Why Should I Give People the Benefit of the Doubt?

there are three words in parshas condition that seemed quite straightforward and simple and yet contain an extraordinary message and perspective on life that I wish to address with you today the passage says the verse says in Leviticus 1915 Valkyrie you test test of parakeet as positive of purchase condition but Zedeck tishbite a moussaka translated literally with justice shall you judge your friend your fellow human being the meaning of this words of these words is explained by the sages by the Casal to contain two interpretations the Gomora the Talmud in mrs. Lewis nephelometer Act H mu is page 30 gives two different interpretations to these words one is it's a message addressed to judges the people who are in positions who have to judge leaders of Courts lawyer judges dhyanam shaved him etc but said the Kurdish Potamus akka is an injunction injunction to judge people with justice and that includes not just not to corrupt the law which the toyota warns against in other places but it includes even subtleties as the Gomorrah explains don't have one person two people come to court you have a you have the litigant you have the defendant you have the travail you have the nipple you the one who is demanding the one who's being accused don't allow one person to stand and one person to sit don't greet one person warmly and the other person called ly don't allow one person to give a long presentation and the other one you say we're in a rush make it fast all of these types of behaviors even though you don't see any explicit corruption he's sitting he's standing but what it does is it creates an atmosphere with that we there's a lack an absence of complete balance and equality and it undermines the law of but said that if I Tommy settle when two people come for judgment you may implore you must employ the highest levels of Justice said ik righteousness what we would call fear Ness complete fairness between two sides uh one has a reputation it's always the highway right one guy has a reputation and the other one is the saint of the generation the saint of Muncie but the moment you fall into that trap you're not eligible to judge people with fear Ness that's one interpretation another interpretation says the Gemara is that this verse is an injunction to every person not just two judges who have to make decisions and arbitrate but at every single human being and uses the famous expression which is also found in Pirkei avos but said that Trish Berta Misaka means have a done as Kaveri kulikov scoffs judge your friend righteously we're always judging people because we're always interacting with people we judge them consciously and unconsciously we exhaust them we judge them explicitly and we judge them intuitively we judge them in very premeditated ways and we just judge them off with instinct instantaneously but we're always forming opinions and verdicts about people right even if you're sitting at a shear the person sitting near you you're forming opinions about them especially if they're there every single week year and a half probably quite developed opinions you could say hi now to the person near you and so so the Gemara says have a done as call a heavy darkness covere kulikov SCO's judge of this person but zedek meritoriously what we would say we would call it and give them the benefit of the doubt judge them in a positive but said that with justice with righteousness from the word said their cancer duck Rashi on commish quotes both interpretations meaning both lend themselves both are included in the literal meaning over the words or Ashley's focus as always depress out the literal interpretation so on the words but said that ish Patel mr. Harris's Kym Marsh Mari the first meaning is the literal meaning judge people with justice that's when you're judging people dov'è rocker another interpretation is have a doneness kuvira kulikov SCO's judge your fellow human being judge your friend your colleague your relative the person near you physically or conceptually lakopolous in a meritorious in a meritorious fashion now the first interpretation is quite clear what it means that the judge more than anybody else must be scrupulous in how fear and just an appropriate and moral and ethical he behaves in the courtroom and in the entire relationship with both parties or as many parties as he's dealing with throughout the entire case when it comes to the second interpretation it's a little more ambiguous what does this mean to judge people meritoriously what does it practically mean in a person's in a person's life why does the traitor say but said that fish but I myself what what is the reason it is does the person deserve it is it just a nice thing to do is about is it about you is it about them first I want to address the benefits of it the benefits besides it being a mitzvah it also has three tremendous benefits one is internally the effect on people psychologically when you see somebody doing something or somebody saying something and you give them the benefit of the doubt meaning they are really innocent and they're trying to do the best they can and they're doing things the way they know how to do them using the tools they have intellectual emotional and social what that does is you usually become a less frustrated person there are people who are always annoyed with other people they're always complaining about other people they're genuinely annoyed they're genuinely frustrated they snap they're upset how could she say this how can he say this how can they do this it's unbelievable it's unfathomable where were they educated they're not human they don't live on this planet how do people act this way people who come home from weddings from bar mitzvahs from Chevy breakfast and from Britain from shul from Dominic from the office from the workplace from the supermarket and they really put into bad moods because there's always somebody and something to complain about when you learn to judge people meritoriously meaning you may see it differently you may know better this person really thinks they're innocent they really think they're doing the right thing maybe because of ignorance maybe because of lack of wisdom maybe because of lack of experience maybe because of lack of tools maybe because of their own story whatever it is you are not meant as a result in a much calmer place emotionally number one number two there's a second benefit when I judge people positively I can actually repair the situation much more effectively meaning if you're really bothered by somebody's behavior oh by what somebody said to you or to somebody else and you really bothered what do you think is the most effective way to eliminate the damage or to eliminate behavior that is similar to this if you judge them positively or you judge them negatively think about yourself if somebody comes over to you and says you know you're such a good person you're such a kind person I really appreciate XYZ about you do you mind if I mention something most people if they're healthy and functional will say sure even if you don't mean it but you'll say sure right it's always nice to hear a compliment and then when they say you I think you told this and this to somebody and they may have been insulted I think maybe it would be nice to call them up or or send them an email or try to make amends or you did so and so or you invited this one II didn't invite this 20 it made such a comment it's much more likely that the person will listen to it and absorb it what happens if somebody comes over to you and says you know I always knew you were a witch I always knew you were a mock Schaefer in fact you should go into the Guinness Book of World Records as the greatest one of the century and just to prove it look what you did yesterday shabbos by your own simcha or by my simcha what will happen in most cases you will completely dismiss the person either by just walking away and getting even more upset that now you have what the harbor for the next ten and a half years or you may even tell them you may even become extremely defensive critical of them or very defensive of you but one thing is for sure it's very difficult to internalize their words so that means strategically if you are really bothered by somebody's behavior what is the best way to react by judging them favorably so it's an interesting thing most people don't all people don't always realize this your your your passions have been stirred your heart is simmering you're beyond yourself you're upset your emotions out all over the place anybody he relates your emotions are all over the place you can't believe that your husband said this you can't believe that your sister-in-law said is you can't believe your mother-in-law said this you can't believe your employer said this your employee said does your brother said this you're sure again I said already sure yet but that could be twice maybe your niece your nephew whatever it is your father your mother your relative your friend your collie the person near you you can't believe it you're a ghost you're a gust you would never do such a thing if you actually care and you actually are seeking repair take on the best most effective strategy is give them the benefit of the doubt because then your approach to them will be far more refined and respectful and most people will then be able to accept it some people can't accept that ever but most people will be able to accept it you know I get a lot of feedback and my work I get a lot of feedback and Jews are not always complimentary not always yeah I don't know where you live but in my neck of the woods they're not always complimentary they're sometimes critical sometimes and I see it within myself sometimes a person will write me an email or come over to me and be extremely harsh and accusatory and will say you know what you're doing is horrible and you're I'm not even gonna elaborate on different nice things that I've heard from people but and then and by the way look what you did again look what you said again I have to work on it but my instinct is I can't take this person seriously but if a person on the other hand gives me or won anybody the benefit of the doubt even if I made a mistake or a genuine mistake even a serious mistake it's much easier emotionally our psyche psyche doesn't have to put on a bulletproof a bullet proof vest because the person is not shooting it's really when somebody comes with a gun shooting at you and let's face it how high in my mother's Brianna Larson the tongue as the Navi says dear Mia says could be hate it could be a hates could be an arrow if the person is shooting arrows I got to put on a shield once I lift up that shield nothing is coming in even if the person is saying something beneficial and productive it's not passing but if the person is not shooting bullets if the person actually is expressing concern with empathy with affection with sensitivity with respect even if there's a disagreement it's much easier for me to hear another side and therefore actually correct it that's a second tremendous benefit of judging people favorably rather than negatively and then there's a third component which is spear metaphysical so the first one is it's simply a calm or life people who don't think the whole world is evil and everybody besides them as Meshuga and narcissistic live a happier calmer life when we realize people are different perspectives different experiences different ways they behave everybody's just doing things with the tools that they were given I have my tools you have your tools you don't have my tools I don't have your tools I live a calm or life you live a much calmer life a more serene life especially family families and in tight-knit communities people don't see things the same way we wear different glasses with different prescriptions not just physically but even more mentally and emotional number two if I actually want to fix it it will be much more effective if I give you the benefit of the doubt instead of feeling that you are a maliciously bad person if I think you're a bad person the way I speak to you will usually distance you and no positivity will come out of it usually but there's a third component and this has to do with a very powerful and moving interpretation of the baal shem tov ribosome Baal Shem Tov who once said as follows it says in Pirkei avos the fryin monado me Dietary Vishal a midnight heaven exact payment from a person consciously and unconsciously what does that mean so he explained it by professing another mission of the mission it says a person should always see three things a stack of bush lights at varam this week spirit and the three things are dah may I in BA saw or Natalja relief anemia tousle attendant of a freshman know where you're coming from know you're going and know before whom you are destined to give add in and a freshman and this is a very famous expression that took root in the Jewish language Russian Kurdish you have to give a Denver hash but think about the two words din and Hirshman what comes first what does did mean a verdict add-in is the judgment this is the final event what does Hodgman mean calculation they are counting what comes first the husband or the didn't of course the freshmen then they did you do the accounting just like when you're an accountant are you doing an accounting of your own financial status or situation you make the freshmen and then is the din as the summation is the final verdict the result of the entire judgment why does the Mishnah sale if anemia to us Utley tained in and then hashman now you would think what's the big deal husband and then but it's not the word the expressions of the sages are very precise they're very meticulous they said dinner and encouragement they could have easily said with Nemea toss and little hairs been vadim and it would have been very clear so the baal shem tov gave the following very very powerful interpretation in life it's quoted in lakota Maharani by his great-grandson rebbe nachman of breslov who was the great-grandson of the baal shem tov and in his safe will aku team Aharon he quotes this teaching from his grandfather the holy baal shem tov and the teaching is as follows and really as we will see its explicit almost explicit in the Tanakh as he think he points out over there from that mistake the baal shem tov said that when a person lives when we when we are alive every day we have the opportunity to pass judgment on people you're driving on the 59 right somebody comes from the left lane into the right lane yeah you look out the window you happen to know this yagna and you pass judgment if you don't know certainly you could pass judgment you're in the store you pass judgment I'm in the cleaners wherever I am you meet people and I'm not talking about premeditated conscious calculations and judgment but you know the blink there's a German expression spits in finger you fill spits Infinia you fill the feeling at the tip of your finger we call it an English the sixth sense it's almost instinctively we pass judgment this one is this this one is that this one is this this one is that on ourselves of course that's the first person we don't stop passing judgment on especially if you're Jewish and of course on everybody else your children your spouse never mind and the tape they did I wanted to say tape recorder but I realize it's all over Shalom the the mp3s all of our Shalom what's now the cloud the cyberspace or the CD it plays in the brain constantly and all judgments you know old habits die hard all judgments die hard so the baal shem tov said why is life orchestrated this way because when a Jew comes to heaven on the day of accounting he or she is not judged rather they are shown a life they're showing a life of a completely different person with different incidents and different stories and different experience and they ask this Jew why don't you judge this person and every person gives a judgment and then they say ah that's the din now let's make a catchable and the freshman shows that everything the person judged about the other person was really a judgement for themselves because every incident in a different way played itself out in their own life which means when we walk around the world judging people who are we judging we're not judging other people we're judging ourselves everything I see is mirrored in one way or another in my own life subtly I don't always make the links and the connections but it's a link so my judgment of another person is essentially a judgment of me that's why it doesn't say has been within first you always make it in you judge and then they make a Hegeman that this din applies to you that's why it says nephron monogamy diet official immediately we exact payments from a person consciously and unconsciously consciously because I'm the one who decides my fate unconsciously I think I'm this in your fate really I'm deciding my fate so it's conscious I'm giving a very conscious judgment but it's unconscious because I think I'm deciding you where you're going really I'm only deciding where I'm going as they say when I point one finger at you at that very same moment if you could see my fist I am pointing four fingers at my self because whenever I point a finger essentially I'm highlighting where I am much more than where you're where you are when I judge somebody it's not a judgment on you it's much deeper judgment on me what do I know about you what do you know about me anybody knows anything about anybody else how much do we know about other people even people themselves don't know much about themselves how much are you self-aware how much are you really self-aware sometimes it takes years to become self-aware even in a minimal sense so I really know me I know you now I know a few external things and I put it into my box and my imagination I know it's really a reflection of me much more than it's a reflection on you they say there was once a Jew who went to the Louvre museum in Paris and he went to one of the most expensive art galleries the section of the Mona Lisa and other great pieces of art and he considered himself a great connoisseur a great art expert and he's looking at these pieces of art with this you know suspicious demeanour so the museum curator comes over them and says ma tovarisch what are you looking at he says I'm trying to see if these pieces of art are really as good as they make them out to be and why some of them are worth fifty million dollars one hundred million dollars three hundred million dollars some of them are priceless I'm trying to understand the man looks at him and says listen let me tell you something these pieces of art here are not on judgment at the moment you are so when I judge another person I'm judging me I'm judging myself where do you see this already in the Navi Davi ramela has a whole story with Basava when it's finishes nos and Hanavi the Prophet comes to the king of the Jewish people and in Judaism nobody is above the law one of the revolutions that Judaism introduced into the world that nobody is above the law which was a novel idea because there was always somebody who's above the law the king the demigod the Pharaoh etc and you described nobody is above the law and the Prophet could speak truth to power this was a revolutionary notion just for its good to acknowledge nussin Hanavi the prophet of the time comes to the king and a king then wasn't what we call a king now more ceremonial you go to Denmark or England it's more ceremonial the king was the king the king the monarch had absolute power but nonetheless in Judaism nobody ultimately is above the law not moisture obey no and not over Tamela everyone is indebted to God to the moral conscience and naasson comes to double and he said I want to tell you a story remember this story there was a poor man who had one sheep that's all he owned and there was a wealthy man who needed to feed his guests and what did he do he went and he fetched he snatched away the sheep from this poor man to be able to slaughter it for his guests this a for poor man had only one thing he had one sheep the wealthy man at everything he had money and wealth and animals and livelihood and fields and assets and yet when he needed the sheep he went and he took it away from the poor man and the poor man was left with nothing what's the verdict and oven hemella was so furious at this rich man he said that's a death penalty and no sin Hanavi told him two words otto ha Esh you're that man you're that man you see what happened he could have said to him why do you do what you did he didn't do that he told him a story a different story and he had dovid decide who he is and when dovid realized that of it said one word courtesy I sent courtesy large semi sind which was dove it's great moment of it's great credit but why did not sooner have to do this his way he could have come into dominance they dove it what you did was extremely was absolutely wrong in him more on the sea I said he didn't do it that way he had dove it defined what he did and the reason is one is educational and one has to do with the very core of human existence there's no education like the education in which you help people answer their own questions great educators and teachers never answer questions they help people find the answer to their questions within themselves because those are the only real answers in life answers that somebody else gives you are never genuine answers the real role of the greatest teachers leaders and mentors is never to give people answers it's to help people find within themselves the answer to that question because the foundation of Judaism is that within every soul you have the answer to your questions because your soul is divine all I can do is somebody else can do is serve as a good tour guide to point out where to look where not to look how to get there that's the meaning of the pasta quiche Mabini Musa Reviva alta Tosh Tyra C Mecca and Michelin proverbs listen my son to the rebuke of your father and don't abandon the tire of your mother why this change your father gives you Moo sir your mother teaches you Torah by your father it says listen to his muster by your mother it says don't abandon the tire of your mother why not Schmo Benny Moosa revealed Musa Romero or Sh'ma Billy Tyrus of exhibitors in mecca or Sh'ma Benny Moosa revealed over Tyrus America your mother doesn't teach you like your father teaches in the young formative years our mother communicates with a try far more than a father often later years as well what is this change and the answer is there's two different types of teachings this is the teaching of MU sir and there's the teaching of Tyra one is from the father one is from the mother one is somebody teaching you things that you don't know and you need to know and the other is teaching you that which you already know and that's the difference between the father and the mother Taurasi massa the Terrier of your mother's the terrier you learned in the womb of your mother you don't have to hear it you know it all we say is Alta tourist area Samantha don't let go of that which you know in the wall who's this that's the real toy is the tiger that when you hear it you were ready know deep down that you knew it already and here is a principle in life whenever you hear terror how do you know it's authentic Tyra how do you distinguish between authentic Tyra and Bubba mice is not authentic Tori authentic Taylor you already knew it resonates it shre it's the chords of your souls violin that are sensitive they detect the authenticity of its because it resonates deeply in you because you're already learnt it in the womb of your mother but I'll teeters Terris email when something resonates I know this is real because I know what it ready the real teacher never teaches anything new he brings out to actualization that which you know deep down in your heart that's what you know deep down in your soul this doesn't mean it's not challenging but it means it's not superimposed it's it's it's internal so therefore how did I get into mu sorry I forgot mm Ella nussin doesn't want to tell Dovid what he did he wants dove it Estelle dovid what he did I don't want to tell you what you did I want you to tell you what you did that's a different type of communication but there is something much deeper and that is nobody judges any other person every person judges himself and the reason is and this is a fascinating idea that nobody even the greatest angels in the heavenly Court don't have a power don't have the power to tell a Jew way to go the only one who can tell you where to go is who yourself so even the Rabine you're shallow and you come to heaven then you go here you go there now nobody could tell you only you could tell you in ago and the reason is because the human being is a reflection of infinity and therefore just as God is invincible Aeneas emulation you see the helical akame Mao nobody can control it it is absolutely uninhibited and free they can't even tell you to go you know where even though they want no the only one who could send you into purgatory or paradise is you yourself it's true in that world it's also true in this world if you only recognize who you really are and that's why the of it nothing I love II can't tell dove it love it has two-tailed of it but this is true with every person with Lamia totsied latane Denver Hodgman so the way we react to other people is always a reflection of the way we're reacting to ourselves when you treat yourself with compassion you can treat others with compassion when you're treating others with harshness it looks like you're treating others with harshness trust me you're much more miserable than anybody else I treat you with harshness because that's my only language it's my only language of communication to myself I'm much more judgmental of me than I'm mental of any other person judgmental people are first and foremost miserable with themselves you could see it they may not show it but deep inside they're living with so much toxicity with so much poison so of course when they relate to other people this is the only language they know how to relate to and therefore it has to do with how I judge myself and then has to do with how God judges me these are the three great benefits of fulfilling they have a Donna scholar autumn lock off schools to give people the benefit of the doubt to treat them with compassion to judge them meritoriously rather than negatively when I have the choice this way or this way I once heard from the famous composer of schlemiel acaba who once shared that he traveled he was travelling to the Holy Land and on the way he stopped in Amsterdam for Shabbos and he went to Davin in the big shoal in Amsterdam and he was a great composer and a great musical talent many of you know a lot of his songs his songs are he was a very very talented person and a spiritual eyes he had his very spiritual soul and he comes to show Shabbos morning and he's in the back he's a guest he takes a seat in the back and he starts darling and suddenly he hears the Cantor the Kazin - Leo sibour the Cantor going over and starts Davin aloud and he's very upset first of all the man is skipping words second the man can't carry a tune third the man has a horrible voice so what's the first thought he must be the man who pays the bills in the show and he loves hearing himself sing there are such people so he buys his way to the stander he buys his ticket to become the Cantor and we all have to suffer and he's already getting and this is of course a given and he's getting outraged how a shul is ready to sell its soul for money it's God that soul it's darvany just because somebody is a supporter and has a couple of dollars never saw the mayor the day is not a reason to sell the whole experienced a person simply can't do it and he's so frustrated he says I said I'm not davon in here he goes to a nearby room you know the shoals have smaller rooms and he daven's there himself he doesn't want to be part of this corruption of this politics but he wants to hear the reading of the terror for that you need a minion he can do it himself so by Korea cetera when they're about to read the terror he comes back to hear the Korea cetera he comes back to show and they opened up the or encourage the Ark and they took out the Taira and he gets on line to kiss the tire and he sees the cousin holding the tire walking to the demon but he's not walking himself two people are holding him up two people are holding up with a thousand and he's holding the safer tiger he's walking to the Bema social emailer turns to somebody near him and says who is this Kanter who is this he says you don't know who this house in US this is the blind cousin he says the blind cousin who is he says the cousin of lodge you never heard of the housing of lodge was the cousin of Lodge Lodge was of course one of the great and powerful and glorious Jewish communities in pre-war Poland and large had a great rule the great jewel of Lodge and had a great Cantor and a beautiful choir as well and he was the cousin of Lodge who had this choir of 40 children in pre-war Poland he and all of his children were taken to Auschwitz he was with those children until they were separated and they were sent to the gas chambers and to the crematoriums he was allowed to live in order to entertain the SS who appreciated music and a good voice but he suffered he was tortured and he was blind he was blinded and in the process in the process his vocal cords were also damaged and for years we asked him to davon he says I can't davon I don't have the same voice I haven't seen a prayer book in so many years I can't davon this Albus he agreed this Shabbos he agreed to Davin as a blind cousin and he is the one who's holding the tire social Imola said you can imagine how I felt I was thinking to myself this corrupt man who pays his way to get there stand there and really the story was completely different so he says the man who came by with a safe attire so he kissed to save it there and then he kissed the person so the man felt somebody kissed him he said to somebody named who just kissed me and said schlemiel acaba said ah sly Malek Alba I love your music and he gave me back his soul and he said he canceled his ticket to Israel to remain a few days with the cousin of Lodge and here the musical story of the choir and the Jewish community and lodge before the Germans devastated it and destroyed it there's a book I once read by Stephen Covey the seven Habits of Highly Effective People and he says that Sunday morning he was once on a train and everybody was very calm you know Sunday morning people are less stressed this one was reading the newspaper this one was doing what are they do the puzzles ah crossword puzzles yeah one of the great one of the great involvement of people and this one is reading a book and this one is snoozing with somebody and there's a father with a bunch of kids who are absolutely rowdy and wild and aggressive they're running all over the place they're screaming they're hollering to the point that they're pulling people's newspapers away they're stripping into people they're fooling into people and he says I was annoyed and everybody was annoyed we were really irritated and when it kept on happening again and again I finally took the courage I turned to the father respectfully and I say you know people are here they're relaxing they're reading don't you think it would be appropriate for you to tame in your kid to control your kids because they're really behaving inappropriately and he said it very nicely and respectfully but he said the facts and the father who was like in a daze looked up and he said you know you're quite right you're quite right I think they're out of it I'm also out of it their mother just died an hour ago we're all coming back from the hospital she just died and they probably don't know what to do with themselves and their emotions just like I don't know what to do with myself and my emotions and he says at that moment all I could feel is shame shame because the facts didn't change they were still schlepping away people's newspapers and irritating the living daylights out of everybody but the story was a completely different story instead of being irritated now I was just full of inner shame but also full of compassion and I asked is there anything I can do for you this is what we call paradigm shifts I once went into a bagel shop and to Drew who was giving me a bagel or whatever the salad I don't want to say I ordered a bagel I ordered salad I don't want you to stop coming but it was a bagel shop so we were schmoozing I was waiting there for the order so we were schmoozing he's a youthful yerushalayim and Jerusalem Jews are very special they have a certain character to them that other Jews don't have it's very interesting your shall I am Eden just like of a different you know Jerusalemites they're made of a different fabric of something in the DNA is a little different both in terms of cynicism in terms of humor in terms of their perspective interesting people say tells me says I want to tell you something his mother died from a stroke suddenly and she had eleven children she was a young lady she died Arif circus Arab circus they sat Shiva for a few minutes after the burial and that was a Cheevers over Yom Tov is MARSOC the ship it's over there are whole circus together 11 kids with a widower in Yerushalayim and is through two days at one day after Yom Tov they after Schmidty had Saracen foster in Israel it's one day they're going to the cemetery they have a minute to do a comma smart saver after the Shiva to put up the Mott saver fast they're going to the cemetery to put up the Mott saver of their mother 11 kids little kids with the father they didn't own a car they took a bus start standing at one of the egg at bus stops a father with 11 children it's true Oh are your shall I ma he'd is walking by you know slowly he's walking probably goes to the cars on the way to the coastal or on the way somewhere else one of these old New Jerusalem Jews who's doing this for many years he walks by and he dish I say it in your dish because he told us the menu dish and then I'll translate he says kinder live he's gonna get battle site Agins hoy el amor y ed Madhav's is right the game for violin kids not enough trip so hello my your tuchus now he's still gonna waste your time and go on more trips and slap your father sites again he receive him without gaining you Shiva time to go back to school and he walks on he moves on he moves on and this boy who was a young boy at the time I think he was 11 he told me I think he was 11 or 10 at the time he said he just realized and he made a decision that moment that before he knows he will never open his mouth and I told them I give you credit most people would make a decision that moment that the world is an evil place most people would make a decision that moment that nobody can be trusted but you instead of internalizing his message and allowing it to traumatize you you actually turned his message into a springboard for extraordinary growth you said I know what it feels like and therefore I will not do it to somebody else which is essentially a paradigm shift in the way a person deals with negative experiences that happen to you 17 times does the terrorists say you should love ba half the massager you should love the foreigner the refugee the person who's not from here the person who came from another country from another place the gayer the convert literally the convert or the convert as the refugee the phony why he gave him a youths embarrassment sir I am because you were foreigners in Egypt what's the connection the connection is you know what it feels like to be mistreated because you're a minority because you're different because you don't fit into the clique so what was God telling the Jewish people there's two ways how you could respond to your own pain that you had in Egypt one is you were abused you abuse others you were afflicted you afflict others those who were hurt sometimes hurt others because this is the language they know but what I want you to do is something else make a conscious decision to say to yourself I was hurt and therefore I know what people need so much more than other people and I will make sure to use this experience to know how to treat a foreigner a convert a guerre appropriately a whole different perspective and this is what I told them I said this is what I see in you it's fascinating and that you were 11 years old and you can internalize it that way sometimes people need 20 years of therapy for this as an 11 year old you said wow I know what not to do that's an extraordinary moment so this is all included in those words of the sages have a darkness color other malakhov shows we really don't know for you making a sheva brachot this is a different experience than for your sister making ever brothers it's in small things and it's and big things it's being seeing people on our bust kids on the bus stop after istra cog when when life is supposed to become not fun again and they're having fun for the rest of their life because they just bury their mother or on a subway or a thousand and show no you never know I once saw and sure somebody taking out an iPhone in the middle of Hazara sir shots and I got very irritated in my mind I got very irritated a few weeks later was my wife's due date so I told her I'm going to show mm so she said leave your cell phone on and check every two minutes to see if I didn't send that text that we have to go to the hospital so middle of kazaar such shots I took out the phone and I said whoops interesting he's probably looking at me and thinking the same thing this doesn't justify people's wrong behavior what it means is when I look at somebody I have the choice of how to tell the story and when I tell the story in a positive way I'm not being naive I'm actually being much more realistic because if I want him to change by telling the story in a positive way I will be more effective so you think by being positive you're being naive by being negative you're being realistic is the other way around first of our being negatively becoming a bitter frustrated person and everybody will see especially your kids and grandkids will not want to be around you second of all you'll repair it third of all that's how we're judged the way we judge others live in a Miata acid lateen Denver Cashman there's a story in my surface shabbos the Talmud says the Gomorrah says in tractate Chavez page 127 be tough cook of Zion Ahmed Bayes it's two stories quite extraordinary stories but they tell us how our sages viewed this phenomenon in human relations my supper or the mascot there was a person who needed par no sir he lived in Galilee Leon he lived in the Upper Galilee of the Holy Land right up north and he went down to Durham he went down to the south and he employed himself at a balla bus at somebody who owned a lot of property for three years for three years he needed to support his family Erev Yom Kippur he turns to his boss's employer and he says Tenley's sorry the a lick of Awesomeness Easter you Bona give me my wages for three years of work so I can go feed and nurture my wife and my children so what life was like oh my lawyer the man said it's gonna sound familiar to some of you Amy Myers I don't have money so he said okay give me fruits said Amy I don't have fruits he's in a Kate Emily carroca give me some real estate give me land Amy said okay tell me behavior give me some animals Amy I don't have telly current Acosta's give me blankets and pillows Amy I don't have so the man took his little turban his little Pecola of a hawa club a saber partly nefesh and he went home but parquet nefesh broken despondent okay laughter a girl Yom Kippur pass asuka's pass as the man is home after Circus the bow abayas the employer takes the money that he owe this man together with three donkeys that are fully laden one donkey was loaded with food another donkey was loaded with drinks and another donkey was loaded with delicacies delicacies then did not mean chocolate mousse cake didn't exist or cheese cake delicacies meant probably scorched barley kernels right something like that or piers oranges okay he comes to his house and he delivers all these goods Wow the man is eating his wife is eating the kids are eating 7:00 a.m. to finish that's all they talk I had a second asuka's he finishes the meal with all of them all the food of the donkey is gonna last them a year he takes out all the money he owes him and he gives him the money then he looks at his employee and he said now one asked you a question when I when you told me give me my fee my wages and I said I don't have money my math ashada Tony with what did you suspect me when I said I don't have no money what was your thought and the employee says I thought scheme' prac Mattie Abbas illness domina la ville Acosta behan perhaps you found an unbelievable opportunity to buy merchandise for cheap so you spent all your money all your liquid you spent all your liquid money you spent the night other than that when you write when you told me give me your animals and I said I don't have what did you think I said perhaps you rented out all your animals to other people you don't have when you said to me give me real estate I thought to myself maybe it's also leased to other people and you don't have any real estate when you said to me give me fruits and I said I don't have I said to myself perhaps you didn't give you at my sir you didn't tithe and therefore it's not usable yet when I asked you for pillows and blankets and you said you don't have I I said I don't have what did you think I said maybe this person consecrated all that he owns to the base on Victor's to heaven and therefore he can't give me anything so even though there's blankets and pillows that belongs to the base I mix - and he can't give it it's an e law he would be stealing oh my lord the employer said harvoy de I swear to you cacao this is what happened I happened to designate and pledge I made a nether to give all my properties be still working as Benicia Leo said matara to give away all my property like you said because of my son my ear work on us who was not learning and when I came to my friends he tidily called the door I they then annulled all my vows which was based on a mistake and they obliterated it dr. Gachet Mashhad antony LaRussa Markham Illinois sollozos you judged me favorably God should judge you favorably as well it's interesting there's a safer culture ill-posed Arab ahoy gone one of the going limit of ahoy and there he tells the story and he identifies the name of the employer the name of the employer was Rabbi Akiva he is the employee but then the employee sorry the employer was the father of organist employee the one who judged the meritoriously was rebbi akiva now you may ask these two people were innocent but a lot of people you know are not innocent these two were innocent the question is you could say they're lying you could say they're saying the truth say they're saying the truth but what happens if I know that's not the case so we have to summarize this and understand what this means it means three things practically number one when I look at a person's behavior or I hear something they say I could think about it in two ways I can give them the benefit of the doubt and say the phazon was not skipping governing because all he cared about money and the children and the father was not being irresponsible he was dealing with a devastating crisis so before I know I could be quiet that's the first thing the first thing is you don't know but sometimes you could see that it's wrong you could see somebody's doing something wrong something they're not doing anything wrong you could interpret it that they're doing something wrong give it a positive interpretation but sometimes I see the person is saying something obnoxious or doing the wrong thing but still I could say they may not realize the effect or the impact sometimes people don't see things not everybody was gifted with the highest level of wisdom and enlightenment sometimes people say stupid things yeah I sometimes citrus monoliths under the Shiva house people come in they say the stupidest things that humanity has ever invented I could judge them they came to bother the oven oh the oven is annoyed but they actually mean well in their own limitations they mean well they don't know about the experience they don't know the person they don't know what the person is going through and they're trying to comfort him in their own way all the wise comments that people make at least he's in a good place you must be relieved they are very relieved I also had a difficult week last week don't worry whatever all these types of things they may be saying the wrong thing but they actually are doing it in innocence some people are not always aware of everything but then there is a and there you can also give the benefit of the doubt attribute it to ignorant snot to maliciousness but sometimes a person does something and it's very hard to attribute it to ignorance because they're doing it and it seems like they know what they're doing here it becomes much harder but it's also important to be done the cough slows and the way to do it is what I mentioned last week um this was a mess have they done a skull ha Ottumwa cough scoffs whenever you judge a person you have to judge the entire person sometimes if a person went through certain experiences this is the only way they know how to handle life it could be this guy has a miserable miserable marriage that's how he carries himself it could be this guy lost a John's job could be this man as an angry frustrated person could be this man has been so hurt he's cynical it doesn't justify the behavior what it does is it allows me to approach this person from a much calmer more respectful place like we spoke about very ohoo Hokkien don't only look at the disease look at the person put it in context it doesn't justify it but it allows you to see you know do you know his upbringing do you know what she went through doesn't justify it they're accountable but if I actually want to help the situation by putting it in context of an entire life I could see it in a different way and say yeah they may be doing it wrong we're doing something wrong they may even know it's wrong these are maybe the only tools they have do I know about their temper their anger their depression their issues their struggles their challenges I don't know maybe I know a little bit have a donis Colorado and then you could say you know what I don't think this should be done but I'll call the nurse career Carnegie limb chimera can sit in the throne of judgment until I reach your space and as this VASIMR says villa mccoy my alta Ghia and you never reached their space the South cypher was the son of the Sam cipher a moistur cipher and he succeeded his father as the chief rove of Pressburg presberg was the part of the austria-hungarian empire was one of the four empires that was dissolved with the first world war today presberg is named bratislava and when there's some cipher passed away approximately 1840 he was succeeded by his son the sava cipher and they tell a story that the day that they coronated the south cypher as the Fisher of of Pressburg there was a Sood that there was a feast in a hall or so ever it was in a hall in presberg and the self sophist says I want to share a treat with everybody because I've sofa had an antique it was a coin from the times of the second base on Victor's some of you may have seen such things they have in the Israeli museum like shekels Makassar shekels or different currencies coins from that era and it's obviously uniquely precious in terms of Jewish history and the history of register all on the basis of McNish etc and the cuff cypher had such a coin from Bayou Chene II and he took out the coin and for the day of his simcha he passed around the coin for people to be able to see it and they passed it around and it never came back it never came back you know you pass around the picture a priceless picture never came back and except cypher sees this high yellow Dana know and what happens he asks them to lock the door so nobody should go out and nobody should go in and he says please whoever has it just give it back now and if not I'm gonna ask everybody to empty out all of their pockets there was an old Jew who was older than the cuff cypher who was still contemporary of his father the Sam cipher and he says rabba let's search for the coin for another 15 minutes before we empty out everybody's pockets let's search this was a little strange that he's asking but for his honor he was all decent foreign they search another 15 minutes hi yellow day Nano a shekel a nano the money is gone except sofa says okay now I think everybody should empty out all their pockets or just give back the coin and the old man says Jeb Arriba another 15 minutes let's search for it okay is another 15 minutes a third time after 15 minutes of sofa says new and the Jew says one more set of 15 minutes maybe we could still find it at this point everybody was very annoyed because what does this mean it sounds like basically he's looking for an excuse of delaying the situation and maybe he's gonna go out through the sewer system through the chimney whoa what's the problem if you're not a thief what do you care if people empty out their pockets what's the big deal I'll empty out your pockets but he was a hush revered he was a prominent person he was an older person he was a sage so except sorry for said fine and what happened now after searching for 45 minutes three times fifteen minutes they found the coin what happened was it was a meal and it fell into somebody's plate and the waiter was cleaning up the plates and it was on one of those wagons that they're leading the plates they found the coin in the garbage in the room and except Schaffer was very very overjoyed finally they had the coin he turns to this Jew but he said why did you want us to search for another 15 minutes and the drew takes out a coin he said I also have a coin from by a Shanee and I hold it with me I hold it with me if everybody would have emptied out the pockets I would have emptied out my back you would have seen the coin it would have been obvious by everybody that I stole it so I wanted you should search so the cuffs off returned to the crowd and he said what's the lesson of this story and he said I'll tell you the lesson of the story let's say I would have not listened to him which I did not want oh and he would have emptied out his pocket and we would have he would have had a coin of maya Shanee and he would have said I'm not the gardener if I'm not the thief would there be anybody in this room who would have believed them nobody they would say he's an old filthy dirty lawyer that's what he is using such a precious moment for his own benefits and his reputation would go down as a filthy deceptive old man and the truth is we would all have been wronged and nobody would have ever known it only he would know it and God would not so services that's the lesson of the story thank God it didn't come to that but it could have come to that and who would have imagined because that's the truth of life the truth of life is I know nothing about anybody until they don't tell it to man and even when they tell it to me I know very little I know the part that they're saying and I know the part that they know about themselves and therefore the brighter you are the deeper you are the more humble you are it's not people who are brighter and deeper you can't deceive them so they judge people people who are really wise and bright and deep don't judge people because when you're superficial you judge when you're deep you never judge because you understand the complexities of every life you understand how difficult it is even to live first of all you know that you don't know second of all even if you know you still know the person could really mean well third of all even if they don't mean well you know how trapped so many people are and when you know how trapped so many people are you don't justify wrong behavior ever ever but you could develop a sense of compassion a sense of sensitivity a sense of empathy for people's experience and when you come from that place you can actually reverse so many processes and help people open up to be able to live a far richer and greater life thank you have a wonderful week