What's more important - Torah or Peace? - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] Unfortunately, there's no black and white answer because each individual is completely completely different. And not too long ago, I went to a wedding and was a very difficult situation there because the there was a lot of internal family issues there. But one of the boys he it's a was a very religious family and one of the boys went like off the deck and he married a non-Jewish girl and uh and the family completely outcast him. The family completely said we don't we don't want you we don't want you to come here. we don't want to come to you. So the groom invited his brother to the wedding. Said it's my wedding. I'm going to go invite whoever I want. So he invited his brother and his brother came with his not Jewish wife and her baby. And there was such a issue there everybody. And then the father of the groom approached me and he told me, "Should we invite my son and his wife to the picture?" And I said, "Of course, of course." what kind of a question? I told him, "But she's not Jewish and we don't want the other kids and the grandkids to see that she's not Jewish. They'll think we're proving it." And I told him, "I don't know why, but there's a very good chance that your son married a non-Jewish girl because you were pushing him away all the time. Now you have an opportunity to make some type of peace by inviting him back, by telling him, "You have room in my family. I'm not happy with your wife. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not happy that you married a non-Jewish girl, but I still love you. You're still my son, and I still want you to know that you have a place in my heart." And I told the father, "You better invite your son and his non-Jewish wife. You You have the opportunity to make peace here." Anyways, there was a lot of family arguing and they didn't invite and the son of course got very hurt cuz a lot of family members says if she's coming into the picture we don't want to be in the picture and the son got hurt and he left and I told the father look look what you blew up an opportunity. Yes, he he did go far away and I know you're not happy. I wouldn't be happy also but you have to to to have the sensitivity to know how to pull him back. Now, if you completely shut him down, you're not not going to come back. He's going to be constantly in his mind, my family can't tolerate me. They don't like my wife. They don't like my way of life. Now, I'm not I didn't I told the father, I'm not agreeing with it. I'm not telling you it's okay. I'm telling you it's more important to bring your son back. Why? Because if he's going to feel a place, a if it's not the real marriage, maybe he will divorce her. Maybe he will let her go. And if it's maybe is a real marriage, maybe she needs to convert. I don't know. Each case is completely completely different. The point is that it's the most easiest way to shut things down because of anger, but it's the hardest and most important is to to to do whatever you need to do to bridge to the other individual to to bring back the individual. So in one case, the individual will marry a non-Jewish girl or man. Another case, a person will just go and desecrate Shabbat. another person will do many other things. I see it in a way that it's the worst thing to totally outcast the person from the family. And yes, it's not the easiest thing. The person needs to know that you're not happy with the situation. You I'm saying you cuz you asked it, not you in the in particular. But the point is that we have the obligation to do whatever we can to bring back that individual and to still accept that person and to do whatever we can. I mean again I don't agree with it. I do whatever I can to stop it and and you have to educate people. That's why when I used to live in America I was I was very strong with people. Take your kids out of public school. Don't let your kids you know get even into that situation. It's um it's a very bad epidemic. I always I always say that Hitler Makimo was able to kill 6 million Jews their bodies but America killed 60 million souls because of all the assimulation. 60 70 80% I don't know how much the percentage of assimilation millions of souls were killed because of that. So needless to say it's a it's a it's a it's a very bad thing. But if it's before the act then you have to do whatever you can to try to prevent it. But if it's already after that complicated you you said the answer complicated and each each case is completely different and needs to be dealt different and in in many I always say peace is always the best the the Torah is all about peace. It says shalom that the ways of the Torah is peace. If you're looking at all the blessings, all the praise that we say, it has one word in it. Shalom. All our prays. The most famous prayer in the world, ask any Jew in the world, what's the most famous prayer or say shalom. We finished shalom. Everything is shalom. Shalom. Everything is shalom. The entire Torah was created to bring peace to the world. So in any situation a person finds himself is to bring peace. It's to somehow do peace. Hashem puts you in a situation that you will do whatever you can to bring peace between two people. So any situation the two people are in a a fight. It's not good. It's not it's not it's not a healthy thing. your job since you are observant and you have the wisdom of the Torah and you have Hashem by your side, you should do whatever you can to bridge that there shouldn't be any anger between two brothers. Doesn't matter if you're observant, he's not observant. The point is that the the Torah incorporates and it says only do peace. Concentrate on peace. It's all about peace. Lower yourself. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride. Sometimes you have to get cursed and yelled at. Now again this is a a very general answer because in some situations the the the the decree is you can you can't do anything. Take a step back over 30 years ago and other other rabbis have told him completely the opposite. It's not the right it's not the way of the Torah. Right? The Torah says very clearly it doesn't say in the Torah fight with other people. It says the Torah about the Torah. You do everything with peace. You do it with anger. You do it with arguing. You're not going to get anything. So now what's the result? Again, and I don't know the story, but it seems like now the result is two brothers are not talking to each other. That's not what the Torah Torah promotes. The Torah promotes wish each other happy birthday once a year. That's not good. That's exactly what I said before with the why hate another Jew. Okay. So, he made the wrong decision. That's his decision. I'm obligated to love him. He's still my brother. So, that's where you have the obligation to try to change that. Slowly, slowly try to bridge back to him. Try to make peace. Sit down and say, "Listen, we're both adults. I mean, we're not animals. So, what we if I wear a yamaka, you're still my brother. You're my blood." The point is, again, it's very hard to give a good answer because it's a I don't know the entire situation. My always my my my aim is always to make peace. Not good to have between Jews arguments and hate. That's what the Torah teaches. Now, if I don't if I learn Torah all day long and I don't incorporate into my life, then I'm kind of missing the point because the Torah teaches me three times a day when I pray, I say in the shalom, put first peace. All the Torah constantly tells me do peace. Now, if I'm a person, if I'm a man that represents the Torah and I learn Torah and my Torah is my life, then I have to bring it out to the world. So, it's in your hands to come and say, "You are Jew, you are my brother. I'm not happy that your wife is not Jewish, but I'm not going to hate you, and I'm not going to let that separate me between me and you because your parents are looking from Shamim, and it's making them sad that you're fighting." So again this is not a black and white answer because I don't know the situation and both sides is in every argument there's two sides you have to hear both sides you have to analyze everything but from even from not knowing anything your mind should be of how am I making peace here mine is right now is this is what I have to deal with how am I making peace here I mean it's not good when two especially brothers I mean there's no greater the gets that people, you know, they they go beyond their their own self and they make peace between another pe another person and it's never too late. I'll tell you another thing by the way and again I don't know if it's in this in your situation. I see in a lot of places, especially with families, that the child goes off the deck or marries a non-Jewish person, that if they would be able to keep the child close, that's when they would be able to affect him. Now, when there's an argument, you can't affect or help that person because now he's taking him and his wife's side. the way to actually affect him says with a person who's who listen to you then you'll be tamim too you'll be innocent but in mikesh somebody's stubborn come with all sorts of tricky ways so you know the way for me now when I guide parents that their child is going completely off the de and I always meet these parents He's not coming into my house. He's this. I told him, you're not going to do anything. If you're going to be angry with that individual, you're not going to be able to bridge and to be able to to to talk sense into him. Invite him back into your life. That once he's in your life and there's a way of communicating, then when he gains back your trust and your love, then you can start telling him about the Torah, you have the opportunity maybe to him. I know, you know. And exactly what you're saying. I met not too long ago her family that the son went and and he had you know he had a something went on in his childhood that really affected him. He was very anti- relligion cuz he got very hurt from that and he went and he married a non-Jewish girl and the family completely shut down out we don't want to talk to you and of course you know you shut him down then he was you know no communication and then at some point one in the family individual was like I'm not going to do that I still love my my my brother and he started going you know making a con a connection again and with the years the non-Jewish wife started seeing you know the sibling how is him and his wife are living their life and she started slowly slowly really liking Judaism and she like hey I I want to do this this looks amazing I like this a Friday night meal that all the families together oh I like being dressed modest I don't like this how people dress she started seeing all these points in Judaism she started liking it and then she started telling her husband, you're Jewish, why don't you why aren't you doing that? And at some point, she got so into it that she wanted to convert. Now, then she had a problem because she when she went to the Bin, they told her, "You you live with a Jew. We we're not going to convert you." And she went to such an extreme that she left him cuz she wanted to convert. And just because that family member accepted her and showed her how beautiful Judaism is, she converted. So in a very indirect way, she later now she now this now they're together. She's 10 times more religious than her when than than the boy. So sometimes you go the extra mile. You don't even know how it affects and what it can do. Now it does again it's not black and white. It doesn't always work like that. The story doesn't always have a happy ending. But the point is that the Torah instructs us is to always make peace between people. Now, if I have a child or a loved one, a brother that is doing something that is totally against the Torah, how am I going to affect him? With love or with hate? If I hate him and I scream at him and I argue with him, all I'm going to get is a shoulder. Thank you. I'll see you later. But how am I going to able to penetrate his heart? Come, you can come with your wife. It's fine. I love you. You're my brother. Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I I the Torah prohibits you to marry a non-Jewish girl. But you're my brother. I love you. Now, only when he's in my domain, then can then I can affect him. How can I affect somebody possibly positive positively if he's far if I'm pushing him away? So, I understand that many rabbis say, "No, cut it. No, no connection. don't agree with it. Not too long ago, one of my wife's best friends, she got married and she invited us to the wedding and then she asked my wife to be uh uh to say one of the chevot. I told my wife what she wants you to say one of the shvaot what kind of a wedding is that? So my wife called and she was like, "Well, they're getting married a very reformed wedding that the woman is officiating the wedding and and the women are saying the Shiva told my wife like with all due respect I mean you can't say I mean this is kind of a joke." So we had a very big debate if to go to the wedding or not to go to the wedding and yeah according to the we're not allowed to be present in such a wedding. We're not allowed to. But I told my wife, listen, we could go beyond the letter of the law. We can go to the wedding and respect them. So at the time of the ka, we step out, but we can still be maybe in the party. We don't have to eat the food because if this is a reformed ceremony, I wouldn't even trust the food there. But I can still come and respect them and give them a card and explain to them, listen, you know, in the dancing there's no mikita. you're going to be out, but we wanted to come and give you a present and wish you a muzzle to and and the decision was that we still went there at the hoop. We went out and the reception we were there in the dancing we went out we didn't eat anything but we were still there and the presence that we were there and not in the koopa because the hoopa is the problem and not in the dancing because it was mixed dancing but we still gave some respect. So the effect was that later down the line we were able to invite them to a Shabbat and then invite them to a peser and have some type of a connection with them. Can I affect them as Jews if I if they hate me because they didn't show up to the wedding or because I'm telling them you can't come to my Shabbat table cuz you drove here. What what am I going to do? Am I am I going to affect them? No. I lost the I lost the the I maybe you know won the battle but I lost the war. So, I was like, "No, I'll be smarter. I'll get them into my domain." You know, like teasing a child with a lollipop. When once they're close to me, that's when I can affect them. That's when I can stab their heart with some good poison. Now, again, this is a very general answer. It's not necessarily answer that's good for you because I don't know all the situation, but the the the foundation is try to go with what I just told you. That what should be the theme that in any situation you want to constantly excuse me you want to constantly promote peace. You want to bring peace between two Jews. You know, Aron Coen was the the he was he he gained to be the priest at first gadal cuz his entire nature was to bring shalom and there's nothing greater that a person is able to overcome his ego his his his pride his opinions to humble himself and says more important to have peace between two two Jews you know the whole story in the Torah about the the woman the s that she wrote Hashem's his name and Hashem says I'm willing my name to be erased for for schlomite to happen. So schlomite is yes between husband and wife but schlomite is also between two two brothers and any two Jews. Hashem doesn't like it. It hurts when two Jews fight with each other for no reason. Trust me, Hashem is not happy with the fact that he's married to a non-Jew. But you can actually save him only if you go to him. If somebody's now drowning in the ocean and I'm standing on the beach and saying, "I'm very sorry. It's Shabbat. I don't want to get my clothes wet because it's going to be on Shabbat. I'm very sorry. I'm very person's drowning." You jump into the water and you save him. Don't be, you know, so religious. So, I'm not referring to you. I'm just saying that that the the the Torah tells you sometimes you have to go beyond the letter of the law. One time there was also a situation similar to that and and I went to my rabbi and he told me don't pretend you're so religious you go and help that person. Okay saving another Jew is more important. Bringing peace between two Jews it's more important than you being now very very religious. So how that's how that's my attitude that bringing peace between Jews is way more important than anything else. And you can only affect him in a positive way when he's close to you. I mean now if you're going to tell him come to a Shabbat meal, he's not going to want to come cuz he's going to tell you you don't accept my wife. I don't want to come and and and sit with you. But if you somehow bridge with him and you tell him, I want you to come for Shabbat. You know what what's going to come out of it? He'll hear kadoo. He'll drink kosher wine. He'll eat kosher food. He'll be in the atmosphere of Shabbat. You know how that might affect him? You don't know how it's going to affect him. It might affect him in such a in you know aut in such a internal way he's going to have this hero and he'll wake up why what am I doing with this non-Jewish woman what did I do now for 30 years I hate her you don't know what's going on maybe he has the worst marriage ever and you know just just to prove the point he's not getting divorc because he doesn't want people to say I told you so you never know what's going on in a person's My opinion is always to you know there's a you're not allowed to invite a non-Jew to a pes because the miracle was for the Jews. you know to invite non-Jews but I had once a situation that there was a certain Jew that I knew that all he needed is a little bit to p a push and he will come closer to Yiddish kite but and I invited him to and he told me I want to come with my girlfriend she's not Jewish and my first answer was she can't come and then I made a quick calculation what am I gaining if I bring her then he comes with her he will eat matzah he will He said he will drink wine. Maybe he will say, "Maybe he will get it all all excited." And I called a rabbi. I mean, you have to have a big decision. And I called a very big rabbi. And I told him, "This is the situation." And he answered me, "Invite her. Invite her. It's better saving a Jew than to be so strict that the non-Jew cannot come to the SE. Just make sure your wine is, make sure this, make sure that. But more important that this Jew will sit in a eat mat, see what's going on. And you know what? If there's one00001% that it will wake him up, it's worth it. I'll tell you one story and then we can we we're going to end. But it's on the same level that there was once a story that the son of the king was very very sick. He was about to die. All the doctors, nobody was able to find the remedy. And the king said, "I will give my entire fortune. Just save my son." Any doctor that came failed. After years and years, the son was already almost about to die. One person came and says, "Listen, I'm not a doctor. I have something that I think there's a small slight chance that maybe will save your son." The king says, "I will do anything even if it's the smallest chance." The person told him, "Take the biggest jewel, the biggest diamond in your crown. Take it out of your crown. Smash it into pieces, crush it to ashes and dust. Take that dust, put it in water, and let the son drink." The king says, "This is going to save my son's life." He says, "There's a 0.0000% that it will it will." So the king says, "If there's one little chance that it will, I I'll do that." He took the jewel out of his son's He took the jewel out of his crown, crashed it, gave it to the son and it was a American story. So there was a happy ending and the son was cured. But the the the the point from that is that in the eyes of the kadosh a child, any Jew is his child and he can be the furthest away in a in a land of non-Jews, married a non-Jew, eating everything not kosher, desecrating Shabbat and all the holidays. But there's one little chance that this son might be saved, you you you put in stake everything just there maybe a chance to save him. And I see in in in in my experience, I see that when you do that, not always it works, but a lot it saves them. So I always come and say you go beyond the letter of the law if there's a chance to save another Jew. And you don't know what your actions will will change in his mind. I mean, if it was if if it would be my recommendation, and again, it's not 100% because I don't know the entire story, but I would do anything I can to bring him closer to me because only when he's closer to me, I have a chance of affecting him, and you never know. You never know how the story would end. Could be, I've seen it, that that person who's married to the nonju has the worst marriage ever. And just because of his pride that nobody will tell him, I told you, he's staying. and his proud is so strong. He's not going to leave the marriage. I saw it with some individual. He would not leave the mar. He had the worst marriage ever. He just didn't want people to tell him, "I told you." So, you don't know what's going on there. And you you should definitely do whatever you can to to to communicate and try to bridge and and bring him back. Never know. That's that's could be why you became observant to save him. We'll try again. Just follow the Torah. Shalom. Should do everything with love and peace and and respect. At the end of the day, he is a human being. Even though the Torah prohibits us to marrying non-Jews, the non-Jews are also children of the Kadu. Has to be done in a very nice and very diplomatic and smart way. You never know. [Music]