Women's Vayeitzei Class: "Behold, She Is Leah!" Why Yaakov Had to Marry Leah

Welcome everybody and thank you for gracing us. Today's class is dedicated by Rabbor and Rahul Kaya Kagaritki in loving memory of Avdar Ben who passed away on the second day of Kislave and may his soul continue to be a source of love and light and inspiration for you and the entire family and all of our people. and only have happy and good news and thank you very very much for your partnership and friendship and may amen I also want to mention and dedicate the class for a complete and speedy recovery to many long happy prosperous joyous serene years full of productivity and abundance and thank Thank you. So today we are going to Ber Hashem explore one of those stories that uh seems to be what you might call in English a hairraising story perplexed enigmatic really difficult to understand. It almost looks like there's a lot of pettiness or just very primal anger, resentment and uh it's written that way maybe so that it can uh really trigger us or or challenge us or arouse us. As I once told you, it's interesting that in the Tanakh, I don't even think there's one story that ever ends with a good feeling. Um, you know, it's not a bedtime story where, you know, Cinderella makes it out on the top and you could now fall asleep into a tranquil tranquil uh slumber. And the reason for that is because bed bedtime stories are intended for one purpose, to help you fall asleep. The stories of the Tanakh are intended to help you wake up. So if you want to put somebody to sleep, you finish off they lived happily ever after. Okay, now I can go to sleep. If they lived happily ever after, I can also be happy. But if the story ends very differently, so how can I go to sleep? Something is challenging me. Something is uh is is stirring stirring the pot. So this is one of those classic stories and yet upon deeper reflection we gain we glean a tremendous insight not just into the story but also like every story in Tyra into our own lives into our own relationships with ourselves with our loved ones with Hashem and with the world around us. So let's remember context. Yakinu, our patriarch, Jacob, escapes the fury of his brother Asov. Asov wants to kill him after he discovered that he tried and took his blessings from his father. So now Yakov is on the run. The Tyra begins Yakov left his oasis, the home of his parents in Beerva, south of Israel. And then it's called Kanan. And he goes to Mesopotamia. Today it's southern Turkey, a place called Karan. Till today we know where the place is. It's identified as Haron. Haron. H A R A N. There's even a well there that some claim that it's the well where Yakave met Rahul. And that's what they claim. I don't know the I don't know the authenticity of that, but somebody who was in Karan visited told me about it. His father, Yakov's father, Yitz, instructed him to leave Kanan and search for a spouse in the remote town of Karan where his uncle lives. Remember that Rifka had a brother has a brother, Lavan. Lavan lives in Karan. That's where Rifka grew up and that's where she was taken from a generation earlier to go back to the land of Israel and marry Yitzk. So now go back to your mother's hometown in order to build a family. Yakov arrives in Karan. He goes to the well and that's where he meets his first cousin. His first cousin of course is Raul. Their parents are siblings. Yakov's mother is Rifka. Raul's father is Lavan and Rifka and Lavan as we know from earlier in the Torah were siblings. And as a result of that the and when Yakov meets the Torah describes how emotional Yakov becomes. He breaks into sobbing. He immediately feels deeply emotionally connected to. And when he comes home to her father, he offers to work seven years in order to gain her hand in marriage. The Tyra describes that Lavven has two daughters and the name of the older one is Leia and the name of the younger one is Rahul. And the way the Torah describes it is which means Leia had weak eyes was beautiful in her countenance calmly and beautiful. It's interesting from all features of Leia focuses on her eyes. Her eyes were ra could mean soft or could mean weak. Now seven years have passed. Yakov made a deal. Seven years of work. I'm your shepherd. And then I have the merit to enter into a covenant of marriage with Ra. We all know the continuation of the story. Here is where things really really become very interesting to say the least. But let's see it inside. What happens next? So your first source in your source sheet. All the source sheets are posted on the website if you ever want to retrieve it. The yeshiva.net t-sha.net. That's Genesis 29:22. I translate in English, not because I suspect that nobody here knows the Hebrew, but because there's a large audience that listens either live or lines. I just want everybody to understand. So, forgive me if I translate words that you already know their meaning. Beautiful beginning. Lavan gathers all the people of the place and he makes a feast. And here we see that a wedding should be celebrated. He gathers all the people and he makes a misha, a party. Okay, nighttime comes. It looks like the party already started in the morning or in the afternoon, but now nighttime comes and loan takes his Leia, his daughter, the older daughter, and he brings her to him. Meaning he brings Leia to Yakova. And Yakov connects with Leia. He's intimate with Leia and love is and then grants to Leia his maid Zilpa so that she could be there as a maid servant for Leia his daughter this happened all at night it's before Thomas Edison's days there's no electricity nobody lit candles perhaps morning comes dawn break sunrises he lea three words and behold he means and behold he Leia. She's Leia. She's not Rael. She's Leia. When morning comes and Yakov can see, suddenly he discovers there was a switch. So he comes to his father-in-law and he has to love. What have you done to me? I have served you. I have worked for you for why did you deceive me? Remai in in Hebrew is a deceiver. Someone who deceives you. It's called like a liar, a swindler, a crook. Why did you engage in this act of swindling me, deceiving me? Explains, you have to understand in our place, in our tradition, in our environment, it's inappropriate to give the younger before the older, to marry off the younger before the older. I could not give to you. But here's my deal. You could work for another unit of seven years actually means wait a week and for another seven years of labor I'll give you also the second daughter does so he waits for that week love and gives his daughter as a wife for and then he gives her the other maid to work with and now comes and connects also to and he loves from in English it's very hard to translate that because it's something very very difficult you can't translate it in English something is off right he loves oh from Leia. But if you would want to translate it, that's why so much gets lost in the translation because the original Hebrew always has nuances that you simply can't translate. Not because you don't want to, but because you can't. So it means he loves which means he loved Leia too, but more than Leia and he stays another seven years to work with. And then we learn about the birth of all the children and etc. The story continues. Great. Now, as usually the case in the Torah, many of the details are omitted, forcing us to imply, forcing us really to use and employ our imagination to fill in the gaps. So, I want to focus on one detail. I don't know if you thought about it, but when I read it for many years, I always think about this. If you look in the the second line in the source sheets, Right? What happened at that moment? He saw there was Leia. The next scene is he went to Lava. Now, presumably Lov wasn't in the tent, right? This was this was a a new groom and bride. Love brought Leia and he obviously left. So, Yakov had to go to Lava. So, you'll say, "Yeah, well, the Torah is not going to tell you uh what address he went and he went and he walked." Yeah, he went to love obviously. But here's the question. Did anything happen at that moment? Was there a conversation between Yakov and Leia? We know that there was a conversation with his father-in-law and ultimately he blamed him, but Leia was the person he discovered. So the Torah doesn't say just says he sees she's Leia and he went said and he said to love him. Did he say anything to Leia? That the Tyra does not say. Did they ever have a conversation about this? The Tyra doesn't tell us. So here it would seem like okay it's just skipping over that vignette. But when you look at the medish the medish records an entire conversation that happened between them and really this is the function of medish to fill in the gaps. What we're going to see here is when you're going to read the story in the medish it's like where did they get this from? Come on this does not say here. Very often people make this error when they read medish or hear midrashim and usually if you grew up and you had a good Jewish education in kumish your teacher quoted lots of medrashim even rashi himself quotes many medrashim. It seems like sometimes interesting stories but where do these stories come from? If you remember once we discussed the medish that when Batia the daughter of Pharaoh came to the river you remember and her arm suddenly stretches out and extends who knows 50 ft 75 ft and she takes the basket and I TOLD YOU THAT IF I was at a beach and my hand would extend 100 ft I would run for my life. Call Hatsah call Miss Callim call I don't know call anybody but I would run for my life. That's pretty spooky right the story itself is a beautiful story but the medish comes and tells us this whole story. The truth is that medish needs to be understood and this metaphor I heard from senior college rabbi David Foreman from the five towns althan he once said beautifully medish is like harmony to a song what harmony is to a song medish is to the text to the text of tanakh and that's always the rule I could sit down at the piano like many of us or our children da da da you remember da da da da da da da da da da da da And then you know your future is not necessarily in Carnegie Hall. You have other beautiful other beautiful skills. And then somebody else is down at the piano. Technically I got the notes right. Da da da da da. But it was lacking the the gishmach the luster the flavor the resonance as we would call it from the music. The text is the text. That's the basic. That's the meat and the potato. Da da da da da da da. or in the other at another time it was da da da da da da da da da da da da da dum I don't know where Yankee Duty ended up but da da da da da da and then somebody else gives it its harmony and it resonates in a different way. It becomes music to the ear pun intended. The medish is not intended to substitute the notes or create a new song. It wants you to hear the full music. So here's a classic example. The medish gives this whole conversation that happened at the surface. It's like okay it's an interesting story but where do you get it from? You'll say it's an oral tradition. Okay it's an oral tradition. It's part of of and yet the text completely completely emits it. Is there any symbol in it? Is there any hint for it in the text? Now this medish is not just an isolated medish. This medish is brought in many sources of the midrush which means this was an obvious ingrained tradition among our sages. You have it in medish rabbi which is the classic midrashic text on it's called medish rabb you also have it in medish you have it invos you have it in medish you have it above and many midrash and quote the story even though it's in different words but the theme is always the same let's see in the most basic source your second source this is medish raba berious par chapter 70 section 19. It's in Aramaic. I'll translate. That entire night that they were together was calling out to her. In his mind, she is Raul. This is the dream bride that he was dreaming about for seven years. V. And she responded every time he said, "Yes, Raul, what's going on?" Whatever she said. So whenever he said ra she responded bit safra safra in Aramaic is morning comes suddenly he takes a look and he's like whoops whoops or whatever the equivalent of that was the wrong one she behold she's she's not he didn't notice before he speaks to her he doesn't go to love and he says to her wowasa Bas in simple English we would say the apple did not fall far from the tree. Your father is a liar, a swindler and you are as the medit. Wow ramosa you are Rama. You are a swindler, a deceiver bas you had a good education. You're a very good you're proud daughter of your father. a re really good girl living up to not what he says but how he lives lying like him honestly I don't understand throughout an entire night I was calling out to you as I identified you as and you kept on responding as though you were how can you do such a thing le I responded in metaphor is sappur the lessim. Have you ever heard of a barber who has no students? Who's talking about a barber? He didn't ask her for a haircut. She didn't ask him for a haircut. Who's talking about a barber? But Leia is saying something. Sappar is like lispor. It's it's it's it's a barber. Somebody who cuts hair. Did you ever hear of a barber who does not have students? What is Leia saying? Leia is saying that every craft in the world requires a mentor, requires a teacher. Whether you want to go into art or you want to become a barber, if you want to play baseball or you want to learn how to dance, if you want to learn how to write or you want to learn how to sew and tailor or become a great culinary chef, every art skill in the world needs apprenticeship. You need somebody to teach you, to train you. You need educators, mentors, and a good a good craftsman creates students. So Leia is telling Yakov, let me tell you something. Of course, my father is a liar and of course I take after my father, but we had a good mentor. Both of us have learned this trade, this art from somebody. We had a good barber to teach us how to hone our skills. Who was this mentor? She continues and she says, "Didn't your father call out to you and say, Asov? You're Asov? You brought my food." And what did you say? Yes, I'm Asov. Whoa. You guys are impressed with Leia, huh? You didn't know she was such a sharp cookie, huh? Yeah. Yes. You You're like, "This is a good Jewish marriage, right? You started up with me. You started up with me. I know what they answer." Uh, everybody's laughing so loud. Wow. Okay. Not everybody here understands the humor, but some understand the humor, right? It's like almost Yakov. If you want to if you want to start with these types of remarks, I can I can give back. I can also be I can also give you a snidey remark if you want to talk about lying. Now this is a fascinating medish. The terra doesn't mention this. The terra says he went straight to love. But the medish assumes that something happened. Indeed he told her he told her off. He challenged her. He compared her to her father and she said wait we had a good teacher. Now on a simple level you could say Leia was telling Yakov something. She was maybe teaching him the rule that was goes around comes around. And basically Leia was saying what just happened to you is a consequence of what happened between you and your father. >> You'll decide. I'm just giving possible a possible interpretation of this medish. In other words, Leia was really teaching Yakov something and saying, "Look, this is really a continuum of the story that you began." Because if you think about it, it's almost the same story. It's just in reverse. Yitzk summoned his oldest son to come to his room to bring him food, to bring him game, and he would bless him before his passing. The oldest son was supposed to come in and Yitzk was supposed to connect them and bond. The last moment, what happened? The oldest son's position and blessings were hijacked. They were taken away by who? By the younger one. Yakov came identifies himself as gets the blessings. Huh? >> Yes. And there was a parent who was involved. It was Rifka who said, "Very good." It was Rifka who said, "Come bring me two goats. I'll prepare the food." She dresses him up in Asov's Ass. She covers him with the skin goats and she sends him into Yitzk. Leia says, "Look what happened here. Just like your father, you were expecting not the older one. YOU WERE EXPECTING THE YOUNGER ONE. YOUR FATHER WANTED THE older one. You wanted the younger one. You wanted Rael." AT THE LAST MOMENT, there was a switch. And who did the switch? my daddy and just like Yakov and Rifka were in cahoots, me and my father were in cahoots. Exactly. Furthermore, it was the same method, not just the result was the same. Yetsk could be deceived because he couldn't see. And why were you deceived? Because you couldn't see. Cuz it was night time. The Torah clearly says it was night and then in the morning you saw the truth. Yitzk didn't see the truth in the morning because he still couldn't see. Yitzk understood the truth. When Asov came with the food, he realized there was a switch. So essentially what Leia is saying to Yakov is this is a continuation of the story that you began. That's one level of the medish. That's what would seem pretty obvious. Yes. >> Interesting. Perhaps at this moment at >> Huh? Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> But the truth is Yeah. But the truth is that still something is very very disturbing here. Let's assume for a moment that Yakov is wrong with what he did. Let's assume. We're not going to get into that story at the moment. How does that exonerate Leia in deceiving him? Can I deceive somebody in a business deal because they deceived their brother in another business deal? I mean, that doesn't make sense. Let's say they were completely wrong in what they did. 100% wrong, 50% wrong, a th000% wrong. So, just because you sinned towards somebody else, therefore I'm allowed to sin towards you. Is that a moral justification? I mean, imagine a scene in the therapist's office. Okay? He says to the therapist, "There was this big Thanksgiving dinner that some people are preparing for and uh you insulted me in front of the entire family. How can you do that to me? I went to bed in shame and disgrace." And his wife says, "How dare you complain about this seven years ago? You lied to your father about the money that you took from the business account. You're a thug. You're a thief. You're a scoundrel. You're a ganov. You taught me how to be rude, obnoxious, selfish, narcissistic, and insulting. You're one good teacher. Thank you for showing me by example how to lie. We all know where this conversation is going. First of all, how productive is it? How meaningful is it? It's called a blame game. What is Leia really telling Yakov? Is it just Yakov, you start up with me, I will start up with you. You lied, therefore I could lie. Especially if we think about the personalities that we're talking about. You're talking about the matriarch and patriarch of the Jewish people. That means every single Jew is a descendant of Yakov or Leia or Raul or Bill or Zilpa, but certainly Yakov. What's the nature of this conversation? What did it do to the marriage? What did it do to the relationship? The Medish says as a result of that the connection between Yakov and Leia became intense. Became tense. It wasn't easy. Now, if Leia was really just criticizing Yakov, meaning look into your own heart before you criticize me. If that was the answer, okay, that's a very good conversation perhaps, but how does it justify what she does? So, today we're going to take this one step deeper. And I want to show you with God's grace, first of all, how they saw it all in the text. They saw it as the music, the harmony of the text. And in a very interesting way, you'll see how the sages read. Furthermore, it's going to show us an underlying subplot in the whole story that it's easy to miss when you read a story because every story has so many so many different layers. And then it shows us why this conversation is so important to be able to appreciate the entire continuum of this narrative. In terav there's a very interesting phenomenon. It's not paid attention to so much because it's mostly mysterious and it's known as cre versus cre versus means there are many words written one way pronounced in a different way. Usually that's not the case. If you take the word berious elohim it's written just as it's pronounced berious bar elohim. But there are other words you'll look in and it say it's written one way but you can't pronounce it that way. Either it's not a complete word or cohesive word that makes sense or it's out of context. So it says clearly in the kumshiv this it's written this way pronounce it this way. And you have to question what's the point like if you want it written this way so why pronounce it differently. And if you want to pronounce it differently, just write it that way. And why only a few words? The answer of course is that's exactly the point. The point is there is a dissonance here between the way it's written and the way it's pronounced. You see, the way something is written, we don't pronounce it. It remains in the text. So it remains there but more hidden. The way something is pronounced is the way it's articulated to others. Right? If I look at a book and I see a word written but I can't pronounce it, it means that remains only in the text. It doesn't come out. Remember also that when you write a letter, it's different than when you say a letter. For example, how do you write alf? You write how many letters does it take to write alf? >> No, no, just alf. >> One alf, right? But to say alf, well, how do you do it? What did I just say? Three letters. Alf. So you see pronouncing is elaborating. It's extending it. It's bringing it out into revelation. Alf. where in the writing it was just one letter but I can't I could say ah but if I want to really explain to you the letter alf I can't just say I'm say alf or b or gimmel gimmel is one letter but when I say gimmel when I write gimmel as well when I say this giml gimmel one of the fascinating cre is in this story I don't know if you noticed it but I'm going to ask you to go back to k and take a look it was the ing hea. And behold, she's Leia. Do you see what's going on here? What does it say? It says hea. Take a look at the word. It says, he is not spelled alf. How do you spell he? >> Hey, you're alf. That's not what the terra says. Says whoa. One second. He's Leia. >> She's Leia. What's going on here? He's not Leia. HE'S YAKOV. HE MARRIED RAEL. THERE WAS A SWITCH with Leia. Well, that's why we don't pronounce it, right? That's why we say when you listen to the vin. That's not how it's written. The sages were very very attentive to this. That means there's something interesting going on there. He's Leia. What does that mean? There's the conf some confusion here. >> Huh? So what's who Leia? Essentially they understood something was happening here. What was happening? Yakov discovered that she is Leia. But he also discovered something else. That he's Leia. How did he discover that? Because Leia told him, "I am you. I am a mirror for you. You have just been given a gift. I'm holding up a mirror to you. Me? I didn't do the switch. Oh, did you to the switch? Of course you did exactly the same switch. You're the younger. YOU CAMOUFLAGE YOURSELF AS THE OLDER. I'M THE OLDER AND I CAMOUFLAGE myself as the younger. VENELE. SO THAT ONE LITTLE SWITCH which we we can't pronounce because it wouldn't make sense but it does make sense on another level. So it's not hua genetically or biologically obviously but vhina this characteristic that he was so hurt that he was so upset was really he himself. It's the basis one of the basis what the bump says that when we look at others we're often or always looking at a mirror. Now it's hard to digest. What do you mean I'm looking at a mirror? I'm not looking at a mirror. I'm looking at you. Every time I look at somebody else, I'm I can understand sometimes they call it projecting. I'm projecting. But every time I look at somebody, it's a mirror. But the truth is there's a very profound truth to it. When you say when the BMP says when you look at somebody, you're seeing a mirror. He doesn't mean that I can't see something in somebody else. That is a fact. I could see that somebody is wearing a coat with a certain color and it doesn't mean they're mirroring my coat cuz my coat has a different color obviously. But he was saying is the way I see it is always based on who I am. Two people can see the same thing in somebody else. They're triggered in a different way. Their response is different. And very often the way I'm responding to the other's experience and not very often always is a mirror for something inside of me. In a very practical sense, if I have a particular wound and I see something in another person that may trigger my wound in a way that somebody who wouldn't have that wound wouldn't be triggered. It doesn't mean the other person is is atic. It doesn't mean the other person didn't make a mistake. But it means that first and foremost it's an opportunity for me to look inward and see wow what just happened. And this is where so so much powerful growth can happen in life especially in relationships that are closest to us. And therefore it's people who can get under our skin in very very profound ways because of the closeness. Here the mirroring is always more dramatic. It's more intense. So, it's a real opportunity to be able to be curious and inquisitive and ask myself, "What just happened inside of me?" And it's simply like somebody once gave me a metaphor. You know, if I go to a friend of mine and I slap him on his back AND I SAY, "HOW ARE YOU ANKLE?" And he says, "Wonderful. How are you?" But I slap him on his BACK AND HE STARTS SCREAMING, "AH, YOU'RE KILLING ME." WHAT HAPPENED? I didn't know that he was in Miami for a week and he was sitting and he got a sunburn and his back changed colors completely and and the sunburn is really really active. And now when I gave him a slap on his back, it hurt him terribly. It was a sunburn, right? If he wouldn't have had a sunburn, he wouldn't have screamed that way. When somebody tells me something and there's a sunburn over there, there's a sunburn. It hurts. Wow. Of course I'm triggered. Of course I'm upset. Of course I have to dismiss this person. Of course I feel like in danger. If I am ready to do the work, I could look what was the sunburn that this person just touched. What is it? Because then perhaps there's so much agency in this. This is the difference between always being reactive and simply defining my life based on other people's issues, good or bad, versus having so much more agency and being proactive in my life. This is all THIS ONE CHANGE. HE LEIA. YES, OF COURSE SHE'S LEIA. NO, she's Leia. But she's Leia is only showing you that you're Leia. AND YOU UNDERSTAND IT SO well because of something inside of you. So that's where Kazal right away see this. Great. We're still stuck. We're still though questioning this very issue. Let's say Yakov needed a mirror. Great. So now I want to ask you a question. If you stole food, if you stole something from somebody, NOW I STEAL FROM YOU AND you say, "Why did you steal from me? I had to be a mirror for you." Doesn't work that way. Let God decide how you're going to find out about it. So therefore, I'm going to start copying every criminal so that I could be a mirror for them. That's very immoral. And let's remember the whole Jewish nation is built from this. This is not an isolated marriage in Kentucky or Wyoming or Hawaii. This is the marriage from which all of us come. The whole claw comes. Take a look please in your next source sheet. When the Ty introduces us to Rahul and Leia the first time, you remember it describes the eyes of Leia as weak and Yak and Raul's countenance as beautiful. Why do we focus on the eyes of Leia? So take a look in your next source. This is Genesis 29:1 17 says Rashi and Rashi didn't invent this. Rashi's quoting. She thought that she's going to end up marrying Asaf and she was crying because everybody used to say Rifka has two sons has two daughters great the oldest to the oldest the youngest to the youngest says like this was the talk of the town every WhatsApp group in Mesopotamia and in Israel call And even the WhatsApp groups in Japan and in China, in New York and Los Angeles, Muny and Lakewood, Bora Park and Williamsburg, even curious and Brazil, Kulum, everybody, everybody was busy with this. Interesting expression. THE WHOLE WORLD, THE whole world, everybody was busy with the no other to talk about. So you could say Rashid is just semantics. Koola means yeah everybody everybody means everybody in in in evergreen uptown everybody but it's an interesting expression and why is everybody's business everybody was a sher I could understand the parents said it I could understand love saying it loan's wife saying it Rifka talking about it everybody was saying it makes sense love and Rifka they're siblings In those days they kept marriage in the family. You see already Abra wanted in the family. AND AS A RESULT OF THAT loving has two daughters. Rifka has two sons. The oldest to the oldest, the youngest adult. And this made Leia weep and sob so deeply so intensely it affected her eyes. The Gmorra says she cried so much that part of her eyebrows fell out. It says later that Hashem saw that Leia was hated. She was loathed. What does that mean? What Jacob hated her doesn't even like to disgrace an uncooher animal. In the parion of it doesn't say no took every that was contaminated. It says a be that is not pure and here to disgrace who's righteous and say that he loathed his wife he despised his wife he hated his wife. You're not letting him be married in such a situation. You just say and this is what he tolerated from himself. Noah means that Hashem saw that the actions of Asov were loathed by Leia. They were loathed by Leia. Snooa Lea. She could not deal with Asov's disposition with his behavior and therefore was so hurt and pained and in anguish and distressed by the idea that what? That she is going to end up as a soulmate. One second. Very interesting. But it says, it doesn't say doesn't say Leia hated somebody else. Says Leia was hated. Now you're telling me she hated what Asov did. So why SAY SO YOU SAY IT'S A MEDISH. It's a I don't know. It says Hashem saw that she was loathed. She was loathed means that there was something about her that was loathed. By who? It doesn't say. We assume YaKob. The say it wasn't Yakov. Fine. So now you're saying no it really means that she was loathing AS SHE DESPISED and hated Asov's behavior because it was unrighteous it was wicked what is what is what is the meaning of this there's another issue already in paras if you remember the story Rifka's father did not want Rifka to go home loavan also said let her wait a year 10 months don't just take Rifka Hey, don't just take R and Alza said no I want to bring Rifka to Yitzk please God wants this you see what happened at the well you see this incredible incredible coincidence I came to the well I prayed and what did they say what did Lavan say and her and her motherish this is something you have to ask the girl this is something you have to ask the girl she's going to decide who to get married and Rashi writes mid. You can only marry off a daughter and any person mida she has to be it has to be consent and we understand why a relationship by definition is a relationship it's a connection if I'm forced into a connection what type of connection is it so even they this is non-Jews before m understood right and it's a obviously till today it has to be mid it has to be from her consent so what was Leia worried ABOUT THEY WERE SAYING THAT I'M MARRYING AS THEY COULD SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT. ALL THE YAKNESSES, I don't care what they say. Somebody comes into A GIRL AND SAY, "EVERYBODY IS SAYING THAT YOU'RE MARRYING THIS BOY." They could say whatever they want. They could marry him, too. These were not the the people that had spines. You see that Leia responds to Yakov. You see that she could protect herself. And generally our matriarchs were very very uh powerful. Bibashi says that the were tel they were subservient to the immo to the matriarchs in a in prophecy. So people are saying that you're going to marry as they have to ask me. They have to ask me. Even Rifka knows that. Lover knows it. HE'S THE ONE WHO SAID ASK RIFKA. HE KNEW IT. THE GIRL HAS TO AGREE. THAT'S BASIC basic level of decency and humanness and normaly that love and understood. He's the one who said it by Rifka. It was his sister AND HIS MOTHER. RIFKA NEEDS TO AGREE. Nishan and then Rifka said they asked her do you want to go? We don't want you to go. And what did she say? Ach. I'm going. And then she went and suddenly here the next generation Leia is sobbing. Why is sobbing? It's called Mikvanias. You know what Mikvanias is? Okay, whatever. The truth is that there's a deeper story here. When Rashley says everybody was saying, it means not that every person in the world was saying. It means that there was a truth. When you say everybody is saying, it's a way of saying there was a truth that was inherent in the universe that was saying it. Right. There was there was a there was an energy and Leia knew that energy. It wasn't that somebody decided to make a and I couldn't care less what they say. I have to decide rather means this was something people were picking up on something, right? Sometimes there's an energy. People are picking up on it. There's a vibe. You can detect it. That's what she was experiencing. Still I I'm I'm I'm the master of my destiny. So let's go to the next source. For this we have to go back and here we continue part of the theme of what we began last week. What happened when Rifka was pregnant with Yakov. The Torah says and describes this pregnancy as very tumultuous. Now there's a lot of pregnancies in Tanakh. A lot of births a lot of pregnancies. This is the only pregnancy that is described in such a tumultuous form to the point that Rifka questions her identity. beginning of Toldis by we spoke about it last week AND RIFKA SAYS WHY DO I EXIST if this is what's happening so Rashi explains why was she so perturbed to the question her existence so Rashi says the second line there was a crisis that she was feeling an exist existential moral crisis. When she passes a center or an entrance to Torah of Sheaman, Sheaman were the monotheistic sages that created yeshivas dedicated to serving Hashem. One Yakov is kicking, kicking, kicking. He has this desire to leave the womb. But when she passes entrances to go into ashrams or monasteries or centers of idolatry, of pagan worship, of of behavior that was immoral and promiscuous, human sacrifice or whatever they were doing in these pagan places of idolatry, this child is kicking. Of course, later she finds out it's twins. As of is kicking. So this is really bothering Rifka to the point that she questions herself so deeply. Why am I? But now we have a huge question. Who decides what you do in the womb? Who? Tell me. I don't know if anybody here remembers that time, right? But do you think you had a lot of agency in the womb to decide what to do, where to go, how to react? Of course not. Barely now we have agency. We try to to teach ourselves how to have choices. And that's even many many years after we came out of the womb. In the womb, my responses are completely completely genetic based on what was given to me. However you want to describe it, essentially I'm manifesting my mom, my mom's genes, my dad's genes, my mom's moods, my mom's experiences. You don't blame a fetus for what happens in the womb. So one second, this seems very unfair. We call as harasha. Rashi says already from the womb he came out. Already you see they were kicking in the womb. Why is he called a Russia? That's not fear. That's classic predeterminism. This kid was already ready. His nature, his proclivity to idolatry was not something he chose. Even if you do it at 3 years old, you there's no choice. There's a reason Bitzvah is 13. Basitzvah is 12. Till then, it's considered child's play. You don't even have any responsibility. Then in the womb, YOU'RE NOT EVEN conscious of it. Who knows what they did in the womb? I don't remember what I did in the womb. I mean, they have certain therapies and journeys where people could sometimes go back to those places and they're pretty intense stuff. No question. A lot happens in the womb. Maybe most of life or at least a lot of life is a continuum of what happens in the womb, especially during birth. It's it's it's a complex suga. But certainly there's no blame game here. There's no agency here. So why do we even call Asov the wicked and then Yakov is called it sadic? He's the saddic. He's the Russia. Nobody had choice. Their fate seemed predetermined from the womb. I understand if as grew up a final and then he was 19 years old AND HE SAID BYE-BYE. OKAY, YOU'RE attributing it to him. And even though you have to know, even then you have to know exactly what the factors were. But fine, we want people to feel that they have agency. There's a concept called etc. But the poor kid gravitated to paganism from the very start of his formation in his mom's womb. How could you blame him for his genes? That seems that seems cruel. That seems so unfair. The answer to this is vital and fundamental to an entire understanding of Yiddish to understand understanding what Judaism and to show you how far it reaches. I want you to take a look in the next source told us is a fascinating commentary on Kumish by the Reb of Kam. He was one of the great cabalists andic masters of his generation and this is what he writes. So you could see here the nature of what we're learning this rush he's referring to as par has told us if he would have chosen goodness he would have been at a thousand times greater than it's very dramatic a thousand times not 100 times a thousand times because managed to comprehend the consciousness vibrated with the consciousness of butch. BUT IF WOULD HAVE CHOSEN GOODNESS, his consciousness would have expanded to the consciousness of Msiah which is known as the level of which is the fifth level of the soul. Five levels of the world of beside who is called David of course is known as David Malash the progenitor of Mashia David. Who else is called and only one more person as ADM AND DAVID is adm. AND WHEN SCHOL sees David is admi he gets worried but the im with beautiful eyes interesting raisia's eyes we focus on now David's eyes by it doesn't say so the says that was the difference he remained in he didn't get to the nay to the beautiful eyes in fact WHEN SCHOL SAW DAVID HE SAYS HE'S reminiscent of so says no he's kazal sayan David is a warrior just like he's also a man of the field but he always seeks to do he tries to do which means what says not like as what's the telling us one second you just told me that from the womb he was already gravitating to idolatry that's what Msiah looks like heaven forbid this is so strange this is so enigmatic the answer to this is fundamental to life maybe one of the most important lessons in life. Never ever confuse the struggle with evil and evil. They're not the same. The fact that I struggle with something very dark is not dark. The fact that I may be experiencing a deep, deep challenge physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, psychologically only tells me what my mission is. It's not a verdict if I'm good or bad. And to compare two people and say, "Why can't you be like this person is not only foolish, it's also cruel. Take Asav and Yak." Even if As would have turned out to be the biggest sadic, he would have never looked like Yakov. He couldn't look like Yakov. Their entire chemistry was different. They had different souls. THEY HAD DIFFERENT BODIES. EVEN IF ASOV WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE THE HOLIEST PERSON, which is what Yitzk wanted and that's why he wanted to bless him. He wanted to bring out his strengths. He would have never looked like Yakov. We make the mistake of thinking he WOULD HAVE LOOKED NO HE WOULD HAVE NEVER looked like he couldn't look like Yakov. You have sometimes two siblings in a family and you know one of the foolish things is to start comparing them. One person is brilliant in music, one person is brilliant in math or other types of thought. Why can you be LIKE HIM? BECAUSE I'M not right. Rabbush Shanipoli famously said when I come to heaven they're not GOING TO SAY WHY WEREN'T YOU LIKE au because I'm gonna have a VERY GOOD ANSWER. GUESS WHAT? I ain't ofu. He didn't say it that way. WHY WEREN'T YOU LIKE CUZ I'M NOT SO I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT all these questions. They're foolish questions. THE ONLY QUESTION I'm thinking about is why weren't you Zusha? WHY WASN'T ZUSHA ZUSHA? AH, THAT'S A QUESTION. Why weren't you authentic to you, not to anybody else? Everybody has a different vocation, a different destiny, a different soul. People in the same family, even twins, even identical twins who are fighting over the same nutrients and the same placenta of mother of motherf. But it's a different journey. So he says if would have perfected himself, he would have been higher than Yakov, but not Yakov. So one of the great mistakes a person could make is the fact that I'm struggling with something almost makes teaches me that I'm bad. I'm being penalized. I'm being punished. I'm a bad person. If I wouldn't if I wouldn't be bad, I wouldn't have to deal with this. No. On the contrary, like we learn here, Asov's struggle was his path to greatness. So the fact that from the womb he was struggling towards idolatry, that was God's choice. That wasn't his choice. Everybody needs to know. People are chosen by Hashem to struggle with different things and nobody understands why, how it plays out, where it plays out. Is it nature? Is it nurture? Is it a usually a combination of both? Is it genes from my parents? Is it epigenetic meaning from many generations? Is it I'm carrying something in my soul that is very very intense? But one thing is sure, it's not a punishment. It's a vista to your greatness. This is dealing confronting these challenges is the way that I unlock the safe where my soul's light is stored. You'll say, "Why can't I just open the safe without these challenges?" That's a good question. I don't have an answer to that question. But all of the story of life is that every person is given a choice to be able to confront all of the darkness that exists in their life. Knowing that deep deep inside there there is an indestructible divine, infinite, limitless, joyous, serene and blissful core. But to get to that core, I often need to dig and excavate and move away the debris and the sand and the gravel like to find the the story of Yitzk and told us is that he dug well after well after well after well what's the idea? The water is there and it's amazing water but it's covered over by dirt. It's covered over by stones, rocks and I need to shovel and shovel and dig and excavate it. And everybody needs to understand therefore that it's a different mission. And the mission that one person has, you could never ever compare to a different person. Some souls are destined to travel on a much more smooth terrain. And some souls are given an ATV. You ever went on those mountains? It's a different terrain. It's a different journey. They struggle with different demons, skeletons, tribulations, ups and downs. Everybody struggles. But no, nobody knows what degree. Some of us struggle with mental illness, deep deep emotional challenges, stories of the past that haunt us. Sometimes people had to deal with abuse or holocaust, insanity that they went through, their parents went through. This is something one needs to be very humble. When we look at somebody, it's very easy for me to say, "What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Come on, take your pills and get out of bed. Learn from me." I was up 3:00 in the morning, you lazy couch potato. Why do you think you money to take you to every therapist in the world? Cuz I'm up 3 in the morning working hard. What's fluff is 4:00 with your stupid devices? Breathe. Breathe. There's pain. You're in pain. Great. That's pain. But there's also a mirror here. That's where ha. What are you seeing? Because a much deeper question is not what's wrong with you but actually what happened to you and how can I help you see that and with empathy and compassion find your strength and resilience and that's a very very subtle subtle difference not only in semantics but in my regulated presence and demeanor and how safe you could feel with me. So from personality disorder to different traumas to different challenges. It could be from depression to other deep deep emotions that we deal with including in our marriages with our own children with ourselves with our upbringing everybody in a different way. Our path to truth is never identical. It's never identical. There's no such a thing. Nobody has could be on the same path. We can hold hands. We can look at each other's path. Sometimes I can join you on your hike. You can join me on my hike. But essentially, your soul is a vibration of Hashem's light that is uniquely yours. Even as I speak to you, you know what an interesting thing is? We're not going to do it because it's going to take a few hours. But if we would pause this class and everybody here would be interviewed and asked what they heard me say the last five minutes, do you know that no two people will say the same thing? I've done it. I know after classes people give me feedback. They send me emails. They share with me. They text. Whatever it is. It's like, "Wow, I never said it. I never thought of it. I never dreamed of it. I used to sometimes get a little annoyed. But now, no. Of course, nobody ever hears what anybody else says. And I don't mean it in a disrespectful way, even if you're trying to. I don't mean you're not listening, you're not interested." did you know like some conversations between couples it's like this woman understands I'm just waiting for you to finish so I could show you that you're wrong right you know those conversations I'm saying from a much deeper place all I can give you is words it's your soul that understands anything and your soul is going to understand it based on your soul's wisdom based on what the cosmic intelligence and love of Hashem is channeling through your soul all I can do is give words and letters and construct them and hear but letters themselves are lifeless right it's like stones of a home. You could build a home, but somebody has to live into the home. So now it's letters and what do you see through those letters? It's all based on your wisdom, your emotions, your experience. Now I know sometimes I may say a fact and everybody will hear the same fact, but those are like just facts. When we're talking about the internal landscape of a human being, people experience it so differently. And as a result of that, we need to understand that generally there's two very different types of missions. If so, Yakov and Asov are not about a sadic and Arasha from the womb. No, they basically had two different souls. Most of us are a hybrid of both. But when you say they had very different souls, it means that initially from their creation, Hashem chose them to be completely in different paths. He's wholesome. He's a channel for divine energy. It's who he is. It's his chemistry. It's his makeup. Asov, he would have to conquer. He was a hunter. He was out in the field. It's not just physically. It's also emotionally. He needed to be able to conquer. He needed to be able to dig deeper. He needed to be able to confront his darkness. Because once you learn that your inner darkness is not an invitation to despair and immorality, it's an invitation to transformation and growth. Everything changes in life. We need both. We need role models for both. We have souls who emulate the yakov paradigm. We have souls who are inspired by the ace of paradigm. Never to give up on your inner light. I heard a clip from Mosha Weinberger. So he said beautifully. He said saddaknister. Everybody translates as what? A concealed saddic. But there's another meaning to the word nist. Right? One of the one of the 39 labors of shabas is bon building. And what's the opposite? So to demolish right is a contradiction that undermines the paradigm. So sadic nist is a sadic who gets nister who gets destroyed. So there's two models. There's a model in which I discover something and I embrace it. And then there is I have something and then I get challenged and it gets destroyed. It gets demolished. And in that experience of demolition, emotional demolition, I come and I see a gut job. You know, sometimes you come to a property around here, we have a lot of that. And you just see a gut job and like what is this? It's a kurban. No, it's a sad nister. It's a different type of light that can be born from the gut job, from the demolishing, from the devastation, from the breakdown. Majer in Hebrew is a breakdown. It's also the word that we use for a woman giving birth. How can that be? Because every breakdown is also an opportunity for a new birth, for a new discovery. They say the that's talking about there's an exaltedness the pride the pride that comes before that's talking about hmon and others. So the idea here is in every person's life there are things that are broken very difficult as really needs to confront these dark thoughts these dark stuff it's not easy but the tells us and that's what understood if he can look that in the eyes and but with compassion but with conviction and with one unwavering strength work through it he comes to deep deep heights that are unprecedented that's the of Mashia That's of with beautiful eyes. So the redheaded, the redness which represents, so to speak, blood. There's a lot of aggression there. There's a lot of intensity there. It's painful. But deep, deep, deep inside sound, I could deep inside I could find my light, my innocence from that space. And it's such a powerful message for all of us because people look at them lives. And this one is dealing with rage. And this one is dealing with depression. This one is dealing with laziness. This one is dealing with disassociation and shutdown. And this one can't deal with criticism. And this one is disassociating and feels emotionally dead. And this one becomes completely aggressive and confrontational. I can't be in a relationship. And this one needs to go into narcissism. And this one into borderline. And it's hard. It's really hard because when I get tri when those forces get triggered, my natural instinctive reaction is just to go back into my old rut to respond the same way. Right? And it takes that deep deep courage. I told you what Victor Frankle said between uh stimuli and reaction. There's a millisecond. That's where all freedom lives. Right? That millisecond. Of course, I was stimulated. Of course, I want to confront. I want to run. I want to attack. Whatever it is verbally, I want to shut down. I want to gaslight. I want to drift away. I want to stonewall. I get it. I get it. Everything is coming up. All the scary stuff are coming up. Can I pause and really really look at it almost like a child tantruming? Literally like a child tantruming. And then lean into a deeper place and ask myself if this reaction is going to really reflect my deepest authentic convictions and love. And if not, maybe I can choose a different response. Now all those DEMONS WILL SAY, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. WE'RE HERE TO PROTECT YOU. GO DOWN THIS ROUTE. GO DOWN THIS ROUTE." ESSENTIALLY, this is what Yeitzk so craved to show Asov. Yitzk saw Asov in ways that he couldn't see himself. And the blessings and the intimacy and the love that he had to him was trying to show as what he saw in Asaf. Because the only way anybody could see themselves is to have at least one person in their life to see them. In order to be able to see other people, you have to be able to see yourself. I don't know if there was one person in history who saw somebody else if they were not if they did not see themselves. You cannot see somebody else by forcing yourself to see them because that's not called seeing them. That's a transactional relationship. I can only see somebody else from a very deep regulated place from a very deep place of trust and regulation. It's like the maternal gaze or the paternal gaze. But here I'm talking about the maternal gaze. There's a regulation there, a sanesh, an inner serenity and tranquility where you just see it. You see it in its core and then the person with God's grace can see it in them. That's what Yeitzk was constantly trying to do with Asov. The tragedy of Asov was not his struggle in the womb. That was his greatness. That was his opportunity. I once shared maybe with you a letter I once saw. This is 1986. And uh I was in somebody's house in uh actually I went for a lecture somewhere somewhere in the states pretty far. And it was somebody's house and I saw the letter over there. It was not it was not public at the time. This was 1986 and there was a baker a yeshiva boy I know yeshiva boy not yes boy is a baker and he wrote a letter to the labb that he's struggling with homosexuality then this was not spoken a lot about this is 1986 so it's very very rarely spoken about and uh I don't I don't know his letter but I saw the response it was a long response like a two or three page letter very very uh compassionate but really indepth response to him and I saw it then I was pretty shocked to see it. And um he wrote there interestingly a lot about neuroplasticity that they're now discovering, this was just the beginning of the time that in neuroplasticity they're going to learn that when people define themselves a certain way. It's a very very narrow perspective. With neuroplasticity, you could see what's going on in the brain. There's so much development that's possible. And then I wrote some other things, but there was one line over there, one paragraph that really touched me in an amazing way. He says, "You ask me why did God do this to me? I did not show choose this struggle. I want to be like my friends and I want to why did God do this to me?" So he writes to him, I'm not saying it verbatim, just a concept. He says, "I don't know because nobody knows the journey that Hashem puts every person on. I just want to share with you one point that it says in that could be helpful perhaps if it resonates." And the point the Reb made to this young man was as follows. Sometimes a person has within themselves a light that can heal the world that can have a tremendous positive impact but they don't know about that light and the system the way we live is we don't give we're not given free lunch here it's called we don't get bread of shame which is just everything is free every person works to create their life to find their light what happens if you have an incredible light but you don't know about it how are you supposed to find it. It can't be given to you because then it's not yours. You don't own it. What somebody gives to me is not mine. It's not even internalized. So, you need to find it. But how you going to find this incredible light? It's so deep. And those are the obstacles that people have in their lives. Those challenges are the training ground that when you work through these stuff, you are forced to build a deeper relationship with yourself. You need to find yourself in a deeper way. You can't just go back into your comfort zone. Some of you know this very well. Those of us who had to or have to or do struggle with serious stuff. Everybody struggles. But there's also levels. You know, I can't just fall back on, you know, cliches and uh, you know, everything is good, which are all good and authentic, but I need to really find that, you know, live it, embodi it. And it's in that work that you're going to do as you deal with this, as you deal to overcome this and find your inner inner inner intimate power that on the way you're going to stumble on your light. You're going to stumble on your light. And history is changed forever because of this. The tragedy of Asov was he never saw it in himself. He saw his darkness as a destiny rather than an opportunity. He saw his dark, you could write that down. He saw his darkness. It didn't come from me. It just came through me. He saw his darkness as a destiny rather than as an opportunity. Rather than training ground, rather than a boot camp to build you up into the vessel you need to be. Every struggle is really creating the personality you need. The pressure you're feeling today is the pressure you're going to be able to endure when you have to deal with what you deal with and you have to cast your light. But instead, he just saw it as an invitation for despair. He didn't understand the depth of who he was, even though it was deep deeply in his soul. Oh, so now now once we understood this about the pregnancy and the birth of Yakov Asov now we have two sisters in another country in another family not such a different family first cousins we have two sisters the older one is Leia the younger one is Rahul the tells us one thing about them a leak the eyes of Leia are weak and raal is fate is beautiful. What essentially is the Torah telling us? So now just look at the words. Anybody knows a good Hebrew? What does the word Leia mean? >> Midkite. How do you say that in English? >> No problem. >> Yeah. Leia means one who is exhausted, one who is weary, one who is much one who is that's English. One who is much is just better than everything, right? Mid mid mid is probably German. Midkite is exhaustion. Now, who names a girl the one who is exhausted? Wow. What did the therapist think about that? What's your name? Leia. Wow. while your mother was exhausted 24/7 probably. And that's what she decided to immortalize in my name. The one who's exhausted, the one who makes me exhausted, the one who makes everybody exhausted. What does the word rael mean in Hebrew? Rael Rael. What's Rael? A U. Ew. A U. Ew. Which is sheep? The sheep family. Go sheep. Interesting name. Interesting name. The one who's exhausted, the sheep. Wow. They had imagination at that time. Yeah. We hear we're talking about the first ra there was a lot of thought that went into it. So you're a sheep and you're exhausted. Interesting. Now if you look at the gamatri of rael is 238. Rahul is 238. The rau one of the great cabalist in Italy 17th century he writes the gatri of 238 is almost in the beginning of terra the words and there was light is 238 like what's going on here why is le exhausted and why is and why is ra a sheep what's the color of sheep most sheep fight. Which is considered the most docil calm animal? What did your grandmother call you when she wanted to give you a compliment? Why not hintal? Why not? Why not? Why not leal? Okay, that was your brother. Why not? That was also your brother. Why not vulfa? That was your uncle. Okay. Allah. Because sheep are very very calm, calm, placid even when they do arouses compassion. Yeah. The Tory says in this week focused on the sheep. He separated the sheep. Asov is called ish sire. What's a sire? A goat. Goats are different than sheep. Goats are sly. Goats are more aggressive. You put a fence and the goat goes up. Even the color of sheep is a bright white in sensory integration. Kids who are afraid, sheep are the easiest because they're very calm. Very, very calm. Rel is a u le is exhausted. What is going on here? Take a look in your next source. My admir from the Leia comes from exhaustion in when the uh sent the people away they became exhausted. They were blinded. They couldn't see the door again. They were blinded. Their eyes were affected. She is always exhausted. Wow. Why is Leia always exhausted? This is interesting. Now I want to ask you one more question. Little trivia. There's one person in who's described a male as exhausted. Anybody remembers who? One person who's described how do you say exhausted in Hebrew besides Leia? You remember one person who's described as being exhausted in in insh. >> Yeah. What was it? What? >> Yes. Paras told us last week who Asov came from the field and he was exhausted. Interesting. Why is that relevant? I understand he was hungry. That's why he asked YaKob for lentils. Why do I have to know that he was exhausted? Say he was hungry. Let's say he wasn't exhausted. LET'S SAY HE SLEPT 9 HOURS, BUT HE WAS HUNGRY. Some people, they're not exhausted, but they're hungry. No, he came from the field and he was exhausted. Interesting. And then Leia means exhaustion. But this is where we start realizing what's going on. You see Leia the Zar says is Alma. She's the subconscious. Relia. She's the conscious. Leia represents the characteristics inside of us that are more complicated, disturbing, complex. There's parts in every one of us. What do they call it? The good, the bad, the ugly. There's parts in each and every one of us that are just bright. It's what you write on the resume when you want a job, right? You don't write, "I'm exhausted. I have crazy insecurities." You don't want to see my relationship with my mother. Uh you don't That's not what you put on your resume. It's not what your boss wants to know. Your boss wants to know you're responsible. You know how to run a team. You're efficient. You know how to deal with pressure. You have it together. You're on time. You're a bull buster. Huh? >> Multitasking. >> Multitasking. Of course. Aidame. You're also empathetic. You're kind. You're normal. That's a big one. >> I don't write on my resume. I have streaks of insanity in me. There's parts of me that want to run away from the universe. Sometimes I wake up and say laz. So that's in your resume. But the is not a resume. The terra is truth. There's parts in us that make us exhausted. Think about your children. There's the ch child who never made you exhausted because that child was up 7 in the morning, dressed herself, dressed themselves 8:00, they left the house, they made breakfast of themselves, THEY ALWAYS HAD SNACKS FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE THEY DID THEIR HOMEWORK. SHINE, invite me to the where do you find it? By your neighbor. >> Yeah, by your neighbor. And then there's a child who kept you exhausted. And you already knew it in pregnancy. You know that. You already knew it wasn't pett. This child makes you exhausted. Why? Not because he's superficial. Usually there's a lot of depth there, but there's something there's something that has to be worked out. Sometimes it comes out later in more dramatic ways. It's not easy to deal with Leia. Not in yourself, not in others. It's those parts in your life. Think about it. If I would ask you if there's three stories in your life that you could press control, altdelete. If God gave you the opportunity here, my dear Shef Allah, pun intended, take any story in your life, three of them, could press control, all delete. They never happened. What would they be? Think about it. You don't have to say aloud. Think about it. Control, all delete. Because these are the things that make us uncomfortable. These are the things that challenged us. These they are the things that may have affected our personality in unbelievable ways. These are the things that created dysfunction or created deep deep fear, panic, insecurity, created an inner critic, an inner sniper, created cobwebs and cages and splintered maybe parts of me to the unconscious. Of course, these are exhausting. Not only that, some of us I would say much of our life we are busy with. This is deep. Avoiding facing that which exhausts us. And that's exhausting. The only thing that's more exhausting than exhaustion is trying to deny exhaustion. If I can look at it, it's exhausting. It's hard. I can cry. I can be there. But when I'm not allowed to even look at it, so much of my life, I'm busy denying those parts. Do you understand how many distractions I need to create? Do you understand what type of popular rabbi I need to become? Or what a successful businessman I have to be or what an amazing balas and woman I have to be in the community. Do you understand the pressure I have? If I don't give that share on top of the world that's on top of the world, if I don't make that success, you know what's going to happen? Sub it's all subconscious. Not even it's not even a choice. You know what's going to happen? I may have to face my I can't face that. My whole life is invested in avoiding this ability. Of course, Asov was exhausted. He was exhausted. Whenever you're living in dissonance, you're exhausted. Whenever you're not in flow, you're exhausted. Whenever you're not in touch with all the parts of yourself, it's exhausting. Whenever there's a hand in me that always has to go like this, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Emotionally, you know how exhausting that is. But we have mechanisms. The one of the best today is the phone. The moment it comes up, uh, I have to text you. Oh, that's an interesting clip. Rabbi Ray, let's go there. Problem is, Rabbi Ry is talking about this. Okay, we'll go to another clip. Trump won't be talking about this. Don't worry, he'll be talking about another achievement that he created. That also gets you exhausted. Okay. So, then you go, "So, I'm anti-Semite." So, now you can get angry about what he said about Israel and you're done. You're you're healthy. And you send it to your family. What's up? I never knew he was such a Israel. You have a new S is in the family. WhatsApp. Good Morgan. Good Morgan. You and Columbus discovered America. And sometimes when you say pause, can you not take this? Why did you just take this phone? Why? Most people don't even know. But you we do know our our consciousness said there is something I need to distract from. And this is unbelievable. Some of us do what's called binging. I'm familiar with that one. There's always you go to the pot. I WENT TO THE POT 5 MINUTES AGO. There was nothing there. But because of my deep amun, I believe that Hashem put man into the pot. The last 5 minutes. You see people go to the refrigerator. 20 minutes later, they go to the same refrigerator. What? Costco made a delivery. Instacart from heaven. Well, what happened in the LAST 20 MINUTES? IT'S IRRELEVANT. YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR FOOD. YOU'RE looking for a distraction. If there's no refrigerator, I'll go to the freezer. IF THERE'S NO FREEZER, I'LL GO TO THE SAFE. Maybe this kuckish cake in the safe. Who knows? from a previous h dealer 20 years ago he was in the house maybe he put kakush cake there everybody in their OWN WAY AND SOME OF THE DISTRACTIONS are not bad they can even be interesting and sometimes productive but avoiding the exhaustion is very exhausting what was the uniqueness of Leia she didn't avoid it she couldn't it was her name every time she looked at herself this is Leia that means she was in a conversation with her exhaustion Rahul is different. Rahul is it's a beautiful you. It's calm. It's placid creates compassion. Rahul is light. Rahul represents those parts of us and those parts of our children that are just bright, luminescent, delicious, gashmak. It's lovable. It's easy to love rael inside of you. With Leia, we have a complicated relationship. We're scared of it. We're scared of it. And that's why we avoid it. That's why we don't want it. Lea, we don't like it. It's hard to look at those things. But here's the deal. This is this is so real. This is authentic. And this is my deepest path to greatness. Shame. So say from her came from her came from her came priesthood levia malus world to Yehuda. All from her. It's all from from Leia. says, "What? What was it?" Ah, here comes the Everybody was saying Leia as Yakov. This wasn't a couple of Yentists that were making because they wanted. This was in the energy of the universe. Leia and Asov. Leia was a mirror for Asov. Asov was a mirror for Leia. They understood each other. Rahul and Yakov mirrored each other. Leia was the mirror image of As. But there was a huge difference. Asov avoided his exhaustion. He came back exhausted and he told Yakov, "Feed me. Stuff me." It doesn't say feed me. Stuff me. How do you know you're eating? Because you're exa because you're having attention, emotional tension. How you eat? When you eat with mindfulness, you never stuff yourself, right? You see the beauty in the piece of food. You make a braha. You eat with meditation. When I stuff myself, it's not about the food. It's about avoiding the discomfort I'm dealing with. The same is true with all other distractions. All other distractions, whether it's gossip, whether it's slander, whether it's work, whether it's being busy, I'm doing it. There's an urgency. Do do it now. RIGHT NOW, STUFF ME UP. That's why he's called. Who calls somebody because of the food? Cuz the lentils were red. Since your mother gave you red lentils, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE A RED. COME ON. THAT'S WHY HE'S CALLED ADAM. But that's the point. His eating, all of his stuff, they were basically distractions from his red, from his redness, from his intensity, from his tension. Leia could be the tremendous wife for Asaf because she could understand him. But ultimately Leia took a different path. She took her struggles and turned them into opportunities for unprecedented growth. She became Leia. But essentially Raul really can understand Jacob and conversely and Leia could really understand Asaf. So now when Asa Leia hears about this she's crying what is she crying it's not just she was hated just because she hates. What does that mean? Why does she hate As more than it means we only hate that which is part of us. Something that's you'll see you get annoyed with people who remind you of yourself. people who never remind you of yourself. Okay, they may have a challenge. If somebody has a spouse and your spouse, my spouse is triggering me. It's because it's it's my sunburn. It doesn't mean my spouse doesn't have issues. Doesn't mean my spouse not, but it means what's inside of me gets triggered the most. And it's it's an opportunity. As speaks to Leia from a deep place. She knows Asaf. Knew Leia. There's an element of Leia that she struggle with that she doesn't like and she must work it through because if she does not she can get stuck in that negativity. So now now as Leia is but because of that we have a two models. It's known as the saddak and the balva. Saddak balva doesn't mean somebody who's FFB and somebody who did return to Jud later in life. That's maybe technical. We're talking about the essential model. You can have f from birth and fund from birth. The model of a sadic is somebody who's channeling God's wisdom and energy in a in a more wholesome and direct way. The baluva is like I have to dig. That's why digs the wells because this relationship with I have to dig through the sand and the gravel and the dirt to find the water. I fail and stumble. fail and stumble sadist sadikister because I have to deal with things that need that get demolished that get demolished and nister also it's concealed I have to go deep inside of me so this is a tumultuous individual who battles the darkness and finds light inside of course Leia's soulmate was Asov not because people were trying to punish her this was essential to the system but here This is what happens. Asov never became that person. Unfortunately, Asov remained disconnected from himself. In fact, it even happened when he died. When he died, he was beheaded and his head was buried with his body not because that's the tragedy of Asov. In his source, he's very holy in his manifestation. He never manifested his holiness. That's the tragedy of so many people who struggle with darkness. If you go deep down, you will see that they're innocent. They're very pure. Sometimes they're more pure than others. And that's why they shut down so much. That's why they avoid dealing with it so much cuz they're so sensitive. They're so pure. Sometimes I see you talk to somebody and there's such a stone wall because they know that if they let you go in, they're going to sob for years. So they don't go there. Some of you know in your own relationships people who have built so many heavy walls because they're sensitive and they know once you penetrate that wall, oh my god, it's going to be very difficult. You think the Niagara Falls has a lot of water flowing? Wait till you penetrate his wall, oh my god, the tears are going to flow for who knows how long. So, we avoid it. It's much easier. It's not really easier. It's torturous. It's exhausting. We're always looking for another distraction until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You know what that means? And when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. And simply, you don't have no patience for it. You can't. I just don't want it anymore. It's too torturous. Am I going to live my whole life to live in this mask to impress a few people who will give me compliments? I'll feel good for like 29 seconds until the next distraction or will I finally go into flow? And even when I go into flow, there's always training for the next level and the next level. You peel one layer and then there's another layer and then one second. I worked so hard. You worked hard. Amazing. But you still didn't find your full light. God is not punishing you. He sent you to Normandy because you're going to defeat Hitler. The soldiers that went to Normandy weren't punished. They were skilled. They were amazing. They liberated Europe from Adolf Hitler. Everybody liberates the world through the challenges that they face. It's an incredible gift. But I need to be able to face it with compassion and take care of myself in the process. So now what happens is Rifka understands that Asov is not going to be doing his job as a partner to Yakov. Yakov representing the sadikim. As representing the baluva. So Rifka calls in Yakov and says Yakov you're going to have to do both. One day Asov will join. One day there will be complete unity in the world. But till that day you need to also put on as clothes and identify with Asov's struggles and become a model and a patriarch for every single type of soul. the struggling souls and the whole souls, the sadikim and the ballet. As is not there yet, you need to carry two mantles. The mantle of Yakov, the mantle of the Saddic and the mantle of the Baltuva. You need to be a father for both types of Jews. You need to be a father for both types of children. The Jew who's pure originally, and the Jew who struggles with skeletons. So, you need to dress up in the clothes of Asov. You need to tell your father, "I am Asov." You need to find within yourself the soul of Asov, the personality of Asov. Like when actors put on a uniform to be able to feel that identity. You need to be able to relate to Asov's struggle as a role model, as a father for that type of Jew. But you know what happens at that moment? The moment Jacob puts on layers Asov's garments and he goes into and he takes Asov's blessings and he says you know what happens at that moment who becomes Yakov who now becomes Yakov's soulmate >> Leia >> at that moment that Yakov assumes the identity of Asov he now acquires a new soulmate and that is Leia. So now he comes to he's working for Rahul. Rahul is his dream. Raal is his spouse. Rahul is the person that relates to him most and that's what do they call the two P's in the pond. They always said Yak is ra is the you is the sheep. Yakov is a sheep is there's a wholesomeness to it. It's not sly and shrewd and crude. Yosha sits in the tents. It's not a hunting animal. It's not a predator. It's Kev. It's very, very docil. There's a submissiveness there. There's an easygoingness there. It's light. It's light. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's that sadic. It's that child, you know, that easy smooth child. You hatch them, you match them, you dispatch them. And the only time the principal called you, the principal called you in 15 years was to tell you that she's going to be validictorian. That's the only time you got a call from the office. Only time. And then there's the kid usually twice a day there's a call for like 12 years straight. And so you have here now goes to and he's working with with and now love makes that switch in the morning. He sees Leia. He says, "Wow, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Why did you do this to me?" Leia responds. We thought she was responding with a snidey remark. You are the biggest liar of all. I'm just a student of yours. Really, she was giving a very profound message. My deception is a continuum of your story. I belong to Asaf. Ra belongs to Yakov. The moment you told your father you were Asov. You chose me as your wife. You chose me as your spouse. The Asov within you must marry Leia. Just like the Yakov within you is going to marry Rahul. Leia teaches Yakov the art of struggle. The ability to be able to find yourself easily hating so much of your life, easy, seeing all the complications and wanting to run and hide and becoming mediocre and avoid and CONFRONT AND FIGHT AND FLIGHT ALL OF THAT. And then to learn how to transform them into your light, into your love, into your greatness. Because only that will allow you to carry your destiny with grace and really own who you are. It's the right of passage. That is what gives you the right of passage to sever my bonds with everything that was toxic and holding me back and come out on the other side uninhibited, free in a very deep and regulated and authentic place. The darkness is not the destination. It's the path to your infinity. Leia is the shame that which made me exhausted in life becomes the deepest cause of your ultimate elation. But what's happening here and here it comes together is not just this is how it happens. Leia says this to Yakov. It's really an internal journey that happens in every person's life. Think about everybody's marriage. I can't say everybody's but think about a lot a lot of marriages, right? We look at this story, it's like what a weird story. Let's think again. I would say many marriages, maybe most marriages, I don't want to say all marriages cuz it's hard to say all, but let's face it, many, many marriages, you think you're marrying one person. You date, you have courtship, it's beautiful, it's exciting, whatever happened. And I think this is what the relationship is going to look like. That's the ra in your life. And then there is Leia. Leia is not the person I thought I was marrying. Leia is the person I actually married. Now what does that mean? That means then every person themselves in our own marriage with ourselves, we have it. There's my relationship with me in my mind. There's who I think I am and there's who I am. And sometimes it takes a lot a lot of work to get there. And ultimately to marry my ra I need to be able to marry my Leia. I will never really find my light if I'm not ready to look at my darkness. I will never be able to love Raul for real and embrace Rahul and be with Rahul. 238 V and there was light if I don't first make peace with the parts of me that become that are so exhausting and in it's it's really very literal in a marriage and it's incredible because there's the spouse the husband or the wife that we imagine and then there's the spouse of reality as life goes through and people see and things emerge and here is where it gets tested it's easy ra fits into my comfort zone challenges Excuse me. Somebody once said, "We don't love other people. We love our version of them." We don't love other people. We love our version of them. I have my VERSION OF THE OTHER PERSON. GREAT. IT FITS INTO MY comfort zone. Leia challenges me. So on one hand, I could say, "OH, I DON'T WANT THIS. I'M RUNNING. I'm running the other way." That's what a lot of people do. And sometimes it may be the right thing. Sometimes it may be the right thing. It's very, very sensitive topic. very sensitive. What can also happen and this is an incredible moment when it happens is when both a husband and a wife could say, "Wow, can we talk about that? Can I talk about that which is challenging me, which is scaring me, which is overwhelming me, which is making me exhausted? Can you talk about that?" Because what happens then is from that space, the connection that is created is indestructible. When you know how to connect in your link link in your weakest link that part of the marriage which should have torn you apart when you bring connection to that space to that vulnerable space where there is loneliness where there is fear where there is exhaustion where I feel criticized or I feel unsafe or I feel I can't trust you or I feel overwhelmed or I feel you don't just get it. We don't if we can really be present in that space and see what's behind it. what is it? And to be able to find the love that's over there, the fear that's over there, the yearning that's over there, the safety, the security that I've been searching for, the connection, the authenticity, and bring it together. And suddenly my darkness becomes not scary for the other person, but maybe an opportunity. And the other person's darkness becomes an opportunity for me. Suddenly, we work it through and we see what is really the gift over here. And then the connection becomes indestructible because this is a connection that permeates the person through and through and through. But it doesn't come without exhaustion. It doesn't come without a lot of a lot of work. So as a result of this when we appreciate this we get we hear see how this very medish about this conversation between Leia and Jacob in the morning it's all in that word. Who? Leia? He was Leia. Don't blame Leia. You're Leia. Why? Because you became Asov. That was your destiny. And the moment you became Asov. Who? Leia. You became the soulmate. You became the second half a husband and a wife are halves OF A SOUL. WHO? LEIA. HE'S LEIA. NOT JUST WHO LEIA that he lied. Just like Leia lied to him. He lied to his father. It's much deeper. Who? Leia. You are actually the SOULMATE OF LEIA. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENING. THAT'S WHAT LEIA WAS EXPLAINING to him. IT'S NOT I LIED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU LIED TO YOUR FATHER. NO, this is the process of how life develops. Indeed, the Yakov in you is going to marry Raal. The Asa in you marries Leia. And so he becomes the father of all of the souls of the Jewish people as we work through life. And we appreciate the fact that Asav and Yakov were two sides of the ultimate unity that then has to come together. It's not an easy struggle because Raul and Leia ultimately their children grow apart. This continues in later generations, right? Ysef is from Raul, Bin Yammen is from Rahul. The other brothers are from the other person. It's not so easy. It's not easy because there's a deep tension here and ultimately ultimately there's two different streams ra and leia and I need to be able to embrace both to the point where it's fascinating and this is what we conclude with who is Yakov buried with >> Leia not with Rahul it seems a little cruel he's buried with Leia almost 4,000 years 3,600 100 years it's Jacob and Leia in the cave ra is buried somewhere there's a reason for it ra wanted to be buried there the famous story ravak when they go into exile but what really what there's really a very deep message here okay and you'll see it in every wedding and every single wedding there's a custom called badkinish badin what's bad we veil the bride why do we veil the bride one of the reasons is because Leia was veiled so yakov didn't see If there wouldn't have been a veiling, Yakov would say, "Yep, it's Leia." He had to wait till the morning. So, we veil the bride. One second. Does that make sense? Shouldn't we unveil the bride at every wedding so we don't go through this disaster again? You know, under the ku when he puts the finger when he puts the ring on her finger, right? You many of you remember he didn't see the kala. The kala didn't see him. She was veiled. And in some circles, it's a really thick veil. What's I don't understand. He should take over the veil and make sure not somebody else. >> I understand before but not during. >> So what's funny? No. Look at him. Look at her. What are you trying to replicate it? But this is really the this is the core of the story. The core of the story is what Yakov learns is that it was the Leia elements of his spouse that were really meant for him to be able to become the person he was supposed to become. And ultimately in life, Raul passed away early. He lived most of his years with with Leia. Ultimately, in other words, emotionally, the two sisters become one. It turns out that the layer elements of one's husband or one's wife, if they're ready to do the work, they're not always ready to do the work, but if they're ready to do the work, it comes out that that was meant for me to become the person I was supposed to become. And that was meant for the for Leia to become the person she's supposed to become. And therefore, the bad when we took the bad, you know what we're really saying? We're saying something very deep. And that is I'm not only ready to marry the parts of you that I see now. I'm ready to marry the parts of you that I can't see now. They're going to come out later. Maybe I won't even always be aware of them. But I'm ready to be in a relationship with the parts of you that I don't see. And the only way I can say that to you is if I could say it to myself. I'm ready to build a relationship with the parts of me that I don't see. because it's the parts of me that I don't see that will be able to connect with the parts of you that you don't see and that I don't see because those are the parts that are very deeply connected in a very mysterious way. And if we could make room for that, that's where true wholeness is created. The true magic and mystery of love is created there. Have a wonderful week.