What Is a Hasidic Intimacy course? Explained by marriage Counselor Rabbi Friedman S2 - E11

I always say intimacy is something that happens in the kitchen first, not in the other rooms. >> Correct. >> I I'm ashamed to say the percentage I think of couples in the community that are only married on the books. You could check off the box married as if a marriage in one line is the more you understand that you don't understand then you're good to go. And this is a daily hourly struggle. Sometimes some people have a wrong definition of love. When you talk about intimacy or you talk about love >> or anything related to this, they think about one thing. This is and this is taboo. Like this is kind of real toxic because if there is some fantasy in his head, this is a competition with his wife. So there's no way no way she can meet this. If dad's gone, the marriage is gone. You come home for an hour, take this phone and leave it in the car. >> What is the hardest part for a person to break about himself when it comes to marriage? Okay. Today on the struggle podcast, we have the privilege to sit with the Rabbi Alame Freriedman. Rabbi Alame Freriedman uh is a name that became synonymous with Chulmbias. with >> peace in the home. He creates harmony. He creates connection. He tries to make people understand each other in the home. Rabbi Freriedman is the founder of Simasabayas. That's how he calls his organization simasabayas.com. >> Correct. >> Okay. Excellent. This organization helps countless couples rebuild that trust. >> Right. >> Your work as a marriage counselor, >> correct? uh reminds people that marriage is not a war that's not a m it is a it is a journey of growth >> and this is I'm doing this for more than six seven years that uh people are coming and coming and this is now I I have almost every day like three or four couples >> from around the world. >> Wow. and know that what you did is something revolutionary in the community. And this is something that um you need to get a lot of credit for because you talk to people and you see the problem and you're not shoving it under the rug. And what you did is you you are um you're having a course on intimacy, >> right? >> You're teaching couples, you're teaching singles, you're teaching everybody about this problem. You're not shoving it under the rug. >> Now, these courses are on Yiddish. >> Yes. This goes in here and it's so important that that they have had an offer now somebody that for free wants to sub make subtitles >> in English because people want to listen to it right maybe one day. So let's first understand >> yes >> since you're in this this industry to give us a toy as a rabbi uh what is intimacy according to the to so intimacy has two parts one part is physical one the other part is emotional the physical part of intimacy is something that we can't just talk about in the public >> right >> and not only we we can't talk about in the public it's not something you should talk about in the public because you can't give directions about that. It's something that has to happen naturally. And if somebody's going to go and do something because Rabbi Freeman told him to do that, >> it's not intimacy. >> It's not a recipe. >> It's not intimacy. It's not something Yeah. You can't follow a recipe. >> But and it's and and and intimacy, physical intimacy can't happen before emotional intimacy. So my whole speech my whole my courses which is four classes three classes where I'm it's me and then I have this interview with professor Ribbner which I ask him the five most uh important questions and by the way I have a tremendous success. I have more than 750 couples signed up and paid for it. It's a new number. >> Yeah >> it's a new number. It's a new number in town. 750 There was couples not singles. >> Wow. 750 couples sit down together. Most of them together with the with with the with the spouse and watch together without pointing fingers. I as them don't point fingers. Now who's like oh now we're talking about you. Okay let's go back. >> So where people are really struggling where I think people are struggling is there's no education about it. Okay. You're not talking about it. Figure it out yourself. Okay. Um now now there's the teachers and the kala teachers which are controlled most of them are controlled what to say what not to say which I understand that >> you can't now like most of them are from the kahillas got to be some control here right >> but every new thing has side effects the whole idea of teachers is 35 years old >> when I got married I don't know you but about you when I got married >> it was only alas they were talking I got It was nothing. Okay. But now, like I said before, everybody thinks that, okay, I came well prepared. I'm like, I'm good to go. >> Yeah. >> And they have no idea what what emotional connection is. What is a deep conversation is >> what intimacy is all about. We're talking about emotional intimacy. We're not we're not talking about about physical intimacy. >> It's very profound what you're saying because like you said before, it starts in the kitchen. It doesn't start in the bedroom, >> right? >> You can sometimes hear uh women or men complaining. Uh I'm not a sink. >> I'm not opening up and closing up when you want. Right. >> Um it has to do with with you got to be creative and sensitive and understand what makes this happen. >> Yes. >> This is not something that it's in you can read this in a book. >> And here is where it comes to play the difference in gender. >> Mhm. >> Because when it comes to intimacy, male and female have it's a different language from male and female. >> Right. Now, >> now the male um um reacts to physical and the female rather emotional female a female is a more emotional creature in all in in in day like in a whole schedule. So for a female it's about it's about being with someone that she's emotional she she's emotionally attached. >> She's emotionally attached. >> So if there's no emotional there's no emotional what are you asking for? It's like abusing like what are you doing here? >> Wow. >> And for the male it's about getting his desires, his fantasies, >> right? >> So he's talking about one thing when she's talking about the other thing. >> Two different languages >> and they and they and and if the whole conversation is pick up the cleaners and because they talking 20 minutes about picking up the cleaners now we we have a good conversation. We're communicating well. >> Yeah. >> But there is no emotional there is no emotional um whatever connection. Now, now you're going to add now I want to ask I want to add something very important. What was 50 years ago, 60 years ago? What? Like there was no there was no there was no education, there was no anything. Why was it done different? Do we you ever talk about it? >> Yeah. >> How was how there was no Romans then, >> right? >> Was only in the books. It was Why? Because we used to live in survival mode. >> Mhm. We know we we like the husband the wife both work most of the time right >> we were happy to end the week with having something on the table now the surviving mode connect them we are together in this surviving it's something that connects it's an emotional thing surviving is an emotional feeling and this is what connect them >> right >> makes them feel close oh now we're doing it together this is also gone there's no survival there's no so what is the emotional connection between them Right. >> Smiling doesn't work like that. Now in the beginning of the marriage when everything is like hardy fly, it's flying. It's not real. It's exciting. The excitement like the excitement to the whole new venture. This is what uh makes what once everything falls into place and things are changing and now it's getting reality, >> right? >> So a lot of people are struggling. It's something that is on the to-do list. Yeah. >> Once twice. >> Yeah. >> That's not once, twice. >> What is the idea that they call it in English fall in love? >> Yeah. >> Why? Why they don't call it dual love? >> Because love is something that if you do what you have to do before then you fall into that. It's not something you do it on purpose, right? >> It's falling in. >> If you if you if you do the right thing, you will fall in love, >> right? Because a lot of times you hear um young people complaining that I don't know where they're taking these ideas from or maybe from looking and maybe from reading and so they come home and >> the innocent spouse doesn't even know what you're talking about. >> I mean where what do you want from me because you just saw something over there >> but what you're saying is something very important because if there is an emotional connection it doesn't even come to this >> because if a person has this issue is because you're here for yourself. You want this as a transaction, >> right? >> And that doesn't work with the with the with the other spouse. Is that correct? >> Oh, you're correct. You're more than correct. And this is where this is where where a lot of men are struggling with because like said, muki, right? >> Meaning translated in English, muki is >> stolen waters is sweet. >> Toten water is sweet. So fant fantasies fantasy is not reality, >> right? If you have a fantasy in your head or because >> for whatever reason >> I don't want to mention it on on on in public. I don't want to give ideas >> but I have it daily. I have daily people coming to me. It's so it's so it's get it's got so like in in in the how you call it as normal that I'm already most of my clients I look them in the eyes. >> Yeah. >> And I going to ask them straight forward like tell me where are where are you up to with this stuff? >> Yeah. Because if there is some fantasy in his head, this is a competition with his wife. So there's no way no way she can meet this. >> Of course. And then affects the entire it affects everything. >> If that's if that's if that's gone, the marriage is gone. >> And he's upset that she doesn't work with him. >> He doesn't know what's going on. But the real thing is that >> that we have to what what are the solution? We have to start young enough and alien enough to build a real emotional connection. >> That's what it is. >> And this is why I made this course. >> This is the scores. >> This is what just because of that because I saw from the other side is what like what my walls were listened to. >> Uh I'm happy they can't talk. >> Yeah. You know, but not not there's no mouth, >> right? >> But they listen to and if they will listen to all the secret that the walls are listening there >> things will happen things will go differently. >> Unbelievable stuff and this is something great that you're doing something very very important that helps. Now, do you find that a lot of couples uh the feedback of after this is >> one? Let me tell you one feedback that I have. Every couple that that watch it, I gave I sent an email a code they can listen again and I can I'm able to see exactly how many couples went back. Okay. Now, we have 720 something couples watched and close to 500 went reviewed it again on online. That's almost it's 80%. Wow. >> After watching it live, they're going review it again and again and again. There's there's a reason for that. >> Yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing. >> You know how much how much how much I paid for marketing? >> Zero. >> All on your status. >> All on my status. Zero zero dollars. >> Why? I built some trust there. There's about 8, nine, 10 months watching my stuff. I built it and that's then a day after this course I was so excited about the results that I went on status and I make a whole lecture about look I didn't spend a dollar I was consistent I came every now and then with good stuff this is how marriage works come home every day consistence with your smile with your devotion both of you it's not happening in a second nature is natureow Don't push love. Don't push trust. It's gonna happen automatically. Just be consistent. Do what you have to do. It will happen. >> Wow. What did you do before you did the marriage counseling? >> So, I was a teacher. >> I was a manal, a principal. >> I was I gave out the one of the most famous books in Yiddish, which is still being like is the bestseller. >> It's called Shabas. It's five volumes. It's >> in Yiddish. is special made that for the working tata for the working father. >> Yeah. >> That like it comes to shabas make make sure that you have a nice shabas table. So it has all like you can say dish you can say stories it everything is there. >> So as a manal >> one size fit all. >> Yeah. So as a manal and uh you always were into you know relationships and you always education you always understood the part the part and you always had an eye to these things. So before we start, you know, we want to get into this. We know it says, >> right? >> That means that marriage a person has to get married, leave his family and move on. >> Describe what is marriage? I marriage is something that you have to understand that you live with someone that it does the opposite of you. Mhm. >> This is what says in the Torah. The Torah says not only Yazfra said, what is the just the definition of this line? You can't be alone. Don't be by yourself. Don't be selfish. I going to make sure that you you can't be selfish. You can't you can't live with your own ego. You can't live with your own who you are. You're going to have somebody that comes from you which actually comes from who the magician but still I going to create him just he she will think different than you enjoy different things than you are you are enjoying and you got to live with this and this is a daily hourly struggle. >> Yeah. If you don't know like what is the difference between a male and a female, you you you try to figure it out yourself and you can't and you're not successful at this, you can't have a successful marriage. >> The success of a marriage in one line is the more you understand that you don't understand then you're good to go. So, so that's why Schulai is such a big struggle, >> right? One of the major things, >> one of the major things is because you have to work against your grain going in. You have to know that you're going in has zero to do with you, with your expectations, what you know. It is a complete different thing. And the problem is that people go in saying, "I give, you give, we both give." There is a back and forth of 5050. >> It's an exchange business, >> right? The transaction >> transaction >> this is one of the most in most like let let me let me let me tell you what the what the problem is >> really in these days and I like to say hashem created the world about 5,000 in it's pi zion now so it's about 5,787 years okay now the first 5,500 approximately years there was one way of leaving before the machinery came out and then there was the then the machinery came in which changed the world. forget about now the technology but even before that right >> so let's go back to the first 5,000 to 500 years that Hashem created the world and Hashem saysim that this this is kto this is the perfect way everything shall work as it should work now imagine what was the side that the daily schedule from a husband and wife back then the husband went to work went to the he went to the field >> to the field >> good what was the rich man then >> a good field idias the boy is this was the whole idea >> the whole day the wife didn't has no idea where he is >> like kind of there's no text there's no there's no connection she went to the like she wants to wash the clothes from the from the husband by the by the >> the lake >> by the lake and like cried a little bit that she her husband she has a successful day And this was all about. Now the day went by. Now it's starting to get a little bit dark. She's scared. She's alone. And the whole uh cityle wherever it is. Who knows? There's there's uh bad people, good people. Like where is my husband? He's not here. And it's getting darker and darker. So what where is he? Finally, she sees something like something is coming. Oh, it sounds like my husband. Okay. Okay. my husband, my my protector, my savior, you know, >> he's coming. Oh, he's getting closer, closer. Now we going in. Oh, now we Okay, I'm safe. He's like the lock. He's like my savior, my protector. Now she is all in like so excited about him that whatever happens in the house after that next to the fire, people think that the fire making the Romans. So they put him the fireplace. the fireplace like kind of the fireplace is the this is what makes that's a mistake >> the whole idea the whole lifestyle >> so this is when I when this is how Hashem created the world now fast forward it's a new world out there >> it's a lot of a lot of a lot of um women are going to work women in the workforce >> right >> it's missing a lot of this original feeling how a shank who created the world. >> Mhm. >> You know, >> technology changed that. >> Technology is crazy change. >> Yeah. >> Why? Why? Let me give you one line which is a major line in my in my like in my work. In order to connect with your spouse, you have to disconnect from the world. Doesn't go together. It's when you sit together with your spouse and you have a nice conversation. You want to have a deep emotional conversation, an intimate conversation, >> then the only way this can happen is if you disconnect from the world and you connect with your spouse. Now, even for 50 years ago, it was much easier to disconnect from the world in order to connect with your wife. But now it's so like it's it's such a struggle >> to disconnect. People don't realize you can't do both at once from you can't not disconnect from the world and try to connect to connect with your >> spouse. Yeah. >> It's it's true. It's very true what you're saying. Now when two people grow up in different houses right >> and they come together and these couples come into you and they talk to you do you find it's because they are they experienced a whole different life >> right >> so they saw this is normal and they saw that that is normal >> now do you see that the expectations what people have from the other is what the problem is there that is your advice to leave all your expectations out the door and start fresh or the wife should uh get used to the new >> no you can't do that you can write it in a book that you should do that >> but you know that subconsciously which is much much more than conscious subconsciously everybody >> if if you like I I always say marriage is chapter number two in your life right there's a chapter one so what is chapter one >> chapter one is the first 20 years. >> Did you grow up? >> Did you grow up? You're never going to go into a bookstore and say, you know what, can I can I buy chapter two? You're not going to buy chapter two without chapter one because chapter two without chapter one is is not a set. Same thing is a life. Chapter one is automatically there. You can't it's part of your life. But how >> like so so the to says alkine is which means like >> you have to leave it behind. >> Not leave it behind. Not only leave the house, leave like leave everything like start something start let marriage life as chapter one but it's still not chapter one subconsciously chapter one is always it's always there it's always in the back of your mind. How do you do that? >> So how do you do that? >> So we have everything is in kazal. We has we have a lineal that says when there is love this takes over everything. Now once there is a real deep emotional connection between husband and wife, the Mishna he teaches us means the normal way is that you should stick to your subconscious and and like you should not want to leave anything that you you take with your parents. We're not talking about hidden now. We're talking about habits, natures and and recipes whatever it is right technical stuff >> uh but even even emotional stuff mental stuff but uh when there is a hava when there is connection like everything falls in place now the question arise how do you make a >> how did you come to how did you come to have okay this is something we can discuss let's say in the environment >> right >> in also in the other environment uh we should discuss about dating versus a bishau it's called like you said a few a few times and you talk I mean there's a lot of information going on and all this stuff so these are two strangers they're coming together and we want to get to what you just said we want to get to a we want to get to >> right >> what builds that from the beginning for a young couple >> so they can get to that level that you just described because when the love is there everything falls into place it's till You get it >> right? So first of all, what is love? >> Yes, >> we have a we have a wrong sometimes some people have a wrong definition of love. When you talk about intimacy or you talk about love or anything related to this, they think about one thing that I don't want to mention here. >> Yeah. But that's not love. >> Which is wrong. >> Yeah. But that's not love. It's not it's not love. This is some it's maybe a outcome of love, >> right? >> But that's not what love, right? Love is when you have a conversation with someone and you're ready to share something secrets about your life, struggles in your life, ups and downs in your life that you never comfortable to share with someone else even your closest friends because you but just because you are my spouse you are like I'm we are together in this game right let's do it Good. >> It's beautiful what you're saying, but how does a person have that trust? Because a person two strangers come in together and they said, "You know what? I want to share." >> But you you didn't you don't have that trust yet. >> No. >> How does how does one person show the other that this is safe? What's what what you're going to share, I'm going to respect that, >> right? >> And I'm not going to shame you for that. I'm not going to laugh at that. >> This is my inner >> kind. I understand if someone is there and he wants to do it but how do you get both people to be on the same page? >> Beautiful question. The answer is we all we all are after we getting married we have a stage which is just like this like just shers just like both are flying still you know they didn't land yet right >> but after landing everybody's landing in a different time automatically the brain this is what the brain is going to do for you the brain will check like can I open myself up like with small things like I want to do this. I want to do that. I want to do this. I It's like I want to I want to share with you something. I want to show you a I want to throw you a like show you a sign. This is what I am all about. Waiting to see the response. Am I going to get judged, >> right? >> Or I going to be understood? >> Yeah. >> Like where is this? Where is this little conversation going to go? >> Is the conversation is going to go well? Yes, I'm here for you. I understand you. even you don't agree with that stuff, but at least we can talk about it. I'm open to talk about it. And the more you open yourself up each other, the more you you trust each other and the more you love each other. It's interesting in this, you know, how many companies are making cards. You can buy cards to help you have a conversation, have a open conversation. They call it ice breakers, >> right? >> Uh in the Yiddish world, it doesn't exist. Now, >> I think in dating, they have these cards on dates when the two are sitting together. Sometimes they pull it out, they make a conversation. I'm just saying this is a concept. >> But you know, um the other day, I think it was this week, I posted on my status, which is my status. I had about 10,000 followers, and I'm not like there's no advertisements there. It's only about marriage to relationship. >> Yeah. And you could see the response of people. You know, people are not responding so fast. If people responding, you know that it was a good message, right? >> And I was responding about when was the last time you just sit down with your spouse next to each other even in the in the two special weeks as I call it when this is going to happen. >> We need to talk just because we are husband and wife. We want to have a good conversation. Right. >> So when was the first time the last time that you have a conversation not about technical stuff, not about things that you have like you have to have to pick up this and do this with the kid. No, about yourself. About just about yourself, your goals, your your down your your success, your even your your your downfalls, your everything everything about your life. You know how connecting this is again disconnect from the world and connecting to each other just by having this conversations for 20 minutes 25 minutes without phones >> right >> without any interruption this is what's connecting two people and what happens after that whatever it's something that is naturally >> not the other way around I always say intimacy is something that happens in the kitchen first not in the other rooms Correct. So what you're saying is that a person should give a chance for the other person to open up. You give them a little test. You try to share a little bit about your life and you test the waters to see if that person is responding the way you want to respond the way you you like it. The way you like it. >> Interesting. Want to listen to each other. >> Then automatically that other person naturally would also open up and then it builds and builds and it comes to a hava. That's what comes to become. >> The most important thing is to remember as we started male and female have a different language and you got to you got to talk the other the other gender's language. I want to share with you an interesting story that happens in my office is was I was giving a a short lecture on status before yont pis and I explained for the for the audience whoever it is that you give a compliment for a for your wife after cleaning before pis it's not the same thing giving a compliment for the gab madish now but the gab mismedish if you go like this to him wow you're doing wonderful look the should you're you're a mench >> you're you're a giver. >> Yeah. >> Now imagine you come on, you come home after a like after a full day being at work and you your wife is telling you, you know, AI, today I did the pisadig. I did the dining room. It took me five hours and you want to be a nice husband. You go like this. Wow, job well done. And she's like, that's not a compliment. Rather, find the detail because woman's language is about details. Find the detail. this piece there like how you did it how so I gave this uh short lecture >> right >> and I posted I status and there was a ying man sitting in the car before pes and he was listening to this and he thought wow like he was he's married for 22 years like he never ever knew that there's even a difference in language or in thinking between a male and a female but he's a good guy he went up to his wife and sure enough the wife told him, "Wow, before past, you know what I did today? The kitchen and he remembered the lecture." Say, "Wow, the kitchen today. >> Oh, how about this the stove?" Like underneath the stove got to be a lot of a lot of garbage there. Wow. This was got to be and she like she was like and go like staring on her like are you drunk or something is going on with you? believe it. >> She wasn't she wasn't. And then did he listen to somebody now? Like who like who's involved here? >> And and and he was like, "No, that's me. That's naturally me. Don't like she's a smart woman." But I met this guy Pis and Shul. And he told me, you know, you saved my Y. It's I I started a new life. This is how sometimes with a little guidance, with a lecture of five minutes, >> Yeah. You can sometimes change someone's life >> and that's what motivates me. >> Let me ask you a question. Sometimes you see couples who are jealous on each other which means that the wife is jealous at her husband instead of them to be um >> to become one. There's some sort of competition between the two of them and he wants to grow. He has to grow in his own level. use, let's say, if he likes certain things, if he likes to give a shar or if he'll pull him down >> or it's the other way around. Where's that toxicity that that instead we are doing this together, we have children together, all of a sudden you're a competition for each other. >> Um, it's not so often I would say I would say if this is happening, the core of the problem, we always have to go to the core. The core of the problem is that she is not getting appreciated for her stuff >> and he is not getting or he is not getting respecting for what he is doing. If she is taking care or he is taking care and this is not the easy task. It's not an easy task. It's it's it's something it's something daily but it's not a major thing like you can do it like like I give you I give you like I give you like an an idea okay that a lot a lot of a lot of a lot of men are struggling with that when a man comes home after a full day of working and the wife the first thing is hello hi but then she started like to upload >> everything she has >> and he's kind Like a lot of I have a lot of men call me about that like I just came home like like like like like like like give me chill give me give me a few minutes >> and she's just like okay you came home that's like we are together right we are together but but wait 50 minutes let me >> so what is what is going what is what is behind the scenes here behind the scenes and if you don't know you can live forever with so much so much ag but if you do know listen to this it's going to change your perspective for a Second, so we man have this nature that Hashem gives us gives is about we are problem solvers. This is what we were created to bring pan. We are we are solving always problems, right? This is what we're doing. Now a wife is not a problem solver. It's not a female thing. It's a male thing. So when she comes, she knows her husband is her protector. He's the like we said before like this. He he's the masculine person. He's the he's the he's the he's the shimemer. He's the he's the he's the giver, the mashia, whatever you want to call it, right? >> She wants one thing. My sh my protector came home. I want a listening ear. I want someone to listen to me. He from his perspective because he is a male. He feels okay, I have to there's so many problems I have to solve. No, nobody ask you to solve problems. Now we all we ask you is listen. So show some empathy, >> right? >> Listen and say, "Wow, you have a tough tough day." End of the end of the game. Now >> so to answer your question, when there is there is a miscommunication between husband to wife, this is when all this stuff you just mentioned are starting. Mhm. >> Then he feels he she is bothered with him, he is bothered with her and this is what brings all the problems. >> So it's a miscommunication thing is what you're saying. >> Yes. Always >> miscommunication doesn't mean that in surely you're not a communicator, >> right? >> And she she is a rabbitson in the in the the solution, right? But between them, between opposite genders that has to be the closest two people in the world and you don't know how, automatically you are on fire. No. Now, what happens if uh one of the there's a couple and one of them don't believe in therapy, one of them doesn't believe in going for help. Um they're just not there. You know, one person says, "You know what? Let's go. Let's figure this out. Let's have communication." And one person just thinks that this this this therapy is is is a joke. >> This is a daily question. >> Yeah. >> Because like all like most of the time the the phone call that I'm getting my secretary is getting the phone call anom anonymously but when it's getting to me it's always the question is how can I bring my spouse in >> correct? >> And my answer is always like this. Most of the time when your spouse is telling you I don't believe in that she or he they they do believe it's not they don't believe in that they don't know exactly what what what to expect like meaning they they are what what they understand is they're going to meet someone that is going just to have a full like a full page of complaints and they're going to have to sit a half an hour and listen and listen and listen to complaints. How about that? And this is also like one of my lines that I will use to my to my clients always when a couple comes in is like let's go from 0 to 100. Okay. This a 40 60 issue or a 5050 or 1090 because if this is a 1090 maybe someone can help you not me. I can help you. I help I help 50 50 40 60s sometimes 70s. >> You mean people who both want to help themselves not >> both feel a part of the problem. Forget about help >> a part of the problem. If if if I always ask a question if the 1090 >> I'm not successful. Most of the time I'm successful because 1090 is like it's it's not true. So let's go back to your question. Most of the time when one is inviting the others to go for help, she or he takes this as rather as a message. You you you don't have the power or wherever to explain me how bad I am. Now you're going to take me to a therapist which will help you explain for me that I'm a problem. Right? >> So the answer is not >> your side also. >> Right? Now we have two against one. >> Right? So it's not that I don't believe in therapy. It's not I don't believe in someone complaining about me. >> So what you're saying is if someone understands that and you know how to articulate that and explain the other person that this is not about blaming and this is not about hanging up a flag and telling you how wrong you are. This is about helping each other. You can get anybody to come. >> Yeah. Because everybody everybody wants at the end of the day everybody wants to be good. >> Everybody wants to >> everybody wants to have a healthy relationship, >> right? >> Especially if someone um I if someone like I'm telling people you're not here you know you know how many people I saw last year I saw about 135 couples >> and this this is not this not like it's not like about rich people or or just like people that don't poor people beautiful families everything it happens to be not everybody is getting it now we could talk about about the new way of of scholar teaches it's the podcast. >> We could talk about it, but but but just just in a nutshell, >> I feel that sometimes the old way which is when I got married 3 or five years ago because I only got one lesson. We knew we didn't got everything because it can't be everything in one lesson. So we knew that something is missing or we gonna get it or we gonna go somewhere. Since there is eight lessons before the marriage, you feel okay, I am fully prepared. There's nothing more information that I can like figure find out about. But guess what? >> He didn't hear anything. It's it's it's >> it's just the way in. >> How many times do you see that one of them one of the one one of the one spouse becomes the therapist in the marriage? a lot of times. >> Yeah. But why is that healthy or not? >> No, of course not. Um I have Let Let me explain it to you what what I'm doing and how I'm trying to avoid what you just said. Everybody has ego. Me and you. Sorry. Okay. But we have ego. When we have an argument, how we control oursel? Is it is it is the argument about the subject that we're talking about or it's about me bar? It's me or you? It's it sometimes it takes a it takes a second to go from a healthy argument about the subject to an unhealthy argument about who is the you know who is who is >> whoa >> who is alova like which this is and this is taboo like this is kind of real toxic. It's it's not good. I like to like my advice is always like when you want to have an argument with your with your anything you want to deliver for your spouse ask them you know when is a good time to talk tomorrow or a day after not now not on the spot not not spontaneous >> first of all let's have a good conversation and let's let's schedule it >> the idea is not when you are like kind of uh >> right >> um whatever you know >> worked up >> yes yes so first of It's a message that it's not going to be about my ego. It's going to be about the subject we're going to talk. Then it's not about me or you. It's about both of us, right? And it's and and most of the time when it's about when you have when when this when it's scheduled and it's go with the time, it's the conversation is going good. >> Mhm. >> And it's not about therapies like helping each other. It's about helping us. Let's work together. Let's grow together. >> Right. Right. Now, is there ever a time that you told a couple or you told one of them that they have to run that there is nothing to do? >> Uh there was once or twice because of a personality disorder. >> No, no. Sometimes when there is there's it's a not when there are like not when there's a family. >> Mhm. there's no family and one of them really doesn't want to work like want to don't want to participate >> even they're going to say yes I'm here you know it's nice to say I'm here everybody is here >> but really if there there are people there are stubborn they don't understand the idea that you have to change yourself >> you have to change yourself they always say there's a bant famous mush how two people are getting close together is you have like a rope, >> a rope. >> So everybody like the husband is on one side of the rope and the the wife is at the other side from the rope. You're starting to cut and to cut and to cut and to cut. >> And as more you cut from the rope, you're getting closer and closer. And the idea is >> if you're ready to give up about yourself a little bit, the more you're ready to give up, the closer you're getting. >> Yeah. Of course. So >> that's the name of the game. >> Yeah. So what do you what happens? Because we see that a lot. People are closed off because of pain and suffering and they chose to to become ice cold, >> right? >> And this is their mechanis. This is their defense mechanism because if they would open up the pain would be unbearable, >> right? >> So the question is >> how does a a wife or a husband who comes in who is an emotional person who is a sponge, >> right? >> Living with a person who decided that they will shut their feelings off because they have no other I mean this is their mechanism. They said if I open this up, >> right? >> What do you say to a couple like that? >> So, most of the time there's a reason behind that. There's a reason behind it. I don't first of all, I don't like to just put labels. >> The ABC labels. I don't like that. >> I believe we are we are different. We are hidden. We have a toy. We have Mrs. Surum. We have We have We are different. We are different. You're reading books from other cultures. Good. You can read whatever you want. >> You know, there's a says that even in in the doctors are aware that the that that that the Eden with the nonJewish are it's there's a difference. Anyway, this is it. >> So, back to your question, I don't believe in the labels. >> Mhm. >> I do I don't believe in the labels. So, there's always an exception. Again, there's always an exception, but most of the time, if one of the spouse is open enough not to judge, and you got you got to you got to be patient with this. Like it goes step by step. It doesn't go in one second like open up a little bit, a little bit, fall back, open up. >> But if this is the goal and you have daily conversations and comfortable conversations, make the environment should be kishmak. >> Yeah. prepare some smoothies, make it make it delicious, make it good. >> So, a positive environment in at least trying what to do. You think you can >> The same close person is going to the is going in business and have to have a conversation with a Chinese which which speaks ch China and he speaks English. They're getting along because the million-doll deal is not going to happen otherwise, >> right? Yeah. Yeah. So, he knows where he knows where to talk. >> He knows where to talk. >> Yeah. Now as far as parents do you find that parents get involved uh and that hurts the shumbay? >> Oh yeah >> a lot. >> A lot. The reason why is you know I have a it's not a joke but I say I say it in a jokey way always like when parents are calling me I will say I want to ask you a question a personal question. How's you >> right? >> And the answer is so so you did you decide so how how come you're not coming like are you going for hell? No. Why? We decided that um >> we'll handle it. >> We'll handle it. So why do you decide you handle it? Some you have something in mind like something something you have like a weak like something is you like something about him and because you like something about him or her you decided to go ahead with your life. Guess what? The same as with your children. You don't you can't decide for them >> right >> now. It's very like it it's a it's a topic that's >> it's a it's a huge topic. I spoke to some parents and >> there this is a very there's a very fine line because because you know first of all there second of all which is a big issue and then the second world parents put their own opinions and their own ideas sometimes they like the son-in-law they like this the the wife likes the daughter-in-law doesn't >> but sometimes there are two parents who sitting and watching something going down and they feel that they it is wrong Right? >> They have to save the child and then they hold back because it's not my job. I just let them do whatever they want. Nobody told me and I'm not going to say. So where does a person know that >> they should always ask someone else? No. Never. >> Never trust yourself. >> Don't trust yourself because who is yourself? >> Right? >> Who is who is the yourself here? >> Very important point what you're saying right now. >> Don't trust yourself. Never ever ask a smart person a smart dastori means we talk about dto is not not the same dying that you ask the shala if you forgot to signal >> right >> maybe he's good on that but ask somebody that has the experience in this field is there's not too many raun >> that that that have both of them. >> Yeah. No, it's very important what you're saying, but it's a very profound because people feel they're right. And you're saying never trust yourself. It's very very important. >> Yourself. >> Yeah. >> Yourself is your subconscious which is not you're not in control and it's 70 it's n it's about 93% of you. >> It's very very important. Let me ask you another interesting question. What is the difference? How do you know a difference when it's abuse and when it's just a disagreement? You can first of all abuse is not only in this particular complaint a person that is about to abuse somebody is a sick person. >> Yeah. >> And a sick person is not only sick in this particular thing. He seeks he's taken all subjects >> like where explain it >> even in in the intimacy life in the in the at work force. >> It's a whole it's a whole picture. It's a whole picture. >> It's when you take one particular thing and you just aim on this and this is where you find >> the abuse. >> The abuse like well how about how about there is he's involved with >> a million other >> 50 other people 50 other things in and it's excellently brilliant there. Something is off. >> Yeah, something is off. Let's find Let's Let's go a little bit deeper. Let's find what's going on there. >> Yeah, that's very smart. So, what you're saying is if someone is abusive, you will see it in all avenues of his life, >> in some avenues. >> Yes. Yes. Now, what about um which is very complicated a lot of times. Um there's abuse. when it comes to abuse and punishment about the silent treatment you're familiar with with invisible punishment which means that sometimes some uh uh uh there's abuse >> with witnesses >> he's disrespectful >> he's doing some but then there is this quiet manipulating type of abuse that sometimes the spouse can't even she looks like a fool explaining it right >> she doesn't have who to explain it right >> that is next level abuse how does a person deal with Yeah. >> Yeah. Let me explain you something. There's not a solution for every problem, >> right? >> Um I'm dealing with something like this right now. Um a lot of people bring this inherited from their parents. >> You know, I have something interesting like some like couples coming into me, they ask me for where should I start? Where should I start? So my response will always be you start from where you feel that I have to know and it's interesting like the brain is sending messages to the person start here start there most people are going to start from the childhood and how the parents like how the relationship was there >> like like I I never saw something like uh whatever like like like a closeness between between my father and mother which is very important By the way, like special people think that that because there is something's got to be private. Not everything has to be private. Children has children should see and they can feel it. They are the spies in our house. You know, if you want to if you want to know if you have Shambias, ask your child. >> Right now, let me ask you this, and I don't know if this is just uh but in the world, affection is not uh there was not a lot of hugging going on in public. I'm talking about hugging the kids. >> You know what I mean? There was maybe it was after the Holocaust. I don't know what it is, but there is not a lot of public affection. Um, you don't Is that true? >> Something that it's it's true. It It's Yeah, it's true. Why that is if has to do with the Holocaust? Maybe. >> I don't know what it is, but they were not trying. They they felt it's a maybe it's more modern or a go. They were staying away from this, you know, there was private is private and public is public. They could show a tremendous amount of love, but mostly talking or mostly, you know, actions, you know, these people would go in fire for those kids. >> But I think I think it has to do with um with the new world. Let me tell you something. I I am my father is second generation after the Holocaust. M >> when I went to show with my father always >> he grabbed your hand. >> He grabbed my hand. I I didn't I I'm not going like this with my children. >> No. No. It's different culture now. >> It's a different culture. >> But you were saying it's very important to show affection to the kids. You were saying that it is you shouldn't hide everything, right? >> I think I think it's very important that people that children should see they should feel a good environment between between the Tati and mommy. >> Mhm. um the conversations and the atmosphere. You can't hide stuff. >> Yeah. The way they talk to each other at the table, you can feel it. >> You can't hide stuff. You can't hide stuff. The you like I told like like I told you, they can you can ask your children what do you think today? How is it how is the relationship today? They're going to tell you. You're gonna be amazed to see >> their aunt. >> Yeah. >> How are like that's why it's so important. >> Yeah. It's if if if you are thinking about making your relation better, just think about your children. Your children are first of all, they're going to copy you because they have no other place where to see how a husband to wife has to beat each other only by their uh parents and then it has an effect on the whole bring up. You know how many couples are starting the story by me? Tati and mommy didn't have the the most nicest relationship. tremendous effect what child what what parenting has so people don't even know how how I mean it's a huge responsibility but it's it shapes the child the first 20 years of their life shapes that child and then they take another 50 years to unwire what the first 20 years >> this is a this is a subconscious part of that >> yeah it's amazing stuff let me ask you a question um can a person after 15 20 years not having the greatest marriage can they change. >> Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I have it every day. Most of my clients are this stage in life. Why? First of all, they only come to me when it's 911. >> Right. >> In the beginning of my career, I start to I tried to explain to people I have there's a 311 also in New York. So >> why do you use me as a 911? I gave up already because this is the fact because we are I don't know who the we are who the we is but we are a culture is you buy whatever you buy air condition you just throw out the information you throw out the direction you throw out everything because you're going to figure it out yourself >> this is our nature our culture and this is what how we try to doing at the marriage too we going to figure it out if not today tomorrow not tomorrow and all I got going to figure out everything in life but guess what the air condition you can change the spouse you can't. Now when they come to me it's already 911 right sometimes listen 15 20 years they feel like it's already it's 911 >> right >> but the way I'm doing it is first of all I will send out the husband to other room have two offices I will talk separately to the wife separately to the husband okay and figure out what's going on okay I used to send out the wife also and like to the other I like I find out that they get >> they don't like to be set out. This is also something that ma male and female difference. >> So the male is going out, the female stays in the in the room and I I talk separately to each other like for a half an hour and I have my intuition to figure out what is missing here. Mhm. >> And sometimes, believe it or not, one idea, two ideas, if they apply the two ideas to their marriage, everything is changed. >> Mhm. >> And it's not something like it's not a miracle. Look in business. I want to ask you a question. Somebody sees that the business his business doesn't go as he he wants to he goes to a to a coach whatever. What is the coach doing >> or or change the branding, change something and and it works miracles. So what what what changed here? So you just sometimes changing a lines, changing two line, changing an idea, changing a a perspective, a perspective on marriage, >> right? >> Just the idea, listen to this idea, just the idea that the way you think and the way your spouse are thinking is different. I have in my office, I have a big book which is called male brain and the other one is female brain is in two different books. So just the idea that sometimes you can be sure that I am right and now she is not right or vice versa. >> You can only think with your own brain. You can't think with the others, >> right? >> So you're thinking with the male brain and she's thinking with the female brain. So >> but both have to be open to to listen. >> So you have to be open to understand it and open to understand each other. >> And sometimes just by showing your spouse that you're ready to understand them, >> it's okay. Makes sense. How many uh divorces is happening in the community? >> So you know you know my my my my there was a video a video from me like I gave out two years ago. I was >> you remember I was interviewed with the army magazine. >> So the whole interview was about this >> this one uh clip which was about 30 divorces in one day. It was ear. So the ear most of people like most are not giving an ear because if the right ear with two or with one >> so they stay away one month they stay away one month but but instead of this it's still Niss. So they do a lot of like this is the day that you like you're pushing it like the whole winter pushing for the forest Niss whatever l whatever I don't remember. Yes. So it was once 30 divorces in one day. But I'm I'm not concerned about the divorces. Divorces is doesn't it doesn't that's not the issue that hits me. I am more concerned about the marriages that stay together and they're not married. >> Married and still not married >> is worse. >> It's worse. And it's a bigger problem in this community which because I I'm ashamed to say the percentage I think of couples in the community that are only married on the books. There's no anything more than than being called married like you could put a legal like you put a M in the box. You could check off the box married >> but nothing more than this. >> This is amazing. not normal numbers >> and the and pain point about this is because it can be prevented and helped in a matter of two hours. >> Wow. What is the hardest part for a person to break about himself when it comes to marriage? To find out that he is the smartest person at work, smartest person in shest person everyone everywhere people are asking him >> advice >> advice and when it comes to his own shulias his own wife he's down the drain >> person needs to recognize that. How can it be? How can it be? Because this is the because this is the only place that he has to give away from himself. He has to give up. He has to give up who demonition gave up his bone to build. And that's how he got a wife to show. No other creature was like this. Only the only This is amazing stuff. It's it's that's the hard labor. That's the hard work to break yourself and to recognize that maybe like you said before, don't trust yourself. Who do you think you are, >> right? >> You're living with your with your head in shama. You think that you're the best. So to come to that humbleness is the key. >> Yeah. This is only when it's 911. And you know what how the 911 is? >> When the wife will say something I can't say in public, but she will say something that he sees, okay, there's no way out here. I'm not going. >> Yeah. >> Which is something I don't want to discuss in public. The whole idea of not going. >> Yeah. Because if if she refuses to go, that's the sign is what you're saying. >> Oh, this is something that sometimes they feel is the only way >> to power back. >> To gra power back to send the message. But the men >> to show how hurt how how hurt I am. >> But the men call her a mother. The men call her uh you know that she's uh playing games. >> Yeah. Because he can't sometimes he can't understand the pain. >> He will never sometimes they they don't understand the pain. >> They don't understand it. But then the other side around I like to use this an example just when I like when a husband comes home from wherever he comes and the the wife will tell him you know moisha you know fix the light years like two day like two weeks it's not working he goes up on on a step put in the light and she goes like wow you are good he feels amazing right >> then then he goes into the kitchen and she makes a scramble egg and he goes wow you're a chef Are you kidding me? Like what's what is the difference here? Why two minutes ago when he did something that every 10 yearear-old can do and the wife told him you're amazing, he felt good. She doesn't she's not talks about that because a man comes from from soil with demolition. Yeah. >> Was born from soil. He's always like he needs always like like acknowledgement. >> It's like it brings him from nobody to somebody in a minute. But he's going from a somebody to nobody also in a minute, >> right? >> A woman is you're not getting it so fast up and you're not getting it so fast down. >> So what is she looking for? >> She is looking for appreciation, validation. >> Listen to me. Feel my pain. Have empathy with me. Have sympathy with me. >> You know, I once spoke give a douche for and I told him, "Let me tell you a secret. Whatever you can buy on the street and you do it at home doesn't bring connection. You bring home for the grocery nice there's eats now the live everything. What is it something that only you can do? What is it? >> A a compliment from a husband, >> an acknowledgement from a husband. And the same thing is vice versa. You can't buy it. You can you can call up a friend and and get a comp and get a compliment. But a compliment from a husband, >> it's not the same. >> Not the same. Rich guy from a rich guy from Bun came into my in my office and was like, you know, a really rich guy, a filthy rich guy. I am buying for my wife every eight of Shabas flowers for 180 doesn't do anything. And then he's like knocking on my on my on my on my desk. Did you ever do you ever hear something like that? buying flowers for 180. Which husband is buying flowers 180? So I told him, you are not a husband that buying flowers for 180. You want to get to be a husband with a 180. She's not stupid. She's smart. Be a husband. Doesn't cost you 180. Cost you much less be a husband. And then you can buy flowers with $85. >> You don't need 180. >> Yeah, true. 100% true. Um, what are most complaints that women have? >> Woman, nobody home. Nobody home. Meaning, if this part, if this podcast can do one thing, >> Mhm. >> which should be you come home for an hour, take this phone and leave it in the car. >> People will think, "Oh, this guy is a filmer guy. This is he's he's too spiritual for me." Yeah, >> it's not about spirit. It's not about spirituality. It's about I just mentioned in the beginning of the podcast, you have to disconnect from the world if you want to reconnect with your spouse. And you can't disconnect if you have your phone on yourself. That's not the definition of disconnection. >> That's not disconnection. >> Wow. Now, you recommend people to check in with their spouses. Why is that that a lot of like a lot of wives will call will call the house in the middle of the day? >> A lot of them call >> and then listen and then after two minutes they can hang up the phone. >> So the same way a man will check a few times a day his bank account, >> right? >> Not not in the bank but in his head. Am I settled? Am I good to go? >> Right? >> Am I financially stable? The same way the wife which has a female brain wants to check do I have a husband. Now how is she checking your husband if she calls up just by the hello listen to this just by the tone of the hello they know everything. >> Yeah. >> And they're they're good to go. >> They're fine. They're fine. >> They're fine the same way as thousand years ago they wasn't able to do it. But the whole boss, I wish I can. I know I have my husband that comes home when when it's getting dark outside. I have somebody that cares for me, protect me, is here for me, is devoted for me. >> Right? >> That what that's what they want to know. >> And sometimes they have to call five times a day. Like somebody called me, "My wife is bothering me five times a day." I told them, "Be nice the first time. She will know she has a husband, that she good to go." Otherwise, she'll check in again. >> That's it. Till she got the message clear. >> Yeah, makes sense. I want to finalize with this. >> Okay. >> Um, it says, >> right? >> I want to talk about the spirituality part part, >> right? >> Which means that you see a lot of couples working with, >> right? How important is to incorporate the living with the I understand we talked about you know physical and emotional and do this and ask somebody else a lot of good stuff we covered today >> but the core for a person yman or middleage to know that there is a and this is your bash and this is made for you to bring out the best in you to become a different person. How does that help? If a person has that in their life, how does that help a marriage? >> This is number one in the marriage. >> Yeah. >> This is something that without that it's not only it's not only about marriage. I think it's about the whole entire life. >> Correct. >> It's about the entire life. Um talking about the men is beautiful. Now I want to add just one thing that people are mistaking about the minimum or even ding to hashem. If you d to Hashem or you pray to Hashem or you you're um you thank Hashem most a lot of people are doing it because Hashem did what I want correct he agreed around the world they yes but the real and the real way to take is I don't understand exactly why he did it to me but he's the he's the he's the >> it's his roots >> it's his roots and and when I'm praying I'm praying like do like do what is good for me do what is good for me and the same way you think Hashem wherever it happens it's like okay it meant to be this is the way he wants this is the way I was created and when you have this in your life you have such an easy life >> so when you sit with couples >> right >> and you find that the wife or the husband has a little bit yay he's a little bit understanding that that I am not running the world that is somebody else who's running the world. We're having some difficulties but you're obviously a gift in my life and I'm a gift in your life. We just have to straighten it out and the helps. There are people who can help out there. You can go to a third party and stuff like do you find you have an easier time than with people who are mudy mode? >> Definitely. Uh it's a different language. You use a different language. you can you can you have much you have much more um content to sell like you can open uh you can open books you know like I have two sides in my in my room I have books and then I have the shas so books is it's it's most of them are not Jewish >> and going back to that that parenting is so important because parenting if they plant this into the children that there is and if you and if you if you if you're a person with shamim >> now you have to be okay even it's not okay for you. That's the main that's that's the point. The point >> that's a >> being okay even if it's not okay. >> Where where's the minute starting >> where logic ends. >> It's where logic ends. The same with the same thing is with thanking Hashem. Yeah. All the signs. Thank you Hashem. Thank which is very important. But >> the meaning of thank you Hashem is not because I understand that because if is if it's because of you you thank yourself. You're not thanking Hashem. >> 100%. Let me ask you what kind of swarm are you connected to? What's giving you a drive? Where is your where do you get your fire from? Which >> gamur from from from the shim that you give? >> Yes. >> Rabbi Freriedman also gives a powerful daily >> Rabbi Moshu from old heard about the he came to visit the Shia and then we started to be on old and then the Torah any time. So how many people are listening >> right now between Torah any time and all and my private phone line and many other platforms that that I don't even know I have more than 10,000 people listening a day >> wow >> toem >> that is an amazing accomplishment >> when you are in the gur the way like the way aid have to be I'm again I'm giving three shir a day I'm preparing two hours plus each every she so made the calculation gamura is when you when you are in the gamura as you should be I wouldn't say I'm I have a lot of I have room to grow >> right >> but yes this is where uh and there is here and there I have like I have my >> swood that inspire you >> and my swam I have my sources I'm I'm I'm uh I'm buying a lot of books I can say I have about four to 500 books about marriage in my yes >> because everybody has something that you can you can get something out of it and I want to tell you something about let me let me just add about therapy I want I think it's important to be on whe they go to therapy or not go to therapy I have a lot of couples coming to me >> after being months by therapy and then they come to me therapy is something that is again it's good but people have to remember therapy is not a doctor you go to a doctor you have pain somewhere he takes X-ray, MRI. He can give he can give you a diagnose based on what the pictures are showing. Yes, the X-rays are showing. You go to the therapist or psychiatrist. There's no X-ray. There's no MRI. What is there? They went to school and basically they have a lot of folders in their mind. One is called bipolar, one is called OCD, whatever it is. And the more they connecting to you, they feel you. They in their mind, oh, this is the folder I have to take out. They have to work. Most of the time they're right. But sometimes they're not. Now, if you go for weeks and weeks and you're not getting anywhere and you're just going because your friend told you or the referral told you that this guy is or this lady is fantastic, she or he might be fantastic, but not for everybody. And if you don't see a change, change the therapist. >> It is okay to switch out a few fine. I have I'm not the therapist. I'm not the licensed person. But if after a certain time, I wouldn't mention the number because the number is different. But this at a certain time, I will say for my client, time to change. >> Wow. We had an incredible conversation today. >> Thank you very much. >> A heartfelt incredible conversation. It's it's it's unbelievable stuff. And what we learned today is that um marriage is not shulias is not a luxury. It's a necessity. We have to have it. It's it's a it's a non-negotiable. So I want to thank you for joining us >> and thank you for thank you for doing what you're doing and giving this course and helping other people. You should have and giz and everything your heart desires. >> Thank you very much. >> Thank you for coming. >> Appreciate you. Chaos.