Tu B'Av - Rav Chaim Kanievsky on Dating & Shidduchim

Okay, good morning everyone. Shalom aleichem. We have a special share this morning in honor of Tu B'Av. Today's share and breakfast is dedicated by our dear friend Reb Dovid Halevi Levy in honor of Tu B'Av, which is the yardzeit of his father's grandmother, Rosa Cohen, whose yardzeit is Tu B'Av. Bat Rosa bat Reb Shmuel, whose yardzeit is Tu B'Av, and also in honor of Reb Dovid's new sefer Dovid Hamelech with a beautiful mosaic of King David from the synagogue in Gaza. And we wish Reb Dovid mazel tov on his 51st publication. And b'ezras Hashem, should be zocheh to have at least einai daynah mishneh shanah perek me'ah panim l- uh l-me'ah v'achas. So, this should be just the midway point. And you should have many happy and healthy productive years. And Hashem should mevarech you shefa bracha v'hatzlacha. V'malei Hashem kamon sal libcha l'tova. Thank you, Reb Gordon Halevi, for picking up the breakfast. Okay, Tu B'Av. Tu B'Av has become a day dedicated to being mispallel and focusing on shidduchim. So, first let's just give a little background to try to explain why that is. The Mishnah at the end of Maseches Taanis says, "Amar Rebbi Shimon ben Gamliel, lo hayu yamim tovim l'Yisrael k'chamishah asar b'Av u'ch'Yom HaKippurim." There were no more festive days for the Jewish people than the 15th of Av and like Yom Kippur. The Gemara says, "I understand Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the day of selichah u'mechilah. It's the day that the second luchos were given. But what's so special about Tu B'Av?" And the Gemara gives a number of different explanations. Number one, it's the day the shvatim were allowed to marry into each other. We know, because of the story of the b'nos Tzelafchad, they made a takanah not to marry one shevet into another. From here on, the shvatim were allowed to marry into each other. Or, according to Rav Yosef, Shivat Binyamin was mutar lavo b'kahal after the episode of Pilegesh B'Givah. Because of the story of Pilegesh B'Givah, they sort of condemned Shivat Binyamin. So, just off the bat, you see historically, there's something etched into the day that on this day new shiduchim were allowed. So, the shvatim were allowed to marry back into each other, or they were allowed to marry the Shivat Binyamin. Or, Rabbah bar bar Chanah said in the name of Rabbi Yochanan, it's the day that the Meisei Midbar stopped dying. It's the day that the Meisei Midbar stopped dying. So, you say that explanation for Tu B'Av does not seem to have any connection to marriage. So, let's develop this. What happened when the Meisei Midbar stopped dying? The pasuk says, "Vayidaber Hashem Elai. Elai hayah hadibur." Right? Cuz we know that Moshe Rabbeinu lost a certain level of divine communication because of the Meisei Hamidbar. Because the Meisei Hamidbar were in cherem, Hashem did not speak to Moshe Rabbeinu intimately. From Tu B'Av and on, Hashem spoke to Moshe Rabbeinu. Rashi says, "Until then, it was only b'chizayon laylah. It was b'gimgum. And now, it is peh el peh b'yichud v'chibah." So, you could say that from Tu B'Av and on, there was a a reunited union between Hakadosh Baruchu and Moshe Rabbeinu. Why? Because again, Tu B'Av is a day designated for union. So, even according to Rav Yochanan that the Meisei Midbar stopped dying, this is also reflective of a day appropriate for shiduchim. Or, Hoshea ben Ela abolished the centuries they were having been about put on the roads to prevent from being regular. Now could go up to Jerusalem. So Jerusalem is like is like our wife in a way, you know. Jerusalem is like a jealous co-wife some say for instance, you know, the earthquakes in Safed were caused by the jealousy of Jerusalem. So when they go and they're regular to Jerusalem, that's also a union of sorts. It's also like a divorce where coming back to Jerusalem. Or as it said that the Harugei Betar were buried to explain some say for instance in a chuva that on a person's yard site, the neshama has like a wedding with its with its creator in heaven. But we know the neshama does not rise completely until the day of Kabura. Okay. Then the says it's the day they stopped cutting wood for the Maracha. So what? So what? They stopped cutting wood for the Maracha. So now the Gershon says there's more time to learn. Now when you learn, learning is a marriage. I have to say I don't know my shot. My Russia. I'll take him out my Russia out my Russia. So it's also a civic of sorts. Okay. In any event, Tu B'Av is dedicated for shidduchim. I have a safer called shidduch. Last year we learned from here 10 schools to get your fast. Maybe we're going to review that sometime. But I want to share with you this this is the Kanievsky and other on shidduchim. One important thing as divrei chizuk those awaiting their zivug. Many people they're they're awaiting their zivug, they look around and other other boys in their class or other girls in their seminary they went quicker than they did and the sometimes people start to think, "Okay, so what's wrong with me? You know, what's what's my issue? Is it my personality? Do I need to get Do I need to lose weight? Is it You know, like what do I need to do? What's my problem? Why am I not going?" And Rav Chaim Kanievsky says, chas v'shalom to do that. We have emunah shleimah that whatever happens to us in this world is gzeirah min haShamayim. One should not attribute any physical reason, any natural reason for why some go quicker and some go slower. Now, he says it's obvious it's obvious, but especially when it comes to shidduchim, people fall into the trap of thinking, "Okay, so what's wrong with me?" A person should have emunah shleimah, right now it's a gzeirah min haShamayim l'toiv l'toivsam, for their benefit. Now, does that mean they shouldn't do hishtadlus? Of course they should do hishtadlus. Of Should they go to a dating coach? They should go to a dating coach. Should they lose weight? They should lose Whatever the physical things are usually done should be done. But not chas v'shalom to think that that's the reason. In other words, of course you should make every possible hishtadlus, but not to think that this is the reason why this happened. One should not feel in any way inadequate or that there's any issue at all with them. You have some people who are one would objectively say they're the most undesirable and they go right away. And you have some people who you would objectively say have, you know, they have all the goods and for whatever reason it doesn't happen right away. So, of course the person should um try to fulfill all the various hishtadlus. Nevertheless, one should not attribute it to that. So, I want to share with you Shailos U'Tshuvos uh from Rav Chaim Kanievsky about the inyan of zivugim. You know what? We'll play a little game. Okay? I'll ask you the question and let's see what you say. And then we'll hear what Rav Chaim says. Okay? Here we go. The Gemara in Sotah says on daf beis, "Amr Rav Yehudah Amar Rav, Arba'im yom kodem yetziras havlad, 40 days before a person's creation, a before a person's really formation, bas kol yotzei v'omeress, "Bas Ploni l'Ploni." So, ask they asked Rav Chaim, "So, why should you daven for a shidduch? If there's anything in this world that's preordained, it's your zivug." So, "Bas They They announce, 'Bas Ploni l'Ploni.'" In other words, every boy has their designated girl. So, why daven? What's the tachlis of davening?" What do What do you say? Um da Bas ain mashgichin al bas Ain mashgichin al bas kol. Oh. We don't You're right. We don't pay attention to it. Meaning, if it says Reuven to Leah, that that Reuven doesn't have to go marry Leah, but it's still Reuven isn't Reuven designated for someone? So, I would say simply, of course, Reuven is designated for Leah, but doesn't mean Reuven will be smart enough to tell the shadchan yes. Reuven may be dumb and call the shadchan, "No, I don't like this girl." Why not? I don't know. Because uh my friend told me that, you know, that there's a better one down the block. Reb Sherira Gaon So, so, you know, the Bas Kol said Reuven to to Leah, but the guy was was a fool. So, you have to daven that you do the right thing. Reb Sherira Gaon says the same thing. Uh another thing is, right, Reb Miller has a famous seite that Hashem decrees that Reuven should be for Leah, but nevertheless, nothing could come to completion unless you daven. It says Baruch Gaon U'Machain. It says Gaon U'Machain. Sorry, it's 270. Hashem decrees, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it it's carried to fruition. Says Reb Chaim, yes, it's true, Bas Ploni L'Ploni, but maybe maybe it means Reuven will marry Leah when Reuven is 73 and Leah is 69. So, therefore, you need to daven that he should marry her when he's Shmona Esrei L'Chupa and she's 15 and 1/2. Okay. Next question. The Gemara says in Bava Kamma, anyone who's Mevakesh Rachamim on his friend and you need that thing, you're answered first. Right? That's a klal. Anyone who's Mevakesh Rachamim for his friend. So, in other words, if let's say a person needs parnassah, so they should daven for Ploni who needs parnassah and Hashem will answer them before Ploni. Now, the question is, let's say a person davens for their friend that Hashem, I want my friend to get married before me. Who will get married first? Let's say you're davening Hashem, Reuven needs a shidduch, I need a shidduch, and Reuven needs a shidduch. Let's say you're davening Reuven should get married first. What will happen first? Says Rav Chaim, you'll get married first. Okay? Next. Let's say you're davening for you and your friend. You Let's say you need a refuah. So you're davening Hashem heal me and heal Ploni. When you daven, who should you daven for first? Should you first daven for yourself or should you first daven for Ploni? Say Hashem, send a refuah or shidduch for Let's say the person's name is Leah. So then should Leah say, "Hashem, send a shidduch for Rivka and then for me, Leah." Or should they say, "For Leah, me and then Rivka." I think I I I made a mistake. Think about this. Says Rav Chaim, you always daven for yourself first. Chayecha kodem. That's the halacha. You always daven for yourself first. Let's say a person needs a shidduch or a parnassah. Which tefillah is more effective? A tefillah that they offer for themself or to go to the Godol Hador and the Godol should daven for them. So now Now we're not asking should you go to Godol Hador? Yeah, why not? Can't hurt. But which tefillah is more effective? Your Your own tefillah for yourself or the Godol Hador's tefillah for you? Says Rav Chaim Avada, your own tefillah for yourself is more effective than the Godol Hador's tefillah. Let's say you have an average bachur. He doesn't learn so well. And therefore he's is mediocre suggestions. Is it God's will that he should marry a mediocre match? He says that he should pray so that even though he's mediocre, he should get a very good match. Let's say you want to marry someone. Let's say you want to marry a specific girl. Could you ask God, "I want to marry her." No. should only pray that the match that's meant to be should come quickly. Never pray to marry something specific. Never pray to marry something I guess you know, uh they could get People they they could look better. They could get smarter. Yeah. I guess. Okay. Let's say I know I know a certain boy in the a guy in the show. He sits in the sixth row in the third seat. And I have a relative that I think would be just perfect for this guy. Am I allowed to ask God that this guy should marry my cousin? It's not a good way to ask God that way. It's a bad way. You can't Don't pray that any two people should get together. You just pray that this person should find their zivug that's destined for them. Next question. You have two sisters who are older and uh their friends got together and they're making a challah bake for them or they're doing they want to gather together uh and be mechazek for their zchus so that these two girls should get married. What should they be mekabel upon themselves in their merit? Should be mechazek in tefillah, says Reb Chaim. Okay. Where is it better to daven for shidduch? In Shma Koleinu or after Yiru L'vov Sein? Says Reb Chaim, bakashos are always best in Elokainu Tzar. So they asked, do you mean at the end of Elokainu Tzar? Before Yiru L'vov Sein? Reb Chaim says before Yiru L'vov Sein. Now, which Yiru L'vov Sein? Many people say I say Yiru L'vov Sein before Elokainu Tzar because sometimes I have to answer Kedusha then. But it seems like once you say Yiru L'vov Sein, you're sort of severing your personal bakashos. It's better if you have personal bakashos to say them in in Elokainu Tzar before Yiru L'vov Sein. Parents are asking, you know, we're not getting uh our daughter's not getting dates. What should we do? You should daven in Elokainu Tzar and you should say it with your mouth and not just think it. When you daven, you should say it. Don't just think it. Next question. At what age should you start davening for your children? For their shidduchim. Here, I'm giving you a few choices. When they get into seminary, when they get home from seminary, by their bas mitzvah. Rav Chaim says, a parent has to start davening when they're born. As soon as they're born. A bachur is a bar mitzvah boy. Should he start davening for a shidduch, or he shouldn't worry about these things until he's he's in the parsha? Says Rav Chaim, he should. He should daven for a shidduch from his bar mitzvah. Someone who his shidduch is taking a long time, and he davens, and he's not answered. What should he do? Says Rav Chaim, he should daven again. Like the Gemara says, im ra adam she-yispallel v'lo ya'aneh, ya'aseh v'yispallel, shenemar kaveh el Hashem, chazak v'ya'ametz libecha, v'kaveh el Hashem. When you daven for a shidduch, should you daven that it should come easy, or that it should come quick? Says Rav Chaim, you don't you don't daven that it should come easy. It doesn't come easy. The Gemara says it's it's kasha. So, don't daven that it should come easy. Daven that it should come quick. What's better, if you want a shul to daven by the kever of your father, or by the Kosel Maaravi? Says Rav Chaim, the Kosel Maaravi. The Gemara says, kasha zivugav shel adam k'krias Yam Suf. What's kasha? How can anything be hard for Hashem? Aren't things for Hashem easy? Says just like Krias Yam Suf, there are a lot of makatrigim, so too by zivugim there are a lot of makatrigim. Okay, this is a good one. You go out with a girl nine times and then you say no, she's not for me. Do you have to ask for mechila? Is there any hakpada? Do you have to be worried she'll be makpid? No. If you don't want to marry her, this is not the shidduch, that's min hashamaim. Mashal l'mad d'var d'me. Reuven met his friend in the street and he said, "Are you Shimon?" He said, "Shimon? My name's Levi." So now what? Reuven has to ask mechila? He has to be worried, Reuven has to be worried that that Shimon's makpid that that he's he's not Shimon? It's the wrong person. Should you ask the shadchan to ask the girl for mechila? No. Or let's say the girl dumps him after after 10 dates. No, the girl doesn't have to ask for mechila. Let's say you know that your neighbor, every time they call your neighbor, the neighbor is is interfering with the shidduch. Should you do anything about it? Says Rav Chaim, "E efshar l'kalkel shidduch mash nigzar min hashamaim, yeah, rak shelo yagiya hazman." May I'm not sure that we're on that madreiga not to do anything. If you know that your neighbor is ruining every shidduch, could be that on our madreiga we should put a different neighbor on the resume. Okay. Now, this is a interesting one. They bring in the name of the Gra. And Yael R. That when it comes to shidduchim, you should have bitachon. And hishtadlus is sha is is not is not worth anything. It's not like work. Work, you're not going to make money if you don't do hishtadlus. They bring in the name of the Gra. That when it comes to shidduchim, you should have bitachon in Hashem. Reb Zalman said that what does the Gra mean? Can't mean that you don't have to do any hishtadlus. Look, even Yaakov Avinu did hishtadlus. He didn't do a lot of hishtadlus. Like, he just showed up at a well and all of a sudden, you know, the the shidduch came. So, what does the Gra mean that when it comes to shidduchim, you should have bitachon? Reb Zalman meant not that you don't do any hishtadlus. Less hishtadlus is required than other things. Is that how Reb Chaim is that how you understand the Gra? Said Reb Chaim, yes. Now, this is a general question. His son or daughter did not get into the Yeshiva or the Bais Yaakov. That's the elite school. Should the parents try to push the kid into the school because it'll be better for shidduchim? What do you think Reb Chaim would say? No. It could be, he says, by going to the other Yeshiva, they'll get a better shidduch. You have a girl named Yenta. And she reached the age of shidduchim. And you're worried that maybe her name will not be the most appealing name. Should you have her name changed or a name added to her name? So the Ham you could add to her name. I will end with this. A boy meets a girl and he wants to know, "How can I know and have me talk on that she is my Ishida?" So the time when you get engaged to her then you'll know that she is your Ishida. Until that until then it's impossible to know. But once you say, "I want to marry you." then you could know that she is the Ishida designated you to for you in Ashima. Like people would ask Reb Miller, "How do I know I got my bashert?" So Miller said, "You know I feel the tomorrow you can marry 18 girls." So he says, "She's definitely one of the 18 bashert that you were supposed to marry. Of course she's bashert. I mean no probability she's definitely one of the 18." Anyway, so on this day of Rosh Hashanah should send all Yidden their Zivug Hagun the Mahira and they should be Zocheh to build nice Batei Ne'emanim b'Yisrael.