True HAPPINESS in marriage | Letter #17 of 30 Letters in 30 Days

all right good evening welcome to day 17 of 30 letters in 30 days as has become our custom we're going to give a little Saka first using the kabad pushka app for fun and excitement okay you can download the K kabad push Gap we put the link in the description below if you're watching on YouTube also if you are watching on YouTube please please please sub subscribe and turn on notifications it makes life easier for you you'll know every time we go live also it'll help me uh get more subscriptions I'm trying to reach 100,000 subscribers on my uh YouTube channel so you could help me out with that okay without further Ado I made a br earlier here's our letter Brooklyn Brom this is from the 10th day of the month of s uh summer of blessing blessings and greetings this is to a woman and um what do I know about her well what I'm able to figure out is she's uh serious about a young man and they would like to get married and that's really what the whole letters about Let's uh let's proceed I received your letter in which you write B what you were told in my name meaning somebody told this young lady something that the rebba had said and it's about the perspective match and you said in your letter to me that there are things that you agree with and things that you don't agree with and therefore it would just be coercion all right I'm going to try to fill this in from what is apparent here the young lady appears not to have come to a place of full commitment to a Jewish Home as dictated by Ala there are some aspects that she's comfortable with some aspects she's not comfortable with um I don't know what kind of a background she comes from something tells me that she comes from a Torah observant home but she's not fully committed to all aspects of Torah observance in the home that she's going to be building in her married life so somebody conveyed to her that they spoke to the rebba and the rebba outlined what it requires to have a a Jewish Home and she wrote back to the debba and said this is what these people told me that the debba said and I can agree with some of it and some of it I don't agree and if I would have to do it it would be Kia it would be coercion meaning if that's what you want me to do you know I I could force myself but just so you know I don't I don't agree with this okay seems like the the the boys level of Yiddish kite is much uh Stronger and there's sort of an incompatibility a religious or spiritual incompatibility uh issue here and there's also the issue with the girl basically not really wanting to grow um I'm I'm gathering all of that from the letter which you'll see and if you disagree with my assessment that's fine you'll let me know V okay this whole approach it's not right and it's it's not appropriate when you're trying to start up a new life so the rebba is correcting her entire premise like your whole approach right now is not conducive to beginning a successful married life it's obvious that everybody wants to have a happy life and a happy life depends both uh it's an interesting expression uh qualitatively and quantitatively so a a a happy life depends on specifically exclusively on the king of all Kings the Holy One Blessed Be he the question is not what does the person want and what does he not want but rather it's about understanding the what and the whom the happiness depends upon meaning Hashem and under what conditions one can hope for true happiness in other words the Reb is saying I'm trying to help you out here you want to start a new life you want to get married set up a home you want to be successful you want to have a happy life your whole attitude of picking and choosing of deciding well this works for me this doesn't work for me which by the way it's fine to be honest and say there are things that appeal to me and things that don't appeal to me things that are harder for me things that are easier for me that's fine to make that as a statement but then to take your opinion of it and like to say well I'm GNA follow my opinion so if I don't like it or if it doesn't speak to me or I'm not feeling it so I'll pass like that's not not the approach trying to uh curate a life based on personal preferences ironically does not lead to fulfillment but rather making a commitment to doing what Hashem wants completely whether it's things that you like things that you don't like and somewhere in between that's the key to true happiness [Music] now I told so and so um some male I don't know who it is K shakan when he was here yeah and and it might be the guy who she is looking to marry it may be one of his relatives it may be one of her relatives I'm not really sure but I told so and so when he was here that a person's wife can either be an AER or a k right in the in the tit when it talks about kava being made as a wife for Adam so it describes her as AER K AER means a help K means opposite a help opposite so lashi says she could be an AER she could be help or keg she could be an opposite an opposite means an antagonist so she can help her husband and give him a much greater life than he could have on his own or she could be an antagonistic force in his life and undermine his life God forbid and give him a much worse Life That's The Power of the woman although it's really hard to know ahead of time with 100% certainty how the relationship's going to be for decades to come right it's very hard to predict that a crucial aspect to consider is the relationship between the young couple how they consider each other's perspectives before marriage okay so it's it's really hard to know to predict ahead of time what the relationship is going to be like as it unfolds over decades but a good indication is to look at how they are now before they get married and how they regard each other's um hashas how they regard each other's worldviews V of lav as and therefore this is something needs to be clarified by you or anybody else who wants to get married as much as possible in other words really important to speak about values and the compatibility of your values and having some type of mutual understanding and mutual respect for each other's values so it's not just about um liking each other being socially compatible attraction these things are important obviously these are things that we consider I'm not discounting them but what I'm saying is um that AB is pointing out to her you really need to make sure you're on the same page as far as values because it seems here that for whatever reason she's decided she likes this guy she wants to get married to him but he's looking for a very different life than what she is looking for in terms of value values and that I is saying that's going to present the problem not just a yish kite problem but a happiness problem that's going to make it very unlikely to to have a a successful relationship okay now regarding him um I told him basically he he shouldn't concealed any conceal anything from about his about his Hasa about his worldview about the way he views life uh and I and I told him he should tell you straight up how what his hashkafa is what his ideology is and find out how you feel about it right there's no point here um just sort of agreeing and making nice and pretending everyone's on the same page because the dev was saying I I think you're in for a surprise like this is not what he really believes maybe what he's telling you or leading you to believe is is based on his desire to please you or to you know not make waves to let things sort of move along and progress along towards towards marriage but there's some real values in incompatibility over here so I told him tell you the truth and get your reaction your honest reaction if you are going to go ahead like you wrote in your letter you already told me in your letter this is your intention you said it very clearly to conduct your life according to your own desires and not to consider hashem's Commandments which he gave to every Jewish individual man and woman well if that's your attitude moving forward you need to very carefully consider the whole question of marriage not just this sh not just well maybe this guy's to from for you like you need to stop and and consider whether you're ready for marriage at all if your attitude toward life right now is based on catering your personal preferences and not considering what the right thing the objectively moral thing as dictated by hashem's holy Commandments has has has informed us um I I I wouldn't call this like a harsh tone but it's a ve it's very blunt it's very direct yeah it is very direct um the reban knows his customers he knows who he's speaking to he also understands the situation so you know for this person at this time uh apparently the direct approach was required I know some of us are reading this myself included and being like I'm having secondhand like it's beyond cringe it's like secondhand like I'm having anxiety here reading this because I'm imagining what would I have done to write a letter to the debit that would have garnered that kind of response and it's like I I obviously be uh a little ashamed of myself right um yeah so but I I I don't want this to be triggering for anybody I don't want to be anxiety inducing but yeah that EBA is telling her as it is like the attitude which you have disclosed to me she wrote it very clear appar apparently she wrote it very clearly to him in in the letter that like look here's what I'm okay with here's what I'm not okay with here's what I'm going to do here's what I'm not going to do if they try to force me to do anything that I don't want to do yeah you know they could force me but I I don't really want to do it and the Deb is saying I hear you but do you understand how unlikely it is to have a successful life if you persist with that that attitude VAV and Sh since so and so redacted nameless I think it means the young man that she wants to marry that's probably what it is he wants to know my opinion he wants my as he wants my my my agreement okay so this boy you want to marry is coming to me and asking me to sign off on this on this uh and also he wants my he wants my BR he wants me to give I'm ready to sign off on this I'm ready to agree to this with a a full heart with a full heart when I see it's interesting doesn't say if I see but when I see the maximum possib maximum possible hope that they will have a happy life like no I am not going to sign off on something that I think is not going to work out well for you I no I'm not going to just go along with this when I think it's going to make you both unhappy remember that deba sets up the premise from the beginning we all want a happy life we all want a happy life what's a happy life ironically counterintuitively a happy life is not what you think it is to try to curate all your preferences and all the things you like and what you're comfortable with and to avoid anything that you don't like Ah that's a happy life no actually that's not how reality Works a happy life is to live an alignment with the will of the Creator the says in many places that what does it mean what the Z says looked into the to and created the world used the word the English word blueprint the TOA is the blueprint for the world and what that means is the world was created based on TAA it's not that there's a world and it exists already and now we need rules oh comes toy and gives us some rules how to live in the world no no no toy exists before and then the world is created as a as a forum within which toyra can become expressed on a uh on a physical level and if that is so then it's impossible that the realities of the physical world would be in conflict with their very design as embodied in Torah so don't tell me that I have to choose between Torah observance and a happy life that's a false dichotomy this you find this this in many letters of the Reb it's not true like a person who would for instance say um I have to either keep chabas or make money now some people would say yeah yeah yeah be M and neish you're right you're gonna have to make a choice money or shabas if you be a good Jew choose chabas the DEA won't say that the DEA will say what are you talking about shabas is the sinner for the parnos I mean I've seen letters like this or I've seen other letters about a beard where someone will say if I have a beard I won't get a good because in those days you know the girls thought it was weird we saw letters like this from the 50s where it was considered radical or wild or whatever and the debba wrote I've seen letters where theb will say no no no you don't get it the beard will bring the best sh and and many many examples like this um where you think I have to I have to decide between doing what hasem wants um or having a good life and then I was saying no no that's that actually it's not this or that it's this and that because when you do what Hashem wants you are following the reasons for which the world was created in the first place then obviously it's going to work out better now are there n does it sometimes occur person does the right thing and he has challenges from at the beginning yeah of course that happens and we have and there's a there's all types of things that make it that it's not always a smooth linear path but ultimately in the long term and if you're talking about marriage and setting up a life and you're talking about a long-term plan when you build your life based on hashem's plans and on hashem's preferences not your preferences that's that's going to be a successful happy life okay so the debba says I will not sign off on your misery basically in so many words I'm only going to sign off on this and give a braa with a full heart when I see the maximum possibility for happiness right um and when is a happy life possible only when they set up their life based on and this is by the way the language of the Reb letter that is uh a blessing of mazeltov to H and kala when a BRI and groom are engaged and they set their date for their wedding this is the letter that's read at every HOA and uh by the way I was last week I was at AA I don't I'm in the year right now for my morning for my for my father sham um so I don't go to Weddings But I can go toas and I read a letter at a at AA uh last week and Soto um yeah should I reveal this I don't know if I should reveal this you know that officially like what's a considered a big ke by the you know Shas The Last of the Shas um you know that's considered the big keyboard bashem I don't think anybody realizes the biggest keyboard is reading the's letter so if anybody ever gives me an opportunity to read the dev's letter to HOA I always I mean unless I unless it's impossible it's basically an offer that I cannot resist the biggest cu but most people don't realize that they think the is the biggest CU but we'll let them keep thinking that okay at any rate um in the Reb the the formula the words that the Reb uses to bless and kala when they get engaged so it's it's exactly these words which is I don't know if I'm making stuff up here but you know it I'm feeling like I'm getting a little bit of Hope over here cuz the deba said he's ready to of sh with a full heart when I see the maximum possibility for happiness and it's almost like the debba saying like I've got your I got I have your letter ready it's like I don't know I'm making this up but it's the of the that the gives to the is not giving them that but he's saying you should in the of the the blesses the couple that they should set up their home Al is um over here that I've been saying it as a as a a statement when you'll set it up according to this this is what will make make it the maximum possibility for uh success at any rate it seems almost like it's a you know it's like the check is filled out I got the amount I've got the date I just got to sign it you know when you're ready when you're ready to do what you got to do I'm ready to sign the check that's that's how I took it whatever who knows if I'm making it up but it's gave me a little tingle to read those words very special words just reminds me of's letter yeah um now it says it a little bit different because here say the way that they're stated in and in I guess maybe here the didn't want to say kept it more basic like okay can we just conduct according to I read this already and not according to the way that a person will say this detail I'm okay with and that detail I'm not okay with um because the there um promises that that if you follow the ways that he's instructed that's what guarantees a good life blessing and success if you follow any other path you're not guaranteed success very powerful the dev says I am not able I'm not able to accept upon myself the responsibility so powerful to be a participant in something like this where one side is saying um that they don't want and cannot guarantee um what they're going to be doing and that if they have to make such a promise it would be forced it would be against their will so that I was like I can't do that I can't be part of that like it's not a formula for success I don't want to be I don't want to be involved in this I can't I cannot be involved in this so powerful so powerful now we get more specific about one of the issues she was objecting to now um if someone claims that they cannot compromise on certain issues like covering their hair whether with a or with a wig like the is not demanding any specific way of covering the hair but just covering just covering the hair just and it doesn't make a difference to this person even if it means jeopardizing their happiness and the happiness of their of their life partner for decades like that was kind of calling our attention to how cold that is like you're not you're not ready to do something I get that you don't want to do it I get that it's not easy for you but you're not ready to do something uh that by not doing this you're compromising you're jeopard izing you're putting at risk your success and happiness in life and your and your life partner this person that you supposedly care for wow person like that lacks a sense of responsibility and a and a and appreciation for what it means to share a life and how it's worth giving up on even more important things for having a uni a United and and happy life like do you understand that it's not just about the covering the hair it's like this is indicative of an overall attitude that you're showing a lack of understanding for what it means to live a shared life and to make sacrifices for each other to be selfless the canal as as explained above to Mitzvah and that is only possible happy life is only possible for a Jewish person uh Jewish couple through to and Mitzvah very very like unequivocal want a happy life this is the formula there's no way around it this is what it [Music] is I love it such a beautiful I mean the took her to task a little bit over here but the ends with and it's a beautiful May Hashem Grant you the wisdom to to recognize the right way in life and to make a decision that's good for you see that is again it's like I want you to be happy I want you to be successful I want you to have a good life I'm not trying to be mean here I'm trying to help you here so to make a decision what's good for her but by good true good and what is that true good is I'm not telling you to have the spiritual instead of the material again this is what I was saying before it's a false dichotomy to say I have to follow TOA or have a good life no no no that's how you have a good life is following so true good means and material and spiritual and the truth is you cannot have one without the other and I think that means of both directions meaning you can't have good material success without doing things in the spiritually correct way but I also think that means it the other way which is and by the way you can't do things spiritually correctly if you don't also have a healthy material life a healthy material life not an not an indulgent material life but meaning once the Jewish Family should have a nice home and have nice things and live comfortably like that the GM is very important that that's so you have to have both uh signed by the secretary very very very powerful letter um very clear very very clear message and um yeah this should be a a guide to all of us who are getting married who are married who want to stay married and to have a successful happy life