Your Teen Needs You To Watch This

Teenagers are universally difficult and uh some teenagers more than others. Teenagers are not yet adults. They haven't found themselves, but they're not children. You can't just move them along. You have to convince them. You have to debate with them. And they have answers. They have arguments. This I'm just talk I'm talking about regular parenting of teenagers is challenging because they they're finding their identity. They're it's actually healthy. It's necessary. Everyone has to at some point figure out who they are on their own. So they there's a little bit of separation. And very very rarely does that separation happen gracefully. Usually as they're learning to find their own identity, there's a certain awkward stage where they're, you know, they're fighting too much. They're rebelling just to figure out who they are separate from their own family of origin. And that's why the the teenage years are always no, not always, but generally, universally, commonly, the teenage years are just difficult all around. And by the way, I'm not just talking for the parents. You know, it's difficult to be a teenager. And again, I'm talking about regular adolescence. It's you're you're you're going through all these changes physically, socially. You have new opportunities, new responsibilities. Your brain is starting to work on a on a on another level where you can actually think philosophically. So, you keep yourself up at night worrying with new whole new level of worries. Being a teen is, you know, you have all the the existential dread and like you start worrying what's the point of it all. And I it's it's difficult to be a teenager. difficult to be a teenager. It's diff difficult to be around them. Difficult to be one. It's difficult to be a teenager. And then of course you have there there's there's an old uh expression that the Jews are just like everybody else only more so. So then there's the teenager squared, you know, an extra dose of teenage itis. And so the separation and the confrontation and the conflict and the establishing my identity and how I'm different from you, it gets compounded. It becomes even more exaggerated. And what I want to ask you to do is I want you to think about the teen in your life. And I want you to try to remember when he or she was a baby. when they were lying there in their crib and you were watching them and look at this precious beautiful child and I and I want you to ask yourself what happened from that time until this time that the quelling and the nas and the pride and the excitement and the love and the passion changed into uh frustration and annoyance and disappointment and heartbreak. They grew up. Okay, they grew up. Somebody says they grew up. Why is that fair that because they grew up, I have to change how I feel about them? When they were a baby, you were able to be proud of them for no reason. What did they do as babies? That's how they didn't annoy you. What did they do to actually make you proud? What does a baby do? They lie there. They spit up. They're making their diaper. There's They cry. And they cry at 3:00 in the morning. They don't care. They have no guilt. >> They're h Yeah. You You You think they're happy to see you. They're They're passing gas. They're not happy to see you. He smiled. Yeah, he's smiling. And yet you're so proud of them. Look at this perfect baby, this bundle of joy. And so I want to know how come when we're babies, we're perfect bundles of joy and then when we grow up, everyone's getting annoyed with us. And in order to not have people annoyed with us, there's all these things we have to do to earn their approval. Think about the pressure. Now, when I was a baby, I I didn't have to do anything. I didn't even have to wake up and people were happy with me. And now all these expectations that I have to do in order to earn your approval, to earn your smile. When I was a baby, I got your smile for free. I didn't have to do anything to earn it. And now the default is if I'm not earning your smile, then I'm I'm an annoyance. I'm an intrusion causing you a nephish. Don't think I don't know it. I know you're losing sleep over me. What happened? So I want to tell you something. I have a theory about this. It's just my theory. I noticed that there are two times in life when everybody is good when everyone will say that you are good. There are two times in life every you're good. So the first one I already said is there aforementioned when you're a baby. All babies are beautiful. All babies are wonderful at least to their parents to their parents. And the other time when you die, dead people are alladesh. You see this all the time. Oh, you so good. So basically, what does that mean? The only two times in life you get a free pass is when you just got to this world or you just left it. Everything in between, you got to earn your keep. and we're watching you and we'll decide whether or not uh we like to have you around. But if you're a baby, if you're just born, you just came to this world, nobody's judging you. They're not deciding whether or not you get to be here. You got a free pass. You get to be here. And if you just died, then you're good. Also, so here's something that occurred to me. because I thought about that a lot. And and here's here's what I think. I think that the way we view babies and dead people is actually correct. It's actually correct. And it's the whole span of time in between that we get it wrong. And I think the reason that we get it correct is because if you think about who am I? Who am I? What am I really? I'm an ashama piece of godliness. How could you not love a nishama? How could you not enjoy being in the presence of a nishama? Thinking of a nishama, picturing a nishama. So what happens is when we first came to the world and we just got our body I I think I think we're all sort of aware of the fact an ashama has just come to visit us and so I think part of the that babies have is that we sense this is an issa and then it also explains why when people die we also think favorably of them because Now they left their body behind. Now all they are is a nishama. And I think we intuitively get it right at those two times at the very beginning and the and and and at the end. But what happens is in the in between we start looking at each other as not our namas, not our true selves. We start using other criteria to identify each other. So now instead of saying you are this godly holy being that has graced us here in this world with your presence. Now we're starting to look what kind of grades are you getting in school? What kind of personality do you have? Are you cute? Are you funny? Are you amusing? Do are you able to put on your coat and get into the car quickly or do you make me late? See, when you're in a shama, we're not thinking about these things. Everyone is good. But you spend a little while here in Alamaza in this physical world and people start thinking that you are a whole bunch of stuff that's just superficial, that's really not the real you. And then your nakas in me becomes very conditional on me doing those things well. So I've got to get good grades and I've got to be obedient and I have to be able to get dressed quickly and get into the car without making mommy late. And if I have any struggles here in this world, I'm causing people pain and and annoyance and and and I can feel it. I can feel it. I I can tell you're losing patience with me. So when we talk about parenting extra challenging children, I think what we have to begin with before we speak about that as a para unto itself, I think we need to visit the foundations of parenting. Do you see your child as a nishama? Are are we human beings having a spiritual experience or are we spiritual beings having a human experience? You know, I was me long before I came to this world. The real me is eternal, infinite, everlasting, holy, incorruptible, incorruptible. If I believe in yam kipper, I believe that. I believe the real me, what we call the nephesh, the core identity. We believe that's incorruptible. My nephish could get a little bit dirty. my my ruach my nishama even my kaya we believe that there's that core identity in all of us which is pristine and pure and holy and remains so at all times I mean that's what we believe can we start to see that in our children can we start to see them as beautiful and perfect because they are nishamas and their nishas are beautiful and perfect.