Rabbi Bruce Rachlin on Relationships (Tu B'Av)

and uh first of all I'm R Bruce rackler good to see all of you um our goal tonight is to together explore some of the subtleties of uh Kash and specifically as they regard um choosing a mate and maintaining a marriage the two most operative words there are subtleties and together so please don't don't only feel free to participate but it will be helpful if you participate let's begin God said is not good for man to be alone I'm going to make him an azer cono a help against him uh whatever that may mean and we'll see if we can't elucidate it as we go along now if you take if you take a look at this P um there's something which uh doesn't seem absolutely necessary as we say in uh in learning it's mut it's uh extra it doesn't really have to be there so I ask you in this P what really doesn't have to be here um no KGO is as we'll see you know a crucial part of the phrase AER KGO so let me suggest that what really doesn't have to be here is L it's not good for man to be alone could simply have saido I'll make a helpmate for man doesn't really have to elus uh why he wants to do that we certainly know he doesn't always elucidate why he wants to do a particular thing it's almost as if the P was concerned for what that we might think what that it's good to be alone that it's good to be alone it's almost as if the p is suggesting we might think it would be good for man to be a alone so um how can that be how can it be that uh the the PUK had a concern that we might think it was good for man to be alone why I mean why would it be good for man to be alone uh okay a haran was created singly good what else what other reasons might we have for thinking it would be good for man to be alone I'll mention to you while you're thinking about that that the ramban here uh he quotes in this context famous Med duim that man was created Too Faced has a slightly different uh Nuance in English than it does in Hebrew that man was created two-sided he was created as a sexually and psychologically self-contained creature so I say to you again why might we have thought that it was good for man to be alone independent oh that he he would be independent he would have to rely on others good what else would be responsible for anyone except himself he might not be responsible for anyone except for himself what else yeah it's easier in a certain way just to be self-contained right and he would possess perhaps a sense of wholeness right which otherwise apparently he does not and he would be free of comparon and free of competition perhaps and free of the drive to have to prove oneself and to um possess and to overcome others and therefore I think that you've uh mentioned some very good reasons and therefore we're sort of driven to the question to ask why does God conclude that it's low to that it's not good for man to be alone certainly in the face of all these reasons that have been enumerated here we can see why we might think very well that it is good for man to be alone so why does God conclude that it's not good take a look at Rashi we'll see Rashi has one one a suggestion um I'm trying to find it uh oh good um Pas 18 right below the line 18 it's not good for man shal so that he would not say stay that there are two authorities in the world God above the Z and he has no partner and man in the Earthly realm have no partners that RI suest man might start to think that uh what really has if we want to understand that why man might think that it's good you know to be alone why he might get this sense of a superiority we just have to think for a moment about our own government and the effect of isolation on the sense of power why is it so often we're seeing politicians who who go astray is the only way to put it who go astray and do the most um terrible things with their power or use it for their own benefit we have have unfortunately examples on top of examples here and uh wherever others may have come from um so Rashi seems to suggest that isolation by man being alone would create a sense of power and a sense of um what's the word I'm looking for here a sense of unaccountability unaccountability thank you a sense of unaccountability that we know leads to terrible results okay so that's why Rashi thinks it's not good for man to be alone what other reason might we suggest that it's not good for man to be alone even though we developed all the reasons why it might be good for man to be alone pardon right that's true but remember in the context of the ran Man was created sexually whole He presumably could reproduce uh himself if he wanted to now I'm not suggesting that that is to be taken literally but why why might we think that it's uh not good for man to be alone but before the head there was no need to reproduce because man was supposed to live forever uh that's possibly so but I think that Al we just want to go straight that we we need to ask why isn't it good and we have one suggestion because of the sense of power that it would give Adam uh in the world but also we said before that you know man wouldn't have to struggle man wouldn't have to face comparison he wouldn't have to you know what perhaps man needs the anxiety of strg and that's one reason why it's not good for him to be alone and perhaps man needs to strive to reach Beyond himself and that's not why it's good for him to be alone and self-contained okay in any event God has a solution for this problem of it's not being good for man to be alone and that's what according to theu why is what's God's solution to it's not being good for man to be alone that right I'm going to create for him an AER cono a help against him whatever that may mean we're not going to explore that at the moment but I think before we're finished it will come clear to us what perhaps that means okay so let's move on now to see how Kad boru intends to advance this solution of it's not good for man to be alone how does God Advance it so let's take a look at verses 19 and 20 here okay and God created from the ground every beast of the field the we had called and every foul of the heaven and he brought them elhad to man to see what he would call them what he would name them and whatever man called the living creatures that was its name and man called name to all of the animals and to the birds of the heaven and to every beast of the field and man did not find for himself a mate now there's a very there's a very uh striking notion here that what yes right the P seems to suggest that the purpose of n ofam naming the animals was to somehow help him find a mate among them and by the way the ramban and others say you know what had he actually found the uh someone with whom he was compatible there that's that's what it would have been of course he didn't find a name um for himself but that may not be the only you know uh man didn't find man did not find for himself okay so um so let's ask ourselves again what's the purpose according to sukim of bringing the animals uh before Adam several reasons out what was reason number one why to name them number one is to name them and number two well okay we're going to get there right that somehow he doesn't find a mate among the animals but if we take a look at Rashi at the bottom of page one on the left hand bottom two lines of page one Rashi says as follows and further it teaches you here that at the moment of the their creation the animals creation m b immediately in that very day that God created the animals he brought them to Adam to call them names let's focus in on these next few words a in the words of the a of the mid that that we find in our pasuk that God created the animals right and brought to man this is a language which implies subjugation and Dominion as the P says brings another POS here when you shall SI a city you'll attack a city that he subjugated them under the hand or the power of AD that's a wonderful question we we don't know exactly how he did it although many of them of fortun say that he had and he had an intuition that God had built into an intuition as to what would be a proper designation for each of the animals but we don't really know okay now um there's a strange idea here that somehow naming the animals was a form of subjugating them how in the world is naming someone an act of subjugating them am I subjugating my children when I give them a name yeah oh why how that person why why do we this thing or if it's not after something after you know enough you pick it for a certain reason or from the okay you areation subject pretty strong you know name the animals he he was like defining somehow he was defining them somehow he was defining them oh and let's put it into context of Our Lives um when you go to the doctor and he labels you a patient is he taking some control of your life he certainly is isn't he when a teacher when a teacher labels a child a slow learner is he taking control of that child's life you better believe that he is and the most obvious obvious example in all of our Lives is if we take a job and we have a boss and I'm the boss's [Music] employee has he taken control of my life to some uh real measure right so name in someone is very often an establishing of my authority over that individual and in that moment I take control to some degree away from the individual and become the person in control now what what is Autumn intended to learn from this process of subjugation because the we read two at the end of uh 20 it says he named all of these animals but he didn't find a mate for himself so what are we intended to learn from this process of subjugation as regards choosing a mate for ones okay fair enough and and what else might we think how could we expand that idea a moment how could we expand that idea A Moment Like a lost sheep he's got nobody to control no one he can he doesn't have anyone to control and therefore what what are we meant to learn here from his inability to find someone to control to be a mate for him uh I would put it a slightly different way but I think it's what you're suggesting which is a relationship in which one partner dominates the other is low toes is not good for man Adam goes through the entire process of naming the animals he does not which is a process according to Rashi of subjugating them under his control and the pasup says and he didn't find a make for himself in other words something which I can subjugate something which I can subjugate is not a proper M for myself there has to be a certain parity in the relationship and minus that par minus that um equality it's not good it's not good for the relationship okay not in the beginning that was not intended it was only after the incident with a Nash with a snake that um boru suggested that in at least in certain Realms in certain Realms defined Realms that she would perhaps be subject to her husband a great question but it's those it's those defined Realms that that draws the difference originally it was not meant to be that K would be sub subjugated to uh to Adam and perhaps not in any sense are get that it yes we're going to get to that we're going to get to the part that relates to that okay good okay [Music] now we go different inter okay um now if we take go I would like us to take a moment here [Music] and take a look once again at the 19th verse and I want to suggest to you that in that verse if you look carefully there's something which is uh Miss said let me put it that way it's Miss said it doesn't uh uh really belong there or at least it shouldn't be put in that way what is that what in that this seems to be wrong I'll give you one hint we use this expression so often ourselves in daily life that it doesn't sound wrong to us anymore but it is wrong the word to see is understand good in other words it P says that God came to see what utum would name the animals right you don't come to see what utum would name the animals you come to hear what Autumn would name the animals so let me ask you this what is God coming to see in this uh naming process what what is it that he wants to view in this process of autumn naming the animal how the animal react name how the animals react to the name that's an interesting thought I must admit I haven't thought of it in that way before maybe what else but uh you have a great idea flip it to see how Adam not sees the animals reacts to the animals uh and why why does God want to see the visceral reaction of to the animals let's take hang on let's take a look at uh Rashi again AER cono which you will find on page uh actually it's page two or 25 named right when God brought them the animals he brought them in front of him every species male and female Omar he Adam said when he was doing this to each of them there there's a mate and I have no mate M immediately by yel God put him to sleep and created C so what is it that God really wants to see in this process as regards Autumn's reaction should come to his own conclusion we'll come to that that's one correct answer to come to his own conclusion what other answer may be there's something missing oh he wants to realize it he wants him to realize it on his own so let's see what it is that let's actually look at the process now ourselves and see exactly what may have happened there the each spe species male and female is brought before other as they pass a certain realization grows in Adam's mind you might say in his soul and what is that realization according to rosi only oh in other words that he is alone alone he's alone I am of all the creatures am alone and if we take a look now at the ran on page um five it's both in the Hebrew and English I'm going to read the English for everyone in my opinion the ramban says it is correct to say that it was his cage moro's will Blessed Be he not to take Adam's Rib from him to make him a wife until he himself autum himself would know that among the created beings there is no help suit suitable for him until and until he would crave to have a help suitable like him what is thean saying he's saying something very profound here what is he saying uh yes I want to draw that a little further can you draw it a little further for us for ah good in other words you first have to realize that you not La lack it that you need it right the you first have to realize it that you need it and so this really brings us to the second criteria in choosing a m bre it is someone [Music] who you need and at the same time that person has to fulfill your need it's not good enough just to need the person we all know unfortunately that very often you can fall in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate but a person has to create that need within you and they have to satisfy the need as well what happened to Adam in that situation was that as he saw all of them coming before him he became progressively anxious I'm alone I'm alone and I'm lonely because I'm alone and I need someone but these don't fulfill my need exactly exactly I think you are 1,000% correct Kad boru did it this way because he wouldn't have appreciated her if he was just if she was just brought to him and handed to him on silver platter so to speak he had to realize that he had a need and that someone had to fulfill that need that's is a differentiation between man and animal man has a kind of acknowledgement or acknowledgement of lack of want something and that's why maybe one of maybe one I know the re why in the first place God didn't create men Adam as a whole and because of that maybe he said it's not so because for every creation of God he said go so and suddenly it's not told right good excellent that's wonderful right good so let me ask you if I if Adam doesn't find some one who you know calls out to him to his need and certainly not someone who satisfies his need why is that why is it that after all um you know other didn't find uh a mate there as I mentioned to you the ran at least says that had he found a mate you know perhaps a giraffe or you know unicorn I don't you know and had he found someone whom he liked you know God they would have made it we would be a very different species than we are now so what is it about them that um that you know doesn't work for him right well let's say he would find one of those females you know it would be a problem for the male of that species but you know for himself you know if he you know so what what is it why doesn't it work for him couldn't be an as uh can't be an aser connect but why can't they be an aser connect challeng oh because there are two aliens right that they they too unreachable for him he can't identify or relate to them that's why it doesn't work for them and so now we come to our third criter not only must there be parody in the relationship not only must that person create and fulfill a need that I have but there has to be identity and relationship I have to on many levels identify myself with this other creature and I must relate to that person for reasons which we'll get to shortly okay now I want to I want to ask you something you know we've gone through these pum I think we've looked at them pretty carefully and identified a number of problems and subtleties in the P but you know what if it had been us we could have done it so much easier than God did it you know why did he go through this whole rigar roll this whole process all he had to do was what yeah he had to tell Autumn what it's not good for you to be alone Adam take my word for it you know I I can see a little further than you it's just not good for you uh to be alone believe me um so why so why does since there's such a obviously simpler method of doing this why does God go through this whole complicated uh process that we've uh witnessed here because you didn't have any contempories there no one but people today when I in see that and women together he okay good what else might we think an relationship between AD and certain par have to understand each other okay what else might we suggest good I think it's a very simple thing that in some ways we've forgotten uh today which is one cannot mandate the complex desire to give myself over to another which is called which is called love you can't you can't command love even God couldn't command love and therefore and therefore K who goes through this complex process so that Adam on his own can come to the conclusion that he needs someone and that he has to have relationship with that person and that there must be some parody in that relationship between himself and uh his mate pardon that's right that's right and that's why and without without going without It's a Wonderful question without going off track here too much that that's why many of them of fortunate struggle exactly with what do we mean by loving God is it some sort of uh complex emotional connection that I meant to have with God or is it some sort of intellectual connection or realization I'm meant to have with or about God so we see them for them struggle exactly with that question how can you command love and many of them say you can't command love so how do God command love so that becomes the whole uh complex discussion and of itself okay so now we said there are three criteria Ence for choosing a mate it should be someone whom I can not it can not be someone whom I can subjugate there must be parity equality of some sort in the relationship it's the the relationship must generate and fulfill a sense of need within me and obviously a sense of need in the other person as well it has to be neutral and there has to be identity and relationship between the two people that's that's I'm I'm uh not driving us too far into that because uh it it's very important to understand what identity and relationship mean but it will take us uh a little more time than we have this evening to try and Define uh what that might mean okay so now what happens so now now Adam has finally come to the place where he realizes that he needs someone else and kador who does what what does God do for him well before that put in this way right uh the let's go back to that that I have to find it so help me 21 okay so Alam and God caused to fall upon other this translation says a deep sleep I would use a slightly fancier word because I think it the Nuance conveys a profound Sleep God caused him to fall into a profound sleep Al on the man and he slept by and he took one of his this is translated ribs perhaps more literally translated sides he took one of his SIDS now this is a notion of this is par where rangas notion right that uh Man was created dup partum two cider Two Face you know he was two holes um and okay and took one of his sides and he um and he closed up the place with love yizar basar he closed up the place with the Flesh and then God uh built the side the side which he had taken for a man for to a woman Elam um now this is the this is the part on which we have the U comedic break what uh if you take a look at those two pukin 21 and 22 uh what does that process sound like to you in in terms Sur surgery the first surgery right it's the first surgery and the this deep sleep the first anesthetic of uh of some sort it's almost like a trans likee or comike uh State and um the whole operation itself sounds like what sort of a uh process or procedure in modern terms not so much a transplant as a separation SES twins cloning cloning yeah I I that's possible what you're saying Aon is possible as well uh it's some sort of genetic manipulation right it's some sort of genetic manipulation I don't mean that seriously but you know that you know to the modern ear you might uh here's some of those nuances there okay and now we come to a very very important uh P 23 let's look at it together it's on page three or V and the man said this time it is bone of my bone and and Flesh of My Flesh is this one will be called woman he may because from man was this one uh taken what what is this pasuk describing on the part of Adam what is this person describing on the part of right I'm going to give you the short answer the short answer is that I think that it [Music] was so apparent to him that um this creature was totally different from the other creatures he had done before him that he did not even think in terms of subjugating it wasn't a category that came to mind because he had a need and this creature um both generated that need and he saw that she could fulfill the need in fact if you want to go even further in this I had intended to learn this rosi with you uh take a look at the Rashi on the same page at the bottom left hand left hand column towards the bottom it's uh where it's underlying zap this is now this uh zap this time the pasuk says malam this teaches Roi says that had relations with every beh and Beast and his mind was not cooled his anxiety was not overcome by him through them right Rock but I think what Rashi is pointing out too is that this is such an obviously different context for ad that his reaction to uh doesn't allow for that thought to enter his mind he's not saying anything except what's so I mean he's not defining the woman beond right well we're going to see what we're going to see what he's doing here so hang on to that thought we're going to see what he's doing here so let me ask you this pasuk PUK 23 what does it speak to what is it telling us just put more simply what is this P telling us yeah but overall what is it telling us h identif yeah that's a point what else is it telling us overall what is the PUK as a whole talking about he's happy right he talking about his what his not interesting but his reactions to K right it's talking about his reactions to number one number two there's a certain word in the P which is repeated over and over which is always a a clue to us that it is very important word in the context of a verse and what word is that in this verse well what word is repeated over and over again zot this right so what I want to do is take each instance of this this and try and figure out what that particular zot what sort of reaction it is expressing on part of Adam okay so let's begin with what I think is the simplest one the first one he wakes up there's and he says this time it's bone of my bone and flesh of myh FL what sort of a reaction is that pardon yeah or in the broad term we call excited and all other sorts of reactions uh like that what kind of reactions pardon yeah positive but I not looking for anything deep here most they're emotional reactions right this is an emotional his first reaction to C is an emotional [Music] reaction bone of my bone and Flesh of My Flesh he ints in a second that this is uh the person he needs okay let's go to the second one he says is to this one shall be called woman what sort of reaction is that we might read f a little bit I'll read a little F because from man was this one taken what sort of a reaction is that intellectual an intellectual reaction right he's evaluating where she's come from you know Etc he says this is how one must Define her it's a intellectual reaction so so far he has a emotional reaction and then he has an intellectual reaction and now comes the hard part and it says because this one was taken from man well if it's not emotional and it's not intellectual what is it what sort of reaction is it pH uh um I it doesn't sound physical to me well let me ask you something when you say about when you point to uh something and you say about it or someone you say this what are you doing what are you when I point to you and I say this excuse me for doing that not polite it's not polite right it's what we call an objectifying um uh statement or reaction I turn that person let's say in this case into an object I'm I'm objectifying that thing now is objectifying someone good not usually but what about here is it good here perhaps he does know he doesn't know her okay but he recognizes what about her in the strangest way he recognizes what about her's part of him part of no not that she's a part of him she's not that she's like him that she's separate from him in the most strange way he recognizes that she is a person in and of herself even though he she may have come from him and this is what kind of a reaction it's not an emotional reaction it's not an intellectual reaction it's a it's a moral reaction to her it's an ethical reaction to her he acknowledges is that she is a creature although taken from him she is a creature who is her own being now I want to I want to ask ourselves this question um let me put let me make a statement I think here what the Kash has done in this Pur is to spell out for us the three aspects of a marriage relationship without which it doesn't work there has to be emotional interaction there has to be intellectual reaction I have to try and understand the other person person I have to try and know who and what he or she is and then I also have to acknowledge that this person is a creature in and to herself for all the fact that somehow she's related to me want to ask you a question we we live in an age where the divorce rates are um horrible Terri you know uh half in the United States half of all marriages are doomed to divorce fortunately here it's not that great and we can only pray it doesn't be ever become that great but let me ask you this if you had to choose one of these [Music] three modes of a marriage emotional intellectual and moral or ethical over which one does most um merited breakdown first I think it's I think it's the moral if you fail to respect the person as an individual within let me use female uh this terms my speaking of it uh as a person within herself who has certain rights therefore who has the right to make certain demands upon me who has the right to ask me to recognize her as not simply an extension of myself that's where in my experience it breaks down over and over and then when that breaks down the emotions turn cold the emotions turn and cold in the relationship and uh all understanding seems to flee out the door okay so now we have three criteria for choosing a mate and three type three modes of relationship which one has to maintain if the relationship is going to work over time and and now let's come to the very last uh P that we're going to uh to discuss tonight 24 on page four okay the PUK says therefore therefore a man should lose leave sorry his father and mother and cling to his wife and they should become [Music] one flesh um the word Alain therefore implies what a conclusion based on what came before so my question is B on given what's come before from PUK 18 here what is the Alcan the therefore relating back to so I think one very powerful answer is because it's not good for man to be alone therefore he has to do A and B and C good what else he's with his father he's not alone either oh well we're going to talk about that in a moment we'll see whether he is or not what the other possib real possibility is for all the things we've discussed uh until now in this Lon therefore a man must leave his father and his mother um now I want to what does it meant by leave a man must leave her Mo wife must leave her mother and her father uh does that mean I can't uh uh live with my parents does it mean I can't visit my parents what does it mean h okay change in Authority good be inde right I think if you put the two together what what you come out with is very simple that um what yzo means I have to leave my father and my mother means that I have to alter the balance the veilance of my relationships right whereas previously the most profound influence upon me is probably what whom the parents particularly in the early years even though we don't seem to realize how that carries through the rest of our life sometimes um none nonetheless I have to now make this relationship with my mate the primary uh relationship in my life um you know you know why it is that a a person actually shouldn't or can't live forever in their parents' home what's the answer to that a very simple answer what is it to put it another way to put it another way you can't be a child all your life right you can't be a child all your life okay a new self must come has to come into being right a new self has to come into being [Music] and um okay now after one has altered this balance in one's relationship so that the married relationship becomes the primary relationship in one's life theuk says he has to he has to cleave or cling to his wife or her husband but what does de mean what does it mean cling here de in you know we have glue you know so what what does it mean he has to glue himself to his wife for um cing to his wife put her as a priority put her as a priority it's and what else put her as a priority else pardon that's right and not decision right exactly you have to stick by it right what else know what you need to know about to what I'm I I think you just said something very profound I'm going to try and put it slightly simply you put it in a a very nuanced way which is that I have to extend the sources of my embarrassment and joy in broader terms I have to make that person's concerns my concern I can't just go my Merry way not wondering what I'm going to do is how what I'm going to do is going to affect my husband or my wife I have to open myself up and take that person into my being because every partner has to feel the support of the other and it's only when each partner feels the support of the other that the security is achieved which breathes grow simple that you have to feel secure in the relationship if the relationship is going to grow I'm well we're going to come to that in one second okay and we're going to come to it uh in this context and the concludes by it says and they should become one flesh what does it mean they should become one flesh rash look at rashi rashi is very you know he's always shock oriented he says B it's on page um four page four right hand column underlined the child is uh formed uh by both man and woman and it's there that their flesh is made one so somehow Rashi sees this outside of their relationship in a certain way it's only in the child that uh they're made one but if we take a look if we turn over to page page six the last page we'll see that the thno had a very different and profound understand understanding of this he says and they shall become one flesh in all their actions they will aim to attain the Perfection intended by man's creation as though the two were as only one what is he saying for it should be for one flesh means what separation of one anding of the other right and also that they should have they should come to have a common Vision it should come to have a common Vision which as a family they're pursuing doesn't mean that they can't uh you know pursue different parts of it or you know work uh different ways but overall they have to have a common Vision which they're pursuing in their lives I want to uh conclude tonight by reading to you I apologize for reading it to you um a um a thought or thoughts that when I was trying to um Define this came to me and came to me in a sort of poetic way and I apologize for fact it's not poetry but it has that sense sometimes I know the final vision of the kumash is painful in its beauty the pain stems perhaps from the failure to realize the vision in our times to solitary individuals confront one another they act and are acted upon they contend and are illuminated they struggle but the bond of their commitment sustains them in their cooperation in their complimentarity in their identification one through the other they penetrate each other's existence as a circle lying half within a square each is itself yet somehow altered through my partner's love of nature I too come to love it yet he sees the ripples on the water and I its currents we have both grown together but are not lost one within the other to the contrary we share the becoming of self through the medium of another a relationship Beyond gratitude but this is not a static condition the result can no longer be separated from the process I am the other she I we are together the dynamic of two lives moving inextricably one with the other now I think I think if you think about it you'll see that we have answered the question of what is a can okay good thank you very much