supported imagine the difference on just to bring it out of it imagine a person's child becomes a karla and they get married and three months after the khasna the girl goes very adl very sanur she goes to her mother a little bit by shy and embarrassed and she tells a mother mommy i think i'm pregnant no mother erupts at her what do you mean you're pregnant right on the country we all understand what happened and we're delighted everyone's thrilled and it belongs in hatsune alexis how she got pregnant not about business we're just happy it's the most joyous moment when your daughter comes she just got married she tells you she's expecting am i right or wrong it's the most joyous moment when that happens imagine islam three months before the khasna your daughter comes and says mommy i think i'm pregnant same thing same event same act same exact story just chronologically this is three months after this is three months before nothing else changes this is about the worst kehinum anyone can imagine this is the greatest most usher moment in life that could ever be you're so happy for the same thing three months before is gehenna mamashgano developed when a child is sexually abused they're introduced into the world of sexuality i'll tell you exactly what happens sexual abuse is about the damage to normative sexual development that's what sexual abuse is it could also be a terrifying act done to a person it could be and that itself is traumatic the event but the trauma of sexual abuse is most frequently the damage it does to normative sexual development the person is now not you know they they discovered themselves at a young age interested in sexuality with absolute zero possibility of that being something that could be supported by family and community on the contrary these kids when they're touched when at a very young age they feel special why do they feel special they feel horrible too they hate the whole nice and they find it most and disgusting and everything else but at the same time it's usually done to them by someone much older three four years older when a child has someone three four years old to them showing interest in them especially in such a personal way it actually gives the child a sense of hashibi's it's embarrassing it's disgusting it's frightening but it's also amharshev it's like if an older kid comes and reads a book to a younger kid the younger kid feels very special the older kid goes and plays lego with a younger kid they feel very special older kids taking care of me every older every time an older kid shows interest in a younger kid it makes the younger kid feel kosher in this sugiya amongst the horror and disgust and nausea that goes with it is also that i must be very special if that person's interested in touching me this way or having me touch them this way it makes me special that damage is permanent and i'll tell you why it's permanent until until we treat it and the treatment is complicated it's permanent because in their brain there's a wire connected to self-esteem there's also a wire connected to sexuality and when they're molested they're touched they're abused at a young age those two wires get twisted together a little bit of electric tape around them and they're permanently connected nothing happens until they hit puberty and then when they hit puberty electric current runs through the sexual wire and it lights up the self-esteem wire too and the kid experiences life that i'm harsh of i feel special because i feel sexual and the kids all of 13 years old what are they meant to do with that it's a nightmare i'll tell you straight it's an utter nightmare they have no clue what to do with it they can't tell anyone the shame is intense and embarrassing and they usually get involved more in sexual things because it makes them feel good it elevates their self-esteem and then they go to high school what would be high school here 13 plus whatever that age you know whatever that is but they go to whatever school they're in post 13 they start hearing exceedingly well-meaning josh's and i mean that without any cynicism i'm saying that true fact as it is extremely well-meaning russia's designed to be mekhazik both boys and girls about sneers about schweinstein about the girls get hacked to pieces about non-stop it's like morning and target is like never-ending and they don't realize the well-meaning machamp delivering these josh's and finding every opportunity to drop it in there every opportunity every day if possible get it in there somewhere and when they get it in how do they get it in normally they want to tell us about caduceus israel the helicopter and we go on and on beautifully trying to hazak the kids unaware that in a class of 30 roughly on average six of them are sexual abuse figures in a class of 30 on average statistically six are sexual abuse victims and those six kids the shame an embarrassment to them knowing i enjoy being sexual internally they know that luyatsu you rebbe would know or you mommy would know what i'm actually feeling when you tell me about sneers what i'm actually feeling when you tell me about schmidt i go if you what i'm feeling you would check me you um yeah the shakers you keep talking about and these poor kids know they were abused to begin with and have to struggle with the shame and embarrassment of that they now suffer through school and through life as teenagers until they break they completely break because they can't live with this anymore in their world i'm yenna i'm that disgusting maneuver you keep talking about i'm that prude sir you keep talking about i'm him or i'm her and they break they totally break agav many schools about so what are you meant to do when they say to me if sherman what are we meant to do i answer i don't answer to what are we meant to do but i do answer that one and the answer is like this i beg them that before you give to russia on sexual abuse come to on schmitt's name excuse me six kids on average in your class are sexual abuse victims for stay that truth accept it 20 is a conservative figure of the numbers of children in our community in the front world who will be sexually abused one in five that's a conservative figure i believe it's a minimum i'm sure not believe it's a minimum of 20 percent in our world are sexually abused and i want to be honest with you when you understand sexual abuse the way i understand it it's about damage to normative sexual development it's way above 20 percent i would say probably close to 40 percent and there's a certain famous rabbi in you shalom who i had a conversation with i he wanted to speak to me about this and he said i disagree with your figures and i thought here we go again you know hug me and i said 20 he said you said 20 richard when i heard it on tape he said i think it's more like 40 percent it's amazing very very harsh and we had a very long conversation about it because he said according to the way you describe it that it's about damage to normative sexual development it is about 41 is 100 right i could never say this but it's 20 which for sure is click kids in a class of 30. here's how you do it you're meant to say to the class so by saying i'm going to talk about a very sensitive subject which requires a shtickle maturity from all of you we're going to talk about your goof your body and it requires maturity and i trust you boys or your girls are mature enough to have this conversation but i want to see some children have been touched inappropriately long before this class today and some of you may be in this classroom and you all know what i'm talking about and by the way they do they do i assure you they do i'm asking all those children in this room who may have been touched inappropriately already the abishda has a different plan for you and what i'm going to tell now is for everybody else and it's not for you please ignore every word i say it is not for you and please come to me privately and i will help you with your journey and it's a beautiful journey but it's not this journey so please ignore everything i'm about to say and come speak to me privately and i will help you with your journey that's it that's all we have to do there's no such thing as resilience for sexual abuse but imagine what happens to the kids who are sitting in our classrooms they've been abused which is bad enough to begin with it destroyed normative sexual development because now they're interested in it and now they come into your classrooms and they have to hear that they're shaygets and a guy they're a prusa they break that on top of every single sexual abuse victim in our world is a spiritually abused person too every single one of them ends up being spiritually abused to everyone and as we explained before in trauma the reaction of trauma is to separate from the thing that's traumatizing you you will have a severe psychological reaction exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the original trauma the very facts of arabia teacher talking about it will re-traumatize a child right there in the classroom until they break totally because they and they want to kill themselves they'll do drugs they'll do anything in the world to block the p the feeling of pain and rejection the fact that i'm an officially gestempled goygamma that's what i am it's such a disaster their lives the pockets many of them find the girls especially but also some of the boys the only way they cope is acting out so they've taken become a pruder you called me a fruits i may as well be one and when they start acting like a prude so they actually feel better in a certain way because now it stims everything stims of course they're destroying their lives but it's all defense it's all adaptive it's all a way of trying to survive from the horrible trauma that's happened to them in their childhood they're just trying to survive and it turns out eight out of ten eighty percent of all these off the dark kids you're looking at are actual survivors of sexual abuse who are trying to survive they're trying to live all their behaviors the drugs the acting out all the stuff they do is just an attempt to survive and something they wanted they never asked for they never did anything wrong their parents did a beautiful henner and someone went and abused them and the net result is they now experience our system is abusive because their experience in school is that i'm a guy i'm a shay gets if you knew who i was you checked me you kicked me out so of course how do i how does a kid ever know you're if you really accept them and love them through compliance or through defiance the answer is through defiance if a kid complies with everything you want they'll never know if you really love them if you really accept them they'll just assume you like the way i'm acting you like the way i'm dressing it makes you comfortable but they'll never know if you really love me and it's only a kid that acts defiant that could ever discover whether or not we actually love them we actually feel they're a human being who's worthy of being loved it only comes through defiance it cannot come through compliance so the kids act out and defy and in that moment you've walked into crisis this is where crisis this is the hallows of crisis genre because when they defy us and we take the time to understand why they're defying us what it's about what's the underlying trauma instead of just getting mad with ella bush and mad with their behavior but we see through the laversh and through the behavior to what's really going on in sight and we embrace them and love them and accept them they have a chance to heal the moment we start tinkering with their laversh and trying to change their clothing and change their behavior put a yarmulker back on their head we lost them we lost them that's not crisis it fails because all you're telling them is yeah bad sam you're shaking but if you're dressed like a year i love you that's the message bad sam you're a pruder but if your cover you know at least over your knees then we can love you christ is for cat in crisis when a kid a boy throws off his yarmulke home and his father fights him to put it back on and begs him and pray you know and bribes him and rewards him and makes a whole tunnel about putting this yamaka back on you're destroying your kid all you're telling your kid is that i don't love you i don't value you i only value if you got a yarmulke it's so important i'll bribe you i'll spend any amount of money to get that thing on your head for my ego adorable we're meant to say to the kid shay fella in crisis remember please this is not regular we're talking about the sugiya of bringing back profoundly off the derrick it's right because i'm just saying in that sugya when he throws off his yamaka you say to him don't wear the yarmulke please don't quit why not because he knows you really want him to you say because i think when you put it on it burns a hole in your head and in your heart and i don't want you hurting please don't put it back on and when you do that you tell that child i unconditionally love you it's not about you putting a yarmulke on it's about you you tell him please don't put it back on and he says ty you've probably heard some lecture right and you say to him yes and it was a very good one and i'm glad i went please don't put the yamaka back on and he gives you a hug and he starts healing crisis is about reaching through the dysfunction to reach into the hurt and pain the rejection the disconnect to show him i love you as you are i said this morning that i quoted a beautiful piece i saw in the siva shalom about why the abused brought us out from israel it's not a little dangerous nun we're gone memphis let's go that's like you know be safe why memphis he said such a beautiful he said because he wanted to tell us that hey mister that through all generations doesn't matter how far you fall you are my son you're my child and i love you not because of what you did not because of your sim not because you're my submitter shy thomas i took you out on because i wanted to show you i love you for who you are you're at mias that's how we have to heal in crisis that's what crisis is built around you don't don't you have to weigh the yamako and don't dress sanua and don't do it all i love you for who you are and then maybe we can reach them and bring them back and we can this is the assad of christ the second most common trauma is something i named many years ago learning trauma when i met with the very big famous experts in trauma in the world the people this trauma the big experts stephen porges van der kolk these people when i talked to them and told them about learning trauma they were fascinated mum is fascinated because they don't have such a thing it doesn't exist by them we have learning try explain to them what it is in our system we have a system i digress for just two seconds we have a system that was designed to recover from the holocaust that's our system the gdylia soil baruch kocham saw that to recover from the holocaust we need to build the infrastructure the moistus and they saw it it was said to me clearly in my early days it was very painful for me when i first heard it when i took a child to one of the goddale israel who was a macholicus with the mice and i said you're going to throw him out this mystery he's going to go off the dare and the response i got from the goddard was no no it was terribly painful horribly painful i did a lot of soul-searching a lot of conversations with my rebellion till i worked out the sugya and i realized the godilam were handling survival of clarisol not the yakid they were handling the entire survival of khalisol and in such a thing they saw baruch carchum the mice it always comes first if there's a stirrer between the yacht and the mysod the mice that always comes first and what i've witnessed over the last 20 25 years is that recovery system is no longer working it's a system designed to recover from the holocaust it's not a system that's going to provide continuity it needs tweaking it needs shifting it needs moving we have a system that was originally designed to produce good islam to produce the highest level of lambda tyra which we needed after the war i understand that totally when we went to yeshiva after the war our obeying made us feel we were the future of clarissa they inspired each one of us to believe they made us feel you're the future they worked with us the godailia saw they gave us time and worked with us to inspire us you're our future leaders they told us and we believed it we weren't too many how many were we the first door after the war it wasn't that many people there's more people in lakewood alone today learning in yeshiva than we're in the whole yeshiva world in those first 20 years after the war it's a different world today so in the world we have today i suggested i don't go into the details of that now because it's not negated this i want to bring something out but i suggest is there's a 20 60 20 split there's about twenty percent of the kids are missing amazing products of our system about twenty percent boys and girls they're fabulous they're little good island they come out out of the system 18 19 years old they're so mushy they're so gervalding and midless in hanhaga entire indira in in in in the shkeda in learning it's amazing they're amazing amazing young people about 20 percent about twenty percent who started when they were four and five don't make it to 18 19 they're off they gave it up they walked away either completely in ganson or partially but they walked away they're not in the system about 20 percent and about 60 percent are walking around bruised very bruised very damaged very hurt because they know very well that we kind of we kind of failed we're kind of tolerated they're from they wear the laversh they wear the clothing they do the program they'll probably be entitled for a year or two but they know very well they're not a narciss i ask them i've done it thousands of times i ask them do you feel you're a narciss to your abandoned teachers to your parents do you feel reached a level of learning and torah where you're a real narciss to them be honest with me and 60 say no and eight and twenty percent walked away that's very bad news very bad news i wanna focus on the twenty percent the twenty percent who walk away experience what we call learning trauma learning trauma means like this a child goes to a primarily academic institution where the focus of all is academia learning torah i said as a melee but it's a painful melita that in primary which is reception here i think they call it right five years old everyone loves hashem hashem is here hashem is there they have a blast the rebbers the teachers they're amazing they dance with the kids the kids come home they have little crowns on schwoers and they bring their they they're amazing little they all bring home you know by abrahavino it's just amazing their arts and crafts and their stuff and their joy and their sim con they love doing their partial sheets they love doing their partial sheets and everyone has such knackers from them and tragically as academia moves in each year hashem steps out that's the tragedy their relationship with hashem steps out every year more academia steps in until the kids feel disconnected from a kurdish broker they don't feel that joy anymore and the reason is because they're not chemically nothing to do with them wasn't my fault i just got some kids don't process well some kids aren't so smart some kids just can't do it the sixty percent work tremendously hard painfully aware they'll never be the 20 doesn't matter how hard they work they'll never make it maybe one or two well but most of them will never make it and they know it and it's painful because they see the nachos and joy in their teachers and rabbits eyes when the 20 ask a good cashier boys stand up here's such a cushion you have to stand up the kids realize painfully the sixty percent never quite gonna make it don't know what to do but they're good kids they hang in there the twenty percent go off they're really traumatized by learning trying to learn when you know you can't when you have a real learning disability what i call a de facto learning disability you're done you're doomed you're traumatized imagine the experience of going into a school day after day after day knowing day like every day it will be affirmed that i'm a loser and imagine how those kids relate to their parents i don't care how wonderful we are when we send them back into that school day after day and when they start trying to resist us because they don't want to go to school because they hate school because school is the place where they're affirmed to be a horrible loser and we parents pull all sorts of techniques to get them to go if we would know what they're experiencing the horror pain of affirmation that you are a loser you will never make us proud you can't imagine we send them back into that what do they think about us how do they relate to us how do they feel about us it's just a nightmare it's part of the nightmare for them so they become traumatized for them it's a horrific experience it's horror it's literally horrifying to have to go in and be affirmed on a daily basis you're an idiot you're a loser we don't really want we're kind of happy when you don't show that's trauma and so of course they withdraw from that they don't want anything to do shawl approached me about five weeks ago i feel really proud i've not got to doing this i must when we get back speak to them someone arrived in amateur area opened a shawl for people who hate going to shore it's true they asked for it and at his own expense in his basement he founded a shawl for all the chevra who hate shore going and don't go he has in the shawl a coffee section during davening a smoking section and a schmoozing section because otherwise they're not coming and people come some of them can't walk into shore they're all so traumatized by davening by learning because of their experiences in school they don't want anything to do with it but they really do want and they asked me would i run a group like an aaa group for they weren't sure anonymous alcoholics anonymous sure anonymous and they're answer people they heard me speak one time they thought maybe this meshuggana can help us overcome this would i run a shawl anonymous group he'll be the first one in history and i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it and i feel for these people so deep they're all trauma victims and huri they want to get it back i know people they never go to shawl they can't walk i had one shawl i fixed the shoe the shull had rows of six pews and people weren't coming they they just wasn't full i walked into the show i told the rover right away what your problem is i say are those rows of six are they three and three together or six he said because he looked to me like they were three and three said they're three and three terrific open them up more people will come to shore because no one wants to sit on those middle seats it's terrifying to be locked in like that no it's real trauma they will not go and sit on those seats and he told me jack it's true no one ever sits there no one will ever sit more than one seat from the end so when you have three and three you're never more than one seat from there you can get out quick if you have a panic attack these are real real real things that happened to real yidden and he told me afterwards he announced that i went back to the shore and he announced arkham shimon says he saved our shawl and he announced what happened he split the rose because you can never be more most people men they will not sit more than two seats in because god forbid you've got to run out having a panic attack you've got to get out quick these are traumatized people learning trauma is real and we have to attend to it and realize that on the list these people drop out of torah mitzvahs because what they're taught is unless you can learn you're a loser and we can't fix the system yet to give a different message we don't know how to do it the leadership isn't there yet it has to be here it has to come there's just too many kids eighty percent are getting hurt it doesn't make sense sixty percent again i repeat stay with it but they're hurting inside there are people who traumatize they tell me they can't open a gemara they'll learn anything else but tomorrow they'll never open a gemara it terrifies them it literally makes them have a panic attack just they will not touch a mark and then there's the de facto learning disabilities which is the host of kids who have all sorts of problems soros basically they're photographers to you with all sorts of home problems life problems issues and it stops the cup so there's no way you can go to school and learn without a you know an open mind you need a clear mind to learn and these kids have stopped the cop they're busy they're worried about life and for tracked with problems and issues they can't learn all these kids are trauma victims and they will probably go off the derrick at some point during their teenage years irrelevant and irrespective of the kind of their parents gave them you can give them a1 but if that's the kid you know very well you're going to lose them crisis is about this process and how to bring them back i want to show you the brain i want to show you to understand trauma then understand treatment just so you understand trauma this is the picture of the brain and it highlights three basic areas of the brain the dark green is what we call the executive state that's the thinking part of the brain prefrontal lobes the blue areas the emotional state the limbic system and the red is the survival state in the survival state there's a little bit in your brain here called the amygdala one minute let me just show you this here on this the amygdala you see in the picture the middle one the amygdala is a little tiny piece in the brain whose job is to scan in a healthy person the body every four times a second scan all your senses to assess is there danger are you in danger so it's it's this is scanning all the time to see is there danger and it scans the body that's the purpose of the amygdala it's in your book you have these pictures so this amygdala when it's when it senses danger once it senses danger it turns the brain offline what it turns offline is the executive state that dark green area it turns it offline and that's a big problem and i want to show you why look with me at the prefrontal cortex this red piece is that dark green piece the executive state you got it i'm going to go back to the picture this red piece is the prefrontal cortex right now take a look at the nine functions of the prefrontal cortex empathy insight think about the kids who are struggling who are really struggling when they're offline and angry this is what they don't have empathy insight response flexibility emotional regulation body regulation morality intuition attuned communication and fear modulation all those nine casus are offline when the amygdala triggers and puts a person into a trauma state it shuts down that free because the marshall i give is with a bear if you're on a hall of my trip and you're sitting on your your your your rug there whatever it is you're what's it called the thing they sit on in the hall of my trip what's that blanket blanket that's the word blankets thank you you're sitting on your big blankets and you're having fun with your family and you're eating you know lunch and 100 feet away out the bushes walks a bear a small bear medium-sized bear well here's what you're not meant to do you're not meant to say oh my gosh look at that cute bear look everyone kids get in the picture go stand next to the bear let's get a picture look it's such a nice no you're not meant to say one minute i heard the drush on bears in the summer someone said no one said once i was like it's the black one is the dangerous or the brown one one of them is not dangerous do you not yankee you have any idea which one no what you're meant to do is your amygdala goes bing and you immediately say to the kids get in the car everyone get into the car leave everything leave it leave it up and everyone jumps in the car as quickly as you can the amygdala takes you offline so you don't have access to the prefrontal cortex and do stupid things like taking selfies with the bear or clearing and debating what type of bear it is you just get in the car that's the purpose of the amygdala to make you immediately offline this part is offline it turns it offline for safety for survival that's trauma that's what trauma does you get traumatized you go offline and you go for survivor even the limbic brain goes very much offline too and you end up in the red part the survival state where you're basically offline that's what that's the mechanics of trauma do you see that look at this a healthy brain take a look at the bottom of that that's the prefrontal cortex do you see that the healthy brain those two red dots that's the pre-front it's upside down that you see the back and the front the front is the bottom the front of the head is the bottom of the picture so the prefrontal cortex you see is lit up in the healthy brain take a look at the ptsd brain the traumatized brain it's all over the place which is actually what the kids are like all over the place in trauma that part's offline i'll show you another picture of it take a look at the healthy brain now it's the top the top part is red you see it's all lit up on the left beautiful the way it's meant to be the one on the right is an mri of an abused brain take a look how the bottom part is lit up and the top part is not so the bottom part is the survival that's the survival brain that's the bottom part the top part's offline now we said before that when you're offline in a date when you're triggered in a trauma state and you're offline you don't have access to the prefrontal cortex you don't have access to those nine those nine qualities those nine functions the prefrontal cortex when you're offline when your amygdala triggers because you get triggered into a trauma state you don't have access to that so if that's the case imagine how cruel it is to say to someone just get over your trauma just get over it how ridiculous is it to say to someone who's been trauma-like traumatized that i'm like let me see if i can reason with you about your problem i mean do you understand it's inherently unreasonable to reason with someone who is unreasonable because there are who's still here trying to reason with someone who's offline is reasoning with someone who is unreasonable so there's no debating or discussions or talking or schmoozing there's no option to explain to him just learn just learn if you do more if you work harder you'll be mathlear and you tell him the whole story of some god will be sold the bach sharma he stood before the iron kai dish and he opened it up and he down wow he's just traumatized his gun because ultimately he knows very well that the only joy we're ever going to have in him is if he's a learner and this poor kid who was exposed to sexuality and and she it makes her feel good and yet everything about it tells her she's a prouder and we want to reject her get rid of her hate her the lives of these kids is so diabolical it's so horrible it's so painful if we would enter for a moment you know all the crazy things they do they do to adapt to live to survive they do it to bury their pain kids don't do drugs because they think it's a smart thing to do kids who drug us they're hurting like crazy and one day someone offers them some drugs they do it and they stop hurting why wouldn't they do it again and who i did and everything else they do watching movies and tv and everything else and then they get lectures you're wasting your life don't you see you're wasting your life by watching those movies and doing drugs they're staying alive because they're blocking the pain i once sat with a girl i had a program you shalom my wife and i had a program for struggling teen girls america and england they sat with a girl she's 17 18 years old she was a cutter she cut her flesh what cutting is they cut their flesh she cut and burned she had many cuts and burns and i asked her one time because i didn't understand the sugar this going back many years i didn't understand it well i'm sitting about two feet away from her in my office at a little therapy office in schleim and i asked it could you explain it i don't understand it and she says you don't understand about pain she wanted me to she was a sexual abuse victim i don't usually say the words badly sexually abused because they're all badly sexually abused but the the volume of her sexual abuse was awful it wasn't just the impact on her life the actual events were themselves traumatizing horrible and she lived in a a world of pain very very terri dick a home was in those days we didn't have the understanding we have today so she was totally rejected totally rejected she was seen as a danger no one understood yet the sexual abuse it hadn't come out by the way to the mental health professionals an aside one of my pet peeves in the world is the number of kids i work with who are sent to me because i'm not a first line therapist anymore you know i'm booked up so people almost always go to other people two or three other people before they ever get to me and i often meet kids who first thing they say to me when i come in don't ask me about sexual abuse i wasn't sexually abused everyone asked me i wasn't i don't want to talk about it so of course now i know they were sexually abused okay fine but that's not the point they come in and their previous therapist three of them asked them if they were sexually abused they said no they said you're sure i was like no i'm telling no and they come in 100 convinced and telling me if i even talk about it they're leaving the office and i have a very simple intervention i've developed over the years i'd like to share with the mental health professionals and it works like magic every time i mean every time i say to the kids i respect it and it may be true and that's fine i'm with you i'm not going to ask you could i do something else instead do you mind if i describe to you for like 15 20 minutes what is sexual abuse what does it mean do you mind if i describe it to you and then you decide to which i always get whatever they never say no never ever say no whatever suit yourself and i describe what sexual abuse is and i help orient them towards what it is and the the real impact of sexual abuse is how it affects development and you can be sexually abused without an abuser and you can be sexually abused even if you think you're giving your consent to a brother or to a friend at school you're still sexually abused and i explain it to them the whole sugar what sexual abuse is and every single kid i've ever said it to when i finish they look at me and say well if that's how you describe it that's what you call it then of course i've been sexually abused it's amazing shocking they all admit and then the work can start then the healing gets done because they've acknowledged it it's amazing so i'm sitting opposite this girl and i want her to explain about her sexual abuse and why she cuts why does she do this and she's smoking while i'm talking to her and as i'm talking she says okay i'll explain to you about pain and as she's talking to me she plunges the cigarette into her hand and holds it there in her hand i'm dying inside watching this i can smell i can hear the sizzling i can smell the flesh burning and she's looking me in the eye you think this hurts you think this hurts it was unbearable it was prussian unbearable to watch this and then she pulls it away and carries on smoking and her hand is sizzling here well you think this hurts and then she can proceeded to explain to me what it feels like to be in a basically when you've been sexually abused and all you do is think about sexuality and sexual acting and behavior and all you ever hear is drushes about sneers and about protests that lives in her head the boys who are learning traumatized and they know they can't learn properly all they ever hear in their head is you're you're just a loser you're a nothing we don't need you we don't want you because the the bias into academia is so profound so internally we lost them they disconnect they run for the hills they run for cover they want to get as far away from us as they can and they go otd having said that then what's the reformer what's the reform how do we get them back the answer is fascinating and its simplicity is that we see them as people we connect with them as a telemetry we reach inside their dysfunction we reach inside their pain we reach inside their adaptive behavior the drug use and everything else and we validate it and understand it and accept them for who they are despite their clothing despite their drug use despite their behavior we reach beyond that and we see them it's like the passage says when david gives tehacha to moshira banu by the snare and he says they can't bring him out he can't they're not going to listen and they wish to says to moshe maduroya rajisi i see i really see the suffering their pain i see it atomic [Music] you see what they look like after 210 years of slavery you see memphis shy tuma you see the clothing the actions the behavior you see their hopelessness so of course you look and you say how am i gonna bring them out and the uriah i see the panemius of the premius the custard i see the life force i see the etsy melo kim i see what's epnius the truth that's why we're going to bring them out because i see that crisis is reaching inside through all the baggage on the outside which is only adaptive so they survive they behave that way they do drugs and they're sexually active and they behave the way they do and dress the way they do to survive they do it to survive because they want to die otherwise and we parents communities teachers rabbis all of us we're all we reach through that we reach inside that you know when we reach inside it best when they defy us when they defy you see when they comply they'll never know if you love them because they think you're just complaining so that's why you love me like mellow bush you can only reach inside and heal a struggling kid when they defy you when they fight you and you look away you look beyond and you look through it and you see them you see the atmus the tsalamalik imshabai you see the year you see the bani because israel you see a human being see your child you see a son you see a daughter you see a precious child inside who's been wounded and hurt and when you reach through you reattach i said the sugiya attachment was the issue because they're not attached they detach through trauma even if you gave them attachments you help them but they detach because that's what trauma does remember trauma takes you away from the source of the thing that scares you you run away fight and flight you want to get away from you don't want to stay there that's what trauma does and therefore when we reach through it we re-attach to them reconnect to them then and only then can they heal if they comply they can't heal they're just in hiding but when they're in defiance when that kid throws off the yarmulke in your house and you go over to him and say good for you i want to tell you in general just as naga we have here i just want to tell you something fascinating this is another joshua it's one of my kindred rushes but i just want to make an observation it's identical you can borrow these concepts and these concepts can be applied in regular and i want to give you an example arab is teaching mishnais and he's finnish mishnais this time and the rabbit says to the boys put away your mishnahs boys take out the commotion and all the kids except for yankee put away the mishnais and they get the hummus out and yankee sits there ignoring you old-fashioned you would yell at yankee yankee yankee wake up i said put away your nice you walk over yankee i'm warning you i'm warning you put away your missionaries and you know the story how it ends he ends up thrown out and who knows what he's defiant he's off in the new face of you say to boys boys put away missionaries and yankee sits they're ignoring you and you whisper to them then he ignores you listen carefully and you walk over to yankee and you whisper in his ear please don't take out your mesh i see you're not in the mood it's fine it's totally fine please just it's perfectly fine don't worry and you start teaching mishnais and about a minute later what does yankee do he takes out his homicide and during recess when they go out you call him over and say yankee you're unbelievable i need to give you a reward i need to give you something that was special he was so not in the mood and you overcame it you're amazing and if he doesn't take it out you compliment him more and you say yankee i'm so proud of you that you controlled yourself not to take out that hunch that was not easy for you yankee trust me there's obviously a reason we're gonna schmooze it out but boy you're amazing that was special that was let's move it out in the new face of henner we reach inside do you understand and find the person and their tattlers they're beautiful kids and the shamans in crisis there's no other option it's the only thing we can do there is no other option we reach through the dysfunction and embrace it and the more we embrace it the more we reconnect them the more we reconnect them to ourselves the more we reconnect them and understand them the way they come back that's crisis in crisis is all about reconnection reaching inside the dysfunction and the pain seeing through the behaviors which were all about survival seeing through the preciousness sharma who got so traumatized inside that they feel they want to die and tragically many of them do that's why this is a sugya of suffolk kurnaphish because many do die deliberately or otherwise reaching in is crisis it's the only mahalak and it's the works and together as clearly so we have to embrace this understand this supports parents in this not make them feel criticized when they put their homes into dysfunction to save their children but to support them understand them give them give them idiot praise them and and elevate them and and show them how proud we are of them for saving their children's lives never did anything wrong in the first place to cause it that's our job to be there for them with them through this passion hashem help us all find that true honesty that we can really reach each other and be there for each other thank you [Applause]