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Yoni Chanowitz: Oholei Torah kids
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Comedian Yoni Chanowitz with a hilarious set describing how he didn't want his children to attend one of Chabad's most famous yeshivas and grow into Oholei Torah kids.
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Then if I have kids, I'm like
Ok, we're gonna keep this going,
as long as my kids don't end up being Oholei Torahniks
I'll be able to do it
and then I applied to Lubavitch Yeshiva
and they give me a denial letter
I'm like, ok, what are you gonna do?
and then the next year they give me an early denial letter
who gives an early denial letter?
like if you go into the bank and say, I'd like to open an -
sorry sir, you can't make an account in our bank
why?
because
we saw you coming
and you have an early denial letter
you're not getting an account in this bank
what? But I didn't even say or do -
No. We know everything about you
You get an early denial letter,
so you put your kids in Oholei Torah
and I figured, it'll be good.
So my oldest two, thank G-d
they're docile kids, they figured it out
they go to bed like yekkes
and they're very...
But my youngest two figured out how to be manipulative
and just like... they jump on me and stuff
it's a good alarm clock
but it's not good when you want to put them to bed
or you want them to eat food
it's like, it's time to eat your beans.
No.
But if not, you're gonna go to bed hungry.
I'm going to bed hungry!
Tatty ken mir kishen tuchis!
and he's like a three year old
and you're like, what do you...
you don't wanna laugh
man, you got me!
I let my kids watch videos and stuff
some Disney and some Sesame Street
I grew up on the street, I figured that you knew
my kids get some of that too
they watch Disney things nowadays
I have them watching it
but while some kids are watching, my youngest one
we're trying to get him toilet trained
and he khopped, I don't know how this kid khopped
he khopped that trying to get him toilet trained means
that he has more responsibility
and by having more responsibility
by being toilet trained
he can't be the youngest kid anymore
and he can't pull schtick, so
I'm not getting toilet trained.
And there's all these...
He found some way to go and hide the diaper
like go into the closet to poop
and I'm like, OH MY G-D WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MEIR?
and he's like in there
poop all over the place, we're going crazy
and I tried to bribe him
something, trying to find to help
and I'm just getting mad over it.
I want to yell and scream at him.
My G-d, this kid, I can't believe you're doing that!
and then I see he's walking around
no pants, no diaper
and he's going "der rebbe is gezunt, der rebbe is gezunt"
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