Thought for the Week Parshas Devarim The Fine Art of Rebuke - Rabbi Yaakov Winner , 5786

How are you? I hope everyone is hope everyone is healthy, strong and happy physically and spiritually. This is we are now holding Shabas before Shabas is also of Nisha who was a very big Midas whose whole life was primarily dedicated to the study of and he should have less As usual start with today we're going to talk about a subject which is very very relevant for parents teachers and basically any person who's involved in any sort of relationship with any sort of person. And as usual, what's so amazing and profound about the Tory is that today when you read self-help books in certain areas and you think to yourself that these secrets, these these keys to success were known already for thousands and thousands of years by Yidden through the Tory. As usual, we'll start with a prayer and that's a that is that the Reb would always talk about during the nine days. We ask that which goes in the we should be redeemed justly which according to one interpretation means we all deserve it. Been through enough and which also means that we also want it to be in a generous way. It shouldn't only be based upon what we deserved. But when we say stuck means to go beyond the letter of the law without any limits. A redemption which is beyond anything you can imagine. Whatever you can think of, whatever you may think that it's going to be like, it's going to be much more than that, much better. Okay, let's start with the para. Um I once heard a vert that I read somewhere that is the longest speech starts on and I think I heard also is equals 36 and it's 36 days from till if we're not counting because that's the day passes away. So this is where Mosherenu is he's giving from what he taught since the giving of the and now we come to the culmination Mosha knows he's passing away and I once heard from somebody that is from it's a ethical a discussion that's how in some world of yes is yes they discuss something's called the mush. I thought to myself, you know what? I'm going to call it something different. Over here, we have the lengster that the whole is one the longest 36 days straight. So, it's a very and there's nothing like it to a certain extent. And there's wonderful wonderful lessons and special cherishing to this. Okay. Now, so what does it say over here? And she says over here the famous words because they words of rebuke and because the mentions all the places in which they caused anger before Hashem. This is why it put the words vaguely and mentioned them through intimation. Then they because of the honor of Israel. So now let's talk about we have you know books how to influence people and actually we have a you meant to rebuke. So let's start at the very beginning and then we'll point straight away to the lesson over here which is awesome. Let's start at the very beginning that the teaches us that we should rebuke it says It comes out of in other words the profoundity and the beauty of Torah is that the whole idea of rebuke is meant to be coming out of a place of love. So straight away that tells you if it's not going to have the desired effect, if it's not coming out of a place of love, then forget it. It's being corrupted. It's not what the Torah is talking about. In such a case, don't give rebuke. So now it's very very interesting. That's the PK. Um I don't want to elaborate on that because it's known. I want to go to a Gur which says something so amazing. The Gmorra starts off by saying I'm wondering if there's anybody in this generation that's able to receive criticism and he says why because even if somebody comes to you and says get rid of the splinter which is between in your eyes. The person tells him, get rid of the beam that's within your eyes. So is making a statement which is which is which is which is a pretty harsh statement. He's trying to say that in today's generation and that was already 1900 years ago. People are not ready to take criticism. One of my students once told me that in today's generation everyone's allergic to criticism. And I've mentioned this many times and and I believe it. I see it. But guess what, my friends? Already said it. And he exactly tells you the way it is. You come over to another person. And you just tell him to do him a favor. My friend, you have a splinter in your eyes, between your eyes. And what DOES THE GUY RESPOND? HE DOESN'T SAY, "Thank you. He told me that I have a splinter. You have a pimple on your nose. He tells me you have a beam over there. So number one, he right away instead of receiving it and accepting it, he counterattacks. And not only counteratt attacks, he says, "You're much worse than me. WHO ARE YOU TO TALK?" ETC. How topical? How do we see that this is mish happens today? But wait, there's more. Guess what? Right after that, the Gmorrah says, I'm wondering if this generation is there somebody who knows how to give rebuke and the night maybe you could say that the Gmorra is here telling us why it's going hand in hand you know why first it was very difficult for people to accept criticism because most people don't know how to give criticism what kind of statement is this Wow. So here you see the fine art of what it means to give criticism and it should be done properly. So let's go let's take it step by step and but first let's say another another famous statement there's a at the beginning of and the med says like this says on the words these are the words the words could also be translated as beesim. And Hashem says, "My children were led like bees by the leaders, by the prophets." In other words, the sadikim acted like bees. What's the idea of a bee? And then the med continues, but this second statement doesn't necessarily fit with the previous one, but I'm going to learn that it's connected. And he says, Just like the bee, its honey is sweet, but its bite is bitter. So too could be with Now what are we talking about over here? We're talking about rebuke says it's talking about comes along the medish that inherently rebuke is like honey. There's a sweet side to it and there's a bite side to it. There's a sweet side to it and there's a bitterness connected to it. And therefore, this is why you have to be super careful to know how to go about it. The leaders, they knew how to present it in such a way that primarily the sweetness was was dominant and overpowered and the sting was felt slightly. There's got to be a bit of a sting because it usually hurts a bit to feel something negative. So right away this tells you how you have to know what you're doing. It's not such a simple terrain. So this is also connection to this. There's a letter of the GBA where the FBA went through a medical he went through some sort of medical procedure and the GBA writes in a letter what was the what was the procedure. The procedure was that he had to get an injection. And he describes how before he was given the injection, he would they sterilized the instruments, they dressed in special gowns, they washed their hands, they poured alcohol over the whole over his body on his feet where they were going to put the injection. Anyways, Faba asked them, you know, I'm very very clean. I just washed myself. What are we what are we doing over here? All these all these precautions and everything. So they told him that whenever you give an injection everything has to be super sterilized to make sure nothing negative comes out of it. And then the frea writes what lesson did I take from this? That rebuke is like an injection. It heals but it hurts. And there in lies the point exactly like the bee. There's a sting but it brings honey. So therefore you have to be super careful. And this is what the fre takes from the lesson that he took from that. The preparations that have to go into making sure that the injection might hurt slightly but it's going to bring healing is only the person who goes through all these steps, these safety precautions as we'll soon discuss. He knows the rules, the formula, how to influence and how to give the rebuke. Then he can give the injection which might hurt slightly but will bring healing. Okay. So now let's go step by step. Number one, I want to skip to a later p for a second because the rebi used to mention this following many times that when does give this infashi brings down that mo spoke and the says after he after he had smitten king of the rashi says says over here said over here an unbelievable thing said if I rebuke them before they enter the edge of the land they will say what claim does this one have upon us who is he to preach to What good has he done us? He comes only to chide and to find a pretext against us. For he does not have the power to bring us into the land. So in other words, what's the first lesson that we take over here? We take over here timing is everything. First make a deposit. First bring benefit. First empower the other person. First make him feel good. First show how you care about him and do something for him. Deliver the goods. after you take care of him and you make him feel good and he sees that you're his ally because you bring benefit and you make a contribution that others wouldn't then you could tell him some words of rebuke number one so number one timing is everything number two something we spoke many times before which I'm not going to elaborate because we mentioned before there's something called a good place and a bad place sometimes when a person is in a bad place he's struggling with his identity he has low self-esteem he's going through terrible times in life that's not the time to tell him something. I'm connecting it to timing is everything. When that person is in a bad place is not the time to come and say anything about him. He's he's struggling breathing. He's having existential panic attacks, anxiety, trauma, whatever the story is. So therefore the first thing is you have to make sure whenever you want to tell somebody something or something whatever it is he must be in a good place. The second thing is and this we learn from the first Rash where Rashi says over here that because of he just alluded to it and that teaches you the second rule which is less is more. Don't spell it out with the grub of a finger. try to say it in a subtle way through an illusion because then it'll be accepted in a better way. Now there's another point and I'm just going to say a couple of stories to bring this out is first of all there's a I think I mentioned it many times I I read in Rabbi Turski's book generation to generation which I loved what he said over he said his favorite teacher was that When a kid would ask a question, the teacher would say, the rabbi would say, "You're 100% right. And now I show you where you're wrong." So Ra Twisky being out. First he picked up the person and he made him feel like a million dollars. And then afterwards, he told him what he told him. After the person feels good also in a good place, you gave him a compliment like nothing else. Then you could tell him now I show you you're wrong. So that's a third point. First of all, timing is everything. Second of all, less is more. Third, and this comes together with the first one of which is connected to timing, but also first give him something. Empowerment. Show him empathy. Pick him up. You're 100% RIGHT. THEN YOU COULD TELL him something different. Now I thought to read the Okay, hold on a second because I I I I forgot to bring it there which was just these days this past week where it says a story that somebody came to the alterba and he asked the alterba what am I missing? What am I missing? And the alter tells him that he has he has a problem with his ego. But when you read the story, hold on a second. Forgive me. I beg forgiveness. So the story goes that um I'm going to read you inside this. There was some super genius who was very very talented. He knew how to go in depth into any study subject. He came to the and he learned a lot of and he and he acquired a great knowledge in it says in his first that he went to the he said what am I lacking which already is beautiful. I thought to myself when you read this how many people do you know ask themselves the question when was the last time some guy came to this rabbi or to his mentor and said am I missing something? So that itself is beautiful. He was a vehicle for for for constructive criticism. He was ready to improve. He was searching. He was looking for how to become better. And then it says like this answered him. You're not missing anything. You're a god Jew and you're a big scholar. You just have to get rid of the which means the ego. You have to get rid of the and bring in the mat. So what I love about the story is how does first start off? He starts off by saying you're not lacking anything. First he gives him a wild compliment. Could you imagine the Reb tells you, "You're not missing anything. You just have to deal with your ego." But first, he lifts him up. He makes him feel like a million dollars. You're not lacking anything. It's like that rabbi. He tells the student, "You're 100% right." And then he tells him where you're wrong. So that's the um I'll finish with one story a new story that I never knew before and that is in page 182 it says that once said by a heard from the when the says a double lion you should rebuke is similar to humble which we learn from that is that only somebody who is circumcised could be a and this is the you know why it says first you have to always rebuke self. So imagine every single time a person ever criticized someone else which was non-judgmental and all the rules that we said before but guess what he this was part of the obligation is that before rebuking anyone else first you have to yourself every single time and whoever looks himself and is able to rebuke himself and it's an obligation on the person he knows who he is from. So I'm not sure if these are the words or it's commenting on it but the says everyone knows if they're honest about their own deficiencies and we don't have to elaborate. So should help that we're in the nine days and as the Reb explained many times I just saw this week where the Reb was so powerfully speaking about and he said the words meaning to say you shouldn't have to come to feel that you have to love him unwarranted love because that means you can't find any other qualities does he have we have to have that it shouldn't only be You should be able to be lavish in your praise when you see another Yid you say you're amazing, you're awesome, you're special, you're great, you're unique, etc. They should help that we should all improve and work on our soul and learn the lessons that we learn from this week's para that was the says the connection between this week's para and the nine days is that should be in such a way also that even though we're going through days that are connected to the it should only be in a way of first it should take care of us in a lavish way in an amazing way and if there's something slightly this whatever it should be in a minimal minimal feeling of something which is hurt. Hashem should help that we should see the taken from so that even right now we should find ourselves with posting from my home. You're a man in Melbourne.