Torah LA

[Music] um [Applause] they still remember did you bring it oh okay [Music] nice yes is over the last few years um basically all of all of have been depleted because everybody is learning all that in a very beautiful way and i'm saying that tongue-in-cheek but it's incredible it's incredible and in particular everybody has like who's your favorite magic shirt is it like the quiktar or is it right bernstein or is it we have not too many yiddish speakers here and so we always have nothing in that but and just in general the sense of finding the halls and being there for the people of course nc is why because the clash royale so much so much and without a question of the howard is the the voice that people and the thinker that people can relate to and connect with and it's a very big source that we have such a wonderful vibrant organization that's run by such an incredible leader manukin and we know that there are many many people listening and they they they follow his words in a very beautiful way you should be talking about this and have continued [Music] i know you have to leave you should leave um i want to know that the space marriage thinks of everything is meaningful and symbolic there are two clocks in this room one of them which the speaker sees and one of them which the audience is the one which the audience sees keeps moving one which the speaker says stand still that's perfect it's accurate no that's another way it works all the time okay um we're talking here a little bit about building with building resilience families and i want to share with you i want to begin by sharing with you a uh a madrish a comment in the madrich which which is such a beautiful and elegant framing of of this issue and specifically specifically something to think about as we as we approach uh the yum tiv of conversation between family members between parents and children the which is built around the levinka the madras says that when hashem first appeared to moshe to begin the process of taking the jewish people out of mexico so you know he appeared to him at the burning bush and moshe was walking through the desert and he sees the burning bush and he goes to go and look and to see what's what and uh a voice comes out to call moshe avenue to gain mons attention if i appear to him in a big loud voice i'll scare him if i appear to him in a very soft voice both on about he'll just walk past it he won't pay attention to it what voice should i use that won't scare him away or that won't be too modest too soft that he will ignore how do i strike the perfect the perfect balance [Music] he appeared to him with the voice of his father and the voice of the father the voice of the parent is supposed to strike the perfect balance a voice that won't be ignored and a voice that won't scare off and so he appeared to him the madrid gets it from the fact [Music] the first thing is i'm the god of your father the god of afraco it's an amazing characteristic or an ideal of what a parent's voice is supposed to stand for which is significant enough that the child won't walk past it but not so overwhelming that the child will be scared and need to need to step back to strike that perfect balance it seems incredibly incredibly fitting that in this story which initiates the process of itse the process which we remember and the process which we have to tell our children the story of on the one night when parents don't outsource educating their children that's the night when we sit around the table and we have a mitzvah you should teach it to your children and for that we build schools and we hire teachers and reviews we have the mitsubi without using any agent any middle person any any any uh any outsourcing so we do the same and it's the night when of hidato chauvin of milando when a parent is supposed to communicate with the specific understanding of the nature of the child of the specific temperament of the child and this is when we need that magic this is when we need to have that voice that's significant enough that it is heard that the other party is attentive to but at the same time not so soft that it would be ignored and moshe abeno's initiation of the story comes with a reflection on the absolute sweet spot that only a parent's voice is able to some degree to to to attain when we speak about resilient families when we speak about resilient anything anybody what are the ingredients of resilience what enables somebody who goes through something of difficulty to be able to withstand it to be able to bounce back from it to be able to deal with adversity however it strikes and yet to continue social science identifies factors factors which hashem i think speak well for the structure of our community of the jewish community of the orthodox jewish community factors that build resilience our faith faith in god a factor that builds that builds resilience is existing within a strong and supportive structure when one has supportive family support of community that's these are intensely important factors in being able to determine resilience and finally another critical factor of towards resilience is when one has higher and broader goals if life is defined by the things that are so to speak at eye level the things that we see right here so if heaven forbid one of them is lost or radically changes then it seems like everything is lost when one sees things in terms of a bigger picture that the things that are at eye level are circumstances rather than the purpose itself a person who sees a bigger goal and a greater goal in life so that that goal will survive a job change a a a trauma a loss of virtually any kind so we can talk about all of them we can talk about faith in god and its importance it's a staple of our lives we could talk about living for higher goals and purposes which is also also must be a staple of our lives such that again any change of circumstance won't destroy it but when we're talking today i would like to focus on the support system and not so much on the communal support system but specifically on the familial support system we're talking about building resilient families we should talk about internally what we're able to do what we're able to do ourselves what we're able to do ourselves you know when we think about loss of comforting mourners personal elena loses a relative so what we decide is most comforting is that yeah the shakhtar spoke a few minutes ago but you know they they walk the gauntlet you know they walk through the shura people on both sides come and wish them the right words say to them the right words offering words of comfort the the uh people come many many people come to visit to converse so we know that there's there's a lot of wisdom and there's a lot of therapeutic value that could be present in all of that it would that at seem core at the core of nikola veiling is a simple concept that one may have lost something big there may be a certain void but all is not lost when others come then the person understands what they have that there's a shift from just focusing on the space of what is lost to understand what they have there's a halocha that says that in avil anyone loses a relative they're not allowed to eat suda reshaina the first meal they can't eat michelle they can't eat of their own what we call the sudas havra the the meal which is supposed to somehow restore the oven to a certain degree we're sometimes you know very much like will get up and make themselves a cup of coffee we seem to sometimes view that as like a capital a capital offense of some kind it's not a halacha for the whole week people do it they send food the whole week it's a beautiful thing it's part of this it's an expansion of this but the fundamental thing is that you can't you can't have the first meal of your own and and again a certain sense that's what's being legislated the person lost something they face a gap and what we have to make sure is that now they feel what they have that there's someone there that's looking out for them and providing it for them and we've shown in in in some of the early commentaries they interpret a famous verse this way the pasuk says you are children to hashem your god don't tear your flesh don't pull out your hair over the over a loss so what does that mean you're children of god and therefore you shouldn't do this there are different interpretations rashi speaks of that you have an image of god you shouldn't scar it you know whatever the grief but others say others amongst the rich on them say that the idea is that the person could feel that they've lost everything they lost a relative somebody who's dear to them and we tell them you lost something significant but every human being we're all children of god and god cares about us so in a sense a mitigating factor to us is to recognize who we still have and that's a critical tool of resilience as people face difficulty as people face challenge to understand who they have it's there for traumatic loss a traumatic loss isn't just where a person in one's life disappears sometimes where it's faith in a person that disappears sometimes when it's a person it's a person's own self-confidence own self of its identity of self that to some degree seems to have eroded or been lost like with many of the confusing issues that young people and not just not such young people face today where we lose our bearings for them for us for such situations the idea that there are significant anchors strong handrails that the person is still able to hold onto that they're indeed not left alone that's critical it's critical for the person to be able to not just maintain resilience but go beyond i read once many years ago a fascinating piece a fascinating article was an article in the in the in the in the i guess around here you have to say the new york times and other places you say the times right here right and this was article in the in the in the new york times where they where they they as they were you know doing the genome sequencing they identified a resilience gene they identified a resilience gene that if a person has this gene so to speak that's on they would be more likely to be able to bounce back from trump interesting yeah so we say okay here's how you build resilient families go to a lab right and get them to switch your gene your gene sequence now listen to it listen to what they discovered they said that that resilience gene in fact is impactful with two people with identical circumstances one has the gene one doesn't have the gene there will be a difference but the gene or the difference made by the gene is completely compensated for in terms of resilience if the person has someone to whom they feel that they're able to turn two people experience coming from the same context they did study is the stuff that the story featured a pair of twins who were not identical twins who had all the same context and everything else but one had it and one didn't have it and the ability that someone has where they feel they have someone to turn to post as they're experiencing the like the trauma the difficulty erased the impact of the gene which means that what we could do for each other by being there for each other where the person feels that they have someone to whom they can share they can express what's going on what's their feeling what's in their mind what their what what they're going through is the ultimate solution it overcomes whatever internal internal deficiencies we might have and that tells us that our obligation i mean what is a lesser term our obligation for members of our family and specifically and especially for our children is to make sure that they feel that they have somebody to turn to that they're not scared as in the big heavy voice oh my goodness if i tell my parent what i'm struggling with if i tell them that i just tried this or that i'm finding myself hooked to that or that i'm having this question about myself or my identity they are going to go ballistic they're going to get angry with me or they're going to be so confused and so embarrassed they won't be able to talk to me so we just then imagine let's speak always in the positive if we don't if we're beyond that if we can make it that we can be approached we can be approached then we're introducing to their lives the key ingredient better than the gene of resilience my parent is someone who i can turn to when there's something which is on my mind when there's something that i'm going through and they won't be phased now between me and you of course will be faced of course my child can go through something like that the first time we encounter it could be the first time we encounter it it could be that even if it's not the first time that we encounter it but we hoped so much and we tried so hard that it wouldn't go this way that wouldn't turn out this way and all the confusing feelings which parents have when it comes to their children's success or failure the combination of absolute love and care for the child and at the same time how it plays into our own dreams and aspirations and you know our desire for a nicely polished trophy um you know represented by by by the children of course those are normal human reactions that each and every one of us would have ancilla it's not a question and we're not quote-unquote lesser people because of it just it's normal it's normal and it's human but we can't afford to let that be the the dominant feature or even if possible not even like a visible feature of how we're how we interact and how we relate we have to accept it and we have to say of course okay so i'm so so glad that you're you're telling me about this it's it's a it must be incredibly difficult incredibly challenging to express understanding and to just be welcoming there's nothing you know the gomorrah famously says right so it says when a person has a has a worry that's on their heart one of the ways to understand the verses they have to be able to share it with somebody somebody who's you know not an anonymous helpline but a person who you're connected to who's in with you for the long haul it's a key element of resilience and a key cova a key obligation that we have as uh as parents to be able to create that kind of environment where our children are going through something they have somewhere to turn and that somewhere is me that somewhere is me people sometimes feel it's not working they can't for whatever reason you know people have sometimes a little bit of a history with a specific child maybe now they want to try to adjust it to try to make it better you can't just snap your fingers and make it all disappear so we have to think and and strategize and say okay you know ideally every parent is approachable by every child about every possible subject but sometimes that's just not gonna be it's just not gonna happen and sometimes you know this child talks to the mother this child talks to the father and there's this this you know this dynamic going on that's okay you know so so so one could be supportive to to ensure that they have somewhere to turn and sometimes you know because of whatever history that can't necessarily be rewritten it's not immediate that either parent is going to be someone that the child is going to confide in maybe there's too much fear or resentment or distance built built up that it's possible so then a parent can make sure still that the child has someone somewhere to turn they can strategize with their educational framework that who's the teacher who's the faculty member who's the counselor that this child connects to and somehow facilitate that relationship help that person understand how important they are to this child's future how much you need them encourage them and if necessary if necessary get out of their way you know make sure that that you know that that that is there but we need it everybody needs it resilience requires having some place to turn there are all kinds of things that people especially the young people in this very very confusing time i think somewhere in the title of this lecture was about a crazy world i think it's fairly accurate to characterize things that way right and and uh there are all kinds of things and everybody seeks company they seek support and if in what they're struggling with they don't feel that they can turn to us they turn to their peers who are going through the exact same stuff and not necessarily with solutions or strength but in fact you know to some degree you know the opposite to create that is vital it's the it's the oxygen of relationships and it's the core and the key ingredient of uh of of resilience in trying to to make ourselves approachable we have to become a person who's comfortable to to to speak to someone about something you know a subject which is never raised the child will have to imagine okay my parent is very compassionate maybe i can talk to them about that but perhaps we need to be proactive perhaps we need to be proactive and to some degree take take some leadership to control the narrative there are challenges which are very predictable from the world around us things which our kids are hearing about they're hearing about from the street they're hearing about it from their peers they're hearing about it from society around them it's so so often so many of these confusing things are are thrust in our faces that's the that's the nature of the of the culture and of the media and everything else that it's thrust in our faces so if we want to be that approachable parent it's very important that we not respond to things with anger that we make ourselves you know to to present as if we are the greatest ally but we also need to to be in the sugiya we need to be in the discussion the child could feel wet my parents you know i love them i could turn to them but most things without no idea if i'm gonna talk to them about this about about you know trying this drug or or you know identity questions or things like that and uh so we may need to take the lead let me let me let me not qualify that we need to take the lead we need to take the lead in such conversations and find within ourselves educate ourselves a little bit open the conversation to open the conversation and again it doesn't need to be necessarily that one has a dissertation to give on whatever the particular subject is if one just raises it you know the conversation and once upon a time there was so to speak the conversation which parents would have with their children and go and take the survey how many parents actually have that conversation with their children they don't they're afraid we are afraid to some degree as parents to raise these things and we can't be because why should they learn about it from the alternative sources it's not sensible it's not appropriate and it cuts us off as being an approachable resource we have in a certain way to lead the conversation to share with uh with understanding uh to begin with and it's it's it's an irreplaceable role of parents i irreplaceable as a drop of an exaggeration because again sometimes the parent won't do it to somebody else hopefully they'll have somebody else meaningful in their lives but it's a role which parents should play that's all which parents should play which they shouldn't answer on the same table that's the seder table which is where it's the one night in the year where we're surely fulfilling a table which is like a mizbayaf people sitting and omrimola of devetorah talking about matters of value around the seder table we need to lend from that to our regular table to our dinner table to our shabbos table where things can be discussed where issues are there to be entertaining and sometimes it's one-on-one sometimes it's just you know our like grapples with things and discusses things our parents is someone who's going to be able to approach us again very often it's way way better to do one-on-one when it comes to some of these extremely sensitive sensitive matters just because of the the the holiness so to speak that you still want to have you know to maintain the home to something as a sanctuary but just the idea that we do speak about things about things is is is so important to be able to create to be able to create this this dynamic there's a there's a story which has nothing to do with drugs or identity but it has to do with this idea of listening that it just i just love this story and and i credited to to to to my wife who found it and shared it and shares it consistently it's such a wonderful wonderful story levine was the salah of yerushalayim he was known as the tsaric of jerusalem and on on a certain friday afternoon he walked in to an establishment it was like a like a restaurant type so restaurant or or or a club type of an establishment on a friday afternoon with his hat and his beard and his frock or his strangle already was there shabbos he walks in on air of shabbos and and uh he sits down and he's sitting down he's looking around and the proprietor after a few minutes he sees he knows who's there he comes over to him and he says like what's going on why why is there rough here on earth champions he was used to you know people coming and saying gotta close your store with shabbos you know picketing and so on and so forth alright levine king says and i'm sitting and i'm looking at all these people coming in coming through the store after friday friday afternoon going into shabbos they're off they're coming they want to eat they want to buy it's unbelievable how difficult it might be must be for somebody to contemplate closing their store for shops how could you even think about it look at this look at all the activity it's really really so hard wherever i live got up and he went to davon in kabul's shabbos and after shabbos this fellow came to a very living and he said i closed my store you're the first person who approached me and understood the difficulty of the decision that i was facing that's the story that's the voice the right voice the approachable voice the voice of understanding that will ultimately ultimately get through ultimately get us through critical ingredients for resilient families for resilient individuals is that they have someone to turn to and it's our task our job to be that someone part of being that someone is that they know that we're there for them unconditionally that we're approachable that nothing they will say to us will faze us that will be so angry or embarrassed or whatever else it is that we won't be able to continue to be there for them as they face us and part of building that approachability is also that we remove our heads from our 20th century or from our little bubble of of of our own lives and try to be able to to be there in theirs in their struggles and what their and what they're inevitably the questions and challenges we say inevitably and then we will be the ones for them to turn to we will be the ones who will be you know the voice of the father the mother the voice of the parent that's just the right pitch just the right pitch taken seriously enough overwhelming and will fulfill we'll be able to have what elio anovi the mouth of the seder what he what his prophecy which will read the last words before pace is he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the parents it will take all of us to tango they'll take all of us to tango but with uh with that openness hashem we will come together to the kind of communication that will build resilient children families of each of us