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parenting has changed
in the 50s and 60s parenting for members
of our community members of the
religious Jewish World across the
country in the 50s and 60s parenting was
just survival
keep your job
stay in a home
have a house and don't be evicted
in the 70s and 80s as we got our legs
beneath us
many of the parents were children of
either Holocaust Survivors or War
veterans and what became the mode and
the focus of being a great parent was
discipline and many people in this room
remember their parents were
disciplinarians and that's what it was
about and this is my word and that's
what I said and the reason you do it is
because I said so
and then we started to watch
as kids slowly started to fade you'd
have a boy in this family a girl and not
family that family that was perfect the
other family though is completely
religious you'd watch kids all of a
sudden lose the path
and in the 90s and 2000s parenting
became about love and all of a sudden
even the teachers in schools and the way
parents were all hugging their kids and
caring about them and I love you and I'm
there for you and I'm caring so
parenting went from survival to
discipline to love
and all three of those concepts are
incredibly relevant today everyone still
is in survival mode children still need
incredible amount of discipline and they
definitely need your care and your love
but in the last 10 years
parenting has changed and there's a new
quality that every parent needs to bring
for every child whether they're two
years old or 40 or 50 years old
what your children need now
is to be understood
they need to feel like you get it
because the challenges of 40 years ago
was physical burdens our kids today
don't have that many physical burdens
all of what they are carrying is up here
and they need a mother and a father not
just a mother and a father that gets it
and understands them and spends the time
and puts in the energy to get what's on
their mind what are you struggling with
what do you like why do you like it why
is that a struggle so many parents
especially busy ones come home and see
their daughter care about something or
their son if there's a bunch of nonsense
and you'll come over to your kid you're
like who cares about the Rangers it's
useless the point
and you make comments like that and you
make lines like that and the daughter
will be jealous of his classmate and
you're like who are you jealous of other
kids who cares about that we're blessed
it's nonsense to worry
and you don't realize what you're doing
to your child
has your kid ever told you
you lived in the olden days
what they're saying to you is you don't
get me and because of that I have no
plans of ever getting you you don't
understand me so why should I spend time
in understanding you you don't know what
I'm dealing with you don't know my
struggle you don't know my joy you don't
know what I appreciate you don't know
what my friends are thinking about you
don't understand what it feels like to
be a child in 2023 if you don't get me
why should I listen
and I'm going to give you one little
example from the Torah and conclude and
leave it to the professionals
wanted to bless his son esav
and he blessed him
and he said I'm going to bless you if
you go and get me meat
could you imagine that it's one of the
most perfect people to ever live
do you think that he cares about meat
imagine if you went to Israel yourself
he said I need a blessing he says I need
a steak first
avino is saying I need meat he loved his
son the basuk says
because meat was in his mouth what does
that mean
the answer is this
is appreciated meat because he knew
that's what his son appreciated and if
that's what you like and that's what you
care about then I'm going to show you I
appreciate that too
last night
I spoke in Lakewood New Jersey
to 600 parents that are very yeshivish
and very very religious
and one father came running after me
after the speech he said Rabbi my son is
16 years old
and I don't know what to do he's on his
iPhone he never stops he loves music
I said you know what you need to do you
need to learn music
and appreciate his music and ask him
questions your kid is a sports fan ask
him why they what what happened tonight
how'd the Knicks play what round are
they in how is it going
your kid's listening to a song take an
airpod it doesn't have to become one of
them and be exactly like them and get on
the floor with them but you need to get
it I need to know what they're
struggling if they feel like you
understand them then they will want to
understand you so the goal of tonight is
to be a parent that gets it knows the
struggles knows the challenges knows the
what knows the why understands what
motivates them or what makes them tick
because parents that don't in so many
years of being involved with your
children I can't tell you how many times
when you look around and you say does
this parent even understand you
literally left a empty house on
Thanksgiving weekend and you have no you
can't imagine what your son is going to
do there you think they took the empty
house to learn gamara like what are you
thinking what are you thinking when you
accept her son is hanging out with those
friends and your daughter's doing going
to those places you need to know what's
happening in those places you need to
know what's motivating them what's
inspiring them what gets to them what
draws them and what creates the struggle
nothing guarantees safety the only thing
that guarantees safety is God
but we can change the odds and we could
give our children a better chance
and children that come from a home where
both the mother and the busy father
spend time and energy to get them
appearance and children that have a much
better chance of getting their parents
and following exactly what you want and
having the confidence and the courage
when they're put in that position to say
no thank you
