The Torah Way to Speak to Someone Who’s Suffering

For a real Torah scholar, everything he learns has to be internalized behaviorally on some level. Mymonities lists 10 qualities that you have to see externally that would be emblematic of deeper knowledge, deeper connection of the Torah scholar. One of which a scholar talks the praises of his friends does not talk about his demise at all. At all at all. Why? Maybe the scholar knows something we don't. Maybe he knows that the negative traits within that person are very real. And I'm not going to talk about them, not because I don't believe they're real, because why would I want to make them more real? Let let me frame it this way. You there seems to be an inherent ethical contradiction in Jewish law. Seemingly on the one hand, if you want to be a a scholar, one of the traits you need to have is you talk the about the praises of people, not about their demise, not about their disgraces, not about their negative qualities. On the other hand, you have a biblical commandment. Last week's Torah portion, you got to rebuke people, reprove people who are doing the wrong thing. Do you see that contradiction? On the one hand, you're the scholar and you know what's right and wrong and when you see somebody doing this something wrong in a very respectful and polite way, you got to point it out. And there's a whole discussion on the ethics of how and when to do that and when to not do that. That's even more important. On the other hand, a scholar talks only the praises of people, not their negative qualities. Well, how does that work? How can you get both? Have your cake and eat it too, right? How does that work? Okay, here's the answer. And this is just incredible. Incredible. If the scholar is focusing on the praiseworthy version of this person, that's what he's going to bring to light. That's his way of rebuking the negativity. By saying that's not the real you. The real you are the praises. The real you is the goodness. The real you is not the person sorry is not the challenge you're going through. Whether it be a challenge from your Yates Sahara, whether it be a challenge in marriage, whether it be a challenge in child rearing, whether it be whatever the challenge is, that's not you. You are the person who has that capacity to deal with that challenge, to deal with that trauma, to deal with that issue. and focusing on the real you and talking about that brings it to light. I'll let me tell you a quick story. A couple of days ago, I got an email from a lady from Italy, and it it was in the ask the rabbi section, ask a question section of of my website. And she asks a very painful question, very short. She says, "How can I be happy in my marriage knowing that I'm not going to have children?" This is her question. And if I'm being honest with you, I'm not equipped to answer that question. Emotionally, I'm not equipped to answer that question. Or Hashem, God has blessed me to not have that challenge. Intellectually, I don't think it's fair to give her a philosophical answer. That could come off as a little cold. And I'm not God. I don't really know. What am I supposed to do here? So, there's two things that I see in this question, and they're both true, and this is what I shared with her, but I think it really highlights what we're talking about tonight. There's two things that I see in this question. Number one, somebody who is in incredible pain. And with that pain deserves incredible empathy. But if I talk to that version of that person, the person who's hurting, the person who's in pain, the person who needs empathy, if I just talk to the version to that version of of this lady, which what am I going to reveal? I'll I'll be supportive and I think that will feel good. How will she identify as a person who's in incredible deep pain, who's hurting and needs empathy, but that's not why she's reaching out to me. That's not fair. It's respectful and nice for me to do that. I don't know if it's fair for me to do that or to only do that. I know this may sound a little little whack of me, but hear me out. Embedded in her question is another version of her. Her question was, "How can I be happy despite a very negative um or or disheartening news knowing that she's not going to have children? There's a version of her that knows she can be happy despite her issue. And that's why she went out of her way to reach out. And if I were to focus on that version of her saying, I know that this isn't easy and I know it's challenging and it's painful and give her the empathy she deserves, but you're asking me how you can be happy. You believe you can be happy despite this circumstance. And I would love to hear from you what you would do if happiness showed up and how you would hold on to it and how your husband might notice it. And when you felt this happiness most recently because I believe it was there because you believe you can have it and you can't taste something. You can't want something you haven't tasted. Can't crave something you haven't sampled. I know it's there. and talking to that version of her, the praises can help heal the negative experiences or at least help her cope with the negative experiences she's going through. Similarly, in in in context in a moreic context with the the scholar, he talks about the praises of people, not their demise, yet he rebukes them because when he talks about their praises, their negative qualities become less relevant. Not that they're not there. Not that they're not real. Not that we're, god forbid, sweeping issues on the rug and under the rug and bearing issues and pretending that everybody's perfect and all rosy and put on this uh stewardous smile and all is good. I'm not saying that. We could be very real. I I think and I I feel like I'm on a bit of a rampage here, but there is this global fear and I get it. I get it and I'm not judging anybody for it. But people have been burnt by by toxic positivity and because of that people are afraid of toxic positivity and because of that people are afraid to be positive and because of that they empathize which is a important thing and then they stop. And when you empathize and just stop, you're helping somebody hold on to their pain. Empathize. Do empathize. Validate people's pain, but also validate the version of them that has the ability to to to to cope and manage and and pull through that pain. And I promise you, they have incredible ability to pull through that pain. Number one, God gave it to them and and God knows what they could handle. But number two, you could see that they've handled it. They're here. They're showing up.