Attacking the Trigger of Sinas Chinam with Rabbi Asher Baruch Wegbreit

Heat. Heat. [Music] There's two parts to the nine days and tisha. There's a veilus and feeling as we just discussed um that Hashem's crying. He's in agony if you will. Theina is in agony over the fact that Krael is in the situation is and Torah and Torah's representatives are you know despised or looked down upon uh objects of contempt. These are reasons to cry. And we said when you cry or even feel bad, you're emulating Hashem. No, Hashem first of all is connected to the pain much more than we could be. And again, this is tragic, you know, especially tell me again >> as Yeetsak said, you know, it doesn't have to be this way. When we had a basom melik, it wasn't like that. The world adored us and admired us and flocked to Schlommo melik to hear his wisdom. Okay, so that's number one. There's a veuse we must do. If we're reducing sa, right, which I said is psychologically really healthy to take a little break from laughing and joking around and all this stuff. It's really it's it's cleansing for your for your being and psycho psychologically. Okay. But now the next thing is fixing. Okay. Cuz again we're it says that if I don't have to go into big details but everyone knows why the the second base of mdash was destroyed. So the Gomorrah says right but I want to use the explanation the emphasis was what destroyed the bas mikdash lashon harah the sinum was it led to lashenhara and backstabbing all sorts of terrible things but he said lashenh harah is the let's say it was the aas whose km can bring down a basa mikdash can cause so much suffering. I think many people have heard it's all based on the the ramal that that's the way the court systems work when we speak lush and haram people it is unbelievable what comes back okay to the Jewish people and us. So now obviously we want to work on it and people work on it in many ways. I want to tell you what I did. I spoke there's a RV I live in Harnov and I spoke to a Rav who's written 20 over 20 books on a kam from a perspective it's taught in the schools in the bakov and everything it's phenomenal. His name is David Ariav 20 books. I think you will agree with me. He's probably an expert about so I said Rav Ary what can we do about lashinhar? What what's a good strategy to work on it? It's not just so easy to control your speech. He says you have to work on donafus to judge people favorably or to not judge people negatively. And when he said that I said boom that's exactly it. If you don't attack the underlying trigger, you don't have a chance here. You don't have a chance. So we have to we have to work on what wells up when we see people right well and and and so that that's what I want to do right now. I want to give you some very practical strategies to work on judging people favorably. Okay. So it's really but the real thing right now is also sore mera. How do we stop judging people negatively? Okay. So you heard I I see that I'm not the only one who observed this, but what happens when you judge something someone negatively? You're jumping to a conclusion. You hear your mind is jumping. A jump is like very quick and impulsive. Okay? You're jumping to conclusions that are not necessarily true. Okay? I I want to tell you just one story, you know, and I learned this from a I had a non-Jewish professor. He was a like an international consultant and he he brought me in on a project and there were several other people in this project. We were working with a team in London and we were in Holland. Okay. So there was a guy on the London team who there was a really important meeting and this guy doesn't show up and you know it was super important that the whole team was there. So we're all saying what's wrong with this guy? No one will figure out his name was Joe. What's going on with Joe? And so we were all like that, you know, but my professor, he said, I know Joe. He's a professional. And the only reason he's not here must be something like an emergency or something serious. And lo and behold, he was sick in the hospital. >> Wow. >> Yeah. So I learned uh I learned that a strong one a strong one there. He did not jump to a conclusion, right? And it was it was humbling and it stuck with me. So that's what we want to do, right? Yes. >> Also, please >> walking in the old city. There was a path down by the Zal store, >> right? >> I was walking and minding my business and there were two people talking or two people there. >> Come a little closer just so we can hear you. I was walking on this path and there's only a little bit of space to go by and I was like, they didn't move. I got a little mad inside. >> So, I passed them. I looked back and they're deaf. >> Oh, wow. >> They're deaf. Yeah. Like, why aren't they excuse me? >> And the real kasu was maybe they can't hear me. >> Exactly. >> But I thought they're like, oh my gosh. like like they were pushing me against the wall and there's a railing >> and you're saying please excuse me excuse me and they're not listening. Well, guess what? They were deaf. Fantastic signage. >> Fantastic. This is by the way since we just did it. One of the ways to work on this is to uh read stories and listen to stories about there's a book called the other side of the story uh story. It's all about that. And the Havatai Foundation puts out a lot of things. These stories like they you go whoa like that. So that's number one. Don't forget Joe Joe who was in the hospital. Okay, that's one way to work on it. But I want to um give you a set of possibilities of how to work on this um besides that. So that's one. Uh by the way, whoever's listening and also here if you're interested I I have a whole set of how many exercises? It's actually 10. I'm not going to do them all necessarily now, but please uh email me at rabbiwbritegmail.com wbrit t and I'll send you this list. Okay, but that was one is to to to go over stories uh at least once a week. Okay, I'm going to leave with a very practical suggestion, but first I want to give you some more ideas. Okay, again, right now we're in the repair section. Okay, and if we if we can cut the poisonous root of lush and horror, which is judging people negatively, that's progress. That we can say, Hashem, look, we're trying. Please have mercy. Okay. So, number one is listen to stories. Search for stories where people got surprised and found out guess what? I shouldn't have judged negatively. Okay, that's number one. Here's here's another one. Um uh yeah, I'm just trying to think if I should organize these. Yeah. Well, right now I'm just hitting some highlights. Okay. Um if you really wanna if you really want to be um working seriously you should say I am going to get a journal right journaling is super popular these days everyone's talking about right but how about a donus journal okay where let's say yeah please >> by the way it's al it's also politically correct It's not uh it's when you see someone do bad things and you when you uh uh tell him you talk to him in you need to to do >> right. >> So you need to understand that sometimes judgment is and and you need to do it and you need to fight for it. And a lot of Orthodox people don't do it. they they choose the politically correct and they they do a very big sin because a lot of people continue doing that >> okay that since we're working on this medita this characteristic yet bring important point okay and um I was just listening to people on this if you see someone do something incorrect according to the Torah and you are sure that it's incorrect uh or maybe even sometimes if you suspect it's not correct, it's it's good to approach the person and point it out to them, okay? Not to say he's not doing anything wrong. So there are times you have to be careful. And by the way, so but lash and harah when we say unless you're speaking the person's rabbi or somebody who's going to mashia is going to influence them most of the time when you say that look at that jerk you know or whatever uh you're speaking lash and and the rules of lashhara is go rebuke the person don't speak about him okay good so all right so anyhow if you want it if you really want to work on it hard hard or or Well, get a jour journal or if you have a journal and I'm by the way part of what I I try to work on I have a background in psychology. I try to work on how to adopt these practices but right now I want to give you a menu but and even if it's a difficult one I might not say start with it want you to hear it. So you take a journal in the nine days you you're you're e you're thinking of uh an example of where you didn't judge correctly and and you fix it or this and that but go back in the past even think about people that you've judged that you have a lot of negativity toward and judge spin something positive about them you know another thing is this I was explaining to my kids that it's not sometimes times you know they did something wrong. Okay. But you you you look at them with compassion as you don't say they were motivated to do harm to me or evil or negatively some >> pardon >> it doesn't matter. >> Uh what do you mean >> it doesn't matter? >> No no I agree you rebuke if it's it but I'm saying in the past people have maybe done things to us and they were wrong. Okay. They were absolutely wrong. But what we can do and fulfill the mitzvah is say to ourselves, okay, he did the wrong thing, but maybe um maybe he has certain he's suffered a lot and he has a kind of trigger response and I I was I I felt harm from that. But so I'm just saying is work on looking at negative in a positive light within the rules of halafa. Okay. So now that's that's another thing. Um the uh look, you know, I thought of a really good one. Here's an easy one. Okay, for those of you who read the news or look at the news, okay, and and uh and you see news that is anti-Israel, maybe maybe there'll be a little news like that you might come across. Okay? So, it is easy for us who live here and know and understand these biases. We we see we we we see they're not judging us favorably and we can look at it another way. Right? So that so here you go. Practice the skill. Just be conscious. Huh? I I can defend that right now. But I just want to point out to you and this is maybe the most important thing I'm going to say right now. It's it's not accidental when we judge our fellow Jews negatively, right? Guess what? The goyam are going to judge us negatively. Okay, there is definitely a correspondence here. This is what Hashem's trying to show us. Okay, so that's another profoundly important reason to work on spinning but we're talking about the mitzvah towards Jews, right? Um to spin it in the positive to the degree you can. Okay. So here here's I want to now I kind of want to um ah okay I I want to I want to give you now a very practical approach to do this and how to to I I would like us to have um a donus habit if really if we have that habit according to the qualifications of ala If someone for example we know is a wicked person and he's consistently doing and he's he's been um rebuked by the bin and he's not listening. I'm not talking about that case. >> Not a bum case. >> Yeah. Right. Not a bill. I'm not talking about the case. I'm talking about our fellow Jews. Okay. So here's the thing. Uh I and and this is something I I'm really trying to work on with mitzvah. Number one, you see we're doing things in the moment, but also I want it to l I don't want it to be when I used to give muser and the yeshiva I would say I please don't make this a TV show where you watched a little and you were entertained and that's it is gone right so I I want to suggest how do we really make this a practice now I can't like force you to do it but here's some some reality about our psychology we have to have to acknowledge. So, um yeah, just let me just do the order here. Yeah, this is a great point. Um I heard this idea. Um can't remember the exact location, but listen to this. Um first of all, you do have to make a commitment. Okay? If you don't feel a commitment, it's not going to happen. Okay? So number one let's let's say I want to work on the root one of the root causes of lash you know instead of I want to I'm committed to work on this if you don't commit that's number one it's not going to happen next thing okay if you don't set a time it's not going to happen. I know this is true. I'm motivated to do things and you're not raise your hands if you have been doing formal donus uh work. You haven't right. So, what are you going to do most of the day? Does anyone know what you're going to do? What you've been doing. Right? It's very hard to integrate a new even if it's important and you're committed to integrate it into your daily life unless one you're committed and two you set a time that you're going to do it. Okay, so that's number two. Let me run through the scheme. So if you don't commit, it's not going to happen. Don't set a time. It's not going to happen. Next, if you don't set a reminder, you can have the time. I'm going to work on it when I'm putting away my to fill in. Right? But you will forget unless there's some either visual or audio reminder. Okay? And and then my wife adds one more thing. If you don't start small, it won't continue. Okay? So, I just gave you some rules of doing these things. Okay? But now, so now what I'm Oh, okay. Now, I want one more rule. You have to make it easy to begin with. Okay. So, here's the thing. Here's of all the in these 10 ideas of all the ones I think this one is the easiest. We'll do it right now and then I um and then let's try to do the scheme as well. Okay. Everyone's heard the these ideas of affirmations where you just say you make a statement, right? Affirmation. You're everyone's familiar with the idea. You make a statement. All right. But here we we here's the thing. We we said at the beginning we jump we jump to the wrong conclusion. How do you stop jumping to the wrong conclusion? Why do you jump to the wrong conclusion? because you have a nia an inclination to look at things negatively. How do you change that? How do you change the jump to that way? So you have to kind of insert um some posit some positive psychology or positive spin so that it'll you'll go to that instead of your the negative. Okay. You want to say something? And you need to uh people need to understand also that the tun of of every man show you your face in a mirror. So if you judge someone it's it's it's the fault of you. So you need to understand when you judge someone and and talk you judge yourself. So you need to be compassion because God probably show your face to yourself. And you need to learn from that and grow from that and be patient when you in the situation that you judge. >> All right. So I just came I just thought of a great one from uh uh is that look when you look in the mirror in the morning to brush your teeth. Okay. just uh look at yourself um and just sort of remind yourself I'm not perfect and yet Hashem tries his best to to not go jump to the negative about me. Okay. Yes, please. >> And it's even stronger deeper than that. It's what Ysuck also saying that how many people wake up in the morning look in the mirror don't judge themselves favorably. >> You're saying they don't their own self. >> Okay. Good. Good. Good psych. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I know. That's the problem when you when you work on me do on character traits is very deep and there's a lot going on. Okay. So, this is >> Yeah. No. I >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. No, no, no. I'm going to bring what you're saying in valuable. Okay. >> It's important that you judge. >> Well, hold on. Let him finish. >> Oh, no. No. But All right. No. Okay. Yeah, there's a lot going on here everybody. But I think we're right now we're doing a little eun. We're going deeply into this idea about judging people negatively. Okay. So, uh and how do we how do we reverse it? Cuz it's natural. But you know the it says right that our heart to give us free will. We have a propensity to this is the malim on mish. We have a propensity to jealousy and arrogance and um a lot of negative traits. Okay. And the Yates knows what David is saying that if you can get down on yourself and judge yourself, you know, it says in aos, don't jud don't judge yourself as a Russia. And um so if you that that all is instinctual, right? But Hashem wants to make us great. So he says overcome these instincts. So how do we do that? Okay. So actually um I think I it is good to maybe start with those point. Why do we have a gut reaction to to look at the person negatively? It it can stem because we we're hyper critical of ourselves. Okay. And therefore therefore you know uh uh uh what do you call it? We have to we have to work on that. So I love this mirror idea and I want to use it two ways. Okay everybody see one >> two way. >> Yeah it's a two-way mirror. Very good. Oh it certainly is. Okay, everybody that one of the ways to I told you if you don't create a system to work to to make these character improvements you will go back to automatic behavior. So there's a lot you need hma that's why I use the hakma for these things. Okay. So one of the things is as I say if you don't you you have to kind of um remember to do the activity and it has to be this famous thing from atomic habits. It has to be easy to do and it has to be connected to your daily behavior. Okay. So every I think most everybody brushes their teeth in in front of the mirror. Okay. Now mo uh Jews do this in the bathroom. So you have to be careful not to think about Torah thoughts. Okay. But you could do this. You look in the mirror and let's say you look and say look at yourself and say you're trying you know you mean well right just say something like uh compassionate about yourself I'm trying I mean well you're not being arrogant right but you're already that's positive you're trying and you mean well okay so now you're training yourself to not look at yourself critically uh and that could also be much for you but the other thing is is to think he you look at yourself he looks he knows he knows what I I what I do the ne and he still tries his best to judge me favor me a kadesh who hashem does right so you can sort of remind yourself if hashem's doing that maybe I should okay so these are some mirror exercises okay and you're always going to look at the mirror but you must if you you must be committed to this. Okay, I can't force you to do this, but it's unbelievable. You know, the Vil Nagan says that the reason we came into this world, the whole reason we're given life is to work to improve the character deficiency. We haven't improved yet. And he says, if we're not doing this, he says, I don't know why we're alive. I don't know why we're granted life. Working on your character is huge. It's also emulating Hashem's perfection is a big mitzvah. Okay. So, one thing is uh one thing is you'll thank me later. One thing is this is that you should you we need to commit to this. You know, at least in the nine days, how about that? In the nine days, I'm working on judging people favorably. Okay? Then we have to set a time. Okay? The time is when you look in the mirror. Okay. When you look in the mirror, you have to look at yourself and say, "Hey, I'm trying." And I mean, well, okay. And and and but remember, you're doing that. So, you'll also he's try. When you see someone else, you say, "He's trying and he means well." You hear? And then also remember you you're looking at yourself, but it's like David say, it's a two-way mirror. Hashem is looking at you and Hashem is he knows he looks at us in a positive way. He doesn't jump to negative conclusions. Let us do the same. Let us emulate Hashem. You hear this? That was going to say I'll just give you one more. And like I said, I have material on this. Reach out to me if you'd like it. But the other thing is to ad is to say the following statement on a daily basis is I am only seeing part of the picture. Okay. Well, yeah, the the example David gave was great. He's walking behind two people. He says, "Excuse me, I need to pass. Excuse me, I need to pass." And they're ignoring him. And then he finds out they're deaf, right? We David from behind was seeing only part of the picture. Who has the whole picture? Hashem. What's my job? I am Tova. To look at people in a positive light. Okay. So, uh I have to we have to anchor this to some daily activity. But I you know um I also thinking for women I mean it would be amazing let's say after you say mod. No, it's a little bit Torah. After you say birka satara in the morning. Okay. Um you have to write this in your sitter if you're going to remember this. But after you say bira um you could say uh the following. I am when I look at people I'm only seeing a part of the picture. Only Hashem knows the whole picture. and my job is to have an ayen tova. Okay, say that on a daily basis. Okay, see what are we trying to do? We're trying to stop jumping to the negative. Okay, and the way to do that is by we have to have a new go-to underneath in our mind and you know so we get triggered letov. Okay. So anyhow um but >> give me something that might help. Okay, please. >> This is um whatever this sometimes people around that like you know that you know you want to run away from >> right >> I do anyway you know not not usual but every now and then it's like >> a little by the way a little louder so people can can hear. >> Yeah. So the so Y why Jacobson was talking about you know different corbanote and different you know different smells that Hashem you know that was supposed to bring and that in order for the corban to be accepted that you know there were several things in there that were you know that were from all different sources it seems >> you know and I just remember him saying he says you know and some of them are really nasty >> nasty smelling. Yeah. >> Really nasty smelling, >> right? >> He said, "But but but they're part of it. But they're part of it." And so I mean you get the muscle you know who was supposed to >> it it sure it absolutely helped me when I saw this one person or whatever that came to mind >> that I I I did not do what I had done in the past which was like you know try to you know >> steer away from him >> steer away from him and I would like good morning or good afternoon or I'm fine how are you you know like that >> beautiful And it worked. >> And it worked. So, let me make sure everyone heard that. Re Jacobson Schlita, he had the I probably was talking about the ctorus, the incense there. What some of the spices that are necessary for this ctorus, which is such a um amazingly important corban to Hashem. Uh some of it smells bad, yet it's part of it. So Ronnie just shared that there's a person you know the instinct avoid him negative feelings etc. But he realized that you know all these things are something that lead to something um a pleasing fragrance to Hashem and he and and amazing he he greeted him and acted uh differently. This these things are huge. I again I want to make a thing you in the in the world we live in Olaz in the working world ol you have to work very hard to get success to make money to make a huge success I know sometimes people get it hit get it lucky and we say braha but the thing is this when you do these things that they're not small in the in the slightest sense one time you you you act differently towards a person hashem what there's nothing in maz that can be fitting to compensate you in the eyes of hashem you hear that so these are huge things at a hugely important time so hashem should help us again thank you for uh joining us kvan mitz foundation where we're trying to make everything we do not mindless but meaningful leading being to the vicus and just appreciating what exists it is to be um connected to Hashem in the Torah. [Music] You must [Music] sh