Why PARENTS Make This MISTAKE...

it's very helpful to remember that there are some duties that parents have toward children which are not actual parenting I'm going to say that again there are some duties that parents have toward children which are not actual parenting parenting as we defined it is the transmission of values that's it figure out what are the big ideas that you care about that you live for even that you would die for and transmit those values to your child by living the example and by talking about it all the time that's parenting however there's some other stuff that we also do as parents it's not parenting but it's some it's part of our list of responsibilities and and this is what I refer to as the four Ps parenting is one of them and then there's the other three which are not parenting but they're also important things that that parents have to do and in fact I would even say they're prerequisites to Parenting because if you don't do these other three PS then you're not going to be able to actually transmit your values to your child and these other three PS are policing providing and protecting okay policing providing protecting I'm going to explain what each one of those is policing providing protecting are things all things that adults do for the children to whom they're responsible but none of those things are parenting none of those things the transmission of values let me make it very clear policing means sometimes you have to break up a fight that's not parenting you're not teaching any values the mistake we make is when we think that because we policed we actually transmitted a value and then we get frustrated but I taught you this I taught you didn't teach him anything like I told you I still get tickets for speeding the tickets didn't teach me anything maybe if I would take one of those driers Ed classes where they show you scary movies of uh car accidents maybe that would teach me the tickets certainly do not teach me so police and I'm not saying policing's bad police is necessary if two kids are fighting and it's not safe or even if one kid is making fun of another one that that's also not safe so policing sometimes is necessary you have to break up a fight do it I'm not saying don't do it and and also I want to make clear when a kid's little there's a lot more policing involved hopefully as they get older and you've done more parenting which means you've actually transmitted your values to them and they have their own moral compass you don't have to do so much policing anymore I mean the goal is ultimately you don't do any policing because they have their own sense of right and wrong but there is something called policing then there's protecting protecting is like a little kid wants to run into a street and you grab him you don't let him go into the street or or or or or a teenager wants to take the car out at night and and you don't think it's safe and you you just you don't give them the keys okay that's that's protecting now don't confuse that with teaching of value don't think because I told my teenager no I'm not going to let you drive it's not safe please don't confuse that with having transmitted to them a value you did not teach them a value you did something important it is important to protect your children but that's not transmitting the value and and and then this providing providing means you know on the most basic level your child should have food clothing shelter but then there's levels of providing uh you know providing them with affection and with warmth and with emotional security and with a feeling of safety all of that is providing and it's providing is very important obviously think about it a child who doesn't have what to eat can't really be taught you can't parent meaning you can't transmit values you can't teach life lessons to someone who's hungry and and and the same thing is even the spiritual or emotional intangible needs that a child has not just that a child needs to eat and and and have a have a a dry bed to sleep on and and and and clean clothes but then even the the intangible needs that a child has obviously it's important in the in under the rubric of providing that we provide those things for our children as well because a child for instance who doesn't feel emotionally safe a child who doesn't feel emotionally safe because you haven't provided that for them you're not going to be able to parent to them you can't transmit values to them because the person's not going to be teachable they're not going to be receptive to learning Big Ideas abstract ideas of right and wrong when their body isn't safe even if it's not a physical threat even it's just you know emotional threat so those things are very important policing providing protecting but none of them are parenting so here here's the thing I want you to be cognizant of the fact of when you're policing providing protecting and when you're actually parenting when you have little little kids a lot of the relationship is policing providing protecting and less of it is actual transmission of values which is the real parenting but as they get older then it's less policing providing protecting and it's more and more real parenting and Please be aware when you engage in policing providing protecting that it's it's important to do it it's your duty to do it if you don't do it you're not going to be able to parent because a child who isn't safe and taken care of can't learn but at the same time I'm asking you please don't fuse those two different categories and think which which a lot of parents make this mistake that because you did the police providing protecting that your child learned anything a lot of parents all they do is policeing providing protecting in fact there there are parents who are wonderful people devoted people and they're really really good at policing providing protecting they do a lot of it and they do it well but they don't do any actual parenting they don't actually transmit their values to their children and then they end up being very frustrated and confused and not understanding what went wrong hey this is rabish shab you were just watching a clip from my six week online parenting course which I offer about once or twice a year we're opening up enrollment right now for another cohort of that course if you want to get in on it there's information how to register in the description of this video below hope to see you there