Understanding Crisis Chinuch: Part 1, Rabbi Shimon Russell #186

hi everybody Welcome to tonight's program thank you for coming here on this beautiful Sunday night want to thank everybody for coming every Russell we're in our fifth year over here believe it or not and uh Russell is one of the one of the I want to say one of the founders of the of the program so I really appreciate him coming back on and we're going to cover a lot mm again first thanking all the people for every week for promoting us for posting it letting people know about it I saw this flyer was all over the place if people don't know people this flyer was translated in many different languages sobody to here from all over the world thank you for joining us again place to talk through a lot of things that we deal with try to get some clarity M hopefully tonight that will be the case if anybody wants to join the WhatsApp chats please whatsa me at 732 314710 send you the community chck links you can go to m.com and sign up over there um we'll also put on the post on the chats the the links for the for these different programs um for all the people that are watching us on YouTube can click on the Subscribe button every week could upload we upload the videos you could um you could watch them on YouTube you can click on the like button so post the videos M Monday 2:34 a.m. everybody gets to watch it and should be it should be a big you know be a big thing for cl so people should keep on growing with it and uh I want to thank first of all also the advertising sponsor L scoop ell vwn Central K jcn forting us on all the Jewish programs again for anybody's here the first time every Sunday night the past almost five years I know where you've been at 9:30 on this Zoom ID we have different therapist different abon different topics and have a lot of big programs coming up starting with tonight next week June 2nd working on finalizing I w't announce it yet but met it's going be a very special program so please join us I don't I can't say it yet because it's not certain details are not confirmed but be very powerful and let people know about it and tonight share share 186 we're going to start our first going to our host coach uh we go to you first yeah we'll go to you first is going do a little opening then we'll get into tonight's share okay welcome back everyone another let's get real with with lot of hope everybody had a nice wherever they managed to get to and uh we should all andas and all the things that we need it's a privilege and a host to have rabie Russell with us tonight it's not the first time but the conversation that we're going to have tonight is something that we've wanted have already a while and here we are and hopefully with we can start start the conversation we had RAB a few weeks ago discussing that before mashia comes the world needs a little bit of healing and um everybody wants to be good everybody's trying to do their best and not always doesn't look so so nice a lot of times healing you open your can of worms and it doesn't look so beautiful you have to deal with things that you don't want to and then kids appearance it it it sometimes it's a struggle and it's not easy but we're here we're trying our best and um stuff come up whether it's emotions memories and um tonight we're going to be discussing a little bit of um going to continue our journey continue our journey on the with the healing journey and um talking about emotions triggers and uh again we have barem people that deal with these things and they can give it over but just before we start I'm thinking many times you can go to a speech or you could listen to a concept and while you are listening to it you it makes so much sense and you're thinking to yourself this is what I have to do and mitz I'm going to try this try that and for some reason when we get back home you're back into into the situation um it just just doesn't work it just you just blow up it and you're thinking and then you feel guilty that o I want to do something different and it's not working you try again and you don't know what what has to happen so tonight we're going to have the discussion and we're going to talk about it but many times I tell people come with an uh you know come with an open mind it doesn't mean it's going to work after the first time we pick up ideas we try to see where it's applicable for us what what's what's Nea what's not and uh it does it does take time till we realize where am I where's my child where's my parents what you know where am I in this um we got a lot of emails and um I must say that you know before we start just to spend a a moment a moment of silence there are many many people out there that are really really struggling and everybody I'm sure everybody knows someone but it's a real struggle not just somebody you know in school my kid these are real heavy heavy questions I don't know we'll be able to get to these these questions tonight but we're going to start the conversation and my is that should help us that we should be there for what Hashem wants us whether it's for us for our kids talking about but these concepts are also not only in these concepts are whether bias it can be at work how to deal with other people to understand other people so we should be able to we should M pick up the concepts understand and and apply it and they should help us on this healing Journey so for being with us tonight and we should have a lot of you're welcome okay thank you thank you okay let's get in tonight's program we have a lot to discuss and uh right right was short time really there's a lot to get into so let's get into it number one um first go to tonight's sponsor tonight's sponsor is fresh start fresh start very close with very close with myself and we're gonna give him the floor to speak a little bit V can I can I give a little background what fresh start has to do with re Russell the whole absolutely please can I give a little background is that okay sure so my understanding you can correct me if I'm wrong fresh start you know is a self-healing program that you go for a week and you get this deep intense therapy it's creative because as people that deal with struggling kids and they start realizing that some of the issues a little bit is coming from their past and their struggles throughout the thing and we also together felt that uh it would be important to give a parents also a way to heal some of their traumas get deep in there because these sugis and these Paras however you say that in English um bring out a lot of the traumas in the people themselves and then they go into this deep journey of trying to heal themselves and they start realizing thatan does the surgery soan floor is yours thank you ushi thank you coach um as many of you may know RAB Russell as oi mentioned is a co-founder and acts as the yosha RHA fresh start and it's an H honor to sponsor this share tonight rev Russell I'll leave it up to you during your speech to clarify a little bit about what El she said um but uh a little bit about fresh start our past experiences can often lead to self-defeating behaviors and relationship ch challenges parenting struggles and more fres start is focused on healing helping members of the from Community understand the connection between our past and our present our Flagship program Fresh Start Retreat is a 7-Day intensive Retreat helping participants under the understand their past to create a better future the program is designed for men and women who want to understand process and heal from Fast wounds and reconnect with their authentic self the Fresh Start Retreat is the F first of its kind in the Torah world developed under the guidance and Leadership of a team of world world renowned trauma experts doctors and rant to comine proven principles with authentic CH values we have this of being endorsed by numerous G including the stal the B RAR lansi uh and many other ranim around the country and around the world that have uh that have sent uh members of their kahila our program um if you are someone you know or a loved one is struggling with unresolved childhood trauma definitely reach out to us you can learn more about us at Jewish freshstart.com or you can uh call us at 9997 thank you again for the opportunity to sponsor and with that being said RBI Russell I know we all anxiously await to hear your and Sage advice okay let's get into it um I'm not going to read re Russell's bio if you don't know it and just sign off and um I'm going to give a little pre-opening if that's okay re Russell okay okay sure Russell will clarify V because he knows how to clarify better uh we're here really to talk about a very big subject it's called crisis um that everybody understands what that means um it takes many many many many I don't want to use the word years but it takes a lot of to really understand it and there's a logical part of it and there the emotional part of it which gets complicated and uh we spoke with reos a little bit before the sh today and we realized that it's such a big Su and such a big par to talk about everybody should understand we're going to try to do it in little pieces um there will be multiple sh multiple parts of this program because it'll be impossible to encapsulate that in one two three hour program just not possible so we're going to try to really super focus on certain parts of it and like R Russell will say soon he'll clarify exactly what I mean but when we do go to questions we're not going into personal questions and we're not going into any questions really besides the topics we're going to be talking about tonight so if anybody has a question on what Rabbi Russell says tonight specifically ask on that and we can get more clarity on it but nothing to do with anything else because as we saying we're trying to build like I'm telling you something about an airplane you don't know what it is right and I'm trying to describe you first what an airplane is start asking questions about the engine wouldn't make any sense so that's my opening R Russell the floor is yours fine okay thank you I appreciate it I do appreciate being back here again um every time I've been here I see the feedback is uh is phenomenal the way you're reaching into clol with uh subjects and and issues that really need teasing out talking more about so colot to you guys for doing this program I came to do this particular as you well know this subject in crisis with a little trepidation here's my concern um as you just said to really understand crisis properly it's not going to happen tonight the best we can hope for tonight is that we'll have a beginning of an understanding of what this subject is about and we will develop it more and more and more when I originally came up with the name crisis I did it specifically to differentiate from from regular it kind of drove me crazy over the years many many years ago when we started talking about this the people speakers and magazine articles would talk about and Inter leave issues and and that was to regular with instruction advice and guidance that was and it was very very confusing which one of we talking about what is the subject matter because although a lot of the ideas that are NE to crisis might be and could be sometimes you know pulled into regular with regular children the difference is in crisis you have to do this the things we're going to come to understand over the course of these different Workshops the the ideas have to be done if we're going to reach the kids who are seriously struggling when I say seriously struggling we all know what that means the ones who are regular is simply not working and we're losing our relationship with our kids so then we come on to these Notions of Crisis but to understand it properly you have to stop with an anchor of what is regular like how's it meant to look otherwise it makes no sense so I don't want to be misunderstood I'm going to talk initially about regular normative because by understanding how should work how parenting should work to bring up our kids in a more or less healthy way we can begin to get a better feel for what went wrong like what happened to them why you know why are they struggling and so therefore we can get a better sense of what is exactly it is we have to do to help repair that damage and help our kids become the incredible people they're meant to be because every one of them is meant to be something special and it's our job to try and help them do that so when I start with regular I don't I don't to misunderstand here I'm not talking tonight you know crisis is not about regular it's about how to help those kids who are seriously struggling and to understand this properly can I really recommend if anyone needs the fast like move through this and I desperately need to understand this now go on to the kesi website www.i.org .org yeah go on to the kesi it's hosted by T anytime go on to the Kesha Nai website and and watch all the DS watch them and understand them and and learn them deeply learn them and understand what this is all about we're going to start this and and we're going to do it slowly Del deliberately to make sure that we understand what we're doing and that we can bring out the suia this Su of CH in a way that we'll know exactly where yes to apply it and when we don't need to apply it what is it about but really it's important that we internalize why it works people come to me frequently and they're looking for tools and tricks for how to fix my kids and quite honestly it almost never works well never works looking for tools and tricks doesn't do it what we really need to do is get inside the subject matter itself understand it very very deeply and then it comes out of us in a very different fashion so again I want to be clear although I'm going to start off talking about regular the real subject is Crisis regular here is only in order to understand what should happen and then we can understand what went wrong and then it'll make more sense to us when we begin to talk about the the actual techniques of chis and why it works does that make does that make sense to you yep it's beautiful yeah okay let's start off for every El before we get into it we start with questions we want to try to really clarify it we're going to take a poll from everybody here tonight before we start this whole Mega series of programs just to get everybody's feelings and thoughts and then we'll jump into the questions okay I'm going to get some water while you're doing that go ahead okay okay so we're going to ask everybody two questions and everybody answers to the best of your ability just interesting questions I want to see what everybody has to say here we go first question okay what do you think crisis means four possible answers buying them huge presentence and showing them that you'll do anything and everything no matter the cost number two giving your child whatever they claim they need to keep them calm and happy option three giving your child all the possible all the resources possible including therapists tutors mentors whatever the kid needs to make sure that he that he gets better or option for adjusting your parenting to the needs of the child those are the four possible answers second question when do you think a child falls into the criteria of needing crisis four options number one when they out of school number two when they're not keeping shabas and other related Mitzvah number three when they are struggling in the curriculum of school or number four anytime you see a child with a struggle okay those are the two questions everybody answer we'll give you 30 seconds R El you see the two questions I should do okay we're just we're getting warmed up here we're just going to understand where everybody is we'll take it from there by the way there's like you know I'll be quiet okay I got it I see it okay I'm going to end the poll I'm going to share the results else if you want to comment after the after after we share the result nobody sees it yet there there answers yet if you want a comment we could jump into the into the beginning of the you know understanding what everything let me let me show the answers Let Me Show the answers okay so number one what do you think chis means 1% of people thinks buying them huge present showing them that you'll do anything and everything for them a matter of the cost is 1% 3% of people think giving your child whatever they claim they need and keep them calm and happy 12% of people said giving your child all the resources possible therapists tutors mentors and 86% of people adjusting your parenting to the needs of the child BR want to comment on that we go the next one okay go to go to the next one then we'll talk then we'll talk when do you think a child falls into the criteria of needing crisis 5% say when they're out of school 24% when they're not keeping shabas and other related Mitzvah 5% when they struggling in school 66% of kid people here think that you need to use Christ as anytime you see a child with any struggle okay so look let's some it's almost unfortunate you did this poll I'll be honest although maybe it'll change the whole tone of the evening I don't know crisis is was created and is designed in an absolute must when you've lost your relationship with your kid when you see that what you're trying to do to get your child to comply because as parents what we're trying to do always is take our children and teach them about life teach them how to cont conduct themselves and live in this world so when you've lost that relationship with your child where you can't encourage them or get them to do things they ought to be doing or stop them from doing things they shouldn't be doing without destroying your relationship with them that's really the key in a very simple simple nutshell if you can't we all are standing up to our children when they're little children trying to get them to do things frequently that they don't want to do or stop them from doing things that they do want to do and if we can do that and using our s and we can do that without ruining our relationship with our children you don't need Christ's that's called that's part of what is installing in our children or parenting installing in our children good values and and good behavior in life and keeping them away from things that will be destructive to their lives that will hurt them if you can do that without hurting your relationship and I don't mean hurting your relationship tonight where they go to B Moody and they're all upset with you and angry with you if they wake up tomorrow morning and your relationship is fine we don't need chis you absolutely need crisis if you realize that when you try to get your children to conform to the norms and behaviors of life that you as a parent believe are healthy and good for them you try to get conform by either getting them to conduct themselves do things positive things in a way that you think is right things they need to be doing and or stop them from doing things that are destructive and inappropriate and in trying to do that you realize you've lost a relationship is slipping away your kid is is cutting off from you and not not just not conforming or listening to you anymore but they're simply disappearing from their relationship with you they're isolating they're disappearing from the table they're not interested they go to bed Moody but they wake up Moody and they wake up disconnected from you well the chances are if you're losing your relationship with your child then you need chist and all the rest of it are details that you know six and one half a dozen or the other sometimes you know it's this issue or sometimes it's that issue but it's much more about do I have anym a relationship with my child where I can influence their behavior in a positive way or I could help them not do things that I feel are inappropriate for them and I can do that without losing my relationship with them and again I want to repeat that doesn't mean where they're they're upset with you tonight because they're often going to be upset with us we as parents stand up to our children as we should and we should give them the parameters of life and sometimes the kids don't like that and they're upset and they're Moody it hurts them even if we do it in the right way they're still upset and Moody because we're restricting their behavior no one likes being told what to do nobody so mea if we're standing out to them and we don't lose our relationship with them they're just upset but tomorrow when we see them the next day they're fine everything's fine we're back with that's called parenting that's what parenting is we're not meant to be afraid of our kids we're meant to be able to stand up to them firmly and lovingly and help guide them to conduct themselves in a healthy way but if we realize in that process and that's really what we're going to be talking about we've lost the relationship with the kids they're not listening to us anymore they've dis they've disconnected from us like I said they're isolating they're forever angry they're not interested they're disrespectful and we we see that our relationship with them is lost or or at least we're losing it it's slipping away chances are you need to you need to start doing crisis so that you don't lose your child I hope does that make sense yeah but I think we we're gonna start from the top let's go let's go from the top we're gonna get right into it okay okay so so so let me let me see if I let me start every else with a question okay one okay fine let's start a question very simple question I have a simple question I want to understand somebody said we we talked about what's wrong with this and what we shouldn't do in parenting we shouldn't do that can you describe what is normal healthy parenting looks like here is sure sure we're on the same page because that that's really what I think we know that's exactly what I think we need first of all you know although I've said this on multiple platforms and I talk about this you know I I hardly ever talk about parenting without starting with this but I think it's really crucial that we hle this again again and again and again and we get this deep into our hearts so let's start with a very simple idea there's a in sayses who created the world for people to live in it to fill the world with people with citizens of the world and what I've come arise for this but it's not time to go into it right now but the idea behind there's a mid you know Imperial Rivia we have a Mitzvah to bring children and populate the world everyone has a Mitzvah to bring children into this world part of the mitah is the physical matus of bringing children into the world and part of the mitzah is to bring in children and I think the best way to understand it who will populate the world citizens of the world who will live lives and be productive and serve Hashem that these people are healthy healthy embody and healthier mind they're happy they're capable of self-love and they're capable of loving others this will be the mids of the to bring citizens of the world there's rise for it again it's not for now but these con it's really connected to together but it's really to bring in children who are healthy healthy in body and mind this is a parental mandate happy as human beings capable of self-love and capable of loving others this is our primary job alongside this alongside this job of bringing up kids who are these happy loving human beings and that's what the hasem wanted us to fill the world with such people alongside that we as T we have a job to be too that means to install mites what does it mean means we should educate the parameters of Mitzvah to our children teach them what Mitzvah are and hopefully Inspire them to install or internalize those Mitzvah inside themselves where they want to do them these are the two Mitzvah that stand side by side the chitara bringing up a healthy happy loving human being and at the same time we have to teach them what the parameters of all mitzvas are that's teach them Mitzvah and teach it to them in a way that's in so inspirational that they should want to internalize those mitzah inside themselves these two mitzah we do and I think we all know this kind of without having a spelled out we know this is what we're meant to be doing the problems begin when sometimes those two mitzvas can be in Conflict those two obligations on us are in Conflict we have a in the early early years of childhood we have a this this obligation to try and bring up our children to be healthy happy loving human beings at the same time we have this Mitzvah to install mits to to teach them about the parameters of mitzah and to try and encourage them to do the mitzah and keep to mitzah very occasionally those two are in Conflict they're in Conflict now what do we do which one takes presidents when they're in Conflict we got little kids right now let's say for example 0 to six even pre but I would say through til Mitzvah we have little children and we want to get them to do Mitzvah you know put on your SES you know dress properly whatever it is we're trying to get them to do at the same time we have which means in normative childhood development bring up a healthy happy child the obligation the job is to work out how to do the two seamlessly together and if there seems to be a conflict and occasionally certain children come back to this world with their struggles and issues or you know their personality is is a challenging personality and or they've been through various problems and struggles that we're not aware of and it's very hard for them and they start resisting for example doing the tzes part they they get they struggle with it so when there's a conflict between the two what we have to lean to is always know you cannot compromise the you cannot compromise that I have to work out how do we help them do the mitzah and do T mites without losing the ability to help our children feel healthy in body and mind happy capable of self- Lov and loving others and they only happen if they have this deep relationship with us so we start there begins a conflict very often when we're trying desperately to get them to conform to the mites to T the things we would like them to be doing and Meanwhile we're compromising our relationship with our children you know we we can compromise that and lose the ability to help bring them up as healthy people when there's when and if there could be a conflict between the two we always are on the side of the she Sor first and work around how do we help them embrace the mitas but not just forcing them against their will which could help which could unfortunately lose our relationship with our children that's where crisis begins to unfold normative we do both and they work seamlessly they just work fine we bring them up to be healthy happy kids and at the same time we help them install mitzvas into our children and it all works seamlessly it works just fine when we begin to need chis and need to be thinking about it is where we see it's not working and for some reason unfortunately the attempt and effort to install mes is actually distancing our kids from us and causing them to resist us and fight with us where we can bring them up as a healthy child in the way they should be is this making sense to you yeah yeah okay so I just have I just have a a quick question the question is for those I'm just thinking those who don't have Torah mitzvas let's say the the world out there I'm I'm sure they also struggle with these ideas oh it would be the same thing with in reg anything we're trying to get our kids to do you know I'm just mentioning in terms of ter misses because that's our domain here but it's true with anything anything if we're trying to push our children to either do things they don't want to do or stop from doing things they do want to do and compromising our relationship with our children and the ability to bring them up as healthy people we always have to ER on the side of healthiness and work out how to that that's the priority it's not that we give up on trying to you know get them to do things they shouldn't do that we want them to do or stop from doing things they shouldn't they shouldn't we don't give up on it but we do it in a way that never compromises this in the old days I give you an example years ago in the old days almost everything up until 50 years ago was resolved with s pet with you know bang bam that's it we can fix every problem what do you mean the kids aren't going to listen of course they're going to listen and you're going to make them listen and they're going to versions there was the one PCH the two yeah I mean I'm saying in the old I'm not making fun of it that's the way the world was you know the truth is we should really make our to this entire subject if someone listening doesn't understand or accept that the world has changed well then there's almost nothing we can do to help them with their children that brings up the question I mean people ask this question all the time why 20 30 40 years ago we were raised in that generation we got rules it was strong yes it wasn't so why why why are we going with this whole new theory of love and blah blah blah blah yeah okay so so look that's a whole different sheer I think we've you and I have talked about that in the past we've even I think we even did a program about it again I just want to acknowledge the reality almost all intelligent thoughtful people realized that the nature of the world has changed the nature of children worldwide there's nothing to do with the Jewish World you know what's happened in the world around us unfortunately seeps in there's no Ghetto Walls to protect us anymore as strong as we want and we should and we must Shield ourselves from the influence of the outside world from their secular values and Concepts their trait ideas the fact is we can't completely Shield ourselves and slowly be surely the world has changed and the world of children is very very much changed to a world where they no longer can handle the the most put it this way some can of course and and almost all children can handle careful loving firm discipline they almost all kids can handle it of course however the world of children has changed where we see that they quickly move towards independence and towards you know their own desire to be who they are where we see that the S pet the two you know the two PCH world didn't work another way of looking at that is in the in the world that was up until I don't know 30 40 50 years ago it started really changing and certainly recently it's changing more rapidly almost all parenting or was you know when you had to stop your child doing something they don't want to do which is really what discipline is all about you're stopping them doing something they want to do or you're getting them to do something they don't want to do so in the old days you did it by withdrawing love and showing upsetness like you're mad with them upset with them angry with them and you withdraw Your Love from them and the children didn't want to lose the love of their parents and they certainly didn't want to receive the s p or the angry look from their parents so we withdrew love and we showed the frustration and anger and the kids got like scared of that and they would sh too and they would cooperate and and that was used as the sort of the underly you know one two three quick way to get kids to cooperate and it worked for centuries that's the way always that's the way it worked in recent times over the last 203 years the entire world has been shifting away from that and it's reached a place not where for shom we give up on discipline we give up on trying to be madri our children to do the right thing and we try and stop them doing the wrong thing that's crazy that's crazy to give that up to be scared of our kids and frightened of them that they you know they're going to go off the DK if we if we like stand up to them and try and in any way influence their behavior that's Anarchy that's crazy that's destroying a whole entire world of people that's terribly terribly destructive the beauty of what we're going to be talking about again I really feel bad because this is going to take us many many sessions to get to it to do it properly if I I would just say here's the answer here's what you do I could tell you right now in literally three minutes you know here's what you do in chis but to be able to internalize it and do it properly it has to come from within it has to come from the kishkas of a person as a natural this is my this is how I see the nature of kids because when I stand up to them in this generation instead of withdrawing love and showing this frustrated angry look which by the way still works for many kids in fact it probably works at times for all children on lighter in on him I imagine all children even in this day and age that will work more or less with most of the children however as the push back of the kids gets harder and stronger and they get older parents quickly discovered it doesn't work so it really what we've moved to in this generation when they start disconnecting from a relationship with us we've actually come to the reverse where we show more love we withdraw the anger while at the same time doing the firm discipline they need we've actually turned it the other way around so that we want the attachment so let me see if I can explain it like this okay you know let's move let me move on and show another way we mentioned the CH that we want to bring up healthy children so let's have a look another way of how we bring up healthy children so there are three distinct stages this is again normative parenting there are three distinct stages of childhood development that in Broad broad brush drugs we can understand the should went done and I think most intelligent normal parents may not realize this is what they're doing but in fact this is what they're doing I'm just going to give the gorm so we can get clarity and see it so much clearer see the first thing we do 0 to2 is unconditional love that's really what we're meant to be doing and that's so incredibly crucial I don't think people realize you know how important it is in childhood development that we start off with the 0 to2 Unconditional Love by the way people ask me that doesn't mean at two we stop loving our kids it means all we do 0er to2 is unconditional love we should continue that for the rest of their lives they should fill that however 0er to2 we're doing unconditional love that means whatever they do whatever push back a baby a child does that to make our lives difficult or to fight with us about normal you know parenting childhood stuff whatever they do we're meant to react if we can this is idealized know I don't want people to be sub Bruen if you didn't do this you know we'll start now we can make up for it and and in fact a lot of what crisis is is making up for the damage that happens when we didn't do this properly so you know we can always repair it if we can you know later on but what we're trying to do zero to do is unconditional love that means whatever they do if you're sitting with your baby and let's say your baby's KY and you're holding your baby at night and you're exhausted and you got to go to work tomorrow and it's extremely extremely extremely frustrating and you're not getting a lot of sleep when you're holding that baby and you're rocking that baby and trying to soothe that baby you're actually and I want people to understand this you're installing in their mind in their brain development you're installing in them that they are cared for and loved they're in pain they don't know why they're hurting they're KY and something inside them is in tremendous tremendous pain and they're crying out because they're hurting whether it's gas bubbles or whatever it is inside them they're hurting inside and they're crying and crying when we soothe them gently we're actually programmed our children to believe and feel again it's not a conscious intellectual belief it's a programmed into their nervous system into their brain that you're loved and we're here for you and we're trying to help you we're we're your parents and which we're trying to help you with life so we're actually programming them to trust us you know and very often you can imagine the opposite if while they're Co coling and we're soothing them of course it can be exceedingly exceedingly frustrating and instead of gently and lovingly rocking and soothing them we're actually angry frustrated tense frightened exhausted if we do that too often then we program into our children you know again unintentionally that it's not so safe and they can't trust us so much and they we're installing in them a lack of safety inside them in a similar vein let's say you're feeding your child in the morning uh you're rushing off to work and you're sitting there with your baby and feeding them Cheerios you see they're in the high chair and you're sitting next to them and feeding them Cheerios they're sitting in their they you know a year old or whatever it is and someone makes a noise behind you and you turn around to see what's going on and as you turn around see what's going on the child takes the entire bowl of Cheerios and throws it on your head and you get soaked with a mixture of milk and Cheerios right now that's not a pleasant experience for anybody but it's also an opportunity to show unconditional love no one a child is not a bad person who did a bad act they're just they're a child they're a baby and they threw on you so imagine the difference in our reaction if we obviously we're a human being and it's oh no you know you going to react in a in a way that's you know it's disappointing I just got covered in cheer and I was ready to go to work and dressed and now I'm late and I got to rush but imagine the difference when we turn that moment into laughter and we turn into oh you know in a funny moment and and you laugh about it with a child and you soothe the them and you get another bow and you go change and you clean up and you give them some more Cheerios or if you get frustrated and upset and angry and and and upset with whoever's behind you who distracted you and there's Kus and braim about these Cheerios that just got thrown on you yet again what we're not doing is installing in our children unconditional love basically whatever they're doing in those early early years 0er to2 where they can really make our lives very difficult and challenging with the food with the eating you know all sorts of things that they do and get up to that disrupts our lives and makes our lives really really challenging at at times are we if we would understand that really that's our opportunity to give our kids unconditional love that's a time to program them that they're safe with us on the contrary if we would understand that every time they do something that really impacts our lives and can make our life difficult or harder or frustrating if we were able to understand that that's the very moment when we work through that problem in a loving and kind way where we always make sure our children feel unconditionally loved like you know I always give the example if you painted the living room finally the living room got painted and suddenly you're in the kitchen and you hear cus and Brock and you hear something going on in the living room and you discover that the freshly painted wall is now decorated by your 18-month-old toddler who got hold of a magic marker and started drawing pictures on this freshly painted wall we could either get angry and frustrated who left the marker you know screaming and yelling and running around the house trying to find out who left out the marker and you can't do that and look what happened and all angry and frustrated or we take out the camera and we take pictures of it which I always say is very good for the Chev rers later on for the same child and we'll all have a good laugh about it but if we would understand it's an opportunity of course we should take the marker away and of course we should try and explain to the child you know it's not okay but the child's not bad they did nothing really wrong they're not a bad child and what we have to communicate to the child at that moment is is cute it's funny okay it happened but our affect our mood our emotions is always one of Love is always showing the child that whatever you did don't want you're zero to two you have no control we understand that and therefore everything you do that may make our lives difficult challenge Our lives our response to you that the child feels from our facial expression our body language from the things we say and how we react is completely loving whatever we do is is that is that clear does that make sense yes very clear wait wait wait wait Russell the way you say it is amazing I'm sitting here and um I'm relaxed and you're putting it down but in a way I'm thinking this is like sounds like Mal like when this happens either people have a balance sometimes depends on Father's Day the picture that the the girl takes the knife and writes I love you Daddy on the car yeah exactly on the brand new on a brand new car look if it's again we're talking about let me make a couple of caveat that's why I said we have to go slow without understanding this it's just not going to work first of all no one does this properly all the time it's impossible we're all we're not mal we're human beings but if overall if overall most of what we do conforms with what I'm saying your child will feel unconditionally loved of course they will does that make sense see it's okay to be human it's okay to sometimes thank you please listen do this keep pushing back when I do this because what I'm describing is idealized and obviously we understand there's no human being ever did it perfectly or properly and it's not necessary but if the kid overall your child feels that that's really your response more or less and even if your initial response is ah you know because you see you're a human being of course you're going ah like people write me letters it's amazing where they actually send me pictures of their walls covered with crayon or other things and they took the photo with them smiling in the picture with their toddler for the later on for the Chev brers because they got the point you know the more and more we practice this Behavior that's really what it is you know we're not mal we're not expected to be Ro robot and we are going to have the initial when you get covered with Cheerios and milk you're going to ah you know you're going to react but if after that you can start laughing what you're if we would understand what how you're programming neural Pathways in your child's brain for success and happiness in life for feeling unconditionally loved at that moment you would wish they would throw Cheerios and milk on you I just need sorry I need makes again I'm getting a lot of questions people texting and What's happen all the questions you're writing are amazing questions and they're crisis specific questions tonight's program we're starting off with first understanding first even going before crisis talking about regular so once we understand what a regular children how we develop healthy children then we can start getting into the crisis understanding what it is then we can get into specific question so anything that Rabbi Russell is talking about tonight talking about now when the child mark on the worldall a young love attachment if you have questions on that we want to discuss that're not discussing anything about the 13-year-old boy if I can say like this oer take any question any questions that are asking for clarification of what I'm saying now I think those questions are really important because it's important that people understand what I'm saying if they want to say well okay very nice I got the Cheerios but what do I do with my 15-year-old who's not going to school right now we have to get there that's going to take us time I would love to walk us through this in a way that where they won't have that question by the time we get there because the answer will seem so obvious does that make sense right that if if we do that then by me it's worth every every moment of my time getting up at 4 a.m. as I did this morning to be here is so worth this whole thing if we can get people slowly and patiently to a place where you'll understand the question about what to do with your 15-year-old it'll be pretty obvious what to do by then if we can walk this through however if there's a question of clarification you know I I don't understand what you're saying could you explain this more or that more then of course we should take those questions does that make sense look okay so let me continue look as you can see I'm pretty passionate about this and there's a reason for it unconditional love if what we do when we have a brand new child baby zero Todo that baby's born with very few neural Pathways there's a there's a brain that's not developed most of it is undeveloped when it's born it has very very basic reflexes to eat and to process basically the food is eating and what to do with it the brain is undeveloped as we interact with our child we're actually in stalling neural Pathways in the brain of the child to expand its awareness of life and it begins to understand how life works and of course we we constantly do that all the way through life brain development doesn't finish until around 26 so there's constant movement as the brain is developing refining itself working on itself and understanding how to make connections between things and understand life when a child is born it understands almost nothing very very very very little indeed of what eventually that amazing brain it has will understand and we're developing neurop Pathways inside our brain especially the mother in her interaction with the child the father too but mostly in the early time early is the mother and installing inside the child neural Pathways what a braa for a child who was Z to have parents who did the unconditional love they did the laughing again we're human beings so when they do things that make us crazy like pouring churas on a head or a drawing on the painted wall you know or you have them on your lap on a long journey you're going to AA and you have your baby on your lap you know well maybe these days they sh aage but you know you had your baby on a lap somewhere else and when you take the baby off you suddenly discover they've leaked through their clothes onto youra outfit yeah those moments are very disturbing you know in that moment but if we were able to understand that in that very moment if we can react in a way that doesn't make the child feel you're bad you've done something wrong and we all laugh about it and as much as as we possibly can it's a concept we conceptually we take the pictures for chevas because we laugh we turn it into a funny moment and a in a warm loving moment I believe if we would understand the Neuroscience of what we're installing in our child's brain in terms of of it feeling unconditionally loved by us the parents if we would understand that we would wish they would do more things to make our lives difficult in order that we could have that reaction that would then install inside their developing young brain the belief that we are safe loving and caring for them and they can trust us because it's in those early years that we're really installing basically that and nothing else okay so we got that clear it's so profound this nuda because this nuda is needed later on in life when frequently parents will turn around looking at their own teenagers and they'll be very clear they'll tell me privately you know it's like I don't feel I really love my child anymore I'm so angry with him the whole time I can't reach the love well if you can't reach it imagine what your child is feeling imagine how painful that is for your child not to feel that love it is so crucial that we begin if we can and again we're human beings we do the best we can if overall more or less we've been doing this then we're doing a great job now I want to tell you if I can if I can go on and I know not take any clarification questions on this something people just want to understand like I mean there's questions like they they're saying you know people are texting you know when you it's cute with this but if you keep on laughing with your kid and making this you reinforcing the bad behaviors so it's not it's a misunderstanding of course you're going to teach them that you can't do this and teach them you can do that it's not all hefel that's R anger yeah it's the anger it's what I'm trying to says as you then go to teach them no we don't do this with the marker or you know teach them how to hold this spoon or not tip the Cheerios on you you talk to them you talk to them from a perspective of love that's all I'm saying of course we teach them what's right and wrong of course we have to you know the they shouldn't misunderstand I'm saying just laughter love and hefa that's ridiculous what I am saying is in this generation it's crucial that as we teach them what's right and wrong we teach it to them in a way that's loving that they don't have any sopic at all that I'm here for you I'm your parent and I love you that's really the eor okay make sense thank you for that please keep throwing the clarification back otherwise this will be misunderstood and I'm I'm what people are saying take it what you want it's not everything I whatever just somebody writes like they know what their child with the 0 to two 0 to three they they weren't emotionally there for them like they want to try to figure out how to prepare that yeah so that will come excellent EXC that's very so let me see make it more concrete so we understand why it's important the reason it's important espe again we given we have a Han a principle that we're all agreeing on that the nature of the world and children has changed from what it was 40 50 years ago therefore when they do these things wrong always in the past and present we have to teach them right from wrong we have to condition their behavior in a healthy way the only shift I've said so far is in the old days that was done with withdrawing love and showing you know upsetness frustration in this generation we're going to do it by showing love lots of love withdrawing the frustration while we teach them what's right and wrong what's good and bad so that as we're doing it and we're instructing them about Behavior we're doing it in a way they can receive it in a loving way why is this important you said old logic can I just play an example so it'll be more clear so when the child who's 2 three years old was coloring on the wall you could laugh about it give him a hug and smile then you can sit down with him and have a a very you must you must doesn't mean you give him a smile and you buy him a cookie and everything's good and doesn't mean you with and give him a smack and start screaming about the marker you give you laugh about it you make him not feel embarrassed about it and with him in your calm self say listen no because I I you're saying the I want to talk like example no no this is exactly listen like I said to you this one thing I've said so far is the subject for time could be the whole night just had to get this claw and and I know that starting to share now we should be finished by 2027 all I can tell you is we can do this properly or we shouldn't do it at all also there's a saying by the game of fellow you know the fellow the black and the white pieces yeah takes a minute to learn and a lifetime to master I'll tell you another way they also say the wise people a little knowledge can be very damaging a little knowledge not to understand the whole suia but have a little bit of it can be very dangerous and damaging that's why I think it's so important give me the Fe you know please push back in terms of clarification because it's important of course my whole principle is that we have to teach our children right from wrong and we have to do it in a way that they understand it but in this world we're living in we have to be very very careful to make sure we do it through a loving sense of self so it's consistent with the chevara and we bring up a child who feels happy and healthy and capable of self- Lov and loving others and then we don't turn them off they won't take the same angry response that we used to do with drawing love and showing frustration they just think we don't like them so I want to show you why this is so crucial it's so crucial because of the next step of formative parenting which begins around two which is about limit setting see up until 2 we really not setting limits very much on our children they they don't have much option to do very much we're more or less in control of them but from Two and on they start exploring the world they're walking around they're doing things and and we are constantly actually for the next two to about I don't know Bar Mitzvah age somewhere around there we are constantly setting limits we're setting limits on what they can do and what they can't do and and the rest of it is all easy we're just teaching them about life it's all very natural the conflict the the dissonance the the challenge of parenting occurs in the limit setting because until as long as you're not setting limits on your kids everything's more clarity is this something that both the father and the mother are going with this or this the mother the softer one the Father the B how did that father both absolutely they need they need from both parents this and and again I'm going to show you why given the generation and world we live in today if you did the unconditional love if we was to do it properly in the 0 to2 where when we push back on their behavior we show them we we of course teach them what's right and wrong but we always did it in a loving way then when we come to the second stage of parenting which is limit setting because we're always setting limits there's limits on eating there's limits on bedtime there's limits on brushing your teeth you have to do this you can't do that we as parents basically from Two and on we're constantly informing and instructing and teaching our kids what they can do and what they can't do maybe we teaching them more about what they can't do but what they can't do and what they can do we're constantly constantly setting limits on their behavior bedtime limits you know getting up in the morning limits there's always limits we're setting on what they want to do and we're influencing them to do what we know as parents they need to do should be doing and have to do to grow up as a functioning healthy adult that's the section of limit setting now imagine the difference in a child who from 0 to two was to experience life from their parents that when anything went wrong of course their parents told them you know and taught them what's right and wrong because that's an obligation of the parents but they did it with unconditional love where the children have been installed in their brains that my parents are unconditionally loving of me then when the parents set those limits on the children's lives the children absorb and process the limit setting as a continuation and extension of my parents love me and want the best for me in other words once we've instored that sense of unconditional love in our child it's so so crucial for the next stage the limit setting stage because in that stage they now experience and embrace the limit setting and not sure it's conscious but in an unconscious way they're experiencing it from parents who love me this liit limit setting must be good for me because my parents Unconditionally Love Me whereas if we unfortunately weren't we didn't do enough work on the unconditional love in the first stage and when suddenly we do limit setting why are you setting limits on me I'll go back to what I said before nobody likes to be told what to do nobody so when we're telling our kids what to do internally they're experiencing is you're trying to limit my happiness in life my fun in life they're not experiencing it through the prism of my parents Unconditionally Love Me it must be that these limits they're setting on me are good for me that's really what we're trying to achieve so when we did the Z to two properly it naturally flows into the next stage of limit setting where unconsciously the children experience as painful as it is to set limits on them because they don't like having limits set upon them as painful as that is unconsciously they're experiencing that limit setting as a gift from my parents who love me and want the best for me is that making sense yes how's the reacting to this any comments any any concern that is not clear it's very clear I think people understand from zero to let's just repeat that unconditional love right no matter what they do basically and then from the the three and up what time to go to sleep home homework you got to do this you got to do that bath you're constantly guiding them nonstop nonstop years and years and years we said listen I always I say about sh is coming up you know we say that we all know that clol got two one for Nas one for nishma right they go two so I've often wondered what do they get two for if you get one for Nas because NASA is hard you know you're being told I'm going to go I don't understand but I accept hasm wants me to do it must be good so I accept it now I'm going to do it without any understanding of it I'm going to do it so hasem gives us a crown that makes a lot of sense but if you're anyway doing it anyway doing the Mitzvah what do you need a crown for nishma for why would you get a crown for nishma I'm already doing it anyway I trust your Hashem so you gave me a crown for Nas because I'm doing what you want me to do why would Hashem give a crown for nishma too I think the answer is that when you do nishma you're learning the T that makes you to do it then now you have to do it and nobody likes being told what to do so voluntarily learning that I have to do it I'm to do it you get a crown from that that that also you deserve a crown meaning like this nobody ever likes to be told what to do and as we set limits especially in this day and age on our children which is basically most of our parenting from two till Mitzvah maybe older is always and even into the teenagers with some limitation on setting limits you know we we're constantly doing it throughout our children's lives we want our children to experience unconsciously through the program we installed inside their brain the the neural development started with unconditional love so that we hope that they will experience and embrace our limit setting as also from unconditional love and therefore not rebel against us this is normative what normative parenting looks like all that takes us then to the third stage of parenting which is guidance when we guide our kids they come to us because we've been nonstop all their lives showing them that my interest is you I'm here for you I'm here to help you learn how to grow up and be a healthy human being and even when I set limits on your behavior and told you what you can do and told you what you can do I did it all through the window in the prism of unconditional love to make sure that my child knows this was for you wasn't about my convenience wasn't about me having an easier home that my home and my shabas table and my life it was about me helping you grow up as a healthy human being when they when we were successful in doing that especially in setting the limits so then our children will turn to us for guidance later in life we are the people they come to and they want to know what Jiva to go to which school to go to and which uh which sh to get and which um which job to get you know and all sorts of questions about life they'll turn to us looking to us for guidance that will be their interest because that's how the system works it starts with this Foundation of unconditional love which of course continues throughout the childhood I feel like that that shift limit setting to guidance is where us as parents have a very difficult time engaging and turning that because we get so in that mode of don't do yeah do I'm warning you you better not you better not and and and we're doing it right until that change happens and I we don't ourselves realize when it's it could happen the age of 12 it could happen the age of 14 of course you don't know there's no age people texting what there there's no age it's when a child reaches a certain point if you want to discuss what that point is it's hard to know so I always said the limit setting in terms of the concept in our brain is sort of to to around by Mitzvah Mitzvah is is the primary focus in this day and age from Around Bar Mitzvah Mitzvah and up they begin to we want them to turn to us for guidance they're living in a challenging World there are all sorts of challenges and difficulties that they're going to be facing through their teenage years and then up into young adult life we would love them to turn to us and trust us that we should guide them through this and that we can help them with this so if this if we've done again what I'm talking about is an idealized system I don't know that anyone ever did it 100% perfectly but you know what the more we move towards it and the more you know we do it properly the more likely our children will turn to us for guidance and when it comes to technology and it comes to all sorts of the other nist that they inevitably confronted with and will face they look at us you know why they look at us for guidance because we've programmed consciously deliberately and thoughtfully we programmed into their nervous system unconditional love that my guidance my limit setting everything everything I've been doing for you was actually about you and your life it was about your success in this world it wasn't about me see when we do the when we get frustrated or angry with them is a way of stopping them from Behavior or getting them to do something and we do it through frustration or anger we run the risk in this generation of the children believing or feeling that really my Prime Focus is me this was for me you're getting me mad you're making me upset and therefore I'm going to condition your behavior because you're making me upset so that's not a way a child absorbs and understands or will ever turn to us for guidance if it's all about me in this generation again in previous generations it worked very differently and that was true and the children did want the parental love and respect and therefore would control and conform their behavior in order to get their parents to love them so withdrawing love and showing frustration worked but if we do that in this generation all the children conclude is that I'm an inconvenience to my parent and that my parents trying to get me to behave because I'm frustrating their life it's not about me and my development whereas really ideally what I want to communicate to my child is shaa I'm here for you you know I can handle this it's not the end of the world for me I'm a mature adult but I'm concerned about you I'm concerned about your development your behavior and therefore that's why I'm pushing back on setting limits on you because I want you to grow up as a healthy human being and I have a job as a parent to stand up to you I have a job as a parent to be a parent and to tell you what's right and wrong or what's good and bad that's my job but if I do that in a way where the child can unfortunately interpret that the reason I'm really doing it is because I'm frustrated because it's ruining my showers table because it's making my life bad because I'm embarrassed I'm embarrassed of your behavior I'm embarrassed when you walk out the house the way you look it's about me then that not only doesn't encourage our children to conform it actually makes them worse it makes them worse in this day and age is that clear is that I'm looking your face or I'm not sure are we getting it we're bringing in a big topic it's like really we're going to go into the next thing but that's not whatever the next thing is that I'm saying it's h it's huge I got it I know it's huge I mean let's be honest kids today the thing that really triggers them and makes things really spiral is when they and they say it many times is you're hypocrite you're not real you're not sincere of course when they they have like much stronger emotions to this type of stuff than back in the day like we when we growing up we saw somebody you know he did this okay but today if they see that a parent is not really so from or only cares about his coover that's when the kid wants to really stick it to the parent d double as much that's later on in life that's exactly what happens that's why you know as a thought been thinking about these things for the last few decades it occurred to me so clear in this day and age if we build from the bottom up the relationship of unconditional love daa I'm telling you thoughtful parents realize that the more your kids so to speak in the very very early years do things that are sort of a little bit defiant or probably challenging and like the Cheerios on your head or the drawing on the wall whatever they do they do these things and the parent responds of course to teach them right and wrong and to teach them that that's not okay somebody text a question I think it's very important to just clarify this a very good question how will such a child when they be confronted with not unconditional love with a teacher or a boss or a spouse how could they build a resilience they want to know if this is the Mal they can only deal with this so once somebody's going to mess with them then they're going to be weak no you see the thing is like this what we're actually seeing is is the opposite is they turn to us for GU exactly on that we're teaching again we're doing normative first before we get into crisis so we can understand how it was meant to work but if we did this properly it actually creates resilience in the children because what they what they're able to learn from us is the right and wrong they're able to absorb what is right and wrong and they can hear it and they get the gorim of how to behave in life and then they turn to us for the guidance when they run into those challenges when they meet someone who's out there in the world who isn't doing this who doesn't treat them in a respectful and loving way they're far more likely to turn to us for support help and guidance and how to deal with it because we've already established a healthy relationship with them life is difficult that's exactly my point that they inevitably will face challenges conflicts and difficulties out there in the real world that we cannot control contr we cannot stop that's a fact of life but wouldn't it be marvelous if our children knew they can turn to us always for guidance to process how to deal with those problems and what to do with it IM imagine if we would do the opposite God forbid and say the world is this tough place out there I better toughen up my kids so they can deal with it all in a way that they then reject us God forbid not feel safe with us we'll be lost let me premake you tough so you get out there you're super tough yeah you're inside parents have tried it they see it doesn't work the only thing that really works is we guide our children through our towards a place in relationship with us where they trust us so deeply because they recognize that all the limit setting we were doing everything we were doing to try and condition their behavior in a healthy way to do what's right and not do what's wrong really really came from a place inside the kids experience it as coming to them from a place in us where we're doing the best for them to help them be healthy human beings such people by the way have phenomenal amazing social skills and those and social skills it turns out is probably the greatest attribute of all skills you need to do life Well turns out social skills is stop with social skills they can then work out how to deal with that toughness and that rebi or that I want to take back what I just said I was responding to what you said that they have a teacher or a re or someone who's tough on them if they they deal with someone else in the world it could be their boss a cooworker it could be a friend anyone who's tough on them doing it the way I'm describing it the children are far more likely to have EXT extremely high level social skills their emotional intelligence will be quite high and they're much more likely to be able to work out how to deal with it to deal with the real world and in addition to that not only have we put those good social skills into the kids but they're going to turn to us for guidance how to deal with it because they trust us people texting it doesn't mean that the parents the child will always be codependent on the parents advice the child will be healthy to deal with 95 situations themselves but if they're in a situation where it's beyond the capability they feel comfortable to go back to their parent to read through that specific thing exactly that's this is idealized parenting it creates the m in other words look all the studies all the studies university studies show that if you look at you know again I don't want get sidetracked in you know in these studies but the bottom line is that developing great social skills in children is probably the great greatest predictor of ultimate success in life for our children and what what I'm describing here helps develop those great social skills because doing unconditional love frees us to be able to do the limit setting in a healthy way when we get the push back we talk to them and they're interested in what we have to say because their experience of it is it's all about you shapeless it's not about me it's not about my convenience it's not about my house it's not about my home has to be a certain way it's my interest in helping you grow up to be a healthy human being so you can have a great life that's what I'm interested in and that's what my child absorbs so they have outstanding social skills if you do this properly and in addition to that when they get stuck with the conflicts of life where what you know their natural abilities they're not sure how to deal with they turn to us for that guidance it's not codependence it's the opposite it's good called good parenting extremely good parenting and if we do extremely good parenting we don't actually tell them what to do but we process with them what are your choices what do you think we pull it out of them and we help them work out what to do with the situation which nine times out of 10 they can work out themselves with our support and our help that's what idealized parenting looks like are we okay just I just want to add I just want to add that we're really discussing the core Foundation of every human being yes talking about let's say fresh start or I see a lot of people a lot of times it's it's very deep till it comes out what they're missing is the just the that that healthy sense of self correct correct that's once a person has that Poe Foundation that that you I heard it from you that you you know that feeling that when you can be in a room with a thousand people you don't feel lonely it's that deep feeling that a person has the connected and okay with himself with who he is no matter what's going on around him no matter what you know people are throwing at he's in a good place because he has that healthy sense of self that's right that's right this is the foundational this is is so profoundly foundational that when when the penny drops and you realize how important this is it converts the struggles and challenges you have with your children from a inconvenient problem to a fabulous opportunity to actually install in your children resilience to teach them that because you teach them right from wrong in a way that's unconditionally loving so that the child understands this is for your benefit this isn't about my convenience this isn't because I'm frustrated or embarrassed or ashamed of you it's because I want the best for you and when that happens a child can absorb it more naturally and you're boosting their self-esteem teaching them Brazilians it it's like everything is built here and and the why this is important why do I spend so much time when we the subject is crisis in because when I haven't by the way even finished with this yet I still got more to say about the foundation the building got a lot more to say about it but when you understand this well when we get to doing what went wrong and understanding exactly what went wrong with the kids the threw them off what we're actually doing in crisis which is so incredible it's so mindboggling is the all of the crisis Concepts that we're going to use later on when they teenagers are actually repairing the dam these things from their the damage from their childhood of not having had this basic Foundation we're going to repair that we it's all about yes it's all about going back I'm not kidding you it sounds crazy but the entire crisis package if I had to package it some way is about going back to recreating inside our children a the the MIT of which is to help our children feel healthy in body and mind happy capable of self-love and loving others the everything in Christ takes them back to that and that's exactly what we watch and what we see and we see these young adults now it could be it's going to take them till they're in their 30s or 40s till it completely fulfills itself and Blossoms out in its fullness but Christ leads to towards the repairing of all the damage where we actually help produce a child who's now a young adult actually not a young adult actually an adult bringing up their own kids and they've gone back to repair those roots where they're these healthy happy people and they don't feel lost in this world and their self is built and developed and they feel good about themselves that's really what you know that's why it's so important a to understand all this to prevent it all in the first place to try and help prevent it but also when it happens how do we repair it we Now understand a model of actually what we're doing why crisis works because it's all about repairing that early damage it's really incredible see when you do this early job properly I haven't really mentioned the word tonight yet but now I want to mention the word attachment because without mentioning that word you know we're just not going to have the Su bashus it just it's like you know people people like everyone knows I'm going to talk about attachment I actually made a decision something like eight or nine years ago that I felt when I started speaking more publicly that the the anchor that probably I can convey these messages best that I'd simply learned through my career working those 35 years I'm doing the work now but working with you know hurt people really hurt people what I recognized at the core of recovery is attachment and that attachment that reconnection both to parents well actually to yourself first then to your parents your family of origin when you can and then T in that order in that order and that order is M it's very very important it's such a painful struggle for parents to understand it has to be in that order and I can tell you I've been to many many who I discussed this with over the years you know so there was no misunderstanding we don't like don't care about Mitzvah and look away from Mitzvah if a child is ever going to re-embrace if that's going to be their choice that's going to be their choice they will decide yes or no but they're far more likely to be able to address that issue to decide if they want to or not if they've reattached to themselves first and reattached to their parents so we put it in that order first reattach to yourself become a healthy person within yourself then to your parents and then we'll come to country but we're running ahead you know I just it just you know let's just recap this little part I'm going to recap it is that okay and then we'll go to the next part of healthy yes that you recap while I get some more water I'm sorry okay make sure I'm doing right what happens if I say wrong I'm listening I'm hearing you I'm listening don't worry basically Russell said in the normal formative Health development there's three stages the zero to two with the child gets unconditional love that you're always there for them no matter what they do no matter how much they cry and that attachment gives them the love internally that from the ages of three to let's say hypothetically 12 to 14 they get the limit so they feel that embodiment internal love so that when you tell them go to sleep at a certain time do your homework at a certain time and you BAS basically you're doing like 90% I don't know a big percentage of that that stage you're doing a limit setting they have that strength and then whenever that time is 12 13 14 16 where the child goes from limit setting to guidance they they have that connection and they have that connection with so that from there going forward else right to the till your 90 they come to you for guidance there's no limit to that that's the healthy form of healthy that's that's what I understood very good EXC excellent okay so let's let's see if we can take it further okay any draer like this any conversation like this has to now examine the subject of attachment now I don't want to go into Balby and all the different aspects of attachment that's not n right now let's just do one simple thing secure attachment with your parents being connected to your parents in a secure way is probably the greatest predictor of ultimate success in life of being resilient to all of life's problems and you yourself maximizing your potential being able to work on your own Midas grow up be a healthy productive human being having secure attachment is probably the essence the foundation and the principle beyond all that predicts all the falling happening now let's see if we can examine you know if we can how this happens so I talk about this and I guess we should do this you know just so relatively quickly but clearly through the prism of the four s's of attachment right am I right that I I don't know any other way to do it but just really briefly that we look at this and understand how we develop healthy attachment for our purposes healthy secure attachment with our parents is everything we've been describing till now so that we trust our parents we believe a child believes that what my parents are really trying to do for me is in my best interest it's not about them it's not about my parents' ego it's not about them being embarrassed or them being ashamed or them needing the it's about my parents I really embraced and experienced my parents is bringing me up trying to help me maximize the very best for me that's what we we've done until now but now it goes much much much deeper because it goes deeper about life itself about how we live in this world and we can cope with all the challenges difficulties struggles and problems of this world as by developing this deep attachment with our children which helps our children become resilient to the problems of life when we do them properly and we describe these through the four S's and just very very quickly we'll review what they are they are if you read my book you'll see they're in there I didn't invent this you know taken this from others but this wasn't myish here but I'm just exploring it and and using it because I think it's such a marvelous marvelous model of safe secure scen suit the first is we have to make sure our children feel safe that goes back also to the parenting that when we're setting limits on them like in the old days I said we withdrew love and we showed frustration or we gave the SP patch we have to reconsider that when we're doing the normative parenting things we do it in a way where our children feel safe with us we're not you know like going into a fury of anger where we frighten our children into Behavior we have to make sure they're safe in our home they feel safe in life and it includes an awful lot of things about you know uh not driving in a way that's unsafe and making sure you know the doors and the windows are locked at home those kind of things but it really goes to the heart of parenting where we create a relationship with our children where when we push back and when we stop them and when we interfere with their behavior we do it in a way they feel safe with us we don't frighten them into Behavior we definitely stand up to them we definitely stop them we definitely try to influence them and we can't just allow them to do whatever they want to do that's Anarchy that's destructive that's crazy but when we do it we do it in a way that our children always feel safe with us they don't feel frightened of us you know the world we grew up in in the world we grew up in they did apparent a parent feel that that the parent is going to snap on them or hit them or do something embarrassing that that they're they're feared into right you can't frighten them in in in the world we grew up in that was normal to get hit to get caned it was normal that world has changed and although of course there are some children who will do just fine with that even in this day and age what's clear as day to almost anyone is that most children won't and if most children won't unless you're some genius un and you could tell me how you know it unless you're some genius Insight that you know of four years old which one your kid is is he the kid that can handle it or the child that can't then we simply have to you know ER on the side of safety for ourselves and make sure that we're very very careful that we don't use fear frightening our children into correct Behavior because they're scared of us where they're really and again I don't mean while tonight I get you know upset and I send them to bed and I'm tough and they go to bed you know they're frustrated and you know they don't want to go to bed and a strong father stood up to them I'm not talking about that I'm talking about where you really frighten them where they really feel unsafe with us they're hiding in their closets yeah and that includes things by the way safety includes things like you know when they're older I mean there's so many I can give a whole hour long just on safety you know obviously we we can't do that the context of tonight but it goes from that kind of thing where they're hiding in the closets to the safety at the shabas table where a child can feel terribly unsafe because they are aware that any moment now someone's going to want to do my partial sheet and I really don't know the material and they feel they're going to be ridiculed laughed at embarrassed or ashamed it goes everything from the you know the Bedtime getting angry and scaring a k to e the shabas table with the par sheet where a kid is frightened to come because they or they say a spar I know kids who sat there they told me they were scared to open their mouth sorry for interrupting but I feel like getting too many texts that they all saying the same thing people keep on writing I feel like I messed up I feel like I didn't give my kids when they were young yeah everybody's feeling the guilt let's clarify can I just clarify for everybody nobody ever did all of this properly can we will take a deep breath no one ever did this properly I'm I was said at the outset and if you joined later I'm going to say it again and we should continue saying it no one ever did this properly and perfectly what I'm describing is idealized what we're ideally looking for is doing it the best we can and and knowing what I'm saying tonight helps us know what it is I need to repair later on it's going to make sense when we talk about some of the crisis interventions and things we're going to do the penny is going to drop oh that's because of that you know I didn't the first 10 years was very aggressive with their kid and they didn't make them feel safe they're going to at the end of this series understand what the crisis will rep in that problem going to help them it's going to help them so much see and that's why I always say I don't want to do like tools do this do that it'll fix it they think when G was sugar you should do that you man won't make any sense to you if you don't understand this but when you understand all this what should have happened ideally well then when we do the crisis ideas and interventions it's going to go oh my gosh I'm repairing the attachment wow that now that makes sense and the good news is that what we've been working on you know myself with colleagues and friends and all sorts of us working on this for many many years is we begin to understand that later on you can repair this it can be repaired that's the good news but how can you repair it if you don't know what you're repairing if you don't know what you know how you inadvertently impacted your child you don't know what what you did as far as you're concerned you did what your your Zeta did and you remember your father did they whacked you so you whack your kids like you you did look I have one parent I just say this as an anecdote I want say one Chas said a very good word he was here two weeks ago said how much can we have against our parents you have to realize our parents and grandparents they did the where they were coming from extreme torturous do they were raised that way we have to be the he called it the cycle breaker that are changing that whole cycle but they didn't like that's that's what they had to do yeah of course and I'm not blaming there's no blame you know I don't do blame I just try and look at the problem and say what can we do about it I I everyone listening if a person is having that reaction that's marvelous what can I tell you then then you're recognizing okay I see it I can take responsibility you know I don't do accountability I leave that to Ron sh cuz everyone comes through their own journey and they have their own struggles no one deliberately doesn't do these things for their kids no one made a choice no I want to make sure my kids are miserable that never happened we're Adra people are loving caring people who want to have children and they cry when they're born they're so happy to have them and they want to do the best for them thing is in the challenging World we're living in if you're just going to copy what your parents did to you the world is changing so fast when you do that cut and paste chances are you're doing the wrong thing I had a a very wonderful person came to me recently he told me he had here and there the soil I was walking whatever was very interesting and this very very he said to me he said you know I know you talk about this can ask you a question said sure he tells me that he has a bunch of kids I forget how many but he went he told me that six or seven children or eight children I forget and and and all the first ones they're amazing and he told me how well they're doing and the mared and K you know everyone's doing great and this youngest one is just not doing well and it's crazy and blah blah blah you tell what do I do how why he he was seeking help but I noticed a comment he said and I said can I it was just a walking it wasn't a client I was just walking with him I said you know can I make a comment on something you just said and then you tell me if it makes sense to you he said yeah go ahead I said you just said these words he said I did this job and six of my seven of my kids they all turned out amazing he said and then he said I don't understand I did the same thing with the younger one the same thing like it doesn't make sense why don't he work and I said to him maybe that's the answer is your children need different things and if you cut and paste and you just have a sheet in and a cut and paste do what so for some kids it's going to work it's almost never going to work for all your kids if that child was different and need is in a different world grew up in a different environment in a different world and needs something different from you and I explained to him how it's the opposite of he had done the you know withdrawing love and showing the frustration and I said this younger one is not young he's probably in his 20s and and he just not doing well I said in this generation he needs the opposite like heed it was such a beautiful thing he understood you're right what he done is taken what I grew up with and then I do it on the Next Generation hope for the best what we're seeing with the young children today that doesn't work that that's not reliable we have to make sure the children like I said they feel connected to us that's what brought us to the attachment issue all this can be repaired and all of this is very very important as n when we teach the crisis Concepts later on then they will make sense oh that's why I'm doing it that's why it's going to work it'll come from within it'll come from with Russ can we do a Live question for a second well if if it's clarification yes is it is it clar we'll find out hi oh can you hear me okay so yeah this is clarification on the PA what like I I this story that you just said is exactly us all our kids barem rap my youngest son is 20 so we're much older parents and he's his own man we try to let him be but but it's hard like how do you repair like I feel like there could be much more attachment you know he'll give me roll his eyes and absolutely thank you thank you for the question and oan I understand why you put the question on makes perfect sense that um you know if you could be patient rather than me jumping to the end without building the structure that will make it make sense what I can say to you is that you've identified correctly that this younger child needed probably something different needed the connection didn't get it in the same way the older ones got it more naturally so now what you're going to have to do later on is focus on your connection with it and that doesn't that repair doesn't happen overnight but it happens if you keep focusing on your connection with it the chances are it's going to work but I I forgive me I don't I don't want to get into that now without getting sidetracked and if it's okay we can go back to Phil finishing at least for today one question I want them to understand that that's exactly what to do that is to really understand the foundation tonight sh should have been titled normal so you could understand what crisis is yeah okay I'm sorry I I I apologize but I I don't know any other way to do this properly than to do it right and and maybe next time we do the next one you can refer people back to this one and say if you're going to come on tonight then please listen to this other one first or it won't make sense right can we can we do that okay so listen this is Dan seagull's work this is not mine Dan SE you know was mad the four s's I took it and have adapted it into this work and I I just find it so so amazing in terms of how we create healthy attachment with our children idealized so idealized attachment we would do as I said first making them feel safe with us so we look at all aspects and parameters of our relationship with our child through these four words so do they feel safe I actually use it diagnostically when someone comes in for help you know a new client we will talk through the four s's because they will almost always identify which of the four s's were missing for them in their childhood so we can now focus on where the repair work is going to have to be the four SES will almost always when done properly and together create resilience and resilience means the power to bounce back the ability bounce back back and do well in life so the first one we said is safe secure is the next one secure meaning that they can rely on us they can rely on us they can rely on our home being a loving home they can rely on an environment free of of aggression and anger and frustration they can rely on they can be secure in the knowledge that our parenting is for their interest to help them be happy people they're secure about obvious things about life like the shabas table is going to be you know is I'm secure to sit there because I I feel confident I'm going to be treated well I'm secure that I'll get the right clothes in season sounds very similar very similar but it has it's also I'm secure about the knowledge that um like I said I'll get clothes in season or if I want to go to Camp it's not like this you know I don't know I don't know if we'll have money I don't know what's going you know let's see let's talk it out let's do it in a way that makes them feel secure that either that will happen or we'll work something else out but something is going to happen to take care of you we we want the children to feel secure in their relationship with us the and by the way one of the best ways to show that security is in the securing the knowledge of the caring of their parents for each other and their parents process life respectfully in front of them parents don't always agree with with each other and they may have a lot to work out together but at least in front of the children we get that the children could be secure in the love they expect to their parents and the respect the parents have for each other it goes on and on look in the book or learn more about the word secure but that's the second one seen is probably the one of the most important ones of all is where we have to bring up our children within the true framework of that V according to his way is more crucial in this generation than it's probably ever been before in the history of the world I've heard from great speakers I actually heard is the only Mitzvah that kind of changes it's the only Mitzvah every other Mitzvah has very you know clear parameters the parenting bringing up our children changes according to the generation that time in the child it's it's according to them it's always moving and changing so we always have to work out how to adjust to them that means seen seen means I notice the uniqueness of my child and I reflect it back to them it's not good enough I see it I not only do I see it but I actually share it with my child where they know I know so that I see what they're special what's unique what's special I see what's I see their struggles and I recognize the uniqueness of their struggles and I see their milers I see their strengths and I help them develop those strengths so I see their uniqueness it's not you know many of us I don't know we never it's never occurred to us so we had a bunch of kids and we we always thought of them as the kids you know like get get the kids in the car get the kids in the B get the kids to bed it's the kids it's this thing called the kids and we're just like shuffling our kids around like this big group and it it feels like they all need the same thing the truth is they're individuals they're unique and they actually need different things we have to learn to see our children for who they are that means see their strengths and help them build their unique strengths and see their weaknesses and struggles and help them overcover overcome their unique struggles and difficulties we have to whisper in their ear I used to you know try as hard as I could when my children were young to whisper in their ear Friday night give them a br and just Whispering there is something I saw special about them this week something unique something they did to show them I notice you because a lot of what happens with our children is they don't feel we know who they are like my parents don't know me they don't realize who I am and so that breaks the attachment all these three work together so safe secure see and the last one is soothed and soothed for our purposes means that as the children go through life they will hurt they'll get into trouble and they will hurt they'll hurt themselves physically and they'll hurt themselves emotionally now very often we're tempted to give a mus kid takes their bike before they can really ride it properly and they go and you know try to ride it they fall and they hurt themselves they break a finger and you got to go to the hospital to fix it and in the old days the first response to that was who told you to take the bike didn't I tell you I told you wait till tati comes home what are you doing you know we give them a whole mus first in in the old days that was normal in this day and age the very first response to whatever they did even and by the way especially when they caused it themselves the first response is soothe them make them feel soothed make them feel I feel bad for you it's hurting even if they you warn them about how they might get in trouble in school you know what the things they're doing that could cause problems in their life and you talk to them about it and you warn them and they don't listen and they get into trouble if you soothe your children first when they got into a problem they're far more likely to engage themselves and more likely to recognize that maybe I shouldn't have done this or I shouldn't have done that when they see they can rely on their parents to soothe them first to tune into them and then afterwards have a conversation about how did you get into this problem what was it that you did what could you have done to avoid getting hurt in the first place especially where they disobeyed you and did something wrong and got hurt in the process whether emotionally hurt or physically Al hurt like I said in the bike example they didn't listen and they you know they were using a peeler and you told them how to use it carefully and they didn't listen and I know what I'm doing so you don't have to tell me and then wow they just scraped their finger and they're crying the first thing you do is not so I told you didn't I tell you you know the first thing you do is you go sooe them you go take care of the problem after you've taken care of the problem you could discuss with them and very often you don't even need to because they'll turn to you and say you know I should have listened to you or you know I probably did it too hard but then you can talk to them about it afterwards in this day and age first you soothe and then we do the conversation about what of course you have to talk to them about what they did wrong but that's all afterwards first you Soo so what we found and I've done this very B kids but what we found is when you do safe secure scene and sooth together so you create attachment you create a relationship with your child where your child sees you the parent in a way where I trust you I'm connected to you I feel safe with you I feel secure with you I feel seen by you I feel soothed by you I you are the the the the the person I can rely on in life is my parent and the and the the the profound profound benefit of that for all later on your parenting as they get older and they get into real problems because little children little problems big children big problems you know we all know that and we all know the profound principle of older you get Bolder so the older you are the Bolder you are in doing whatever you want to do if we've created the healthy attachment they turn back to us for the help and support so all this goes together the shear is our primary focus is trying to help a child develop to be healthy happy you know capable of self- Lov loving others we then bring them up in a way with unconditional love where ideally again this is all idealized but they ideally experience our limit setting as we must and I can't say that loud enough if we don't set limits for our children then we create a disaster in our life we have to stand up to our children we have to be parents all this you know the liberal sounding stuff you know you read you know yes maybe later on for children who didn't get this stuff we're going to have to use very permissive and liberal mahim to bring them back but the idealized form of parenting is where we stand up to them and we create appropriate boundaries and rules and structure no I used to say rules structure and discipline like a concept one of my children a daughter of mine pointed out to me she was like really like harving in it she said t I think you got it wrong you respectfully very respectfully I think you got it wrong or would it not be structure rules and discipline not rule structure and discipline I had a conversation with her I realized she was dead right rule structure and discipline sounds like you know that's what we got to do with our kids but actually it's very very precise we create the structure through limit setting for our children to grow up healthy otherwise they can't they're just going to be vill they'll do whatever they want they have impulses they CH children they can't see the consequences of their behavior yet that's not possible they're children they have the brain development for it so first we create structure that's the limit setting is creating structure that's really all we have to do is create the structure what do we need rules for to communicate the structure to the children children because you can't sit down and have a philosophy discussion with your child about why you need structure they're three years old it's not going to work you can't have a conversation about it so how do we communicate to the children the structure they need we give them rules the purpose of the rules is only so that they can understand the structure of how we're trying to help them grow up in a healthy way that's the point of rules there's no mid put in rules otherwise rules is just to create the structure the problem is we as parents unwittingly Break The Rules ourselves we model breaking the rules I give a good example you say it's bedtime s we do this all the time we don't realize is kind of comical in a way it's you know you say 7 o' is bedtime 7:00 boom bedtime everyone's like all the kids to bed great what happens when you the parent get a very Ting the phone call at 5: to 7 and you're still on the phone till 10 7 and suddenly o it's 10 7 you go crazy what did you just tell your kids 7:00 is flexible and by the way we do this with everything everything we ever create rules for there's always flexibility because that's life life is like that you have no control so while you try your best to keep those rules unless you're some super super unhealthy disciplined person you know that's like such a robot if you're a real human being you discover pretty quick that these rules they're a little bit flexible because life happens and the kids pick that up and they notice that none of these rules are exact and refined so what do they do how do they find out if the rules are real they test them they push back against the rules is the only way little children can test whether these rules are important or not because they learn from us that we're not keeping our own rules so the point of rules is for the structure we then mess up the rules ourselves but so how do we communicate to the kids the rules are really important when they push back we have discipline so we do the discipline to inform the kids the rules were actually very important they then pick that up and keep the structure the point of rules and discipline is discipline is for the rules rules is for the structure the purpose is only structure there's no benefit in rules and discipline other than how it keeps the structure without the structure the whole thing falls apart and you can't have children growing up healthy unless we parents provide them with structure which means you know the the parameters of Life about what's right and wrong what you can do what you can do that's our job so if we do that in a healthy loving way where our Matan goal was only ever to bring up a healthy human being I had no other goal wasn't about my ego wasn't about me it was all about the kid I communicated somehow magnificently to my child that I'm here for you and so I'm doing the structure in such a loving way with passion and love and caring because I want you to grow up healthy so when I do the rules I even do the rules in a loving way I'm not angry with you I'm I love you I want you to be successful so I want you to have this structure so here's the rules shap so you understand the structure because I can't have a conversation about structure that I can't do with you so I give them rules they push back on the rules because we break the rules we then give discipline the kids the rules are important they do the structure but it's all in a loving way it's in a way where they believe it's about them not about me and that's the ideal idealized world of parenting that's how it's meant to work that's how it should work if we do that give me a few minutes here oer this is really really important and I'll set up with what I'm about to say I want to set up the next part two of Crisis is that okay I have all time in the world no I'm serious but anyone thought we could to do the whole sug tonight you know this this is the foundation on which understanding this I want to now tell you what happens when it doesn't work see even if you did this people have a caser my kids went off or I have one or two of my kids struggling I don't know I don't think I did such a crazy parenting you know when I look at my neighbors my friends when I look at my brother my brother-in-law my sister my sister-in-law I look at others I don't know they yell at their kids too like I don't get it you know I don't understand we weren't that much worse than them so that caser lies in the world amongst everyone because everybody knows someone else who probably did yell at their kids and did threaten their kids and they did all this stuff and they don't seem to have done such a great parenting and yet the kids will turn out these beautiful cookie cookie cutter kids like I don't get it what happened to me this is like it lies there in the world this kashion right so I want to address this K what I described tonight till now was in my opinion idealized parenting that no one ever did it'd have to be a Mal's Focus maybe there is one Mal I can't actually think of someone I don't want to say the name in Lakewood someone I know not me right not me m someone who just naturally I do know a few people who just naturally do this there are some amazing amongst us but the 99% of us didn't know this never understood this and were still we came from circumstances be that from our own childhood that actually prevented us doing it we actually did feel threatened by our kids we didn't realize it but actually we felt threatened by our own children there was Old Wounds we had that's what fresh thought is about that's really what we're trying to do fresh that's really why we even started Fresh D was because we recognize people have old Old Wounds actually there's a fantastic book I hope she doesn't mind that I mention it but um Dr kleitz and Lakewood Dr spur kwt is is writing a book that I believe is going to be foundational for all parents foundational so profound it's called post-traumatic parenting hope she doesn't mind the I'm mentioning it but it's just it's going to come out soon and it's about how to parent your children do all these things I described tonight where you yourself had your own previous childhood traumas or problems and struggles that got in the way how do you do it she's writing an amazing book on that a fresh start that's exactly what we tried to do and in what we're trying to teach through chis like I said say go online and watch the draw shows or come to the conference and come and learn about it because that's what we're trying to teach is to help understand when unfortunately you weren't able to do it properly and I'm going to explain what that means in a moment what do we do about it how do we remediate that how do we fix that problem but I want to address this one kha to start just and we'll finish with this I think for tonight or you know because it it doesn't make sense to move you know forward yet so the cash is this I did more or less good enough parenting in fact I believe that most parents I've ever met did more or less good enough parenting that means if you look at the bell curve of life you know 80% in social science will Define what's normative you know what's normal some better some worse you know it's a bell curve in the bell curve most people fit most people did normative parenting they they're normal people the healthy people I don't believe other than a tiny percentage of US did what I described tonight did all of that perfectly a tiny percentage made I think we all did components of what I describ tonight we did pieces of it we maybe didn't do it frequently enough consistently enough reliably enough maybe I hear that but we did more or less normative parenting and with more or less normative parenting you you bring up more or less normative children it's really important to understand that they will come out more or less okay and they'll go on their own journey in life but they will they'll be able to cooperate they'll go to school they'll dress more or less okay they'll behave they'll Embrace mitzah they'll do life they'll come out happy kids more or less because most people do more or less good in their parenting all that isn't good enough enough if your child goes through any form of trauma this is the painful truth we've come to understand you can do more or less good enough parenting but if your child experiences some form of trauma especially when parents almost never know about it or never know the impact of it even if they know about it but they don't understand the impact of it on their child in almost all cases where the child will react to the traumatic experiences they've had and again I repeat normative parenting more or less the child experiences some sort of trauma will react to that some sort of trauma the parents almost never know either what the trauma was they don't know it happened and or don't believe it's really traumatic and or don't understand that even if there appear to be no signs of it it's affected their child quite deeply and maybe will come out after puberty or a different stage of life will suddenly come out of nowhere lies dormant explodes in their face later on and then unprepared head they try to do regular to try now stabilize a child hold a child together who didn't get anything other than more or less good enough parenting had trauma regular won't work anymore and we lose the kids this is the challenge if we did idealized everything I described tonight idealized imperfectly which again maybe 1% of human beings do it's theoretically possible and I believe it's probably true that even with trauma the children will be resilient they would go back to their parents they will process with them that there' be the safety the environment of attachment quite likely where the trauma would be processed and much less likely to appear later on where the focus was idealized that maybe a tiny percent have most of us didn't do that then trauma struck we didn't even know it St we didn't understand what it was whether it was some form I don't want to go into the conversation for now but for next time perhaps this is where we should pick it up what exactly the trauma is that happens to our children whether it's a form of sexual trauma we know molestation is rampant we know that whether it's a form of learning trauma we know that's rampant too where children are not of the maturity level to be able to process properly what's happening and they end up with learning drama or they have what I call de facto learning dramas because problems and sorrow and issues of Life simply money Health all sorts of issues that surround them prevent them having an open mind to be able to learn so they can't it's not the fault of any re or schools not at all they come into the system unable to really learn properly and no one knows this no one really understands this in the early years when trauma strikes more or less good enough parenting isn't good enough worse still the trauma is sandwiched between more or less good enough parenting which isn't strong enough to remediate trauma and on the other side of the sandwich is the almost all parents were told and get advice that's wrong on what to do when the children start rebelling if you don't understand what the trauma is and you try to control them you know with toughness and strict discipline without understanding what has happened to them and why they're struggling then that actually makes the attachment worse and it puts them off because it's the wrong comes crisis later on and helps you understand oh when this system happened what should we be doing to help stabilize their lives and stay attached to them how do we do that that's really what crisis is all about when you've had more or less good enough par parenting which wasn't good enough for trauma trauma Happened One sort or another and I think that we should take a I think we should take the next one and examine what are the traumas and how do they affect the kids and more importantly why is it impossible it's not anyone's fault but why is it impossible to use normative models for someone who had more or less good enough parenting but it wasn't perfect and then had trauma normative parenting that that point is going to fail and be a mazik why is that true and I think that's what we should do on the next session if you want is to discuss what is the trauma that affects them but more importantly how does it affect the brain how does it affect the brain of the child so that we can Now understand why the normative attempts to straighten them out when they're 12 13 all almost always fail and the need crisis at that point or you're going to lose your kid why is that true I think that should be the next conversation even prior to getting to what we do we should do that next if that makes sense okay okay let's let's just let's just go to closing and let's just recap tonight is that okay RAB Russell we do that so we have a down pat sure let's just let me just why are you do listen do me a favor why don't you on do it instead and I'll tell you if you're right de okay let's go to the closing and then I'll uh you want do I could recap if you want but if you want to do start start so let's just go to the closing part okay again for everybody coming tonight also waking up four in the morning drank his tea his coffee he's up ready we heard the bir chirping he's there coming on as we said in the beginning of the program tonight tonight is a multiple series sounds like it's based on what we did this is like a 10 volume series I'm just letting you know so you will mark this as volum one but what we tried to do tonight is simply discuss what normal what the ideal parenting is that is going to teach us as we go through this thing what crisis is it all relates back to the regular parenting and I know a lot of people ask questions a lot of people want to submit questions again like we said we're going to get to every single question the goal rabber was wants to do if the person is going to listen to this one and all of them by the time he gets to the end will have 95% of the answers there'll be specific things they want to ask and this I have to understand also everybody has a specific story and even now I'm getting text my my 15 my 13 those are all very specific stories there's no way RAB Russell can answer thousands of questions on a program but if he gives the knowledge of understanding what it is most of the answers you'll have and again if you have a specific situation you can reach out to R you can go to Kashi anybody who does who's in this par or starting this par who might even think his kid has trauma or something come to I'll be there Russ will be there it's the week before sh it's literally coming up in I think two weeks R Russ yes yeah yeah two weeks come we it out we'll have a good time by the way the food's also very good separate note you know what's more important by the way if I can say about K one of the things people aside from the information that's invaluable is you're in a y of people who also have the same problem you're so not alone the support is just mindboggling you're in a community of fabulous wonderful people all struggling you know with this suia together and the power of the group is just I don't know I find it mindboggling the one thing that's mindblowing to me I've been there multiple times is that you have hard modern Orthodox some very very modern very religious and you have all different different parts of the world and it's such a whatever it's hard to explain it but again let's go to the closing again if anybody wants to join the whatsa pr to get the things text 732 314710 go to.com met next week June 2 we didn't confirm everything yet but we'll let you know what the program will be should be an amazing program everything will be recorded if anybody has any questions please email Coach manak gmail.com and if anybody wants to watch it watch from.com and tonight's share is 186 you can also listen to it on the phone launch tomorrow 73235 9011 and if anybody wants to be in contact with rabie Russell definitely do not call him unless you listen to all 10 programs then I'll give you his home address and his cell phone number you can call him every single I'm joking and it's the last time I come on this program but come to KI and you could meet re Russell and you could hear the Jes and it's very there's a tremendous over there anybody's in the but that that's for real and again thank you to all the advertising sponsor I'm going to go to the recap do you want do you want to say anything want me to say how do because I'm ready for the recap if you want to say something start start the recap and I'll I'll just add okay so I'll tell you what I what I what I what we learned it tonight so first of all what we discussed tonight is really normal parenting but Hashem created what we should try to do we discussed very clearly the goal of parenting is really three stages is the zero to two which is unconditional love which I understood it as basically the kid can cry the kid can make a dirty diaper the kid can make you dirty nobody screams at a one-year-old nobody right we we hug them we hold them they gives them the beautiful Bond of unconditional love that they feel internally inside and not going even get there's so many books of like so many things that parents that don't do it okay and then there's from three you know when the kid starts talking and going to sleep and going tomorrow where there's basically limit setting go to sleep on time take a bath don't do this don't touch that don't touch this don't that I hope most of that is really setting him up so you can't have a conversation with a four-year-old about what time should go to sleep because it's good for his healthy body so you actually have to enforce the rules almost like I'm going to say like a prison guard right so he could function so he could be a healthy human being and then it goes into the next stage which is really the goal of everybody is guidance and that could start at any age really we Russell said it's usually around puberty could be a little bit later could be you know there's no exact age and that's when the parenting really changes from the limit setting when you tell your kid oh it's 11 o'clock you got to go to sleep and he's like yeah I don't know what you're talking about so that when that starts happening it's guidance you say listen if you go to sleep on time you'll have k for tomorrow you'll be able to have this and that's when you turn into the gardens and that's the three ideal that's the three that's the three stages of parenting and then the ideal point of all the parenting if anybody's gone to K listen to any one of re shim Russ's rushes is the four 's again we'll repeat them very clearly because people kept on asking just to say it wasn't my invention this is Dan seagull I borrowed it from him and I use it but I found it was so helpful I you know as a personal parent I happen to think many times when I'm doing certain things with my kids like I see some my kids having a hard time and I'm trying to them like I'm thinking about that clearly because it's so clear it's very interesting if you get it yeah the four S is are safety safety means that they know that they're not in in danger from their parents they know they're not in danger for anything it means that they're in a safe environment they know the father's not going to run after them with a bat they know that they're not going to be publicly embarrassed in front of their friends so have this safety security is very similar to safety but I understand security means that more like the functionality of things are secure they go to Camp they go to school it's not that the Fall's going to beat them up but it's more that things are working in a very functional secure Manner and the third part is seen right the kid goes through a hard day the father gives them eye to eye contact they talk about their problems they see each other you see that kid is different from the other kid you you you you're valuing who he is as his own not oh I have 10 kids it's one to number number seven yeah number seven he is seen and he has that communication with you and the last part of is soo soo obviously has a maybe we do Zer it or two but the Su that we're really referring to is when somebody's having a hard day you give them a hug they could feel like they could cry to you you could be vulnerable them and they could just really release their frustration instead of punching a wall they could go to their parent and have be the field of smoothness and this is the ideal parenting that we all try to do and I've also really wrapped it up by saying probably most parents fall into the ga of doing most of these things 70 80% of the time nobody here is perfect scrammed a kid once and definitely when a kid you know scribbled the name on the wall or know or you know bit something we try but this is what we try to do but if we could try to have in mind to realize that we don't you know we we want this is what we this is the goal of what we want to do so if we do 78% of it we're very proud of it and that's good and then where we left off is we're really going to start off next time is that even if we did everything 95% even 100% there's another factor that comes into these children and it comes into life it's something called trauma and the trauma is a very big word and RAB Russ will dissect this word and everybody will understand what we're talking about there's multiple different types of traumas and when the trauma strikes even though if we didn't do the healthy parenting how much severe effect trauma will have on an unhealthy child but even with a healthy child that were brought up in 80% of everything we discussed when that trauma hits then we get as parents lost because we're doing everything good we're you know guidance everything smooth the kid's going to SCH he's going to school he's functioning and all of a sudden these behaviors start so actually we start getting more into that I'm even regular more that you said not regular we actually get into more stronger more aggressive because the first reaction our kneejerk reaction is if I really G to scream at him now he's 15 he's stop going to SCH said you better go to SH now that's going to get him to go and that's when this whole para starts really exploding because it's like literally everything we built up in the the first 13 14 15 years works against us because we start ripping it apart so that's that's that's the recap that I understood in the short two hours we had very good very good excellent okay so next time we'll take it Mr within a month we got to do this yeah yeah because it can't be you know somebody said that El come back every night but the truth is really I don't want to come back every night because if everybody hear the share tonight you could listen to it a few times and other people before we sign out to other sh tell them to come on part two they have to listen to part one otherwise they're going to jump into trauma they but this is this ofis is regular right right right you go before you go I want to give you and um the recap was amazing good job I guess I get the I get the tal so hopefully picked it up and really what we're going to do till next time is to go out in the world and see where where these things come up all these ideas and the triggers and you say o I did do right didn't do right and again like we heard there's no blaming anybody and don't blame yourself don't be harsh on yourself there's no nobody's perfect we're just becoming aware what's going on my surroundings my kids myself and I think that's the most important even myself how do I feel about myself and how do I give it over to my kids and there's so many adults that have to find those four four um four 's just for themselves so that they can slowly give it over I can just I can just mention if anyone who wants more information I'm not looking just to plug my book but raising a loving family if you haven't read yet can I really it out I strongly recommend it has all these eitas you know I build these eitas in the book and people tell me it's been extremely extremely helpful for them so you could learn more about this in the book and on ky.org all the Dres are there or come to the conference okay everybody have a wonderful night but bruss have a wonderful morning and thank you anybody again if anybody's even 1% a gay like struggling or anything I'm going to say this very nicely got to be because like everything we're going to discuss even with urum it's still going to be a tip of the iceberg it's like again we could learn this in in a six hours and hopefully in all the but again it's just like I said it's it takes a lifetime to master it's not something that even if you understand all the cognitive and you get all the tips and all the Magic Buttons after all 10 hours and you get it it's still maybe you'll even get it you're very intellectual you'll get intellectually but it takes many many many hardships to get it in here and that's what caption actually helps more than all these logical speeches everybody have a wonderful night re Russell thank you again we love you you're the best thank you take care my be well byebye