Vayechi 5786: Maamar Yehuda Atah - I Am So Close, I Am So Far; Then I Realize You Really Want Me

What's my store? Morning everybody. Welcome Happy New Year's to everybody. So, I said we're going to start busy lagani today, but we'll start Monday basic because uh I wasn't ready. Yeah, it's a hard mime and uh takes time to prepare it. So uh I need another few days will start Monday. So today we'll learn from par the first mimer first. >> Huh? We'll try. We'll try. >> Uhhuh. To finish kits, huh? Yeah. So, it's page 89. In the Hebrew, it's mehe column 2. The first man Okay. Today's class is graciously dedicated by Dr. Danil Galbber in loving memory of man whose insights into Torah and everyday life will be greatly missed. and may his soul be an everlasting source of inspiration and blessing and we should be and thank you so so much. Amen. Okay, said that means the beginning of 1806 and it's on the blessing that says to Yehud when Yakov starts speaking to Yehuda's first words are your name is Yehuda you are Yehuda literally means your brothers will acknowledge you or your brothers will thank you or your brothers will submit to you as he's going to explain from the word but That's what he says. And then he continues, "Your hand is etched into the into the nape, the back of your enemies, and your brothers will prostrate themselves to you." And he continues about the royalty, the royal qualities, the malus of Yehuda in the continuation of the blessings to Yehuda. So focuses on the opening words to Yehuda. You are Yehuda and your brothers shall acknowledge you or submit to you. So it's a very interesting expression. It doesn't explain what but your brothers somehow. What does this mean? The word the name why was he named Yehuda? So the Torah says in par that Leia had four children and then Shim Ley and Yehuda each one she named with a name because of their reasons that she gave when it came to Yehuda. She said even if you don't know it from the Pik you may know it from the niggan but it comes from par before the niggan. So what does it mean? Now this time I will be thankful. I will be grateful now this time I'm just full of gratefulness. I'm full of gratitude. Like with the word, we thank really what Leia is representing here is that the soul the closest the collective souls of the Jewish people are in a state of means a state of gratitude of acknowledging gratitude like we say in we're thankful. This is the state of there's a certain you don't take life for granted. There's a life there's two types of way of living. One is somebody once said I think Einstein said nothing is a miracle or everything is a miracle. There's nothing in between. Either nothing is a miracle. It's just a burden and sometimes you have some good distractions or everything is a miracle. So hideya is a state of you're in constant marvel. In English it's called rapture. Rapture. There's like a wow. Wow. I can't believe it. Wow. I opened my eyes. Wow. It's not taking anything for granted. It's in the presence of greatness all the time. >> Yeah. What you see when you come to the Grand Canyon, you really see in every leaf and every flake of snow and every cell and every atom and every nuda of life. So that's the state of down here below because we live under the tyranny of time. So says now I will be grateful because times are not the same. Sometimes you wake up on your right side. Sometimes you wake up on the left side. I don't know how did you wake up today. We're under the tyranny of time. We're subjected to time. >> Huh? You woke up at least you woke up and here yeah my cup runth over. So if you go a little higher if you go to the source from where souls were honed out chiseled out over there it's everything is beyond time. Time is a dimension of reality. Reality essentially is beyond time. So it's over there it's called when they put a before a word it represents that it's always it's present for say is he did means he's always doing it. So the is that the is constant. It's constant because it's not defined by time. It's always it's a state of constant. It's a state of constant relationship of constant gratitude. That's the natural state of the soul. It's in a place of awe and gratitude because all of life it's it's it's it's it's marveling on the relationship on the on the love on the on the ecstasy on the connection. So it would be like but with an extra over there it's like like means he'll thank but hits with an extra over there we greet it but it's so this is a constant state of and the reason she says now what's Now it's after the birth and the emergence of they are the ones that caused this. So means you come to this gratitude through your brothers not your brothers are going to thank you or submit to you through your brothers through Shim and Ley. Now you can come to Yehuda. can't come to Yehuda without Ruven and Shim and Ley to explain this on a deeper level. What does all this mean? What is this Yehud that comes after Ruven and Shim and Leyu? The name ruin the first one of the was called because it's a combination of two words see the son or see my child le actually said and it says she said hashem saw my pain so vain and then as we'll see later is connected to listening from the word but is see the child in other words. This is a state of seeing a vision. This type of this type of seeing that my child can see, can perceive and that Hashem saw me. This seeing is what causes a feeling of love. We see it also in the vision of he sees the face of the lion on the right. The right is always associated with the left is and the which is the letters of seeing is connected to what or we have the flag of the camp of Ruven was on ton which is south in the four directions is connected to Sen is connected to Dar is on the right from the mis from east Dim is on the right if this is uh where's There's mis there's mis there's mis there's east so durim is on the right of the east which is south I know they d in this direction but that's a whole separate para m is really there and is so which is connected to was stuck on the right that's where his camp was in the midbar what's the connection seeing is not just physically I see you know you say I see you can you see me it means more than can you see my glasses? Can you see my nose? Can you see my suit? Can you see me? It represents a deep closeness in an affectionate way. Seeing somebody is a very deep experience. Even seeing yourself is a deep experience. It means you're seeing them in a very close and intimate way in a way of love. We have it in the the says that Hashem says like the fig that ripens right in the beginning. That's how I've seen your parents. What does it mean? Doesn't mean I saw them. It means he celebrates the new fig. Oh, my fig tree started to blossom. There's an excitement. That's how I saw your parents. What's the big thing? You saw a fig and you saw my parents. But it means it's something precious. I see you. I I cherish you. That's what seeing here means. So it's not just I have the ability to see the other person, but actually to really see see into them. Can you really see me? It's not such a simple thing to see. Not to see yourself, not to see others to really see to be able to really be seen. Has anybody ever seen you? Have you ever seen yourself? That's so it's a it takes a lot of presence to be able to really see. Can you see your children? Seeing you doesn't mean I see you for how you're good for me or how I can use you or even how you could be productive in a nice way. That may be a good thing. You know, >> right? Seeing is really seeing the the the the preciousness of that person in their pious in their core in their essence. You don't seem >> right. Yeah. That's what he's going to discuss. Exactly. somebody without >> there's no seeing without seeing is an act of it's maybe the greatest act of probably the greatest act of love is to be able to see somebody >> we're working on the Jews still we also have some workh Yeah. Leia says saw me and she also says now my husband will love me. This is all an of somehow he saw me and now my husband hopefully will see me. ation. Can you really see see the other person to really see me that takes a very that's it comes from love. It's motivated by love and it's an experience of love. The ability to see them in their pious. It's not so easy because if you have never been seen, it's almost impossible to see anybody else. It's just not like we spoke the other day in the whether we learn about what you about crying, right? When do we learn what you don't have, you can't give. Um >> which was it? what >> you can only give what you have. We spoke about, you know, right? I can only give another person what I have. I can't give you what I don't have. I can't give you $100 if I don't have $100. So why does anybody think you could give anybody love if you don't have it? If $100 you can't give that you don't have, you think love which is which is much deeper than a hundred bucks you could give. >> That's possible. Yeah. Yeah. >> That's the point of the self. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. The potential is there but I have to be able to find it. So my my husband will love me. What does this represent? It's an expression in it's brought in means to gaze at the glory of the king. to gaze. The word is seeing to arouse the love until it experiences a desire. In other words, love when there is a love in the heart, I want vas. I want to be connected. I want to be attached. And this is why the instituted and then the blessings of the point of the mitzvah to love and this is the preparation to get there the main purpose in telling the whole story of and all and all the and all everything leading up to which is really praising the the Hashem who who what's the point is just you could start off because knowledge never does the trick. It's never about knowledge. Yiddi is information knowledge what remains what what's knowledgeable still remains concealed. It's not embodied. It's not viscerally experienced in me. The garra says he makes references and he just relies you know so he says but the garra says over when the is hollowing through the burrow when he's borrowing through the maker maker is like the basement he's creating a hole under your house to get in to dig in and he gets scared he starts dinging to hashem he says god please help me I'll give 50% duck right if not 50% maybe 20% but just help me. Please help me. Cuz he gets nervous. You know, he starts hearing there's an alarm. Whatever. If you believe in God, maybe you should not steal. No, no, no, no. God is God. But business is business. Yeah. Somebody has to pay the mortgage. Doesn't have to do. So the he has he has ya. He goes to shim. He knows everything. He knows it. He may even he may even have amazing knowledge, but it's not nega. Why is it not neg? Because it's not embodied. That's the difference between knowledge and embodied knowledge. Knowledge is you know artificial AI has knowledge much better. But that's not the here. That's what he says. It's from concealment. It needs to come out to revelation and from knowledge to seeing. Seeing means I really see you. It's not information. It's an experiential connection. This is where you see clearly what Alreb is saying from to you know when you see something what they say seeing is believing it's real. So here we're not talking about seeing something physical which is why it makes it harder. I'm not seeing physical but it's the same intensity. It's the same realness like when something is physical. There's no denying it. You can argue with me. That's why on knowledge there's arguments. You say this way I say this way. On seeing what are you going to argue with me that I'm not that you're going to argue that I'm sitting here and I see you sitting here. Okay, you can argue. You have proof that this guy is in Australia. Fine. Maybe I have an answer. Maybe I don't have an answer. When you start experiencing something in your body, it's it's it's irrefutable. You know what it makes you know how it makes you feel. You know what's happening inside. You can argue I'm hallucinating and I'm a mishuga. Okay. And there are such situations that a person is completely detached and they imagine things, right? And you have to know that. But generally speaking, because of that, you can't refute. That's that's the reason why people become sometimes disassociated. They don't trust themselves. But really all of life is about experience. So from you come to the that's what he's saying. This the expression in don't learn more information but to be able to gaze at it. To gaze at it means that it's an intimate it's an intimate relationship. The same is true between people, right? I can learn about it. I can have yid. I can understand. And then there's the experiential connection. Experiential connection you can't substitute. That's not concealed anymore. It's revealed. It's not knowledge. It's so the whole point of ding to get torishna is to get into a place of it's an experiential relationship. And that's why they instituted the whole thing. It's not about saying more words and more words and more words and getting more boring and more bored and more bored. That's the opposite of what they it's trying to bring you into a relationship. It's actually a deeper relationship deeper deeper. So the person goes deeper into tell the story of creation to immerse his das like he like your kingship extends through all all the worlds which means that the presence of Hashem is real. is the the says in the myriads and myriads of of angels and troops meaning the everything is part of Hashem's and he himself is before the world was created meaning the same oneness that existed before still exists now like we say and the real idea of is that he alone is already like it says is one and is eight which is the seven heavens and earth and is the four directions of the world and they should all be nullified to as one is that you can elevate the life force of shamay and to its source even the spiritual energy goes back to its source doesn't is not separate What's is saying here? He's saying what he explains in a lot of my that the holiest of ding is to be able to take a hashem seriously seriously means that my relationship with Hashem is not some superficial thing or fictional thing. That's everything. That is reality. Reality is the flow of divinity. That is reality. That is my reality. That is our reality. And on a deeper level, it's exactly the same like it was before creation because everything is subsumed in oneness. Even the even the you also bring back to the source even the spiritual divine energy that's vitalizing the world is also the reason there is a sense of separateness is because really is oneness that's complete oneness is you sublimate all of the diversity into oneness That's and it's two states of consciousness is you're completely subsumed in that reality. That's a moment when everything gets nullified is you bring everything back to that reality. Everything all diversity and it's all part of I live in an opposite world. Yeah. Because of God wanted a relationship. So there's a sense of separateness. So because of therefore creation happens in a way where we can easily feel lonely and broken and detached and separate so that I could choose the relationship I can go into the relationship as a person elaborates on this spends time on this in the depth of their be not just as information but in a way that they actually experience gil in other words it's not just detached information of which remains concealed again like the GV in the borrow but doesn't really affect me but when the person opens themselves up to this so the birth of this there's a birth of love in a revealed way that the soul yearns for the relationship this is what I really want because everything else is just attaching myself to something that doesn't really really exist it's a substitute for reality it's not reality So the person then could save which means really that what I'm looking for is love. I love I want us with I want us with truth with my truth with your truth with our truth with the truth of reality which is the infinity like it says into he always brings this who do I have in heaven and with you I don't want anything on earth. So this is the idea. I'm not distracted by anything because there's basically only two ways to live. Either I'm in touch with reality and I'm yearning for reality or I'm distracting myself by what looks like reality and will feel good for a few minutes but it's not really reality. So is once a person really tunes into this space where everything just becomes you realize that the true the only true of reality is the of it the anoid mulvad of it if it's part of mulvad that's if it's not part of it's just a kipa it's a cover up so that's what I want that's what I desire in every relationship in every space wherever I am and there's no shortcuts for this this is this is this is this is what it means to to come to a place of seeing where you actually see reality for what it is. And when you see it, there's a deep connection to it. So then becomes a very natural thing because this is this is the only real love. The only real love that's real real love that never ever falters that never fails you. The only love that brings you into real reality is it says your entire heart both I want the love should be in a state of what's a state doesn't mean somebody who has sins in other words I have sins I sin constantly or sometimes I'm doing that's also but that's not means even every normal person who doesn't sin yes doesn't mean you sin so is a state of existence What's chuva? Chuva is not repentance. I made a sin so I say I'm sorry. That's also but that's not the chuva. Chuva is return means to restore my soul to where it always was and really wants to be. Where was it? The nam is the soul source. It was kal. Kal means subsumed. It was completely inside. But matsil mats is the one who emanated all the light which means hashem in his essence. That's where the soul is. That's where it was subsumed. It was bound up in the bound of life. But is hashemish. Mamish means it's not an exaggeration. The soul is holy. The soul is pristine. The soul is cute. The soul is nice. It means mish like he says in mamish that the soul was completely. It's not a mitzie. The soul is the soul is it's completely subsumed in that's what it is but it went through a major descent and it became enclosed in the physical world in a in the physical world and the greatest thing that happens at that moment is I don't know this anymore I don't have this information anymore even if I believe that alterba knows what he's talking about but what what does it mean what does it what does it mean experientially but this is the greatest rupture Before I use the word rapture, it's not rupture. Rapture is with an a, ruptures with a u. Rapture is rapture, ecstasy, right? Bliss, vaha. Rupture is boom. The opposite. The greatest rupture that a person ever experiences in life is this. This moment really the nishama not only doesn't have an ego, it's all a it is a it's infinite mamish. Not because of its ego, because there's no ego because it's subsumed in Hashem. And from there it comes out. It goes through this quantum leap and it comes into a gulf. And suddenly the first word is, "Oh, here I am. What do I do with this? I got to figure this out." And what's the paradigm? The paradigm is I got to figure this out and I need to exist. So the very paradigm of the is contrary to the paradigm preid the paradigm is I'm a channel of infinity. I'm just infinity. I'm a in other words I don't exist and that is my deepest existence. Hashem exists here. The definition of existence is I exist and I got to fight for my turf. And now the question is how I'm going to do that. So every animal soul figures out its way to do it. What's the best way to exist? This person becomes a people's pleaser. So everybody likes me. This person becomes a sadic. This person becomes very aggressive. This person is confrontational. This person goes into hiding. This person disassoci every person in their own way. This person becomes a social socially very acceptable. This person becomes a genius. This person becomes a celebrity. This person makes a lot of money. Everybody already when I'm 2 years old, I'm figuring this out. But I have to figure out how to navigate existence as a separate being because that's what the animal consciousness knows. Yeah. The first thing that that abandonment is the deepest form. And now the question is what you do with that abandonment. So says truva is not because I'm a sinner. You may have never sinned in your life. It's not about that. Sin is a result of abandonment. It's not the other way. You're not abandoned because you sin. You sin because you're abandoned. So the real chuva is addressing this. Not I did one sin, another sin, another sin. Right? That's why this is very different. Chuv you say comes. It's time to do chuva says no chuva is the most essential state of existence. It's recognizing the rupture that occurred in every single person. And no person is exempt from this. It's not like oh I can't relate to this. I don't have trauma. The fact that you say that just shows that you're completely once said he once said that he was telling his that uh this was a time of the French revolution. So there was a horrible guillotine. You know what the guillotine was in France? They used the guillotine to be it was a horrible thing. A lot of people were executed that way. So he said that you have to imagine in life that the is like the guillotine and your head is there and it's waiting and any minute if you don't if you don't tear yourself away you could be chopped off. That's how you have to you have to realize that's how it can get you. So one of his says and what happens if you don't feel that way says then your head was chopped off already. Right. So >> huh asking of course the first person you have to ask is from yourself and it's also the hardest person to forgive. Anybody who knows knows that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I'm right. Huh? People could forgive a lot of people. Even people that weren't so didn't do the best things to them. to forgive yourself is sometimes the hardest because the inner shame, the inner guilt is so deeply embedded and it all comes because I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am. The shame has penetrated the core. In other words, I feel that the abandonment and the brokenness is at my core. The ugliness has reached every space of reality. On the contrary, sometimes my entire life becomes about covering up my ugliness that nobody sees it. Even I don't see it. basically >> I don't know if you relate to what I just said but some may maybe one or two people in this room do relate to what I said that sometimes your entire life this is not conscious you don't do this consciously but your entire life is designated for one goal nobody should ever see me I may give millions of dollars for I may give thousands of hours of shimm I may build beautiful institutions and do amazing things and take my kids on every conceivable trip in the world that no kid in Lakewood or Muny even dreamed dreams of. So I'm the best father and it's all that nobody should ever see me including me running away. >> Yeah. But not it's not even conscious. It's not even conscious. It's such a deep if it would be conscious it's a habitat. Then you can deal with it. It's so deeply embedded and it's all based on a very very deep pain that I didn't face. Yeah. >> It's good you're at the isn't it? Of course the is this is this is the biggest the moment you feel this even 5 seconds in a day this is after 5 seconds it's all extra credit that's all of >> very good of hey yeah touch of head very good touch of head the famous gives a marshall that he says is imagining that even when somebody was beheaded, you could bring it back to the body. That's what he says. Imm says that he says imagine that they're going to be able to reach a place where you could bring it back. That's what truv is. That's what he says because there's no such a thing. You are you're infinity. You're not just good and nice and you have hope and if you join the community and you surrender and you give then you do these gulas and you go here and you do these tunim then you'll be accepted. It's all maybe nice and fine. You should do good things. But it's the essential space of recognizing where your soul comes from. Who in other words, who you are. And on the contrary, all the mistakes I made was because I didn't recognize that. I simply didn't know it. And it wasn't my fault. That's what birth is. Birth is when you want to say you get that that that uh snipe, the flick, and you forget everything. The first thing you forget is you. You forget you. Now it's a whole new. Now it's now now it's basically about coping and surviving. The question is who copes better and who's more successful. Like the mush I gave a few weeks ago, the chicken the egg. That's it. I'm a chicken and egg, right? And now you have a nicer egg. You you decorate your egg. You brought in a beautiful exterior designer and you decorated your egg. It's amazing. Everybody's jealous of your egg, right? And my egg is a little more boring. Okay. And your egg is this nice furniture. My egg there's no furniture. So we're all competing in the egg. And that's often what happens. It's literally ego to ego, ego to ego. And sometimes marriages are that way for years and years. Everybody's in their egg and they're competing with each other, fighting each other, arguing with each other. And then you breathe the first time. What it feels like actually even for a moment. What Alterb is saying here is that's a that's a it's a transformation. It's it's it's once you touch that there's no turning back. It's the understands what I'm talking about. Huh? like the Ghana of in the tunnel or uh >> huh I'm saying once a person even it's a gift it's a big gift but it's the gift of coherence once a person even experiences for a moment this dimension of themselves it's checkmate it's it's you can't go back to the other I mean you could go back to it because we fall into it because it's a natural template but but something is stirred forever >> you can't unsee it >> you can unsee it. Once you see something, you can't I can make believe I unsaw it. I can run away from it. Sure, I can get drunk. I can do all these things, but you can't really unsee it. You know, you heard a piece of music. You heard it. You could deny it. It's nothing. It's fine. You could. But your soul knows what's true or not. >> It's like a baby. Mother's the baby. >> Yeah. >> The egg the egg cracked open and suddenly the chick comes out. Oh, the sunrise. Oh, the sunset. Wow. I never knew. I knew that there's sunrise, but there's actually sunrise. >> Hashem is alive. There's there's energy. There's there's divine energy. Now, if you don't relate to what I'm saying, it's it makes sense. Like, don't blame yourself because because we are it's it's this is not easy. This is not simple stuff. This is this is real this is real avoidance. This is not our natural template. Our natural template is not this template. Our natural template is one that's different. There's an element of despair. There's an element of boredom. It's it's it's like this this in this space. You're naturally alive. You're flowing with life. You are you are as alive as God is because you're not separate. You don't need to be you don't need to find life. Right? All distractions is all because I'm not in touch with my spiritual energy. I don't know my energy. I don't feel my energy. So now I need coffee. Now I need popcorn. Now I need potato chips. Now I need an omelette. Now I need mut. Whatever it is. Now I need validation. When the the but the soul naturally is in constant flow. It's flow. It's a surf. It's infinite. So this is what happens when it comes down says now listen to this. What happens here is even the most spiritual the most spiritual comprehensions that the nama has inside the body are all within time and space. I can't it's not a it's not a blame. It's just a fact. I am in a time I'm in a space. I can't get out of that because the in is working in a gof and the goof lives in a dimension where everything is time and space. You can't imagine life outside of time and space. I can't tell you right now we're now going to go to a place and the clock is going to stop. I wish it would be nice for my sh and for all of your sake. It would be beautiful. But we know we can't do that, right? It ticks. It ticks. It ticks. It ticks. You want to get out of it. It's tough luck. Everything is in time. Same is true in space. We are all in space. Space is physical space and also a certain mental space. This is a space I'm in. So everything so even that means we're talking even a person who knows that they have a soul and they experience their soul and their soul actually has spiritual their soul is sensitive. My antennas are working still. It's so this is where chuva comes in. So this is chuva of a person who actually their antenna is open to spiritual energy but it's within time and space and that limitation is a very very traumatic limitation because reality is not time and space. Time and space right people think it's a kadesh of Einstein. Einstein explained that time is a dimension of reality and time changes. It's relative. It's another dimension of reality. There's three dimensions and then there's a fourth dimension. the element of time it's a dimension of reality it's not reality it's a certain dimension of reality and therefore in speed of light when you talk about the speed of light time is completely different really time is a creation it's a creation it's a dimension of existence same is true makim it's a dimension of existence that's why in very deep spiritual journeys you go to a place there's no time and space literally no time and space it's it's it's like unbeliev how does that happen and the answer is all of time and It's like uh you ever play Chinese checkers? Uh it's like a cholen bean. Time and space is like literally a cholen bean. Does anybody know what I'm talking about? What did you put into the coffee this morning? >> My father was in a coma for six weeks. Now he's talking as he says I was there for six hours. >> Wow. >> Right. Yeah. different consciousness. It wasn't 6 seconds wasn't a millisecond to him. >> Yeah. >> Huh. >> I'm also in time and space. >> But when it says in that Hashem says a thousand years is like a day, it's not an exaggeration cuz he's big. So it's a thousand years. It's nothing. It's very serious. You know this story sent a letter and it was relevant 15 years later. It's not okay. Hey, it's a cute bump story. The moment you go into a higher frequency, time is condensed. What for us is 15 years is for another person a day. Says his father was in a coma. How long was he in a coma? A few weeks. For him, it was six hours. How do a few weeks become six hours? And then if you go deeper, it's there's no it's not it's not 15 years. It's not a thousand years. It's not a day. It's it's it's because it's just >> is it is now it's it's hard because we when we talk words, everything is in time. Time just passed. What are you talking about? It's true because our mind constructs define our reality. We have borders. Our entire experience of reality is within the borders of the constructs of our mind. And those who understand this know how frustrating this is. And this is one of the deepest pain of spiritual people. That's why their whole life is torturous because they are they appreciate the fact that the borders are so powerful and you can't get across the border and yet it's so small within the border. So some people are clueless. Okay, what do you want? Like what are you driving me crazy for? But that's really what the nish the nish knows all of this. So says the biggest chuva is man. Imagine when you talk about sins when you talk about sin that's why he barely talks. When you talk about sins you're not talking about the nud the real you want to talk about the real pain time space. That's now you're talking the sin is basically it's like the end of the domino effect. Of course I'm abandoned. I'm broken. I'm okay. So now I sin. I need some entertainment to my life. So give me a woman. Give me a man. Give me a phone. Give me a computer. Give me a Give me something. Whatever. Give me something. I need something. Yep. Some some little oxygen. But the real is this. So he says so is there's an urgency. I want to bring it back. So it says inim they cried out to Hashem because they were distressed means like narrow the narrowness I cry out I don't want but the fact that he's in is in a state of means that plots is the space which space the space of being in space and time is narrow why because it's mul because it cuts me off from the flow of infinity. I'm not I'm not I'm not that's not what I'm made of. My stuff is not made out of time and space. My stuff is made out of infinity. That's what this soul is. It's subsumed and who's beyond time and space. And now I'm not only in time and space, but that's my only definition of life. I don't even have another definition. Even when I think about God, it's time and space. Hashem is here. Hashem is there. Hashem is truly everywhere. Up. I'm not blaming Uncle Mishi. It's a beautiful song. But what what is what is he supposed to say? He's not here. Hashem is not here. Hashem is not there. Hashem is nowhere. Then they'll make put him in. But the truth is it's as right as he is there. Right. Not here. He's there. It's all >> huh. Not up, not down, not right, not left. So everything is in. So that from that space and that's at the end of taking you out of mit. What's taking out of mits? Not the mit of Egypt physically only comes the word m. We need hashem to take us out of mits. I can't go out of mitsim. I live in msar. So the soul is saying take me out of take me out of m. In practical words, it means any in which you ever feel not infinite, that's the moment I'm in a defensive mode, the moment I'm in anxiety mode, the moment I'm in fear mode, the moment I'm in jealousy mode, I'm in resentment mode, it's like you have it and why don't I, the moment I'm comparing myself. These are all the places the dramatic exaggerations is talking much more. You have but what that means in all of our lives is this is the I and I'm stuck here. I'm stuck. And you can't deny it because this is the story of a soul. This is the story of a soul. Everybody was born. No, there's not a person who did not go through this stage. And therefore, there's not a person who's not confronting this. The question is how conscious I am of the confrontation. The more conscious, the more evolved you are in connection to yourself. The less conscious, the more I'm just distracting myself. In many ways, what's really is stop distracting yourself. That's it. Just face what it is. Face what it is. Once you face it, now you'll already figure out what to do. We're not worried about that because not many options. Either you go to EMS or you go to sheer. But stop stop distracting yourself and stop using religion as a distraction because that's sometimes the worst distraction. You know, when God distracts you from God, it's a big problem. As long as you know it's it's you know potato chips are distracting me. Okay. But once God starts distracting you from God, it could be a hopeless situation because now how you going to get out of that? It's God. But when the fake God, you know, with the Huh? >> Yeah. Sometimes that's what he says. Yeah. of it is but here something special happens through this midas through this frustration is like the frustration the bitterness not bitterness as bitter that you're bitter you're angry midas mean just the pain the grief the pain the pain that you have on the opposite on being stuck this creates a tremendous love with much more intensity to be subsumed in it's like what we learned The light that comes from the darkness. The light that comes from the darkness is a different type of light because the darkness when it's when the darkness merges when the darkness be when the darkness catapults you and itself into light it's a different quality of light. So there it's like coming out of of of a choked situ. Wow. That if I would have always been there I could have never had that level of love. The intensity can't be there. You know if somebody was choking for years and years, you were living under a rock, right? You were living under a rock and then that one day, that one moment you came out of the rock. Anybody relates to this? Oh my god. And everything you went through suddenly becomes metamorphosized because every moment of struggle now becomes part of your bliss. You understand the vert? If I was never living under a rock, it was beautiful. It's gavaldic. I lived with sunrise and with sunset with a beautiful universe. But now when you were living under a rock and you didn't even know you were living under a rock. Now when you come up and you like breathe for the first time and you experience yourself your real energy for the first time, Hashem flowing through you, you know what happens? All the pain is now part of this experience. You get that? That's what is saying all your pain is now part of this experience. Every moment which you didn't understand why you suffered, you still may not understand. It's not about a rational experience, but all of it becomes part of this experience. Every single moment of it because WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING NOW ONLY HAPPENED because the contrast wow, that wow is only a wow because of your experience. And if it was 53 years or 45 years or 35 years, every moment of those 35 years is now redefined through this experience. It's not just you got out of it. You didn't just get out of it. That's not what he's saying. If you would have just gotten out of it, you didn't have to be there. Stop. God is trying to torture everybody. That's called love. Stop torturing me and I don't need this. I don't need your cha. Let's stay there. It's not that he's It's because every moment of what you went through now becomes part of this experience. You didn't get out of it. You transformed it. >> That's Yeah. That's every sin becomes a mitzvah. And that's a breathtaking moment. I can't explain this through information. It's an experience, but it's a breathtaking moment. It's not. Okay. So, it's a So, now everything makes sense. Nothing makes sense. Forget about that. You can let go of that one. That ship has sailed long ago. >> That's true. There's no, you can't compare. Everybody Everybody has their own rock. Enough rocks. Enough rocks. >> Feel thankful. >> It's a different type of thanks. Yeah. So you'll say yeah but why did you do it and and then I suffered so it's good shilus I don't know it's just like it's beyond time it's beyond space also beyond seel is also a construct of creation so if you try with to figure out all these things you become completely stuck I tried to do it for many years it's doesn't work is a good tool I told you many times is a tool it's a hammer you don't live with a hammer you need a hammer to build a suka yeah use it you're learning tus you You need you need it's important is very aborted I mean we use all the time but in terms of the experience of life it's not the doesn't come from it's higher than is a tool it's a beautiful tool it's a divine tool it's a gift he doesn't finish because he expects you know the says stand can't stand why not because this experience is an experience of chuva. >> Yeah, you wrote that. Uh you wrote that the it's notic it's not fear. I'm a sadic my whole life. I can't stand here and you're a balta. This low life sin this whole life you becomes a balta. Come on. That's completely not understanding the vart. That's not about the bala. You're lucky because you sin. It's a whole different vart. The saddic represents two paradigms in life. The sadic is the person who didn't experience rupture. The truth is there's no such thing as a sadic. That's his point. All of life is about truva. The only sadic who exists as a sadic in theory. The saddic is someone who didn't ex experience rupture. There was no split in in in in in in in in today's language. It's the moment where you become disassociated from your true self which is a very very common condition. And the worst is you don't know that it happened, right? That that's really the that's the tragedy. The moment you know it happened, it's very different because then it's not really disconnected. >> Yeah. Because you see it you see the two parts and you see I have to come back but I don't know what happened. In other words, I create a substitute. You broke off from reality and you take the broken matzah and you turn that into a palace. That's where that's where the that's where the challenge is. That's why the moment you experience this, everything already is is beginning to heal. This is it. You could you could have lived the most dysfunctional life in the world. The moment you experience what Alb has said here, you're good to go. This is the beginning of all healing. This is the beginning of redemption. Who just said wow you. >> Very good. Very good. How it is or how we want it? Are we working for it or against really >> doesn't mean like people think that the the the brain rules the heart like a dictator like shut up be quiet you stupid heart we don't feel in our house in our house what do they say we no cry babies in our house we don't cry we don't feel that's not shalott that's a dictator shal the word is used in kumish you remember here visual last week parasik two weeks ago what's did he do he fed all of Egypt he made sure that every citizen of Egypt got food means that the is the adult in the room who takes care of the heart who who mentors the heart like a mother with a child if a child is crying or a child is screaming the mother doesn't say shut your stupid mouth Baby in this house we only have place for mature kids and a mother who does that we know the results. That child will never ever trust themselves. That child will never ever trust their emotions. I mean we all some of us know these consequences very well. A real mother looks at the child listens and the child may say callah and the mother says let me see maybe we need to call out maybe we don't. That's the heart is screaming let's take a look here come. The heart is tantruming. There's an adult in the house who's guiding the heart, who's mentoring the the heart can feel safe, but it can feel safe to beat to express itself. That's the idea. But not to shut not to shut down the heart and feel guilty for your emotions because we're not allowed to have emotions. >> That's a s that's sick. How could you? That's why we live in a generation where nobody knows what means. What does love look like? We know how to show up like soldiers. We're amazing with that and it's incredible cuz that's how we survived. I'm not We all have to give credit but to actually feel the bliss of God like are you crazy like what what are you taking literally what are you taking? I we say it three times a day. It says it's a mitzvah is 247. So it says it say it's a fine and if somebody would stop in a classroom today in yeshiva and say boys today or girls today we're going to talk about how can you actually experience love to God. What do you think they're going to say about this guy? >> Huh? >> All be quiet and listen very carefully for the first time. >> Beautiful. So that's what we're doing. I also need a homework. Huh? >> Even learning we shouldn't be even learning. Even when people are learning they think it's intellectual things. It's not. It's experiential stuff. There's obviously there's a lot of but it's really experiential. It's deb says yeah when you're learning when you says when he says when you learn it never happened. It's never going to happen. Why are you learning? Ruven says this and Shiman says this, the pak is going to be like this. Now you and I know Ruven never said this. Shim never said this. Only crazy people never happened. Why are you learning it and you're learning it for 15 years or some of us for 90 years? So says that this is the way Hashem is thinking. It's actually it's real energy. It's a perspective of life. And he says when you learn it and you absorb it, it's so even learning is that but I'll call upon him. So that's so this is the it says in about that they're drawn to him with more vigor vigor much more vigor vigor. It's a different stamina. This allows a true revelation of a on your soul the chuv dka the angst dka the tension this is what creates the real gil it's the contrast it's the when I come out of that egg when I come out from under that rock it's a different experience what he says now the life of The body and the animal soul and its faculties all become transformed and all become part of truva and all darkness transforms into light. That couldn't happen without the rupture. It could have never happened. Suddenly your ghoul your nephaham it's all part of the truva. Everything is part of it. Every moment that separated you now becomes part of the oneness. Every distraction I ever ran away into, every moment of anxiety, every moment of depression, every moment of resentment, every moment of guilt and angst and shame, every one of those moments, it's all an effort is coping. It's all now part of that cha. It's a different type of vigorous, different type of stamina. All your dysfunction now is infin infinite. All your dysfunction is now transformed. You see why that happens? Because all of it becomes part of this experience. You could have never experienced truth without the dysfunction. Every moment I was under that rock, literally hitting my head against a rock. Pun intended. Literally. Ever watch a bug, a mosquito trying to get out of a bottle, right? And it goes this this way, that way. Ever. Look at that. You know that's what life is, right? I'm stuck in a bottle trying to get a boom boom boom. You ever watched a bug thousands of times until it gets exhausted and it drops dead? You call the kvadesha. What's the one problem of the bug? It never looks up. If it would look up, it would just fly out. Goes right, left, I become a right-winger. I become a left winger. I go down, I go here, I go there. The only the only place the bug forgets to look is up. Up. It's free. You could go out. I don't know. So, I try everything. You ever watch a bug back and forth? That's a mirror for life. Literally, every moment, every one of those moments becomes redeemed. Every one of those moments, it all becomes part of that redemption. So it's an incredible process that happens. That's what chuva means. You bring back everything you went into. Every rupture becomes part of the oneness because that's what allowed you to now marvel and dwell and experience the the it's hard to describe in words because you ran away from it. You didn't run away from it. It's such a type of thing that it all comes with you. So this is what meant. Hashem saw my pain. the level of thank you for coming cuz he already gets it. He was there already. He knows everything I'm talking about. That's why he comes in. We're we're still trying to figure it out. Button, >> huh? Yeah. So says, "Hashem saw my so it doesn't mean he saw my pain." It's much deeper than that. Because of I experienced Hashem because of that was the this grief is what allows you to experience Hashem that Hashem I can experience through seeing that he sees me the Hashem comes through on note on he saw my pain. That's what it means. He saw my pain in other through my pain through oni. Therefore, I experience rah. And what do we explain ra is to really be seen for the first time to really feel seen for the first time. The moment you feel seen by God for the first time, that's that's worth everything. It transforms everything really. You see me like we it's it's so we all say Hashem sees you, but that's that's not what we're talking about. Hashem sees you. We see it more as guilt. You know, he sees you. He sees what you're doing. You better be careful. He sees everything. He hears everything. You think Google knows? He knows better than Google. Google sees everything I do. So, sees everything I do. But here, it's a different type of it's like he said before the closeness. You actually really see me. I'm seeing. >> He explains about the wood. What did you That's the >> hearing >> and then there's >> Yehuda only said by came. >> Yeah. Yeah. So that's that's the next but now this this is the so through the what's the face that I show you you show me back this grief this pain creates a reciprocal reality from Hashem that he actually I can feel seeing Cuz the moment you really feel seen, it's uh it's diff everything is different. Now now you're a channel. Now you're a channel. We doubt ourselves because I don't know. Am I seeing? Do you really see me? And who do I really need to see me? We want people to see us, but really that's just a metaphor. I only want God to see me. And once God once I know Hashem sees me and not I know knowledge because I believe that alterba says it I experience it now your power is unstoppable >> because now you're just the biggest channel in the world. I told somebody to read I said Alterba suffered terribly. The position that he suffered from was unbelievable. But it's interesting he never doubted himself. Usually if so many people are against you and they throw you into prison, shouldn't you look in the mirror and say, you know, maybe I'm making a mistake, maybe I should change paths. Why not? I'm not going to answer because I don't know. But one I think is very powerful. Whenever came to the mag the mazucha mag the mag told him that the bos told me that you're going to have a student who's going to come to you and at the right time you're going to reveal to him that he's an he's a soul that never came down before it's a new soul and it's an that comes from it's anatilus which means the level of the and you know the highest namas and that he came to to be mala the nish of and create the new to bring everything together and to prepare the world for the gul and that he's gonna have tremendous opposition but at the end he's going to triumph the moment alterb heard that from the mag he was seen now nothing can change that anymore so people could scream I'm this and I'm this and whatever they're clueless they know they don't know whatever everybody has their challenges but it it it only told him who he was that's it this is true in every person's life. The moment you're seen on that level, everything changes. But that comes from the takes me out of fake comfort and challenges me. Can I really see who I am? And then you understand what I'm saying? And what happens next? Now my husband will love me. Literally, it means is going to love me. What does it mean? He's going to love me. He's going to love me as a husband, as an says in we say of but there's going to be a day hashem you're going to stop calling me bi you're going to start calling me ishi. Bali is my husband. Ishi is also my husband. What's the difference? So the mafaram say Bali comes in the word balabayas. I'm your master. Like abal I own you. You're going to stop calling me Bali. Hashem says, "You're going to stop calling me my bal, my master. You're going to start calling me ishi, my husband." So, literally, it means that we're close. We're not just I'm not just your master, but I'm your husband. I'm your best friend. Says it's deeper. Isi. The word is means my husband. What does it really mean? It means my fire. a person has a desire that comes from below reaching above your desire form your craving is for your husband. It says he says to Hashem tells to your husband will be your craving is yearning for closeness with her husband. She wants her husband. She wants her husband to fill her. This is my fire. So what does it mean? You're going to call Hashem my fire. You won't call me B. You're going to call me ishi. It's very deep V. So you're calling me my fire. So one second. It's your fire. It's not my fire. When you have a desire for somebody, it's your desire for that person. You're looking for someone else. You're looking for your husband. If you had it in yourself, you wouldn't be looking for him, right? When does a marriage start falling apart? When the husband stops looking for the wife, the wife starts looking for the husband. They find it somewhere else. I don't need you anymore. I'm done. Means there's a fire. There's something burning. I want you. The very fact that I want you can also cause pain because I want you. Whenever you want something, I want I really want it. I'm craving for something because there's so much pain in that. Therefore, I go look for other things and I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore. Means there's a desire. So says, Hashem says, you're going to call me is what's is my fire. So you're going to call Hashem my fire. It's your fire, not his fire. is it's going to become subsumed until he will become my fire right arm embraces me that there should be the revelation of on my soul through this craving so it's not anymore separate so Therefore, I'm going to become your in other words, there's complete merging. There's complete oneness. So, you could call Hashem my fire. I'm going to call Hashem my fire. My fire usually is my desire, my craving, my yearning. What happens here is so that Hashem becomes my fire. In other words, my fire merges with him to the point that there is complete oneness. So is not anymore in a sense of separateness that we're just separate and I'm looking and looking and searching. But what happens is this is scalous. I become subsumed until he becomes. SO I CALL HASHEM my fire. So it's not anymore a separateness. That's the when you embrace somebody, when you hug somebody, they're like inside of you. They're like subsumed like the child in the womb of its mother. It's not separate anymore because the creates a so that is what chuva looks like. It's not just I'm yearning. I'm yearning because I'm separate. The separateness creates a type of yearning where there is a merging and a oneness where you actually become one. That's what creates. The two merge, the the the search from up below creates the seeing from above where I actually see you and we become we become one. And that's a moment of complete intimacy of oneness. On that day, you're going to call me ishi. I'm going to be your fire. Because usually if I say my passion by definition, it's separate. Like I'm passionate for you. I'm passionate for something that's outside of me. That's why I'm passionate about it. And here you realize that your passion that is the deepest relationship that creates the deepest relationship where the passion actually leads into complete oneness, complete merging so that you're not separate. You could put it in different words. You could say that the only definition of our separateness is that we yearn for him. In other words, what does it mean that I exist? What's the definition of I? I exist. The answer is that I yearn for Hashem. That is what my existence really means. Cuz really anoid mulvad. And yet we feel separate. So what does that separateness look like? What is that eye? Any other definition of an I is illusur. What's the only real definition of the eye that's separate? That I crave for you. That I yearn for you. That I want you. And that comes from I. And there comes the deepest merging because that is the whole talas of the separateness to be able to bring me back to Chuv. So this is all the of this is so it's not just seeing from a place of closeness that's what he started off this chapter that's how he started off it's not just love like we spoke before in the first paragraph the first section was saying how you come to the holies of opening the heart now he says it's in other words the is what that my separation itself becomes part of the love So all of life you're either in one of two places. Either you're one or you're yearning for oneness. That's it. That's what life is. It's called either we're one or I'm yearning for oneness. When there's a sense of separateness, I'm yearning for oneness. I'm craving for the and then there is the actual oneness the moment of complete bliss and oneness when I when I come back to the source and then I go back and I come back and sh that's what it is that's what all of life is those two movements either I'm there and there's no I there's completely no I because he is my fire. So my fire actually reaches into complete dissolving of any separateness. But we all know that you're not supposed to stay there and you can stay there because so there's there's coming back and then there is the yearning and it's complete yearning. It's complete aa There one leads to the other. So you understand the last the creates now not my husband is going to love me my he's going to love me in a way of ishi in a way that he becomes my fire. In other words, it's emerging like never before. The yearning, the craving, the pining, the balt creates a oneness that's like never before. A gil that he couldn't that will never ever have. Why? Because the whole darkness becomes part of the oneness. And this redeems every experience in life. There's not experience in life of pain that doesn't get redeemed through this. That's what truva means. True means that every experience in your life is redeemed, is elevated, is sublimated. Somehow every moment of darkness becomes part of the light. And if that moment of darkness wasn't there, it would have never been this light. The quality of light is forged by the darkness. Everything has building blocks, right? The building blocks of matter are atoms. What's the building blocks of this light? The darkness. The building blocks of this light is the darkness. The chemistry of this light is the darkness. You should write a poem for this. The chemistry of this light is darkness. In other words, if you take apart this light and what are you looking for? You find darkness because that is what built this light. So every moment of darkness is what creates this light. You say, "Come on, it's darkness. Stop romanticizing it." It's not romanticizing it. That's the truth of that's what is saying every moment of becomes this. When I get out of under that rock and I breathe until God throws me back under that rock, that breath, that experience brings together every single moment of of of doubt and uncertainty and even mistakes. We can go v it's New Year's. No, I mean this is this is generally what we call. What's means yearning. This is the yearning that we're talking about. It's love. Love is yearning. Now you come to the second parish of what's the second parish not is listening. This represents shuv returning is closeness which is love always comes from closeness. I'm yearning for you because there's a closeness. If I feel distant from you, there's no yearning. Of course, I'm distant. That's why I'm yearning. But the distance is still with a closeness. I feel you. I feel something. There's something I want. The very fact you want something means you're connected to it. Don't think that you're not connected to it. What's represents distance is I could see only something that's in my vision. I can hear something that happens in the other side of the world. So represents something that's far away from me. I heard about you and therefore I have awe. here we come from is reverence. This doesn't come from closeness. It comes from seeing me. Seeing you is closeness. Hearing is I hear the distance. There's something that pushes me far away. The person who's pushing you away. You're pushing away yourself. It's called humility. The person tells his soul who how do I even feel the audacity to get close to this? This creates and reverence in a person's heart says the nations saw and they trembled and they went far. They stood far. Because because they trembled therefore they understood it's time to go far there's a sense of awe hearing says your heart is racing and I'll come back come back to you hear what is saying this the opposite when you experience ain't there's two separate one isa I love you I love it it's it's it's it's impossible not to love because it's all love it's it's infinite goodness and your soul is excited but in that moment something else happens wow there's a sense of humility it's a sense of healthy shame it's like how can I hide from this it's too awesome there's a sense of busha there's a sense of y it's like there's an awe there's a reverence it's a bit this is what shia is one is I feel close I can't get closer I want to get closer closer closer until this complete merging and then there's how do I even come to stand there this is as healthy as the first response this is a sign that you're actually it's such a greatness like I I I I I almost need to hide from it. Like it's embarrassing for me to be here. It's like I can't find myself. I I can't find myself. There's an inadequacy. Not in a negative way cuz I'm a schmatan and I'm horrible. In a very beautiful way. I can't stare at the sun. It's like you move your wasn't it say by when he saw the snare right he hit his face why you said you wanted to see but when he saw he hit his face the infinity of it is so dazzling that the person feels like I'm not supposed to be here I'm just not supposed to be here how how do I how can I be here that's That's all. It's reverence. Stay away. Any type of mitsus is not deserving of being here. This is what real is. It's it's it's complete awe. It's complete b. The first is davka closeness. So the davka davka closeness. Of course, I love this. Wow. I'm not I'm not going away. I'm not going away. I'm staying. And then there's a tenua where you really feel and any even closeness is I'm not deserving of it. I'm just not deserving of it. >> You want to give me some Isis? >> If you thought the first one needs experience, the second one needs needs even more experience cuz we we confuse it with like with a shame like you're going to do something. It's not you're going to do you're not going to do anything to me. you're a good guy, you're not going to do anything to me. It's a completely inner it's an inner sense of inadequacy, but it's as healthy as it gets because in any form of mitis is is is already a contradiction. It's almost like I'm desecrating it. The in in inadashim, right? If I go in to take pictures, even if I can get away with it, you don't you don't belong here. It's it's a it's it's it's a moment of of very it's very very sacred. It's very sacred. >> Unless you believe in, >> right? But real anoid mulvad, the very fact that I'm experiencing it. So that that's there's a certain sense of of of of like what does he say like I can't stand here >> humility you were brought into the holy of holies it's very humbling it doesn't make me arrogant it makes me more humble it's such a privilege it's almost like a part of me it's interesting thing when the reba would come into shul. So there were two different responses. Somebody would dk stand there and look at him and have him look at you and others would run away. They were nobody told him to run away. It wasn't the nobody was punishing them. Nothing would happen. But it's an it's an inner sense of like so there was a yid his name was Alikh. He was a shikbak and when I was a kid I noticed when the rebba would come into davening he would always turn his back to the like where he was standing. So I asked him once, you remember Zik. I asked him, why do you always like it seemed very disrespectful? So he was a shik I thought he was never become an alcoholic but he was a very smart guy. He was a talented guy. He was a composer and then he he fell into shikas. So I asked him I would see the comes into he turns around like he's turns his back. So I asked him like what why do you do that? He looks at me says, "You want me to look at the I said I wasn't in the mikvah." So I said, "There's a mikvah in the corner." Gay mikvah. He says, he tells me if I go to the mikvah suddenly like but REMEMBER you went a few times into the water. SO HE WOULD TURN AROUND. I thought he's turning around in disrespect. I don't He has something with it was such it was such an interesting nobody forced him. It wasn't a nobody nobody's going to punish him that was a very kind person. He loved Jews. He loved people. But this it's an inner in. So sometimes it's like you're you you're you're in the presence of something. It's like how do I belong here? I don't belong here. That's an element of a healthy. There's an awe. There's a reverence. You we even see it sometimes in nature. You know, I remember the first time I came to the Grand Canyon, I prepared myself. I read about it and then I went out of the car and I looked like like like your breath is taken away. Wow. Relax. Enjoy. It's almost like, you know, there's like it's a certain bit almost like you like you lose yourself. That's an element of of awe. You lose yourself. It's like I don't even belong here. It's too It's too big for me. And as you said, the privilege the privilege is very humbling. It's a very awesome experience. Hashem is revealing himself to you. Talk to him. God came out of they ran away. Why? So says it was actually a very deep deeply intuitive response. Not because I don't want the relationship. It's because of what they saw because they realize what they're seeing. It's like how can we stand here? How can I stand here? And that actually means that the eye is recognizing that it was just open to something completely beyond it. It's like almost like and then it's a gift. It's like it's it's a privilege and a privilege I need to deserve like what brings me here. That's the element of says that's there's his gall of something that's beyond the ise says I see you. I see you. Can you see yourself? That's what creates closeness. Wow. Such closeness. Somebody who sees you. Like I spoke before and the mag there was a closeness because when somebody sees you there's a deep the deepest closeness you can't get closer to somebody is I recognize something that's so beyond me I have to go away I have to stand far and with both tuis are real the first is the first parish of the second is the second parish ofrishna says In the second par we have all these things. Be careful. Your heart may go astray. You may go to other gods. You're going to get angry. What's this? It's not like we learn. God is about to get angry. Means in the second parish of Krishna suddenly I realize yeah I have a potential to completely be distracted. My potential is to go to other gods. I have to realize who I am and how do I have the privilege of being here. You understand the adelite here? When you stand face to face, the fact that I have something in my heart that can take me completely away is very very humbling. And I'm like, I don't belong here. That's what creates the that's what creates the sense of awe and reverence. That's what creates the small I push myself away. I can't just stand here. It's too It's too big. It's too It's too powerful. You have to be able to deserve to stand here. Do I really deserve it? Do I deserve it? You're not denigrating yourself in an unhealthy way. It's this is a very Do I really deserve to stand here? Do I realize where I'm standing? >> You don't feel deserving because it's so hard to hold on to. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> You can only maybe hold it for a moment. It's always there because if I try to hold on to, >> right? >> And we know that. We know that holding on to it is so elusive. It's so infinite. It's like almost like if you stay there like I can't stay here. There's no not not going to be an eye left. So you like you like run away. That's another aspect of it. That's what he says. It's sh it's it's going back. It's almost like okay I got I got to go. Not because I hate you. At the contrary it's it's it's awesome. It's infinite. You're saying like the person doesn't feel it's like it's like underwater. You can't stay in the mikvah forever. A mikvah is a galica place, but you stay there forever. We know what happens. Tak didn't want to go away. Says they kissed God and they decided we're not going away. We're staying in the kiss. You know what happened? God says, "Okay, you know when you kiss, you inhale." So, Hashem inhaled and that was it. without it. >> Yeah. The ava is the closeness, the relationship, the yearning. Say, I want to be here. Of course, I want to be here. I'm not going anywhere else. This is the only place to be. But in that sense, in that place is also the shu of the separateness. That's what he says. That's what year is. It's not the end of the relationship. It's a different dimension in the relationship. It's the fact that it's so big and you need to almost retain your space. Like you said very well, if I stay here, there's going to be nothing left. And then the relationship ends. You know why? Because there's nobody left. Then we're back to pre-creation. So for the relationship to actually mean something, I also have to become distant. So the distance is part of the relationship. It's very important this idea. As much as for relation as much as closeness is essential, distance is also essential. First he said you become my fire. My husband loves me in a way of ishi. Hashem loves me is in other words the is is he and my fire become one. But if he and my fire become one, I'm not yearning for him anymore. Boom. So what happens now? Now we become separate. And now I can yearn back for him. I'm like, I don't like being distant. I'm going back. You're going back and then you run away. They stood from far. That was essential to the to the Indian. And that comes from recognizing your humanness. Yeah, I'm human. A part of me can actually go to aliens. A part could go to could go to worship idols. A part of me can betray you. A part of me could say, you know what, I couldn't care less about this relationship. This is the beautiful element of separateness. This is where you are you and I am I. And now we could choose to connect. If not, we wouldn't choose to connect. Whatever here is he's redeeming the moments of distance. Like we always look for closeness. You have to also appreciate the distance. You have to appreciate the distance. The distance doesn't mean you're evil and bad. The distance means you're actually going to a place where there can be a yearning. Yeah. I run away from you to to you. What's the >> Yeah. Or >> like they just said the darkness, >> right? And then that darkness becomes part of the new light. >> Yeah. Now, of course, sometimes a person just becomes distanced because they don't care. You know, I'm done with you. But essentially what's at the core of it? At the core of it is the element of it's breathtaking. But how long can someone take away your breath? You know that's what it's like. You know the suspense. How long? If the breath is taken away for too long, we also can't live. People don't realize what it means to be a sadic who's living with rats and sh like you know what what this means experientially without distractions like it's very intense. It's beautiful but it's intense. So Leia says Hashem heard that I'm loathed. What's It means Hashem heard that I'm hated. So now he gave me a child. It's much deeper. It's a whole different just like from my I experience from the I experience from this from the from me feeling my unworthiness I create I generate milia A sense of that gives me that gives me awe that gives me reverence from the from the pain from the grief of being under the rack of being constrained. I experience him is always like from this from the what does Hashem give me? He gives me a new gift. He gives me the gift of Shia. What's the gift of Shia? The gift of Shm is the gift of Yera. The gift of BL, the gift of distance. It's a in a way it's a deeper gift like I don't belong here. That comes from the creates the Hashem. God hears me. He doesn't see me. He hears me and I hear him. There's an element the relationship of which is which is That's shim. I think we should finish this paragraph. So you have what happens now? Now it's time for Ley. What's Ley? When Ley was born, what did she say? When Ruven was born, she said, "My husband is going to love me." When Shim was born, she said, "And therefore gave me Shim." So represented one element. Shim represented another element. What's >> Ley? Whatever is >> okay. >> What's Ley? My husband will now accompany me. He's going to be with me. He's going to follow me. He's going to escort me like means to company says what's all this everything is true 15 times thought about it I got it it's like somebody will come to me after a and say the is true it's authentic it's real it's accepted I like it it's amaz okay we got it I mean thank you but you know Exactly. Like you said, MS, you know, when people start swearing that something is true 100 times, it's because it's a lie, right? Like don't I promise it's true. I PROM I'M NOT LYING TO YOU. I GOT IT. If you say the truth, you don't actually say it's true. Like what I say is true. Like it seems a little dramatic. It's okay. By the way, what's all this? It's a funny thing. Yeah. Like you wouldn't put an like, but that's what they did. says, "What do you say all of this?" What's the is now my husband will accompany me. And as says Friday night, we say it. is the right is the left and in between is the left side which is under my head. It actually lifts up your head. The actually brings you in and embraces you. This is all me coming close or me going far. This is all my relationship with you. This is referring to the source is very high. It came into physicality to physical things but the source of that's why is compared to comes from the highest place into the lowest placebo. So here comes the meditation of Ley. True. I am unworthy on my own to be subsumed in the light of God and to bring my soul from lower to higher to the point it becomes one. Who can go up to this mountain? I can't even climb Mount Everest. I can't climb the Himalayas. You have to appear for years and be in shape. Now you want to climb the mountain of what's the conclusion but my husband is chasing me. My husband is chasing me. May I may not be able to come up the mountain, but is chasing me is coming down. He's revealed he's manifested in the because he wanted that the highest level of hemlike precation should be revealed. He wants it. He He needs it. He's craving it. He's coming. He's pursuing me. HE SAID, "I WANT YOU. I WANT YOU. I'M NOT I WANT YOU, BUT I'M I'M not worthy. I'M ADDICT. I WANT YOU. YOU know who I am. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU. He's wooing me. He's chasing me. Yeah, but you just experienced I know. I know me. I'm not I'm not a I got demons. I got skeletons. I got my insecurities. got it but I want you says I want the that's what is and it came down from the highest place into so that I can have it because the in its source I want to be able to relate to that's why matra was I'm running after you need a different house I'll give you a house that works for you but your house is infinite we'll make the house small that's the idea of coming into where the person immerses themselves in they can actually ACCESS on their soul because that's what is like you said it's not an intellectual thing it has in it for sure and it's infinite but it's essentially it's a relationship it's an intimate relationship it's here I'm sharing myself with you in a way that you could relate to it that's why the is something that we could relate The Rashab once said about Tanya that it's like he says everybody learns the greatest of sages and the youngest of children. Everybody understands something. Nobody understands everything. Everybody understands something. Nobody understands everything. You could be a 90-year-old gad and you learn and you could be a 5-year-old kid and YOU LEARNISH. EVERYBODY GOT SOMETHING. NOBODY GOT EVERYTHING. But it's it's written in a way that everybody has something. So that's That's your heart is racing. Go back to because how do I stay here? I can't stay here. First of all, I won't survive. Suddenly, I'm unworthy. But don't think THERE'S NO IN THE THERE'S also what do you mean there's no invarness. That's not true. That's the gift of you have the he wanted in your sense of self. It's all the experience of the person, closeness, distance. It's the relational field. Closeness, distance, both very real, both very powerful. Now comes step three. Step three is and now I'm coming after you. After that's the now we'll understand the answer. What are you saying 15 times? You keep on confirming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. IT'S REAL. WHAT? WHAT? What's real? Because this is already a huge kesh. It's a huge that you're pursuing me. I understand I'm pursuing you. I get that. You're pursuing me. You probably don't know me. So you say that in all my loneliness, I want you. That's that you need to tell yourself. You need to tell yourself this miracle. Really this is your need as much as it's my need. This is your craving as much as it's my craving. From this itself you can go muga that the whole anciph is looking for one thing is looking for a relationship with me and my separateness. Really ms. No come on you're being dramatic. You're just trying to build my self-confidence. Viat. Oh no no it's just liberal stuff to make me feel good instead of telling me the real mus. Oh, come on. Yeah. Okay. Rabbi W. That's his thing. Yeah. Vikam. Yeah. Today, Musa doesn't work. So, we like to lift up people. We like to tell them nice THINGS. YOU'RE A GREAT GUY. You're a great guy. We all know the truth. You're a loser. You're a low life. You're going to burn in Gahhanim like your teacher told you the Isaac Va. There's people here who sat for years in this. Yeah. And they still wonder if I'm making up stuff. So you have to say not 15 times or 15,000 times. See what is actually crazier for you more than you're crazy for him because as much as you're crazy for him it's you. It's not infinite. It's ultimately with our limitations. When he's crazy for you, he's really crazy for you. Nobody's forcing him and it's infinite. So that's called craziness in a in in a good way. Craziness. So it's aish also it's almost he says like you have to be at like you have to actually be access it that this this whole should be with says this is ley. Now comes Yehuda. Okay, everybody have a beautiful day. It's a good sahabola.