Trauma Is Emotional Murder

today there's a word that goes around a lot but it's often misused it's called trauma we've all heard the word i don't know if a few years ago anybody even knew what it means but sometimes it's misused actually in very inappropriate ways somebody says i'm traumatized because the taxi did not come i'm traumatized because i'm late to the bar mitzvah i'm late to the wedding i said you're not traumatized you're annoyed real trauma is something else trauma is murder drama is spiritual murder the posix says impartial that when somebody abducts a woman and violates her the terrorist says the toyota makes this comparison not me the only place to tell you to compare something to murder this means murder happens on different levels does khalilah physical murder there's another type of murder murder is when i steal somebody's eye when i steal your soul i steal your identity we know today that children especially children who have been through certain experiences of physical sexual abuse i'm talking about real real experiences of abuse when i say real we don't know exactly what real means because there can be so many different responses in a person's psyche for example if somebody has been really hurt by their father in terrible terrible ways but they had a mother that they can speak to and they received a lot of love and a lot of comfort so as bessel van der kalke says real trauma is about the isolation of it it didn't just happen i'm alone and it reaffirms my aloneness in the world it reaffirms that i have nobody in the world and if i have nobody in the world i don't want to blame my father so i blame myself i must be such a despicable person and that's why i feel so horrible about myself and that's why i'm so self-conscious and that's why i can't trust myself and that's why i'm so queasy and that's why i'm so weird nobody helped the child identify we're the real source of their inadequacies coming it's not because you are bad it's because somebody murdered you there's also situations that the brain shuts down the memory it's too painful to look at so my brain says it never happened because the brain is trying to protect me our brains are amazing so the entire memory is only on a subconscious level consciously i don't know about it so now i'm feeling creepy i'm feeling weird i'm feeling strange i don't know the truth that somebody did something to me that stole my eye so what do i say i'm a really really weird weird person and i start believing it and then if i believe it of course everybody believes it because everybody sees the truth so now what happens i'm not just a grasshopper everybody knows that i'm a grasshopper i can't ask anybody for a favor me dirty creepy filthy weird abnormal meshugan herself i should ask you for a favor i'm not even have an opinion i have to become an eternal people's pleaser i always have to make sure that i don't step out of the line i always toe the line because i could never stand out because if i stand out what might happen somebody might say hey who's that they may notice me and if they notice the real me oh my god that's the tragedy of the century because that eye is the most disgusting thing that ever lived all i can afford is to show up to life with an external me with a bubble with a facade i had a teacher he was somewhat of an absent-minded professor and in those days he would smoke a lot and he once went into the wax museum in london winston churchill was holding a cigar he was mama she was in his own world so he goes over to churchill and he asks them for a match to light the cigarette so the wax museums they're amazing and sometimes what if a person becomes that person of wax i have this whole image like a stuffed doll i'm stuffed up i look real i know what to do because i learned from society what to do but internally i'm not present i disassociated for myself can you understand the depth of the tragedy that this person is dealing with i walk around the world and i'm constantly imagining i feel it i feel it in my bones what you think about me hashem says this hurts because what this means is i'm now projecting on the entire world everyone sees me as an imposter everyone sees me as a loser everybody knows that i'm a criminal everybody knows that i'm unworthy i never heard it from anybody but even if they give me a compliment that's just superficial i'm living in a completely alternate reality the compliments are also distorted the feedback is distorted why because the tools through which i perceive reality are not tools that are coming from my authentic beautiful self their tools of trauma [Music] the yeshiva.net