This will CHANGE your CHILD FOREVER.

what does this mean to honor the personality and the uniqueness of a child to actually value the fact that they have their own personality because in the old Paradigm if I'm your teacher or your parent and you're my student or my child and you have a personality that can be a problem that can be disruptive but in the new paradigm to the contrary I want you I want to bring you close to me I don't want to make you into something you're not I want you to be you and with all your unique talents and perspectives that Hashem gave you I want to teach you how to use those qualities in the best possible way that's what the Mak is all about it's about attracting people and instead of taking away their personality teaching them to be the best version of who they already are teaching them how to figure out what they're good at and be even better that's the new paradigm so what does this look like I tell you a story about the laav and a 19-year-old girl there's a book called guidance from the reab by Peter CMS from London England and again this is a Crown Heights crowd so I'm going to ask you have you guys ever seen that book yeah you ever noticed that the picture on the cover of the book is a drawing of the Reb yeah it's a drawing of the rebbe it's like purple colored yeah you know who drew that cover that picture that's on the cover the picture of the Deb was drawn by Peter cm's daughter Tanya she was an artist she drew that picture the second time she was in Yus when she was 19 years old the first time was when she was 16 and her father brought her into Yus and she had just finished the first year of a two-year program in what we call uh the biters aren't so familiar with it but program called Mika and she had done the first program the first year and she didn't want to go back because she had or she felt she had Artis Talent so she wanted to go to art school and she told her e that's what she wants to do now picture this imagine this imagine a from girl comes to her from father and says I'm not going back to Seminary I want to go to art school so everyone's going to freak out right everyone's going to pan Panic no absolutely not oh no you can't yell at them because then you'll break them and then they'll fry out so okay fine all right whatever you want right we feel like those are our only choices two choices meaner than mean or totally permissive and I have a second cup of water okay thank you with all the water up here I'm going to last for hours up here but I'm try to take take it easy on you it's just I know it's Crown Heights you might think this is X and ner but it's just water good old good old H2O so imagine uh a 19-year-old girl says she's not going back to Seminary she wants to go to art school so we don't know how to respond to that like either we do the old style and we just totally shut it down no way young lady you're not that's crazy no you're not doing it or say oh you don't do the old style it'll it's too scary you know you don't know what'll happen if you shut her down so then you just say oh okay certainly yes of course art school like those are the only two choices so barem her father had SE and he said talk to the Deb talk to the Deb so she did she was in and she told what her plans were so I want to ask you a question do you think we have we have two options do you think option one is shut her down option two is let her do whatever the heck she wants so I want to ask you a question if you don't know this story yet do you think that debba did option one do you think the rebba shut her down no you all know that the rebit didn't shut her down because you know your rebbit option two did the rebba just let her do whatever she wants no so you guys already intuitively know that those are not the only two options because you know that your Reb wouldn't have done either of those now maybe you're going to think the Reb is a sadic the Reb can come up with a third option well yeah that's true but here's the cool thing we get to learn from the RAB we get to UL the and since this approach is not just something I have one anecdote to illustrate but rather it is demonstrative of a cohesive approach that the re explained in detail for decades so therefore it's not an isolated incident that we may hear and then we'll forget but rather it re enforces an entire worldview that you will see the debba repeat over and over and over and over again consistently you follow what I'm saying okay so that debba spoke with her like an adult like somebody with reason somebody with a brain that EBA said you know every morning in our morning blessings we Dove and we ask Hashem do not bring us to a test then why would you put yourself in a place where you're going to be constantly tested why would you want to be in an environment that is going to expose you to things that are going to be challenging difficult for you do you see and don't tell me that this is the de you can't do this you can and you have to and you will do you see how the immediately made it about what's good for the girl see it's so hard to do this because if you have an ego then children will push your buttons and they'll threaten your ego and it's scary and then what does the ego want to do wants to fight back it feels threatened right it's very scary these kids they're going to do crazy things and so then what do we start doing we start panicking we start thinking about how how how much it terrifies us and the second you go into a fear Loop where where you're afraid and then you try to control the people who are frightening you and then they act more unruly because you're trying to control them so you get more afraid and then you try to control them more the second you go into that fear Loop you're basically just talking to yourself because at that point you're not thinking about what's good for the other person you're thinking about what's good for you or probably more accurately you're thinking about what what what's bad for you what you don't want what you don't want for yourself how it's going to pain you how it's going to scare you for this person to do that behavior but what did the de do that ebba didn't speak like that that ebbot didn't say how could you do this to me you ever caught yourself saying that or various iterations of that if you've never said that or anything like that you probably don't have teenagers yet that's so but that ebba didn't say don't do this to me that ABBA said don't do this to yourself why would you do this to yourself you're going to cause yourself disharmony I want to point out another thing there so much to learn from this but when the debba is concerned that Tanya is going to cause herself Conflict by going to art school and then be tested there's an assumption there's an underlying assumption that EBA is making and it's a consistent assumption that the that EBA makes about everyone that that EBA interacts with and what is that assumption that debba is assuming when the debba says if you young lady go to art school and you're exposed to these things that run counter to yish kite it's going to bother you what's the Assumption there that EB is making that they care that's right that they care that is one of the fundamental tenets of the LA's worldview and you could say it in the in the way that we know how to quote it and it almost doesn't mean anything because we've heard these words at this combination of words so often that a Jew cannot be torn away from God every Jew desires to remain Jewish and to do God's Will and we say them so often they almost become like like slogans they lose their meaning so step back for a second and look what when somebody really believes about somebody else that they are a Nisha and that they want what's right and they want what's good and they want to be close to Hashem more than anything else when somebody believes that about another person you want to know what it looks like it looks like the way that ebba spoke to 19-year-old Tanya I'm concerned if you'll go to art school it's going to bother you it's not about me it's about you I know we all say that it's not about me it's about but it no the way that I been saying it's really it's not about me it's about you my child I don't want you to suffer you understand I just want to make sure that this is this is clear not just I don't want you to suffer meaning you're going to become spiritually damaged God forbid and you'll suffer in ways that you don't even know about and you don't even care about no but what I'm saying is something it's much harder to say and we really have to be super spiritual to be able to say it and mean it which is I know you my child and I know you are so sensitive it's going to bother you not just deep down on an Asama level but in a revealed way it's going to cause you angst it's going to cause you conflict conflicted emotions and I don't want that for you you know there's a letter that e wrote in English to someone who said that he was born a man but he always felt like he should be a woman it's a one-page letter in English and I I could sit and study that letter all night but I'll just bring out one point from it that has to do with what we're talking about right now and that is at at the end of the letter that EBA says that if you find this Troublesome you should speak to a therapist preferably a God-fearing one in other words the is not saying well you're crazy you got to talk to a therapist the that is saying I'm worried that you shouldn't feel distress I want you to be comfortable I want you to have somebody to talk this out with now obviously when you talk it out with somebody I want them to be God-fearing but that's again because I want you to actually get clarity so that you'll feel good it's all about compassion I should point out also in that letter another thing that's consistent with something I'm pointing out about the Tanya story and that is what is the main point that EBA makes to this person writing this letter that EBA says there are in Torah there are obligations for men and obligations for women and if you do something that can make your status questionable then you are going to confuse yourself so remember that point I made earlier about the Assumption the great assumption that the debba makes about all of us the assumption that what that you care so the debba Tells this person yeah I think you want to be careful about changing your gender because you're going to cause yourself confusion you won't know whether to put on the fill in or to chabas Candles now who says they care who says they care maybe they maybe this person wasn't even religious but you understand the way that that EBA views all of us and the way that we're supposed to view each other really because in chapter 32 of Tanya you were supposed to see all of each other as souls and if you see someone as a soul what does a soul want Soul wants to do what Hashem wants Soul wants to be close to Hashem so if you see somebody as a soul what assumptions do you make about what they really want and what will bring them true happiness you understand now there's no conflict between personal fulfillment and being Torah observant there's no conflict that's the old Paradigm the old Paradigm is you don't get get that personal fulfillment you have to be Torah observant the new paradigm is what do you think true personal fulfillment really is for a Nish being Torah observant so the debba Tells Tanya you're going to put yourself in a situation where you're going to be tested it's not going to be pleasant for you so she says back and by the way just the fact that a 19-year-old girl felt comfortable enough to to push back and to answer that deba after that EBA made his point the fact that she felt comfortable enough to answer by the way is to me the biggest Miracle of the labur ever because I know plenty of parents whose children are not comfortable expressing themselves to them who children feel deep fear of rejection and will not speak openly to their parents they just learn how to be very very good at secrecy which brings shame and self-loathing and yet this girl knew that she could be open with the Abba so what did she what did she tell the Abba she said but I want to know if I have what it takes I have a talent Hashem gave it to me and I want to know if I have what it takes it's a good point isn't it now if we were in fear mode in the 19-year-old made a good point that would be terrifying oh no she just made a good point and then we have to shut it down well I'm not talking any further about this craziness but what did the debba do so that debba said well that's a good point and you should try to develop your artistic skills but I'll tell you actually art schools aren't the best place to do that actually you don't get a lot of attention and it's really mostly just about the the culture over there which is part of the concern also the the environment if you're really interested in developing your skills hire a tutor get one-on-one training and it'll be tailor made for you you'll actually get attention and you get to develop your art but again that response that debba gave wasn't a push off that wasn't like a oh no I'm so afraid this kid's going to do something I got to figure out a way to thwart it I got to figure out a way to create an obstacle that EBA was able to offer that her that that that solution because the debba is still in the mode of it's not about me it's about you how can I help you how can I best facilitate your growth how can I best help you to be the best version of yourself and if you say being an artist is part of your gift to Hashem and part of your fulfilling your potential that God gave you great let me help you do that but let me really help you do that why don't you hire an art tutor the story isn't over though because uh that EBA says to her uh you wrote in your letter you know how Yus would work people would bring in a letter because a lot of people would be Tongue Tied B 19-year-old Tanya was not tongue tied and she was able to talk with the but um a lot of people wouldn't really be able to remember what they wanted to say so they would bring in a letter and the deba would read the letter they say that theba would put the paper on a pencil and scroll like you would twist the pencil and scroll the the paper like this and read it line by line very quickly so at this point that deba referred to Tanya's letter and says to her and this this part is mind-blowing because again if you are the parent here in this situation you just closed the deal you shot down the scary art school idea you offered her an alternative she's ready to take the alternative like leave it alone but see that's that's fear-based that's I'm afraid of what you might really want but when we look at the other person as a soul we're not afraid of what they might want we want to bring out more of what they really want we're not threatened by our children's personalities we cherish their personalities and want them to develop them as much as possible so even though technically from a negotiation standpoint that ABBA had won that ABBA said at this point in your letter you said a word that I didn't like you said that you are committed to kabad this 19-year-old girl writing to the Deb and telling the I'm committed to kabad what's wrong with that the deba said and this is very interesting in laich we don't like commitment we like inspiration we can't make people do anything we show them the truth and then we hope that they will do what's best so I don't want your commitment I want you to make a decision that you think is right tell me how many of us here are brave enough to say that in that exact same scenario where did The de's Bravery come from and I hope I'm not being overly presumptuous I think it's obvious how did the debba have the courage to tell this girl I don't want to force you to do anything I want you to do what you believe is right in your own heart how did the deba have the confidence to allow her to do that because the deba had confidence in her so you can't look down at people and be suspicious of their motives and at the same time trust them the two don't go together if you're suspicious of somebody you think that they have nefarious motives that you need to thwart and present obstacles to so the best you're going to be able to do as a parent as a teacher is to just control them in spite of themselves which may be the old Paradigm of the Mak but in the new paradigm of the Mak where instead of Rin and sheer willpower it's now Ty and pleasure we can relax and allow our children to be themselves because we have faith that they true selves are something wonderful because we believe that there's an Asama we believe that that is the true identity of every Jew we don't just say it we feel it and totally changes the the entire Rapport that I would have been able to have that conversation with Tanya if he was suspicious of her motives if he looked down at her if he thought she didn't really care she's just a teenager she just wants to have fun she just she's selfish you know teenagers they don't care about anybody else they're not respectful you see the results what happens when we think of people in terms like that we break people and in the end we don't even get what we think we wanted anyways because either they're broken and how well can they really function when we've broken them or they do the sensible thing and they resist being broken their survival mechanism kicks in and they run away and they Rebel and now out of survival out of sheer survival they throw off the Yoke and whose fault was it really it was ours because we were overly oppressive for no reason but you understand you understand I want to make sure this is very clear the alternative to being domineering and overly oppressive and shame-based and forceful the alternative to that is not just dropping everything and saying do whatever you want the alternative is the Mak lead lead with love lead with pleasure lead with joy lead with attraction lead yes lead show them the way to go give them goals tell them your opinion share your experience you're older and wiser but do it with love and do it with concern for them not out of fear for what's going to happen to you if they don't listen hey this is shase tab you were just watching a clip from this class if you want to get the full context the full class that this clip that you just watched was from you watch right here click right here here