Tips for Your Stress-Free Pesach Seder by Rabbi YY Jacobson

the yeshiva.net [Music] [Applause] [Music] last few days I received quite a few questions pertaining to PES and to the s specifically so I felt since this is m a few days before PES it would be most suitable and appropriate to address these timely and relevant questions I don't know if they're directly connected to basics of amuna really but if a encompasses all of life so somehow they're also connected to some of the questions were painful to read but as you know the objective here is not to address questions that are comfortable or questions like uh you know you have a good V for shabas but real questions that are on people's hearts and Minds real people's hearts and Minds so therefore we don't sh away from questions and uh all questions are honored and all people deserve the dignity that their questions should be listened to and answered I told you many times and I truly see this constantly one of the things that turns off so many people is that when they ask a question they're made fun of they're put down or they're screamed at if only the teacher or the parent or the educator would say I don't know I don't know just three words not even difficult I don't know it would be giving them the dignity that they're not crazy and they're not stupid and they're not horrible people so every question deserves dignity whatever the response is sometimes I know the response sometimes we don't know the response sometimes we could discover a response sometimes we have no answers but the dignity must be maintained the respect the coverus of a person so I say some of these questions are painful to read but I'm going to read them as they came in and try to address them to the best of my ability with God's grace pesak for me is associated with guilt I'm always feeling guilty I never feel that the say it was good enough that it was meaningful enough that it was inspiring enough I always feel that there has to be something more there's such a buildup to pesak and my whole life I learned that pesak is such a great night and yet I never live up to those expectations I always tell myself the S it was boring I was bored all my kids were bored I'm always bored I always feel it was never as uh FR and as religious as my father my mother I could never live up to all of their humas and stringencies even though I try and uh it just feels very empty always a let down at the end of the Seder could you maybe give me some advice and some perspective okay another question it's hard to write this but Rabbi I just want to address this with you and that is I have to say that growing up the most traumatic night of the year was PES night my father was angry obsessive no patience and full of dread and he made sure that all of us should suffer in the same way my poor mother was overworked she hasn't slept nights the whole Sader was basically torture if you did something wrong if you you spoke in the wrong way or in the wrong time or you did anything not that you weren't supposed to do the consequences were severe I despised it my siblings despised it I have to say that already two months before pesak I dread the holiday that's coming the energy in my house was so negative it was so horrible and I asked myself is this what Freedom looks like by the Jewish people woe unto us if this is the night of our Liberty the night of our freedom and then it came to stuffing our faces with matah and then with M and then with the sandwich and it was always not enough and not bitter enough and we had to finish all the cups of wine and I had to say everything and if I fell asleep it was the worst thing and the ha just went on and on and on and everybody had to speak and give over all of their teachings and all of their ver it made me sick it made me TR atiz I still despise it I do it out of root can I heal is there a different type of seder whoa anybody relates to this huh anybody Pat by the S used to at the S you don't even want to talk about it another question a very interesting question we've been doing the S apparently for more than 3,000 years shouldn't we reinvent it it seems to me that it's really boring I mean the same matah the same wine the same M the same reclining the same ver the same four Sons I think there are many more Sons than four sons and the same story again and again and again it's just very boring I don't feel part of it there's nothing meaningful about it okay another question somebody asked can you give maybe advice of how to make the S more meaningful and more interesting what should I do to prepare for it what should I not do to prepare for it what yes what not I'm going to read one more question I sit down by the S there always and I'm always judging Everybody by the table I'm judging my wife I'm judging my children I'm judging my guest nobody is good enough I feel anxious about them I look at them you're not doing this you're not doing this I always I make these comments but I know that there's a better way but somehow I grew up in a house where everything had to be perfect and I don't know how to respond differently so I also want everybody to be perfect and everything to be perfect but a Seder is never perfect even though it's called seder we all know that it's chaos so I get very judgmental and I get into a bad mood as a result what do you have any advice to me okay do we around another 10 or 15 letters in one way or another seeking advice about these issues some more benign some more sharp some more positive some more harsh some really negative some charming so I would like to address them all the writers first of all thank you for sharing and thank you for sharing cidly I don't know if you're sitting in this room not all of you sign your names or you're listening or you're watching or you will listen or watch but I address all of you and I thank you for uh writing so openly what's on your mind I'm going to open up by addressing another question that somebody asked me a different type of question and that is a very very interesting question that the the goes through 15 Steps everybody knows you see when I was a child I behaved so I still remember these 15 all of them represent what's the next part of the program as the children love saying kades and it said I don't want to bring back any uh positive too many positive memories you wash your hands without a carpus you dip the vegetable in the salt water Etc all the way down to which is benching Hal which is saying Hal and then the Seder is over what's N N means that from the word r that the Seder was uh was um B how did you say it B accept accepted embraced by Hashem so the person asked me he says what's the point of this the 14 steps are telling you what to do it's literally a 14 step program what's the point of the 15th step we we're not doing anything n okay Hashem liked it I should hope so I mean nothing I could do at this point besides redo it hasem never told me that he liked it but what's the point of the 15th step it's not a call to action it's not a call to activity there's nothing you're supposed to do what is this idea of n that they put in as the 15th step of the Seder which I thought was a very interesting question and I think that in answering this question a lot of ideas about the Seder will become extremely clear because we don't have its liking in any other experience of yish we don't put on and finish and say n or finish and say or finish the shabas meal and say n we bench and we move on you finish daving you say alen and you move on or whatever you say till whatever you do after daving learning by P we finish the S and we say n or we at least read n or we announce n or at least it's in the even if you don't say it what is the meaning of this to understand this I'm going to bring up another very interesting question and that is there's a custom in many Jewish homes that on P night the children steal the a not all Jewish homes many have the tradition that they should not steal the I saw in the bris of bris it says that in the house of bris bris they didn't steal the they didn't steal the saw it says that he would announce before the Seder that here we don't was a custom by CH to steal the but not in this house I know in the custom was not to steal the but the fact is that the brings that there's a that the children they steal the they they grab the and of course they return it for a nice prize from tati and Mommy the basis of it is you're excited huh what's what's the prize you're going to ask for PR a lot and the smart watch okay wow in my days the rich kids would ask for a calculator you remember if you were Rich you got a calculator if your father was a multi-millionaire you asked for a bike today I think if you would give your child a calculator for the he won't be on speaking terms with you anymore and he's going to move out to a new house so we have to come up with more creative prizes for the but says that the sources guard you you grab the mat on the night of PES so the children don't fall asleep says that's the source that to keep the children awake you have them grabbing the hiding it and returning it later and this makes sure that they remain for the S okay others criticize the the by the says that it's a Min but it's a terrible thing it should be eliminated the Gentiles basically will come to say that the Jews on the night that they become a people they celebrate it through stealing thein him themselves Rashi gives a different interpretation for the r a different interpretation different interpretation but the give this interpretation when the Min was created or developed we're not sure exactly but it's certainly an ancient custom and it's still practiced in hundreds or thousands of Jewish homes so certainly there is some meaning to the custom and it is strange you're not let us steal you're not let even steal for a joke you're not let us steal and return something why would we want to educate children on the night of PES to keep them awake through stealing the I want to address something else which was another email somebody wrote to me and that is as follows I feel extremely uncomfortable with two texts in the ha one text I'm going to address later in the class the first text I feel very uncomfortable with is what we have to tell the Ben Rasha the rebellious child it says you should stunt his teeth and you should tell him you should tell him that if he would have been in Egypt he would have never been redeemed I don't know I have a rebellious child I was a rebellious child and I would not respond well to such a message is this really what the is advocating in today's day that if your rebellious child tells you what does this work for you you should take your fist and punch him in the teeth and make sure you stunt his teeth and then tell him if in case he didn't understand the message that if he would have been in Egypt he would have never been redeemed in other words you're a lost case you're Russia leave is for me not for you you're not part of the Jewish people is this really what is saying and how is this consistent with so many messages that you always talk about from so many sources that you should treat him in a different fashion do you have any perspective on this this is a very interesting question as well so let me begin with N why do we say n why do we have this 15th Step at the end of the ha why do we acknowledge that Hashem accepted he was moved he was happy with our seder with our service why at the end of the Seder the truth is that this is the climax of the whole Sider Without You n you can't have your 15 Steps your 14 steps the 14 steps are all a call for Action washing hands making kiddish dipping speaking whatever we're doing breaking eating mat eating M eating a sandwich eating the meal eating saying everything is in action but the climax of all of them is is n what is n God accepted and embraced the S one of our favorite lines one of our favorite lines in life is it's not good enough we love telling that to ourselves and instinctively we love or we don't love but we tell it to other people you commit to learning TI 20 minutes a day and your ego comes and says only 20 minutes what could you already learn in 20 minutes that's horrible you spend $15 and buy your wife flowers on Friday afternoon your ego comes to you and says that's all you spend on your wife $15 you give somebody collecting money for $10 and your ego comes and says says that's not good enough you have to give him much more you sit down Friday night to the meal and you have a meal and your ego comes and says that's not called keeping shabas that's not what a meal looks like any project anything we do there's a little voice that comes in and says it's not good enough this voice is usually the voice of theara of the negative inclination or of the false ego you see a person should always improve a person always has to improve a person always has to grow but that's not the intention of our Yar and it's not the intention of our false ego it has one intention when it puts in that voice into you it's not good enough the intention is to suck the life out of you and to make you feel like a loser and to put you into a depression look at the results when you tell yourself it's not good enough what's the next step is the next step motivation inspiration or invigoration or is the next step you feel lousy you feel empty you feel sad you feel horrible does it make you a bigger person or a smaller person does it inspire you to do more or to do less when we start thinking that our actions are worthless it drains us from our Vitality from our it makes you feel dejected Melancholy and therefore It ultimately causes people not to do more it causes people to do much less so when we hear this voice don't think it has to do with truth or it has to do with God it has to do with a false ego what we call a Yahara that literally wants to put you down once something was done it will always tell you that it was not good there's an old word from it says inem saw everything he made and it was very good so the med says good the angel of Life very good the angel of death what's the meaning of this so one of the explanations is this the feeling that we want something to be good that's the angel of life but whenever you have a feeling that something is not can't be can't be good it has to be which means infinitely good perfect impeccable Flawless that's the angel of death the voice that tells you that things have to be infinitely good that first of all kills you inside and second of all it kills every project Perfection is the enemy of progress when everything have to be perfect it paralyzes us because there's no such a thing that a person does things perfect so therefore when you do something you say I did the best I could have done in the moment and I trust that this sincerity will be seen by whoever the person is and of course by God himself self so here's the trick n what does n mean N means we're making a statement God loved your s there period there's one question that Still Remains could you agree with God God loved it he's crazy about it n how do we know how do they know maybe he didn't like it we know you showed up you were present he loved it he accepted your offering the question is can you accept your offering or do you have to be busy telling yourself how imperfect how horrible how meaningless it was he loved it which really if you think about it is essentially what happens with the Ben Russia what's the Ben russer the one who asked about the rebellious child I mean we spoke about this last year we gave a share about the four Sons before PES I elaborated on it more in some other classes but really if you look at the what does it say he says what is this work that you're doing what is this it's interesting the says almost the same words he also says what are all these laws that God commanded you him we call a and the second one we call a Rasha why he also says he says what do you learn from here the first thing you learn from here is two people can ask the same question it's completely two different questions you can't only listen to the question you have to listen to the person sometimes brilliant kids in school inquisitive kids ask brilliant questions some teachers love these children and some teachers feel threatened by these children so they mock the questions of these children all the children want is a good answer to a very deep question they're really great instead we sometimes destroy the questionnaire I know of a story a girl in a class she asked an excellent question and the teacher said I can't believe that this question is being asked in my class there's a Ruma now that went into the class everyone has to say to Hillen and she made all the girls say to Hill this girl is a good girl smart girl she asked thank God she has a normal father the father said the issue is not with you there are bullies sometimes children and sometimes there are teachers who are bullies she bullied you she was bullying you what tell him say because of because you asked an intelligent question CU you're not dumb now you have the rush the rush actually is asking a different question so says what does that mean because he took himself out of the CL he denied God what is telling you very often the the denial of this child is coming because because he does not see himself anymore as part of the collective as part of the claw he was made to feel that he has no place in clol he is the epitome of evil he is the in Carnation of the devil he represents everything toxic and poison he was made to feel that he has to take himself out from CLA now he has to justify it so how do you justify it so he becomes a now he has to carve out a place for himself in the world because he's not part of the world of the Jewish people he becomes a you have to be careful and what's the you have to tell him so this is a v of R kuin he was one of the great Masters kuin he passed away in kuin is in bellarus right near brisk Lithuania Belarus so he says he passed away 1858 actually in so he says as follows what's he says a beautiful V you have to tell the Ben rash I want to tell you something if we would have had your attitude in life we would have never been liberated from Egypt you know why in Egypt if we looked in the mirror you know what we looked like as the med says that the Jews were submerged in 49 Gates of impurity and if they would have remained there longer they could have never come up from it so if we would have looked in the mirror at ourselves by we would have said there's no bright future for us we're slaves we will be slaves forever but you know what we did not develop that attitude our attitude was that Redemption is always possible so we tell the with this attitude that you're worthless that you have no place and therefore you have to give up and you have to Despair and you have to have your place anywhere would have never been redeemed the whole secret of the Jewish people is that we never allowed that attitude to take root the first Mitzvah that was was given to the Jewish people was what which Mitzvah is that the renewal of the Moon that every month you create the new monthes based on the new moon what is the essence of that Mitzvah in Egypt the first mitah that was given to them in MIT before they became a people what is it if you follow the moon you know the moon waxes it wains then it becomes invisible and when it becomes invisible you may think it's disappeared but what does the moon accomplish it always experiences rebirth so the first Mitzvah that was given to the Jewish people was there's always the potentiality for rebirth with your attitude of Y of despair of giving up on yourself of telling yourself that you don't belong you're a failure why you have people you have youngsters who haven't succeeded scholastically some of them haven't succeeded emotionally some of them haven't succeeded socially succeeded socially some haven't succeeded in other areas and therefore they give up on themselves and we give up on them and what happens and they become bitter don't look at yourself that way but for this you have to do one thing you have to get beyond the bite you have to stunt the teeth you have to get beyond the bite if you take the bite seriously you will not be able to be there for this child cuz when people are bitter or frustrated they sometimes make comments that are painful and you have to be able to know that the bark is bigger than the bite or the bite is not as serious as it seems I told you once the V says that the word sh is 366 if you subtract 366 from the word rash you end up Russ's Shin which is 570 you take you subst ract 366 from 570 you end up with the word sad so the V says go beyond the teeth go beyond the sharpness of this child and you'll see behind the rush it there aad there's a v I once saw from the he says we say in the why Hashem sent nobody only himself why why couldn't he send anybody else the answer is If he if he would have sent anybody else they would have come to the Jewish people and they would have looked at them and they would have said horrible you're too dirty you're horrible I'm going to make you my people I'm going to take you out I'm going to invite you to my table I'm Going to Kiss You by my I'm going to become your God and you'll become my nation mention dirty people the would come back and say we made a mistake this go find yourself a different Nation so that's why hasem came himself he came himself no would be no mistakes he would be able to look and see the true core of a person the beauty of a person somebody once sent me a cute anecdote somebody said he once went to to a zebra you're familiar with zebras in the zoo maybe you go to a zoo you'll see a zebra so he asked the zebra he said are you black with white stripes or are you white with black stripes this is a deep L are you black with white stripes or are you white with black stripes so he says and the zebra turned to me and he asked me good question so let me ask you a question are you good with bad habits or are you bad with good habits are you noisy with quiet times or are you quiet with noisy times are you happy with some sad days or are you sad with some happy days are you neat with some sloppy ways or are you sloppy with some neat ways are you self-centered obnoxious and narcissistic with some kind moments or are you kind with some selfish obnoxious and narcissistic moments and the zebra went on and on and on I'm never going to ask a zebra again about Stripes somebody once said that Consciousness what's the definition of Consciousness it's the annoying time between naps right so how do we identify how how do we identify that annoying time between naps it's really a question of identity who are you am I really a bad person with some good habits or am I an awesome person with bad habits so here is the deal and it goes to the core of stealing the really the whole night of PES is about a form of stealing why some people steal the number one number two the Jews stole the mind of par they deceived par says they ran away Rashi says they told them they're leaving for three days they didn't mean it they ran they deceived par what else on p y took the blessings he stole the blessings from on the night of P says it was P rash brings it in that's why r prepar two goats for didn't have to eat two goats one was for the carbon p and one was so it was a p what else happens on P Esther says on P is the of of and she says the third day she goes into the king I'm going to go not legally in other words I'm going to trespass I'm going to trespass the boundaries I'm going to go illegally so you have different things on PES that are all revolve a form of stealing this is a little strange the night we become a people we become free slaves have to steal free people don't have to steal it's a little strange but there's a deep message here and the message here simply and briefly is this we're stealing from a voice in ourselves whatever you manage to do in life that will always be a part of you that says you're a thief give it back you took the a you know what a is you know how much energy there's in a you had a say you think you're experiencing the Seder you're a low life you're a loser the SED has the highest energy but you know it has nothing to do with you look at what you're thinking during the Seder look at your heart look at your mind look at your soul you know you couldn't care less you're apathetic you're boring you're depressed you're sad you don't even believe in all these stories and therefore you right away give up on yourself so what you have to tell yourself on the night of PES is that the voice voice in you that calls you a thief because you're stealing things that don't belong to you acknowledge that that voice may not go away but that voice will not Define me because it happens to be that this is mine this is who I really really am n believe that just like God loves you s there that's a fact you could love love you s just like God loves you you could love you and just like he believes in you you could believe in yourself stop gossiping about how bad how negative how detached you are do we have in US voices of Detachment yes do we have in US voices of negativity yes do we have a MIT in US yes do we have a par in US yes do we have a false ego in US yes and that will always scream you're a thief you don't belong here you're holding on to things that don't belong to you give them back you know that this doesn't belong to you and I have to be able to look it in the eyes and say you might tell me that I'm trespassing and I say knowing that the king is there and me and the King are one I could I could go in there it's really not an issue I do belong there I am connected there that's what the N at the end of the Seder is now I want to address the person who sits down by the S and judges people and I think the best way to address it is avoid from the and avo from the said by we use a candle a feather a wooden spoon to clean up the bread and burn it what do we burn in the fire the bread the bag The Wooden Spoon the feather we also burn the candle ask the why burn the candle the candle is not the candle is made of wax so whatever it's made of today we don't take candles so seriously because of Thomas Edison but remember a candle was a precious commodity why take a candle and burn it when it's not you know this says I have to say it in yish and then I'll translate he says meaning somebody that his entire objective in life is to find theet everywhere that person himself must be a piece of KET the purpose of this candle is to look and look and look and make sure that no gets away in every hole and every crevice he will penetrate under the carpets and under the rocks and the beams and on the ceilings in the couches and in the beds in the cabinets and in the drawers and the little holes he will find the humet in you and in your house he himself is a piece of a story about uh the balat had a his name wasmus monus was living in a little town and there was then there was a concept called midm midm were preachers who would go from City to city and give sermons and the objective was to scare The Living Daylights out of the Jews and have them cry and weep especially before rash so this guy came to a city and he spoke to the city about how sinful they are God hates them and he's going to destroy them and they were all weeping and crying and he was very happy because mission was accomplished and after the speech went to visit him shabas andus takes out a knif says what's this he says I'll tell you we have a big problem it's brought in that you should go pray at in our Cemetery we just heard from you everyone is our fathers our Z we have no in our Cemetery he says that's true so how can I help you he says listening to you and watching you I see there's no sadic like you so I would like to have you in our Cemetery so we could come you and he takes out and he gets close so we can have you this man saw that he was serious he no no no we needed here in our cemetery on the sinful people so he looks at him he says I'm not such a sadic he says oh you're humble too wow now I'm going to kill you now you really have aad he says no no I'm serious he says listen serious I asked us you're a sadic he says no no no I did sins he says l Mar the Marshall he said yeah come on relative to us you're a great Saint he says no I did some more serious sins he says for example the man so he got no choice he didn't want to be slaughtered so he spoke the truth about his lifeus looked at him and said so how do you have the to come here and spew such hatred to people when you know how lowly you are how didus know this not because he was a because whenever you hear and see somebody who's full of negativity towards other people it's coming from themselves it's not coming from the other people the B says other people are a mirror people who are refined see refinement everywhere people who are Divine see godliness everywhere people who are brute who are coarse who use God as a crutch for their own insecurities and narcissism and fear and shame they see negativity and darkness everywhere that's how he knew it says the the first is what the night of you have to check but then the mishna says one stipulation a place where you don't bring in you don't have to check so the says isn't it a funny thing that people check the humet in other people's lives he said is that a place where you bring inets if it's a place that you bring in be if it's a place that you don't bring in you don't do there I can't bring in to your life I bring in to my life don't do on other people there's enough to do in your own place where you bring inets so I tell you sit down at the sa the table and remember these two insights the candle you burnt in the morning already cuz his job is to search for and you are not the person who brings in to other people's lives let them be Bic their lives you be boic your life be wholesome in your life stop judging people at your table don't judge your family don't judge guests don't judge your spouse house look at yourself and even yourself you have to know how to judge yourself the opening words of the mission is ask the my you remember what's for two pages the gamar goes back and forth trying to figure out or means light so when do they have to be it's in the morning of our BOS but it's not so then it's l back and forth two pages the gar is unclear what means finally finally the gar reaches a conclusion that means the night of of of so the say why couldn't the just say why give us these headaches and then we have to figure out what means the answer of course is the says you start off your words with light but there's a depth there and and that is you have to check always with you can't start with night if you want to check your it has to be with you first have to identify the light that's in you if you look at yourself and see yourself as a piece of Darkness don't start doing you know why because the conclusion is going to be that you are the and therefore all of you has to be thrown into the fire and then you defeat the whole purpose and who comes to the s or comes to the S of course you're depressed you have at your s they say from SL him so his his wife asked him p in the morning did you get rid of your so he was very sharp so he tells his wife I did but there's one big piece ofet in my life I already have 41 years in my house and I can't get rid of that piece ofet whatever I do I tried she would she will not go away that KET stays so she looked at him and she says is you don't have to worry about that that piece ofet 40 years ago my father sold to a complete go you really don't have to worry about that ketz the problem is we don't dos we decide that we are KS has to be done with the prerequisite of O you have to be able to see the light that's why hasem couldn't send to if he would have sent anybody else they would have come with a bad horrible report he knew he sends himself he'll be good it'll be powerful now I want to be a little practical in terms of these questions and similar questions number one it's very important before you say that don't be exhausted people are exhausted get into bad moods you can't be exhausted before before you say that you have to it's the most important thing you should be alert so and you the next thing be relaxed be relaxed for some people people think it's a Mitzvah the night of PES to be miserable and stressed out it's forbidden the prerequisite of the say to be all the is you're free you're emancipated there's nothing holding you back you're a free spirit you're uninhibited relaxation Joy Serenity it's the prerequisite of any seder that's how you approach the Seder number three there's no perfect seder there's no such a thing there's no model seder people live with this image that there's what a Seder looks like a s doesn't look like anything a s looks like people who are connecting in a genuine way the only to say is to eat mat and one more thing what's talk to your child and the gar says the mishna says it's always with questions and answers meaning you talk after you listen to his questions be attentive to your children listen to them speak to them communicate with them celebrate with them which brings me to another Point what are you going to tell your children this PES night people sit down at the S there no think about if you could write one letter to your child and you want to leave him with the most important message that you feel he should get from his father what would that message be think about it prepare it the night of pesak is the one night of the whole year that the creator of the world designated as the time when Jewish history comes to life the night of PES is not toai in Zion it's 3,000 years of Jewish history come to life cuz it was once a year that was designated for the time when parents give over everything to their children so their children will give everything over to their children each year they made one night to remember who we are as human beings who we are as Jews prepare yourself what am I going to tell my child and please don't tell me it's going to be another V some people sit down I saw a v somebody wrote to me he says my father has been saying the same ver for 22 years I want to shoot myself and he makes us all listen to the ver now ver beautiful keep your ver or after you could sit with and tell him all go through all your till 6:00 in the morning don't stop remember Hashem is going to be there and are going to be there they don't get tired they don't get bored what do you have to what do you have to torture people speak to them for real communicate for real give them your heart give them your soul some people don't have to be present that to say to be present but think about what you're going to say and each child needs a different message there's no one child the four children are four extraordinary models and remember the four children exist within you too speak to the four children in you part of you is wise part of you is rebellious part of you is simple and part of you just doesn't give a hoot doesn't mean he doesn't know what to ask he doesn't care to ask Means Caring connected to doesn't mean he knew her he knew her Wikipedia entry he looked her up means he connected he doesn't connect to anything to ask we have all these four children in us and I have to create place for all these for all these uh all these four children fascinating question I'm very uncomfortable with one passage in the ha pour down your wrath on the Gentiles who don't know you maybe it works for you Ultra Orthodox fundamentalists who think that all Gentiles are evil but I live in the real world it's not how you speak today I'm thinking of skipping this paragraph So whoever you are who asked this question I appreciate appreciate how Progressive you are open-minded tolerant I'm glad to see that you don't suffer from bigotry and I'm happy to see that you're as open-minded as me and you're as tolerant as me and that you don't have Phobos and stereotypes but with all due respect I think you completely misunderstand this paragraph and generally speaking don't be so fast to judge our text and decide that if something doesn't work well with you you skip it it's good that you ask the question so that you open yourself up to some more information so let me tell you in my mind I find this paragraph to be one of the most enlightened beautiful things that the Jews could say and let me give you a little background when did they put in this paragraph they put in this paragraph in the Middle Ages when Jews on pesak would suffer terribly first of all the Christians decided that they're using blood for their matzas number two PES always comes out during the time of Easter they would come back from Easter celebrations where they would be triggered mesmerized and inspired by their priests Bishops Cardinals spiritual leaders who would incite them against the Jews hundreds of Jews sometimes thousands of Jews were murdered during these times of the year so at the say they put in this paragraph but listen to what the Jews are saying and to explain it to you I'll tell you a little story was once met by a priest and the priest said why is it that the New Testament is filled with love in the Old Testament God takes Revenge God is zealous why can't God be a god of love like he is in the Christian Bible there and IIT told him as follows he says let me tell you the difference by you in the New Testament what they call the New Testament you turned God into a god of love so who has to do all the wars you God only loves so all the violence are done by people you know what we did we said all the violence is done by God he punishes our job is to love that's our job they want asked Norman Schwarz he was the commander-in-chief of the first Gulf War under Bush the father 91 what's your opinion should we forgive terrorists so he said it's not our job to forgive terrorists it's God's job our job is to arrange the meeting but think think about it's a beautiful prayer we're turning to Hashem and say this we know how if somebody comes to kill you you have to kill him first but we're asking at the S the table is you pour out your wrath on all the murderers you take care of all the violence so that we we don't have to get our hands filthy with war and violence morally if somebody has to go about to kill you you have to kill them that's morally we asking God you do it you cleanse your world from all the evil and sadism and barbarity so we could spend our days and nights spreading light and Hope and love in my mind this is a beautiful beautiful prayer I think all your liberal friends would be very impressed with you there's no need to skip anything even if you wouldn't understand it somebody asks whyne M mat three ingredients which I dislike why do we do this is this how you become a free person it's a good question I'm going to tell you one point about these three things and you'll tell me wine matah and M are very powerful ideas they represent very powerful ideas the path to Freedom must include three things and we'll never get bored of them because they're essential to human growth it's like breathing the first thing when you want to be free is you have to appreciate wine and I don't only mean physically drinking wine I'm talking about what wine represents wine is a very powerful beverage the gamorra says in wine comes in Secrets come out in fact Y is the numerical value of 70 which is the same numerical value like that's what the gar says why does wine have that power to reveal Secrets because wine itself is a secret wine is submerged in the grape it's concealed in the grape and you have to smash the grape in order to extract the wine what does this represent in a human life the first step to Freedom is you have to tell tell yourself I do not know what is hidden in me there's tremendous power and energy hidden in me but I may not know sometimes you have to crush the grape to get it out but it's all in me it's all there in me don't cut yourself short and stop calling yourself the Eternal hopeless loser wine is incredibly powerful but if nobody would extract it we would never know it that's the same with you that's the first thing the next thing is m m is not easy m is you have to have the courage to be able to look at your pain you have to be able to look at the places where you broke if it's a relationship that's not working you have to be able to go back to those spaces in the relationship where the break happened you have to be able to go into those moments that created the maror in your life if you're not ready to look at that if you're not ready to be honest with that you're not going to be able to come out of it because it'll always be there sitting on you and haunting you you have to believe in your incredible potential but you have to be able to steer at the moments of murder at the moments of bitterness at the moments of pain I have to be able to acknowledge it appreciate it and put it into context step three is matah the uniqueness of matah is of course humility in vulnerability but matah has to be baked in haste if you wait 18 minutes it's garbage the path to Freedom must always happen in haste what do I mean in haste there will always be a voice that will tell you you'll start tomorrow you'll start in a week you'll start in a month you'll call back in a half an hour that is the voice of slavery The Voice of Freedom is now courage happens now confidence happens now change happens now if not now or at least within 18 minutes it may be never yes do it tonight don't wait till tomorrow the procrastination the delay to make the call to send the email to make the appointment to confront what you got to confront to go visit whatever it is that you have to do matah haste so when you eat these three ingredientses check in with yourself and make sure that you're on this incredible journey From Slavery to Redemption it's a sad email I'm a single mom I got divorced a number of years ago and uh for the holidays we split with one holiday I get the kids and another holiday he gets the kids we made up for pesak that I'm going to to get the children four children I cleaned the house for a month a whole month I cleaned the house all the children are coming a whole PES they're coming I finished the cleaning a few days before I went out to buy everything for the Seder I was so excited to have all my four children at the Seder I bought what I had to buy I got all the food I cooked I baked I did everything an hour before candle lighting before P an hour before candle lighting my ex calls me up and he says I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to bring the children over to the house something happened it's too late have a good and he hung up I cannot tell you how I felt a month of hard labor anticipation and expectation was just stolen away it came PES an hour later I lit the candles and there was nobody in the house at that s there I was alone could have I gone to a friend maybe it wouldn't have been comfortable but I wasn't in the mood really I couldn't go to a friend even if they would accept me I would sit there anyway in another world I stayed myself it was the saddest PES I had of my life how should I deal with this the hate to him and my upsetness at God what type of PES is it did I even fulfill the seder this we this year this year I don't even know what's going to happen yet I'm dealing with an ex who was very very complicated suffers from uh narcissistic personality disorder if he could do this to me an hour before yam he didn't even apologize do you have anything to tell me I don't have much to tell you that's the truth I'm very very sorry for what you went through it's horrible it's really unacceptable what he did an hour before yam to tell you you're not having the children after you prepared a whole month before it's it's absolutely unacceptable it's inhumane it's insensitive it's actually cruel and obnoxious you should just be aware of that to do that is obnoxious and completely it's a very cruel thing to do to any person even a stranger never mind the mother of your own never mind the mother of your own children I don't know your husband I don't know I don't know your ex-husband I don't know you so I don't have much to comment about it I'm just telling you my feeling in terms of your seder I want to tell you something that I saw myself and I wondered about it my whole life I not my whole life I wondered about it for many years and your email maybe gives me some perspective every Jew has a Seder even people who more or less have lonely lives but generally they get invited to some seder the SCH has a Seder there's people who invite community members in a Seder people go to programs worse comes to worse you have aabad house you can always end up in at a s there Jews have done even very secular Jews have this thing that PES they get together it's a fact that most Jews even secular Jews assimilated Jews do something on the night of PES I don't know any Jew who has nowhere to go with the S there somehow even in this community we know there are lonely people and they have been there it's been arranged to have a Seder I myself dealt in the last few weeks with people who had no place to have a Seder around here um alone people who are alone and we arrang places for them have open homes and Open Hearts and they were all they all got a place I read your email and a memory comes back to me when I was a young yes in 1988 the wife of the laba passed away they never had children for many years he did a say it with his father-in-law when his father-in-law passed away he did a say with his mother-in-law and his wife and some when his mother-in-law passed away he started to do the SED only with his wife in their own home now his wife passed away in 88 and there's no children and I wondered who the Reb would do the Seder with every Jew in the world doesn't say it with somebody after M he would give out matah to some people and I happened to go inside with my father and there was a young boy some of you remember the name his name was Ari halam Ari halam was later killed on the Brooklyn Bridge and 1994 and aram's father happened to be a m he used to help out in the Reb's house when his wife was still alive so I saw Ari halam who was a kid went over to the Reb and said my mother asked if you would come over to our he lived just a few houses away from 770 on 706 Easter Parkway literally a two-minute walk if you would come over and the rebba was very gracious and very thankful and asked him to thank his mother but he said no he's going to stay here the Reb's secretary he had a secretary was very close to him stuck around and he thought he'll be there at the S there and then he'll go home he'll do you know his his kids will be with his wife and he'll go home later and the Reb says what are you doing here he says I'm here for the S he says no no you have a family go and then the another person who helped him in the house he also wanted to stay go he sent everybody away everybody go do the S with your family and from that PES all the PES for the rest of his life he he did the S completely himself there was not one more person in his room man himself that himself he would come outside like everybody open the door and go back in to do the say to himself I was a boy I saw this and I thought to myself this is somewhat sad and tragic here's a man who had hundreds and thousands of students millions of people who were touched and inspired by him every Jew every Tom spaghetti and Henry has somebody to do a S with and the had not one person to do a S with it was hard for me to understand himself was something very sad about it I never understood why he could have sat with one person two people three people he didn't want to burden anybody maybe because they all had families but still a little strange the reab arranged that there should be thousands of his daughter around the world probably because of the a half a million Jews have way to go on PES or a million Jews and he himself couldn't have a s with anybody else so I want to tell you the person who wrote this letter when I saw your letter I have a little bit of an answer I'm not sure this is true and I can't say it's untrue I'm just telling you a feeling it may be true may not be true but maybe it can give you a little comfort a real leader of Jews has to think about every Jew including those that nobody thinks about real man is Encompass in their soul every type of Jew and maybe the Reb knew that one day there's going to be a person like you who's going to do a Seder alone completely alone without anybody else and you may feel that it's not a Seder it's not PES it's not real God is not even there this this is not saying you're alone in the world and re was maybe showing you that no he created a paradigm that sometimes a Jew is alone at the table with nobody else but he and Hashem and Trust Me by the Reb it was a Seder if there was a Seder it was a Seder so your s was also a Seder a real Jewish leader in his heart encompasses every Jewish heart the most broken and the most lonely I I don't know why this happened to you and I certainly hope that this PES you'll have a lot of company your children and any other company that you're going to have and I hope it's a very exciting and social Sader but I want you to know that you shouldn't look at your seder as worthless and meaningless and pointless because you can never judge the nature and the value of a Seder and at your s we also said we also said N I want to tell you a story that happened to to me it's a personal story that happened to me once PES in 1997 I spent PES in a city called KOB KOB Japan because uh the other choice was to spend pesak in Brooklyn what does a good Jewish boy have to do pesak in Brooklyn that's what everybody does so I decided I wanted a more meaningful PES so I thought in Japan it would be a little more interesting for me so I went with a friend there's a community in coob few thousand Jews beautiful sh they don't have a rabbi so they asked if somebody could come down run the S so they asked me so I went with a friend we went a few the week before PES we went with a lot of food we went to the sh we cash the kitchen and we prepared for the S and we asked the people in the SCH how many people do you expect here at the S they said usually we have 20 people that come to the S and we needed somebody to run it and the the daving over PES said great in the meantime we thought to ourselves why 20 I'm sure there's many more Jews in Co so we put a little ad in Japanese we spread the message that there's going to be a public Seder in the shul in Co Japan for any Jew who likes no previous background necessary no knowledge necessary no observance NE whoever is a Jewish could come to the S and whoever we met we asked them to tell their friends and colleagues and and post it and send it out I mean then there was not much social media at the time it's the late 90s not like today but the word viral meant you have a virus it was a pretty bad thing today can also be a pretty bad thing depends what goes viral but uh yes closure meant you have to close your zipper whatever different words different things so we spread the message to the best of our ability is going to be a s i remember we DAV the first night of PES I came out to the Social Hall there were 250 people there who came to the S the leaders of the SCH almost died on the spot this was like a crisis of the century they had right away a meeting of the board you know when boards meet I knew it's going to be behind closed doors the meeting was what do we do with the crisis so many Jews came and they made a resolution what's the resolution a classic Jewish resolution with throwing everybody out besides the people the 20 people who signed up a week ago most people didn't sign up we're throwing everybody out I went to the board and I said listen you have 250 Jews many of them probably did not have a s in 10 20 30 years how could you throw them out they said it's not fear this is not a Hef place I'm like sure this is very organized yeah coob there's a s there there's a system you can't just come I said what's the real issue is the real issue money you're afraid of money because they're going to eat extra G filter fish that you saved up for tomorrow night so it's going to be an extra they said yeah money I said you know what it's on me I'll cover all the expenses of every bite that anybody above 20 eats more than they say how you going to know I said you know what I'll pay for the first 20 also I'll pay for the first 20 it's fine they got so excited they said okay they could stay so we had to reprogram everything we started the S I looked at the faces it was a tremendous moment now these D you have to keep on moving you know it's not like your father could torture and you don't have a choice they can all leave you have to keep on moving that's the Jews left in haste there was a reason for it because if not you stay in so you have to keep things moving you have to keep things moving second night M the people are more relaxed the first night you have to go you have to move you have to move so uh we're keeping we're moving it we're moving it I have to tell you the people knew nothing about a so they ate they did in middle of carpass they did before M they did before KES mat they did after this it was a pure Corbin it was absolute chaos as much as I was trying to control they were like whoa they finished six cups of wine before I started the second cup of wine the Manana happened after the meal they saw the kitchen the chicken the canlock it was an absolute disaster on every level the S there was a was what should I call it huh it was a bankrupt Sader it didn't make sense it was a c c c c okay fine came now you know when you're sitting with 250 Jews it's not their fault that I thought there was a disaster they enjoyed it they enjoyed it they kept on complimenting The Gila fish which was Jarred Gila fish now you know if your wife would serve you jar you filter fish you probably ask for a divorce so I knew that they must have been in Japan for so many years if they are enjoying the Jarred Gila fish okay cuz in Japan you don't have jar filter fish or anyway in middle of after the soup I thought I could say now a few words a little more relaxed so I got up and I thought to myself what should I tell this crowd and I remembered a story a well-known story about with the Seder and I thought this is the story that should be told it popped into my head at that moment as I was thinking about what to say so I said I want to tell everybody a story many many years ago there lived one of the great holy spiritual masters of the Jewish people it was one Passover in the morning I told them in middle of prayer he had a vision he asked God which was the most beautiful inspiring s in bit so God said Mo the water carrier so the bad summoned after daving Mo the water carrier and he comes to the holy BV tells him tell me about you say there last night so M the water carrier says Reb I swear to you I will never do it again he's like do what again says reab please don't make make me say what I did it's too humiliating he refused until the said I commanding you to tell me what you did last night so he says Reb you know I have an alcoholic problem I'm an alcoholic I'm an addict I drink all year I'm a depressed soul I got no money my wife doesn't like me I grew up an orphan I never had a home I never had nurture I drink the problem is the problem V eight days without drinking what am I supposed to do this is before and they didn't have it what do I do so I decided the night of I'm going to drink a whole night and hopefully it will uh it will have an impact for eight days I drank and drank and drank and then I saw 9:00 in the morning was the time you have to stop eatings I said one last I downed it and I was out I was out my wife wakes me up says everybody's coming home from SCH to do the S it's time to get up I say my wife I have a headache I have a hangover I can't I can't get out of bed wake me up in an hour she wakes me up the next hour I couldn't get it together another hour another hour she wakes me up at midnight and she says you should be ashamed of yourself every house in bitv had a Seder besides your house you are a disgrace to your family but I just couldn't get it together I said give me one more hour an hour later I woke up it was the middle of the night all my kids were sleeping my wife said you should be ashamed with yourself not one of your children had a say that tonight I woke up my kids and I said I need a half an hour at the table with you they came begrudgingly to the the table I looked at my children and I said listen you were cursed with a horrible father I have a horrible addiction I'm an alcoholic but if my addiction could cause me not to do a S on PES it means I really really lost it so for starters I swear that from today on I will never drink again but it's p so we have to do something he says Kindel you know I don't know how to read Hebrew I don't know how to read the ha I'm an illiterate I'm not educated I don't know anything but there's a Mitzvah that I'm supposed to tell you the story tonight so let me tell you the story in my own words this is the story God created the world in six days it was a beautiful world on the sixth day he created Adam and Eve and it was still a beautiful world he told them nurture the garden but stay away from One Tree of course they could not they ate from that tree and from then the world started to go down Hill everything started to go downhill then came Abraham and Sarah and they started to heal the world they started to bring back the original light into the world but lo and behold all of their children and descendants were thrown into an exile and on this night the master of the world liberated his people from the Egyptian bondage and he set them on a course of freedom but you know what he says to the Kindel we have a problem the problem is these people are again in Exile now also with tremendous problems but here we are and he looks up he I look up to heaven I say sh Father in Heaven first of all I want to thank you for taking us out of Egypt I want to thank you for making us your people and I want to ask you do it again just like you did it then do it again take us out and I said K now it's time to drink I I drank one cup I ate matah I ate I said I drank a cup I ate mat I ate more ate a sandwich I drank another cup I drank another cup and I was out again my S it took around 12 minutes 15 minutes it was done the bad is now crying he looks at the Reb bad and he says Reb I told you I swear to you I'm never going to do this again in my life so turns to the people around him and he says it hurt you hear once in my life I should be able to communicate Judaism to my children like M communicated Judaism to his children last night Hali once in my life I should be able to experience an o with authenticity with rawness like m s and he says Moa God loved your s not only loved it it was the best S have a good I looked at the crowd I saw that the story stirred up emotion and I said to them why am I telling you this story I said I'll be honest with you I grew up in an observant Jewish Home in New York we have a couple of Jews there I say there always follow Jewish law meticulously we did everything in the right way always suddenly I came to Japan and everything here was a disaster not one thing was done right everything was out of order everything was eaten in the wrong times drunk in the wrong times misplaced I don't know what to tell you so on one level I felt a little bad then I reminded myself this story and I thought to myself maybe it's possible that if I were to ask God to night which was your favorite sad from the whole world God would say coob Japan I would say why and God would say because it was real it was authentic it was raw there were no stick nobody was coping anything nobody was fitting into anybody else's structure nobody was stressed out everybody came here voluntarily they were just being Jewish they were being real I love the Seder and I said to them I'm not the B I don't have these conversations with God but I have a hunch that this may have been from the top 10 in the world and I want to thank you for giving me the privilege a Brooklyn New York boy to have such a PES with you I finish I'm standing here Mish at the head table this is the head table it was like a mish against me at the other side there's a woman sitting there who was sitting there a whole s and I see she is weeping M like a baby sitting and crying clip itet naturally as a good Jew I always blame myself so I asked myself what did I say that was offensive I always think that I say something that was insulting that I put down women did I put down people I I they never know people are sensitive I started to ask myself what did I say then I thought to myself I didn't say I said I said nice stuff here she's crying I don't know it's really none of my business okay next I finished the speech we ate we benched 95% of the crowd left stayed with a few four five people we finished we finished we sang and then weo when we finish the S she comes over and she says RT Jacobson can I have a few private words with you I say sure she says I want to tell you my story I'm here in Japan for 25 years but I grew up where you grew up I grew up in Brooklyn I grew up in New York in a Jewish home she experienced a very very shallow meaningless negative form of Judaism it's not the place to elaborate she left completely and where did she go to she went to Japan became an educator in Japan for 25 years she says for 25 years I haven't been at a Seder a few days ago I met a friend who happens to be Jewish and this friend tells me I heard that there's going to be a Seder in the synagogue and Co maybe you want to come I say I'm not part of it anymore I'm done come just come culture I asked will there be gilter fish said yeah said 25 years I didn't have a gilter fish I'm going to come for the Gila fish I'll come she said I said what's the worst thing I'll see a couple of Jews I'll get upset again and I'll leave what's the worst thing that can happen she says I came and I enjoyed it it was very nice but then you open your mouth you started to talk and I want to tell you something I had a grandmother who lived with us in the house when I was a little girl she was an elder woman and she used to tell me you come from very very Holy Blood so I asked my grandmother what type of Holy Blood do I come from she said we had a great grandfather I'm nin I'm eighth generation and you're 10th Generation his name was LE ofv so I asked my grandmother who in the world was LE she says oh I don't know I just know that he was a very very special and holy man that's what I heard from my parents or grandparents and he'll be here for you he'll always be here for you if you need something you ask him to pray to God he'll be here for you he was a lover of the Jewish people she says I came here very very cynical very detached I thought a little Gila fish you open your mouth and suddenly I hear the name and you tell a whole story how from B's perspective this s my Sader was the best Sader in the world so I want you to know that my grandfather probably sent you here to be able to make me feel at home cuz I was feeling alienated but through your grandfather through my grandfather you made me feel at home I felt that this was a real Sader and I want to thank you for being his messenger for bringing me home and that's why I burst out crying in middle of the story these were the words she told me she finished I wiped a tear from my eye and I thanked almighty God for bringing me to coob Japan so you want to know what type of Sor to make in your house if you can have a glimpse of the Sader of M the water carrier you'll have a Seder but you don't need the drinking have a wonderful night a wonderful week [Applause] and this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at ww.the usa.net donate