Male/Female Dynamics in Relationships: Kabbalistic approach by Rabbi Avraham Kilstein

[Music] all right so thank you very much today faster I really appreciate the irritation to be here it's very um it's very exciting so exciting I didn't make the connection that the reason why I'm speaking about my services because that's that's how we met so uh so it's very uh we very much appreciate the being here I appreciate everything you do here it's given at today varsham it's the missing amazing of other amazing projects you do so we're talking about we're talking about relationships were talking about we're talking about probably the most the most important thing that we could do we couldn't bit investing in and the probably the reason why the reason why a lot of people don't succeed in the marriages is because they don't spend enough time they don't spend enough thought to think the things they're going to just happen by themselves and they don't this is something that I need to work on this is something that needs thought and if you just hope things are course is going to work out by themselves so then defines the unfortunate reality that things don't work out that themselves and as somebody once put it that it's it's ridiculous that to get a driver's license you need 40 hours of studying but to get a marriage license so you don't need any hours of studying this is something that that certainly requires thoughts and fighting and with a little bit of planning so then it's really uh it's really on the way to success that certainly in marriage and relationships so just being present so just showing up just showing up with understanding but there's some things I want to work on and the mere fact that anybody became to this class that's that itself means that you're interested in thinking about this is something that you're interested in working on something that did you understand this is something that's not gonna come by itself that's why it's interesting to learn about interesting to to improve interesting getting tools and it's a it's really it's a life it's a life goal it's not something that you it's not something that you you from ever put in your packet and the more you get into relationships the more you learn about visions the more you understand that you haven't you haven't begun to understand and so it's really it's really it's a constant struggle a constant mission how could I understand more about what I'm trying to do so I wanted to try to for tonight I wanted to try to bring from some some some different ideas that we find the name of of class is a Kabbalistic approach to the depth of the dynamics of marriage and different stages that we can and we look at that based on the prototype data sham plots for for marriage certainly looking at the the first couple that hampered its the world of the Makabe that we bless thunderclap Oh we said that we bless every we bless every couple that should have happiness just America gets their complicated macadam that that was the best marriage do we look about that we do we look at we're trying to imitate so the I think the first thing that we find when when the Torah tells us about the story of the marriage about muhabba is if interestingly that when we find I don't have us so they're in a situation that it wasn't possible for them to be made and that is because that they were actually stuck together that the way that a sham created man is a higher than a k-map around the question Amadou the tells us that when a chef created man so there was actually that issue you show were together and afterwards so that shot decided to separate them and that I said lot of okay I'll tell militant I said well is a connector it's not good they should be just one thing together that's why I think it's better that they should separate that they should be connectome there should be opposite them and that is going to bring him to a state of tough con spirito states goodness so the obvious question we have to ask is that what was nice I'm thinking that Hashem is perfect her son does everything that if he understood afterwards that a lot of me out of a job it's not worth it it's not wise for them to be one so what was he thinking that he made the one so there's a very deep at the over here that is very very important for anybody who is who's in relationship anybody whose wants to be in relationship and that is the Vitara is telling us over here that before a person is ready to have in other in their lives so they need to know how to live by a live at live at by themselves that lot okay Adam ever done that it's not the end result is not to be live at all but you wouldn't have been able to have a successful relationship if you wouldn't have been able to be Nevada if you wouldn't have been able to be by yourself before that relationship this isn't something that a lot of people over local that they don't realize that before I'm ready to to give myself in to a relationship to commit myself to a relationship so it's important that I have my liver done so what what is mine what is this about though that means it means numerous things that number one it means that I need to have a certain amount of emotional autonomy it needs to be that I'm not dependent on anybody else this is a very common problem people especially with people with low self-esteem that they're dependent that they don't feel that they're they have a self-worth they don't realise themselves that I brought something that's what they're always the craving the the fact other people give them attention the craving the fact that people gave them validation that they don't feel that they actually have there are legitimate people they don't have the right to exist and lastly hear it from other people and this is these the kind people that are always interested in whatever be really what everybody's talking about saying about them now there's uh there's a joke that the guy said that when I was that when it that's when I was 20 so I was very I was always very self-conscious what are people talking about me what are they saying about thing I want to make sure that I'm gonna fit myself to to meet the way that they're going to that I'm going to find favor and not otherwise then when I got to the age of 40 I said you know what I don't care good in their face I don't care what you say they could talk they could tell how they want yeah I'm into whatever I want then when I got to the age of 16 then I realized that you know it's mistake nobody's talking about me nobody cares it's all a big it's all my minds yeah because it really is then that's what that when a person reaches a certain maturity he realizes that nobody really cares like what do you think that whatever what other people think about you whether whether or not you think that they like you whether thinking Wowi he does his own thing nobody really cares that what I'm doing is because this is the way I want to live my life and what other people say that it's a rather obviously a person can't get in fights with people but the faculty I'm judging myself based on how other people are going to going to react so that means I really don't have a sense of self that means they're really that I'm missing something very integral very basic and my the way they look at myself a person doesn't the person that is doesn't look it doesn't realized I haven't heard worth that I am somebody so he's not ready to get married because he's going to be desperate there's a person who was desperate person doesn't realize that I have that I have a I am something so then he's that he's needs this relationship in order to be something so then that leads them to a place that his vessel and it's not so good to be cuspid why doesn't have to go through the rest of it so first of all because the person who's that bit is ugly it's very ugly to be desperate the people that I see the sometimes the people that people that are like on to come to my house for shadows for the for the specific purpose of looking for a girl and like they aren't even interested in that experience they're just it's like is it it's I want so the guy that he was like that he like he literally like he was like like reading his book he didn't want to talk to anybody was just like scouting out and says it's it's ugly it's not a person when a person is when you're desperate to you through your one-track mind what I need right now is to is to is I need the this to find my my mate I need to find my my spouse then I need this I need this without this that I am that I am nothing so then you're you're ugly you don't it doesn't it doesn't come off it doesn't it's not very attractive and you're not going to get you're not going to get the things you need the second reason why it's so dangerous because besides the fact that is impractical because it's ugly it is because it brings a person to a situation that is going to settle for the things that really don't satisfy him but if you don't realize that what you really are then you won't be able to really understand what you really mean this really brings us to the second part of what it means to have a love that and that is and that is to understand like what I'm all about okay to understand to understand your to understand your the things that are important to me meaning that a person everybody that before it clear before they're in relationship if you're on ships - it's never too late that you have to make you want to have things some something's like hopefully there's something there's something that's important to you something that you have a list of things that this is these are my these are the values that are important to me in life if you don't have them then like there's something extremely extremely missing like those months ago that that she can't me and he said that and she said that you know I just met this point and that he he we did we had some issues like I said like I I like this community and like that community and she said but you know what it's not so important that I'll do whatever you want I'll dress with it I'll have whatever color keeper you want it doesn't really make a difference to me and and like she was so like she was so flattered that wow I'm so I'm so important to have that he's even willing to to change to leave everything to leave this family as and but I don't know that you know it could be it's nice but if he's such a wishy-washy percent you know he's been doing something for for who knows how many years and because of you so he's going to switch so doesn't that mean that like his values are so strong and he doesn't really have a personality that doesn't really have things that he believes in that if everything in his life he's fangs yeah I'll switch it I'll do whatever you want stem really means there's nothing so if he's really nothing you want to right you want to marry or nothing you want to marry nobody so sorry but that we do have things that are important for us now I don't I don't mean to say the work I'll keep you where is something important this very often that's really not something important but there are things there are things that are very important and these are things that spreads know like what things were going to compromise on what things we're not going to compromise on things like things like understanding what kind of physical life I need one kind of how much how much money do I need a card whining am I going to be happy with a very very frugal life all right and I I come from LA and this is just not gonna work for me that I like these are things I need the president doesn't sit down to think the what are the things on my list so then they go on to do missing out they're going to have they're going to suffer because you don't realize what are the things that need things like things like how religious am i I think this is like is that happens all the time I said say what kind of how love Oh what's the level of religiosity of the of your are you looking for like this one asked when I do a night when I don't know the person said well apparel is just yeah so so you know I'm survivor they could be they could be like I'm great with a dusty I'm great with it whatever that's that's okay so that always means the same thing that means that religion does matter today right there's no such thing as I'm Sababa if you're survivor with anything that means that you have nothing that means that you are not connected to how religious you right that that that if you don't understand where you are if you don't appreciate that these are things these are these are things that I'm not willing to to I'm not willing to compromise them things like do I want to live in Israel maybe some people that that that I'll just go the flow that means it doesn't mean something to you if you're a person that being in Israel is something extremely important to you you never thought so then you might very well suffer when you realize that you didn't think about that thing he didn't make this list that who am i what am i versus what am i values and you're gonna end up some some relationship with somebody that that we never think of living in as well so then that's going to be a game record the same is true in terms of in terms of the terms of values that everybody it's important that you have some list of values there's some things which are parts you pens if you don't have anything which important you so get something which is a pregnancy or that in terms of like what are the character traits whether the good Meadows that I want to build in my life that this is something that that I want to have in my life and if these things won't be in my life that I'm going to feel something's missing that if we don't have if we don't have this this clear understanding of what are the things what are the energies what are the meter what are the what are the pieces of kedusha that want to have in my home so then it's going to be it's going to be a disaster when I when I meet somebody I'm going to just be blinded by all the wrong things and I'm going to wake up one day and say what about done at some point that before I have before I have a relationship before Hashem created cava so it was important that there should be other that should be out and this is something that everybody needs to have two very very clear that I have sometimes that we it's something that sometimes it wears off something so we have we have times that we have this very very clear sense of live at and you don't have a very clear sense of the path that sometimes you just something that we can work on that something that sometimes we which is we feel antsy for some reason that I remember once that I had I was I had this like a very very long exciting Friday night meal and and like it was a tremendous social interaction and then after two and half hours of having to meet all then all the guests left and then we had no shoppers for the Muslim era guys and another two hours of tremendous excitement and it was like like 12:30 and I was I didn't want to go to sleep so I said okay I got the cotton and and I was walking to the console and I was thinking my stuff you know I'm dying to me somebody I would love to meet something in the street that I know I just I feel so so alone I just so so so lonely just I need to just say how about to tell me that now and I thought that you know so weird why am I feeling like this why why they I was just I was just me having this I had a great a great Friday night and every way and like why why do I need to meet somebody nice that yeah that I mean I lost my sense of my limit and love I'd lost Mike in a world I lost my sense of self it's a very it's a dangerous thing to lose so battle sham by the time I got to the cantos that I was able to Devon and the deafening I was able to rebuild this inner world that's why it's important for a person to have his places in his life the gap is live at that you have times that that if it's Fela if it's learning that there's no such thing as having an entire life of being together you have to always have this time for that time to give yourself energy for Who I am to think about what I'm looking for and only from that to go out to the to the other way shut before the creation before the splint before the split of atom haven't been to so Hashem specifically made them one because you have to have I love that before you have a together and there was no such thing there was there was one was there why the organism there one being and he was okay they were okay they weren't that they were they weren't missing anything is there was nothing to miss - I've said that no that's not good enough yeah it's not good enough but it's an important step okay so that the next the next step next step is that obviously that Hashem decided that we should be that we should be listening we should be separate and part of this separation is the is the necessity to to look for look for our other for our other side so after this whole introduction of that we understand that we have that we have a good start that we are something that has inherent Worth and nevertheless nevertheless there is something that we're missing so over here over here that there's a very that there's a very clear there's a great leeway that the kabbalah tells us that what with the different energies in other energies and I understand you dance we can understand a little bit dad what are the things that bring us together what are the things that - Lamont what are the things they're being the were completing each other what are the things were looking for the there's an interesting idea that that we know that that women say there's two different in there in the burqa - aha so so the men say Lausanne Isha do you think Michonne for not making the one and women say Bravo shiny coat so now that they did Thank You chef for creating creating them like his will their kids and I was like as well so there are those that I misunderstand that like it's like like like thank you for doing like whatever you deem fit was like like thanks for nothing like if only like I realized I can't yell at you for making me a woman but but thanks for doing what you needed to do so the more the merrier explains that obviously this is that's not what it's not what their what the thing for what does it mean why is a wise woman thinking of SRAM stress I think it's enough Merrill explains that the that there's a difference inherently between the soul of a man in the style of a woman and specifically that Hashem so he all of their souls he keeps them in heaven he keeps doing divider very high spiritual realms advice in the high spiritual places and he brings this all down and it comes down into this world so on the way down so it actually actually goes through a very big transformation that used to be in a very high spiritual person now comes down to a much lower price now they're all explains that there's a difference between how low in the soul of a man goes and how low the solid one goes meaning that that that the soul of a woman actually stays it remains closer to the source remains closer to the way it was in its very very high spiritual place whereas the where's the net gets much much further down okay meaning that that the a man so he has to struggle by the fact that his soul is more connected to the physical realm and the woman has disturbing us and that's that's a fact that this is a that if you go to if you go to most classes and spirituality certainly go to ashrams in India then you'll see that the vast majority is women I read somewhere that that in conversion so that 90% 90% of the conrad's are women that it's a it's a known fact that women are more spiritual than man these kids are known then we're gonna thanking our I'm sure sending kids are not the way they appreciate the fact that their existence is closer to it's closer to the completion it's closer to their got some to the read sound ocean and so this is really the the secret of the attraction between between men and women is that the that the men looks at the woman as being this perfect this perfect being as the kids are now and and he was the he's a chapter to the protection he knows that he is very very down and he's looking up and he wanted he looks it he looks at his wife his wife-to-be and he looks at her as being the perfection and that's what he appreciates in her and that's the reason why he's why he's attracted to women is because he's attracted attracted to perfection that he realizes that he enjoys the faculty that he is on the way appreciating practice on the way the Atlanta struggles and he appreciates the fact that that she's there that she has this is obviously this is symbolized by the Minister of Britain you know my vigil is - M gives a certain imperfection in mankind he tells us that has that he could the guys that I didn't make a perfect world that it's your job to take this imperfect world and to perfect it and that is the that is the midst of everything that is that chef is telling us that I left something out I made this baby almost perfect and it's your job to bring it all the way okay that's the and that is specifically obviously by men but the reason why Shem doesn't give the myths are bringing it out to women it's because they're there because they're already perfect so this is the this is this is that this is am something wishes which is very much very important for both sides to them this is this is the secret of attraction the secret of attraction of a man to a woman is that she looks at the perfection he says well that's exactly that's exactly what I've always aiming for us whatever it's women go this and the man the woman looks the man and why she attracted to men because she needs somebody who's going to appreciate that in her she needs somebody who's going to to realize how perfect she is so this is a very important ramifications for that there's always exceptions your honor this has such ramifications on both sides that on the side of on the side of the man so this is why it's so critical it's so critical for husbands to be very careful about criticizing their wives because the whole reason why she was attracted to him the first place was because she needs somebody who's going to look at him and look at look at her as being perfect and anything that he's going to say that you know you don't do that right so then that's going to rock the boat and how perfect he thinks she is so that's why as a rule and right it's also it's also important for me not to criticize men that's for a different reason but but just at this point so the message as a role for as a real for criticism so you never say never see never say that that is wrong don't you doing that wrong that why do you do that that the only way to give criticism is to talk about yourself let's to say that this is the way it makes me feel when you do this when if this is it it's not by yourself that's okay that you're looking you're not saying anything you're not saying you're not putting the other person down you're not saying that I look at you as being imperfect it's my problem I just have this issue that when you do this when you say that so then it makes me feel like that but but from the from the perspective of the women so she needs always to feel that the husband is looking up to her that she appreciates that he appreciates her perfection outside of the women so this is a what is it no cry from the woman I see requires a woman to try to be perfect right this is the this is the it's that it's that the fact that the fact that that she that he is always looking up to her she looked today he was a chapter because he saw this element of perfection and when when will impress yourself put yourself down in her husband in front of announcements so it doesn't look good that's something like it's there's some girls that they they think they think that's very it's very humble it's very they think it's cute to to make fun of themselves it's not that your husband wants you to be fulfilled husband wants you to what he wants to look up to you and that's the way it should be it's like it's always a bad idea to put your thoughts on the table it's never never wise on either side especially bad for the wife to prefer to put her faults out on the table because the homies might he was rejected to us because he looks at because he because he he looked at her as being something that is there's perfect or a little bit a little bit perfect as that's the the really distribute to the attraction the attraction of the husband to the way so is that is that that is the first thing that the first that the difference between the difference between this breakup that this great song this multifaceted self with that used to be one and he was separated so so show specifically broke broke it up into two and he said that that that I want this to be that there's this attraction that's a Schaeffer and each one has the different thing that they're attracted to now part of the reason why shun made that there should be the separation with this Shifa with this yearning is because that part of the complete connection requires this Shiva or in other words because but there's different levels of the reality that the Kabbalah gives for us that it starts part of some place called captain and it ends by place called muffled okay the highest of the capitalist and last is the math would that the captor is is the place where everything is in the is in in the theoretical everything is the everything is in this kernel that it's waiting to be and the methought is where it actually actualizes itself so the husband the man the atom so he represents the katha and whoever represents the my foot and the these are these two things so they're always yearning for each other that the potential yearns for the actualization and the accusation needs somebody to give them attention so this is really the deeper understanding when we're talking about the woman being the final product like the finished product the perfection that's what you mean that she represents that at the end of the story there are thoughts that that's how it's going to though whereas the man he represents the kepta which is the potential and and his yearning is for that his his learning is for the actualization and the actualization so she's yearning for the one who's going to look at her and realize and give her the ability to be the perfection of something there's another there's another facet of this of this separation between the katha and the novel and that is the that is the a different spin and relieve the dynamics between the way that the Mayans work the way that the minds of a woman at the mind the mind of a man works that what makes them tick the way the way that the different and and before we continue so just the mere fact that we have an understanding that men's souls and women's souls are different things so that itself is the greatest piece of knowledge that we can really have you know without getting into that how they're different Damir instead like that that they're completely different status stuff is the greatest now is do we could have that is really the the real key the real key to to a successful marriage to a successful relationship is really not necessarily to understand that oh yeah I read that yeah that's the way women are that's the way men I now know I said you don't need to understand anything you just need to understand that you don't understand you just need to understand that whatever however I look at life that's only at best it's not it's very far from half of the way it's look at them but and best it's half of the way that I look at any particular so there is the thing that that I don't know everything and I don't know the perfect way to do everything and the things that I think I write aren't necessarily right through just my particular observations they're my particular preferences that is the biggest secrets to marriage um meaning that that the most necessary tool that we need to have for relationships is the ability to understand that there's more of a they want to do them to do something so that it's very nice like this that you can tell you you can tell a lot of times that a person that a person that walks into the box into the room and decides that the windows need to be open at the window needs to be closed so you sometimes you can tell that this person is not married that that soon understanding that you know it's very nice that I think it's very cold but maybe there's other people that feel different things that could be at least I should ask right so Sam's like truth is that once I saw the person I was like this and I know that he is married and I feel very bad for his life but but the most necessary thing in marriage is to understand that you know the people are different and there is no absolute truth the fact that I think that this is absolute truth just means that that is one half of the possible ways of looking at something this is the absolutely most important thing a person that person that just self-centered this is self-centered so he is that he's not ready to be married a person like read about somebody was in that it was in the cab and there was and the cab driver was complaining about the about the speed bumps and and so the person was in the car so it was it was complaining it was it was saying that I can't stand these two peoples every two seconds I have to slow down and so she told him that he you know you know there is my best to advances because there's kids over here and there's this hundreds of kids riding in the street and they're happy hats accidents recently so that's why they put in these pigments so so he said so he said said come on but you know this is Street we need to hurry answer so she said so like seriously you like you really think that your fact that you have to hurry is more apartment Thunder and the safety of the children and he said say okay if you want to take it that far so so we should go back to horse and buggy right no this is the way things are you know we need to have Christ and so that is a person there was like completely unable to look over to overlook that they're all passed on it's like the person is complete ego as the person who is really he's perfected the art of being the vet the perfected the art of just having my own personal rod and that we shouldn't opposite problem the the person we had the first person that had no sense of self and the person had no sense of self so he's not ready to get married because who wants to bury to marry nobody at then you have a person he's so full of himself that he's that he has no room in his life for somebody else that my entire existence is my desires and my goals and I'm not willing to understand not willing to appreciate the fact that there's more to life than the way I see things and this is this is the greatest way that we bring the Tsarina into our homes that says it says finish huibin am that there was when say there's once a very a very holy rabbi named driving now from and he was driving to car so he was he wants to he was once it was interviewed interviewed by some might be some journalist and he says and he says it says I have a scoop for you yeah ever you ever got a picture of God so yes I laughing good so he was he was hanging there next to his wife so he said here okay take a picture so they named that each Reshevsky no sir have been am that between that between the issue Isha that's where the screen eyes and anthem serious that with the Sheena is specifically found in the place in this middle ground between the fact that we'd have different ways of looking at the world different ways of how the how to clean the how to clean the house Heather got application and do anything the fact that we have different ways of looking at something and wherever to to appreciate the good in the other side so this is really the secret to the screen because Rina screen is obviously we're talking about being got into a into a house so God is the infinite is the realm of the of the ain't stuff it's one of the themes we have right now Hanukkah as the eight it's the beyond then we'll try to bring the beyond into our house so how do you bring the beyond have you bring Hashem how do you bring the kedusha into you have you bring something which can't be contained into your home that at the moment that you realize that there's more than I understand that it's show that in my eyes is completely scientific that this is the way to do something that when I realize that it's true today we like that this is a hundred percent true but I realized that there's more to life than my entire present the my hundred percent so that's when you bring the infinite because in the infinite so then there's actually room for contradictions that it could be that one thing is a percent show and the other thing does not represent show that's only problem in the finite world but in the internet world then you can have two things which are completely contradictory and they're living together and that is the way that the person brings the infinite into his home by understanding this but take a step back by realizing that it's sure that I'm a hundred percent sure about this but to understand that that's only my way of learning new things every think there's much more to it than that so to really to understand that my entire way of looking at life is really confined it's really limited that that is really how you bring the that is how you bring the screen not into your arm this is why this is why this is a very important well when the one of the most important one of the most important tools in in relationships is as friends is first of all how to have conversations is how to and how to make compromises hey we're talking about having differences of opinion so we talked about we said before the sometimes that these things these are not wise to compromise that you shouldn't compromise on how religious you want to be you shouldn't compromise on if you want I shouldn't compromise and I things which are really really critical to you but but there's a lot of there's a lot of room for a lot of room that there is room for compromise too so you can have compromises about whether or not you should open the window at night you should have compromises about about where you want to go for a trip if you can have para- about how to spend money these are things that there is there is lots of room for compromise and what's beautiful about a compromise is is that exactly this that you have these two different opinions and the and when you have a compromise you're saying you know that I really think I'm really positive about whether the way I think and but I respect the fact that you're really passive about what you think and I see the good in what you're saying and you see the good in what I'm saying and based on that that mutual understanding that there is beauty and there is truth in each other's opinions even though it could be that we don't really see it but we believe it's there that's really enough that's based on that belief that understanding so then you come to bring something together and that is that where you bring the infinite center you have these two understandings that I know that I'm sure myself but at the same time I know that there's much less than that which bringeth when you bring both goodnesses and that's really how you bring the infinite that's how you bring the screen so a person that person that doesn't respect himself there's other people that are really pushovers and their secrets to to differences of opinion they're a signature they're tool in not having confrontations is to give it it's a very interesting it's a very dangerous thing to always give it because when you're giving it so first of all it's the first of all you becoming a nothing you're becoming a nobody and you're not you get you're not giving yourself you're not respecting yourself that's making the first path that's having the first problem and the second problem is that you're not building a saying you have this opportunity to do something amazing you have this opportunity to bring something amazing into your marriage into relationship of understanding that it's true that what I understand is correct but I also believe that there's much worth of that and you're giving up an amazing opportunity so so first of all if you don't if you don't appreciate what you're up to it's going to backfire it's going to you're eventually going to what you're about eventually going to to resent to resent your spouse because you because nobody really doesn't care about anything and more importantly that the fact you're going to resent her at the end so it's going to bring it to it's going to it you know you're never going to be able to build this this the dimension of the infinite that this is the this is the the reason why the reason why the shy made it do we need to separate we need to have first of all I love abused to have first of all our next our own experience or almond understandings and and yet he put us in the situation that were yearning for something bigger we learn into some way of becoming more complete so there's something that he that he put into into our lives because the because the only way that you can have something realist if it's if you have a yearning if you don't feel like you're there that anything finite is just there if you want to get to the infinite you always need to be always need to be yearning and because the because our marriage trying to bring something relationship we're trying to be something infinite into our marriage so it requires the fact that we journey this is this is why a shaman is an infinite wisdom gave us the mitzvah of Tara to miss behind that the reason for the mid-south transmission Baja is specifically that there should be a time that you're yearning that you're time the Cure that you feel like you're missing is also I for this for the very same reason - I'm - am created a single so for that very same reason so I made us that you should have this am at this time that you're yearning for something that there's something that you're not there yet and you want to you want to get to the stuff love Commission all right now the the would add that going on the same under that same our minds so I made this distinction between the male saw the female so and so it says that that the that the word ish is spelled in Hebrew other future with a very good and the word ishshah' spelled Allison hey so what's the difference the difference between the HTML shot is that the woman is created the letter yud and that was created with Larry yards the man is created for that a yard and the woman is created with a letter Hank so it says that's where does that mean what is what does that represent it says that it says that yours is the letter of the world to come it says to keep the caja Shep's are the mean the shunt created the world that the entire existence with the letters you didn't hate that created the world to come with with letter you'd said because it's very small because I only have small amount of people there in the world to come and a sham created through this world with the letter hey thanks wise wise wise with letter hey because there's a hole in the Bible because you're come so you can fall down in this world you can make mistakes but it makes the whole inside because you can come back so this world is represented by the letter Hank and the next world is represented by but very good so it says that each is with a very good means that there's certain connection of the mail soft the mail cells more connected to the letter U it's the world to come and the woman saw so her soul is more connected with the letter hey within this world yes that's why I always tell I was taught men that doesn't mean that any any differences of opinion do you have whenever you have a disagreement with your wife so if it's nothing to do with this world so she's always write the papers she is always connected to this rug and that's um but but seriously I mean I want that better serious in a certain sense but but what does it mean what does it mean the women are more connected to this world and that men are more connected to to the world to come so what to come is the world of thought and there's nothing physical on the world come and this this world dilemma says the physical world is the actual room so this is also representing a certain different difference between between the energy of the male saw energy of the female saw that that the man saw is more connected to the world of thought okay what to mean is connected to the world of thought so in the world of thought so there's a lot of theoretical and the world was nice about theoretical is that you already have to make decisions right and a lot of things can exist simultaneously and a lot of fat whereas in the physical world so something actual so then it's either this way or that way you can't have it both ways so the that's why that's that's why in the the in terms of committing so a lot of times the men have usually men have a harder time committing the women because they're they're more at home in the world of thoughts that the that they have a certain fear of making something real affair something finalized and it's it's hard for them it's hard for them to to really believe that I'm going to have to give up and this this amount of the certain amount of of my thought Ennis as where do women so she's more connected to this world she more connected to the world of actions have somebody like brought this a very brought a very brought out the point there was once like some speed-dating event in Jerusalem and so there was a journalist they wanted to wanted to speak of it 22 to write about the speed-dating event by being a guy in the in the vents so he was able to be an eyewitness to be able to experience it and who's gonna write about so so he said so eight so he so he he said that by oh by the way one of his dates I said I'm gonna see now this is this is so awesome mister eight days for the price of one so so she said to him so she said to him that really I can't stand it I feel like I'm doing in eighth of a dates eight times it's absolutely nothing so this is really like the whole difference between between a guy and a girl to the guy he likes the potential he likes having options he likes the fact that everything was opened in front of him and where's the girl she wants something real she wants something actual because she's connected to the world of myself she's going to the world of something like actualizing that that whereas the guy sees more he's more at home in the world of in the world of thought this translates into if you have a perfect life so what's you know I have a problem and I think grab our workshops about this also about the wife being the perfect boy but given your model how does the mail supposed to react in the relationship we say we do compromise so what party considers themselves perfect where is there room for compromise ah no so she's not supposed to consider yourself perfectly and also I didn't say that you should consider a reference I said that the reason why you were trapped there is at the beginning it's because you saw some perfection in her it's very possible that after you married us or even after even after you met her so could be that you realize there was really mistake but that's really the source of of guy's attraction to girls in the first place because they look if you look up to the girl look that must they're like really messed up they're looking just just just for just for the person again but the most normal romantic relationships so the guys attracted to she looks up he looks up to his wife and she leaves you she's he sees her as something which is perfect that that was just the source of the attraction indebted the life so that everybody understands that nobody's perfect and because nobody's perfect so everybody has different ways of looking things and because everybody has different eyes of looking things so we have to respect other people's views regardless of of who's more look that is perfect for the look that has been okay so so because because guys are more connected to the world of thought and the girls are more connected to the world of the world of action so we know that there's there's different things that the in terms of how how to make a marriage work so the two critical things they need to make to make an art work is number one respect and number two love okay without either of these two things so they're just not going to work that's why I think whenever I when people ask me like how do I know if this is the right one so it's very it's very simple you just need four things you just me that you respect her she respects you only you're that far actually that's yeah that's that's all you need but but that and how does but nevertheless there's a difference between even though both guys and girls need both respect and love but there's a difference between between how critical is it they which is if which one can you not live without and that is that the guy because he is more connected to the wood to the to the world of thought so the guy that doesn't feel respect doesn't feel acknowledged by his right so he will feel like he's dead you'll feel like he's not present there's nothing to nothing to look for in this man the girl so she also needs to be respected but because because that was really that the whole reason why she was attracted to the guy the first place because she wanted something who's going to look after her but in the marriage itself because she's more connected the customer sales market acted to the world of actions so what she really needs is the experience she really needs the level okay so so possibility for each side to understand the needs of both sides to understand that that the girls need to understand that how much your husband needs to be to feel that you look after him that you respect him that you think that he's worth something and and how and how how much the girl how much the the guy needs to show his wife how much she's loved there's the the most critical thing so and very in a very practical way so it's that the girls always need to be able to look at their husband and see to see him for who he would like to be that everybody everybody has a certain way that they respect themselves that if the hopefully that they went through this there's process of the vibe that they're okay with themselves and they're they're comfortable with a certain level of the certain certain feeling that this is yeah I am I am or something if their spouse if their wife if his wife doesn't appreciate that so nothing else they want to feel that I'm available that if he thinks that he is the best cook so if she thinks that you know you're amazing and you're amazing Tommy haha so if he like it's about example that hopefully would be the opposite like that but it's not going to help him the fact that she thinks that he's an amazing time haha if part of his self-worth is based on the fact that he thinks that he's an amazing cook so she needs to be able to appreciate that and it's fine you can i okay the Torah says even I shut my special eyes so that is the that's the it's how critical it is to have to have to have the respect on both sides but especially outside of the man and on the side of the woman so she needs to feel loved how does a woman feel that lunch feels like that obviously by getting cathodic complements that's obviously something that makes her feel left and the most important thing that she needs to feel that is that she feels like she is number one that the the greatest weight you can show somebody that the are that you that you love them is that there is nothing else that there is nothing else in your life that's before that there's a lot of people so they be like they like to feel a little bit of freedom they don't feel anything I think it's that that it's so necessary to to listen to to the things that their that their spouse needs that the wife needs that this is like I asked you to be home at five o'clock like I understand that something else very very very important to kind of but but even if it's very important but she feels like there is something which was more important to me now thermometers something even more important to me than she doesn't feel left and the one that doesn't feel loved so that even if everything else is there so she's not interested in America so there's also this basis this comes from the fact it's comes from the fact that you that there's a difference between the cells of the mandala so anyway so I bless us all that we should have fun we have successful relationships and it's really uh it's really a life a life challenge and it's really the like I said at the beginning that 80% of the success is just showing up just understanding that there is a lot to learn and there is a lot to to work on and it's doable it's just it's an expertise that is that can be gained and when you have a desire to work on some things then that's really that helps you for the rest and everything look good but that's a shame tada [Music]