(Way#17) MARRIAGE POWER:: 48 Ways with Rabbi Aaron Dovid Poston

[Music] oh i lost my camera hey folks uh welcome back to another episode live from jerusalem with rabbi aaron david poston unfortunately we haven't had a broadcast in the last few weeks so i had to chroma key myself in here really quickly um because i just set this up so forgive me if it doesn't look perfect let's just jump right into rabbi it's been a wonderful class so far uh teaching us the 48 ways to wisdom and i know he's not going to disappoint today so let's jump right in ram i posted so good to be with you it's been a few weeks i missed you i missed the wisdom of torah and i look forward to everything you got to share sir thank you very much dan for hosting this i'm glad to be back hopefully everyone had a pleasant um vacation holiday whatever schedule you're on and i'm just really glad to be back and tonight wow i'm going to tell you i have to state first my own humility the topic tonight is um we'll say for um mature adults only i'm kidding you know to a certain extent yes it takes a very mature person to be able to understand these ideas um we're going to call it marriage power the power of marriage okay now just to um just to review the idea there are the 48 ways to wisdom of north weinberg that's all right this was his um i don't know what you want to call it you know one of his mainstays when it came to his his um lectures his the curriculum he wanted to advance people right to acquire torah and it matches up with the time period we're in right now called the counting of the omer right we count 49 days till the revelation at mount sinai so during these 48 ways we don't just count time we make time count right we take advantage of the ways this is ghazal the great rabbis explained during these 48 to 49 days we are supposed to grow we're supposed to make ourselves vessels to acquire the torah so it's not just for jews to work on their character obviously every human being has issues uh character flaws character development so therefore this class of the 40 ways to acquire wisdom is definitely appropriate now some of the details we're talking about marriage issues such as neither you know when a woman is in the process of her menstrual cycle so there are a lot of restrictions and even rabbinical restrictions for jewish men and jewish women so these are obviously not um prescribed right they're not even obligated although there are there's a tremendous amount of wisdom that we're going to discuss tonight that you i think will be enlightening right and you can acquire you can take on you could um apply and apply the wisdom of whatever it is we're talking about into your own life it doesn't just doesn't apply on the exact same level but the wisdom is just unbelievable right this is really what life is all about so the in hebrew it's this is number 17 by the way and in hebrew it's called derek eretz always means diminishing right so you're diminishing something which is going to help you acquire wisdom and so derek eritz is a very vague term it could mean manners you know being polite but we're not going to use that term tonight it's going to be used in terms of sexual relations and we'll explain why that term is used first of all the rabbis are very modest and they're going to discuss it in a way that is um you know modest what other work can i say clean naki right use lush and lucky a clean language to discuss ideas so one of the principal ideas that we must get across is that intimacy between husband and wife in hebrew it's called judea what does your dia mean judea means knowing right like in the biblical sense okay so when a man knows his wife i mean you just go to um you know which verse that i wanted to use for this in genesis chapter 4 verse 1. and you want to read it in english and then i'll read it in hebrew sir now the man knew his wife eve and she conceived in board kane and she said i have acquired a man with the lord okay so the idea of minimizing called sex okay minimizing the the physical relations because we'll it will then hopefully maximize the other aspects of the relationship and i just wanted to also preface this in my own humility i don't know how much of an example i can be right in my own life okay i've been married several times you know it's uh it's a bit it's a great challenge but a man a woman a man should be married and uh through this the power of marriage you'll see how important it is okay so i have my own challenges and i'm not here to you know talk that much about my own personal life i have a lot of experience and i will share it tonight you know some of it but we're going to try to glean the the gems of not only noah and how he expressed these ideas but through the torah itself so the first thing we just brought this verse now man knew his wife and she conceived so in hebrews so what is this idea of knowing i know in i i i don't like to bash christianity but it ends up happening a lot i i think there is a certain aspect that sex is considered either dirty or a sin to a certain extent i mean i'm not going to get into the ideas but it's not so simple right judaism does not believe in celibacy that we know right we have our even our high priest has to be married right i mean everyone has to be married how can you live your life how can you reach your potential how can you curb your your evil inclination how can you learn to love another human being right the aha loretta you should love another as yourself the ultimate right that's like rabbi kevin says that's the ultimate in judaism if i would sum up all of judaism is love your neighbors yourself the rest is commentary if you're not living with another human being in close proximity you know sharing a bed sharing breakfast sharing your troubles just to to then to and if there's no if there isn't any um friction i mean there has to be right for growth to happen there will be some friction i mean if you marry your clone you'll never grow as a human being i mean so there will be and it's natural to have this tension and the question is what to do about it and how to handle it so in in respect to a jewish marriage some things will seem very unnatural and out of place but hopefully through what we talk about tonight it will clarify right you'll be able to see why we do what we do and hopefully you'll glean uh pieces of wisdom for your own life so even the first of the commandments right to know that hashem is your god right even though it says number one commandment i am the lord your god we all know that is a command to know god okay idea means to know it means intimacy if i would say i know that woman who's just walking across the street i wouldn't use the word in hebrew yadia i wouldn't say i know her that would mean uh she's my wife i would say in hebrew anima i recognize her it's like a big difference i'm aware of her presence and that's it but to know somebody intimately like we know hashem over and over the torah says to know me right you have to know hashem so obviously knowing is actually a positive thing and this whole marriage thing is in order for us to ultimately have a relationship with hashem right there's different types of mitzvahs there's mitsubishiro between man and man and there's mixes between man and god and ultimately the we talked about the sixth the fifth the fifth commandment is um honoring your parents why is it in the first set of tablets the first five deal with between you and god the last five the second set of the second set the second of the two tablets are misses between man and other human beings yet honoring your parents is in the first set it's number five it's because that's ultimately hopefully how you can come to a a awe and a respect for hashem so through marriage and i know my wife she is so spiritual she says i mean she was uh single for a long time and she said the only reason i really wanted to get married is to know hashem to feel what it means to be in a covenant with another human being and to know hashem so hopefully that is ultimately our goal we can all get to that point my wife is very very holy so just to know the very first idea we just read was in genesis chapter four verse one okay so in judaism a marriage is called kedushin so if you if you if your ear is attuned you hear the word kadosh in kedushin that is like a verb right it's the coming together so i think even in english they call it holy matrimony they do call it holy right i mean i think that's i don't know maybe certain religious religions call it that i know today there's even like this concept i guess secular marriage or civil law marriage maybe they don't use the word holy matrimony definitely i don't know but the idea is that it is kadosh kadosh means separate right she is now separate from all other men and you are dedicated to taking care of her so like i said about the aha kamoka learning how to love another another human being because the man in the marriage is committing himself to all kinds of of commitments to her she's she's just agreeing to be separate from anybody else she's only going to be his but he's committing to clothe her to to feed her to shelter her and i'm gonna say i mean i said this is for mature audiences only right he's committing to provide her sexual needs now we will talk about the first year of marriage especially even though we just discussed this idea of mute diminishing derek harris diminishing the sexual act the first year of marriage is an exception in fact i will get into some of the hints in the torah that one should be with their wife that first year every opportunity that he could i mean obviously in judaism we have neither that's the time of the menstrual cycle and there's a few days afterwards could be 12 days on average that a man cannot be with his wife woman cannot be with her husband but so excluding that he should be with her as much as she wants and there's an exception of yom kippur of course but anyway we'll get to that soon enough i want to go through some of the other ideas the song of songs which we actually today we just left the seventh day of passover which fell out on shabbat so we read the song of songs on shabbos on the shabbat of passover call it holy but today this year it was it fell out on the seventh day but we did read we read the whole book in public in synagogue and um the idea is that it's not just holy it's not just in the tanakh because it's holy but our rabbis call the song of songs kodesh kudashim the holy of holies it's about it's describing a love relationship between man and god and there are many illusions sexual illusions between a man and a woman so this is really to get across the idea once again that the natural drives that god gave us for these relationships right from whether it's the woman to the man or the man to the woman is the ultimate drive to get us to the point where we have this i'll call communion intimacy vegas devacus means a cleaving a clinging a like glue right because we will discuss this idea of becoming one flesh i mean so even though in the first year there is a discouragement from miyute a discouragement from minimizing but through the rest of the marriage uh let's just say until pension time right because once a woman passes the point where she does not in neither she's no longer in the menstrual cycle the truth is even when she's pregnant when she's pregnant she's also usually a healthy woman usually does not menstruate either and it could even go on for another year or two while she is nursing so there is um there's no limit let's just say like that when a woman is not menstruating so a man and a woman could be intimate but still nevertheless the idea here is to develop the other parts of the relationship and not to become animalistic not to degrade yourself just because it is permissible in fact we did discuss this and we'll discuss it again tonight the ramban discusses kadoshim to you or i think it's a chapter 19 in leviticus god says you should be holy for i am holy the ramban famously expresses the idea that just because it's permissible to you does not mean you should have a free-for-all you should um be well disciplined right just cause that cake is kosher just because it's pretty and it smells good and it tastes good and it looks good and all that other stuff doesn't mean you can eat the whole cake it doesn't mean you should eat the whole cake right just because it's permissible for you doesn't mean that you should spend your whole time involved now i do want to stress there's another idea here and i wonder where i put oh here it is the ramban wrote a book now some they're not sure who wrote it but everyone most most people attribute it to the ramban now it's not the famous letter that he wrote to his son which is called the egara taramban it's called agerita kodesh okay gareth kodesh is a safer it's a very short book it's like six very short chapters um that deal with and i'll just tell you the title here a guide to spiritual intimacy now the reason i'm showing this happens to be other volumes out there this particular volume he's really responsible for this book dr moshe core and it's published by mosaica press now i think it's out of print but you could you could um email them and maybe get a pdf copy or something or maybe they'll print it on demand so it's called igarita kodesh which means the holy letter actually he wanted to call it the holy act okay it's about intimacy and we're talking about the ramban about a thousand years ago 900 years ago they were called the medieval times but he he um he accessed all of the holy writings and he discusses i don't but anyway i don't want to tell you too much about the particular book i want to discuss what's in it um but um i helped him translate this book so we had a lot of fun we had a tremendous amount we met every day for for years and we did many um many projects and this was just one of them and i got so much out of it but so this book begins with this idea that judea is not a dirty thing knowing your wife is what the ultimate is in our relationship with hashem that's really how the whole book begins and then he goes into other subjects of timing what you can eat beforehand what time it should be what should be on your mind what you have now this like i said this is for mature audiences only and what you have on your mind there's a direct link to what you have on your call your mind below the scrotum actually looks like a brain right there are these i don't know i don't describe it but wrinkled uh i mean anyway the seed will pick up the vibrations of your thoughts who you can think about what you should be thinking about during this holy act as if you're going into the holy of holies right the high priest on yom kippur goes into the holy of holies i mean we're talking about like yaakov when he was breeding the sheep or the goats and the different colors you know love him was trying to trick him and he was able to manipulate the outcome the the pattern on the sheep is because of things that he presented to the sheep uh it wasn't necromancy it's actually very natural what you think of in fact there's a story in the gemara uh a woman happened to be a white couple and they gave birth to a black baby and um of course there was some suspicion i mean what else right there was some suspicion that perhaps she was not loyal and the the rabbis investigated and they found there was a picture in the bedroom of a black person on the wall so what you think about i'm not saying that's a bad thing okay i'm just saying what you think about is yeah it should be holy you want holy seed you want children who are going to be holy so your thoughts at the time of intimacy and leading up oh there's a lot of preparation i mean we can call it foreplay but it's it's words of kindness it's words of endearment it's you know maybe even what you did during the day with her right so there's we'll call i don't know i don't want to call it foreplay it's it sounds too debased but there is i mean i don't know whether the word just to speak about it but there is this concept of what leads up to right the warmth the love that you can share with somebody that has nothing to do with the act itself that is that is very important so i will read just it's a kind of it's a paragraph it's a it's a paraphrased paragraph because there's some a few dots here so he begins the um his letter like this it's actually chapter two know that this union is a holy and pure thing when it is properly conducted in its proper time and with the proper intention a person should not think that in this proper union there is something ugly or degrading god forbid i know there are other religions that think like that hashem may he be praised has created everything according to his wisdom he has not created things to be ugly or shameful now it is true that in judaism there are no names for these um the the genitalia for the um we call the member hers or his and there is a certain modesty involved not shame right there's nothing shame for ugly it's just out of pure modesty anyway he created man and woman and he created each and every organ and their function functions there's nothing degrading about this so that's that's how he begins chapter two very powerful idea here um so again i i i had such great hannah ah such great pleasure and i learned tremendous amount and it was great review also um in helping him translate it was a great honor to be part of that so interest intimacy is obviously one of the most powerful human drives it has to be used correctly right obviously it could be used right there's so much potential there it could be used for holiness and to create oneness on the other hand god forbid if it's misused it could create it could wreak havoc and destruction so one of the things we have to do is to understand how to properly balance the drive and to understand what the torah's definition of marriage is all about okay because this relationship is what allows intimacy so what is marriage so in genesis chapter 2 verse 24. i'll let you read that 24 therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh okay so what does it mean one flesh obviously in judaism we always think there's more than one level of understanding right so the physical coming together of a flesh right with someone else's flesh is true that is an idea here but also the children it should come from the the the um the relationship that also in other words part of my dna part of what i give into this um creation and what my wife gives to the creation now the truth is in judaism it's not only about pro-creation okay i know that may come as a shock right so as i mentioned if a woman is pregnant she's not menstruating your your seed is actually helping it's very beneficial for the fetus this is what we say now in what way i really don't know the scientific aspect but from a as i already mentioned what you have in your mind is going down into the seed and then is penetrating so you're having an influence whether you like it or not if you're angry with your wife and god forbid you're involved in a you know domestic dispute you still have relations that could be very disturbing to the fetus right so shalom bias the peace in the home is is of utmost importance um okay so the idea is not just cleaving but becoming one flesh so there's really two pieces one is da bake vishnu to cling to her and to become one flesh so one of the ideas rashi brings down is regarding a child okay so that's um but the idea is that it's not about getting a tax break or getting some kind of um you know great roommate or great chef or someone to do your laundry right it's really about two halves coming together now my wife says i'm very critical of my unmarried friends because i tell them like well here he even mentions that jewish concept of marriage is two halves becoming one and come and completing each other i i maybe i misinterpret this and but i i say that you're not even a half a person you're nothing if you're not married you're there's no way to grow there's no way to surface improperly so but you know we do recognize when we give the half shekel right in the month ago during adar so we're commanded right every year to give a half shekel to the temple treasury and that's going to be used for the korba note for the offerings through the financial year that begins in nissan in the springtime and the reason a half shackle or one of the reasons one of the main reasons is one should feel that they're not complete it's very important to know right even if you are nearing completion right you're you're you're almost perfect far from perfect it's very important right it's a humbling you know whether it's experience or to be cognizant of how much more you need to grow when it comes to spirituality you should look up to people who are greater than you or more humble than you people are wiser than you right we've discussed this before when it comes to material it's better to look down not look down like in terms of i'm greater but to have this gratitude wow thank god i have this i have what most people or some people don't have so when it comes to physical things we look down i.e uh and and see how much we actually have when it comes to spiritual growth we have to look up and see how much we're lacking how how far we have to go that shouldn't be a depressing situation but it should be a motivating right a motivator so the idea that we give a half a shackle should we should realize we're not complete but i want to say well people like oh yeah i'm just half a person i would say you're not even okay maybe i'm too tough because i knew what it was like you know what it was like being married and was like i told you i i had been married more than once so there was a period of time that i was not married not being married for a man i don't know for a woman but for a man is much more difficult and in terms of if you're trying to grow spiritually it's very difficult either too many distractions many reasons okay okay so we discussed this idea now there's another concept and i want you to read in genesis chapter 1 verse 27 chapter one verse 27 reads and god created man in his image in the image of god he created him male and female he created them okay so one thing to just ask or to be aware of in the beginning of the verse it's singular so god created man in his image in the image of god he created him but then it switches male and female he created them what's going on here so rashi explains that initially adam was created i i don't know if i can tran say this word properly and dragonos and dragonis means both he had two faces in other words like not siamese twins side to side but front to back okay and what god did was he divided this being into two halves and what happens is each half because even though adam lived you know let's say 5781 years ago and that all took place thousands of years ago we are progeny of adam okay so what he went through we're also going through so he was separated from his wife and the whole let's say the whole point of life the whole goal is to become unified in other words let's say for me i'm a guy right for those who don't know i'm a man and my wife you got to get in touch with your family inside well guess what i got you for that right i don't really have to get in touch with my feminine side i got to get in touch with you and therefore by getting in touch with you and i'm talking about emotionally intellectually right not just sexually i am actually getting in touch with my feminine side which my life's goals to reunite in other words i was born or let's say created together then they were separated and the goal in life is to reunite so there is something to this idea of getting in touch with your feminine side but i just described it my own way right um there is an idea like that so he brings down this idea so before marriage a person is not whole marriage is the process of reuniting the two hands to become one how can you do this if you i know there are people that are not spiritual or they claim they're not spiritual they're not religious and they have this great marriage right maybe maybe they are right they just don't realize it right very kind uh people who work on their character and there's a lot to be said about that so the torah perspective is that marriage creates a new spiritual reality by fusing two halves into a single entity the holy bond connects you to your spouse for eternity now we do know there is such a thing as divorce but the commitment that one gets into it's not like okay till death do us part like the non-jews say we don't say that but there's a commitment that you're willing to go through hell in high water right you know whatever it means you're making a huge commitment to take care of somebody you know when it comes to ch children that's one thing right they leave the home eventually as we saw right a parent a child should leave but when it comes to husband and wife they really are actually united forever on a spiritual level i know when i went through a divorce so the the rabbis explained to me this is like surgery you're actually it's a safer christos in hebrew it's a um christos means cutting off the book this document is cutting off and it can be very very painful okay so there is within the marriage that intimacy of growing together and becoming like one limb and uh but basically the concept of marriage is an expression of oneness and the longer you're married the more you hopefully the more you feel one she mentions divorce can sever that unity and the toe recognizes that there are times when divorce is actually appropriate realize however the divorce though necessary in certain situations is akin to amputation it's the drastic final measure one takes when it becomes essential for survival right there is like like they say if you don't cut off this gangras limb it's going to infect your whole body and you will die a very i don't know sudden painful death so you have to get rid of this limb you know so anyway that is now what about picking the right partner right it's very important so i'll mention kindness honesty and loyalty that's going to be the compass right that's what you're going to use to direct obviously attraction is important we call chemistry right humor being able to make each other laugh right all that is very very good but it's not it's not actually critical you know i asked my rabbi once when i was starting to date what should i be looking for you know everyone's attracted to beauty should i be looking for the most beautiful or whatever you know somebody who i really feel attracted to so he didn't say no but he did say you know that's going to fade away i'm sorry to tell you just in case you didn't know right that the beauty the external beauty will fade away he says if you can look in her eyes and that's what you're going to be looking at in 60 years those same eyes if you can find the attraction there which we know is the window to the soul that's where the attraction really should lie so he didn't say no but he he focused he helped me focus this is what you're looking for okay so let's talk about these three ideas kindness so it's more than just being kind and polite it actually means being genuinely concerned about the needs of the other person as i said the afterlife i mean you're signing a contract this is a in jewish law you're signing this uh ketubah this contract that you will you're committed to taking care of her needs so you're not having any ulterior motives it means moving beyond yourself and feeling another person's pain and joy you cannot truly become one with someone who is selfish and self-absorbed obviously the hebrew word for love in aramaic the root you know hebrew and aramaic our sister or cousin i don't know maybe a daughter language it's highly related you know i mean so the word for love is ahava in aramaic and even in arabic the the word forgiving is have i think it's in arabic it's hab but anyway have it's the root of ahava right he said let's say you know who loves who more the one receiving the gift someone gets kissed oh my god i love this person who gave me all kinds of gifts or the one giving the gift the one giving the gift is actually creating the love and he or she will love the other person by giving that's what is the um i guess the catalyst it's like the the you know the the main ingredients for love is the ability to get so obviously someone who is selfish and self-absorbed is very difficult to to to love and be loved without honesty so honesty this is the foundation foundation for trust and communication right you want to build a genuine relationship you have to be able to be honest you know you don't want a superficial one okay now loyalty loyalty means you can trust you can rely and you count on the person this is the foundation for this commitment at least the person is willing to try it forever right um loyalty it creates a safe haven for yourself to open yourself up and allow the other person to become an intimate part of your life now i think it's more true for women than it is for men about opening yourself up and giving yourself um physically um so but for men they have to make this commitment and it takes a while like okay i get married the next day oh i love you i love you what do you mean where did that come from you didn't even give anything yet it's through the process of giving over time that love is going to be built that relationship is going to be built and i'm talking about old-fashioned marriage where you're not living with each other you're not intimate with each other you know it's only once you get married then the intimacy begins and the giving the real giving you know begins and um oh you know the day after oh i i'm i'm in love i'm in love it's probably not love you know broke hashem it's okay that be infatuated with your wife i get it but real love takes time and it's giving i i'm not promoting in the movie called the fiddler on the roof but it is a classic and many people have seen it and i think if you can remind me of the scene there was a scene you know i think after 25 years of marriage she says you know do you love me and i don't know if it goes both ways but basically you know do i love you oh yeah right so he wanted basically each one is saying for 25 years i she said i washed your clothes i cooked your meals i did all this do i love you i mean i've given you for 25 years doesn't that make a statement isn't that um didn't that show you that i love you right it's the giving it's the loyalty okay to finish off this is just the book because we have a lot more to go through a lot more sources but to avoid temptations right this is so important so we did discuss these ideas before about your the cistern the water you should drink is from your own cistern this is meaning your wife if you're looking again i know there's a song looking for love in all the wrong places i'm sure there's a song like that right so when you're you have to have a lot of vigilance you have to guard your eyes in fact dark guard your eyes i think it's guard your eyes.com let me just say i wrote it down here as a source that people are interested and guard your eyes.com so it's www.guard g-u-a-r-d y-o-u-r-e-y-e-s guard your eyes.com a great source for encouragement especially in today's world with um internet but not only i mean there are so if you're either addicted to the internet or porn or whatever it is uh guard your eyes is a great resource or just as a preventative um so avoiding harmful temptations is so important remember right anything precious requires protection marriage is sacred we saw where you said it's very holy and it requires great vigilance and care you really have to make sure you keep your eyes where they belong and avoid going to places where there are these temptations where you're going to encounter any kind of temptations so guarding your eyes it's not just a physical it be it's it's mental right you have to start with knowing you have to um shield yourself that'll keep you hopefully from going to inappropriate places but for example when your eye it's the word um you know strays right it strays i think i mentioned revenge weinberg says the first glance is free after that you have to pay for it what does he mean he's like okay you're walking down the street we're not talking about a red like district we're talking about a normal street and you see something out of corner your eye so then you don't need to look a second time right think it's a mental exercise meditating it's a mental exercise you know to restrain yourself think of something you have your mind is a powerful thing don't waste it here it actually says you can avoid temptation by keeping your mind occupied with things that interest you right for example review the torah read a book think about a question that's been bothering you so he ends by mentioning the drive for intimacy is incredibly powerful channel it toward creating a loving unified bond with your spouse and toward expressing your desire to become close to you almighty himself this is what it's all about so that is based on his safer i mentioned we had this other book we're also using and that is midrash it's written on this mishna the 48 ways and there's also some very um very useful information the first thing he he really wants to show is that derek eretz really means sexual relations because derek harris i mentioned the beginning is a very vague term it just means the way of the land now if it meant manners what do you mean minimize your manners that doesn't make any sense and he goes through all the other possible explanations and he does justify how it could also be used in these other ways but he focuses mainly that it has to mean if you're minimizing something it has to be something that needs to be minimized manners do not need necessarily to be minimized another thing he kind of discusses is that um this is more right because we're talking about 40 ways to wisdom to acquire wisdom it's someone who wants to be a torah scholar he's more limited in how much he should be with his wife so there's a long list depends on your profession the talmud actually tells you right let's say you work with dun dun you tan leather so you have a horrible stench so it says you need to be with your wife i don't remember it every three months or every six months i mean she's she'll be disgusted by your smile but she also has needs so you have to limit yourself if you're a sailor so you're gone for certain periods of time so but you have to return you must make sure to to take your care of your wife's needs so you shouldn't go on like a two-year trip you have to go only on you know six months or whatever the limitation is so there's camel drivers there's donkey drivers obviously these are ancient uh occupations um but uh a total scholar should be with his wife every shabbos shop is like the holiest day and there's a lot of heavenly influence that comes down on that day but besides that the day she goes to the mikvah and the truth is any day that she wants we're talking about from the man's perspective he should make sure to be there at least that once a week on shabbat and anytime that she desires and anytime she has to go to the mikvah and has to be with you right that i don't mean a negative has to be with you she wants to be with you that's why she's going to the mikvah that you um should be there for her so i mentioned there's this idea uh just in in the tube itself in the marriage contract it says in aramaic regarding the husband's conjugal conjugal duties conjugal conjugal logical yeah he's actually committing this is the hebrew i'll basically tell you what it means it's the aramaic but i'll tell you what it means in english and he's writing he's committed and i will come to you in the manner of derek eretz the way of all the land now there's a proof that this is talking about sexual relations um 142 um actually i'm not sure if that's good enough proof but um the the balatorium explains i'll explain in a second which verse is you talking on deuteronomy 24 5. go to deuteronomy 24 5. deuteronomy 24 5 reads when a man takes a new wife he shall not go out in the army nor shall he be subjected to anything associated with it he shall remain free for his home for one year and delight his wife whom he has taken okay so it says that he should delight his wife so we're talking about the first year we already mentioned the first year is very special that's when you're really getting to know the person who you didn't know right we're talking about a traditional marriage here so in hebrew caused her to be happy really caused her to be happy so the gematria believe it or not is 354. now what why what's the significant so in the solar year there's 365 days everyone's familiar with that but the jewish calendar not is not only a solar calendar we go by a lunar calendar as well and there's 354 days in a lunar calendar so the truth is even though we know that number that's what we jews are familiar with there's actually depends on rosh chodesh and what not there's actually 255 it's not exactly 354. it's actually 355 in many cases so the balatorium explains that you should be with your wife every possible day during that year from the words the samach because the samar is equivalent the gamacher means the numerical equivalent of 354. he says every day except for yom kippur so it means because he recognizes the word shana the word for a year did i write this right is um yeah the word for a year is 355. that's the gamacha and also the word kippurim kippurim is haki purim sorry hakipuri which is the name for yom kippur is also gamachi of 355. so just keep that in mind that vasana which is 354 means you should be with your wife the first year of marriage because that's what the text that's what the context of that verse is talking about you should make your wife happy it's all about making your wife happy so basically what happens everybody needs a torah scholar for guidance right even though these 48 ways and we just discussed the idea that it says derek eretz it doesn't say minimize sexual relations once you start learning about it then you realize it's talk it has to be talking about uh you know creating the power of intimacy without re um lowering yourself to like an animal right so the the one of the main lessons here that the major schwa wants to get across is you need guidance from a spiritual mentor who'd be able to explain the oral tour to you just another idea also that each spouse should instead make sure they focus on giving pleasure to each other one of the ideas we spoke about in parshas tazria which speaks about when a woman gives birth to either male or female how many days she's in pure one of the lessons there was that a man if he's able to please his wife before he pleases himself the likelihood of giving forth a male is increased right we discussed this before we'll talk about again some point but the idea here is that i don't know even a woman wants to have a male child as a firstborn let's say i mean most cases right she wants to please her husband she wants to you know men there's less men in the world than there are women by how many i think it's like a half a percent right like 49.5 men and 50.5 women but you're talking about hundreds of millions i mean out of the you know if you have ten eight nine ten billion people on the planet a half a percent is is a lot right so anyway so there is this idea of even a woman would like in a lot of cases it's not across the board depends on a lot of psychological issues and one that would like to see a firstborn son or at least one son right there is an idea so if the man makes sure that he pleases his wife sexually whether it's through foreplay and one not up until and holds himself back the chance um i think it's called shettle method anyway we're not going to go into that right now that's not what the class is about what else do we have here um very practical um i think well there's quite a few verses i want to do okay shoot i'll pull them up once i'll just drop my mouse so there was another verse regarding knowing your wife and just in first samuel chapter 1 verse 19. oh first samuel forgive me um is that that falls under the prophets first samuel i'm sorry what chapter am i chapter 1 verse 19. go come on 19 and they arose early in the morning and prostrated themselves before the lord and they returned and came to their house to rama and alkana knew hana his wife and the lord remembered her just remember i uh i think i mentioned this verse in my video i was at the kevin shmuel right the tomb of samuel by the way who's buried there samuel 1 or samuel 2. that was so nice to see that video there's only one samuel so this verse we went to hannah spring meaning the mikvah that hannah went and after she had given birth and wanted to become pure again and be able to go to the temple so in hebrew al qaeda knew hana his wife in hebrew right the word this this idea is not to be thought of in a negative sense this idea of knowing is is so crucial okay in song of songs so there's a very important verse it's in chapter six verse three i am you can read it yep just pulling it up and my internet seems to be running slower than normal i don't know why verse 3 i am my beloveds and my beloved is mine who grazes among the roses so this is a famous verse that every jew is familiar with i imagine during the month of ello ello is the virgo right it's when the first of the elo god said i forgive you come up in 40 days and receive the tablets 40 days from the first of ello is yom kippur the day of forgiveness and he says anila dodi vadodi li the acronym the first letter aleph of ani lamid of ladodi the dhodi and then the last lamin it spells the word ello ello is the month of forgiveness of virgo of renewing the relationship as if there was no issue of the golden calf we were forgiven of the golden calf i understand you committed adultery so to speak see idolatry and adultery we talk about the five the five commandments on each tablet so number two is do not worship other gods number seven on the other side is do not commit adultery adultery and idolatry i don't even need english they sound alike right you can get confused right that this when we have a relationship with hashem the adultery is god forbid i'm sure say the idolatry is god forbid like adultery in that relationship just to bring it home to bring it full swing that our relationship with our wives is just like a a microcosm of the relationship we have with hashem wow so man's secret is wisdom called that's very masculine the woman's secret is called bina it's understanding but when you put them together the hebrew then you get we call dot and this is awareness very very key to life so like you man get in touch with his feminine side he has to and and i mean through marriage i mean you know god forbid you know and i'm kidding anyway you know i'm going with that so just keep in mind that the word in hebrew for ish ish is man how is it spelled ish so you have an aleph and a shin is consistent in both words for man and woman but the difference there's a letter you'd in a man we're not going to get into the mystical aspects of why you it is masculine and hey and the word isha is feminine but those two letters are the name of god you'd and hey right y a h so when you have hashem in your relationship when the man is fulfilling whatever it is in the eu and the woman is fulfilling her her with her to beena but when you mesh them together and you have god in the relationship you then you can be a man and a woman not an animal right well let's put it this way when you take the good out and the hay out you're left with h is fire h h can be destructive so this is the secret to a happy relationship to make sure to always bring hashem into the relationship remember the idea of this title is called marriage power the power of marriage um okay there's a few halachot in the rambam hillcast eastward i'm not going to go through them but if anybody wants to know what i wanted to talk about it's in chapter 22 the laws 18 19 20 and 21 in the laws of forbidden relationships um oh here's the idea i wanted to bring when lot's daughters remember we want to know how come derek eretz can mean sex so go go to chapter 19 of genesis chapter 19 verse 31 31 reads and he said behold now i have desired to speak to the lord perhaps in twenty chapter 19 verse 31 in genesis oh i mean 18 forgive me rabbi yep 31 and the elder said to the younger our father is old and there is no man on earth to come upon us as is the custom of all the earth is that that direct eretz you were talking about custom of the earth so in hebrew custom cadera colorads derek eris you hear the so no it's clear yeah [Laughter] clear to me anyways i hope the audience is getting it yeah um so look in proverbs chapter 5 there's a few selected verses um i don't have the numbers of the verses but um you can go through them uh for the lips of the strange woman drip honey and her passion is smoother than oil mm-hmm is as bitter as wormwood as sharp as a two-edged sword her feet descend to death her steps come near the grave drink water from your own a cistern your own cistern is your marriage partner you know and running water from your own spring we discuss these other times and may your springs spread out rivulets and water in the squares you shall have them and strangers shall have nothing with you your fountains shall be blessed and you shall rejoice with the wife of your youth and the last verse i want to bring is a lovely hind and a graceful mountain goat her breast will satisfy you at all times you shall always be intoxicated with her love so the rabbis say this pursuit this last verse is referring to the holy torah when we immerse ourselves into it we merit to feel its tremendous beauty and all our needs still satisfied with no need to drink from broken cisterns so yeah i think it's very important to just focus on this idea that god gave you god gave you a gift that partner and to focus not be distracted with the other what the grass is greener on the other side right this is 40 days before a seed is actually um what's the word when it becomes germinated and we're talking about the sexual act conception 40 days before conception a heavenly voice goes out and says this person is destined to marry this person i mean just think about the what goes into that i mean hashem is making what they asked what is god doing now that he stopped right six days he created the world now he stopped what's he doing he's making shidduchim he's making marriages he's making unions he's making this person meet up with that person and being attracted and who knows where it goes from there right so that 40 days before conception already has been announced who's going to marry him so this is a gift from hashem and i i i i just implore my single friends and my single people i didn't know didn't meet yet pray pray tuition that uh he makes it easier for you to recognize who your partner is so that's just the beginning right once you make that decision you need a lot of prayer also to make the marriage work it's men and women are different species forget about different uh what do you call genders we're not we don't even talk the same language we're different species different syntax so it's a miracle that we can actually you know relate and god placed this desire we'll call it a sexual desire it's very strong he placed it within us so that we can carry on the species that we can actually live together we can work on our character with the other half because i'm lacking a certain amount of femininity in my life right and the woman is missing a certain masculinity and only by putting these two different species that really shouldn't even be living under the same roof together um because of this attraction and the willingness to to work things out and the this strong desire to love to give and it'll it'll transform your whole i call it religious life i don't think you could be religious that's what i said just because you're not married you're not half a person there's no way you can really live a religious life there's no way you can work on your character without someone waking up next to you and saying you know what you said to that person i don't think it was right or how can you walk out looking like that or now remember the man can't say that to the woman the woman can say it to the man anyway so let's um let's end here just know that um the idea of call marriage power right what does this have to do with wisdom there's no way to acquire wisdom if you are not married and and doing it right and i think that um doing it right that's that's so critical that experience will make you much i mean there are people are married 60 70 years they know how can they how can they do that how can they have survived right i don't mean like in a negative sense but with all their experience they're much wiser better people you can just see it you know they they're in love and they treat each other with respect right they're honest and they're loyal right okay rabbi is there is there is there any way you could close it out maybe giving a positive word to those that maybe are currently not married out there a lot of banana out there listening i don't know what the situations their life has gone through but um you've touched on the beauty of it today the beauty of marriage for sure is there any word of encouragement you give them as we close to those that are not quite married have some hope be wise in looking you're looking for someone on the same page and i'll call it religiously but um you know i'm trying to think of the word but uh hush gothically so i don't know if that's translatable let's say with a worldview so i do believe that there are some benenoch dating sites right there are there are out there so you have to be willing to move you have to be willing to give whatever we have to share about i think we you know we gave the world marriage there was no marriage before the jewish people they invented kedushin the separation men when the rambam discusses you go to the shook you go and you just say i want you and that was it the whole level of humanity changed through what we call you know conducion and i mentioned about holy matrimony i was watching out of curiosity i forget what it was one of the princes of great britain got married and i was almost crying at the wedding and i wasn't there i was watching it along with millions of other people and it reminded me so much of the things they stole from us right uh about marriage and um it has changed the face of the earth i mean we're not animals right no so my my my my prayer and my advice is to be open-minded to find someone to share you just your own personal growth is lacking without that partner look into her eyes can you imagine yourself with that person if they fit you know the main criteria that we're looking for right just read the list again we say kindness honesty and loyalty and the kindness seems to be one of the most important parts avraham abraham was looking for someone who had kindness right rebecca rifka she had this kindness that's what he wanted for his son isaac okay so someone who's kind they don't have to match up everything else right things change people go through career choices and they change right so it's it's the character right the honesty the loyal i would still think kindness is on the top of the list it it'll definitely make things uh go where others cannot you know the kindness just is open to be yeah it's beautiful rabbi this has been a wonderful wonderful class we missed you uh the last couple weeks it's a joy to hear you share more of the the 48 ways to wisdom this class is one that's got to have special markings i know it's one for the ages and i hope that a lot of no hides out there will uh grab onto this passes around like it share it on social media rabbi poston thank you so much um hashem willing are we on for next week or is your schedule allowed for it yeah sure looking forward all right so hashem willing uh till then folks we're gonna sign out you have a wonderful wonderful week [Music] is