Rabbi Aaron Dovid Poston: Love verses Lust lessons learned from a Yafet Toar A Woman Captured in War

[Music] welcome everyone to the yibbani bait midrash welcome home to torah we are in parashat ki taitsei now if you listen to last week's parsha you'll be familiar with some of the concepts some of the verses however we're going to go much deeper and broader and cover other ideas that we have not yet discussed i want you to know for those who are not familiar we use the clear car as the basis for the discussion and he knows grammar like no one else like no one on this planet today okay i have to tell you he lived 400 years ago he's an expert in language in the hebrew language and he loves to point things out that he only knows the measures she already knows what rashi says he already knows the the basis for you know what the oral torah has to explain about certain verses certain concepts and he shows you through the language how it's actually in the text meaning the message that god wants us to know is staring at us in the text but we're not familiar with the language as well as he is and therefore we will delve in and we shall begin it's in chapter 21 of deuteronomy oh by the way i just want to mention we have people on skype with people live in the room and if you ever want to join us live on skype there is a link down below which will help you uh address that issue you can contact us and we will by sending us an email and we will send you the skype address okay so here we go it's in chapter 21 of deuteronomy verse 10. what happens is this when you go out to war upon i'm using the word upon even though here it says against your enemy you'll understand why because the word al is not the word kanegen you go to war when you go out to war upon your enemy upon your enemies plural and this is where he points out one of the interesting words and he right hashem will put him who's him it says you're going to get out against your enemies plural and god will place him singular into your hands the shavita shivyo and you capture his captive or its captive what in the world is going on here okay so the english means when you go out to war against your enemies and hashem your god will deliver this art scroll translation says them into your hands but if you look at this article translation it says him into your hands so how did they mess up i don't know maybe it was an earlier edition and they fixed it because you look in chabad and it says him you go to others it says him but for some reason it would flow right the logic dictates that it would flow quite uh simple when you go out against your enemies and god delivers them into your hands that would make sense but only through the hebrew would you be able to understand clearly or see clearly that that's not a good translation to say them it is him or a single enemy and that is one of the things we'll discuss tonight they start out as an alliance as soon as the war starts the allies disappear and only demand and when you get defeated that could be but the clear won't discuss that tonight i think he did mention that as a possibility how we view it or how hashems use it right in god's eyes in our eyes how we see them this will be discussing a totally different idea that will i think change your life yeah like israel went out to war against jordan and the iraqis said we'll help you as soon as this will start running the iraqis okay i got that i think he discussed that last week like i just mentioned but he's going to talk about it from a different angle so if you put on your seat belts and get ready for the trip of your life he says like this the clear car begins although i do want to read the rashi but let's start with the the clear car first the word as larry pointed out it means right it's plural you have that second yud it's plural your enemies lash and rabbi it's definitely plural the akhamar but right away immediately it says no and he will be placed hashem will place him layla maymar it would have made more structural sense right grammatically if it said with the noon mem at the end which means them but it doesn't that's the first thing he points out another thing it says we all know what the word al means it means upon the truth it could be next to next your enemies upon your enemies we all know when you go to war you're going to war against your enemies correct yet the word connected is not used it's all upon your enemy so we will have to find out what that means me boy later my fight now he quotes a madrish so keep let's let's read the rashi before we go to the medrash rashi on deuteronomy chapter 21 verse 10. it says when you go out to war what kind of war you know there's more than one type of war there's a milham at mitzvah and in muhammad rashud what's the difference one is self-defense when they come against you that's called an obligatory war or it's in the land of israel within the land of israel we were obligated to fight these seven nations that would be called mitzvah of a war of mitzvah however this thing called an optional war and that's when like king david decided we need more resources so he would approach the neighboring countries and try to make a treaty where they would pay taxes and there wouldn't be a war or we'd be able to get a good deal like trump would try to work out good tariffs right ahead of time and if they didn't agree so then could be that we could go to war that's called an optional war so basically it's talking about outside the land of israel optional wars basically take place outside the land of israel uh defensive wars or for the seven nations would take place within the land of israel so rashi says right away because it says keep tate say when you go out it must be referring to an optional war okay that's rashi not only that he says because in reference to obligatory war what do we know you're supposed to wipe out the enemy they don't have a choice here right we know that the verse says that you're going to take captives if right that's what we're going to go on and we're going to talk about if you find a beautiful woman i just wanted to mention now and i think this will be the title of the class lust or love right what what do they mean and we're going to go into so if you are listening now we are going to discuss love versus lust okay now in the meantime what happens you're going to take these captives because you found this beautiful woman in war and we're going to discuss it more in detail but look at deuteronomy chapter 20 ver verse 16 right when you find these um the canaanites any of the seven nations of canaan it says from these people you shall not allow any soul to live so you're not going to take captives from the canaanites so what are we talking about here we obviously are talking about an external war an optional war where we're going outside the land now one second remember we said and you will take captive it's or his captive what's that talking about rashi says that double language because it says you will capture his captive to include canaanites in their midst so we're talking about like going into lebanon or going into syria or sudan whatever it is we're going outside the land and there are canaanites there how did they get there they ran away remember 40 years we were in the desert they had plenty of time to leave okay they knew we were coming and those who were fearing god perhaps they were righteous knew if would they come in they're gonna kill me maybe they weren't so righteous they were just being uh smart and um what's the word and you know practical thank you just being practical yeah how do they know where we're coming well because by the splitting of the sea the verses tell us that the whole world was was aware of what had just happened and specifically whatever they call the felista whoever they are their locals in israel they knew even a mullet came from far away so the whole world knew we had left the i mean this is a major uh besides the ten plagues right this is a major world event so the the canaanites in fact i don't want to get off subject but you know the idea that if you had if somebody had um leprosy in the wall of their house because they'll tell us that this would come about because of being a miser and what they would do is you would have to break down the wall get rid of the the mold so to speak get rid of the illness and what would they find inside gold measure for measure hashem is actually rewarding only a righteous person receives this type of prophecy called leprosy you think that they're evil they're speaking hara it's only somebody who is on the level to be able to receive this type of prophecy so the the person who's a miser what do they have to do they have to take all their belongings and put them out on the lawn before the cohen is called in right because otherwise that has to be destroyed once the cone comes in it says everything is coming right the wall's tummy and everything in the house is tame it's all destroyed so what do they do to the miser he's to put everything out on the lawn and then his neighbors will see oh my god you know i came and asked him if i could borrow his hammer the other day and he said i don't have a hammer to lend you or i asked to borrow something else and here it is on his lawn so it's measured for measure part of the punishment so to speak but also part of the cure that's something we should all really feel good about that when hashem is punishing us it's actually to help us okay it's there to bring us to a higher level of existence therefore what happens to this so-called miser after his punishment is done he breaks down the wall what does he find that very thing that he that was affecting him in a negative way which is the the lack of money and hashem actually will help him out and give him a gift and how did the money get in the wall because it says that the canaanites knew we were coming very similar to what happened in in modern state of israel when um i was 48 as well 67 i think it happened both times the the national leaders i know for egypt and several others they told the local palestinian population i suggest leave because we're going to wipe them out then you can come back so what are you going to do with your valuables you hide them in the walls that's what they were doing they thought they were coming back otherwise you take it with you never never to see it again right you're leaving for good you're going to go to america and start a new life or south america no no they expected to come back because that's what they were told i'm talking about the modern state so it's nothing new there's nothing new under the sun they expect it to come back or fight the war and be able to come back so it's basically like a safe deposit box right you hide it in the wall you run you come back it's still there for you well for the next several hundred years anybody that had leprosy on the wall in the end found gold there but they were a sinner right they were miserly and there was something wrong in their character and yet after all said and done they're actually i'm called the cure the the red the the resolution right is there for them right in front of them under their nose that's the babe that's the beauty of it right the healing is really right under our nose we just don't even know it so we have to open our eyes pray to hashem to reveal it to us okay so that was an interesting rashi let's go back into the actual measures now the measures the cleo cards quoting it goes like this the language upon your enemies i did point out the word al does not mean against yet the measure tells us that it means against your enemy okay fine and that hashem will place with three lines down on the first paragraph and hashem will place him into your hands now what does the measure say it says that if you do asita if you do if you end up doing everything that is discussed in this parsha which we will discuss you're talking about bringing her who's her that beautiful captive we call it a uh um jaffa toar a woman of beautiful form into your home from war for 30 days and she's going to shave her head and grow her nails and take off her beautiful garments and put on clothes of the mourner and cry over her mother and father if you do all that because that's what it seems to be saying imasita cola um in the so in the end hashem will place him again we're dumbfounded what does it mean him into your hand does that mean the enemy the enemy will be placed in your hand that's where the measure seems to end and the clear car says i don't understand any of this lo heyvanti devarov i don't understand the words of the medrash but believe me by the time we get through tonight you'll have he he certainly has he will help us have a much deeper understanding of how the world works so he asked on the measures what does it mean when the when the measure says uh all that is said regarding this matter this idea [Music] if it's referring to that you should shave her head like we didn't read all those verses but if you go and read from deuteronomy chapter 21 verses 11 12 and 13 let's just get an idea so this is the following verse and if you see among the captives a beautiful woman and you desire her you may take her for yourself as a wife you shall bring her into your home and she shall shave her head and let her nails grow and she shall remove the garment of her captivity from upon herself and stay in your home stay in your house and wait for her father and her mother for a full month after that you may be intimate with her and possess her and she shall be a wife for you i do want to go through some of the rashes first before we enter the clear car again so notice when it says you may take you desire her and you may take her for yourself as a wife scripture is speaking regarding this you're normally not allowed to marry a non-jewish woman okay but scripture is speaking against the evil inclination this is going to be key tonight that what the scripture what the torah the torah the torah itself the way rashi expresses it sounds like this particular case the torah is trying to help you with yet i'm going to take it a little bit more literally maybe maybe not literally but we'll see i want to say what i think hazal has always been saying is the torah itself the whole torah is the cure against sahara everything about it from the aleph to the tough from the first bet to the last lamin every single one of the holy sacred letters and words and verses and even the spaces in between everything about the whole torah is the elixir of life is the drug drug for life that will help you become a transcendent person uh to go above your evil inclination which god created in this world which we will discuss tonight okay so that's the first part of rashi so he says for god if the holy one blessed be he would not have permitted her to him what would he do what we know happens all over the world in almost every single war that we've ever heard of and i want you to know this is an amazing thing and anybody can prove me wrong yet nobody's proved me wrong yet it sounds like you know we all know in war there's a lot of rape and pillaging and very naughty things that soldiers do i don't think that an israeli army soldier has ever been accused in court has been taken to court has been even accused of rape by the local palestinian population so much so that i haven't heard of such a thing that even the palestinians use this they know it's true they actually went uh using it for their propaganda and they claim that the jews are so racist they wouldn't even want to marry i'm sorry uh um rape a palestinian this is how sick and twisted that that idea is because amazing okay so but normally in war this is what would happen so the torah teaches us that if he does marry her this is really crazy what we're about to hear he will ultimately come to despise her how is that how's that and right away right you know we're reading right now verses 10 through 14. that's we're going to focus on tonight but verses 15 onward speak about if a man has two wives and one of them he hates so the raj is telling us that if you do take a second wife you will come to hate her you're one of them listen if a man has two wives one beloved and the other despises in verse moreover he will ultimately father through her a wayward and rebellious have been sora a a rebellious child which if you look begins in verse 18. there's a sequence to the torah in terms of the lessons supposedly learned or hopefully taken to heart to learn which is the office towar this woman who you take as a captive in war it's not going to have a good result the result will be you'll end up hating her which seems to be the next paragraph and as a result of that the child will be god forbid a a very rebellious son who has dire consequences we're not going to get into that much tonight but keep in mind what roshi's trying to say and that's why these passages are jux juxtaposed what about letting her nails grow so rashi explains so she becomes repulsive okay today i don't know i honestly don't know if long nails are repulsive but try to imagine thousands of years ago perhaps it was okay so i know it's hard to imagine i think that today they claim people people spend a lot of money women spend a lot of money to have long nails because they think they're pretty but maybe as kids we knew there was like a wicked witch somewhere who had these long nails right you're not you don't know what i'm talking about you don't know about a wicked witch okay fine oh hear that from beijing our guest from beijing our holy brother aron says that if you have long nails it's extremely difficult to do housework you basically exempt i know i see today women with long nails doing typing and they usually have a pencil and do one uh one letter at a time so they're not that's not going to account for i don't know what they do 50 words a minute or 50 letters right that's how they the average secretary can do like x amount they they're they're they're not in they're not getting paid for the amount of words they can type per minute that's for sure okay so okay so what i was saying is at least back then growing your nails would be something repulsive let's leave it at that that's how rash explains it she let them grow so that she becomes repulsive to her captor to induce him to change his mind about marrying her as if that alone i think it's the whole package right to shaving her head letting the nails grow and we'll see the other things that she does and how that is supposed to turn him off let's see it says she shall remove her garment of her captivity so that she would not be attractive so she comes with you know maybe beautiful color for clothing but yet she takes that off and puts on maybe a sackcloth he says since they're pretty close because gentile woman adorned themselves during wartime we're going to discuss this also why would a woman be in war right generally women were not on the front lines and i don't believe they should be at least in the israeli army but nobody asked me right they shouldn't be in order to seduce namely the enemy to have relations with them we're going to see that when women are on the battlefield i think you know i think when i was young we used to see movies about these women singers that would go out to entertain the troops and it it was never a pretty sight it was very i don't know what the word you know it was it was never classy it was never a classy scene right there was cat whistles and the troops got excited because they haven't seen women in a long time but supposedly it was to build the morale okay but normally women should not be in in the front lines like in the russian army and others they they send the women out to to distract the enemy soldiers okay that's perfect so it's seduced seduction of some sort uh and to stay or you know like with uh spies right many many um i'm saying diplomats or wherever they want to try to get secrets they use the people the opposite sex to seduce and to try to get into the secret okay and rashi continues and to stay in her house in your house you're gonna have her for 30 days sitting in your house in the house he uses right in the house that he's using not just like some outhouse or some you know cabin in the woods but the house that he normally uses um entering he's gonna every time he comes in and out he's gonna come upon her he will stumble upon her and upon leaving he's gonna stumble upon her seeing her weeping and seeing her unjust unsightly appearance all this so that she will become despicable to him right constantly seeing her in this state is somehow supposed to turn him off and she's going to weep for her mother and father why is all this necessary so now this is very interesting remember if he's married already so what about his jewish wife how's she going to feel about this non-jewish woman captive sitting in their home she's not going to be very happy is she no so this is what rashi says why is all this necessary so that the israelite woman who the jewish man is married to she should be happy and that this gentile captive woman should be grief stricken the israelite woman would be dressed up right nice clothes going out to dinner meanwhile this other woman is sitting there in draw drab you know uncle unattractive clothes and and form okay let's now go back into the clear car we left off i'm not mistaken here eem zusham are if this idea of what that measure said that if he did all this then the enemy will be put in his hand what are we talking about the shading of her head hurray kavardh but one second she already is in his hand so what does it mean basically the clear car is going to i'm going to just spoon feed you a little bit say that don't get confused having a captive does not mean that you won the war the enemy is still out there and there's work to be done okay let's let's see how he expresses it he says behold if already put into your hand before you already did anything she's in your possession yes how is it possible you have this captive if the enemy is not yet in your hand so he says you know if you want to say that there's no real proof from this because sometimes it's true that you can have you can capture a captive even before the war is over even before the enemy the actual enemy is put in your hand you used to have one captive and the proof he brings is from numbers chapter 21 verse 1 which is very very interesting if you ask me the deeper we go into it so the canaanite king of arad who's that apparently it's sihon or og lived in the south and heard that israel had come by the root of the spies he waged war against israel and took from them a captive but we know that they did not win the war we won the war and they took a captive who was this captive listen to this the canaanite heard rashi says so he the king heard that aaron had died how did he hear that aaron died he actually saw that the clouds of glory had departed the clouds of glory is what really protected the jewish people in the desert and the day that aaron died which was when the first of when he died so the clouds departed and they thought oh we have permission to attack right if god's not protecting them he must want us to attack and they went ahead and they attacked he heard that aaron had died the clouds of glory had departed okay okay this is a comment in the art scroll homish and i didn't put it on the source sheets but it says a captive they only took one captive right even though there was a war between us and the canaan this canaanite king of iran they ended up with only one captive who was this captive this i found very interesting it was a female slave meaning a non-jew whom the jews captured in the previous skirmish with the canaanites but this was not in israel we had not yet come to israel yet the sages assumed that the captive could not have been in israelite because it was inconceivable that the jews could have suffered losses while led by moses at this all august stage in their history according to ramban so in other words we were not yet in the land of israel yet we had a squirmish already previous to this king of arad coming against us in numbers 21 and we took a captive we took a captive so they took this captive from us just letting you know this is how the arts girl explains it which i find absolutely fascinating because it's going to help us answer a little bit when we talk about the idea that it says we captured its captive okay it also is referring to almost the same idea where they captured a canaanite and we then in the war found her as a beautiful form and took her as a wife we him it okay so that i think that was worthwhile seeing back into the clio car he's really bothered by this idea of what the measure says that in the end the he will be given into your hand so he says we're still left with a question mana layla marcan where did you where did the measures find to say natano and he will be placed in your hand as rashi quoted that only in the end and he asked shema peru although why doesn't why can't the explanation be that immediately again the sofa idea is that in the end after you do all these things then the evil inclination if we're going to discuss it that way which we haven't really i'm already letting you know we're going where we're going with this but the enemy will then be placed into your hand so he says neera next paragraph shikashal about major zoo what really bothered the author of the medrash was this word um and he shall be placed into your hand as we already pointed out they should be placed in your hand is what it needs to say so rather this is where the clear car is going he's telling us that it was an oyez that we're speaking the torah is speaking specifically about one particular enemy pratisha it's talking about one particular enemy amongst the general category of your enemies that were mentioned already and i love the poetic uh statement who where do we hear those words we hear that in miguel's esther right we probably also hear it in where in psalms yep also aims there's no other enemy that it could be possibly talking about other than your inner enemy and who's your inner enemy your evil inclination your yates or he especially comes and provokes you especially in times of danger such as a war like we explained last week that's why i mentioned we're going to be discussing some of the ideas we've already spoken about so you're familiar with it in chapter 20 verse one it says keep tate say we saw that before and here regarding that and hashem will place him into your hand so now we're stuck with another question he says how how is there such a promise from god god's promising us because the word he will be placed in your hand is a promise where from where do we know where how is it possible that god will promise that the the evil inclination will be placed into your hand anxious tower right away after this statement of when you go out to war and god's promising you will be put in your hand right away we have the whole subject of this beautiful woman in in war and you go through the process of taking it to your house 30 days on and on and on shallow deeper we saw rashi quote that and i think he meant well at least he seemed to say at least in this case the torah is speaking against the atara or for the sake of the interrupt i and i said i think the whole torah is but that's okay hurray onu now the problem is that the person this man still has this tuma which means a negative force a dark side impurity about him because he still has the desire for her chris lo otzer la mode he doesn't seem while he's in the field to be able to stand up against his evil inclination to stop it until sheila be office tarzan until he's finally fallen or as an obstacle by this woman how is this promise ever fulfilled that he will be placed into your hand that's what the explanation we saw in rashi arcane parish then in the end when it says he will be placed into your hands it means in the end the end of what i say that only if only if you do exactly what the torah describes right when you you gonna shave her head and make her repulsive exactly what is written afterwards what is it saying 2114 it says and if you want to see where we have it on this sheet uh number six and it will be now when it says it will be it means it will be it's like a promise and it will be if you if you do not desire her meaning well let's see the word fatsta implies past tense we're going to see this a little bit closer later he's going to go into it but rashi said we saw rashi it basically is acknowledging it's letting you know that in the end you will come to hate her in the end how's that possible god knows everything it's true that certainly your evil inclination will be handed over into your hand meaning you've conquered it and you will no longer have this lust and i told you we're gonna talk we'll call this uh titled love versus lust we're gonna actually discuss the difference what is it what why would someone come to hate her because it was lust and it wasn't love love of course can end up in in hate but lust is much more likely and i'm going to talk about it from his psychological level bizrat hashem shortly so rashi says that you will certainly come to the to be able to control you yet and and not love her you'll hate her now this again we spoke about in general but he says the main scheme the hashem had a scheme right he had an agenda in the way that it says in kohella kohel says ecclesiastes number eight on the source sheet okay it says it's better to go to house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting tob le leche el base ethel um availus now before we read anything about that i do want to mention that if you don't know about the story of amnon and tamar to go to 2nd samuel chapter 13 and read up on it because it speaks about two of the children of david okay they're not from the same mother but they are from the same father david's kids it's very interesting story read it with mafurshim so you don't get lost and confused okay what happened i'm going to just go through real quickly what happens is amnon is seemingly in love and i'm going to say because the verse says he is in love with her but it says he's in lust with her it actually says he's in lust with his sister and he feigns sickness after getting advice from a friend act like you're sick ask for her to help feed you and that's exactly what he did and then he tried to grab her and she even says what are you doing you can just marry me which apparently because she actually was a convert interestingly enough that tama was not really related in in in a halachic sense to um i'm known why because she was the daughter of a yaufus tawar david picked up in war and he impregnated her before the 30-day period okay and as a result she had to go through her own conversion so she was considered a convert a convert is katina dummy meaning unborn again and not related okay hazal the rabbis explain that even even a brother and sister who actually convert they're biologically related according to the torah are permitted to marry because they're not really related once they convert but the rabbis don't allow that to happen we discussed that this we discussed this at length in other shame i don't want to go into it now but just know that a brother and sister who convert cannot marry each other but it's from the torah it wouldn't have been a problem and therefore she basically says why are you going to rape me right just ask your father for me in marriage in the meantime he did rape her and in the end it says he hated her and this is because there's lust lust can create this this um result so i want to go through just it's a little bit on the psychological side but as a preface i remember hearing rav yokanan's why give over a shirt and discuss this very point about amnam and tamar and lust and lust is very short-lived it's usually you know it's all about taking and not necessarily about giving and therefore it's basically rooted in the dark side the the of sin and i think this is not on my own words basically i think that when you sin you you have this paranoia that creates these phobias and has some very negative effects on your psyche but in the meantime why would he hate her because once that adrenaline or physical lust has died down because that's what lust is usually shorter short term so it turns into hate even a hate that's worse than a regular lover that now is hate but the lust was never really love to begin with let me just uh clarify this with some websites from well-known psychologists and people who deal with relationships a person by the name of dawson mcallister from a website called the hope line lust literally means over desire is when you take something that is good you twist it and add cravings to it so you're consumed until you're gratified when we speak of lust as it relates to relationships with the opposite sex it can be defined this way when a person's body is far more important to you than his or her soul right can you imagine that's what's happening right it's a very physical animalistic feeling and it's not nothing to do on the spiritual level of relating and connecting to the other person on a high level and i think it's the same website he says love is the foundation our families and society are based on lust is just a physical emotion that we act upon when we get caught up in the moment however most of us fall in love with somebody we find physically attractive there's nothing wrong with that in fact that's part of hashem's plan to make us physically attractive to each other because of this hurt and confusion can easily be caused when you or your partner confuse love and lust with each other lust is an intense sexual desire appetite that is based on self-gratification and has little to do with the true feelings of the other person it sounds just just extremely selfish that's what it sounds like to me as someone once said lust is as different from love as night is from day that is because love is an act of the will covered with deeply passionate and tender affection for the other person lust wants to get it's just about receiving and we all know the root of ahava we spoke about this before is have had means to give right so the love is based on giving and the lust is based on what's in it for me here's a quote i think from the same website love can hardly wait to give lust can hardly wait to get and this is a quote from janet brito a psychologist and sex therapist love is rooted in delayed gratification right we all know i mean if you don't know you can refer to one of my other shirim on tazria right where okay let me try to phrase this in a very uh pc way if the man will do everything he can to gratify his wife and in other words hold himself back then the there's certain kind of rewards that are waiting but if he is um let's say impatient and not able to hold himself back then the the lack of getting that reward is waiting okay let me just continue to read love is rooted in delayed gratification while lust is rooted in instant pleasure lust feels like sprinting love feels like a marathon love means acceptance lust means indulgence okay i have a whole bunch of other quotes i don't want to focus too much on this i do want to say okay this is from judith orlov md she just gives about five signs of lust and five signs of love so this is important to us to know right because we have to decide if we're in the dating scene right are we we need to work on ourselves further right number one for lust you're totally focused on a person's looks and body number two you're interested in only having sex but not in having conversations three you'd rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level not discussing real feelings number four you want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning remember this is a secular website so i'm just quoting from them you are lovers but not friends that's lust what about love number one you want to spend quality time together other than sex okay it's not about the sex number two you get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing in other words you're really enjoying each other's company number three you want to honestly listen to each other's feelings make each other happy i just want you to know a big part of communication is listening it's not always about talking okay so men really have to uh women should understand that we need to be good listeners and you need to listen number three he or she motivates you to be a better person isn't that fantastic and number the last thing that she lists is you want to you want to get to meet his or her family and friends right it's not this hidden relationship that nobody should know about then that is a sign of lust but obviously you want to um you want to be part of the other person's life and that's called a sign of love okay i might as well just read only one more quote it's from a website called betterhelp.com if you're in love with somebody you will likely do your best to be upfront and honest about everything to impress the person you love and show them that you who you really are if you're only lusting after someone you focus more on self-centered and may even have a focus on sexual intimacy instead of the relationship building with unhealthy goals come unhealthy behaviors that's the line i wanted to really get to with unhealthy goals so if the goal is unhealthy then the result the um the the relationship itself will be unhealthy and so many unhealthy behaviors will come out of it and he gives a list lying or pretending to be someone you're not or exaggerating exaggerating the truth are acts that may come up quickly in a lust-filled relationship which may kill the relationship in its early stages so you're talking about killing a relationship in its early stages i see the the hint here about this hatred coming on quite soon because not hashem if the lust has died down so we just read that rashii that said which basically means scripture informs you that in the end you will hate her it's a proclamation by the scripture and we read already um if i'm not mistaken we already read in cohes ecclesiastes it's better to go to a house of morning than to go to a festival a festive house and this is what he wants to say yes we discussed this last week as well you'll remind the yatzahura of the day of your death by being sober about life you're going to a mourner's house then to a wedding now this i i just want to stress this is when everything is the same all the variables are the same it's the same second cousin right the same relationship that someone would be mad at you if you didn't go right and they were at the same time and you couldn't go to both right that's when the choice is to go to one over the other if you can go to both you go to both there's no reason not to go to the festive meal it's when you have both all the variables are the same the same type of relationship the same possibility of of you know negative feelings if you didn't come right okay then vaday azul yates by going to the house of of mourning the yhr will run away and when she's crying because she hit bacha with a belly she's going through this morning stage regarding her parents yoshi be based available it's like you're sitting in a house of a bayless you're sitting in them in the house in the morning like on a regular basis and through this yes it'll be reminding your own inclination about the day of your death this is like the solution your desire for her will be silenced it will you know go down down down down down and through this you will come to hate her because it really was lust that's what the lust would turn into this very negative feeling and as he concludes here because in your end me basically the proclamation you're you're making the proclamation that in the end you will you will hate her that's why it says in the madrish in the end hashem will cause him to be put into your hand through the process of making it like a house of mourning the next page for this very reason it's required to explain and to say what does it mean upon your enemy remember the word al didn't make sense it should say connected and we said the measure says it means connected but what does the lash and al really mean kilos you cannot really justify the word upon in a regular war now we're going to discuss two types of wars there's an internal war and an external war when it comes to an act now this is going to be very counter-intuitive there's two very uh it's going to be very counter-intuitive what do i mean by counter-intuitive you got you are you with me counter-intuitive yeah it's different from what you think normal thinking it's different than normal thinking because when a war is fought a physical war is fought in this world it's first fought in heaven and then it comes down to this world whereas the fight that we have with the evil inclination always has to start in this world and then go up you would think if it's a spiritual war it's somewhere up in heaven and the physical war is just here that's why i mean counterintuitive but let's see he says you cannot justify the word al except if we're dealing you can only explain it when we're dealing with a regular war because why a regular war actually starts in heaven it's coming down from above as he says because regular wars are fought in heaven first and look in the judges you'll find this in number nine judges chapter 5 verse 20 it says from heaven they fought minhash this is the story of of sisra and ya'af i'm not mistaken the stars from their crosses fought against sisera so where did the fight begin it started from heaven that's where it came from so what does that mean according to the clear car he says that's why it says singular will be put into your hand we're forced to say that we're talking about one of your two enemies which one is it it's the yetzer hara why listen to this aim came when it says when you go out to war against your enemies which is language of plural certainly included in this are two types of enemies if you're going out to war against your enemies there's whenever you have plural we always take the lowest denominator is that how you say it the lowest possibility two and that means an external enemy and an internal enemy and he will be put into your hand what are we referring to the yetzer hara let's see he says one of the enemies is external the hey the hey no yay panimi the the internal enemy that comes and attacks you especially the time of danger and he brings proof of this as it says we read in partial shofting last week when you go out to war against your enemy singular chapter 20 verse 1 without that extra good that's speaking about a regular physical enemy in this world last week's partial was talking about one physical enemy in this world but here since it's plural then it's referring to many enemies which we said minimum is two that includes both the internal and external that's where it says this is very interesting that one of them when it says he will be placed we're saying that the torah is telling you one of them will be put into your hand first and which one is that that is certainly that internal enemy called the it's a hurrah because this is what they should teach at west point right what i'm about to tell you this is highly classified top secret that if you want to win the external enemy you have to be able to win the internal enemy first he's i'll just read his words because if the internal enemy the yetzer hara is not placed in your hand first there's no possibility of winning that external war calls the manchester because the whole time the person is stained uh dirty with sin it's not possible that's why it's needed to explain allah remember we said al al means coming down upon your enemy as against your enemy that's how we translate it against your enemy but it really says ao because the milkhamma with the yetzera is not coming from about from above because rather man needs to be the initiator when you're fighting against your heart yet you're the one that finishes it i'm sorry you're the one who starts it but who finishes it hashem you must be the beginner and hashem will finish it off what happens when the regular war takes place hashem begins it and you finish it off so listen to this that's why it says in the end hashem will place him into your hand self means only after everything you did you went through the whole scheme you did all that it says in order to be victorious and the uh against islam hashem will send you all the assistance you need at the end you all that god requires of you right everything is in the hand of god except for your shaman this is up to you when it comes to a regular word however everything works in the opposite direction because because even before you have prepared your own heart to go out to the war we're talking about the physical war kevor that war has already taken place in heaven the atah gomer you're just finishing it off kadeshi tsukari al-shimeka which we'll talk about a little bit later in order for the war always the victor the name of the word is after the victor so god wants the name of the word to be called by your name we'll talk about shortly but all he says here is in order that it will be called by your name that's you finish it off like when you have help from hashem in the end um it's thank thanks to hashem baruch hashem right that's how we feel when we overcome the next paragraph when you go out to war what does it mean say what is the word when you go out right we already expressed it as possibly the um optional word when you're going out of the land of israel he's going to explain a little bit differently it's also very metaphysical javi leila maymar it should have used the word right if you wanted to use a correct word the more correct word it should have said or to we mean when you go out to war say when you go to war or when you fight a war right wouldn't that make more sense we mean you go out to war so also what does it mean to the war it says shouldn't it said to fight as opposed to you just going out to the war when you go out to fight shouldn't it say boy so he's going to explain the word the fact you're going out to the war infers that you're not going there to fight you're just going there to watch what does that mean but only in order to see the war when you're going out to you're going to the airport oh you're going to watch planes you're going to fly right why are you going to the war you're going to fight you're going there to watch so that's the first statement the next statement is right it says upon your enemy we already discussed the word against your enemy it should have said this is these are all questions and you capture its captive that's captive it's a double language it's very confusing hear the hebrew the shavita shivya it's the same word captured its captive it's the same word it's double language why even though we tell us that it's coming to include the kananim who were captured earlier on by the enemies you're going against that's what we discussed already in rashi the kamikaze so what it should have said anyway was the shavita chevy captured a captive what does it mean captured its or his captive shiv yo why do i have to know it was his captive what does that teach me so now he begins with the answers he's going to answer this in two very distinctly different ways the first kederik shapiro rambam partial set we saw in chapter 23 we didn't see it yet but in chapter 23 verse 10 we saw last week we discussed it when your camp goes out upon your enemies it says the nismarta the nishmar to me you shall guard against anything evil what does that mean diborah uh lash and hara what is lashan hara do it actually creates not just pandemonium it creates animosity within your own army when i say la shanhara i don't mean just evil speech but everything that comes with it hatred uh lack of trust right you expect the person who you're fighting with next to each other not fighting against to have your back but if he doesn't like you perhaps he'll just turn a blind eye whatever it is lush and hara can be very damaging so in other words when you're in war when your company your camp goes out to war make sure there's no russian hara in order that there's not no much locus no arguments the yiku bay nehem yocha min because what would happen if you had animosity for each other that would be a worse hit right that would be a worse a wound that would be more tragic than whatever the enemy wants to do to you zed this is absolutely clear because she ain't shalom when you don't have peace amongst the fighters then it's basically your one over or you lose right you're going to lose victory um like what happened during the second temple with the elite we say that the leaders eventually trickled down the the lash and hara the evil the sinashinum happened during the second temple that's why it says when you go out what is language of going out language of yitsiya means to exit means to go beyond right so this excludes a type of a war that happens within a city if you're going out it's outside of your environment it's outside your city so when you go out to war he says when you go out from your city your hands your hands are going towards war you're they're stretched out towards the war but within the city what should it be there should be peace amongst everyone in there and allah in other words this command not when you go out to war right there shouldn't be anything evil make sure that there's peace within your within your family within your city within your a company company say you're going to the war you go out lo it's not from the war but it's to the war specifically upon your enemy you go out the low but you're not going out to war against your lover your neighbor your the people who are like you you're going out against the enemy and then it says the shavita shivyo that you captured its captive we're talking about the enemy the enemy shivyo its captive is the enemy shalot let's you should never look forward you should never attempt and desire to trap your own friend in your your traps right you don't want to harm your own family your own people this is the most damaging thing that can happen in a war when you are um playing these it could be baby games or worse right serious uh hatred the amet call ela tasseth you do everything you're supposed to do here az then hashem will place the enemy into your hand the zulat zeb but not if you do this right if you have animosity within the camp within the uh amongst the fighters it's not going to be helpful it'll be damaging that's the first way he explains it the second one is that this is a scheme right it's coming this will it's coming to um negate the opinion the the force of the yetzer of your which entices you that's what it does it tries to seduce you hello if you look in deuteronomy chapter 8 verse 17 it's a paraphrase this is what god warns us not to do do not go out and think all of your successes is due to you especially in war but any other time chapter 8 verse 17 in deuteronomy and you will say to yourself my strength and the might of my hand that has accumulated all this wealth for me look at what he's saying he's saying [Music] this is what the atar wants you to say that it's i i brought her you know i captured her you know why because i'm a hero i'm a keyboard i'm a mighty i'm the mighty warrior i captured her right like in the movies uh you know uh the caveman you grab her by the hair and you have this bat like whoever it is whatever army fought against its enemy it was because of my might and my strength that is the worst right so this is what he says you might say that i captured her because of my might the neck nasty basically i'm the one who entered a very precarious and dangerous situation i came out alive i came out with wealth i you know took this booty and that booty and i took her this is the wrong thing this is a mistake the lame shemelai call it malalum and you might even think to yourself why would hashem ask me to put like all these conditions again it was all because of me i'm free man i'm healthcare right i'm not bound to anything of god no the opposite but that's what someone who thinks it's all them they put themselves in place of god so what are all these conditions i'm not going to follow any of them it's a mistake akin low that's why you should actually first say to your own yates aura this is what you have to say to your evil inclination you are a liar and the claim you're making is not true kilobach it's not because of my own strength that i won this war that i took this captive rak it's only because of what um what was you i was able to take possession it was because hashem o t t rash because it was hashem that allowed me to take possession of it the anata lochen you are not the fighter you're not actually doing the battle rock it's only when you go out from your house to see the war i share mine but it's only what took place already in the heavens way before you even made up your mind to go out to the war the war was already fought amongst the administering angels in heaven in their circuits as we mentioned in judges chapter 5 verse 20. and now we understand what it says you're going out to the war to that war that was already begun that's what it means you're going out to the war to that war that had already been begun upon but not against them literally because hashem already threw upon them arrows and spears the shavita shivyo and you captured its captive whose of gods because god had captured them they had already been captured in the war the yankees hashem hashem but piccola aritz but god wants you who i'm talking to jewish people but i'm talking to anybody who's following these instructions the victor of the war the name will be called of the war after you the victor and that's what god wants because his desire is to make you a glorious name in this world that the name of the war will be called upon your name that's why it says hashem will place him in your hand because then it'll appear in the nation's eyes though let them think you're not allowed to think that it was you let them think it was you it's okay wow the israeli people are something special right everyone wants to learn krav maga everyone wants to learn the secrets of the mossad everyone's interested in you know how i think west point they they did a whole course in the six six day war i think that they even said it was it's beyond logic right it was beyond but at least they took it seriously enough to study it they want to share whatever they could have found with the cadets wherever they're trying to teach but in the end that it would appear to all the nations as if it was your hand that did all this and destroyed the other people of allah met but the truth is that's not what happened hashem it was the hand of hashem who did all this um because of his honor to you god's honor to you he placed them into your hands and you will get the credit but you must give the credit where it is truly due okay now cha verse 11 says you will see among its captives a woman the rita meshivia right so what is the what is the shivya what is the word and you will see among its captivity a woman what does it mean among its captivity kimali what in the world is a woman doing in the middle of a war [Music] vaday la shames news news means for not positive purposes uh possibly prostitution that's why she came to the wars for the front lines al-qaeda therefore it would be logical remember these are the righteous people and the jewish people who are going out to war so any righteous you know fighter would be repulsed by this and we know that in what verse is it in psalms 125 verse 3 kilo yenua taresha al gore el zadikim for the rod of wickedness shall not rest upon the lot of the righteous so that the righteous shall not stretch their hands into iniquity however what if the yatara is so strong and seduces you nevertheless what happens is you end up still desiring her then you should take her as a wife what does it mean in hebrew isha you shall take her for you as a wife the word for you is totally extraneous it's it's superfluous the word includes the 22a that the word tells you that you may not take more than one and you can't take for anybody but yourself if you saw a beautiful woman if you decide to take one you take one for yourself you can't say oh my poor son he's 18 years old he's not married yet we need to get married so i'll bring this non-jewish woman home or my grandfather his wife passed and he's an old man and he would like a present coming back from the war no lo you can even answer this explain this according to the simple shot that it's going to be good for you as a wife but not for your seed meaning it's not healthy it's actually not good ellis whatever whatever benefit is going to come out of this it's only going to come for you but not for your seed well um but for your progeny for your seed it's going to be damaging it's adaraba there's no benefit at all a dover mazda in fact it's going to cause damage kila sofia khamenei benevolo malia that in the end whatever is going to come from her is going to be a child who is not going to be a healthy character wise it's not it's not going to benefit anybody not the world in fact that's what we said earlier the wayward rebellious sun seems to be a result of this and this is the introduction to the idea that the sun god forbid would not be beneficial to the world okay verse 12 you bring her right you shall bring her into the midst of your house so el within the house so the clear car explains within a room in other words not on your porch and not in your direct living room where you the first room you walk into and why is that why is that she's not there because you basically you're covering your shame you're covering your own eyes from the shame because this is not a positive thing that you took this woman right you took it because of lust and yet you go through this whole motion in order to get rid of you yet so what are you going to do put up a big sign welcome home from the war and look who i'm bringing with me and march into town with your non-jewish uh uh cap cat what do you call it captives uh women you know obviously if it was a whole troop of men you're gonna that's a whole different story here you're talking about this one woman that you had this lust for that you're walking through town waving your banners welcome home from the war this is not going to be in your front living room it's going to be inside of another room because you don't want to share that shame with with all your friends and and family okay then the verse says and you shave her head and you allow her her her fingernails to grow long so the ramban explains this is all idea of a veilus a veilus again is mourning and it's the icker it's the whole scheme in order that she will be that he will be the the man will be in a base of el he will be in this um this house of mourning the israel yoma misas we said over and over again it's in order to create this atmosphere of the house of mourning like we said in ghazal in in kadusan chapter page 40a now this is interesting because it gives you really a list of things to do to overcome your yitzhara but what happens as a last resort you cannot overcome yatsuhara it suggests yilbo with atev leave the city but before you leave the city to sin dress up in black right so to get dressed up in black because black is what you wear as a mourner in fact many of the ultra orthodox are wearing black today because we're in a state of mourning a constituted more we have no temple and we hope to god that pizrant hashem we should and by the way on shabbos afternoon i wear only white because you're not supposed to mourn on shabbos but anyway that's another story so anyway so so to dress up in black hopefully that would bring you to the state of mourning as the clear car says yitzro that perhaps that would bring you to the point where the yazar would run away because you're remembering your state of availus by dressing up in black so he says there if all these go through every process and it still was not removed and guess what happens you're standing in your desire for her as then what is the verse says it says thereafter you may come to her and live with her as a you can come to her and live with her she will be to you a woman you a wife the word this is a very interesting idea because you're both in a state of lust basically she came out for nefarious reasons she was like a prostitute or there to seduce you you're also in a state of lust so guess what you both deserve each other if that's going to be what it is then that's what you do you deserve each other kika moha kamoja you basically uh as two birds of a feather flock together and that's how he ends we just have a small paragraph left that i want to try to accomplish and it says in verse 14 the hoya now haya is past tense the love makes it future tense and if this is what he said it will be that if you do not desire her what's the that word is certainly that's future tense or past tense past tense isn't it it's past tense and it will be like a sure thing that you will not past tense desire her as rash remember rashi says this explains that in the end you will hate her it makes it so much clearer now that this is a proclamation that in the annual hater because the word some say it's teaching as a vadai it certainly will be therefore according to our way nigsar this idea it's basically decreed vanda milos that remember the scheme for us is to remember the day of our death then certainly absolutely certainly the yitzhara will run away vasma mela then as a result to say then will die down or stop your desire for her that's how he ends that but he says quran it makes sense to say the duke of rashid the way the rashi explains the word means you it's it's a russian of arts past tense you desired her here were told that you did not desire her but it's okay it's lush and avar past tense ki haila loma because what he should have said was what the pasik should have said was ba if you no longer will you know desire her but it's past tense it's not future tense see hear the language you will desire her if it will not be that you will desire but doesn't say that it says it will be that you will no longer pass tense desire but if it said talk post that would be lahaba future tense but it doesn't say that everything is known before hashem and thusly it will be dome it's similar as if what had that as if that already happened earlier there that's why it says to beau if you do not desire her past tense last we're we're in the the end zone here itake no le farish lotion it's very possible to explain the language of hoya what is the again is it means it refers that it will be as is and will not change the language was turned into will be it covers all bases was and ill will be is non-changeable through this the pasik is saying it proclaims it's making a proclamation meaning it began to be placed upon you right you began to hate her yellow that's the way it will always be you hate her now you're going to hate her later below me you're not going to change from hating her to loving her once you hate her that's it visesha and that's what it means in the end you will hate her because it already started now and this is coming from hashem shalom the invasion meaning not to mix up it could be jews and gentiles it could be here in vegen is referring to the the the fruit of the grapevine with the fruit or if there are berries that come on a tree the meals and this is very clear uh language dick duke from the words the highest we explained is it's it's it resolves also the language if now if is moira al-hassaf if i say the word if you all agree it means maybe but vahaya means that it's absolutely sure and that's how he ends according to this this is a good resolution for everything and i hope you enjoyed this this was a a little bit longer i'm not apologizing i'm just stating a fact this was a little bit longer than usual i highly suggest that anybody that wants to follow the hebrew take advantage on our website i do have the original hebrew so that you could learn and follow it and i strongly suggest so so that one day because hashem not only can you learn on your own but you'll be teaching as well and with that i want to wish everyone a great a great life shabbat shalom hodushta we just experienced rosh chodesh a few days ago and guess what rosh hashanah is coming up so shana tovah and you should have a blessed year call tooth see you next week [Music] here