Why So Many Men Feel Like They're Failing (Even When They Aren't)

When a man will give emotional energy to a woman, meaning he gives her his focus, his time, his attention, she takes that, if it's given sensitively and caringly and carefully, she takes that energy. She becomes, so to speak, emotionally impregnated with that energy and then she ends up processing it and giving birth to enough positive energy to fill the home. Man does not and cannot fill a home with positive energy, but he can fill his wife with that positive energy. And then she turns around and exudes enough positive energy to make the home a warm, loving, safe place for everyone. So now you understand the giver, the recipient. All right? So here's the deal. Once you understand giver, recipient properly, you understand that not only is the recipient not passive, but the recipient is also a giver. And in fact, the recipient is an even bigger giver than the giverg giver. That's why men feel insecure because whether they know it or they don't know it, but intuitively, subconsciously, there's a certain awareness that ultimately my whole identity as masculine party to this relationship is that I'm a giver. And yet, anything I give her properly give her, she will turn around and give it back in upgraded fashion. So, she's a bigger giver. If my whole definition, my whole identity is being a giver, but she's a bigger giver. So then what am I? The one thing in which I distinguish myself, she outshines me. The existential source, like I said, uh of of of masculine insecurity. All right? So, and and you understand why I say existential because this this is true in every situation. Like there are situations where a man is insecure, but not because he's insecure as a man. He's just an insecure person. you know, someone who's egotistical or petty and it feels uh, you know, jealous. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about something that irregardless of the individual personalities of the man or of the woman, irregardless of the situation they might may find themselves in, this is a constant. It's just a truth. It's unavoidable. That's why I call it an existential uh truth. Okay. So then what can be done to avoid this? So here's the thing. A man has to understand that actually his value and what makes him indispensable is not that he's a giver. Even though I just got through saying masculinity is the giver and femininity is the recipient. We already established that femininity's type of being a recipient is an even greater giver than than the giver. The unique value of masculinity is not that he's a giver. She's a bigger giver. The unique value of masculinity is that he gives first. He's an initiator. is an initiator to the extent that if he does not initiate the process she can do nothing she cannot give that infinite upgrade she can do nothing there's a question in the Talmud the sages say when the poor man comes to the house and asks for a loaf of bread the woman of the house is home and she gives the poor man a loaf of bread who is more charitable the man who went out we're talking about you know traditional gender roles here trigger warning the man who went out and made the money and went to the market and bought the flower and brought home the sack of flour to his wife or the woman who took the flour and kneaded it with water, made it into dough, put it in the fire of the the oven and and baked it into bread. So, Talmud says that it's the woman because you can't eat flour. Now, by the same token, you can't make bread without flour. But the bottom line is that which has value, actual value, not potential value, but actual value is the bread. Can't eat flour. By the way, you could, god forbid, die of mal malnutrition by eating flour. The same flour that if you mix it with water and fire, it's an interesting concept that flour itself has no nutritional value because you can't metabolize it. But then you mix it with water and fire which have zero nutritional value. Water has no nutritional value. Water is to move the nutrients around. But water has no nutrients and fire. Fire has no nutrients. But you mix the flour with the water and the fire which have no nutrients. And now the body can absorb the nutrients from the flour as as as bread. At any rate, the point is this. what she does has much more value, incomparably more value, because the poor man can't eat flour. He he eats bread. But, and here's what you have to understand, men, she can't make bread if he doesn't bring home the flour. Now, you're going to say, "This is very boring. Who who who's baking bread over here? I go to the store. I buy a loaf of bread." It's a metaphor. Talk about emotional energy. She delivers something that's of much more usefulness than what he delivers. He's abstraction. She's practicality, concrete, like actually running a home. But, but here's what you have to understand, men and women, you have to understand this, that if the man doesn't bring it in the first place, if he doesn't initiate, if he doesn't make that opening move, then she's got nothing to work with. She's got no more she's got no more raw materials to work with. So, she's just, you know, what am I supposed to do over here? So men have to understand your primary value in the marriage in the masculine feminine relationship is as the initiator as making the first move. Now conversely I want to say to women please be smart. Please don't be dumb. Dumbest thing a woman can do is shut down her man's opening move. Because when he's trying to bring it, when he's trying to initiate, if you, you know, kind of wrinkle your nose at it, he'll shut down. Cuz no man is going to put himself out there and be humiliated. He'll just shut it down and, you know, either give somewhere else where he feels that what he's giving is appreciated or just not give and just, you know, shut down. Uh but the main thing men have to understand, initiate. initiate. It can be something so small. I spoke about this in another place and a bunch of women got mad and they were commenting, "You're teaching men how to breadcrumb." I never knew that term before. It's a verb, breadcrumb. Breadcrumbming, like giving your wife just a tiny amount. You know what? You want to be triggered? Go ahead. Or you want to learn something? I'm inviting you for an opportunity to learn something. Okay? I'm not telling men to breadcrumb. I'm not telling men figure out the bare minimum amount of attention you can get away with giving your wife. Right? That's not what I'm saying. God forbid. What I'm saying to men is I'm encouraging men and women, if you want to judge this, you can judge this, but you're not helping yourself by by by jumping down my throat and and telling me that I shouldn't give this advice to men when this actually improves marriages that men often think it's it's too much of a tall order. I can't bring it. I don't have enough energy. I don't have they get intimidated before they even start. Men have to know it's actually not that much of a tall order. Just give her attention. Just ask her how her day was and actually listen and care. And you don't even have to offer any answers or solutions to her problems. Just listen until she feels truly heard. And then you want to know something that that investment that you made. And people got mad at me when I used this in another place. Oh, you're making it transactional. Not making it transactional. This is not a business. This is building a home together. Okay? An investment doesn't have to be transactional. You know, if if you plant a tree for future generations that you're never going to eat from, that's also an investment. You take the seed, you put it in the ground, and you wait for something much bigger to come back much later. That's also an investment. The word investment is not inherently a dirty word. At any rate, if men make that emotional investment, a true one, not not manipulative, not as a strategy, but truly truly truly make that opening move when you come through the door. Focus on her. Ask her how her day was. Bring her a a tea or a a cold seltzer, whatever she enjoys. Tell her to put her feet up and just listen to her. That investment that you're making is going to come back into your home in an upgraded fashion which you as a man can never muster on your own. It's impossible. Just like you as the man can't get pregnant and have the babies even if you want to. Okay. So, this is an emotional pregnancy. It's pregnancy with with with emotional energy. So men, please understand your primary value and what makes you unique and what will always make you indispensable is your ability to initiate. Initiating means walk through the door and instead of trying to get from her, trying to get attention, trying to get validation, resist that desire and just give and just give, give and give and give. I promise you that what you will build together when you take initiative is far greater than what either of you could build on your