The Nature of Friendship

friendship Studies have shown that strong friendships lead to Greater success in battling illness and higher levels of General Life happiness friendships have even been shown to contribute to brain health and psychological well-being but what is friendship and what is a friend what is the material from which a healthy friendship is made here's a nugget of wisdom from Rabbi David Aaron a world-renowned spiritual leader and one of my greatest personal rabbis and what he says about what one needs to engender friendship and love there are four ingredients to love the first ingredient to love is making a space in your life for someone else it's referred to as tum to move out of the center and create a space but of course the challenge of that is that you can't be self centered The Secret Of Love is to move yourself out of the center and create a space for someone else that's what a hug is what does it mean when I hug somebody why is that a demonstration of love because when you hug someone what you're actually doing is you're saying I'm creating a space within my life within my time within myself for someone other than me when asked to boil down the Hebrew Bible into one concept Hillel one of Israel's greatest sages said love your friend as yourself everything else is commentary what does Judaism say about friendship why and what does it mean for our lives today this week on Israel inspired radio and now live from Jerusalem you're listening to Israel inspired radio here are your hosts rabbis Ari ab brtz and Jeremy gimpel Ari it's good to be back welcome to the show thanks Jeremy it's good to be here I love welcoming you to our show yes I love being welcome to the show and and I want you to know the theme we decided to speak about today I think is particularly fitting after what you and I just did a couple days ago what was that I said I need a day off and you said where are we going should I even share this because okay so uh we we drove down to the Dead Sea we were taking a hike around the Dead Sea and then the highlight of my day what's the highlight of my day you tell me I don't know you don't know what the highlight of that day was for me sitting down throwing rocks at the throwing rocks at the bottle that is my favorite pastime I love doing that it reminds me of like us being in the Army and that feeling like cuz day today things are so intense so vibrant constantly going in the iPhones and the this and when we're in the Army and there's no reception and all we have is rocks and like an empty Coke bottle that we could set up and throw at and try to get that is like my favorite thing to do so we did that we pulled over to the side in what for like two and a half hours we were just throwing rocks at a bottle pretty much it was the best that was the best and that's sort of what our our show is about today it's about friendship I wouldn't say that throwing rocks at a bottle is uh is our friendship is our friendship but it's one of the nice pluses you know because also we talk about it a lot too that in some way we keep each other super duper young because we've been best friends since what teenagers yeah since we're 19 20 years old we've been best friends so we can easily revert back to that level of immaturity and stupidity and that's great I never want to feel like I feel like Peter Pan that way yeah anyway so um so what what did you think today was a a good show to do about friendship well I mean when you think about the way I introduced the show is saying that when you boil the entire Torah down into one concept hillo says now usually that's translated love your neighbor as yourself but R is not really your neighbor sh is your neighbor Rea is really you know a friend a colleague and so if the entire Torah is to love your neighbor as yourself and so many people nowadays I feel like either the friendships are somewhat shallow circumstantial but if the entire essence of the Torah is to engender love and friendship then it's worthwhile to really discuss work out unpack what friendship really is right okay so for me the reason I liked this is because I've been doing a lot of thinking about not only personal levels but sort of expanding that from the micro to the macro and while the subject of friendship may seem peripheral or social or light-hearted the truth is that I believe that we not only would be happier as people but on a national level we'd be able to not only neutralize the existential threats we're facing but able to live in harmony and peace with our neighbors and and with the world but before we even try to tackle the international macr front I think the more important front is the individual level the micro front so let's start with that okay so let's start with that so Jeremy tell me what to you what is friendship all right well here's the way I break it down God creates Divine Justice and divine compassion but only we can create human justice and human compassion meaning amongst ourselves God has given us the Free Will with in the framework of this universe that we can implement the concept and ideals of justice and comp pass that he's laid out in fact the greatest Revelation in my opinion in the Hebrew Bible is that God speaks to us that the Universe in which we live is not silent that there is a message permeating throughout the world a calling throughout the world and as I said the essential message is to bring love into the world to create relationships of light in the world in fact in the book of HOSA chapter 6 it says what does Hashem really desire desire of us this is what he says for I desire loving kindness not sacrifice acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings so many people think that it's about the burnt offerings it's about the the sacrifices it's about the rituals it's about all the meats they make it into some sort of abstraction and they get lost in the in the details of The Commandments but really he's saying like listen really what I want here is love and kindness I want to you to acknowledge me through acts of loving kindness and what better way to to do that meaning I remember a few shows ago one of my favorite thoughts that I continuously think about throughout the day is that a prophet was able to hold God and man in one thought and that message of HOSA is saying that what does God ask of us to think of him and express it through acts and kindness it to our fellow man when we live in that world where we have a god Consciousness but it's reflected in kindness to everyone around us that's really the ultimate right so that's friendship to you you'd sum it up like that well meaning in some ways it's beyond friendship it's some it's it's touching on the sublime it's going Beyond if we think you know I've been studying a lot of science lately I've been reading Gerald Schroeder's book God according to God fantastic book and it's really been complimenting all the other Einstein and all the other stuff I've been watching and reading about and you know he says that there are two fundamental questions that science really has no answer to First is where did this big bang come from I meaning in what time and in what space all of a sudden it happened how no one has an answer to that yet they don't think of the big banger science doesn't like talking about that and the second one is from this massive explosion how did life emerge from that meaning life mean imagine I want to create a video I don't know if this is a stupid idea a bad idea but I thought of it last night where uh there's a some sort of commercial kind of cartoon explosion and out of an explosion comes a camel and then out of this explosion comes a rhinoceros and out of this explosion comes the DNA strand and it's like well how from this explosion of this big bangang did life emerge and science has no answer to that and then his point is that although many atheists today will claim that morality was a a genetic engineering through Evolution and natural selection that most scientists today say that morality love and kindness is not um evolutionarily programmed with inhumanity pleasure and survival is but morality love and kindness was revealed to us it was a revelation that science doesn't really have an answer to but it was revealed to us I I would have to disagree with the idea that scientist saying it's not genetically programmed because when Adam came on the scene there were supposedly this sounds abstract what's a connection to Friendship but humanoid looking people like gorillas but they didn't have the soul the real uh K the real novel element of Adam the first man was the Divine Soul Within him and that Divine soul I believe has innately programmed within it the desire to connect to God to come close to God which one does by being similar to Godly attributes which are love and kindness and morality and all of those things I I I could agree with you and say that deep down inside every human soul I mean we don't really know this but I'm willing to go as far as saying that within every human soul there is deep down this desire for love kindness to draw close to God but what I see is that within societies that have removed themselves from God or taken God out of Society if it's Stalin in Russia or if it's Adolf Hitler in Nazi Germany or what could be now in modern America as God is just being removed from every sphere of national life that the moral uh fibers of society somehow fall away human life becomes disregarded millions of people can be slaughtered in the name of secularism of Communism or of Nazi Germany and once God is removed it could be that deep deep deep downside of those communist Russians or even deep deep down within those Nazis perhaps there is this inner kabit so many cipot so many shells I don't know metaphysically what's true but what I do know is when I look at reality once God is removed from society the moral fabric of society Falls a so I'll tell you last night I was up late uh trying to prepare for this uh podcast because I found it very challenging because I feel like I have something deep within me a message that I really want to share and I was having difficulty articulating it even for myself self to really get it out there so I was just reading through many different quotes about friendship and I'm just throwing a few ones out there that that sort of touched me one was from Helen Keller sh walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light um Ralph Waldo Emerson a friend May well be reckoned the Masterpiece of nature Charles Darwin a man's friendships are one of the best measures of his worth everyone is singing The accolades of friendship and friendship is so beautiful but it was leaving this empty void of how and why you know what what is it really about and when I was just listening to your explanation and you went into the big bang and what and you brought Hashem into the picture and that's what it was like a flash of lightning it almost disappointed me that it was not there in me from the beginning but that is the key ingredient that is why friendship today is so illusive I think everyone wants it it's a multi-billion dollar industry Facebook is all about friends how many friends do you have thousands of friends when in reality how many do you really have the more friends you have on Facebook it's almost like there's an inverse relationship the more friends the more friends on Facebook the less you really truly have in some ways I feel that way the more time you spend in Virtual realities with virtual friends liking other people's friendship statuses the less ability you have to really Forge deep personal relation that's why you know it says in ethics of our fathers buy yourself a friend now it's not saying buy with money it's saying buy with with work with effort not not work that's unpleasant work like we have a lot of work that goes into our friendship but is it I mean if we have 20 free minutes hey you want to go do nothing you know it's like you know but it's work we we Clash all the time you know I I think about our friendship sometimes as King Solomon says as iron sharpens iron so a friend sharpens a friend oh that's interesting yeah and I really think that when I think about our friendship which is what I want to to touch on a little bit later I I think about that but you know you brought up the uh can I just say I hard work I feel like is is missing it I would just Define and then I'll hand it right back over to you is that friendship demands investment if you want to build a loving relationship with your wife where she can become your friend you want to build a relationship with your buddy investment investment is the word you need to invest in that relationship in order to reap the returns better word than work yes I agree and and what is the word in Hebrew for friend comes from uh means a connection so I'm going to tell the story that I've told all around the world because it touches me every time I tell it and it touches everyone around because this is a universal condition the yearning for friendship is a universal condition so the story is two friends that grew up loving each other very much one moved to Syria the other moved to Rome the friend from Syria goes to visit his friend in Rome and while he's there the emperor in Rome says you're a spy and I'm going to kill you he says I'm not a spy can prove it I promise I'll prove it King says you're a spy and I'm going to kill you he says please let me go back to my family in Syria say goodbye close up my business I'll come back in 60 days and you could kill me then King says what do you think a fool you're just not going to return you're going to stay there he says if I don't return you can kill my friend and he points to his friend there the king of shocky looks at his friend as if is that even possible the friend says absolutely he doesn't return kill me so the King was intrigued he says okay return back to here he goes back he closes up his business closes up shop he says goodbye to his family they weep and he returns with plenty of time to get back but on the way back camel breaks his leg ship isn't picking up wind it's taking him so long the day of the execution he's running towards the center of town he sees the friend standing there with a rope around his neck they're about to execute him and he screams stop stop stop I've returned kill me and the friend with the Rope around his neck looks at his watch and says no he was supposed to be here at 9:30 it's 10:15 you have to kill me friend said he just made that up that's not true you have to kill me friend says no kill me kill and they're fighting kill me the king is watching all this and he says stop I will make a compromise here an agreement no one will die under one condition that you make me your third friend and when I tell this especially in the Far East there's tears in the audience because they value this idea of loyalty and a friendship so much everybody in their soul wants it and why do they want it so much why do they want this friendship because number one there is a feeling that when there's a true friendship that the presence of God is dwelling upon it giving it blessing that God becomes the third friend when between two people and I feel like it's because on a macro level the Jewish people are all part of one soul and if you take that and you extend it all of humanity is part of one Great Soul also right so two real friends are able to actually connect with each other and realize and manifest into to reality the reality of the situ meaning what does Aristotle say about friendship he says friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies H that's Aristotle that's beautiful and it's really true that's that's what it is and that's why I think that that story touches so much because I feel like when we are grooving this is how I explain our mission I have a mission in the world that's unique to Ari bramz you have one that's unique to Jeremy gimpel but when we come together with our strengths and our weakness and balance each other and we have a real powerful friendship which we do it's almost like our missions are both on crack you know it's like just and we're able to do such incredible things I feel like it's because God blesses that it gives us so much more range in our ability to go deeper and to you're able to influence the world and to create I mean we're we each have our Our Own Strength so you quoted love your neighbor as yourself I am God why are those two sentences ju opposed to each other because if we understand that loving our neighbor is loving God then that then the the key to a real friendship in my mind the deepest level of friendship is the god Factor because if we're able to a love ourselves which I believe we can do to the highest level by recognizing that we are created in in God's image and God loves us so we have to love ourselves then we can love our neighbor as oursel with the realization that we're all part of one soul I absolutely agree with that okay as I I understand it Hashem reveals himself or more accurately his will in this world as Justice and compassion if anyone's ever seen the cabalistic diagram so the first two sperro the first two funnels the first two expressions of God that enter into this world are through kindness and gur which could be translated as Justice and the balance in our lives are always trying to figure out how do we express God's will in the ultimate way that would Express Justice and compassion but as Hashem creates this Divine Justice and compassion only we can bring it down into this world as said doesn't just mean kindness it also means love but more than that it means love expressed in action acts ofed means taking the love that I feel or the love that I think and then expressing it in the world our actions define the love of our lives and the greatest example that I have right now just for like my own momentary existence was a few days ago my grandfather-in-law taha's grandfather fell down and broke his leg he's not a young man anymore and he's been in the hospital had to go through surgery the whole family was holding our breath and he's barash recovering now in the hospital and as he's there everyone has asked us to hold watch on him and now 24 hours a day someone within the family and extended family are sitting by his bed making sure that he's never alone and I told the family whenever they want let them know I have a computer I have a phone I can stay there for days at a time if I need to just let me know couple of nights ago and they said Jeremy we need you to stay there one night so I got there at 9:00 at night and I stayed there until 8:00 in the morning and I'll tell you Ari I really don't like hospitals it's just who likes hospitals there's some people that love going to hospitals and they love the whole thing of experiencing the the the the joy that they can bring others yes but then nobody likes the hospital nobody likes the hospital to me if left to my own vices my dislike of the hospital would overrule my like of helping other people in the hospital and therefore unless I am charged to do show by a higher power I will not go I was stabbed in the back I hate hospitals so much that I I was actually thinking I would rather die than go to the hospital but go ahead so I was there and you know I entertained him I tried to talk to him I tried to listen to him if I needed to bring him water or help him you I did whatever I could to you know to fulfill the Mitzvah of Bim but I was thinking what greater way would I be able to honor you know my grandfather in what way would I be able to give more appreciation to my in-laws and how would I be able to show my love toward tahila rather than honoring her grandfather I can talk about love and I can talk about you know these esoteric ideas of friendship but until that friendship is brought into action in the world until it's expressed in action then it's not real love and it's not real friendship in today day and age the likes on Facebook and the friends on Facebook never allow anyone to really Express their friendship and we're living today in a very lonely world yeah I think there's there's a lot lot of depression there but also because I think the friendships that people try to build are built on a foundation that is not necessarily the healthiest sturdiest Foundation because to to reach out and try to have a friend when you don't love yourself correctly uh you know Elanor Roosevelt what did she say she said uh friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world and that's exactly what the completion of that PUK that we've really been referring to the ially throughout the show is love your neighbor as yourself you have to love yourself if you don't love yourself then any friendship that's built upon a a a flawed self concept and a flawed self-love will end up being codependent will end up being abusive or some other Dynamic that's unhealthy there needs to be a a self-love before one can build upon that to to others that's so true so just the title friend on Facebook having 5,000 doesn't do anything in some ways the contrast it creates between how many virtual friends you have and how many real friends you have is is painful right for many well the midash on Bari talks about something remarkable because sometimes when I hear you talk and I sort of step out of my body and listen to my self talk sometimes it gets so abstract in a cabala and diagrams and God and theory and theology but the midash on the Book of Genesis talks about Abraham and Sarah Abraham and Sarah and this they brought God into the world not through theological or metaphysical arguments or logical proofs not through a military Victory to show that God is mighty but by welcoming strangers into their home and giving them food and shelter and then when their guests would leave Abraham and Sarah would say don't thank us thank God whose blessing we have shared and when I think about that story that is the foundational character of Jewish life to look at Abraham and Sarah the first Jews and how they brought God into the world it wasn't that they were having you know debates against Jews for Jesus and having debates against Muslim imams and trying to create theological proofs or fighting against atheists it was just showing them the life that I have and the ACT actions that I show you are an expression of the god that I believe in that's all the proof I need like just look at the life that I live and then we can both just share in God's blessings who speaks much louder than what you say but I'll tell you it's so I'm so happy you brought up Abraham because out of all the characters in The Bible he's the one that is called God's friend right he is God's friend and in my estimation what is it that made him right Noah Noah walked with God people walked with but what made Abraham different what made him God's friend and I think it was that Abraham was the one that was vashem Hashem the one that called out in the name of Hashem meaning his pain hashem's pain was Abraham's pain now what does that mean hashem's pain that it's not that Hashem is lacking anything that he could have pain in a real way but the existential pain of being in Exile with his creations of wanting to give creating the world in order to give and not being recognized not being able to have that relationship so Abraham dedicated his life to that relationship meaning to that's what a real friend is where the walls between you are so nullified to some degree where their pain is your pain where their Joy is your joy Aristotle said another Aristotle quote he said my best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake meaning it's not about self-interest it's he wishes me well because he genuinely authentically sincerely wishes me well just for me and that's why I think Abraham was God's friend because he's so identified with as a as a friend to God as loving God that he wanted to bring God into the world I have one more story that I want to share by one of my greatest teachers um Rabbi Jonathan sax and he tells the story that he was in the cat skills and he's driving on the side of the road and he sees a guy that is having car trouble and he's outside his car and he pulls his car over the side of the road and you know offers him help and he sees that uh the guy's wearing a keepa and he sits and he starts talking to him and then the guy as soon as Jonathan saxs pull over the car he takes his keep off and puts it in his pocket and you know the Rabbi says excuse me sir you know well what what's why are you putting your keep on like oh I'm not Jewish he says you're not Jewish he's like yes if I ever have car problem I keep a yamaka a a skull cap in the glove compartment of my car cuz I know that if I put a keepa on my head some Jew will stop for me alongside of the road and Jonathan sax loved that story when I hear that story I love that story because it expresses what Jewish Society is meant to be that when we live as a society together for the world to recognize ize that Jews strangers driving on the highway will stop for each other because they want to express an act of friendship an act ofid in the world that I believe is our ultimate Mission and that way we will bring a light and that's what I think Israel does for the world also even when people who consider their themselves our mortal enemies that want our destruction when Iran has an earthquake Israel says okay you can want to kill us that's fine we're not asking you not to can we send you a help can we you know Haiti whatever we're always trying to give and to give and to give and think that's just part of the abrahamic DNA that's the Jewish Soul because as all of humanity we're really one big Soul so that's our message out of Israel that's this week's Israel inspired podcast as usual we would love to hear from all of you uh Jeremy m.org rth landof israel.com and come and visit us in Israel experience this magic for yourself shalom [Music] shalom [Music]