Yitzchok Saftlas – Winning Relationships

[music] Welcome to inside art scroll where the books that we read and the people that write them come to life. It is a pleasure and an honor to welcome for the very first time as an author Rabbi Yitzkaf Saflas Schlita Mister >> Mr. Yitzkaf >> Mr. Safless >> and Mazletov on your first book. >> Thank you. Super exciting. >> The book Winning Relationships. >> Yes. >> And and I I feel like if there's one guy in Claudius that could write the book, it's probably you. >> That's very I'm touched. Thank you. That's >> um So tell us what does it feel like to like have your first book hold your first book in your hand for the first time. >> First of all on your book. >> Thank you. >> Yes. Was that your first Oscar? >> This is my second one. >> Okay. >> But it felt good to me. >> One second. I'm not one second. Let me take that back. You're interviewing me here, so >> Okay. Um first of all it's a tremendous and treat to actually be back at art scroll. I was to work for mayor Zatal and of course under NASA and Rashia from ' 89 to 92 and that's where I learned the ropes and I learned so much from Rav Mayor and the other ones which actually made it into the book. There's a lot of personal anecdotes and lessons that that made it into the book. Um, but being back at Art Scroll was like is a reunion. Rev Gadalia, I said that Revalia, I'm so happy to be back at art school. He says he's like he never left. >> Very special. Very special. >> But uh, thank you. And the um, you know, it's very very special. In fact, how the book came about was that over the years, so you know, for many years, I actually had a show on 77 WBC and would be interviewing Fortune 500 executives and they would say, you know, some very, you know, very smart, wise things. So, of course, we know the gamill great. But then I'm like each week I'm like, wow, this idea this it's right here. It's right here in the Tyra. Now, as an aside, I was very close to River Vikda Miller. I went on to go on walks. I went on oneonone walks up King's Highway. >> This is before the popular Terasd before ter is a unbelievable nace because these people they weren't necessarily close to Miller and just it shows who orchestrated it. So I I went I was to go on walks and when the iPod came out when yes son of Miller and they they put out the iPod after the pet of Miller and that had all like 200 uh all the Thursday nights and the R series and Shah Chuva and etc. So I was to get the iPod right away and on average I listen to the iPod around three hours a week. That's a it's it's it's unbelievable. People ask you get the Miller iPod you're fine. So Shia 376 is called Council of Tyra and he brings a safety and R Miller spends I mean the whole she is on this topic but the first five 10 minutes is just specifically says advice on marriage it's right in the advice how to get along with people right in the advice in business every aspect it's right there and he says it's so simple you just have to know to look for it that's where says anyone who's questioning it 376 Shia council of Tyra and of course I came across that sh and like then it like hit me like a ton of bricks I'm like I'm interviewing these fortune 500 executives revilla says it's right there open your eyes yes open your eyes I started doing that and that's how the book came to be beautiful >> so it was a seven-year journey by the way that's another lesson so by the way feel free to interrupt me I'm just I'm so excited to be here I'm fascinated >> okay I'm I everything you're saying so it's all good. One of the lessons that I learned from Ra mayor Zatal and I was I was close to Ramir merely until his like Kamar's last day I I was trying to go to visit him in Manhattan on the the Arab Shabas right before Petira one of the lessons is that when I think about it I'm like seven years seven years seven years you know if there's one thing I learn from a mayor is is also is that you know The famous line from Rameora, right? What did Rava say to Raashi? We got to go to print. That's Raa's line. And and and seven years, the answer is Rav Mayor was was had, if I could put it, let's say, I'll use the the letter P. There was proactiveness, there was passion, and yet at the same time, there was patience. And of course at the end you got to go to print. >> I thought you were going to say prophet. [laughter] >> So Rome by the way on on the on theite on the the note of profit. Rav mayor of course understood the world of business understood but at the same time not I remember specifically being in the room there was certain books that were not profitable. Now, Hashem, please help this book does become profitable. But there were some books that were not profitable, but Rav Mayor did it because Shamay he understood it was for Cla Israel. There was no question there was so but anyways, you know, coming back to to Remem was also a perfectionist. He was tremendous to to describe his level of perfection. He ingrained it in me. You know many personal stories where he mummished he drilled in it has to be perfect. He really demanded perfection. Of course Rashia Rashia is you know is is a master craftsman and designer but Rav Mayor demanded that of the team and because not that he demanded it because he he he he was it he was forceful in how it had to be. It was like we're putting out a product of clients. someone's going into his farm store. They they're paying for this product. They deserve a perfect product. Beautiful. So, the the project was a seven-year project as we would we would come up with a with a vart and it was Zo to work along with two superstar writers. Ra Kamki was a a guttle in his own right. And I would we would we would talk out a vart would come. I'm doing maedra and then there would be a vert and then I would spar to him and sometimes he would I hear where you're going with this but not and sometimes he would say you know what it you could bring it out better from and the brothers than you were trying to get this you had this idea by or by no and he would go or or it's better by android and so okay so that was a discussion and sometimes you would actually write a chapter although the main writer was ramen rose from Mishbah magazine, one of the elite writers in Clay Israel and he the the the enjoyment of working with Rabinam Rose is that he's an individual who's extremely talented but also understands he understood the whole concept. So he would not only work on the vert but sometimes the pointers would actually be from him. He would suggest some of the pointers. Each chapter has a minimum of three takeaway pointers that so it's it's not and if I may the book is not intended to be like great kadoo terra that's not the model of the book the model of the book is like riv miller said there's a pik and there's there's there's there's there's a lesson there's a takeaway so there's a pk and the brief vert and then we go right into the practical there's a there's the lesson and takeaways and pointers and always a story to go for it to go along with it. >> And the story we tried out of the 35 microchapters, this is the they're micro chapters. Each each chapter is roughly a four to five minute read. 35 microchapters. Um we tried and I would say probably 70% of them are a personal story that that ties in to bring out the art. However, there were times when again at the end of the day, I wanted to bring in personal stories, but but we wanted to make sure that the story drives home the point. So, sometimes if if uh if Ra Morai or looked at it and said, you know what, I have a different story that drives home the point better, I would look at it and say, you're right. You're right. I'm going to have to let go of my own personal story there. We want to drive home this. >> So, let's jump into the book for a second. Yeah. >> I walk into a SARM store. Sitting there front and center is winning relationships. And I'm like, "Okay, I need to win relationships. What could I expect? Give me a 90 second preview of what I could walk out with after each five minute a day reads that I'm going to do for the next month." >> Okay. So, first of all, people go in. Um, first of all, I' I'd love to get anyone's feedback. And when you read a chapter, I have my email address in there. Send me an email. I'd love to get your feedback. And and Okay. Now the the the the takeaway is that we all we all interpersonal is is daytoday is interaction. Now there are so many interactions whether it's in professional life whether it's in personal life that that people are looking for ideas. So, this is not necessarily a self-help book. I want to make that clear. This is not one of those publications, which there are many excellent publications that someone could pick up like I got a situation I got to figure out how to get out of. So, like, let me pick up a book that I'll now know how to deal with it. No, this is rather winning relationships. This is going from good to great. So, this is not a situation that like, uhoh, I have challenges. let me see how to deal with it. Although there is that content in the book, but in general it's going it's winning relationships. It's you want to get to the next level. Let's say it's especially by the way suitable for anyone basically between like 20 and 40. 20 and 40 that like you want to you're getting out there into the business world. You want to know how to navigate. There's so many techniques in in in here that just realworld aces but then done in a very succinct way very that's why each bullet is basically two to three sentences that's it because the the intention is you could pick it up and the feeling is hashem that any chapter you open up and you look at you'll be able to walk away with something that you know what I can implement this in my daily life right away. So it's not something with big suarees. It's very downto-earth common sense. When I met with RV Gadalia about the book a few years ago and I was thinking about maybe it should be more on the business line. He said yesak he says your line you create a from Dale Carnegie book. That was his line from and that was he set me on my mission and that was the goal. I I one of the things about the book that I really appreciated was, you know, communication is is is a skill. It's an art and some people are better communicators than others, but inevitably we need to communicate. And sometimes the the conversations are not easy. And sometimes we go into a meeting or we go into sh or we go and we know there or in our own family life there's going to be tough conversations. And I really like that you dedicated a really substantial amount of of time in your book to like what's the mindset, how to navigate it. I just felt that that was so helpful. So because we have you share with us like the one thing that like you feel like you have to have a tough conversation. It's not going to be gushmak. What should you go into that conversation? You know, what you have in the back of your mind that you just make life a little easier. So it's a great question and we in the book there are six sections. The 35 micro chapters are broken up into six sections. The first section is communication because so much in life rides on communication. >> We're madab. That's what we're called. >> Madab. Exactly. and and and therefore it's this it can't be overemphasized or the the the the need to become a master communicator which really everyone could work on in their own way in order to improve their communication. At the same time you touched on a an important point is that sometimes there's certain situations that are a bit delicate. So I actually have a separate section on diplomacy and that is where sometimes there are delicate conversations. There's one chapter the art of the exit. If a person's in a business relationship and maybe it's not working out what is a mahalak and there I the the there was I mean I remember when I learned it and I was started dancing in light when he asked the part when you know the shepherds they they were eating from other people's property and the question is au like he it was and and I have in here a five a five-part step-by-step plan in the art of the exit. And it's it's like so it's clear. It's from Aroabinu. Aromabu spelled it out. He because remember he said, you know, you want to go, you go right, I'll go left, you go left, I'll go right. What Aramavino was spelling out in a situation where the exit is inevitable how to do it in a very in the in the most gushmaka way for a very ungushmaka situation. if I could put it that way. There's a chapter on that. So that's diplomacy. Also there's a a byash of Yehuda when Yehuda and we know the shot that you know he was going he was you know he had to he had to champion for binyam and yet at the same time he didn't want to you know he didn't want to you know pull out the gun so to speak but we know the murion bring down clear that it was he was going pleasant for that story for that chapter I reached out to Dr. Rich Roberts I said Dr. Roberts, maybe you have a great and he has an amazing story about when he was running his his company which he eventually sold. uh he had a a rough encounter with the FDA, the government, and how he navigated it where and and it was mamish a a great story that brings out exactly like what happened where where where he had to go as pleasant as possible, but to show that, you know, that as the way he puts it, he's I wasn't going to go down with my missiles still in their silos. [laughter] So, so, so that's so when you bring up about communication and navigating delicate situations, that's why there's quite a few microchapters under the section of communication and then still a few in diplomacy because winning relationships, of course, we always want to spell every situation should go positive. That's great. But what happens when there's a delicate situation? There's there's an entire section on that. I was looking through the book and there's a lot of amazing stories like you said before. So many great personal stories. I didn't realize that you learned by Rabbi Tr. >> So could I don't always do this but can you share the story you have in the book about cleaning up from because that was such a beautiful >> M. Yeah. >> What happened was and of course I remember it clearly um for those that were in Adelfia right the library was down the hall like when you came or you came if you came from the main entrance was to the right. If you came down the hall from where the dorm was or where the classrooms were or okay the it was to the left good what happened was they were doing work inside the base medish and they they were painting the whole base medish fine so it was closed for I don't know maybe it was a week something like that and everyone davened all the inside the library as it was known good so all they were tables in there okay now the library was you know it's a hashem a healthy mifa with with MFA boys. So, you know, library was a library. You came in there, you got some books, but you also you have a coffee, you left it there, it got sometimes got a little messy. Fine. So, Rabbi Tran uh had assigned me to to to clean up the library that you know if they see cups on the I see cups laying around to keep it clean. Good. Kitser one fine day >> because you were going to dive in there, right? And and so again we dive in there all the but in between the it was still a library and people were the herle of it was a library so people still came in but again for that week were inside the library fine and even when everyone piled in was a little squishy it was you know wasn't the same size of the mish so it you know like it rabbi trank wanted that for twist it should be nice good so I always made sure to go on maybe 10 15 minutes of just to straighten things out. Fine. Kiter let's say it was I think it was at again one of the we that someone came around and announced by the way the base medish all the painting is was finished the tables are back in the next we're going to dive in. I think it was Mkah Mka we're going to dive in inside the base medish. It came a few minutes before Rabbi Tran said, "Rabai, we're diving in the library." Good. They went to the library say they looked inside. We all dive in the library. At the end, Rabbi TR gives a clim says I assigned to clean it up. He prepared and cleaned up before Mina says in that recognition we're staying we stayed for Mina in the library. >> Beautiful. >> Of course these stories stay again rev trank just love them of course the book the article. >> Now what's your takeaway when it comes to winning relationships from that story? So the takeaway is the the the the as say that because it wasn't necessarily a compliment before him beforehand. It was the emphasis on and giving a compliment but like meaning affirming affirming that and recognizing and appreciating when someone goes out of their way and then but by doing it the way he did it. Imagine the he gave me and also he was able to train others on what's important. You know, Rabbi Tran was a master and understood people. He obviously I learned a lot of elements of winning relationships from Rav Trang Zatsal. And the the the the takeaway there was that mamish here we are and by making by by giving a compliment in front of a zebra like that you could imagine it was like he was reaffirming this is what I expect of you but it's what I expect of all. And of course it it encouraged everyone to live up to the role that he expected from us. >> Beautiful. >> Beautiful. Do you feel I mean you pra you're doing this business you've been in this business three four decades already a long time and technology has shifted dramatically? >> Yeah. Do you feel that have you seen um a decline in people's abilities to navigate relationships just because instead of looking a person in the eye having a meaningful conversation it's just it's an email it's a text it's a WhatsApp and that's it and and a putter and that defin just from my perspective definitely is somehow cutting the attention but I'm curious to see as somebody who's like you have a front row seat there what your what your understanding is. >> Yeah. So so thank you. It happens to be in the first microchapter. I go into that aspect and there are a couple of takeaways. First of all, wherever possible, studies have shown this and I have a quote um from a Dr. Kenstein that wherever possible, still try to have a face-toface conversation like we're having here, right? >> I'm sure you've done some by Zoom or whatever. Correct. Yeah. And it can be done, >> but it's still and and it's okay. It's still not the same as face to face. Soil face to face. That's what wired us. We get to see see each other. You get to see the the facial expression, the tonal expression. You there's this touch feel. You get to use all the senses. Okay. Now, video conferencing is here is here to stay. Good. That's that's a level down. A phone call is a level down. Email in general, email it has a role, but one should realize that email has a very a very a a negative side effect is that especially when it's a delicate conversation, someone sends the email, he [snorts] has all the emotion in him and he tries to interpret that into the words. when it gets read on the other side there's no facial expression there's no tonal expression there's no you don't so therefore the person who receives it is interpreting it many times in a very different way and especially if it's a delicate conversation it's unfortunately usually heading south so it's so that's why the there happens to be like let's says or even when someone's sending a message a voice message is much better than text or someone could even do a video message is much better than just a voice message. So these are important that yes that you know we do discuss in the book that a person should be mindful of especially in today's day and age where where it's where so much of our communication is digital. Try as much as possible that the person could see you. That's why video messaging or at least expression voice messaging as opposed to just words. Words have a have a high rate of being interpreted the wrong way. You know, you said before that you felt that like the the the key group of people that really need to appreciate a safer like this or a book like this and and and make it theirs is the 20 to the 40. They're starting off work and they need to learn how to navigate to maneuver, etc., etc. But imagine if this book was read by teenagers. It's user friendly. I think I I went through it. I mean, I I teach teenagers and I maybe I have that mindset a little bit. Um but imagine if we're training them in communication in relationships before they hit that point. And and you don't have to be in the business place to appreciate a book like this. >> So I I don't know like what you were thinking like when you wrote did you have a particular age or stage in mind? You're just like hey whoever could get benefit from this like so first of all again Rev Gadalia who gave great instruction for to me early on uh had made he said clearly he said you know try to go Dale Carnegie think Dale Carnegie from Dale Carnegie book good now it happens to be one of the Rabun and I'm fortunate to be close to many many Rabun I >> take a look at the beginning beautiful letters >> yeah thank you thank you thank you um so one Rob in particular told me he says yes I think there should be a curriculum in seminaries to your point >> he said I think that the seminaries they they they would take a chapter and then go through the point a micro chapter again everything is micro it's still even though we were talking about you know today's day and age communication I'm not living in in under the under a rock somewhere and therefore everything is very bite-size very very bite-sized very you know for today's day and age um But lama where it it is it is a hope that it's true to a teenager. It's written basically simple straightforward. That's why it's nothing heavy in here by size and tips that people could could implement. >> I feel like we're just literally starting. But I have one final question for you. >> Ready? >> Um what's the best way to read this book? Should you read five minutes before you go to sleep, when you wake up in the morning? Should you read a whole chapter? like what do you what would you recommend as someone who's trying to really get the full impact from the book? How should they approach it? Okay. So, thank you. I'm going to answer it two different ways the 35 microchapters have a variety. They cover, you know, so many different areas of of interpersonal relations. What we did was and I actually spent over 35 hours on this creating a master index. So in in the back you can go through any potential uh interpersonal situation that someone's in. >> They'll find it in the back. It's like a a 20page 18 page index >> um that goes through any particular it could be from positive to how to how to how to give uh you know complimenting and and to and how to deal with all different types of aspects and and also discusses challenging how to deal with avoid error avoidance or okay. So therefore, one potential way to answer it is that someone could just pick up flip through the index and say what tickles my work. Boom. What what either tickles or what issue am I dealing with and I want to deal with and then pick that chapter. >> The other recommendation would be not necessarily to read it in order. Open it up, but read read whatever chapter. Just open up to whatever you want and then read that chapter from the beginning to the end. It's a five five six minute read. and then you can start working your way around. But just jump right in. Whichever one you love, just just grab it. I hope you love whichever one you open up to, obviously. But just open open it up and dive right in. >> And don't give it away. But there's a reason why the book is orange. [laughter] >> If someone wants to know the reason, they need to buy the book. Correct. >> Yes, of course. Orange is the color of value in general. That's that's uh I also have tremendous accuratia brand who allowed there were discussions everything Ria is such a genius it was so exciting to work with him again he was my direct boss when I was there and we we had discussions is it going to be a 6 by9 or or a unique size and I explained how these type of publications also because I didn't want it to be viewed as a safer I want to be viewed in a unique light he said yes we can go unique size unique color, unique, even the uh the lamination was a very unique and we had many conversations with Aron Mosa. The team here at Art School is second to none >> perfection and yet it's so perfect. I I was just thinking I could put it in my wheelie when I travel next to my when I need a little bit of learning. I got some learning. When I can't learn, I could just figure out how to win another relationship. It was such a pleasure talking to you. Buy the book. It's fantastic. It's easy. It's practical. It's inspiring. And it really has the potential to assist you in upgrading your relationships. Thank you very much for coming in. >> Great. Thank you, Rabanda. It's a pleasure. [music] >> [music]