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Understand Me, Don’t Fix Me - Creating Real Change for Children on The Spectrum #178
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Robert Bernstein & Nochum Monosov on Let's Get Real with Coach Menachem Sunday March 3, 2024, #178 Understand Me, Don’t Fix Me - Creating Real Change for Children on The Spectrum Rob Bernsteins Books: Uniquely Normal: Tapping The Reservoir of Normalcy To Treat Autism https://amzn.to/3P25NEM Uniquely Normal Manual: Using The Bernstein Cognitive Methods for Autism https://amzn.to/3TjAcko
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Transcript
Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
hi everybody Welcome to tonight's coach
manakan burnfield on this beautiful
Sunday night March 3rd thank you for
joining us tonight is sheer
178 again I want to thank everybody
coming on every week and we have a bunch
of amazing topics and speakers coming up
and thank you for telling people about
it and sending the emails around and the
whatsapps we appreciate it and tonight
is again we've had Rob and nakan before
to discuss this but we're going to go a
little bit deeper tonight on children
and even adults on on the Spectrum and
hopefully tonight's talk will be very
helpful for people now and hopefully
down the future if anybody wants to join
the WhatsApp communities you can just
WhatsApp me at 732
314710 and I'll send you the link to the
communities I'll also send the community
links in the emails and also in the in
the zoom chats you can also go to
mfl.com and sign up for the
website and um he sends out all the
emails all the replays and all the
important information that's going on in
the coach mam world so please join us
again for anybody who's watching in this
on YouTube later on click on the like
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time you upload a video to the kosam uh
platform you get to watch them and
hopefully we all grow together special
thank you to all the advertising sponsor
Lakewood for here at Lakewood Scoop La
AR 5 Central and KY Calin from jcn we
really appreciate promoting us again if
anybody's here the first time every
Sunday night at 9:30 on this Sumer this
Zoom ID we have different important
topics different therapists ranim
important people and we really try to
clarify
and go through some important things
that are happening M next week March
10th going to have deep discussion do be
Pinon supposed be on this Sunday but
something happened he pushed up to next
week and we still didn't confirm the
topic but he's very mystical and
hopefully it'll be something very
interesting so thank you for joining and
tonight we have the honor of having
again ra Bernstein together with no uh
man manof man man and uh we'll get into
their whole background and everything
soon first was start with to tonight
katria tonight share
178 and our CEO CFO and everything of
behind the share the one who started the
share will give us Thea and will say if
it's a gooda because he likes to hear if
it's good on or not let's go sheer
number
178 understand me don't fix me creating
real change for children on disection in
order to accomplish this feat it has to
be done in a clever way which leads us
up to tonight out 178
is smart Nation do things in a clever
way no what do you give that that was
was that on the spot I think that's very
good Rob he's good perfect I mean more
than
good okay I think he's too good for us
actually I have to agree with that okay
now we're going to turn over to the the
host the World Famous coach maak
burfield he's going to lay on he's going
to lay out the the the the map the map
tonight what we're trying to accomplish
what what are we all doing here tonight
coach bernfeld thank you thank you very
much I want to welcome everyone welcome
to another let's get real with coach
manim and bar we're doing tonight number
178 and we have with us Rob and we did
have them in the past and we're very
excited to continue the
conversation um like we always say it's
very hard to um
to finish you know to an hour an hour
and a half is not enough and we probably
won't have enough time tonight either
but we'll start we'll start the
conversation starting the conversation
is important so that people out there
that need it
and they can reach out to those who can
help
them so to understand a little
bit many
parents the first child second child
everything went well and they went to
school and behaved and everything is
amazing and then for some reason the
next child is very
frustrating the child is struggling in
school struggling social skills and
they're trying to figure out what the
child needs and they're trying to do
this do that the teacher tries this and
that he's in in class out of class the
principal and the parents just have to
go to work they don't have time
and it takes a lot of time when when you
get called down to the school once and
twice and they ask themselves why can't
this child just figure it out you know
like everybody
else and they just they just hope one
day things are going to work out
hopefully you know he'll get older he'll
get to understand but for some reason
they don't so talking talking about the
Spectrum I'm saying there is a huge
Spectrum talking about from high
functioning low
functioning it's
interesting which one is
easier sometimes for
parents when it's low functioning could
be easier even though you might think
it's you know there is a side to it
that's easy because it's very clear it's
clear that the child needs extra help
and they you have to figure out how to
how to do deal with the child but when
the when a child is high functioning in
a regular class a regular home and
everything is working out for some
reason there are small things that they
can't figure out sometimes it's much
harder so it's something that to think
about which one do you think is is
easier high functioning low functioning
I guess everybody would have a different
answer for that but but until they get
to the answer until they get to the
diagnosis which a lot of times we don't
want to hear it's too hard to hear until
we figure out what's going on with the
child there's a lot of
frustration and we heard heard last time
for those who remember for many just
being able to figure
out that they have
that you know the diagnosis make them
feel so much better because they can go
so many years trying to figure out why
they're
different why things are not working out
you know they have a hard time just
being around but once they figure out ah
you know finally I can figure out where
I am now again it's you know a lot of
people don't want to diagnose they do
which one is easier something to think
about and tonight we'll we'll discuss it
but when you have a child that's all
over the place runs in the
street no matter what you do so you
start punishments and this and that they
don't eat they don't
sleep they're crawling the walls and you
know you name it and you're trying to
figure out what am I doing wrong many
times parents blame themselves
that they have you know the parenting is
not good talk about the
grandparents you know they blame their
kids you know take care of this child
you know got to be a little stronger you
know put down your
foot and till till till they figure it
out that this child needs something
different they will not respond to our
regular to our regular parenting they
don't they don't respond the same way
and there's nothing wrong with you you
know you could have been the have you
know could have had with other kids you
had success but with this with this one
you don't so it does take
that being able to slow down and to
understand like we're going to discuss
tonight to understand the child what's
going on what does he need and tonight
we have with us the big
ones Rob and they work together trying
to help all of all of those who
need and we'll try to understand a
little bit this child and before we go I
just want to mention understanding the
child understand me don't fix me he not
only for autistic children I think it's
for everyone you know when this when
you're trying to parent many times we
forget it's we're constantly saying
don't do this don't do that do this do
this you know first understand the child
and more important let the child feel
understood the child should feel
somebody is there for him is parents
understand them he can talk they can
discuss things when they're in a bad
mood when they throw Tantrums regular
kids throw Tantrums yeah not you know
they all need to be felt and understood
so mitem we'll start the discussion ask
your questions and let's see where it
goes thank
you for that beautiful opening let's get
into it the title tonight is understand
me don't fix me creating real change for
children on the Spectrum we're going to
start off first with no is going to go
first no msed bcba no manof received his
master's degree in applied Behavior
Analysis University of Cincinnati 2019
as bcba certification 2020 also received
a New York state standard teaching
license 2015 since 2010 no Mano has
provided educational behavioral therapy
for children in adolescent Lakewood New
Jersey no has started real change ABA
therapy to provide ABA therapy
incorporating robs Bernstein's
Innovative approach
and will open it up
first okay thank you very much um first
of all coacher for you know inviting us
again on the
program um I you know the the message
that that we get is that this is um a
topic that's dear to you you're
passionate about it you know about you
know helping these you know children or
you know not just children
adults and you really wanted to bring
more awareness to this topic um so thank
you for bringing us
on um now last program we did rasher you
came up with this beautiful title
understanding the
misunderstood and I think this big this
title was a big inspiration for a lot of
what we're doing because we're sort of
doing that you know intuitively we want
to understand the kids want to really
help them but sort of this title really
opened them up opened up this idea that
this is like maybe one of the C things
that we need to do to help these help
these people we we really just need to
understand them um and you know as we're
working more in the field you know
working together talking to Rob working
more with kids with families you know
I'm seeing more and more that just
understanding the kid just understanding
his point of view understanding how he
views the world how he understands
things is the best way to really you
know help them really change
fundamentally and really grow
um so you know there's a story that
happens with me recently which is a big
inspiration for this program um you know
the lots of stories that that come up
but this specific story was
um you know I started working with a boy
and you know in a short period of time
this boy was really making a lot of
progress you know it started out seemed
like you know from the rebi that
he's he's just Reby doesn't feel like he
can do anything with him he just doesn't
respond to anything the rebi says he's
totally not cooperating and then in a
short period of time you know we worked
with him you know I worked with him part
myself part through as a therapist that
I was supervising that was working with
him every day and in a short period of
time you know the child was noticeably
changing and improving he's doing better
with friends his participation in class
did make some progress you know he's
coming home Happy the mother's reporting
that you know he's just happy when he
comes home he's not so upset said about
school and so we had a meeting um you
know meeting you know with the with the
school with the parents with the
teachers with the principal and during
this meeting the mother said something I
think is very profound she said all the
child needed was to be understood and
she felt that this you know the
therapist that's working with her kid
every day he really was able to
understand the kid and one of the thing
is the therapist himself actually went
through similar challenges when he was
growing up and he discussed it and he
says like he really gets the kid you
know he sort of could like feel like
he's in this kid shoes sitting in the
classroom and you know listening to how
the teachers you know the rees's
teaching and it's just not connecting to
how this child thinks how this child's
mind works and being able to understand
the kids's point of view and tune into
that that was already enough to just
make this fundamental change um and
really get the kid to really start
growing and improving in a meaningful
way um so you know a little bit more
details about this you know just to be
more
descriptive I'm going to change details
be you know but um we're gonna say that
this boy's name is schy schlim is in
fifth grade
and the rebby said that
schy he's he as if he's not in the class
he's sitting there he's as if he's not
in the class and you know he doesn't
participate he doesn't do anything he's
supposed to do he doesn't open his far
he doesn't listen to the
gumara you know he doesn't take any
tests and the rebi started you know
trying to tell him to do things and it
just like there's no response rebie said
okay this kid is not for me I don't deal
I can't deal with this kind of kid and
um so so one of the things that that I
try to focus on and you know one of the
things I'm learning from Rob is that you
know let's figure out what is schamy
what what gets him really excited what
gets schy really going right I want to
see like you know I'm going to just sit
down schamy I'll bring a bunch of you
know games or things to talk about and I
want to see what's that thing that's
going to really get me like spark that
you know that aliveness that excitement
like this is really life this is really
meaningful and using that we can sort of
figure out how we're going to help this
kid and I realized that schi you know I
like to do Woodworking and I saw schy
you know he loves things with building
loves things with Woodworking and I said
we're gonna work on you know making this
little um project this wood project
we're going to make a little box and
there's a elic lock on this box and you
swipe it with a card open up the
electronic lock the cover opens up and
schamy was absolutely fascinated by this
idea about this project and you know so
one of the things you know that that I
see is that you know things that are
visual things that you know he could
tangibly build and put together is so
much more meaningful so he's sitting in
a
classroom and the you know the Reb's
teaching gamar but there's not that much
visual there's not that much that he
could really you know hands on
incorporate it's just you know it's
reading it's words it's translation and
it's just totally not connecting with
him so just having somebody that you
know took him out of class for you know
some time every day spend time trying to
teach him and make the learning
something that he can really connect to
something he can really engage with um
you know we're going to talk we're going
to learn about things in in the paraa
about the mishkan you know building
things for the mishan we're GNA actually
let's figure out how we can actually
build them let's talk about you know
what are the things that you know that
the man is really made of and then when
it's real when it's alive that's
something that he really connects to now
I'm gonna have to really add something
that you coach maam said
that right why are we calling this title
for children on the Spectrum really this
should be for every child you know every
child that's
challenging this is really it's the same
thing we need to understand what this
child is going through how he learns how
he develops and then we can figure out
how to gear our education and our
teaching to address what he needs and um
you know figuring out maybe for some
kids you know just reading they can't
relate to we have to find something that
they could relate to and then they'll
start to really
learn
um now another point I wanted to mention
is that sometimes when you talking about
understanding the
child maybe the child says that nobody
understands and maybe we don't fully
understand the child so what does that
mean understand me well at least the our
approach should be we're we want to
understand you we're going to try to
understand you we're going to try our
best you know maybe we won't but at
least that's what we're trying for and
at least the child's going to get that
message that we're here to try to
understand him try to see what's going
on and if he senses that's our interest
and that's our approach instead of us
deciding for him what he should be doing
and what should should
be unless you know if we tell them oh
yeah we understand you that's that's not
understanding him understanding means
we're open and we're ready to accept you
know what the child has to say and and
we're going to you know respond to his
feedback
um so and then one more point that you
said coach M that's you know very
important is that there's a lot of
pressure societal pressure which sort of
is inter in with this you know this
pressure let's say from the grandparents
you know different kinds of pressure in
the family that like hey how could the
kid just be doing this all this kind of
stuff you got to put a stop to it you
know just put your foot down don't let
him get away with it and that sort of
and that makes it hard to you know
engage with the child understanding for
who he is and help him because we have
to somehow disregard understanding him
and just get him to do what he need him
to do and that's really one of the big
challenges that
that interfere with this with this
process and that's why I think that this
is a really really important topic and a
really important discussion um to
understand me and don't fix me don't
just try to fix me and change me and and
if we understand the child then he will
change and he will get fixed but not
because we're fixing him he he'll fix
himself okay thank
you okay beautiful turn it over to Rob
I'm going to read his bio and then uh
we'll give it over to Rob over
here Robert J Bernson has developed a
cognitive based approach more than 30
years starting with the H summer program
at park Seville New York he's he's seen
thousands of clients he speaks
internationally runs webinars and has a
podcast uniquely normal a Rob Bernstein
podcast Rob serves on the board of the
West chusta Arc Rob Bernstein has a
child and a brother on the autism
spectrum who are both highlighted among
the 27 stories and his award-winning
book uni uniquely normal tapping the the
reservoir of normal to treat autism his
latest book uniquely normal manual using
the bursting cognitive method for autism
it's an honor to have Mr Rob back with
us Rob open it up for us well it's a
real honor to be here thank you thank
you for inviting us again um a lot of
wonderful information has already been
said I think number one what Nim just
said about being engaged that's that's a
key and you can't emphasize that enough
and as we talk more um if you have a kid
who's bored and not connected to
school well there something wrong kid
should be enjoying she kid should be
liking school is that asking too much
they should be engaged you know and um
and that should be a primary especially
with kids who have learning problems if
these kids aren't and engaged they they
cut out they can't wait till they're old
enough to say you know Bye Mom bye dad I
want to be on my own and that's what
happens in in in the community they have
to be engaged they have to love what
they're doing love learning love love
the Jewish life and um and not feel that
they're tortured and why are they
torture because they're not understood
it comes back to that um I love what
both U uh Coachman Aram started with the
idea that it's if it's good for some of
these kids it's good for everyone I I
was observing a child in a classroom
there was a circle right and this kid
was right outside the circle and
afterwards I went to the teacher I said
you know the two kids who are sitting
you know in front of them could just
reach back and grab one hand and the
other per kid could reach back and grab
the other hand all of a sudden the
kids's in the circle the kids included
now this is a kid who wouldn't mind you
know holding hand some kids would mind
and the teacher said oh it's so simple
thank you you're making me a better
teacher a better teacher for everybody
so that's what we're talking about just
just good education good teaching good
learning um this idea of being
understood and not understood um coach
maram said something else that was I
thought really important
the kids often get blamed why aren't you
doing what you're supposed to be doing
so the kids are often getting blamed and
you know who else gets blamed the
parents the why why you know you how
come it's your fault I've been in the
schools for for 30 years and I know and
I know this firsthand that the teachers
in the school the first thing to be
blamed are the parents the kid comes in
it's it's always the parents fault and
the parents like they have they're
dealing with a thousand things it's not
the parents fault it's it's the
responsibility of the teachers in the
school to connect with the kid to
understand the kid if you connect and
understand the kid all of a sudden
there's I I'll give you example off the
top of my head
um the like being understood being
connected there was a behavior problem
this girl was just disconnected I said
this girl needs a personal relationship
with the teacher something
personal well what does that mean I I I
I thought about it and I went talked to
the teacher I said you know sometimes
you bring things from your car like
during lunch or something you take a
break you bring take this kid with you
take this kid with you and ask going to
help you bring something in from your
car that
connection was all the kid needed the
kid needed this special connection and
that's all the kid needed because I
understood what the kid needed I
understood what who she was what she
needed and it's the same thing with kids
in in in college they may need this
personal
connection I had a kid uh couldn't
relate to anything Shakespeare anything
but if she knew the times of Shakespeare
she was introduced to the to the
Elizabethan times then she could all all
of a sudden she connected to everything
it's it's understanding the kid
understanding what the kid needs in
order to make this
connection um so I wanted to give an
example of kind of the work or the
cognitive work that um that we we do
here I'm getting something um and that
is some people some teachers when they
need to understand the kid and look I
was trained like everybody else how do
you understand the kid's math you know
ability okay you give a kid a you know
up count to count to 10 all right the
kid could do it count to 20 the kid
can't do it okay now I know where where
the kid's level at now I understand the
kid you give him a test and you see oh
what level he's at okay now I understand
the
kid and just with the math example I had
kids coming in they count to 100 they
count to
120 from our point of view a cognitive
point of view what's important with
counting let's just take counting the
important thing with counting is the
idea behind counting now if I asking you
could look at you could write in the
chat if I ask you what is the
idea behind counting now I know you all
know the idea behind counting but if you
have to learn it and that's the point
some of these kids have to learn
what other kids learn naturally they
don't have to be taught it you didn't
have to be taught the idea of counting
now if I asked you what is the idea of
counting what would you say and I see
faces
thinking well you're thinking because
you never taught it you know it doesn't
come easy and natural to you like what's
the idea I did I did this in India in
front of 800 people two people had an
answer one was totally off so one person
out of 800 actually had a response what
is the idea of counting so I'm going to
I'm going to just keep talking because I
don't see any um anything on the idea of
counting to me and this is important is
that four when one two three four four
is one more than three right and three
is one less than
four if a kid doesn't understand that
and play with this I was going to say
trust trust me but I don't like that
expression play with this idea a lot of
our kids do not understand when they're
counting that oh four is one more than
three they don't get it so now we're
teaching them something
wrote right the counting and it's
literally
meaningless right because they don't
understand the idea behind it it's
meaningless so fine the teaching is
meaningless but something really and I
been studying John Dewey and it's re I
I'm convinced something very harmful is
happening because now the kid is
learning he's getting reinforced he's
getting rewarded oh now you count to 20
now you count to 30 so the kid is
learning that this is the
behavior that is good that he's rewarded
for meanwhile he doesn't
understand in terms of counting he
doesn't understand it at all it's
totally meaningless so now I'm going to
I'm something about me if I tell you
something that's not good or I don't
like something I'll always tell you what
to do about it otherwise what why why
should I say that so I'm gonna give you
is it okay for me to share a
secret uh coach manakum I don't want to
share all my secrets but okay all right
all right here okay I share okay um all
right so this is what you do all right
you play you have fun with this you have
four pennies right and you have could
count four pennies he could counted 100
one two three four how how many pennies
in my hand you close your hand four
pennies he got it four he gots it he
gets it four pennies right then what you
do with the hand close and you show them
you take one penny
away now how many do I have now if the
kid says open your
hand because only knows who how to do is
count right then well I I I use it as a
learning tool so I don't open my hand I
go all right I let's I have this
challenge for this kid you could do what
you want I don't care but the kid says
open your hand now you know it doesn't
have the concept of
counting because if he had the concept
of counting before you got four four one
away well it's three obviously the
number before four is three you took one
away it's
three right he should know that right
away it's amazing how many of our kids
don't know that and if they do know it
fine you give them another let's say
sticking with math something a little
harder the concept of addition and
subtraction the I have a great great I'm
not going to give it now I don't think
until unless I'll I'll I'll wait for
someone to ask for it a great
conceptual understanding of
multiplication which I guarantee will be
difficult for most of you guys because
it's it's because I've done it I've done
it with adults you know so I'm just
saying have have fun with this idea of I
think of it as a conceptual approach
when the kids's learning something
what's underlying the learning what's
underlying the behavior what's the ideas
that
underline virtually everything what's
the ideas that underly language I think
language comes from ideas
not watch this picture car watch this
boat who cares it comes from ideas it
comes from within so this idea of
meaningful
engagement understanding and I hate to
say this and
love because once you really understand
how a kid's mind works then it's then
it's a real Bond then you can answer any
question about the kid because you
understand you get the kid and a lot of
these kids have no one to really
understand them and then they feel
isolated and they feel socially isolated
and then it's a vicious circle of not
being connected to school having no
friends or very few friends which is
another topic that we should discuss so
I think that gives us an introduction of
kind of who I am where I'm coming from
and and uh thank you for the the coach
manakum for opening up a beautiful
introduction to this uh this this this
webinar now and and um I'm welcome to
you know go on with with whatever ARA
has in mind okay so we're gonna start
with four question poll everybody give
the answer you think it is and then we
will take live questions andbody wants
to ask Live question you have the gurus
over here in this para everything is
acceptable ask whatever question you
might have feel comfortable and let's
get into it okay four question poll here
we go let's see if it works this
week
okay one
second same problem as last time I don't
know I did a double okay do you believe
there's resources and support both for
with within the school and at home for
children with autism spectrum disorder
ASD there three options I I doubled one
because it's a problem yes there's more
than enough resources B yes there is
enough not that there's more than enough
it's just like it makes it or option
three no there's not enough second
question do you perceive ASD to be
greater challenge for children or for
adults there four options it's harder
for children harder for adults both
children and adults equally depends on
the individual
circumstances third question what do you
believe is the most effective approach
method to support and treat ASD ABA
therapy
right floor time development individual
therapists uh individual differences
cognitive approach teaching proper
thinking strategies a sensory OT
approach the fourth question what do you
believe is the most critical aspect in
supporting individuals with
autism what you believe is the most
critical aspect in supporting
individuals with autism spectrum whether
children or
adults a providing sensory
accommodations and interventions B
fostering and fostering social and
emotional development through
relationship based approaches or C
implementing structured behavioral
intervention such as
ABA those are the four questions a lot
of questions read them over and then
we'll vote on them and then we'll hear
the input from the the gurus over here
and again anybody wants to ask a Live
question please text us over
here
okay five more
seconds okay here we
go okay let's share the results with
everybody first
question um do you believe that there's
an adequate resources and both within
the school and at home for children with
with autism in the Spectrum just s
ASD 1% of people feel that there's more
than
enough 18% of people feel yes there's
enough and a whopping 81% feel there no
there's not enough resources Rob do you
agree
disagree yeah I can't argue with 81% I
think that people know people know what
there is out there I think Pary why
people say that there's not enough
because the ones that are there are not
really adequate it's not working you
know and then you have the illusion if
you have more if you have speech therapy
four times a week instead of two that
would make a difference
and see I would say it's the quality of
these connections with with with your
child um yes if there's some kind of OT
occupational therapy or physical therapy
okay that's a physical thing that that
is standard that's a standard kind of
thing but um but something like speech
um I'm a little more cautious about
because I'm wondering how the speech is
being taught you know we have to kind of
look at that and see if it's really
language and see if it's it's really
meaningful so um yeah there not enough
but I would qualify it in saying that
you want the right what I told the
parent the other day I said your kid
needs to connect with something it could
someone it could be a therapist any one
of these therapists that we're talking
about or could be somebody who works in
the
kitchen needs you know that's more
important that's more important than
having a half an hour of speech therapy
and not not being
effective I just want to add to that
that's really I think that's really um
um that's that's something that's really
really important um something that you
mentioned coach manum that teacher or
maybe oh sorry maybe Rob you said this
that the that teachers want something
what a teacher can do I'm sorry it was
you Rob what teachers can do is
something very simple like the teacher's
like there's so many struggles with this
kid and how could a teacher deal with
one kid to have a whole entire classroom
to deal with just making a connection
with the kid it could take you know two
minutes you know maybe there something
the kid really likes maybe he likes to
talk about you know outer space or coin
collecting the teacher could just you
know find something to engage with the
kid and really connect with the kid
spending a very short amount of time and
that can make such a big difference for
the kid so it's not necessarily the
quantity of how many specialized
classrooms and how many oneone teachers
and how many oneone hours of therapy
it's really the quality of the support
and of what we give for these
children let me give a can I give an
example of what you're saying in terms
of connecting and quality when I go into
a school I'm there I'm the first one
there and the last to leave I want to
see what happens at recess what happens
at lunch the social dynamics the whole
thing so this is a a girl who was going
from one class to another to her class
to Art and she took a long time longer
than anyone else just getting her things
together okay that's that makes sense
she has trouble doing that she comes
like three minutes late to art and she
sits okay she sits in the back we're
fine everyone's on the floor she sits in
the back fine and and and to at the very
end of then they they do their ma art
project at the very end of the class I
went over to the teacher I said what was
the idea of the
project and she said oh it was it was
potato stamping you know you know taking
a dye on potatoes and the idea was to
when you stamp at it part of that stamp
is outside the Border there's some word
for that the border of the paper and uh
I had no idea of course the kid had no
idea so why couldn't the teacher realize
that that kid was late I'm gonna have
some student explain the idea to the kid
or I'll take like said I'll take one
minute of my time and go to the even
though there 30 kids in the class go to
that kid who came in late who missed the
whole idea of the project it doesn't
take much to be sensitive to these kids
and to be aware what these kids need and
she's on the Spectrum and or or had
learning difficulties so she neither one
of us really had the wherewith all to
say hey hey could you please repeat the
first two minutes of the of the class
that I missed how do you know what you
missed and you should ask right and it's
it's really up to the adults in the room
to give these kids what they need in
order to be
successful okay let's go to the next one
um do you perceive autism the ASD to be
greater challenge for children or adults
11% of people say children 8% of people
adults 43% of people feel the equal
Challenge and 38% of people feel depends
on the individual circumstances robob
what's your 30 plus years
experience well I'll tell you something
that I learned from my friend W Lawson
who wrote WR about 25 books on the
Spectrum and he said something to me
that I I don't think people would
disagree when these autistic kids grow
up they become autistic
adults and that's and that's what we
have and it's when when the kid gets out
of school when certainly after 21 years
old the services right looking at drop
that's it there's very little between
very little and nothing and the parents
will confirm this uh for kids that are
out of the system they don't know what
where they sometimes they go to college
and they they graduate college but they
don't have the wherewithal to get a job
and be independent and live
independently right because it's whole
social dyamics I you could be like coach
manakum said you could be high
functioning but be severely socially
deficient if you want to call it that
you know and and just so then what
happens there so many kids and I mean
you know this 25 years old living with
the parents and that's
scary because now whose responsibility
is it to get this kid to work be
independent be happy have relationships
be married have a have a life an
independent life and like where's my
help there's there's nobody there and
you know it's you know the parents are
going to die some right it's it's like
it's like you know it's it's and it's a
total it's really an ignored population
the adults are are just systematically
the system ignores the adults on the
Spectrum and um and that's why you know
autism speech this was years ago5
Million Dollar on Research you know what
the research went for The Unborn the
causes of autism how about the
six-year-old kid who needs your help you
know there's almost no money going into
the adults because it's not it's not
sexy you know it's it's it's it's you
know it's it's not gaining that that
impact there's no funding there's it's
very it's a it's tragic it's really
tragic and more attention should be paid
with adults on the Spectrum or adults in
general yeah the next question is very
interesting because you have a really
split a four-way split what do you
believe is the most effective approach
to support ASD and obviously every case
varies there's no one answer but across
the board you have 23 29 27 22 ABA floor
time cognitive approach s sensory
sensory OT approach so it seems like
everybody's like split across the board
I don't know it's their personal
experiences what they think no Rob from
your experiences can you go through them
and tell
me if any of them are just a waste of
time
okay that's a it's a really good
question and and you know so I so I do
ABA therapy so you know obviously I'm
gonna say that you know ABA therapy is
effective and it works but push back on
you a lot of ABA therapy is I have a
family relative who does aba therapy she
came out of a seminary she took a
two-hour course and she sits with the
kids and plays with them so I'm I'm not
knocking it but it's not exactly right
so so it's so you know so really you
know know the best approach is really
you know you need some of you know
everything has something to offer all
the approaches do have something to
offer and you know the there's a lot of
push back on the behavioral approach
that focusing too much on just you know
what the kid is behaving what the kid is
doing so you're really ignoring any
understanding of the kid ignoring any
why he's acting up why he doesn't
participate in class why he's not
connecting with the class with his
friends so if you just focus on
behaviors and you're you're a purist
you're an ABA purist yes then that's
definitely a lot of um criticism and
people are finding a lot of difficulties
with the ABA
field but you know on the other hand if
you go too much the other way too much
floor time I just spoke to a you know a
bcba therapist she works she you know
she does you know she's involved in
floor time and she says sometimes she
sees these kids you know they don't try
to teach them the skills to develop
they're just trying to you know just
playing with them engaging engaging
engaging with them and never you know
directing them and teaching them to
learn things they need to learn and then
you're also limiting the kids
development so you do need to you know
sometimes focus on the behaviors and
getting the kid to change his
behaviors but at the same time we want
to get kids to change their behaviors
by understanding the kids point of view
and getting the kid to understand and
being on board with changing his
behavior what's really Rob what's the
difference between ABA and cognitive
approach is there a
difference there is it's n and day it's
a it's an incredible yes a vast
difference and um how about if I tell
you a story to illustrate it we love
your
stories the behavior approach by the way
is concerned with the behavior itself
right it's the most efficient way to
change Behavior we have this all the
time reinforcement and punishment is we
can't get away from it it's part of the
natural course of things so I'm not
against behaviorism per se but as a way
of of teaching these these kids if
you're only interested in the behavior
itself and you're ignoring what's
underneath the behavior I I'll give you
I'll distract myself and I'll give you a
a quick example the kid comes into class
and he's a little upset and the goal is
for the kid to sit down right and and do
his work so you give him a reinforce you
say oh you know come on sit you sit down
and you give him a Pandy or you give him
some reward or whatever and he sat down
and um and then I went to this is when I
was in college I went to my I had two
professors I went to this other
Professor I said isn't that a good way
of doing it and this humanist said wait
he's upset why don't you ask him you
know what's going on maybe his dog died
in the morning you know if his dog died
then like forget you know he's not going
to be paying attention to you all day he
needs he needs some help or some
counseling or to be alone or something
you have to ask him and I go back to the
behaviorist right we're going going back
and forth this is in college and he says
well if you do that to everybody you
never get to teach the
class then I went back to the you right
so you could see where I'm coming from
I'm coming from wait I want to know why
all right the rest of the class could
wait you know 20 20 seconds I want to
know what's going on with this kid and
um so that's the difference between a be
it's a behavioral mindset it's a
behavioral attitude it's it's a it's a
Phil philosophy of education I want the
kid to display this Behavior he sit now
in the beginning he didn't sit down now
he sits down every time he comes into
the class because he gets a reward and
after a while he doesn't even need to
rewards great checkbox good and I'm
saying wait
how about the kid himself how about his
you know so the kid learns that but how
about who understands the kid who
understands you know maybe maybe he
should sit down because he's really
interested in the work maybe oh my
God if I I can't say God forbid but you
know I'm I'm not qualified to say that
but I'm just saying uh you know so and
and the cognitive approach is you know
finding out what's going on under inde
the kid but I want to tell you can I
tell it do we have time for a
story um I think you ask more I think
you waste More Time by asking if we have
time for a story just say the
story you know you didn't have to say
that if you just let me tell the story
so uh H let's let's we have time for the
story so okay I bring this kid to a
restaurant it's good I'm thinking of it
I'm bringing this kid to a restaurant he
has like a boot on his foot like a cast
right there's a broken foot and I call
the owner over I mean they know me by
now right they and and the owner looks
at this kid and says whoa well you know
you know a couple of weeks ago I had the
same problem with my foot I didn't know
how to sleep I couldn't find the
comfortable place to the way to to
position myself on in the
bed how do you do it how do you how do
you figure out a way to sleep
comfortably now listen to this the kid
says
nothing now a behavioral approach what
most people would do would be what she's
talking to you answer her
question right so now how many people
here in the audience know people on this
spectrum who answer the question but not
answer it doesn't it makes no sense they
just answer and it doesn't make any
sense it does it's not relevant to the
question happens all the time because
they're to to answer the
question
and no I I didn't say that the kids
they're saying nothing what do I say and
this is but if this is a talk I would
wait for answers what do I say I say
nothing so the owner after what what 20
seconds walks away and then I say the
kid you know Stacy the owner she thinks
you're kind of
unfriendly and he
says what do you mean I didn't say
anything you see what I mean just what
nakam said it's from the kids's point of
view he didn't do anything
wrong that's where the learning takes
place the next 10 minutes with this kid
is what every single person here would
do well yeah I know well yeah you didn't
say anything but you have to be
considerate you have to be you know
cordial you have to you have to be civil
you know you you have to you know listen
to the person's asking you know you know
but you know he didn't know that
something that we all assume that every
in other words when you say and I'm sure
I'm right about this when you tell the
kid answer the question what you have in
your mind as an adult is that he's gonna
answer the question and he automatically
knows
why right he know that right if a kid
drops a pencil and someone else picks it
up what he say say thank you he'll say
thank you because you told him to say
thank you he doesn't really maybe not
really understand why you know that's so
I explain to him about that and then
what do I do I call Stacy over again and
and this is true I don't care if she
asked the same question I don't care I I
because I'm looking at the underlying
thing I want him to
respond appropriately I want them to be
civil I don't want her to ask the same
question because then I want I don't
want him to memorize something and
that's that's where the behavioral point
of that's where the ABA up that's where
the checklist comes I want him to say
what I think he should say you know and
and then he responds and then okay he
understood something about underlying
the nonb behavior in this case ignoring
her that he may have for the rest of his
life when someone talks to you and ask
you something you need to listen and
respond and not just say nothing because
that's what people do so that's a that's
a difference between the behavioral and
the and the cognitive approach and I
could go through each one of these if
you want I don't mind giving you
specifics about each one but I want to
add a specific example because this is
something that every you know everybody
could use some specific examples how to
use it um
[Music]
you know you come to see a kid and you
know the kid's supposed to say hi you
know you say hi to the kid no response
so you know he say you know instead of
giving the kid a lecture hey you're
supposed to say hi to people when they
say hi to you which would be the
behavioral approach instead we want to
get the kid to think about you know how
does it feel like kid doesn't see that
you know when the other person says hi
you don't answer you know maybe he's
offended maybe doesn't think you're
friendly the kid's not thinking about
about all those things we want to get
the kid to start thinking about you know
someone said hi to me and he doesn't
want you to you know you don't want him
to think you're not his friend so what
could fit more with the cognitive
approach getting the kid to think would
be to say um you don't want to say hi to
me you know you say in a friendly in a
joking way you don't want to say hi to
me or you know saying goodbye hey you
don't want to say goodbye to me and then
all of a sudden the kids like realizes
like you know it's coming with that
feeling like you know he he doesn't like
it that I didn't say hi to him and then
the sort of kids is going to start to
think about you know maybe it's
important to say hi instead of it just
being a rule that when you see people
you say hi when you see people when you
leave them you say goodbye when you talk
to them you look at them you don't look
away and instead of it your whole social
interaction being you know a bunch of
rules you're following rule by rule by
rule by rule which is an endless amount
of rules and the rules are always
changing you want the kid to understand
what's behind a friendship what's behind
a social interaction that he could on
his own start doing it I love that and
when you said I'm just going to add one
tiny thing that you when you said don't
you say hi to me that's fun right you're
hitting you're hitting that part of the
kid's mind where you want them to think
right and and respond in some way but
it's fun it's said in a fun way if you
remember if you look at the tone that
said it it's like it's said in a fun way
it's like what you don't want to say
hello to me and that's the that's where
the learning comes
in let's do the last but I want to just
jump into question there a lot of
questions people want to ask what do you
believe is the most critical aspect in
supporting individuals autism spectrum
whether children or adults and 9% say
providing sensory accommodations like
working around the sensory but most
people 78% I think that's what we're
really saying fering Social and
emotional development through
relationship based approaches and 133%
say implementing structur behavioral
interventions such as ABA so I think
that's pretty much what we're saying all
time like that that relationship and
understanding and the back and forth so
let's jump into life questions okay
here we go everything's on the table
okay you're on
unmute hi hi
hi everyone okay there just so much to
say thank you for
uh what you said I don't even know where
to start but um so let me ask you one
question if
okay um we're speaking about so much
about first of all we speaking about so
many different ranges and ages and
stages obviously right the spectrum is
so vast um but I just have a general
question because we put so much emphasis
on the school and how to help the
children develop and grow and Foster but
what about the home you know we also
need a lot of education in that sense
but and I don't hear that spoken as much
about you know that's taken for granted
as if the parents will know what to do
and will develop a relationship I I
don't know I'm just saying where's
where's that education support you know
element put in to place are we expected
to well I I mean I thought we're talking
to parents so we didn't want to say
anything about parents we you know we
blamed everything on the school but
you're right actly the same thing at
home and with parents yeah I'm sorry Rob
I interrupted you with that no no go go
for it no no no no I I was expecting you
to talk but I just had
to that was funny that was that was
funny yeah you know I'll tell you what
doesn't work when the parents are told
what to do with the kids there's a
problem in school and the parents are
told you have to do the homework you
have to have you have to help the kid
with the homework you have to do this
you have to do this and like the kid
doesn't want to do it so now now the
parents are going to get blamed the uh
this is what I do I I asked and you know
they're different families like you know
what's the most important thing in your
family you know I went to a SAT Mar's
house in in the munay area and and
here's a kid who couldn't talk she's
multiply she's in a wheelchair she
really couldn't talk and the father said
I want my my girl to learn gamorra
gamorra and I said okay all right if
that's your goal then it's my
goal right so it's it you know and and
it some families love to eat out and now
they can't because they can misbehave
well that becomes an issue some families
just love to read and and they can't
because the kid is you know all so I
always ask the the parents what is say I
know where you're coming from uh Joseph
and that is you're coming from a place
of uh well what the
schools are telling you to do and what
do we do at home you know for the same
goals that the schools are telling you
that the kid have had difficulties with
I want to know what are you what is
going you know the kid can't get up get
get dressed in the morning I want to
know that I've gone to people's houses
11:00 at night well starting at 8:00 at
night to 11: at night
because the kid had trouble going to
sleep right that's important so I would
go and I I'll see what the kid needs in
order to go to sleep and I'll figure it
out and I'll tell the parents you know
try this you know don't get into bed
with him because that's not the greatest
idea uh unless you really have to and
this is what he needs you know and and
and so it starts with that it starts
with what are your needs at home that's
going to make your family
function I want to add two two two
points um first of all you know one one
thing that I you know just a general you
know educational thing you know let's
say parents want to implement something
in the house they want the kid to you
know start cooperating with uh you know
cleaning up picking up the garbage or
any kind of thing that you know parents
they want to give a you know some kind
of you know consequence or whatever it
is or even a reward you know we want to
get the reward the kid to start doing
what he's supposed to do so if you're
just going to focus on you know the the
reward or the consequence without
thinking about how's the child going to
be thinking how's the child going to be
understanding what is going
on you know it's much more limited if if
you're going to reward the kid and tell
the kid look you know we're rewarding
you but the idea is not that we want to
give you the reward the idea is that you
really want to be a better person you
really want to be better at what you're
doing we're just trying to help you
along with this little reward make it
easier for you but that's not really the
idea of it so if there's that message
that you're giving to the kid with your
with your um teaching or with your um
parenting there's that educational
message that's accompanying what we're
doing you know that's just something
that parents could I'm trying to give
something general that parents could
incorporate you know without getting to
all the specifics when you're trying to
parent your kid think about the message
that you're giving over
and sometimes that could be more
effective than
actual you know consequence so I'm sorry
I'm gonna jump back in because um it's
not really what I'm asking I'm sorry um
I'm actually asking much like different
level of not rewards and benefits but
more of like creating safety connection
communication you were talking about
longer term goals of the person
remaining connected with Society with
people with family you know I I hate to
break you I've learned from a certain
section including my own that there is a
large Dropout in the religious community
high functioning autistic people they
are falling you know we don't and many
of them undiagnosed late diagnosed
whatever it is you knowas didn't know
what to do schools who has nobody has
time nobody has it's too much you know
what you're asking the schools to do
they're barely able to even put in in
mainstream putting in the curriculum and
then you're saying okay they have to
stop it's okay when they're six years
old I get the story but when they're 13
14 we're trying to do all that plus the
wonderful things that you said you know
to be able to be compassionate
understanding who's got time for that
I'm sorry that was rhetorical cynical um
but there's so
much it and and the parents really I'm
in contact with so many parents the real
struggles are not you know yes the
schools are blaming for homework and
things of that sort when really the
school the houses are you know in
sibling interaction trying to navigate
one with the
other remaining connected not over
disciplining not losing them it's a lot
bigger than that so that was really my
question not specifically about the
education system per se although that's
that becomes a big part of it so if we
could break down your question into
multiple questions number
one how do you get the K to occupy
himself the kid cannot occupy himself
this is a big concern parents have he's
driving everyone crazy he needs
everybody's attention he he won't give
anybody in the family A Break he's all
day just he needs people to entertain
him either he bothers them he harasses
them how do you get the kid to occupy
himself well I have both I have one
that's in his room all day doesn't
bother anyone and I have the other one
in that polar opposite who is attacking
everyone so it's even that's not right
okay so I mean if you break it down that
would be let's say one question right
okay then another question would be the
kid is torturing his younger sibling you
see the younger sibling you know you see
the the pain in the younger sibling's
eyes what do you do about this older
sibling who's you know of in Spectrum
has challenges that non-stop torturing
the younger sibling what do you do about
it had the parents just sit and watch
the younger sibling you know being
demolished by this older sibling right
that could be another issue
[Music]
um you know now you you you you you also
me mentioned another question what do
you do about kids that are you know
dropping out this is another big concern
sometimes you see kids they're they're
so super learning they're super involved
they're super focused they won't do
anything but learning they come on for a
break you know from Yeshiva they're just
opening the book they're opening the
safer you know I met a kid and I said I
wanted to say like hey what do you want
to do like let's do something like that
you enjoy right because you know he's
learning all day this kid was 18 19 you
know there's nothing he wanted to do I
said maybe we should meet in in a bagel
story goes no he wouldn't do that so
what he want to do with me he wanted to
learn with me so that idea is like he's
so you know obsessed or rigid about what
he's doing eventually it's gonna it's
it's gonna it's not going to work
there's going to be a Fallout the drag
will end are we hitting some of the more
specific questions that you wanted to
okay can I can I jump in
here I I just want to again not answer
your question if I
may don't expect this to answer your
question but I I think it's interesting
and I'll the idea of siblings is is I
had the exact same problem with my older
boy who's autistic hinting his younger
son the younger brother and uh and my
mother I remember telling my and this is
coming right from from the beginning I
can't wait for the younger one to be old
enough to hit you back you know so this
kept on going on for for years and and
then I finally told the old said to the
older one I said would you he's you know
didn't want the young one to do anything
any kind of competition he wanted to
destroy the I said would you rather the
young your younger brother be in a
wheelchair so he never has to compete
with you and be intellectually disabled
however so he doesn't have to think and
he he he'll never compete with you and
he was young enough my you know the kid
I was talking about is young enough to
say to believe that you know that qu
would you rather have that he says no no
no no no no no okay well look he's the
only brother you're ever gonna have and
and you're gonna you're going to have to
change your ways of hitting him all the
time unless you want him to always be
you know in a wheel you know and he and
he from that moment on he changed and
now they're
they're they're they're good friends
from there on but that if I I'm a big
believer in intervention I'm I'm not
when who was it um it was coach monum
who said uh the kids will figure it out
I'm a big believer in intervention
because the kids may not figure it out
you know so um so the idea of the
siblings I'll just say this one more
thing is is very underestimated and and
The Sibling could do things for the kid
on the Spectrum the brother or sister on
the spectrum that is we no no one else
can do so we need to kind of enhance
that relationship as opposed
to
the what I've been told that uh I can't
wait to go to college to so I can just
not be bothered by my younger brother
who's bothering me all the time it's not
good that's not good
right the school has to have enough
needs so back to home what about the
parents the family grandparents rabbis
Community you know
we're that's for the home you know I
mean school has a whole system but what
about there are a few I know there are
some programs but I have a really simple
I have a really simple answer to that if
you really understand the kid and know
and you know what your child
needs then
everyone could be involved and I love
talking to community leaders rabbis
anybody right because if you know the
kid you know what the kid needs the kid
needs more time to process information
don't don't expect an answer right away
I mean like there's a hundred of these
things and we need people like you out
there teaching that the community more I
don't think there is enough uh
knowledge in many places
unfortunately awareness right I mean so
that yes that just you know I I know a
story with you know with a boy that he
he didn't want to go to sh he didn't
want to go to synagogue he wasn't
comfortable um you know he's getting
closer to his bar mitzvah so the parents
spoke to the RV to you know set
something up that when he comes to SCH
you know the rabbi is going to come over
and make the kid feel comfortable that
this kid should be you know willing to
go to SCH so you know setting up some
kind of something in the community you
know with the RAB you know many you know
I'm I'm sure any Rabbi you know
sensitive to his community needs just
telling him what's going on a little
thing he could do for the kid and that
can make a big difference you know for
that specific
kid um but the other point that you said
Rob about um one of the big problems is
that you know I think that there's this
overall mentality that you know we
struggle with not just in schoolwide but
you know as parents that we just need
our kids to be what we want them to be
you know we need them to fit a certain
mold a certain image and then there's
that all that you know you know he's not
doing this he's not doing that and we
get caught up in all the things they're
not doing right and instead of
appreciating the gift that this kid has
this kid you know with his
challenges he really has something
unique something to offer the world that
nobody else has he has his own unique
thing that he can offer the world and if
we can understand that and appreciate
that you know I'll give you a little
example I was learning with Kusa about
you know we're learning about Hashem how
you know different St about hasem guides
the world and I told him you know a kid
asked me a question he's like just
because Hashem just because the first
man bumped into a tree all of mankind
has to suffer now so like that's a
really important question but the
average kid doesn't think that he's
supposed to be asking such a question
this kid actually thought of it like
they could think of things and they
could have real things that contribute
to everybody their way of thinking about
things I learn from and so if we
could appreciate their uniqueness and if
parents would would look at this child
like okay yes he's not he has a problem
with friends he's harassing his siblings
he's getting to trouble with the
neighbors but he has something really
beautiful and something amazing that he
can offer the world and if we can value
that and cultivate that you know that
could really change things significantly
for the
kid beautiful beautiful okay let's go to
the next Live question you're on hi um
how can I tell if an adult who is
clearly suffering and is having trouble
living a productive life if it's if he's
suffering from ASD or trauma something
else all right um it's an interesting
question and here's my answer to that um
even if even I'll say the same thing
even if it's for a little kid and that
is the label really doesn't
matter as much as what's going on so if
we had a conversation if we were the
only ones in the room we we could ask
whatever 180 people to just step off for
a few minutes I'd be asking you to um
you know like okay what's what's the
issue what's the issue okay well all
right is it gonna help and a lot of
times like it was been said that if you
know the person's on the
Spectrum then like my brother my my I
got a call from my my brother's
girlfriend and she says we go to a party
and my brother Mark uh just stays by
himself he just stays by himself he
doesn't interact with any of he's a
professor in a university he doesn't
want to interact with anyone and she
asked me is my brother on the Spectrum I
go whoa this is loaded why why I want to
know what's going on and she and she
said well you know if if he has
Asbergers I'll I'll marry him but if
he's just an ass forget
it so so sometimes knowing the the cause
of it or knowing what we need we need to
have more of a conversation to find out
what what to
do um the solution is is usually the
same or is I'm saying if if the label
doesn't matter
well what does it's well it could help
no should I should I know I want to
qualify that the most important thing to
me is like what is going on and what
could we do about it
if and if you feel or he feels that if
he's autistic that would explain a lot
and that would allow you to breathe and
allow you to look at him and him himself
in a different way and allow you know
more progress to happen from this there
yes then then the label is important uh
my own kid who's on the Spectrum he
didn't know until he was a graduate
student he didn't know until his
girlfriend in graduate school called me
up and said oh did you realize your
son's on the Spectrum I go well I knew
yeah since he was two I knew he was on
the Spectrum but now he's gonna know so
I was holding my breath waiting for him
to be either angry at me you know being
on the spec if I knew then I would have
I would have had a much better life if
you know up until then you know if I
knew it would have answered a lot of
these questions that I've always had
about myself or he could have said you
know what I'm glad I didn't know because
I'm I'm in graduate school I'm I'm happy
I'm I'm and I'm you know having my own
life so it could go either
way okay thank you it's hard to know
also on the Spectrum so many people have
different there's such a range and there
could be so many different causes of you
know so
sometimes you know sometimes the
diagnosis making everything diagnosis is
actually not always beneficial because
people could have struggles for so many
different reasons and sometimes it's
beneficial because you know then it
could lead to self-acceptance like okay
now I understand myself I know why I'm
like this and now I don't have to be so
um you know so ashamed why I'm not doing
things the way other people are doing it
because you know I work differently I
have a different way of operating
different way of connecting with people
so it could go both
ways amazing okay let's go to the next
slide question by the way Usha I work
with a lot of couples and one couple is
often on the Spectrum whether they're
diagnosed or not usually not and it's
usually the you know the male and the
and and and it's it's it's a real
interesting Dynamic how why doesn't this
guy understand me how come he doesn't
know how I feel why doesn't he listen to
me and and knowing what's what the
problem is and what to do about it with
a with with a couple such as that is is
um is just another another thing that
that's important to do to look at I I I
personally I really enjoy that Dynamic
and helping people like that Couples
married
couples okay amazing okay you're
on okay so I hope I'm not going to open
up a Pandora's Box here but I wanted
your opinion on um I have a daughter
that's um developmentally disabled she's
officially diagnosed on the Spectrum
only because they couldn't come up with
any other diagnosis for her um she as a
baby very very obviously and clearly we
saw um a correlation of regression and
damage from vaccines as soon as like a
day after she got vaccinated she started
having seizures and it went down hell
with each vaccine so I went on a path of
Education um again I'm not an antivaxer
at all I just became an educated vaxer
and um I'm curious what you can help let
us know about how we family members that
have seen um this detrimental effect
when there is so many vaccines given to
babies specifically in the United States
um how we can
um communicate with our pediatricians if
you have an opinion on this and if you
could help out with navigating
pediatricians for the following for the
next kids or even for the grandchildren
when we don't feel comfortable giving a
slew of vaccines from even from
pregnancy from even before the baby's
born they're already giving vaccines and
in the hospital and then throughout the
first two years um I'm wondering if you
could Enlighten us a little bit on your
opinion on that I'm I'm going to get
into trouble
anything that I say on the topic so I'm
just not going to say anything and I'll
let Rob take full control oh oh I don't
I don't mind getting into
trouble um well at least so far the
science says the vaccines are okay right
but then when you look at individual
cases when some I think there was a case
that a a girl got vaccinated with nine
vaccinations in one day and then you
know and so then there's this
I you know it's hard to think about it
it's hard to prove that what are you
gonna have a controlled study with nine
vaccinations suffice five vaccination
you can't really you know prove it but
it's in the back of a lot of people's
minds like my own that I'm I'm not GNA
have a lot of and some people say that
it's just a number of vaccinations
rather than the kind of
vaccinations I don't know I don't I just
don't know but when you talk to people
who are
you know Pro vaccine the scientists and
they know they know the history they'll
say if it's my kid I'm not gonna have
them have several vaccinations at once
I'm just
gonna you know but um but that's that's
all I I can I can tell you is a lot of
people in your position I'm just saying
the science is not you're saying the
science is is proving that it's safe but
really if we look at what's going on
right now with um ADHD anxiety disorder
OCD peanut allergies asthma eczema how
how was that that the science is okay
maybe we don't have as much measles
rebella and um whooping cough which
anyway really they say did go down once
the population got more Santi sanitized
and cleaner and um healthier in other
ways but we do have a classroom full of
all various other type of diagnoses now
not just autism and I don't know maybe
that maybe that's a correlation right so
just to keep the conversation back
because this is a very important topic
and people are very passionate about and
I've been involved that I was on a forum
of you know having people having this
discussion you know I myself don't know
enough about it I hear things from both
sides and one thing we could say is that
you know there's a lot of unknown you
know sometimes people sometimes you know
you know you know your specific story I
definitely understand that you know you
saw clear correlation and was clear to
you and but for some people there's a
lot of just question marks they really
don't know you know maybe something
during birth happened and there was some
complication and maybe that's why the
kid is the way he is and we can never
really answer these questions and it's
just like you know maybe sometimes we
just need to you know you know I'm not
talking about your specific you know
story because you know you saw a clear
correlation but you know people can
speculate all kinds of things and we
just need to let go and you know we
don't know what we don't always know
what it was right that's why I was
curious to see and at the same time the
same time if you you can still help
these kids by teaching them they'll
still develop they'll still grow they'll
still become smarter they'll become more
adapted to society by teaching them
because I see this approach works the
same whether it's what you call ASD or
sometimes can be some other diagnosis
which I I worked with a child and I was
told he really has another diagnosis but
they got the ASD diagnosis it's really
something else and he was improving the
same as all the other kids that I've
worked with so in terms of how we helped
them I don't really see a difference in
what the cause is I just see you know
the kids struggling and we help them
grow and learn and and the brain has
this way of developing the brain does
grow it
develops right I do I do have to just to
mention that what Rob said is very
important a lot of times you do go to
the doctor and they they go through that
four or five shots at once and there's
nothing wrong with trying to say let's
let's do it a little bit spaced out if
you if you have any concern whatsoever
there's no there's no emergency to do it
that
day sometimes you go with your kids and
they literally give them five or six
shots of different things at once it
just seems like a
lot okay let's go to the next question
okay
hi hi hi thank you so much I'm talking
about an 18-year-old boy who's on the
Spectrum do you have anything to suggest
how to help him entertain
himself because he constantly asks for
help when it comes to being
entertained yeah I think this is one I I
gave a little talk for parents of
children with high functioning autis ISM
and this I think was like probably the
biggest concern that they had how do you
get the child to occupy himself keep
himself
busy well so what did you
say thank you I'm gonna let the Reby a
student is not supposed to speak up and
aside haa questions in front of his
Rabbi so I'm GNA let my Rabbi
speak
well first of all he's in school or is
he out of yes yes yes okay does he like
anything at scho in school
yes what he likes the learning and he's
generally likes the social life not all
the time but most of the
time I would start with that I would
start with things that he likes you know
if if he if he needs
a rabbi or a partner to come in and
study with him you know if you know see
uh what what is you know is it just
learning between him and the rabbi it's
learning in a group it's learning with a
friend I love the idea of learning with
a friend you know and I would introduce
that if he if he doesn't have that I
mean if he likes learning have a friend
from the community have something
someone coming in and and say okay this
could be as often as you know this could
be every day and this could be a
wonderful way of of him being occupied I
mean there's nothing wrong with uh with
learning um and uh so I would start with
some of the things that that you know he
likes and I also like the idea of of
getting out you know today was like I
don't know 60 degrees or something um I
also like the idea of getting out as
something that he might like to do right
and and that's and that opens up a whole
other realm of of activity
[Music]
um the other thing I'll say is that I
work through zoom and I'll bring people
on Zoom together and people are really
establishing genuine friendships through
talking with each other on zoom and then
they'll they'll meet in person as well
so it's sort of an easy way of of
meeting people I I have one person who's
brilliant he's talking to professors of
hittite of you know I mean on Zoom you
could meet almost anybody in the world
and and that could be a way of him
interacting and
also being
occupied yes so that I mean that's
really that's really what you know I I
try to do the same thing you know when I
work with the the you know the boys that
I work with the children that I work
with you know it's always looking for
ways you know both friends that have
similar interests or things that you
know the kid may may interest him you
know if it's a hobby if it's an activity
and you try to you know encourage the
kid you know encourage the you know the
individual to get more involved in that
maybe it's a sport um so maybe it's
reading maybe likes to read certain
things so you get him you know certain
books on topics that he likes to read
about or listening you know if it's
listen listening to you know those
topics looking for different things that
interest him specifically and he'll
start getting more engaged than that now
now it is a process because you know
they you know it's easier for them to
just put it on everybody else I mean
that I think that's part of the
challenge they're like I don't have to
work hard to keep myself busy it's your
job it's the whole world's job to figure
out how to keep me busy I'm bored you
figure out how to keep me busy and then
our challenge is to sometimes you
know so I'm adding now a new thing you
know besides her finding things that the
child might interest in If the child is
resisting it you could say look you know
I'm here to try to help you I can give
you ideas
but you know that's the most I can do I
can't force it upon
you so that's that's another Dynamic If
the child is saying you know I don't
want to do the things you telling me to
do I want you to keep me busy well
that's the topic tonight really to
understand the child so it takes time
to go down to that child's
level and having the conversation with
the child understanding what the child
likes and obviously in the beginning the
child is G is going to say you know what
do you want to do he'll say that's the
first answer I don't know I don't know I
don't know so being able to have that
conversation and coming up with ideas
making it easier but it does put the
work on the
appearance and eventually hopefully he
makes some connections where he can
connect right right and and here's the
thing sometimes parents say look I'm
trying to do everything for him but
nothing's working and then it sometimes
comes down to because there's that
Dynamic that the the boy or the kid
wants doesn't want to have that hard
work of having to occupy himself he
wants he wants you know just give me a
credit card that I can go to the store
and spend $20 that's how I want to
appify myself I what does he want to buy
I don't want to just have to work hard
on doing something that doesn't cost
money give me the $20 and that's what I
want to do and then then comes the
conversation of like you know I can't
Supply you with endless amount of money
to just do what you know there's that
learning of him understanding other
people and others people's boundaries
and what parents are capable of and
that's also part of the learning process
and then we can you know by letting go
of us having to figure it all out for
him it sometimes also gives the child
now the space to you know need to come
up with things to figure out look I can
come up with a bunch of ideas for you
but
I can't make you not bored if you're
bored that's really your problem and
you're gonna have to somehow figure out
what to do with that I want to just add
one more one thing to this we're talking
about what he wants to do and I'm saying
wait a second isn't that what we're
talking about good education where's the
educational part I just want to bring
that in I own the term chess therapy
chess if he likes chess chess is a
wonderful game in order for the kid to
learn all kinds of things you know
looking at a situation from another
person's point of view when they where
the other person made a move what could
he do to your why did he make that move
I mean there are so many things you
could learn that's really important in
terms of the kids development through
some of these games even video games so
kind of keep that in mind as the kid
gets engaged with things that he
likes no when you're saying that he
should entertain himself and I forgot
which one of you said he has to learn
the boundaries of the people around him
right because I want you to do with me
how do I explain to him the
boundaries right so sometimes sometimes
instead of explaining it directly it's
about you know so look so so here's
here's what here's the tricky part we
want you to keep yourself busy so if
it's something that I'm trying to get
you to do if I want to try to get
someone else a kid to do something he's
like well I don't want to listen to you
I'm not interested in listening to you I
don't know how to do it that's right
tell me what to do
right yeah yeah you're telling me I
should go keep myself busy I don't know
what to do but now what does he want to
do instead does he want to just sit in
his room quietly and not bother anybody
or no now he wants to ask you for
something get something out of you and
then you know once that's the dynamic
he's trying to get something from you
you're like I'm sorry I can't help you
then you you can't force me to do what
you want to do and then so that that's
in terms of working out the you know
this boundary issue because they don't
know always want to respect other
people's boundaries and then you know
one of the ways to deal with that is you
know I don't force you but you can't
force me and then when we're not dealing
with that boundary struggle you know if
we could have a real convers look if
you're ready to have a real talk I can
sit down with you and give you a bunch
of ideas and we can figure out something
that might actually help you you know I
want to jump in here and give you an
example of exactly what you're saying
you know you have an opinion and this
kid has an opinion right
okay here are two kids in my office at
about your kid's age one wants to have
ice cream one wants to have Pizer and
they're both totally obsessed with it no
boundary it's just do what I want to do
do what I want to do and the other kid
is the same way and I say well I let the
situation dictate the boundary instead
of getting into a fight I go well in
another 10 minutes it' be too late to go
anywhere and one of the kids says okay
we'll get we okay we'll get ice cream we
and then and then I said okay now I went
to the kid who wanted ice cream and he
said okay what do you think great he
said ice cream let's go I said wait a
second now the therapy starts he he
wanted Pizza you know what what do you
think and it takes a while all right
next time we'll have pizza all right
well wait a second wait a second that's
not enough maybe next time he'd want
something else maybe he want you know a
different kind of food maybe Chinese
maybe he wants a PO you know maybe so
it's like you want to respect him next
time next time may not be Pizza next
time is whatever he wants to do so it's
it's it's kind of a learning experience
and kind of giving up your your you know
blinders that's on your mind with the
what's where the boundaries come in kids
being inflexible is what you want to
change you want these kids to learn to
be flexible so there are different ways
of doing that and so that's what's
brilliant to about how Rob does this
approach that you know okay so the kid
finally gave in let's just get let's
just get the pizza and and and Rob is
saying like for most people okay great
you know we had a great session we got
the kid to give in and now we continue
doing the the pizza Rob saying no no
that's not the point you know but what
about the other kid and you know that
you know you know that back and forth
that's the real therapy to get that to
challenge that thinking and to get them
to really think
and that's that's the that's how Rob
really um you know that you know in that
that way he really owns this approach of
really getting to the kids thinking and
developing the kids
thinking all right you want another
story don't you one second now let's
let's go to the next question a good you
see you see I knew it let's go
it's important question you were a
little
late can I Rob can I
go I have a question if you have if you
could present to the guest okay parents
came to me it's a therapist with the
following dilemma they have a
16-year-old child in who believe is on
the Spectrum he wasn't officially
diagnosed as they didn't want to label
him however he's been working with an
ASD psychologist guiding the parents
recently he's been exposed by friends
this explicit sexual material that ended
up him stealing money and purchasing a
smartphone and being hooked onto it the
parents came to me hysterical and broken
that all the hard work investing in the
child has been lost they managed to
convince him to give up the device and
he owned and being torn and addicted to
stealing and now he wants expensive
motorized bikes as compensation for
giving up a smart device what do you
recommend to the parents to do and how
to manage the child's like keeping a
loving
relationship okay that's a good qu
that's a really good um important
question
but um I would say a couple of things is
it okay that I'm talking first that's no
um so first of all with this um you know
the
sexual you know kind the sexual nature
of his behaviors is going to be a big um
worry for parents in the fir Community
because you know that's not acceptable
that's something that we learn about
from young age not to you know engage in
that kind of thing and
that that worry on the parents head is
what's behind a lot of this like you
know desperation they're like desperate
what do we do over here you know all our
hard work that we invested in this kid
from when he was a little kid is just
all about to go down the drain and it's
like the parents are going to be
panicking at this point and and it's
very hard to educate and be effective
when you're in that state of panic and
Desperation so the number one thing
which I think that the parents
you know or anybody in any situation is
that this is a challenge that the child
is going through just as any other
challenge that may be coming up for the
child his challenge turned out in this
way it doesn't say anything about you
know their education and you know kids
when they get to a certain age yes they
do have an interest in sexual content
especially if he may be struggling in
other areas maybe he he doesn't have
enough friends maybe he's not connecting
with his learning he's not enjoying his
learning so this is maybe the only thing
right now he's really enjoying and he he
really needs something some kind of
thing in his life that he could enjoy
and so he's going to be you know just go
after that so if the parents would
understand the kids's point of view and
look at this like you know this is a
challenge that he's going through like
any other challenge that kids can go
through and we can work with him and we
can help him we can guide him and he's
going to get over it just as any other
challenge they won't be in that state of
desperation and they won't have to act
that of panic which will be helpful for
them to be more levelheaded and deal
with it in a much more appropriate and
balanced
fashion I love that right the kid is
hurting the kid is lost the kid needs
help and I think I want to emphasize one
one thing that you just said and that
is you could only help these kids if
you're calm if your kid is displaying
high anxiety and yelling you need to be
I could show you two or three books
right now they all say the same thing
you as a as a therapist as a parent if
you want to help somebody and who's
hysterical you need to be calm without
saying calm down who calms down I don't
know of any hey calm down I don't know
has that ever worked but but you if
you're calm and if you think of what no
just said if you're calm then you can
start thinking the way is just thinking
it's like all right kids hurting what
what where's his Connection in life what
what positive thing does he need instead
of being punished for
stealing which is okay if you want to go
that R but what what positive thing
could could he have in his life that
maybe he's never had before you maybe a
genuine friend or maybe something that's
that's important to him um so I love I
love that
answer yeah and and I'm going to add to
that that that you know helping the kid
you know the the immediate response to
this incident that kid stole you know he
did what he wasn't supposed to do the
the the fix is not something just to
immediate sto the behavior there's a
symptom over here we need to address you
know if this kid was happy this kid felt
productive then he wouldn't he would be
he wouldn't have to he wouldn't be doing
that kind of thing you know it's not
like the kid is really happy to be going
and stealing and doing that he knows
it's not right but so we got to find
something in his life we need some kind
of change maybe he has some kind of
passion some interest that nobody ever
recognized that he had and could be
developed maybe he likes to build I like
to build maybe he likes singing maybe he
likes music maybe he wants to earn money
you know I saw one of the chats you know
let's figure out how he could earn money
make his own money make a business He
he'll be excited about earning money and
then you know stealing won't be
important anymore because hey I can earn
my own money so there's so many other
things to you know let's look into
because that's that's really what the
direction that's pointing to when the
kid is you know dealing with this
situation okay let's go to the next Live
question you're on thank you so hi my
name is Eliana I'm 22 years old and I'm
autistic and I was wondering for me and
other people in the community who are
autistic how we might be able to apply
our experiences
towards being part of the conversation
on autism and helping to CH make the
community better for not just ourselves
but for other autistic people and for
all the kids and their parents and
everyone who's involved in
this wow thank you for coming on um I do
a webinar for the USAA and it's free um
and it's called voices hearing people's
voices like yourself making your voice
known um is um is is really important
and and and here's I've been
interviewing um with my co-author we've
been interviewing adults about their
childhood experience I mean maybe 20 of
them every single one of them has one
thing in common they all say one thing
that's exactly the same and that is when
they were kids in school they weren't
listened to they weren't listened to and
uh and it's it's time for people you
know like yourself who has this very
strong voice being being autistic
yourself to share with with other people
for we could learn so much from you you
know what happened when you were six
years old were you bullied were you
taking advantage of were you did you was
were you made to feel left out of things
um I mean there's so many stories that
you can give us to help Enlighten us as
to what we could do now with the
six-year-old in our class or the 18y old
like the parents saying 18y old at at
home I mean there's so much information
that you can share with us and it's um
it's just the blessing that you're that
you're on
today
yeah just want to say I really
appreciate that yeah and I want to add
to that that we're you know we're living
in a very narrow-minded world that you
know everybody has to think a certain
way act a certain way do it a certain
way and we need people like you that can
offer something that nobody else could
offer to the world a different
perspective a different way to look at
things to understand other people and
other perspectives
because you know especially like you
know understand there's so much you can
give in and understanding you know other
people like you or kids that are growing
up with different
challenges and it really boils down to
you know what we're trying to discuss
it's about understanding other people
understanding what they're going through
hearing their point of view because
there's something that that you have
that we don't have or that I'm saying
that I may not have or someone else may
not have but but you can offer that that
I love that because like just what I was
saying with siblings sometimes the
siblings in a better position than
anyone to do certain things for that
that child and and you would be a
wonderful asset to be come on say on a
zoom call with um I'm thinking of this
girl who uh who has suicidal he she
tried a couple times to commit suicide
all right now I could talk to her but
maybe hearing from you it might be more
effective you know so that you know
there's so much that you could come on
with uh and with zoom it's it's not it's
an easy kind of thing to do to have a
real direct effect on on people who
really need that connection with
somebody
else thank you that was really good
thank
you thank you thank you
okay let's go to the next Live question
you're on hi uh the busy single mother
and the pressured private school
teachers of an eight-year-old boy who's
doing well academically are pushing for
neuros pych evaluation with a boy in
order to get a diagnosis and seek
control of the boy through
medication uh the boy is expressive um
in performance is cooking sports jokes
Dancing Arts openly likes attention but
expresses is um disliking being
controlled and he doesn't look he
doesn't look at people when
communicating and he just acts rather
than communicating it's just easier for
him to um instead of asking permission
or acknowledge boundaries of other
people um and their things what do you
say to evaluators to teachers uh so the
otherother well sometimes teachers see a
challenge they see a difficulty with a
child and it's just easy to say okay
just give the medication and then it
will fix the issue and our whole
presentation is about let's understand
understand me don't just try to fix me
or give me some kind of medication
that's gonna because the medications
have a lot of side effects and there's
certain things that maybe reduce certain
symptoms and then it increases other
symptoms that the kid now has to suffer
with yeah I'm not saying medication
never has a place but if that's the
first Resort that's the first thing that
the teachers want to throw out it's
really a copout on yeah educator
um I'll just throw something else in
here and you're talking about he likes
to be controlled controlling the
situation well I happen to like
basketball and if you if you're a good
basketball player or if you play the
game well you need to pay attention to
another person if someone's open under
the basket you you can't control the
ball you can't always be the one to
shoot the ball you have to I would want
to teach him about giving up his control
by playing one of these sports that that
he likes and and have
him have a change of mindset it's great
he really wants to play football yeah
it's perfect and if you do that then
maybe may maybe he wouldn't even need
the medication because he'd be thinking
in a different
way yes I I worked with a boy he was you
know 13 years old and and he um he had a
really hard time focusing in learning in
class in
school and all the people that tried to
come learn with him his you know Kus his
he just didn't want to learn with
anybody he refused he didn't want to
work on it
and and what happened was he you know he
finally found somebody that was going to
work with him and this person was
trained in an approach to teach um
focusing you know there's a norling
program it's to teach the mind how to
focus and the person said let's talk
about this kid loves sports he said
let's talk about you know baseball you
know playing you know playing baseball
hitting you know there's so much Focus
there's so much that you have to learn
how to focus to you know to be good at
the sport so this kid was now motivated
to work on his attention to be able to
get good at the sport that he wanted to
get good at so could definitely teach
attention we can teach these things but
we may need to find what what really
motivates the kid and then teach it
through that through that activity yeah
what was the focus program that he used
so this was the neural links program so
it's a it is a it's a it is a hard
program because it's very much very like
strict strict um step step by step um
it's one approach to teaching focusing
um and like Rob said you could teach
focusing in a more natural way if you
know if it's a younger kid that's not
ready for a more intense program he'll
be ready he can learn how to focus doing
what he likes to do and we have to
engage him at his level and his age
yeah great thank you
okay let's go to the last Live question
and we're going to cover some other ones
okay you're on thank you so much I I've
appreciated everything that has been
said my question is over the years
working um in special education and
counseling I've seen a lot of boys when
they go through puberty it's from the
lowest functioning to the highest
functioning it's like their family winds
up having to hold their breath until
they're out of puberty what
recommendations do you have because yes
they've they've tried medication they've
tried different behavioral therapy
techniques and and it's so hard because
the boys themselves are crawling out of
their skin and in the process of
crawling out of their skin it's like the
tumult that they can cause in the house
and trying and it it even if it's their
way of communicating the tumet they feel
inside physically that they don't
understand
somehow they need the help and the
family needs the help what do you
recommend yeah well unfortunately I
think this is not this is unfortunately
you know a a significant issue a serious
issue in The Firm community and there is
a very wonderful book that was
recommended but that was that was just
put out um maybe it's you know by schi
Zimmerman from Boys to Men and and it's
specifically on this topic helping boys
through the stage of puberty and dealing
with the the the Tyra's laws and
restrictions about sexuality and how to
deal with it in a healthy emotional way
that it doesn't um it doesn't consume
the child with guilt and or it doesn't
lead to all kinds of um negative ways of
acting out now kids that are on the
Spectrum you know they may they may or
it doesn't have to just be kids on the
Spectrum maybe it's kids with ADHD or
children that have challenges are
obviously when it comes to this kind of
issue they may suffer from it more than
suppose let's say the average kid so
then it will be the same thing it's you
know it's you know helping them work
through this by you know first of all
preserving their self-esteem that it's
okay that they may not be perfect in
this area and nobody's expected to be
perfect and at the same thing it's
working through their other challenges
of you know developing their own sense
of worth unique you know they're a
unique valuable person who they are they
have you know building up what they're
good at they can feel successful what
they're good at building up their
friendships you know Finding different
ways how they could make real
friendships like you know Rob was giving
many um suggestions a lot of work about
you know
that and you know and one one of the
main things is not to get not to get
into that desperate panic mode like oh
no this kid is undermining the whole you
know his whole life of Education because
you know maybe the education system
didn't prepare child enough to deal with
it because this is not a topic that was
discussed it was just like you know
don't do that don't hang around girls
don't do that and then it's like all of
a sudden boom he wants to hang around
girls he wants to do all these things
and then he's not equipped to so he's
gonna maybe act the ways we you know we
would not want him to act but if we can
accept him and be patient with him then
we can help him reach a better
place thank you I I I'm also picturing a
number of boys who are not even looking
to be with girls and not necessarily
doing what would be inappropriate ala
but boys who just they're already
sensorily challenged and then they have
this and it just seems this time period
they're they're far more aggressive so
maybe we're just attributing it to
puberty where they don't have the words
to
express what they're uncomfortable with
um and and they may not cognitively be
in the place to um to understand that or
have that conversation I I think do does
that better help
clarify you brought up something really
important that we haven't talked about
at all and that is a good portion of
people on the Spectrum I'm talking about
80 90% And there are statistics backing
this up who have Sensi sensory
sensitivities yes yes and so now it's
like that the temperature has been
increased by a 100 degrees all of a
sudden for
them right and and and the and the issue
when that happens we're not aware of the
smells the the cleaning smell of the
night before we may not be aware of that
or the perfume that might be there or
the or the lights or the or the noise or
the number of kids in the room or um so
when the smells at the in the lunchroom
I mean we we may not even be aware of it
but and the kid may not even be aware of
that's the issue and then they go off
and we really have to consider that as
that's the number one thing I think we
we really should consider because it's
you know it might be really
obvious so I'm glad you brought that up
thank you so when we consider it what do
we
do well it's a good question
um it depends on obviously what it is I
mean kids will have headphones if it's
too much noise or um but I'll tell you
we have to be
careful Simon Baron Cohen one of the you
know leaders of of the autism world
he said maybe the classroom the way it's
the classroom is set up it's like um
fish would you know fresh water fish and
the kid is just feels really
uncomfortable with the way it's set up
whether it's the number of chairs or the
lighting or whatever and then and then
what does the teacher do they say you
know well you know what you're
uncomfortable leave go into another room
go to the principal's office calm down
and then come back I mean that may work
with some kids but in this example so he
goes into his saltwater environment and
he's fine and he still comes back to the
freshwater environment and like you're
wondering like what what is wrong with
the kid where it really might be maybe
he needs to sit near the window or maybe
he needs to sit up front or maybe he
needs to sit up the in the back you know
maybe he needs to move a little on the
side of the room maybe he just needs to
move without disturbing other people so
it's it's that kind of thing it's just
an awareness thing and then once we know
what it is talk to the parents maybe the
parents could help once we know what it
is then then we can do something about
it and and I think what you're saying
about this age of puberty that their
sensory needs like really Spike and you
know so really you know it's okay to
have sensory needs and they need to find
a way to you know you know sometimes the
sensory needs are very strong because
you know maybe they're limited and other
areas like social interactions they
don't get that so they have much more of
a need for that sensory satisfaction but
we need to find for them what they can
do that's appropriate um activities or
things that they can engage in and let
them do what feels good for them and
they can let it out in appropriate ways
and understand that they have that need
and find the things that they can do to
you know to give them that sensory input
without it being about just okay we have
to somehow restrict them from not doing
what they shouldn't be
doing thank you thank you so much here's
a question that somebody sent in before
we go to closing
um here our son was a real intense
learner for all his high school and post
high school years now he is refusing to
learn and d and function basically
something happened and he
stopped what's your recommendation
you're you're bringing up a really
important point and we haven't even
discussed it and schools don't really
discuss it that much and that is how
about the kid being happy how about the
person being happy maybe he worked well
in in school in high school he was
somehow he was motivated to to learn
like a lot of kids are and now when
they're on their own so to speak now
they're when you don't he doesn't have
the pressure to go from 10th grade to
11th grade then um then then he feels
empty you know he might be a child a
young adult who's been his whole life
doing things for someone else I remember
the first time I was my my parents said
okay this decision this life kind of
decision is up to you I go what you've
been telling me what to do my whole life
now you ask now it's my decision
and it had to do with school and and and
and this you know it's in Jewish studies
actually it's it's really interesting
like now it's my decision so so it
sounds like you know the kid listened to
what other people wanted him to do and a
certain point and not talked about and a
certain point you know when he takes a
breath and and there's there's nothing
inside to guide him and to motivate him
and direct him
and we have to he has to find that place
now to to direct him to make him whole
and it may have to do with studying or
may not we don't know yeah I'm I want to
add something to that that might help
for the closing that um you know a lot
of what we discussed is really it's
really there's um a verse in in Mishay
it says educate the youth according to
his way that even when he gets older he
won't abandon it because if the
education is not according to the
child's individual way it's not
connecting to the child he's not happy
he's not feeling like hey this is really
feels good this is really meaningful
this is really valuable I'm just instead
he's educated in a way just to follow
the box that everybody else said is you
have to act is you have to behave in his
whole life he's just doing what he's
told to do told to do told to do and
then when he gets older he just can't do
it anymore and then there's that break
but if we can educate the youth
according to his way and give him a
meaningful education that he can really
develop then even when he gets older he
won't drop it now it's not answering
what do you do once we reach that point
but then the challenge will be let's try
to you know go back to trying to start
again as much education as we could to
give him something meaningful in life
and realize that you know at this point
he may not be able to do all the things
because of you know he's already in that
position okay let's go to the closing
segment over here first of all big big
thank you to Robert and no for coming on
again tonight and giving tremendous
physic and a lot of deep talk we we went
into many different angles tonight um
hopefully people will watch it and the
replay and you know they really take it
to heart and they gives them some
guidance to move forward um if anybody
again wants to join the WhatsApp chats
you can WhatsApp me at 732 314710 I'll
send you the community link you can also
go to mall.com and you'll get the emails
and all the replays
again if anybody's here the first time
every Sunday night at 9:30 this Zoom ID
we have different topics different ABM
we try to really cover some very
important things next week with March
10th have a deep discussion with Rabbi
do bear Pinson he's a dynamic speaker he
speaks all over speaks a little bit
mystical topics and we don't have the
exact topic yet but it's going to be
something interesting so please join
again everything is recorded by.com if
anybody has any questions you can email
Coach manam gmail.com everything is
recorded will be up on his website
bf.com it will be on YouTube and Spotify
and apple podcast on all the podcasts on
colan people want to listen to that on
the phone uh it'll be up on the phone
numbers tomorrow the share is number 178
phone number to call
73295 9011 that's 732 305 305 9011
73235 9011 if anybody like to be in
contact with Robert Bernstein his phone
number is 914 330
3393 his email is rjv
at autism speech.com you can go to his
website robertj bernstein.com if anybody
wants to get in touch with no his phone
number 732 231 7363 his email is office
at the real change AB 75
7563 732 231 7 what is it five 7563
apologize for that 756 five I'm sorry
5763 email them at office real change
Aba his website is real AA real change
ava.com will put in the email I'll post
it again on the chat and again anybody
wants to buy Rob's books they're called
uni type Robert Bernstein and Amazon one
is called uniquely normal and the other
one is uniquely normal manual and again
thank you to all the advertising
sponsors of Lake scop Ellen AR fown
Central K from jcn we're going to go to
the closing
first and then we'll be Robert and we'll
end it and I just want to say I I love
doing these programs where're dealing
with specific situations we I personally
see a lot of people I could say it's
because of the shots I could say it's
because of the world we live in the cell
phone technology we don't know but um we
do see people that have children on the
autism spectrum and we do see even
adults on that spectrum and when we see
it
we try to say like not really deal with
it or look at it because it's not our
problem and we don't know how to deal
with it we like it's one of those things
that we just stay away from because it's
just so not our field so for the people
that don't ever have to touch this part
of their life you know I guess good for
them it could be listen to this
understand the challenges and even if
it's not your child you can learn how to
understand the person and be there for
the person and understand your needs
when you see a kid in scho scho it was
famous story recently that I recently a
few years ago that I used to go to a
certain Shool and there was a kid that
was on Spectrum used to scream a lot
during DAV he used to Cal his fathers to
bring him and a lot of the congregants
were were upset they went over to the
father ni and they said you know he's
not a well child why are you bringing
him to je he causes disruption and the
father went to the rabbi and the rabbi
gave a speech and he said his screaming
is more important than your in your
prayers because he's trying to express
himself in his way so we if we're not in
in this para in this in this situation
we should listen to tonight and really
resonate and be thankful that we're not
but also be compassionate understanding
understand not just some crazy kid
screaming there's there there's emotions
there's feelings there's human being in
there and for the people that deal with
this whether they think their child
might have it they should seek the
proper help listen to tonight's things
you hear what people deal with and you
try to pick up on the signals and you
get your child the proper help that they
need and I think what we learned from
tonight tonight is not that we're trying
to give them the right pill or what's
the magic answers really to be there
understand him and try to emotionally
connect with him so we could really help
him be the best who he could be and help
him guide him through life so that's
what I think was very important and the
reason why it's relevant to everybody
because we're everybody know somebody in
their world and going out of the autism
ASD Spectrum I'm going to take it to the
next level people that are regular
functioning people we have to be the
same way there's emotions and they
express things a certain way and they're
you know we have to be compassionate
understand where they're coming from I
don't think most people are evil or
cucko I think people are just
misunderstood and it's a very complex
world so I really appreciate Rob and for
coming on and really clarifying A lot of
things tonight and we're going to go to
Coach mum then Robert then
no thank you thank you very much Robert
and no I think it's a very important
conversation to have for schools parents
and I have to say it's not that easy to
implement what we discussed tonight it's
not that easy to you know the teacher
the school the system the classroom it's
not easy sometimes we do need that help
from
outside you have a teacher with h 30
kids in the class what are you going to
do so it's important to discuss it to
understand the child and that's what it
boils down to so that the parent the
teacher somebody who can
connect we can connect to the child give
it some
time and so you could be able to
understand they can you can understand
them they'll feel
understood and hopefully they will be
able to express themselves no matter
where they are but uh not always that
easy and that's why it's important to
sit and talk about it to hear from
others try to figure
out and Rob we still need that the
concept of
multiplication maybe you'll have to come
back yeah um thank you thank you very
much
it it's why does 5 Time 4 always equals
four time 5 why is that always the case
and we'll leave it but I want to thank
you that means we're gonna be on for
another two hours we have at least two
hours at least I had I had to give you
the um but really thank you and I love I
love your format because it's it should
be the way this is 90% questions and
that's and that's how in fact I know we
didn't answer all the questions and
you're welcome to email me or and I mean
that's why we're here to give you real
answers to real questions and and um so
I thank you for this this format and
what you're doing for the community I
want to thank Usher for that example of
the screaming kid um I know in my own
synagogue um parents told me personally
I had to leave because the synagogue
couldn't accommodate my kid who was on
the Spectrum they say they're open they
say all the right things but when it
comes down to it these kids and families
they rejected and they leave and it's um
you know I was going to say it's a
Shanda but I don't know if I'm quite
qualify for that uh but I guess my
message is to end with is and we touched
upon this is that kids should be their
authentic
selves and the kids learn Le especially
girls they learn not to be authentic
it's called masking they learn how to
act and and for sometimes they get get
unnoticed they're not even tested to be
on the Spectrum and they get tested when
they're adults but but they learn not to
be authentic whether it's this kind of
Behavioral kind of thing that we're
talking about earlier or personal or
emotional not connected um even with
they're friends they're not themselves
so I mean to me that's everything you
know that's really everything to be
authentic sense of self your self-esteem
so I just wanted to bring home that that
one point again and again thank you for
for having me and if I offended anyone
I'm very sorry
aser I forgive
you no let's go after two and a half
hours yes thank you so much
um Coach man for that you know you
really bring out you know the
understanding and the depth of the
discussion um you know with the
introduction all the questions and
eraser I think you're also becoming a
therapist I think maybe you should you
know you should start opening up shop
but uh I I do the program and I said
this years ago because I can't afford
therapy so this is my
therapy look this is it and this is my
therapy you know that's what I'm doing
this the same thing exactly so um yes I
just want to finish off first of all you
know I tried answering questions I don't
know if it at all had to do with the
question that the person was asking
anybody that wants to follow with
additional questions feel free to reach
out you could reach out to rob you could
reach out to me you could email me you
could you know send it through my
website I will try to give a response um
on my website I'm also going to be um as
start a little mini podcast on the akas
magazine which is given out to Tom's
River and on the website they're going
to have a little mini podcast that I
might be able to address additional
questions that we possibly didn't
address um and I just want to finish off
with that story that you said um R user
about the kid that was screaming and
that was his ding there's something that
I think that you know these children or
these people have they have something
that a lot of people don't have they
they they're really authentic a lot of
kids I see you know they're getting
close to B mitzah they don't want to D
and like they won't go to scho why
because they're not going to do
something that's not meaningful to them
but once they start understanding what
ding is really about then they'll dve in
then they'll really dve in the problem
is that they don't just want to do just
comply comply because that's what
everyone else is telling them to do that
doesn't work for them it has to be
really meaningful really
authentic and sometimes even if he's not
doing all the doing we want him to do
but let's wait and let's let him be the
real person he can be and the real daver
and that's what's more
valuable thank
you okay everybody thanks for joining us
tonight really appreciate it and mm this
will be up we listen to the replay send
it around to people you think that could
benefit for it mm will see everybody
next week same time same place March
10th at 9:30 with ROV be Pinson good
night everybody and thank you joining
and Rob we love
you I love you more have a great
night thank you