When Your Child Sees Inappropriate Content | Parenting in 2025

All right. This is a very sensitive subject and I'm going to try to deal with it delicately. Not something I normally speak about publicly. It's more of a one-on-one conversation, but I've had the conversation one-on-one so many times feel like it's worth putting it out there. uh and that is uh when a parent will call me with concern about their child seeing inappropriate things or either they were exposed to inappropriate things or they're actively now seeking out inappropriate things through technology usually. So, let me try to have this conversation with you even though we're not actually speaking. But, you know, for the parent who uh at 3:00 in the morning is desperately looking for answers, maybe this will at least start the conversation and then you can follow up. Not necessarily with me, but uh with a friend, a mentor, um someone you trust. Okay. So, let's start the conversation. So you found your child is involved in inappropriate let's say watching inappropriate uh sites. So first of all welcome to 2025. Unfortunately, the reality is that today, even in the most sheltered communities, in the most sheltered homes, even where they do not have technology in the home, because technology is so ubiquitous, it's pretty much I mean, I don't want to say a number because I don't have this is not based on a study or anything, but anecdotally, you know, I'll just say it it's not 100%, but it's pretty close to that before they're 10 years old. Almost all children today are going to be at least exposed to inappropriate images. And the question is not therefore how do we protect them from it because it's like virtually impossible. Like I said, even in the most sheltered homes, the most sheltered communities where where they literally do not have technology in the homes and yet children are still exposed to these things uh usually by their peers by by other children. So it's not a question of how do I protect my child from being exposed to it. The real good responsible parenting question is how do I protect my child's mental, emotional, spiritual safety, integrity, wholeness when they are exposed to it, which inevitably they will be a and and how do I prepare them so that when they are exposed to it, it's something that they will be able to separate themselves from and not become a a habit because that's very common where the first time is by accident or even um against the child's will like somebody says hey let me show you something the child is even like oh don't show me that and then very quickly in a matter of time it's like oh let me see that again you know and then they start looking for it so how what can you do for your child that they will be strong enough to not be pulled into this this world which really does pull people in it pulls people in fast it pulls people in deep. God forbid, but we see it. We see it uh constantly. So, first thing I want to tell you is about shame. Shame is the number one thing to be aware of. And it's counterintuitive, perhaps counterintuitive, but the more shame surrounds these issues, the more likely a child or an adult for that matter is to be pulled deeply into this this dark world. Now, you're going to say, why would that be? If a person has shame, then they then it's a negative feeling. They they'll resist it. They'll get away from it. They'll they'll the shame will drive them away from it. But like I told you already, first of all, drive them away from it. It's an inevitability. They're going to be exposed at some point. Unfortunately, that's the world we live in. So the question is when they are exposed, what are they going to do with that? How are they going to process that experience in a productive way that's going to lead to making good choices afterwards? The problem with shame is shame goes handinhand with secrecy. When I've done something that I'm ashamed of, I I don't tell anyone. I certainly don't tell people who I respect like my parents or the people the first people I re actually really should be telling because they can guide me right but no no no I don't tell them maybe I tell no one and then what happens is I'm operating in shame secrecy isolation I don't have my reality check anymore I'm not checking in with anybody and then it's very easy at that point to go far off into the wrong direction and not even realize what's happening because you're just not getting feedback from anybody. So that's the first thing to realize that when we remove the shame from it, then we create the possibility that the child is going to be able to discuss it with you or or or at least with someone who's responsible and and get some guidance. That that's one thing to understand. Another thing to understand is and and this is also counterintuitive. There's a shame spiral. When a person feels bad, they often look for comfort. Well, what causes you to feel bad? Shame. Shame makes you feel bad. I'm a low life. I'm a pervert. I'm uh twisted and broken and the only one who is into these things, right? So, that's not a good feeling. What are you going to do? You're going to soothe that. You're going to plate that. How are you going to do that? You know, you look for comfort. You look for distraction. Well, you're already feeling low about yourself. So, you don't have a particularly high opinion of yourself. And so, what's at hand? What's nearby? What's accessible? The very thing that you were feeling ashamed of in the first place. And then you use that to soothe the negative feeling of the shame. And then what happens? Now I'm really ashamed downward spiral and it becomes god forbid but it becomes this vicious cycle which is so hard to break like the the the the worse I feel about it then the more I go and I distract myself by doing more of it. So that's the second reason why the shame is so counterproductive. So we we have to remove the shame. All right. But on the other hand, you'll give me push back and you should give me push back and say we're going to completely remove the shame. Then we should become shameless. Then we should just pretend it's all good. Yeah, for for sure. Look, look at whatever you want. It's all it's all beautiful. It's all great. It's all nice. Right. By the way, I mean, I'm saying it with like a sort of I'm saying it in joking way, but there is such a school of thought and it's not as prevalent today, but certainly in my lifetime that was somewhat of a mainstream attitude toward teaching children about sexuality where it was it was absolutely no restrictions, no barriers, teach them everything openly. It's just a normal thing. Okay, that's also wrong. That's also wrong. But what do we do? Like on one hand we have shame and secrecy. On the other hand, we have like this blas permissiveness. Neither of those are healthy. So we have to understand that there's a difference between something that's a secret and something that's private. A secret is something that I'm hiding from you. I don't want you to find out. That's my secret. Something that's private is something that I choose to share with people who I'm close with. You see, that's very, very different. A secret is something I'm hiding. Something that's private is something that I'm selectively sharing. I don't share it with everybody. It's private. And by sharing it with with the people that I share it with, that's a special bond that I have with them. Something that's private. So secrecy drives a wedge, creates isolation. Privacy actually creates deeper bonds, but with very select special relationships. The ultimate example of privacy is marital intimacy where there's this exclusive relationship where two people choose to share something with each other they only share with each other and with nobody else and that creates the ultimate bond, the ultimate closing. So there's a difference between something that's secret and something that's private. When speaking to children, even small children about their bodies, about their private parts, it's not a secret. First of all, what's the secret? Everybody has these parts. We all know that it exists. It's not It's not a secret, but it's private. What does it mean it's private? It means that it's not something that we share with everybody. So, we remove the shame, but we don't remove the sense of privacy. Privacy actually promotes the opposite of secrecy and shame. Privacy promotes dignity. Right? If a secret creates a feeling of shame, I'm I'm dirty. I'm defective. Privacy promotes the opposite. Feeling of dignity, self-respect. I have something special, something that I keep private. Um, it's it's not on display for the world. It's special. You know, it in Hebrew the word for holiness translated in English as holiness is kadusha. That's the noun holiness. But really um more accurately it means separateness. Why does holiness mean separateness? Because the Torah concept of holiness is that which is set apart. Something that is ordinary, that's everyday is mundane. Something that's set apart for an exclusive special use is holy. So, for instance, um you would say that's a holy book, right? You have like let's say uh a Torah book. That's a holy book. And therefore, it's set apart for an exclusive special purpose. Meaning to say, you know, uh you might, you guys probably don't know what a phone book is, but in my day, we had phone books, right? You would use a phone book as a booster seat for a toddler. That's there was only two uses for phone books when they had them. Okay? Okay, because we we really needed to look up a number, we'd call 411 and pay the quarter, you know, for information. But the phone books, you'd use it either for a toddler's booster seat at the table or to prop up a air conditioner window unit. Those are the uses of a phone book. Now, that's not what it's made for, but it's okay. You can use it for whatever it works for because it's not holy. But if you take a Torah book, take a and use it, god forbid, to prop up an air conditioner or for a booster seat, that's a misappropriation. Why? Because it's holy. Why? Because holy means set apart, exclusive, designated. So in that sense, it makes sense, by the way, why we say that the reproductive organs are holy. Why? Why do we say it's holy? It's like euphemistic talk. No, no, no. literally because it is set apart because the the private parts are designated for a special usage. And even though it's possible to misappropriate them and use them for other things and it would technically work practically, you could do it, but it wouldn't be in line with the purpose of those body parts. It would be a misappropriation. They are holy. So we leave them for their exclusive special use for which they were designed. And concepts like this you could teach even to small children and certainly to children who are older and becoming aware of their bodies and having these questions on their own and naturally wanting to know about um you know differences between boys and girls and things like that. Obviously, we don't tell them everything all at once. Obviously, there's a sense of modesty. Um, you have to have age appropriate discussions. See, one of the things is a lot of parents want to have the talk about, you know, the birds and the bees, I guess, is the old uh way of calling it, but you know, they want to have that talk about um human sexuality. Here's what I want to tell you though, my friends. It's not a talk. It is a series of talks. If you feel that you're going to do it as a oneshot deal in one talk, then either you're going to end up saying way too much for that child or way too little for that child. Either way too much because you're just going to tell them everything all at once because that's it. It's my one shot. Or you can tell them way too little because you'll tell them whatever they can handle now. But then they're never going to update it. You'll never update it later. No, it's a series of talks. And when there's when the shame is removed and the child feels comfortable talking with the parents as they have these questions, then you'll be able to update it carefully and delicately and not to tell them too much all at once. But that's only when we remove the shame from it and the uh the possibility for an ongoing dialogue exists. So it's not a one-time thing. If you're thinking that you're going to have this talk one time and get it out of the way and never have to do it again, that that's a fundamental error in the approach to this matter. It's not a one-time conversation. It is you positioning yourself in your child's life as the go-to person, the safe person for talking about these things. Okay. Um just one other thing in this realm in this area and that is sometimes when especially we talking about older kids they sometimes god forbid are are already pulled in. Let's say it got to that point where you're thinking that you have a child, a teenager, let's say, maybe they're maybe even they're not even supposed to have a device, but they they have access to technology somehow. And this you're not a bad parent if your child has a device against your your will. It just it's one of the realities of today. Um, you know, when you have a better bond with them, then you have a better chance of talking them out of it. But don't think like, oh, if I had only laid down the law and been more assertive and more uh made the rules stronger, then they wouldn't they wouldn't dare do this. Because the reality is you have homes that are run uh very very, you know, ship shape and the kids go off and they get their own devices on their own. And it's just they do it secretly. So don't fault yourself. But let let's talk about productively. What do you do? You have a kid, an older kid, let's say a teenager, and it's like, okay, I I already know what he's doing. You know, maybe even they have they have two devices. That's a common thing. Like the phone that you get to see and then the secret phone that you know where everything else is happening. So here's the thing. You're not going to win this battle by calling someone out. Again, the whole concept of shame. Shame is counterproductive here. You're going to make somebody feel bad. A teenager who's already feeling probably extremely self-conscious just in general, but especially self-conscious about their sexuality. And then you're going to call them out for this and then it becomes this thing that they feel bad about. And then they have to basically live up to it. Oh, I guess I am bad. And I've seen this so many many times where a good kid like a sweet wholesome kid who wants to do good things and he's but in this this one area there's this strong pull. you know the Hashem created us the the the creator made us with a strong interest in this strong desire in this area. Um so it is a strong pull for many people. So you have a sweet kid who wants to do good things but he's weak in this area and he's being pulled in and then he gets called out for he feels like absolute garbage and what does he have to do? There's this cognitive dissonance. Am I a good person or or am I a bad person? And what has to what happens is he has to somehow figure out how to like resolve this thing. So he says, "Oh, I must be a bad person." And then and I've seen it time and time again where all of a sudden all of the good things that this kid used to be very passionate about, they'll just write them off and say, "Oh, no. That that was when I was younger. No, I'm not into that anymore. I want to become like this." and just completely transform his identity, completely transform even even how he looks, how he dresses, u how he talks. And it's so tragically unnecessary. It's so tragically unnecessary. And and the way to avoid it is by allowing the child and I would say the same thing for adults by the way to allow them the paradox the paradox of saying this is something that I'm struggling with but I don't have to lower everything else about me to fit that in order to no longer feel guilt to feel the the conflict or the tension. In other words, having permission to live with the tension, the tension between where I'd like to be and and where at some moments I really am. But if you don't allow a child the ability to live with that tension or you don't even tell them there's such a concept. So then what happens is they just take everything and just pull it down to align it with the type of person they imagine is the kind of person who consumes that type of um media. And like I said, it's tragically unnecessary. You could explain to them that this area has a very strong pull and very very good people who are who care about spirituality and they care about right and wrong and they care about uh all types of of of lofty aspirations. And at the same time, they have human impulses that can be triggered and they become pulled into those things at times. It doesn't make it okay. It's not saying that go ahead, it's off to the races and just do whatever you want. But what it is saying is you can live with the dichotomy. You can live with that tension. That tension doesn't have to become so formidable that you say, "Okay, that's it. The only way to get rid of the tension is just to if you can't beat them, join them and throw yourself into being the kind of person that you imagine is the kind of person who does these things. Follow what I'm saying? So, okay, let me just recap here. Remove the shame. There's a big difference between something that's secret and something that's a private that that's private. Um, allow your child to talk to you repeatedly as an ongoing discussion. Um, inform your child if they're already at this stage that they don't have to throw themselves into that completely. It's okay to say there's an area of my life that I'm struggling with where my own standards are higher than my current behavior. A lot of children don't know about that. A lot of adults don't know about that. That my own standards are higher than my current behavior. They don't know about that. So then what do they just do? They just say, "Oh, my standards must must actually be whatever my current behavior is." Okay. And yeah, the main thing is that this is a normal part of the human experience. Like I said, Hashem gave us a very strong desire in the in these areas. Ultimately, like like I was saying before, the the private parts of a person are the holiest parts because it has a designated purpose. And and one of the reasons Hashem gave us such a powerful desire in those areas is to give us a a an ability to really apply ourselves to that area when it's done in the proper way. So, you do want to tell your child in an age appropriate way that, you know, we're we're we're not telling you that there's no place for this part of the human experience. We're just saying there's a very special place within the human experience for for this part of ourselves. Um, and that there's a strong pull to not make it special. But uh and and and and we may be more successful on some days than other days in maintaining the specialness. But even in days when we fail to maintain the specialness, we can we can retain our standards and and know that we what we would like what we would ideally like to be the way that we behave. because because we know that that's the right thing and we know that's the way that Hashem designed us to be. Okay, that's just to get the conversation started. The main thing is um you know stay calm, breathe, definitely don't panic because your shock will just like I told you before the the the most counterproductive thing is the shame. So, you know, obviously many cases it's very shocking for a parent, but like you got to calm down first before you talk to your child because if you're all appalled, that's only going to um promote shame and then secrecy and then all of the the vicious cycle that we described earlier. Okay? So, look, rely on uh on Hashem. Hashem is your partner in in this in raising this child. You're not doing this alone. You're doing this in partnership with the infinite one. Take a breath. Get your grounding. get your stability and uh show up for your kid and listen and mostly listen and offer some sober, non-hysteryical uh tolerant, compassionate, realistic perspective to what it's like being a human being. And God willing, it'll all it'll all be it'll all work out. It all be good.