Why KIDS feel INSECURE in relationships

when a child is born they're lying there in the crib the parents look at this baby they have this this feeling of Pride look at this baby this beautiful baby they fell and then something happens where that feeling of Pride it's replaced with something else with something different instead of having this feeling of this perfect baby this perfect gift all of a sudden and and and when when we look at the baby there are no strings attached nobody says to their baby why don't you grow up learn how to talk form a personality we'll go out for coffee we'll see if we can strike up a conversation and then I'll decide if I like you nobody says that to their baby you look at your baby and automatically there's a bond but then after a while some happens where it's like that positive regard that you once had for this child is no longer unconditional it becomes very conditional it becomes Behavior based it becomes based on performance what you do how I feel about you has to do with what you do now that those those were not the terms and conditions when when the child was an infant you had no problem having positive feelings about your child based on nothing that they've done in fact they can do nothing but just who they are but then at some point for some reason what happens is instead of having this good feeling and this connection based on who my child is now it all becomes based on what my child does why does that happen why do we do that I understand you I mean I get it babies can't do anything so you don't hold them to that standard I get that and as they get older they are capable of doing things I get that but that doesn't ex follow me here that explains why you don't have expectations of a baby's behavior and therefore you don't have that we call the nas based on what they do and with with an older child or with an adult you can actually be proud of their actions I get that but it doesn't explain what happened to the pride and the love that you had for the baby that was not based on what they do you understand what I'm saying why did that go away why was that replaced with a new type of positive regard that's totally based on Behavior there there there's two types of Pride and they can both be true at the same time there's a concept Hashem looks at us at his children and says I appreciate when I told you to do something you did what I told you have I feel good about that which implies if you don't do it then I'm not going to have that Nas so that's conditional and that's a real thing I'm not saying it doesn't exist but then there's something else distinct and separate from that which is a different type of Pride which is unconditional where Hashem says about the Jewish people they're all really hem did you look at did you see I mean the branch of my planting the work of my hands in which to take pride Le means to take pride not just Hashem loves every Jew Hashem is proud of every Jew how could he be proud of every Jew when they'll do something that that makes him proud then he'll be proud no that's the which is a separate track what about that Hashem is proud of you not because of what you did but because of what he did in making you so Hashem looks at the Nish and says look at what I did the Nisha doesn't have to do anything to be worthy of that Pride Hashem is automatically proud just because of who you are why does that go away why are we in tune with it when a child is a baby and why do we lose it and it gets replaced with the conditional behavioral based Pride as they grow up you understand I'm not telling you to pretend that there isn't such a thing as behaviors that are pleasing and behaviors that are displeasing I think that's a big hysterical sometimes I think even willful misunderstanding people want to pretend that we're saying there's no such thing as desirable behaviors and undesirable behaviors not saying that what I'm saying is there's a positive regard that Hashem has for every Jew that is not based on behavior and that is the exact same positive regard that we're really supposed to have for all of each other which is the Mitzvah of a positive regard we're supposed to have for every Nish that's not based on Behavior that's not based on what they do it's purely based on who they are which is unchanging and if and really really you're obligated to to have that feeling about every single L you and all we're saying is at least could you do it for your kids at least do it for your kids look at your child and see that no matter what they do that is separate and distinct from who they are they always were they always will be hey this is Shas tab you were just watching a clip from this class if you want to get the full context the full class that this clip that you just watched was from you watch right here click right here here