You Are Who Your Friends Are | BeEzrat HaShem Film

Now the gi continues and says also even if one does study mus they will lose its transformative power on the account of going out among people and some people have a nusak that says going out among people unprepared for this causes one to lose all the ground achieved through Mousar study. We got the Torah in order to live by it, not to die by it. But yet, a person needs to know just studying Mus in itself, we already know that it's not enough. Studying Mus with the intention of applying it without an action plan also is not enough. But even if somebody I studied Musa is applying it could still lose all of it by a single [music] event when they go out of their house. Why? They went out of their house unprepared. They study Mal but they can still lose their transformative powers by going out among people. Another example the gi brings is that this is because he cannot seal himself off and be protected and so is the one who merely reads ms like one who plants without offense. Swine will devour and trample on everything. So this is a person that reads Mal with the intention of applying it to their life but without taking an action plan or a person that is taking an action plan but is still exposing themselves to [music] the wrong environment. He's learning but he says I can't keep myself secluded. I have to go out. But his version of going out is going out to be everywhere with everyone, to keep the same friends, [music] keep the same job, keep the same surroundings. And he doesn't realize that if you want to change, your environment has to change, too. Because if it doesn't, those pigs, those swine will end up devouring and trampling everything that you've built. We see from the Rambam where the Rambam says in in chapter six first it's natural for a man's character and actions to be influenced by his friends and associates and for him to follow the local norms of behavior and therefore he should associate with sadikim and be constantly in the company of the wise [music] so as to learn from their deeds. Conversely, he should keep away from the from the wicked who walk in darkness so as not to learn from their deeds. This is implied by King Solomon in his statement in Proverbs 13:20. He who walks with the wise will become wise while one who associates with fools will suffer. A person who lives in a place where the norm of a behavior are evil. The inhabitants do not follow the straight path should move to a place where the people are righteous and follow the ways of Torah. Meaning you cannot expect your environment to change for you. You have to go to an environment that's already developed. And if that means moving because your community is full of people that are anti-ra or idol worshippers, you have to move. This is one of the most difficult parts for people to do as part of their conversion or chuva where they realize at some point or another that staying in their current community is simply [music] a poison pill that they're taking whether they like it or not because [music] they could learn as much as they want but as soon as they go outside they see that the whole world around them is doing the exact opposite and many times the that whole world will eventually have [music] influence on them and cause them a lot of anguish. Now if all the places which he's familiar with or of which he hears reports about follow the improper path as in our time the Rambam [music] says so if he says that all the places in his time 850 years ago are all full of evil needless to say what he would think of society today or if he is unable to move to a place where the patterns of behavior are proper because of the presence of bands of raiding troops or health reasons he should remain alone in seclusion as the prophet Prophet says in a this is the prophet Jeremiah 3:28 [music] let him sit alone and be silent. Now of course everybody says oh yeah everywhere is evil. So that's just contradicts everything you just said that uh you know that I don't have to move. Yes, everywhere there's evil but there's always pockets of good. There's pockets of good in Lakewood. There's pockets of good in my there's pockets of good in different places in Israel. A lot of Jewish community there's pockets [music] of good. So yes, the majority is evil. But there's still a kosher center, a bet midash, kosher shul, they do exist today. But of course, there is evil. So a person can't say, oh, you know, [snorts] since he says evil back then, it's everywhere is evil today. Yes, everything is evil today, but not everything. Meaning the majority is bad, but there's still pockets of good, and that's where we need to all move to and live and be there. Now if they are wicked and sinful and do not allow him to reside there unless he mingles with them and follows their evil behavior he should go out to caves and thicket in the desert rather than follow the path of the sinners [music] as the prophet Jeremiah said in chapter 9 verse1 who will give me a lodging place for wayfarers in a desert. Rambam gives us a extraordinary example of how important it is to live among righteous people. So much so that he says that first and foremost you should not even imagine and delude yourself to think that you're not going to be affected by your surroundings. Everyone is affected by their surroundings. It's human nature. It may not affect you today, may not even affect you tomorrow, but over time it will affect you. Whether it's the food luxuries or lack of luxuries or the different types of wicked things that people do in the streets and so on and so forth. This affects everybody which means that a person has to understand that they have to run away from wicked people. Cleave on to the wise people and their disciples. Meaning connect yourself to do whatever you can to constantly be around. Be part of their life. Be part of whatever you can whatever you can get. Cleave yourself to tell me says not a uh suggestion. So first and foremost a person needs to know that they are vulnerable. They're vulnerable to everything that's around them. You are who your friends are. Just like people say you are what [music] you eat. You are who your friends are. If you're going to be friends with wicked people, you're going to become wicked. People that do chuva, people that convert have to understand that part of your chuva, part of your conversion is abandoning all of the evil from your past, which sometimes, most of the time, if not all the time, requires you to sever relationships with people that are causing you to sin, reminding you of sin, enticing you to sin, or simply telling you that you're crazy for trying to be righteous. These types of relationships many times are relationships that have to be severed. Sometimes you can maintain the relationship if those people are respectful and they don't try to be missionaries on you and try to entice you to go back to your old evil ways and you can maintain it. And if you have more dominance on a relationship and you can influence those people to do cha also that's a fantastic thing to do and you should do it. But if you are surrounded by people that are constantly enticing you to sin, are constantly part of sins, are constantly trying to influence everything and anyone they can to sin and they're discouraging you from trying to be righteous, discouraging you from serving Hashem, these are relationships you have to cut off. You have to cut off. Many times people do chuva and they're surprised that some of their secular family give them ultimatums. Listen, if you continue dressing that way, acting that way, I don't want to see you anymore. And then they asked me, "What what should I do?" I said, "You should listen to them. Don't ever see them anymore. Well, what do you mean? But that's my uh dad. That's my uh brother. Okay, your dad's your brother. Write them a letter once a year if you want. But it's good. The fact they give you an ultimatum is fantastic. They're doing the job for you. They're telling you either you go back to being evil or a uh abandon the relationship. You should listen to them. Say, "You're right. I'm abandoning the relationship. Thank you very much for doing the job for me." Why? Because of reality. Sometimes you have to separate. Separate from those types of people. Sometimes you'll have a relationship where person that you're friends with, family member, whatever for 20, 30, 40, 50 years, whatever it is, they may not be able to influence you, but every time they come to your house or to wherever you are, your kids see them. and your kids, they're not as strong as you. And they see, oh, how come uh Ima walks around like covered head to toe sadika, [music] but her best friend is walking around with a little less clothes than my keepa? What gives? Should I give her my keepa? Maybe I'll double her outfit. If you have a friends like that coming to your house, if you're showing people like that to your kids, you should know you are a murderer. You are murdering your kids. You're taking that kid's nama and you're murdering it. You should know that. So, don't tell your kid, "Oh, I love you, Poochie, Puchi, Puchi." No, no. Tell your kid, "Listen, I'm sorry I'm murdering you, but I have such a desire to be uh with my old friends that don't know how to wear clothes that I have to bring them in front of you." You're murdering your kid. Why? Because that kid or those kids that see those people with no clothes on, you are murdering their na because they're going to be confused. Why is Ima covering everything but her friend not covering everything? So maybe we don't know why, but at very least every little kid can figure out. So it's okay then to do it. Why? If Ima every time she sees this woman that's wearing a keepa as an entire outfit. If Ima hugs her every time and says I miss you and I love you and you should come over more often then that means that even if we did it'll be okay too. And guess what? You may just get that. [music] And you can't blame your kid for that. You have to blame yourself. You murdered that kid. You can't even blame your friend. If you want to stay friends with certain people that are secular, they have to have an understanding. If they're coming to your place, they have to act and dress a certain way. They're not willing to stay out. Why? I have kids that I'm trying to raise and my of day and night toil, burden, a lot of a lot of mess and sacrifice can be ruined by a single cup of coffee. [music] Sometimes guys bring some of their work buddies to the house. Some of those work buddies are not exactly religious. [music] So you have everybody having their oh listen the were nice keeper just big like mine and the son also has a big keeper like the Abba and the other son also has a big keeper like the Abba and the imma is you know also has and the little girls they also are covered everything right and then Aba decides to bring some of his buddies his brothers his cousins his whoever his work buddies to the house yeah come on guys we're going to have dinner yeah my house yeah come we're I don't know we're doing a uh party for uh for something. Okay. Shabbat. Oh, yeah. Come Shabbat. Okay. So, his friends drive to his house on Shabbat. They drive out of his house on Shabbat. They do it a few times. Everybody knows. Nobody cares. The guy says, "Listen, once you finish the kouch, you could serve, but I'm going to go off for a few minutes." Why you okay? Are you leaving? No, no, no. I'm just going to go smoke a cigarette. Your kid just heard that your friend is going to go smoke a cigarette on Shabbat. You just murdered your kid. You just took your kid. Murdered him. Why? Because you're not going to rebuke your friend in front of everybody or at all, which is what it's going to tell that your kid. It's going to tell your kid, "Listen, even if I smoke on Shabbat, Aba is still going to love me and invite me to Shabbat. He's still going to invite me." And guess what? When one of those friends starts talking to one of the other friends. So, did you get our number? Nah, no, I got They start talking about the nightclubs and the sports and the ze and the garbage and the gnome that they're in. And guess [clears throat] what? Your little boy Sadik goes to yeshiva every day, listens to this filth coming out of people's mouth. They're talking about taking advantage of innocent women that is too stupid to realize that they're being taken advantage of. Or people that are addicted to all types of gambling and sports and the filth of the world and your kid is listening to this on Shabbat. Guess what? You just murdered your kid. You should take all the food off the table, PUT YOUR KID ON IT, AND IS BETTER THAN WHAT YOU'RE doing than inviting those people to the house. You want to do kiru? Go do kiru but not in front of your kids. Go do kiru not in front of your kids. You want to go help your friends become religious? Not in front of your kids. Don't have that garbage company house in front of your kids. Why? Because your kids do not have the skin you do. [snorts] They see people smoking on Shabbat, driving on Shabbat, acting all types of filthy ways. You bring homosexuals to your house. All that garbage that people bring to their houses, they don't realize even if it doesn't affect you, it affects the people around you. It affects the people around you. And that's why one of the best things that a person can do as soon as they do chuva, as soon as they convert is move far away, far away from everybody. Even if they live in a place where there's a lot of Jews, move far away. Why? To grow. Sometimes you have to take a few steps away from where you started. sometimes a few more than a few steps because sometimes you're going to be in a place and you were driving on Shabbat every day for the first 20, 25, 30 years of your life and all of a sudden you show up to MCN on Shabbat without a car and you're praying and it's week after week, week after week, week after week and you're there for three, four months serious and one day the rabbi uh has one of his students ask you to do something that you wouldn't ask anybody else to do or some of the people in the ka that know you from back in the day when you were driving on Shabbat. They ask you to do something they wouldn't do themselves. Why? Cuz people like that exist in the world. Doesn't happen often, but it happens. And why? Because they don't want to let you grow. They still think of you as the old Jew. Even though it's a sin from Torah to do such a thing, to remind of his old sins is a sin from the Torah. Ramb's like that. But the point being is that sometimes people from your past are going to remind you of your past. Hey Ron, what's up buddy? What? What are you talking about? Who? Why? Where? What's going on? They still want to call you what you called yourself on Wall Street 15, 20 years ago. Why? Because they don't they didn't change and they don't want you to change. So, they want to continue talking to you in the same way like it was 15 years ago. And this is not a new thing. There was one time a major announcement made. What was the announcement? One of the Glead, the giants of all generations, one of them is showing up to our town. Oh, wow. Big rabbi coming to the city. Wow. Amazing. EVERYBODY'S ASKING, PREPARING. WOW. MAYBE IT'LL BE AT MY HOUSE, MAYBE AT MY HOUSE. EVERYBODY'S THINKING WHO, WHAT, WHEN, HOW. Amazing things. So, people ask people this, who's this, who's that? Event gets closer and people are more excited. People are looking forward to seeing who [music] this big rabbi is. And the day comes and the day comes and the rabbi shows up and everybody's amazed. Sadik long pot looks light on his face. Kesh kesim something unbelievable. Even asim have light on their face. Everybody's wants to listen to of this rabbi. Everybody wants to give honor to the rabbi. They hear some words. Wow. Amazing. Never heard things like this before. Everything is amazing. Everything is holy. Everything is extraordinary. The rabbi gives to the community and after the [music] lecture people come up to the table to come and ask for a blessing from the rabbi [music] shake his hand and one guy comes up TO THE RABBI. HEY NMAN on his back. But as soon as he hit the rabbi, friendly, but like a body, the guy collapsed. As if his hand touched the rabbi, but instead of hitting flesh and blood, it's like he hit an electric fence with 5,000 volts and immediately collapsed. We have two questions. One, why is he doing that? calling the rabbi Nakman, hitting him like he's one OF HIS BUDDIES, CALLING ONE OF THE BIG sadikim that came to our TOWN NAKMAN BUSHA. BUT THE SAME TIME, this guy, is is he alive? That's the second question. Is he alive? What happened? After they throw some water on his face, the guy gets backed into shape and he sees Nakman, but he can't call him Nakman anymore cuz something just happened when he did. And [music] massive looks at him and says, "Yes, I my name is Nakman." And the guy mumbles. He goes, "Yeah, you remember we we we used to go to St. Ka when we were little kids." Says that, "Yeah, and I grew up." meaning yeah you may want me to still be the little kid in the in the public school you may still want me TO BE THERE BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL there but I'm not but he had such a merit such a kadusha that a kadosh but who would not let it happen and he had to make sure that he and everybody else there knew that he's no longer he's when we breast live and he'll always be [music] known as that sometimes You have people like that in the community that simply will not allow you to grow. The Rambam says you have to leave. You have to move away. Go find [music] yourself a new community. Why? Because you go up to a new community, [music] whatever version of you shows up, that's the version of you that they'll know. They're not going to [music] know the old Wall Street version of you or the old uh basketball version of you [music] or the old whatever version of you. And many times it's the best thing that a person can do as part of their [music] journey. It's not easy. It's not cheap. It's not anything but it's good and it's necessary. But either way, a person [music] needs to know that even if they don't have the problem that I just mentioned, there are endless amount of problems that [music] are part of our society, part of our world. And if a person deludes themselves to [music] think that they can associate with whoever, whenever, the past, the present, and the future, and it's not going to affect anything, they're mistaken. Because [music] if the Ramba cared enough to make it a that you have to move, cared enough to put Musar in a book of to show you that this Musar is actually a obligation and not a suggestion. A person does [music] not realize this is deluding themselves to think that they are untouchable. The alz written in the name of bin hokus in chapter 25 bin hokus [music] goes over this very same point about a person that thinks that his society is not going to affect him and thereby will stay among wicked people among secular people among idol worshipping people and think no it's no big deal yeah but your office is full of girls and you're the only guy you don't think it's going TO AFFECT YOU NAH NAH, I'M MARRIED. FOUR KIDS. OKAY, BUDDY. Good luck with that one. Your office is full of guys. They're all single. You're a married religious woman. You don't think it's going TO AFFECT YOU? NAH. NOBODY EVEN TALKS TO ME. OKAY, good luck with that one. Your office is full of people that are anti- Torah, lefty liberals. You're the only religious guy, only religious girl in the office. You don't think it's going to affect you? No. Everybody got I'm in my cubicle. I'm in my office. Nobody affects me. Okay, buddy. Good luck with that. You're deluding yourself. says Rabilia bin Hokos the rabbi of Rabiaaka. You are deluding yourself to think that it's not going to affect you the same way that somebody walks into a perfume store and goes by every table and goes by every perfume and then leaves the store and is surprised when his wife COMES A FRIEND AND SAYS WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF? He goes, "What are you talking about? I didn't put anything on. I didn't put anything on. WHERE WERE YOU? I WAS NOWHERE. I DIDN'T DO NOTHING. WHAT? NOTHING. YOU SMELL like you just came out of partly out of some type of uh I don't know, some flower, some tree, some garbage pail. You smell like everything. How'd you know? What do you mean? How do I know? You can smell you from five miles away. There's a cloud following you. Says hos. If you go into a perfume store and expect not to be affected, you're deluding yourself. If you go into a place full of liberals, if you go into a place full of anti-torrah, if you go into a place full [music] of idolatry, if you go into a place full of people that are living a life that's the opposite of what you're trying to do and you think it's not going to affect you, you're deluding yourself. Hence the reason why the Rambam says that if everywhere you are, everywhere is full of wicked people, go to the desert. Yes, you don't necessarily have to go to the desert, per se. But make your life a desert. Meaning, you have a place to work, that's a kosher place. You have a place to learn, it's a kosher place. You have a place to live, it's a kosher place, and you don't let anyone or anything interfere with it. You see that they put some missionary next to you in your office, you ask the boss, listen, what other place could I work in if you want me to stay at this company? What do you mean? What's wrong with your desk? Nothing's wrong with my desk. I just don't want to sit next to a missionary. No, but he doesn't even talk to you. Doesn't make a difference. I don't want to sit next to him. In fact, I don't I don't want to work here, but I know I don't run the company. So, what how far can you move me? [music] No, no, we can't move you. Okay, here's my pink slip. I quit. Bye. What do you mean? You make $100,000 a year, you just going to quit? Yeah, I'm just going to quit. Yeah, I'm not going to work next to a missionary. I'm sorry. Why? Because my eternity is more valuable than your job. A person has to know that there's going to be some tough choices you have to make. There's going to be some tough choices. Sometimes you have an office that before you did chuva, for all intents and purposes, everything was good. Once you did chuva, you realize that nine out of 10 employees are girls that don't know how to put a clothes on. They're the same like that girl that wears a keepa as an entire outfit. Now that he did chuva, he comes to the office like, "Oh, can't look there. Can't look there. Can't look there. Can't look there." He starts walking like the blind. He show my desk. Buddy, get a new job. Why? You're not going to survive. Okay, so today your hook for the job. Today you didn't look. Tomorrow you didn't look. Three days you're not going to look. And guess what? The more you don't look, the more they become attracted to you. Why? Because the sitra sits on their head. The sitra sits on their head. Every time you don't look, you produce kadusha. Every time you produce kadusha, the becomes hungrier for you. You have to change a job. Yeah, but it's a tough job to change. It's a lot of money. Okay. So, good luck with that. The point being is you need to know your surroundings will affect you. Do not delude yourself to think that you're untouchable. Doesn't matter how much you learn. And that's what the GI VNA and the Rambam are trying to teach us here that you have to know that there is an extraordinary amount of risk being involved with people, being next to people. Now, you can't be secluded from the world. You have to function, but you have to limit it as much as possible. You have to go to the supermarket to buy stuff. They don't deliver. No problem. Go get your stuff, leave. Don't start socializing with your uh best friend in the middle of the supermarket. Don't say hello to your uh cousin's wife. Don't do any of that stuff. Go get your stuff, leave. You want to be a kosher person, home, work, bet midash. Home, work, bet midash. That's it. [music] Being in the streets, you're putting yourself at risk. When you think that your nama [music] is all you have and therefore you have to protect it, this is [music] normal. When you think your nishama is easily fixable, untouchable, even something that you can do without, then you think it's abnormal, you think it's fanatic, you think it's crazy, you think that it's impossible, even the truth be told is that if it was a $100 million diamond and someone told you to do everything I just said, but just for the diamond, you wouldn't think there would be a problem at all. Why? [music] Because you see the value, the tangible value in that diamond. If only you had that same appreciation for your nishama, you would realize [music] that you'd have to appreciate it even more and value it even more than you do that $und00 million diamond. And if there's anyone out there that's interfering with your servitude of Hashem, and the Rambam already gave [music] us an answer. Run to the desert. Simply put, make it as if you live in a desert. We're in a desert. No one's next to you. all of those people interfering. Go to a place that's as far as [music] possible away from them and attach yourself to righteous people. [music]