Therapy Unveiled: Benefits and Risks with LCSW Nuchem Wosner

my first question is there's a little bit of a controversy now whether therapy is a good thing or it's not a good thing meaning that there is and and to emphasis on that there's meaning there's a good therapist that can help you actually but when people say therapy is not a good thing they're referring to the fact that there are some therapists that are not here to help you so how does one since you are a therapist how does one prevent themselves or or qualify or make sure that they find the right therapist and that they don't bump into this question of whether therapy is good or not yes first of all welcome Ellie it's a pleasure to be here thanks for having me here yeah um and um it's you're doing great work especially of opening the vulnerability and the way I like to say it is that uh we're all surviving the same world together we're all in the same world we all surviving it together so might as well supporting each other correct and being vulnerable and uh sharing how you feel is a great way of of uh supporting each other and and humanizing our experience in this human world yeah absolutely so to get to your question so therapy is a big word you know and it keeps on changing um if I believe therapy is good definitely I mean I'm practicing it um yeah so remind me the question was how one can make sure that when they sign up for therapy that this person is actually moving them in the right direction and not backwards yeah so so personally with clients I always uh open the discussion you know that I'm always happy for feedback and always want to hear feedback oh okay you know how the sessions are going and whether they're improving or not so ultimately the the best one to answer this question is the client themselves uh to I would say first to give it a chance especially when you new to therapy give it a chance a couple of sessions but then like to ask yourself what is it I want to accomplish in therapy and do I make progress towards that goal everyone has different goals to reach but evaluating do I make progress on my goal and if not bring her up at your therapist right and if you feel the therapist is open and is and gives you a satisfied answer and it makes sense for you yeah then you go further but if something in you tells you uh doesn't feel right trust yourself discuss it with a friend discuss it right always always trust yourself and and if the therapist is defensive or that's that's a rful like you should be be able to discuss it with a therapist right and to come to understanding whether it's working or not wow that's very very clear basically in other words you take the responsibility on either being um either being in touch with your therapist and being honest with them but also ultimately checking in if it works for you or not correct um another question that I had a lot on WhatsApp like literally hundreds of people asked which by the way if you want to join our WhatsApp Community the link is in the description um they they asked about the prices and I tried helping people by telling them two things which even I wasn't clearly aware but number one that there's insurance that pays and number two that there is certain organizations that pay which I'm going to try to put also on the description of this podcast and the in the description so if somebody wants to sign up but for those asking about the price how do you feel about the pricing um I know my personal opinion I'll say it briefly that I think that it is you got to pay a price for somebody to carry your the weight of what you you're sharing so it's always and and and then again I also think that there's a point where everybody finds what's important for them so meaning you know like you can't find the money for the therapist but you find money for your cigarettes or whatever it is right so everybody finds what's important to them and what's urgent so obviously if you don't find the money for it it's not urgent but then again people say legit that they have a big family and it's either pants for their children or therapist so what would you say to these people and if you can share perhaps something that people can use that when they don't have money or if there is a system a program organization correct so there is today's day there's many good clinics um here there's a couple of clinics many good clinics with good therapists you know they have good supervision even though they're starting out but there's good supervision and they good clinics which is covered by Insurance yeah you can find private transfer at therapist for insurance but it's harder mhm um but then if someone can afford to pay and chooses to pay there's definitely a big value in it um you can see it as it's so expensive but think about it the therapist has invested years and years of schooling and yeah their own therapy and their and the supervision you're sitting here with the hour the therapist but it's it's years of experience and uh wow and it takes work it's not like it's um it it takes work together to continue mental space and it takes a lot so I believe you definitely with a good therapist you get your money's worth right so it's a personal choice but as you're saying it's investing in yourself you know pays off yeah and it's choosing how you want to invest in yourself but I believe therapy is definitely a good way right wow that's fascinating so I had on my podcast interestingly I had a lot of people um like different coach es entrepreneurs um healers stuff like that but I never had an actual therapist like a what your title is lmsw or LCS LCSW which stands for what licensed clinical social worker okay and what what does that entail Yeah so basically basically this is the introduction I have here wner and I'm very Vos and I'm very excited we chose to speak in English and for those who want to know or want to get in touch so what does what does your title stand for what does your title mean and then a littlea how you got into it yeah beautiful um so title is simple that so once you go to school for to have become your masters in social work okay uh once you finish school you can go for your license which makes you a licensed Master social worker then you need three years and which includes a a couple thousand hours of uh clinical work with supervision so basically just like a doctor does intern and does uh residency in the hospital so you work in a clinic or a clinical setting with supervision and that gives you the shage so to say like uh to to give you the experience and then you can go for the next license which is a licensed clinical social worker oh wow which uh which basically that you prove to be uh to sit one-onone with people uhhuh and um and you've done your hours of getting your knowledge and your experience and and clinical work which is important right and how did you get into this um if you want to go into into depth you can go into dep but if I want to basically my my the point of my question is what made you curious to go to school to learn this skill and to actually help people yeah so um I was always curious about understanding people and uh helping people and Understanding Psychology um which I later understood that it was an effort to help myself basically right yep um you think uh by helping others but uh was a deeper desire to help myself and to understand you know what's going on with myself yeah which was a byproduct mhm um so just interesting story I had as a kid um probably like eight I was in the country playing with another boy with a neighbor and he told me that his brother-in-law in New York I lived in Montreal in country in Canada is going to school for psychology and me as innocent kid I said what is psychologist yeah and he tells me that just like there was a doctor for physical there's like a doctor for emotions wow I was blown away by it I've never heard of such a right um yeah and it made me very curious and uh whatever I was able to put my hand on whether it was the malice if you remember they the first one I think publishing about mental health or any tape shown by tapes like whatever I my hand on um and then but I had a chance after my I went uh went to school and then lated to graduate school so it was like certain for you that this is what you're doing it wasn't certain but um I had a chance to go to school school I jumped an opportunity because I liked it and it became more and more certain right but just to finish that story interesting thing the first day I arrived to graduate school one of my professors tells me that um Miss in-laws lives in Montreal and I was like wait a minute you're dad brother-in-law no that that was he going to school for psychology nice I came like full circle exactly that's beautiful oh so you went to school in Montreal no went in New York graduate school undergraduate did in Montreal and then went to New York I still lived in Montreal at the time and I traveled every week back and forth oh really for school yeah wow wow that's amazing so it's a it's a it's a it's an aspiring it's it's a nice journey and then uh I'm I'm curious I want to talk about problems cuz we're in a world where people are talking about mental health problems yeah um I for one felt victim to my own story and I heard one of the most fascinating quotes yesterday which is if you think that somebody messed up your life you are right that somebody is you H I like that so take the responsibility and that's what I keep on noticing about myself again and again and again it's not my upbringing it's not my family um it's really me that creates now a story out of all of it you know and chooses whether whether I want to be the victim whether I can be successful in business whether I can be successful in sh with with girls and whatever so so I I learned that problems for most of us is really a like a a self-made thing then again at a certain point these problems take us over which I believe that that's that's when you need somebody to pull you out of the mud you know what I'm saying you get dirty once twice that's okay but if you're deep deep inside you need a hand to pull you out yeah and I think that mentally we have the same situation you get dirty here and there you fall a little bit that's okay but if you fall deep and at a certain point you're way too lazy to get out of bed way unsuc you know unsuccessful to a point where you're not making money to cover your monthly budget um unsuccessful to a point where your marriage is falling apart or you can't seem to get a relationship at this point you need a lending hand and therapy will un unravel unwrap all these blockages that you built around yourself and go straight to the point to discover who is the real the real you over here you know yeah you brought few good points first I want to say about the victimhood that um it's a misconception that sometimes that people have resistance to therapy because you become the victim and you blame everyone yeah which unfortunately could sometimes happen but good therapy that's definitely not the goal the goal is to take you out of victimhood correct and to teach you that you're not a victim and how to take your experience and make the best out of it and grow from it right and the goal is definitely not to blame anyone parents or anyone the goal is to heal from it give space for your experience and heal from it and then move on and then even holding space for your parents and helping your parents correct so the goal is definitely is to come out of victimhood and um and that's how yeah that's how I keep on growing right so for me personally the the first time I went for therapy was a year ago it was summer and there was like way too many things happening for me so mnit passed away so that was introduced me to grief and to inner child and and his passing brought up everything that ever hurt me came up at that point um there was I think me like becoming Super Famous like one day to another so had to like switch Lifestyles like I would go out for with my family and I would have like seven people come over and if they're respectful that's one thing but if they're disrespectful it's really it's like for especially for inner child it's like what what what's happening here why why don't I have my space right um I had a few you know dating didn't work out for me a few things it was like everything came crashing down to the point where I was just really miserable and I feel like all all the signal started going off you know I heard this saying like anxiety is like a fire alarm it's here to warn you of something that's literally what happened to me like my signal started going off that Ellie you need you must find help and through therapy I was able to become confident with my career understand myself in the process of grief rebuild myself in the process of relationships um become more secure and independent with myself um so essentially this path if anybody's ever going to ask me whether they should do therapy or not I'm just going to send them this podcast because this is the goal that I'm trying to accomplish I'm trying to explain to you my story to hear how it helped and then you can hear from a from a licensed therapist ideas and Concepts nobody's here to convince you to go to therapy it's not a sales pitch I asked him to to meet him he didn't ask me to me but I I understand what it did for me and I also understand that one step after me feeling the way I felt a year ago was literally being suicidal which meant that my life would have felt and at certain points felt meaningless and we're not looking to get there so I want to go from meaningless to meaningful which is how I feel right now I feel confident I don't I don't care what anybody thinks about me um I very much love M schnitzler but it doesn't affect me on a day-to-day basis although sometimes I'll randomly very much miss him and it will put me into a Zone maybe um I feel like I can conquer everything and I feel like I'm I'm independent and independent human being I'm not anxious I don't have fear on a day-to-day basis sometimes I have an anxious day maybe or an anxious moment but I at least I live free I live free to enjoy the world and that's what happens with me when I get depressed the number one thing that bothers me is like I really want to enjoy life I know what enjoying life feels like so let's understand if somebody does sign up for therapy what is the process for them because most people haven't gone to therapy that's the that's the the statistics the facts um so I'm curious if you can talk about it what what happens walk me through if I was never by a therapist what the experience would be like beautiful so life life can be overwhelming at times and uh it helps to have someone you know to help you sort out things and uh help you to cope with things make sense out of things and see how to cope with stuff so a therapy that I use a lot is called ifs which stands for internal family system yeah which basically means that there's many parts in you mhm it's like a family in you internal family there's many parts in you and what happens is that all the parts are conflicting with each other and they're fighting with each other and it gets confusing and it becomes chaotic okay because part of me is pulling ha part of me is pulling ha and I don't know like which one is real and which one do I want and one is a conflict of the other and where is it pulling and when like meaning if I want to make a decision in Life or if I want to do something it's an example making decision in Life or uh so now one part is telling me to go do it the other part is telling me no you can't do it one part is shaming me giving me fear exactly shame guilt fear or uh let's say addiction like you don't want to do something but part we wants to do it like absolutely what part of he wants what part of he don't want right doesn't want so with the process first we identify all the parts give space for all the parts it's like okay this part is saying this this part is saying this okay and then like we understand which part is like a protective part some parts are just protecting you from a very young age to make sure what part actually does what when you say part this part does this part is referring to a person part is referring to a feeling part of the person um which is usually combined with feelings yeah okay but it's part of the person so and for example protective parts so for example anxiety and depression are usually protective Parts ah like I'm anxious to go somewhere right let's say have social anxiety so I'm anxious to go to that place because once as a child I was very shamed in public so how can you walk me through it like I'm I feel anxious to go away for shab I love being home for shabas okay so you want to walk through personal or like yeah get personal right no no I'm just saying want to yeah okay so so what's the fear what's the fear that the fear is that I will be there and I won't feel comfortable I always say this my fear is the feeling most of our fears is a feeling we're not afraid of actually doing something like I'm I'm okay to jump out of a plane right to go what's it called skydiving but I'm I'm afraid of the fear what happens if I jump and I feel like I'm dying I don't want to I'm afraid of the feeling yeah so what's going to happen when he Ares there what's going to happen when going be uncomfortable exactly I arried there I'm uncomfortable and a choas you can't do anything right you can't leave you can't use your phone um you're some what's the worst that's going to happen so I'm I'm telling you I can't leave if I want to leave number one I can't distract myself with my phone or anything like that I can't even go into my own bed for comfort you know if I want to just ignore everything I can't eat my food that I want to eat which I have at home I probably won't have the exact people that I have at home um and mo the and and the seventh thing is I probably won't be able to have the the Comfort the feeling of I'm surrounded with the right people and I can just the feelings overall good so think of the peak experience meaning like the worst minute like when everything is crashing together like whenever it's Friday night or whenever like and like it's too much from all sides yeah how does that feel like the peak moment like what's the feeling is it like Panic feeling of panic Absol I was just going to say absolute panic panic okay panic attack okay and I just want to run away from there good so if you think about the Panic what is the Panic the Panic IS F fear fear fear of that I'm not okay that not okay meaning physically emotionally yeah emotionally emotionally okay so can you hold space for that Panic can you hold space that okay it's it's it's Panic is Extreme fear so it plays out it's like I'm panicking it's like okay can you see that part of me is now panic in and hold space for that Panic yeah I can hold space for that Panic right right so the issue is usually that we never learn to hold space for the Panic we'll we'll do many many many steps not to get to that Panic yeah because at a young age I've trained myself that it's the worst thing to get to that Panic feeling correct but in therapy we can learn to hold space for that panic and even though this Panic comes not to to be so afraid of it and then it passes wow and then it passes so this is the first part of cuz the Panic protects you it protects you your anxiety protects you from feeling the panic but then I would go back you know like what that Panic reminds you of like where you had that in your childhood or like what that brings back that your system got trained that I can't be in this scenario right I understand wow I I know the opposite of it that I just want to feel feel comfortable and happy and I would say most of all safe yeah you I always think to myself in my worst scenarios of anxiety I always thought to myself that if I travel on a bus that this bus has a doctor and a and a and a and a and a cup and aam and a sham and whatever like if this bus has everything in it then I would feel safe yeah but any but if not then I don't feel safe cuz wherever I go I'm not safe and I TR and I worked very hard to build up this safety Within Myself yeah so safety goes on many levels that's safety on the surface which which we we can work with so why do so many people not feel safe and how does one build safety correct so safety goes on many levels um meaning what is safety I think safety is a certain calmness safety is knowing that everything will be okay correct belief in Hashem and God you know like but I I don't think that safety applies to most people today's days it's more an ignorance or ignoring problems because most people live in survival these days correct but true safety is being fully comfortable with yourself and fully comfortable in this moment right so there's many levels to it there's basic safety physical safety emotional safety but then comes deeper safety you have like am I truly satisfy myself and feel okay with myself and as you mentioned like the ultimate level is only true a because no one can really give you that safety right even with the healthiest parents with with the healthiest upbringing there's still going to be like like am I safe and it boils down to trust to trust hem fully and there's levels and levels of it but we're always looking for that safety and and yearning for it and there's many levels to work out to become to get to deeper and deeper safety that's what's a common way to work out what's one way that somebody an average person can work on feeling safe with themselves so wherever they go and whatever they do they feel safe right so in therapy I would start with um you know what makes you unsafe and defining the parts that makes you unsafe and giving space for it and healing it but then the deeper Parts the best tool is thill that's uh wow cuz is a personal connection to hasm and it's surrendering you're like showing that it's ble surrendering right so if I can always talk to Hashem like I'm safe right what does a therapist feel when they have a problem does that make you feel like a failure like that here I am helping people mentally but I'm not doing well today mentally or emotionally no meaning I'm human just as everyone else and um for most of my years I was in therapy myself MH um and not so it's not about being perfect because no one is perfect and Perfection doesn't exist on on this world because this world is a journey right so when I have challenges that's part of my journey and I obviously have my ways to deal how I deal with it um sometimes better and sometimes harder but uh that's my journey so it's not like I'm the perfect person that's why I can declare myself and others it doesn't work that way it's I have my journey and at the same time that I have my journey I can hold space for your journey it's not a contradiction right we're all journeying together and how do you see clients when you're having a very bad day and now you have to listen to their Bad Day right so it's I'm just trying to get into interesting questions I people course mind so I say I would try to Center myself before the session the best I can and it's um I can learn to separate both know to and to right this is your work at the end of the day it's what you enjo end of the day it's work I'm relating cuz if I'm having a bad day I can also see myself still going onto Zoom meeting for Weber media and kind of push it through you know like still get what I need give what I need to give yeah I can learn to separate but at the same time to hold space for my experience like to take deep breaths just like I hold space for the client's experience right you're also you're going through something I'm going and the client doesn't have to know it but I can be vulnerable it's not an issue just like it doesn't pay to Heir my my issues yeah but I can breathe right and and and hold space for my stuff the harder work is with your own people with my own family and over there you can't separate because it's not mental separate so when having a bad day like what to do there do do you find it that some of your clients are literally coming just to to talk and the conversation is very positive versus coming here to solve problems and to continue to heal just to talk meaning well our clients are more talkative but usually when a client comes they come to they have prove themselves uhhuh um sometimes clients use talking as a cop mechanism they'll talk talk talk talk talk but it's actually a way of staying stuck in the head and resisting feeling and when I notice that I would try to slow them down it's like okay take a deep breath what do you feel uh right so yeah nice that's powerful I like that there's we have many many copy mechanisms our system is very very smart to to figure out you know how to cope with stuff and escape and I yeah I feel that when people are calm and general and they're safe then everything else in their life works out yeah it's a very simple like shift that you have to take true and it's not easy I've I'm saying it's not easy because I've I've been in certain scenarios in my life where I knew that the simple shift and be you know be secure and mindful and talk to Hashem I knew that it doesn't it doesn't work so the starting point to that is always acceptance right and acceptance always starts in this moment right can I accept exactly how I feel my circumstance my outside circumstances feelings even though I hate it even though with passion right can accept this is how I feel in this moment this is how I am at this moment right and from there you can grow you can right cuz if you're fighting your moment it's like no I need to be like this I need to feel like this and you're fighting with something right the minute you're fighting with something you're in conflict with yourself right and I heard you say a very interesting thing you said that unfortunately we only heal when we are in pain and we go through pain so most people most yeah most people don't really even grasp this because I don't think they reach the level of pain they're still in the ignorance of stuff just like I have been so that's why I'm saying it like I've I've ignored my entire life until I was 24 and then it kind of crashed it was like oh this doesn't make sense anymore I can't be living this way just ignoring pushing down uh um suppressing I said no more but why why is it that only why is it that pain technically is so powerful and that people wait until the pain hits yeah so by default we we either run towards pleasure or we run away from Pain mhm by default um as humans so if life goes smooth you know why shake up things why change things why and unfortunately for or fortunately that's how hasm designed the world that when he wants to shake you or it seees it's time for you to change mhm then he'll make it so pain painful it becomes like so pressing that you have no choice of looking at it and finding a way to breaking out of it mhm wow and sometimes the person needs big shift and like a bigger squeeze bigger pain will force you out of it that's that's how it works not that there has to be we can learn to appreciate life and and connect to Hashem and appreciate yourself and grow from there and grow true positivity right I'm not saying it has to be true pain but often that that's how right it starts do you feel like you can also diagnose people like if somebody calls you they're not sure what they need how they need it was part of my training to diagnose according to the DSM the the psychological terms um although I don't like to put people in that boxes so to say because I think people are much more comprehensive than that are much bigger than that I mean it helps to like Define and understand you know in terms of treatment you know what this person is suffering and how to set up the treatment but I wouldn't put it in the person in the backs of diagnosis so to say because the person is much more than his diagnosis where where does victimhood even come from which is something that so many people struggle like they're a victim to something unless except instead of realizing that they're just a free human being to be whatever they want whenever they want and as you mentioned like people evolve and continue the grow yeah so I think it's simply it's much easier to blame others and take responsibility wow it's way easier um you know unfortunately some therapists buy into that you know of like too much victimizing and um but it's it's changing so and so it's to learn that yes I can take responsibility you know I don't have to blame someone I can look at myself and okay so what what what is not working in my life yeah let's say I don't blame anyone and neither myself it's not about blaming yourself neither it's like okay so but what what's happening and what can I take responsibility meaning responsibility is simple the first step is what can I honestly look at yeah I can be honest this is what I'm struggling with it's okay yeah absolutely and how can I slowly change it right so you're saying the acceptance part is is the resistance part like people they have a difficulty seeing that oh perhaps my life is not exactly where it can be or should be and also people are trained like that unfortunately like if your parents kept on blaming you or whoever it was if you got a message even if they didn't mean it MH but if you got a message as a child that I'm blamed that I'm not going to do it I'm not good yeah so I'm learned okay someone has to be at blame so if it's not as a child you only I only blame myself now I'm an adult I'm already smart it's your fault I love I love that you said that because everything leads back to our upbringing which is very hard for people to see because they're they so blocked it out and they try to ignore it so when you tell them it goes back to your upbringing they're like oh don't bring it up again and I don't want it to affect me it was funny I was walking at the beach this morning and I I do a three mile walk every day I love doing it in the morning because I'm full of energy you know at night you just I just survived the walk but so it was a good walk and I hear this um this mother is talking to her child and the child tells the mother like the mother is saying something about you can't do this and the kid just goes quit it you know quit it and yeah and the mother is like you talking about a seven six seven year old child maybe five even and the mother says you know you can't talk that way and I'm thinking to myself where did the kid get that language if not from the mother right meaning that when the k tried to express himself the mothers told the kid quit it so so many things in our life that we are using to cope or things that are holding us back I always I often say if people won understand how our our upbringing affects how we are as adults think about that family that doesn't have any money but they're doing very nice sh every sh is at the age of 19 in that family and then vice versa think about that family that has plenty of money but there's no over there that's what that what that's what a family system really is because in their heads family so it's always how we are brought up with certain things if we zoom in on on on in certain families so everything became a bad ble am I doing am I doing it right or am I doing it wrong am I getting for this or am I doing an and certain families had had it more chilled easygoing more accepting more loving and open so that they now grow up to be adults and they're very independent or they have a very positive view of going to shield and doing certain things correct it's your training around your training system so talking about upbringing it's it's how number one it's how hasem designed the world and for a reason you know we are humans no animals like that you see a baby deer like his I don't know how many one day and he's running I know exactly but only humans like the first couple of years they're fully dependent of their parents right physically emotionally psychologically on all levels um which makes us very very vulnerable extremely vulnerable and obviously hasm designed that for a reason because every person has their mission mission meaning their their life is their mission their life journey is their Mission and Hashem designs the recipe for every person how to get to their mission how to get to their life journey to their life and that's by sending down to this specific family you know this is your training round yeah this is what you're going to get and from this you're going to have to break out right meaning find yourself in this obviously it's the parents job to do the best job they can right but ultimately it's the it's the kids when the kid comes a grownup to become a grownup meaning that I recognize what my parents gave me and what did that tray me so it's not about sort of looking negatively at the upbringing it's it's part of it's your DNA it's it's what got you till here and it's your job to to take what got to till here and take it further right wow that's amazing I remember yeah I love what you just said I remember for a while I was very upset at my upbringing and and I I had this coach that told me like start making a list of the positive things CU at the end of the day you're you're a little bit stuck in your head and you're just seeing the negatives of everything but really like there's also positive stuff there's positive things in your upbringing even though it wasn't perfect but I think that I think this awareness that people are feeling today the next thing that it leads them to say is that wow I'm now noticing how careful I have to be with my children like I spent shabas with a friend a close friend of mine and he he went through his own Journey a beautiful journey by the way how he took responsibility and how he became so independent and was even able to like to to live alone and how he beat his anxiety and became successful he has a very nice Journey but he was telling me you know what I realized after all of this that how sensitive it is to raise a child and I think that that in part is something that people really don't pay enough attention to yeah so we as humans are very sensitive and very fragile yeah so it helps you know to hold space for your child um the best thing what works is to be authentic to be real because all all kid wants is like real love real connection right and it's by being real with them you can be vulnerable with them and be real and give them give them space for their experience right the more you give space for your experience you can give space for their experience and just like yeah accept them for who they are like it's not about being a perfect parent no parent is perfect right but accept yourself and accept your kid for who he is and hold space for his experience right but ultimately the parents also need to remember that just like I have my journey my kids will have their journey and it's nothing I can do to make their Journey a perfect journey I can no matter what they choose I can hold space for their Journey right but your parents have their journey I have my journey and the kids have their Journey ultimately well every individual has their journey I can do my best to hold space for it and to embrace and bring out the positivity in their Journey wow but ultimately everyone is their Journey right right it's very very very beautifully said about how to be sensitive towards them but also allow them and understand that at the end of the day you won't be able to control even though you are the best parent they have a journey that they have to fulfill and he will do do them good if he tried to control their Journey yeah Absolut I think that that's something that in our community personally I think that that changed changing yeah changing they say no they say today that the like otd which used to stand for of the D now stands for on the D right the same otd and I think that the acceptance and the love that we have I just watched like AA from shabas of Toni um and all the duses over there talk about this concept of how people should be towards their children and I'm I'm I'm glad to say that I have I think the most supportive parents that I could have asked for you know they're so supportive of my journey and uh my podcast and my Vlogs and and everything I do with my company where we media where we provide social media management for companies like they've always been here to support me and tell me yeah Ellie you got this and they're always on the lookout for clients you know my my father brings me clients my mother bring brought me clients like they all Tred yeah like really really great parents and and at the same time they also notice that there's certain things maybe that they didn't do right and they they try to do it right you know like I have a brother that's 20 years younger than me from the same parents and they treat him different in a lot of ways you know like if he cries they'll allow him to cry versus a lot of other parents that you know when the kid cries you know zash still they make me ahead you know they don't allow their kids to fully Express so they became a lot better parents in for themselves and that actually inspires me it tells me that perhaps wow you know what I think I'm also ready like I can see the sensitivity towards myself now I can see the sensitivity towards towards um other people towards my own children and how to treat them and to understand that if I'm having a very bad day then to remove myself from also think about it that by doing your work you're also helping them because you're by holding space for yourself right you allow them to hold space for themselves and to improve them right do you find I see it a lot that like parents really project everything on their children everything that they're feeling you know when they're telling their children shame on you really they're feeling shame right on themselves kids kids are a big reflection so kids especially they're they're very deep Mir mirror that's why it's so sometimes very hard to face cuz what your kid plays out is if you see it it's usually something in you wow it's usually something in you and and you'll see when when a person's changing and uh like and comes in like to their kids with good intention and with positive feelings right the kids feel it immediately and immediately match your vibration right so which means don't blame your kid for being in a bad bad mood yeah put yourself in a good mood right and you'll see how your kid will become in a good mood too wow that's super powerful I'm I'm I'm curious because I I was having a conversation with somebody and we were talking about you know Ur and the children I said every Ur and a child comes from Aur and a home from a gur so meaning every child that you're saying is not is not according to your way it's coming from a child from a father every child that's not on the way is coming from a father that is on the way and I think that that's a very big misconception right probably the reason why your child is not on the right way is probably probably because you weren't on the right way now it comes in different shapes and sizes yeah if the father can't stand the child then it's the father's job is like why can't it's my child what part of me can't stand as child what what is he triggering me right is he expressing something that deep down I would want to express to but I'm not ready to right and and he has the guts to express it or to to explain it to to bring out that flavor in life that maybe I want to bring out but I don't know how or I'm afraid to and maybe I need to face it or is it parts that I'm In conflict with myself right that that comes out and I have an issue facing uhhuh and these thousands of teens that we're seeing today that are choosing a different path or they're more or less religious what is this coming from it's coming from finding finding themselves so right so so in a sense is it a good thing or is it just pure bad it's not about good and bad everyone has their journey and and people go too many lengths to find themselves um and it's a good thing you know especially if you talking about teenage years it's it's a time when it's meant to find yourself but they have so much uncertainty within their Journey at the end of the day they're not comfortable they feel like something is missing I was talking to a girl the other week and she was telling me how she said I'm not how I grew up you know originally she's from Lakewood so I'm not how I grew up and she said I'm also not comfortable with where I am you know now she uh wears pants and she doesn't keep shabas and I so I I tried telling her look you'll never be completely comfortable where you came from that's in the past and where you're going right now was trying to become something that's perhaps in the future I said don't become comfortable with those two way become comfortable with your way correct and it takes uncertainty to get certain oh so that to me that's frightening even for myself if I'm to choose a new way I'm choosing my way that's that's very scary it is it is frightening but that's what builds you it takes uncertainty to find certainty meaning you have to sort true okay this is uncertain this is uncertain but where do I find a certainty if I just follow okay this is what I need to do this I was told but it's not it's not individualized I'm not certain because I'm certain but if I'm able to look at my uncertainties then I can find my certainty wow but so it but it is it is a journey it is a frightening process but but I would say in today's days we're fortunate there that there many people that can support you in your way like not only therapist there's many mas and rabam today that's way more open-minded right that can hold space for your experience and that can allow you to be uncertain right and that you can trust their advice that they're not biased that they're here to help you and help your figuring out your path right so bash there are many uh mpm today and people that right so I had a fascinating story that happened last week I put out a few podcasts about mental health and I had this uh one therapist reach out to me and tell me like wow you know you're so amazing you're so awesome your work is amazing and you're coming out and you're sharing and whatever and then I noticed to myself and then I just just you know he he he sent me a photo of himself and I see the guys with a reckle and a hit and the a beard and Pious like I'm and I'm like I felt a little bit like I felt like wow you know you're you come from the community that in part I had resentment and you're giving me so many compliments and he told me that he's part of a group of friends that do that like and he's a mental health professional and I I felt and then we started talking having conversations how how mental health is being you know he sent me a picture of there was a mental health aifa with with hundreds of runam right and he started telling me about how many rabam are implementing these mental health precautions in their community and how widespread it's becoming and so I started noticing I had this huge awareness where I said I was resenting part of my upbringing part of the fite yish kite stuff like that but in reality no I'm on the same team as them and then there is the ignorant people right so and the real RAM and Reb support mental health they know very well what what it means yeah they're seeing the uncertainty up close and then there's people that are just ignorant that we're all on the same team so uh when I started out when I for me it was a big like a big S of relief like I'm not fighting anyone I'm just part of something you know because for a while I was like I I have to run away I have to bring awareness but no everything is on the right path I became a lot more calmer with where our community as a whole is going correct correct so when I started out went to school I could have come to my hand how many yish speaking therapist there was oh wow how many years ago we talking I graduated 2012 when I graduated and you started this almost 20 years ago you you started this journey it's crazy yeah and now we have like tens and hundreds right hundreds of ye therapist men and wom yeah so it's definitely changing it's changing Big Time awareness and that's a good point that's a good way to measure it yeah beautiful Lally watch watch it improving like crazy okay um and but at the same time to remember as I started that we're all one big community and to remember that all yeen are one and we are supporting each other and maybe people are still ignorant or like they don't understand but it's okay we can hold for everyone right right right and um yeah talking about kasas I mean it's it's it's important to connect to Our Roots because inas meaning the teaching ofas can be looked as just a culture it's a community which is part of it which has a lot of beautiful Parts in it right but the essence ofas which comes from B is that he he gave away gave certain teachings yeah that the students took took further everyone under their direction right but essentially is to find your personal connection to Hashem no matter what that looks like no matter what that looks like wow and and we have the ability to connect to it so what happened so why are we in a judgmental Place why is it that if I the truth is I I shouldn't say I don't feel that judged I I don't I I was I I I wear whatever I want I do whatever I want pretty I mean in in health context you know but I also understand who my community is and what respect is also but at the end of the day there is a judgment right there is certain judgment you know if somebody's especially if somebody's to do a bigger thing like maybe not keep shabas or a girl wears pants or something why is there so much judgment are people just not aware that we're all one and special yeah it comes from a few angles number one um it was a way of of of protecting the community of you know like putting boundaries and and it got interpreted as you know as I'm judging you or you have to be a certain way which obviously there's got to be boundaries and there got to be nothing stands without boundaries but you always got to remember what the I and what the tougher you know yes there's got to be certain boundaries and things have to fit in obviously has to fit in with the T and it has to be and then you know what is my personal connection to to yish then was my personal connecting to my kids and and to Hashem and and to to my community so forget sometime what the was tful you know like that essentially it's all through through akas and through and through love is that the driving force or am I stuck in my insecurities and trying to protect myself and protect and and Afraid so and perhaps I don't know maybe today it is the driving force you know what I'll be very honest with you I don't know I started with a question why do we have judgment I don't know if we still have judgment I don't know it's rapidly changing it's definitely changing rapidly changing like you can see love and acceptance towards a child that is not I can't remember which I posted on my status this Dua from this uh from uh I'll say his name misel and he's talking you ever saw that I'll send it to you he's talking about his own experience with a child and he keeps on saying literally how he failed her to respect her for what she was doing because everything she was doing in his mind was completely wrong right but in fact this kid was struggling and it was his kid yeah I think that I think that that changed I think that in many ways there's definitely changing and it starts by accepting ourselves absolutely right if you can't accept yourself it's hard very hard to accept others so how and how is the older person accepting this is the challenge that I have because when I think about acceptance I'm thinking about this The 40-Year-Old the 50y old this 60-year-old to accept me I want my grandfather to accept me for who I am and he's 75 how does he come to awareness it's never too late I have 47 year-old to come here like it's really yeah it's never too late and um sometimes you kids are teaching you and then forcing you together and you have a look on your life it's like okay let me first accept who I am where I am right do you also do therapy for couples I used do more couples now I do mainly individuals uhhuh meaning that struggle with right there there are many good coule therapists out there mhm um today I do more individuals but yeah coule therapy is very good thing do you think Rel do you think people should go for couple therapy even though they don't have a problem like if I'm happy with my uh spouse should I come here and just prevent things before that's happening there's no there's no challenges and uh NLC um it's more like finding ways how to improve your marriage doesn't have to be through uh therapy but talking about people choose therapy in different ways meaning question what your goals in therapy are some people like okay I have this issue and let me solve it and I solved it like it's under control and I I move on and some people choose to have continuous growth in their life some people choose true therapy and some people choose through through a rabit through a there's many different ways but so you can choose it in different ways yeah sometimes I think to myself like if I would have a wife I would be able to hold space for her and be there for her and vice versa she would would be able to hold do you think that a spouse relationship is crucial for is helps for mental health yeah I mean it's it's everything like a good healthy marriage as a team like if they're equal mean equal meaning like equally invested of supporting each other right equal doesn't mean like I'm pen and paper okay like I'm doing this you have to do this CU then it's technical it's like I'm equally I'm fully invested in you you're fully invested in me it's a team so on the kids it will reflect tremendously on the kids the kids will be healthy kids ah right and and it gives you it gives you everything healthy marriage is everything right and why do you think so many people today are not happy I mean we have like a 50% divorce not in our community but in in the world because you come into the marriage with wounds and and subconsciously you expect the other one to be a father to be a mother ah right right even though you're very aware of it sometimes it will still happen on many subconscious level takes a lot of work personal work to to say okay like whatever I didn't get from my parents is my job yeah obviously my spouse can support me and give me love and and support but that deep deep feeling you know like it's it's on you right and not to project it on them and to blame them it's like take responsibility for yourself and two healthy people can make a beautiful marriage right but when you come with big wounds it's going to get triggered the marriage is going to trigger everything all right that's that's so true wow yeah it's powerful I I I often say like people talk about the shim crisis and I love saying that there is no shim crisis because there's enough boys and there's enough girls right but I do see that I I'm somebody that reads A I would say on average once a day I read a and you'll be shocked by what I tell you that 80 or 90% of the sh that I read are a boy or a girl that's not even interested they're not interested in the wow um it can be a perfect girl if can be the the the the amount of nonsense oh she's one year older than me one year younger and they you know they do this or they do that or they just don't even answer me like I read you all I asked is for your resume and they go on whole back and forth so that means that we have that something is wrong with this individual was never the sh yeah yeah I like what he said in the other podcast that it's it was unto personal responsibility it's like if if you're not married like so have a look on your life like what is resisting in your life yeah that that you're not there yet not in a blaming way just of what I need to improve right for for the past year I personally removed myself from sh legit I mean and I I can tell you why I wasn't my I didn't feel financially stable within my business and now I do I didn't feel that I had the proper uh uh communication skills and and the communication skills Within Myself like I I didn't exactly know what I want how I am I didn't feel safe and secure with myself back then which now I do feel um there were there were so many things where I knew that going into relationship right now is just is just wrong which now I feel a lot more confident with it and even though that I'm confident right now to go into a relationship I also understand and know that there is a lot of work to be done but I'm still willing to take the leap of faith like I'm still willing to jump in and say okay let's make it work together like I'm not perfect right and you are probably not going to be perfect or maybe yeah that's that's up to to the other person right but at least I have this awareness this level of awareness and security within myself that I know it's going to be okay okay I know that I that I got this I know that I can be there for another person I know that I'm mentally emotionally healthy I'm curious one question that I had before already is do you help people mentally or emotionally I'm very curious or does it work together I believe it works together it definitely works together there's how do you define mentally mentally I guess is more the thought process yeah the thought process and and and then emotions and we need both we need we need the mind and the Heart so it's on both levels sometimes people are more stuck in the mhm emotional part and sometimes people more stuck in the mental part but it's the Balan book right what do you find that people struggle most with right now on a day-to-day basis from what you're [Music] seeing yeah that's a big question but um essentially is to to find themselves and um H hard to say most people but right everyone has their flavor you know what they struggle whether it's anxiety depression trauma but it's it's to be in peace themselves and and be aligned with their life right on uh many levels we come down to this world and we're living life yeah and life is happening it's a question of how much you're aligned with it right how much you become in peace with your process absolutely and that's what we're all going for and today's Days people doing very deep healing mhm that that we didn't have the luxury to do before we were busy surviving right after the war and everything and now it's we can take a step back and do very deep healing right so what what does deep healing look like deep healing looks like to being able to have a honest look on the deepest insecurities the deepest Dark Places so to say like that I wouldn't want to go there yeah um whether internally and externally right and to have a look at it and to clean process clean traumas mhm um and being able to face being able to face everything and then slowly and then getting in touch with your intuition mhm um where we're very disconnected from our intuition like you see like animals for example they're they're fully aligned with their intuition yeah right like wherever they need to jump or wherever they like everything just happens yeah sort of automatic they the they don't think that's animals are humans have a choice we have that's why we're not it's not doesn't always have a natural but we do have a natural part in US yeah that knows what's good for us right and we're so trained to to live from the head meaning to think true life and to figure out life right and okay so what's always like what's going to be my next step and how I'm going to figure out life and what the other person's going to think of me wow but it's not like actually living and actually living requires intuition like like what works for me what and what do I want for myself where do I want to go so it takes trust but since we're never trained to do that we're petrified of like because it's all judgmental so what the other person thinks or how I judge myself it's like wait a minute if I can take away all the judgments what do I actually want yeah and when it comes then when it comes to decisions you can take a deep breath it's like what feels right for me yeah and it works out you learn to trust your intuition right so after doing the deep cleaning or together with doing the deep cleaning you can get in touch with your intuition and starting to live your journey right I love what you just said because we're not just addressing problems here we're addressing what and I always love going there my the name of the podcast is positivity right and I love I love of talking about the positives the reason I'm doing this is not to expose the problems that we have in clly St the reason I'm doing this is literally for what you just shared that how when you get in touch with your intuition you'll live the best happiest life everything will flow you will enjoy you will feel good on a day-to-day basis you will be mentally clear you'll be there for your spouse for your children for your friends um super powerful I I love this conversation that we had that I think is going to help a lot of people understand the point of view of therapy the point of view from a regular person um to finish it off I'm curious for somebody that's we'll talk about depression and anxiety separately but somebody that's going through depression and maybe they don't want to go to a therapist yet or they don't have the money or whatever what what's a couple of things that you walk through your clients day to day to get out of depression what's something that this person can do now a couple of things that they can do to move the right direction from first from a technical perspective exercise helps a lot mhm um it helps for the for the brain um eating right sleeping right um you know going out meeting people from a technical perspective but then there's also the part of depression is usually a indicator that something is not working in your life and you're not listening to it wow and you see the way of your body and your system saying like I've had enough I'm shutting down right it's like if you're not going to listen to me like I'm out of it right wow so it's to start listening to yourself what is it I really want it's not like doesn't mean I need to make drastic changes tomorrow and it's not always never a good idea like make drastic changes unless like it's certain that from all sides you need to do it but first to give space for it it's like what is it I really want then you figure out the steps out together yeah but like what is not working in my life that my life decided to shut down right and and and to indicate to me that something I'm not happy about something right so to first open that conversation with yourself like what is it I want from life I love that and if I don't know that's that's okay so you got to start where you're at I love that I respect I know that I don't know yeah I love what you just said because like I had this conversation with Shia after the podcast last week and he like we we talking about different things in life and different uh I I was talking we were talking actually about different uh uh addictions um and I was trying to like justify these addictions like everybody needs it like everybody needs a a cigarette once in a while everybody wants to look at something that you're not allowed to at some point or everybody wants to you know Escape Escape or you know it's different things that people escape for an addiction and he was saying that no problem it's okay you're allowed to justify it but the justifying it is the is already the the results is already the the the effect right what's the cause right and he gave me one of the biggest awarenesses in my life I'm like cuz he was he literally what you just said like what's the what's the cause give it give it some space why am solution correct what's the problem what's the problem why you run right why am I even feeling the urge to do this and this right now right and and then make the decision what you want to do but tap into that urge why do I have the urge to do this thing um last question anxiety I think it's something that we all struggle on different levels I learned to make peace with my anxiety like I feel that my anxiety helps me in very big ways even though certain things that I'm very uncomfortable with um like I know for a certain while I was like struggling a little bit with like dizziness and it's very very uncomfortable to struggle with with dizziness cuz like I'm potentially a showman and I don't want to feel dizzy in middle at a show and stuff like that but I also noticed that how it saves me from some many things how many shows I didn't go to because of it or how many places I didn't visit or how many days I took off to rest because of it so I noticed how anxiety is literally here like my friend and every time it comes up it's literally like knocking at my door hello um what's doing I I have this problem and I I want your attention I need your help Ellie like my whole life now is my life is on steroids like everything that I do is magnified is bigger better greater deeper the feelings are deeper because I'm much more in tune and part of it is because of my age you know I'm 26 and I learn so much and I can't go back to a young 19-year-old self that's ignorant you know what I'm saying like um so I'm I'm trying to say that all these feelings and emotions that came out they just made my life even better because a good moment is so much better and a bad moment might be sometimes worse but at least I know how to handle with it um what do you make of all these emotions that come out and specifically anxiety which is something that a lot of people struggle they're just worried about so many different things how does one work right so anxiety is meant to protect yourself and it's not a bad thing meaning it's it's a matter of how you cope with it for some people it feels out of control right that's when it's extreme that's when it's extreme so first to understand the concept that anxiety is there for you to protect you and to save you because like what is going to drive you to do the right thing so to say it's like okay I'm cautious I'm anxious like is it going to work out it's not going to work out right the problem is when it takes you over and you're driven fully by anxiety and you only see the anxiety it's all about is it going to work it's not going to work out so you're thinking about going away for shabas sorry for interrupting for me it's like I want to go away for shabas but between me and you you remember how I listed the seven problems right I didn't list the 20 opportunities that can come out right like I can find the sh over there I can find the friend the client I can find Joy I can have the biggest awareness I can find good food and good people and a good environment and you're right like my mind didn't in that moment that I spoke to you I didn't for even one second see the positive things yeah so that definitely helps to see the positive and to see that this anxiety is only small parts I'm going to really enjoy there but also it's like okay so what is it trying to protect me so it wants to make sure I'm going to be safe I'm going to be comfortable okay I'm I can manage that I can be safe and comfortable but then to realize that the over anxiety is just is just anxiety and to see it for what it is right it it became anxiety it became like this thing that takes me over so I can all space for it this thing takes me over but so okay thank you for coming like thank you for being here s trying to to make sure I'm going to be safe and protected I'll be safe and protected wow so to appreciate for what it is it s tries to help you but not let it lead the boat absolutely you be in control of it meaning not let it fully overtake you wow super powerful thank you so much I learned a tremendous I learned a lot um I'm curious the last question if you can give a message to everybody everybody listening what would that uh message of awareness be awareness um I'm I'm very passionate about kasas and um I think kidas is very big like there's many different parts ofas and um I feel people should uh find their their Cipher their reab their that they can connect mhm and it can open up a lot it can open a l if you think psychology is deep like one Cipher ofas is uh really like a thousand times more than than the whole psychology really and it's it's the DNA of youra is the DNA of of how things actually work right and you can find your especially the ones who want to beish yeah like you can find your your life answers there and your gmag there and it's it's yeah there's I never saw it that way to be honest I uh I don't know can I find over there more than what I can find in a in a book CU that's where I connect I can't I'm I'm not very good with lu a lot more a lot more and there's many there's many ones withou yeah but only that there's many on teachings on on YouTube there's many people teach on YouTube can you give me one SLE does that talks about maybe mental health or meaning a life something that you feel you connected to that's interesting to yeah so there's a big one of um I'll qu that um there's a famous question of right which is from the ran that if hem knows everything yeah then how come I have a choice okay so the mar gives the answer on that which might be uh a little hard to hard to comprehend but it's it's not so hard at the same time okay but it's more what we'll take out after that he's saying that forem all is one yeah right for him you don't have the question whether whether uh whether it's whether it's knowing or choosing right because for him it all is one right so then the only question you have is on the human cuz for him it's separate oh wow so so he's saying if you choose Hashem then for you it also becomes one because you become part of hem but if you're disconnected from hem then you don't even have because it's your your choices in M you think you're choosing right you're not choosing you're acting out of your trauma out of your wow out of your M it's not choice choice the only choice is to connect to hem and to become one with him right but together it takes takes many many levels of of being able to be in action right while knowing at the same time that Hashem does everything right because naturally if I'm in action I want to be in control yeah so to have the full passion of being in action at the same time having the full trust wow and that takes you know many levels of trust meaning being so deeply connected with yourself but trusting in that moment exactly because yourself as part of a exactly that's when you're all in the line that's what alignment exactly very very nice wow so it is very deep I love it wow yeah maybe I should start learning again yeah I can give some good references but definitely it it opens a lot doors the B was a lot about individualism and this is really very mainstream some call it like a kahila or organization yeah unfortunately which has its nice part of supporting each other but right it's it's lost its individuality and know what the the t is you know like right yeah I know like the shield where I dive my RO like is so inviting and accepting to me because he has a small kahila you know what I'm saying like it's it's a it's it's beautiful but today when you have a rebba that has 10,000 how do you feel connected to that Reba that can potentially teach you yeah so it's it's it's it takes fill and it takes work to find your own connection to a cipher to to a rabit to and to see what what connects you what who what brings you up closer to Hashem right wow amazing okay I definitely have something I have something that I'm taking out over here we're going to learn maybe you want to open a WhatsApp group and actually have one I haven't updated in a while but uh I I started it well at least for the next week or so I'm going to post the group on the descript in the description if you don't mind you got to do this at least for me for one week um thank you so much everybody for listening thank you no by the way thank you for giving your time your space your house your office um thank you everybody for listening and tuning in I hope you enjoyed this conversation as much as I did um I want to remind you to please like this video subscribe to the channel leave a comment let me hear your feedback I love hearing your feedback if you want to get in touch with me the link to my WhatsApp is in the description or there's you can follow me on social media the link to that is also in the description um and make sure to make make it a better day for yourself and follow your own dreams thank you so much yeah and keep up your great work for the Israel towards mhia thank you mashiah energy thank you all right wow