The Teshuvah of Our Generation | Yom Kippur Women's Class

Today's class is dedicated by Dana Amira in memory of her beloved parents and grandparents, Gabriel and Selma Amira, Nissim and Suzanne Amira, Samuel H. and Dana Baruch, and for a complete and speedy recovery and a shidduch for Dana bat Selma and Agmar Hasima Tova to her and all of us. Thank you very much for your partnership and dedication and friendship and a great year to you. Thank you. So, somebody asked me a question. And the question really I felt was a really it was a sincere question. It came from a very sincere person. And I want to share this question with you and try to address it here because I think that the what this person, a woman, was articulating in her email was really something very genuine that I think many people ask or want to ask or or feel in one way or another. And what she wrote to me was that her experience of Yom Kippur every year is a very difficult one. Not so much the fasting that I'm not going to be able to address in the class. For that there's probably different methods that you know better than I. But rather what really is tough for her are the abundant confessions. The viduyim. The amount of times that Jews on Yom Kippur, especially if you daven all the tfilos, which means maariv and shacharis and mussaf and mincha and neilah, but even only one of them or two of them. Whether you follow all of the liturgy, all of the piyutim, all of the chazaras hashatz, all of the sections, or just 50% or even 10%, it's filled with constant statements and reminders about our sins and our guilt and our aveiros and our chatoim, avoinos, pshaim, transgressions. And she tells me, "I have anxiety on a good day. Forget Yom Kippur. On Simchas Torah I have anxiety. Certainly on Purim." Okay, a lot of people have anxiety on Purim. But even on a regular Wednesday or Tuesday, I have anxiety. And when I I She said, "I can't find my soul in it. It's like we're constantly talking about, you know, we shouldn't say avonoseinu v'chatoenu. And ashamnu, bagadnu, and gazalnu, which is every day's tachnus, but Yom Kippur it assumes much more quantity. I mean, we say it many more times, and the language is obviously much more intense and much more elaborate cuz that's one of the main themes of Yom Kippur. Confession, viduy, mechila, slicha, kapara, teshuvah, and all of that. But then she added something else, which was I think even more interesting. And she said, "But assuming that I had amazing self-esteem, assuming that I suffered from no anxiety whatsoever, my resilience level was top level, my confidence, my inner confidence and sense of attachment and connection to my, you know, the earliest influences of my life were really solid. I had this gift for just inner calmness and serenity, and I I loved myself and I did not engage in self-loathing like the three and a half people who live on the planet without any anxiety, and I think they're all here in this class, those three and a half people. Maybe after the class. Maybe more than three and a half people. So, assuming I assuming I I dealt with none of this. I was really completely confident and therefore have no problem saying I made mistakes, I'm sorry because and the truth is here I'm I'm I'm giving commentary and Rashi and Tosfos to her email. But the truth is that saying I'm sorry, confessing one's mistake is actually a glorious thing, right? It's really a wonderful thing. It's really a tremendous opportunity. Let's take it in a relationship between people. What's the greater What are what types of marriages or relationships, friendships are the greatest friendships and marriages? It's not the ones where people never get into a disagreement. I mean, that's amazing, but, you know, how many people do you have like that? Oseh shalom bimromav. It says that the malachim, the angels, even between them he has to make peace. Oseh shalom bimromav, even those who are on high, he has to make shalom between them. And their malachim about whom it says they don't have kina and tachlus. They don't have general jealousy and competitiveness. Okay, it's on a different level, but oseh shalom bimromav. So, the fact is that in most relationships we're less than perfect, we make mistakes, and the power of a relationship is not that I don't make a mistake. It's what happens after I make the mistake. It's what happens post-conflict. And the idea that do we know how to make up? Do we know how to make amends? Do we know how to repair things? That's really where a relationship is both tested and blessed. It's true with parents and children. It's true with friends. It's true with true with partners. It's of course true with spouses who have such a close and intimate relationship, but it's true with every connection in the world. Unless you you're a complete stranger to me, so we never get into a fight cuz we never see each other. But if we have connections, if it's siblings or friends or marriage partners, etc. Naturally, there will be misunderstandings. People are less than perfect. People will make mistakes, say the wrong things, do the wrong things, etc. etc. Maila, what happens afterwards is what happens the next step. Do we stonewall each other? Do we drift away? Can't I not look the other person in the eyes anymore? Can they not look me in the eyes? Do I carry it? Do I carry the hurt and resentment and pain for weeks, months, maybe years, maybe decades? Maybe I don't even I don't even know how much I carry it. That's really where relationships fail or succeed if we have a method of reconciliation, of talking about it, of coming back to the table. I mean, these are dvarim shatim, right? Everybody agrees with me. You know, it's obvious, yeah? It's not obvious? Okay. But but but this is a very This is a very true observation about life. And that is that the power of any marriage or any familial relationship is not that everybody's always on the same page because that means either they're mamash angelic, impeccable, perfect people, or they're not individuals. People who are individuals we're not always on the same page. We're not supposed to be on the same page. The Netziv writes The Netziv writes He was the rosh yeshiva of Volozhin, and he has a commentary on Chumash called Haamek Davar, Haamek Davar. And he writes that his name was Rabbeinu Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin. Netziv is Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin. And he writes in his commentary that when Hashem introduces the first marriage, of course Adam and Chava, a match made in heaven, pun intended, it says Lo tov hayos Adam levado, eseh lo ezer kenegdo. Right? That's how Hashem introduces the idea of a relationship. It's not good for Adam to be alone, so let me create for him an ezer, a help, kenegdo. But kenegdo we all know is a problematic word cuz it literally means against him. So, Rashi and the Chazal ask the question, is she for him or is she against him? You know, are you mishalano halano at al tzarainu? What what a strange way to describe the first wife in history. Ezer, okay, a helpmate, that's beautiful. You know, we're partners, we help each other navigate the turbulent waters of life, navigate the beauties and challenges of life. What's this kenegdo? Against him? Parallel? Like what does it really mean? And Chazal struggled with this because it's a very unusual and strange expression that you would Not it's not an unusual expression, but it's an unexpected That was the word. Unexpected expression in this context. So, the Netziv says something very powerful. The truth is it was already said two generations earlier by the Baal Hatanya on a spiritual level, but the theme is the same. And that is he says that sometimes the greatest help you need in life is from somebody who sees things differently than you. I don't need somebody I will not get enhanced. My horizons will not expand by being in a marriage with somebody who's just like me. Yes, it may be more comfortable sometimes. It may be more easy sometimes. It may be simpler. It may be smooth and serene. But what allows you to become the person you're really capable of becoming? What allows a person to achieve deeper greatness? Transcending my comfort zone. Zones. Transcending my fears. Transcending my insecurities. Transcending my wounds. That comes when I'm challenged. That's what he says, by kenegdo. By somebody who is against me in the sense. I don't think that the Netziv was advocating that it's a mitzvah that a husband and wife should disagree. What he was advocating is is that a real relationship includes two distinct people coming together. There's a t-shirt I once saw, "Very easy to get along with once you learn to worship me." Over there there's no kenegdo. You know, you learn to worship me and we're good. It also doesn't mean one person gets repressed or one person suppresses or one person has to emotionally run away or overwhelm, dominate, which are two sides of the same coin. Either I dominate or I run away, but it's the same thing. I can't remain present and create space for the other person. So, the fact that there is a kenegdo is inherent to the very fabric of a successful and meaningful and authentic relationship. So, the problem is not disagreements or kenegdo. The issue is do we have a system of repair? What they call conflict resolution. Do we have a method for conflict resolution? And in that sense, Yom Kippur is a very glorious day, the most glorious day. The opportunity for resolution of all conflicts. The The opportunity for for reckoning, for self-reflection, for introspection. The opportunity for a person being honest with themselves and with their loved ones, honest with their soul, and of course honest with the Ribono shel Olam. That opportunity to be able to really not just ignore my mistakes and run away from my mistakes, but confront me in the most profoundest, authentic, real, exposed way, where I lay my soul bare. What better method for a real relationship, where I can Imagine a relation between people where two people could be really honest. What were the motivations behind what I said? What was I thinking? What was triggering me? There was a couple that recently Excuse me. There's a couple that came for advice about a particular a particular issue. And uh Excuse me. So, the husband came to me first and he said that he's very triggered by things his wife says. And he knows that he's not triggered by what she's saying. He's triggered by what he hears her saying based on his own brain, based on his own neural pathways. In other words, based on his own issues. Which is a tremendous awareness. You know, that itself is a tremendous source of awareness. You know, in our marriage workshops, this was like a a major theme. You know, when I can become aware that I'm not responding to what you're saying now, I'm responding to what has been said to me four decades ago or three decades ago, that I have internalized and it's just the CD is replaying. You know, it's a scratched CD and it's replaying the same niggun over and over and over. That's a tremendous That's an unbelievable sense of awareness because it's It's a game-changer. And he shared with me what the story was, what what what it triggers in him. And he said, "But I can never tell it to her. I can never say this to my wife." I said, "Why not?" He said, "It's too embarrassing. It's so embarrassing that that that I'm really a 2-year-old who looks like who looks like a successful adult, but I'm really a 2-year-old." And I told him, I said, "It's not embarrassing at all. We're all 2-year-olds who just look a little older. And that's where real relationships happen. Relationships don't happen when people make believe that they're adults. That's business relationships. I have to be mature, I have to be in a real relationships happen when people can go back to their inner child. When people can go back to Elchanan Zecharya Hispalalti or as Yehudah says about Binyamin, "Eich el el avi v'hana'ar einenu iti." Oh, wow. Wonderful. Okay. Thank you. "Eich el el avi v'hana'ar einenu iti." The Shem Mishmuel explains, "How can I go up to my father, the Ribono shel Olam, v'hana'ar einenu iti, when my little child is not with me?" I can't face Hashem if I'm ignoring my inner child. Because then I'm not bringing all of my experiences into the relationship. I can't be close with a person if I don't bring my child into the relationship. If I'm always the perfect adult, it's good for certain situations. I mean, at a business meeting, you probably don't always have to bring in your inner child. But in a real, authentic relationship, that's exactly what I want to bring in. I don't care about the adult in you. The adult, okay. That's the part that's forced to behave. So, "Eich el el avi v'hana'ar einenu iti." Those are the words that Yehudah tells Yosef. He doesn't know it's Yosef. He's speaking to the Prime Minister of Egypt and he says, "How can I go up to my father without a child?" He's not just talking about Binyamin. He's talking about the na'ar in every single person. So, I told this person, "When you can actually show up with your na'ar, when you can show up with your inner child, and you can tell your spouse that when you say these words, this is what's coming out, this memory, which may be a suppressed memory, doesn't mean it's a conscious memory. And this is what's happening. Let me tell you what's going to happen. You're now going to take the weakest part of your relationship, the weakest link, and it's going to become the strongest link in the relationship. And we know that whenever you take the link weakest link and you transform it, that's always what creates the most powerful relationships cuz it's that point that could have separated us. It's that point that could have created the wedge between us, the gulf, the dichotomy, the separateness. And when I take that very force, that very fear, that very insecurity, that very child, that very vulnerability, that very sense of abandonment or neglect or trauma and I bring that into the connection. I say, "I want you to know about this. I want you to understand how I'm affected." There's nothing as powerful as such a relationship henceforth. Because it's that that point that was separating you, that made you mistrust each other, that made her not understand you, and made you feel threatened by her or the other way around, which now becomes the point where you could connect with each other, where she can create space for that experience and you can create space for her experience. And with compassion and love, you can appreciate what you're going through and be here with each other and for each other to help heal. She can't heal you. You ultimately we all have to heal ourselves, but she can help facilitate that process. So, in many ways, this is all a brackets explaining the the glory of Yom Kippur. That ability to be able to face myself in all my vulnerability. Of course, I could talk about my beautiful things. Of course, I could talk about my virtues. I could talk about my mitzvahs. I could talk about my achievements and accomplishments. And as the Gemara says, "Afilu poshei Yisrael male'im mitzvos kerimon." Even those that you may call the greatest sinners are filled with mitzvahs like a pomegranate is filled with seeds. As the Gemara says, "Afilu poshei Yisrael" at the end of tractate Chagigah. Just like you can go to your spouse and say, "Let me tell you about all the good things I do." And sometimes maybe that's a very good thing for people to do. But the greatness of Yom Kippur is that I could face everything. "Eich el el avi v'hana'ar einenu iti." I can talk about everything. I can talk about every mistake of mine and I can try to focus on what is going on and what are the motives and what are the fears and what are the issues and what are the cravings and what are the voids and what are the addictions and what are the numbers and what are the distractions. And that conflict resolution creates a very powerful and deep relationship. So, back to the question. She said, "Even if I don't have anxiety, and I get it. I know how to apologize. I could say I'm sorry. I can talk about my sins and I don't get anxious and I don't get depressed. I get it all. But I want to ask you another question," she writes to Rabbi Jacobs. "Is this even true?" She says, "I look at the people around me in shul and I have to say they are wonderful people. It was really nice to get such an email from somebody. They're just wonderful people. She said, "I look at the women sitting around me. They are filled with love, commitment, dedication, loyalty. Do they make mistakes? Of course, they make mistakes. They're human. They're not complete. That's part of their greatness. But if you look at their lives, what are their days like? Their days are filled with good deeds, with loving deeds. They're dedicated to their families. They're dedicated to their communities. They're dedicated to the Jewish people. They're dedicated to God. Look at their lives. I don't think it's fear that we should be talking to God on Yom Kippur about how many sins we have. I don't see all these sins. Are there some people who need to correct their lives? Everybody has to correct themselves. Everybody has to become better. Everybody can enhance themselves. But if you look at the sum total, if you want to summarize people's lives," she writes to me, "I see so much goodness in people. I don't know why Yom Kippur I'm going to be telling God and all my colleagues, my friends, and the people in shul I'm going to be telling God constantly that I'm a keili malei busha u'chlima. I'm a vessel filled with shame and disgrace. Lo Hashem hatzedakah v'lanu boshes panim. L'ma'ancha Elokeinu asher ammi dasenu dallim v'reikim. We're poor. We're empty. We're guilty. So, even she says, "If I wouldn't have anxiety, there's something bothering me about all of this." I have to tell you, I like the question very much. First of all, it was an honest question. But also, I think it's a very good question. Because the truth is, and I think you'll all agree with me, and you could look even at the people in this room, so many of the people that you and I know are such good people, right? MS? Certainly everybody in this room. Do we make mistakes? Yes. Do we always know exactly the right thing to do? No. But let me tell you something. Most mistakes people make are literally mistakes cuz they don't have better tools. I don't even see most mistakes as malicious. How many things Think about your own life, honestly. Ask yourself, all the wrong things you did in your life, how many of them were malicious? You really knew you're going to hurt your child when you said or did XYZ? You really knew you're going to hurt your husband, your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, your best friend, your classmate, your teacher. And you know what the answer to that is? Probably close to zero. Or maybe zero. LMI, there was a miscalculation. I was out for lunch. I was angry. I was depressed. I was threatened. I was grouchy. I was hungry. I was thirsty. I had a bad cold. I had the flu. I had the fever. I almost had the fever. I had a stomach ache. I was going crazy. The cleaning lady hasn't shown up in 2 weeks. There was no supper. There was no breakfast. There was no lunch. Right? But that's So that's that's got that's Hashem's doing that the cleaning lady didn't show up. Why didn't she show up? You'll realize that most mistakes are really mistakes. And when people become open and when their horizons are expanded and when they're given more information and more education and more enlightenment. And that's really the word enlightenment. When there's more light. When there's more light, there's more clarity. When I'm not in the darkness. When I could see things. When I could see consequences. When I could see the ramifications. When I could see long-term results. Of course, people may would make a shift immediately unless they simply can't. They're incapable. They're stuck. I sometimes need the clarity. I don't know. I'm clueless. Like the Gamara says, yeah, I do an avera a few times it becomes a header. And the Kotzker Rebbe said, that's two times and three times it becomes a mitzvah. I suddenly I I suddenly this is the right way to do it. Sometimes people get stuck in a rut. This is how they did it. This is how their mothers did it. This is how their bubbies do it did it. It's certainly the right way. Maybe years later I find out maybe there's another path. There's another perspective. Okay, but I really thought I was doing the right thing. I even think back to school in my days it was still very common in some of your days. I don't know in the girls' schools, but in our schools it was common when I was a child to sp- I'm laughing. It wasn't so funny for everybody to unget unsetzen the Kinderganz geht. Sometimes some some some some teachers were angry people. I didn't know this as a child. You know, we just thought we're bad kids. You know, I had a teacher who once turned to the class and he said, "I'm greater than the Maharal of Prague. Maharal of Prague made one golem. And I have 19. I have 19 golems." Now, I thought it was funny at the time. I didn't know that it was it's really it's really the wrong thing to say to children. It's really the wrong thing to say to children. I spoke to yesterday to somebody who's extremely successful businessman, very and and a great man and a leader in his community. And and well educated and learns many hours a day. Really a great person. And he told me that it was a comment that was made to him in Yeshiva when he was a teenager. One of the teachers said that he has a a krumme kup, which means a a crooked brain. And and and even with his crooked head such an idea would not be acceptable. And he told me it's decades now and he's a really successful person. He says that a day does not go by that he doesn't think about it. When he sits down to learn, he asks himself, "Do I really have such a cursed brain?" So it's so important. Now, I could guarantee you that that person doesn't even realize this. I actually told him, "Go back to him. You haven't spoken to him in a few decades. Tell him. People should know this. Not not in not in a in accusatory, harsh way, but in a kind way. Give him an opportunity to say I'm sorry." I would I would want that opportunity. So it is so important for people to have awareness. But many of those educators, they didn't have awareness. And what if they were Holocaust survivors or children of Holocaust survivors? I don't have to tell people in this room about that. So I'm telling you even those mistakes that were serious, I still call them mistakes. Because if you would really speak to the people heart to heart, you would see maybe I'm not saying in all cases, but in most cases, they really were trying to do the right thing. People Most Jews I know are always trying to do the right thing. Am I right, Mrs. Klein? Huh? As you always convey in all your beautiful cards. Most people I know, I'm trying to think if I know somebody who sits down in the morning and says, "How can I be destructive today?" I I don't know such people. I mean, I was thinking about 9/11. You know, the 19 people who had to get onto planes knowing that they're going to hijack those planes and crash them into the Twin Towers. What does that take? You know, the the the stra- strategizing to murder as many innocent men, women, and children as possible because they are living in America. Even if they're not Americans. Many of the victims were not Americans. Victims of 90 countries were killed on September 11th 20 years ago. But how many people do you know like that? How many people? I don't know anybody like that. So this woman asked me a gevaldige kasha. She says, "Why am I going to say on Yom Kippur that I'm sinning and sinning and sinning and sinning and I'm doubting the Reikum and have no justification and and and I all I want is your compassion because I'm really such a bad person." She said, "I don't think it's true about me and certainly she said I'm not going to talk about me, but it's not true about my friends and neighbors." I get the kasha, man. So I want to answer this question publicly. Sometimes we have to know how to tune into what the real message of Yom Kippur is and what all the confessions are really about. The Zohar says that there are two levels of chuva. There's something called chuva tata and chuva ila. Chuva tata, tata in Aramaic means lower. Ila in Aramaic means higher like tahton elyon. In Aramaic it's tata ila. So the Zohar, which is written in Aramaic, says there is chuva tata, which is the basic lower level of chuva, the first floor if you wish. And then there's chuva ila, which is a more elevated, a more refined, a more inspired, a higher form of chuva. And these terms, chuva tata, chuva ila, are frequent. Not only is it mentioned in the Zohar, but frequent in the works of nister, of machshava, of hashkafa, of mussar, of chassidus. Excuse me, Sifrei Chassidus. Where this theme is often not just thrown around or mentioned, but sometimes elaborated upon. Lower level and higher level. What are these two levels of chuva? What do they mean? And how do they apply to our lives? We know Yom Kippur is about chuva. The Rambam writes in the laws of chuva that Yom Kippur is the ultimate time of chuva, ace kates mechilo slichos, the ultimate time of forgiveness. But what is the forgiveness for? So it sounds like one is chuva that you do on big stuff and then there's a higher level of chuva that you do on small stuff. You know, they're not they're noticeable st- things that are less noticeable. Gives me an opportunity to cough. But the truth is that these two levels of chuva represent completely two different paradigms. And they're not contradictory to each other, but they focus on two different layers of existence. And before I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you. Does that make sense? Before I tell you what I want to tell you, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to tell you. And that is that in this generation, especially in our times today, the main avoida of Yom Kippur and all year is not chuva tata. It's chuva ila. It's not the lower level of chuva, it's the higher level of chuva. I I'm going to say again, these are not two uh two this is not a competition between two chuvas that are butting heads with each other. It's two layers of the same reality. The question is what am I focusing on? What am I my emphasis on? They're not contradicting or negating each other because it's both part of chuva and chuva is about oneness. So there's never a contradiction. But it's bringing out two different perspectives and what my focus and emphasis is. Let's first focus on chuva tata. Chuva tata, the lower level of chuva, is the way chuva is defined in basic halacha, Jewish law, and in basic sforim that deal with chuva. And that is it's basically, thank you. It's basically repentance. Even though repentance is not really a Jewish translation of the word chuva, the translation repentance comes from a non-Jewish translation. The reason we use it in English books is because we need a translation for chuva. So you repent. The real word for chuva is return. But let's let's take it at face value. What does repentance mean? Repentance means I acknowledge that I made a mistake. Willingly or unwillingly. I may have slammed the door on your finger not willingly, but I made a mistake. I slammed the door and it's hurt you. I may have said something again, unintentionally. But I don't say I'm sorry only when I did things intentionally. If I slammed the door and hurt somebody, I still say I'm sorry. Excuse me. So the basic chuva is I acknowledge, I express remorse for something I said or did or even mentally engaged in that was inappropriate, that was wrong. It could be ben adam l'makom, between me and Hashem. Ben adam l'chaveiro, between me and a fellow person. As the Rambam, who codified the laws of teshuvah first and then later there's in Shulchan Aruch and many sefarim, Shaarei Teshuvah, many sefarim that deal with teshuvah, formulated three basic elements of teshuvah tata. The first is remorse. We call it charatah. Charatah al ha'averah, I feel bad. I really feel bad. In other words, I realize that I was clueless. I realized that I was in a bad space. I realized that I was weak. I realized that something overtook me, my yetzer hara overtook me. Whatever manifestation that overtaking happened, and I come to you when I express remorse. That remorse comes from within. That's number one. Number two, I express it. This is what we call vidui, confession. I say I'm sorry. It's not just I sit in my own room and I wallow in regret and remorse. I come to the person and I say, I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry. Or we say to Hashem, al chet shechatati lifanecha, in this sin or that sin. We have the list of al chets and everybody adds whatever they want to add. I always say in shul, when we do the al chets, I tell the the people in shul in our minyan that al chet is a list, but it's an opportunity for everybody to insert whatever they would like to speak about. And it's really, as I said before, it's really a glorious opportunity. Where God says, I'm stopping everything. I just would like to have here what you have to say. And to be able to fix that and to repair it and to know that there is absolute forgiveness is really in a very, not just healthy, but a very joyous and meaningful experience. Excuse me. There's a beautiful verse from Reb Simcha Bunim of Pshischa. He was one of the great Chassidic masters, Reb Simcha Bunim of the city of Pshischa in Poland. And he asked a very original question. He said, when Jews finish davening Ne'ilah, what do they do right after that? They daven Ma'ariv. How does Ma'ariv begin? V'hu rachum, yechaper avon v'lo yashchit. God is compassionate and he forgives sin. Later we daven Shmoneh Esrei in Ma'ariv and in middle of Shmoneh Esrei we say, slach lanu avinu ki chatano. Forgive us for we have sinned. Reb Simcha Bunim says, come on. This is off. I don't understand. All day they were standing in shul with the kittels and taleisim, fasting, men, women, young and old, and they're saying, forgive me. Slach lanu, mechale lanu, kaper lanu, mechayek mechayek berachamim rabim erase. And God says, salachti kidvarecha. And you finish Ne'ilah, you confess again, ashambu vagadnu. They finish Ne'ilah. What's the slach lanu avinu ki chatano? How many sins do people do between Ne'ilah and Ma'ariv? If after Ne'ilah the shul would say, okay, we're taking a 20-minute break for some juicy gossip, you know, let's talk about the chazzanim, let's talk about the rabbi's sermons, let's talk about the gabbaim, let's talk about everything that went wrong in shul. Nobody does that between Ne'ilah and Ma'ariv for the very simple reason that they're hungry. So, there's usually no break. We have to convince the chazzan to slow down, relax, give us a few minutes after Ne'ilah. Some people have a minyan to say something. Tell them after. People are in a rush. I understand. They're starving. So, they rush into Ma'ariv. Right away, v'hu rachum yechaper avon. Thank you, God, for forgiving my sin. Where did you do a sin? And then in Ma'ariv, slach lanu avinu ki chatano. What did I sin? Great question, Reb Simcha Bunim of Pshischa. You know what he answered? He said that the sin of motzei Yom Kippur is that Jews don't believe that God forgave them. I don't really believe I'm forgiven. I think I'm still filthy. I'm still dirty. I'm still stained. He says, that's the sin. Slach lanu avinu ki chatano. Where did I sin? I just spent the whole day in asking forgiveness. I don't really believe you forgave me. I still don't trust the relationship. I still feel there's an issue between us because something happened. He says, that's a sin. Trust God. If you trust God, somebody wrote me an email a few days ago, I did teshuvah, but I don't think Hashem has forgiven me. So, I wrote back to him this line. I said, if you believe that Hashem exists and that what you did is a sin because he said you shouldn't do it, do you believe that? So, he writes back, of course I believe it. I said, based on what? He says, cuz the Torah says God says that this is a sin. I said, so you trust the Torah. He says, yeah, that's why it's a sin. So, I said, the same Torah, the same God says that when you repent, he forgives. What's this poginu dibur? I I trust you 50%. The other 50% I don't trust you. When he tells you you sinned, you trust God. When he tells you I forgave you, sorry, I don't trust you. I said, don't blame that on Judaism. That that's an innate element of guilt and anxiety that we have to deal with. That you'll only trust Hashem when he says you're bad. When he says you're good, sorry, I can't accept that. Doesn't work that way. So, Reb Simcha Bunim said, for this I say v'hu rachum yechaper avon. So, the basic level of teshuvah is in itself a tremendous idea. That with these steps of remorse for the past and confession of my mistakes and planning a new way forward for tomorrow, which we call kabbalah al ha'atid, resolution for the future. These are basically the three steps of teshuvah, even though each one has, of course, many different aspects and nuances and details. And when one does this, Hashem says, you are forgiven. As the Rambam famously says, ein l'chadavar omed lifnei ha'teshuvah. There's nothing that stands in the path of teshuvah. As he puts it, afilu kofer kol yamav be'ikar v'shav bacharonah, somebody who denied Hashem's existence throughout his or her entire life, and at the end the person does teshuvah, there is complete forgiveness. He brings the example of Menashe, the king of Yisrael, the king of the Jewish people. Menashe was, of course, the son of Chizkiyahu HaMelech, but he did not mirror the behaviors of his father. He was a king for 55 years, and the Tanach testifies that he was the most heinous criminal in the history of Jewish leadership. What Menashe did during those 55 years is indescribable. He was really a vicious and it seems like malicious evil king. And even Menashe, towards the end of his life, his teshuvah was accepted. And the Gemara says in Sanhedrin that the malachim told God, it's not fair. It doesn't make sense. This guy is a real lowlife. He's despicable. And the malachim told Hashem, we're not letting him come to you. You know, they're like the gabbaim that don't let you go in. So, they didn't want to let So, what did Hashem do? You know what the Gemara says? Chatar loi chatirah tachas kisei hakavod. God dug a tunnel under the kisei hakavod to let Menashe come in. Now, that's very strange. Hashem doesn't have balabatishkeit? The gabbai really owns everything? You grew up in Bnei Brak. I mean, you lived in Bnei Brak. The gabbai runs everything? Like No no no God, you don't you don't call the shots? Like the malachim say, you have no access, there's no access. That's not a good way to run to run a world. They decide What if they're making a mistake? And what if they don't see the full picture? You have to understand what the chazzan mean. The malachim tell Hashem, we're not letting him. And God agrees. He's like, okay, don't let him. I'm I'm building a tunnel. And he builds a tunnel. We'll soon see what that means. But this is the concept of teshuvah that there's absolute forgiveness. That's teshuvah tata. So, teshuvah tata I focus on my wrongdoings. And unless I'm guilt-ridden with anxiety, as I said before, it's a wonderful thing and a wonderful opportunity in life to be able to take stock, to be able to make a cheshbon hanefesh, a reckoning of my soul, and to have SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO ABOUT IT. AND not just somebody, but the creator of the world. The creator of the whole world and the creator of all Torah and mitzvot says, let's have a conversation about it. I'm here. I want to listen to everything. And you, cuz as I said before, you could be as vulnerable as you want, which the tefillot are pretty are are pretty vulnerable. I would say, if you could just hear your own voice in the words, you could see how vulnerable they are in terms of a person really exposing herself or himself and laying their soul and body and mind bare, which is the essence of all real healing and reconciliation, all real therapy work, all real connection work, all real teshuvah. That's teshuvah tata. So, what's teshuvah ilah? Teshuvah tata is the teshuvah that's usually articulated in halacha because it's the basic revealed aspect of teshuvah, the way it comes out in nigleh, which means the concretized element of Torah of halacha. There's teshuvah ilah, as Isaiah says. What's teshuvah ilah? Teshuvah ilah is the higher level of teshuvah. This takes us into a different space. The higher level of teshuvah is basically not focusing on my wrongdoings. The higher level of teshuvah means, here teshuvah means returning. Teshuvah ilah is the discovery of how holy I am. Not allowing my mistakes or my sins to define me and make me believe that that is who I am. In teshuvah tata, I'm focusing precisely on my mistakes. I'm zooming into that. I come to you and I say, I'm sorry for X, Y, and Z. That's teshuvah tata. Teshuvah ilah, what I'm focusing on is that at my core and my essence, I was never separated from Hashem. I can't ever be separated from Hashem. I can't be detached. I can't be disconnected. Even if I made mistakes and even if I sinned and even if I sinned willingly and even if I violated the blueprint and I caused damage to myself or others. Nonetheless, there's a quintessential truth about the human soul that since you are a chelek Elokai mima'al mamash, the neshama is literally a piece of Hashem. So, just as Hashem is not getting filthy or dirty or tainted or tarnished, your essence, your truth, your true identity is completely aligned. Not just aligned, it's a manifestation of the Ein Sof of Hashem's infinite oneness and light. When you say that a soul is a chelek Elokai mima'al, it means that it's a derivative, so to speak, of Hashem's consciousness, of Hashem's reality, of Hashem's oneness. That space inside of me is invincible. It's It's indestructible. Just like Hashem is invincible and indestructible, that space in me is invincible, which means even if I have been through difficult situations that I may have experienced and endured as a result of what other people said or did again, maybe in times when I was even too young to process it emotionally, intellectually and therefore went in into a very deep place, what we call pre-verbal internalization, things that were internalized before I had words even, so I never processed it and I don't even know that it's lurking there. Even if all that may be true and may be affecting me, but it's affecting the me that I'm processing right now. It's affecting a more external level of me. But there is a deeper layer of me that is always wholesome, always holy, always splendid, always sacred. It's Elokus, it's divine. The Baal HaTanya used to say, "A Yid nisht a vil or nisht a ken sein abgescheid fun Elokus." A Jew now nor can he nor does he want or she want be separated from Hashem. It's the DNA of your soul. It's the DNA of your brain. It's the DNA of your mind. It's the DNA of your body. We say in Hoidu in the morning every day from Tehillim, "Oiz v'chedva b'makomai." In his space, there is oiz and chedvah. What's oiz? Oiz means confidence. Like Hashem oiz la'amoi yitein. Oiz like strength, confidence, competence. Chedvah means joy. Chedvah, sasson, simcha, these are all expressions of joy. So, when you say oiz v'chedvah b'makomai, in Hashem's space, there's confidence and there's joy, what is Dovid HaMelech telling us? He's telling us, "How do you ever know in life if you're in Hashem's space or outside of Hashem's space?" Now, the truth is I can't be outside of Hashem's space because m'lo chol ha'aretz k'vodo, or as Uncle Moishe, right, teaches, Hashem is there, Hashem is there, and literally everywhere, up, up, down, down. But even before Uncle Moishe, the Zohar says, "Leis atar panuy minei." There's no space devoid of him. M'lo chol ha'aretz k'vodo. Chazal say Hashem revealed himself to Moishe from a thorn bush to tell him, "Ein makom panuy b'lo Shechinah." Even in the thorns of a person's life, I look at my certain behaviors of mine, my certain parts of my neural pathways, they seem thorny. I'm there, too. But in my perception, I could be out of his space. How do I know if I'm in my perception out of his space? And the answer is, if I'm in a place of confidence and joy, then I'm in makomai, in his space. If I'm not in a place of confidence and joy, I'm outside of his space. Now, what does joy mean? Joy doesn't mean there's no pain. There's a difference between pain and suffering. There's a Holocaust survivor, she's a therapist in La Jolla, you may have heard of her, Edith Eger, Dr. Edith Eger. She's in her 90s. The Choice, yeah. It's an incredible book. She wrote the book at the age of 90 or 91. She was in Auschwitz. And just incredible, incredible person. And she lives in La Jolla. She's still a practicing therapist. She's from Budapest, from Hungary. The Choice and then The Gift. Why did I mention Hashem's essence? I Confidence, joy, and pain. Oh, so she says as follows. She says She says So, she has a line there that suffering I can't choose Suffering I couldn't choose if I'm going to suffer or not, but victimhood is a choice I have to make. Am I a victim or not? What she's basically distinguishing is, I'll put it a little bit in different words, there's pain and there's suffering. Pain is a reality. If somebody loses a loved one, there is pain. And to deny that pain would be cruel. To say, "Oh, it's not painful, it's wonderful." It's cruel. Or even let's just move on. That's why in Halacha, there's 12 months of aveilus. You don't just say, "Oh, you snap your finger, it's time to move on." A person moves on, but it's not simple. It's a very challenging transition because pain is real. If something was amputated from me, a person experiences the depth of the pain. And the more sensitive you are, the more pain. And the more love there was, the more pain. If there was not love, there was not be no pain. So, the pain is actually commensurate with the depth of the love. But there is a difference between pain and suffering. Suffering means when a person feels that the pain is just meaningless, just purposeful just purposelessness. It just breaks them and discourages them and demoralizes them and puts them into a state of despondency. Oiz v'chedvah b'makomai doesn't mean there's no pain, but it means that at every moment a person realizes that there's a journey, that there's a picture that's larger than I am, that souls are eternal. And that even if things are unfathomable and we don't understand so much, but that there is meaning and there is value in every moment, that every soul is eternal, that every moment has absolute dignity, that every relationship lives on lanetzach. So, oiz v'chedvah b'makomai, how do I know that I'm in his space? I know because there's confidence and joy in his space. So, Dr. Edith Eger tells a story that she was on the train. There was three sisters and parents. And she was on the train from Budapest to Auschwitz. They didn't know they're going to Auschwitz, of course. And uh they were on the train for a few days. And she says that her mother turned to her. She was I think 16 years old. And her mother told her these words. She said, "Edith." By the way, her name is Edith Eger. She's a grandchild of Rabbi Akiva Eger. Yeah, people don't know that Akiva Eger, who was considered one of the greatest luminaries of the Jewish people in Poland until today in all the yeshivas, the teachings of Akiva Eger are studied with tremendous alacrity because of his depth and brilliance. So, she's uh from that family, Akiva Eger's family. In any case, her mo- Excuse me. Her mother tells her that I want you to remember one thing and that is people can take away everything from you. They cannot take away what you put into your own head. What you put into your own head, this will always belong to you. She said 5 minutes after her mother said these words, the trains came to a striking halt. The doors opened and the SS and the Gestapo, yimach sh'mam, with their dogs, began barking and screaming, "Raus! Raus! The Jews should come out!" She didn't know this at the time, but within a an hour, her mother was in the gas chambers. She and her sisters were sent to the barrack. And she said she was in the barrack. I don't know if those of you who visited it, may call it a barrack. It's surprising how people could live there. It was takka unbearable conditions, planks of wood, and you could have 10 people, 10 girls on one bed. At night, she was starving. Remember they were on the train for a few days without food and water. They came to Auschwitz, they didn't give them anything. That night, they also didn't give them anything. She was days without food and water, literally emaciated, crippled on every level. You know, when people starving, you know, we know Yom Kippur one day, right? And if it goes 2 days and 3 days and 4 days, nobody even understands what it does to people. Like you lose your whole humanness and dignity, which is what the Germans wanted to do. And in inside the barrack, there's a visitor who comes in, Josef Mengele, yimach sh'mo, the angel of death, who loved music. And he says, "I heard I heard that we have a skilled dancer who came from Hungary. Is this dancer here?" So, she says, "Yes, me." And she goes and she says, "Okay. So, I want you to dance before me." So, the last thing she wanted to do was dance after days of not eating and drinking and after finding out what happened to her parents. So, that was the last thing she wanted to do, but she realized that this is important to keep her life, to keep her alive. So, she begins dancing. She remembers what her mother just told her that morning. The only thing they can't take away from you is what you put in your mind. So, she says, "In my mind, I wasn't standing here in Auschwitz in a barrack in front of Mengele." In her mind, she was in the Budapest Opera. And she said she danced that night in the most passionate and enthusiastic way that she's ever danced in her whole life. To the point that this Mashia Meinik was so impressed that he threw her a whole loaf of bread. And he left. For her that meant literally life. But she had her sisters and she had the other people on her bed, so she divided the loaf between all of them and they all got a piece of bread that night. And she describes at the end of the war, as you know, they all went on a death march. At that point she was weighing less than 70 lbs. Her back was broken. And at some point she couldn't walk. If you stopped walking, you were shot. And those four girls who she gave bread the first night created an artificial seat and they carried her. And that's how she was saved. So she was explaining the power of people's thoughts, how you think about yourself. You know, we don't imagine the power of those thoughts, but it really creates a different reality in my brain. Tracht gut vet zein gut is not just a nice Jewish positive way of looking at things, you know, why not? Tracht schlecht. Was that Tracht gut vet zein gut? Why not, you know? Let's give people, you know, a little hope. It's a reality. Vet zein gut means that my thoughts create real changes. They create real changes in my brain, in my energy, in my home, in my children, in people around me. It It creates different dynamics in the world. We don't always know exactly what and how and when and how it comes back to us. Thinking positive doesn't mean a person is naive. Doesn't mean that a person is in la-la land. Doesn't mean a person doesn't have to do what they have to do based on Hashem's will that we take care of ourselves in the best way possible al pi teva. But thinking positive means when I have a choice to look at something in different ways and different perspectives, I can either focus on the negative, focus on the positive. So here we come now to what the real essence of teshuvah ilah means. Teshuvah ilah means to be able to know that in my core I am in Hashem's space always cuz I am him. I am one with him. There's no separation. So there there's confidence and there's joy and there's optimism and there's purity and there's holiness and there's splendor and there's glory. I am telling myself, "Look what you did yesterday. Look what you're about to do. Look at this mistake. Look at that mistake." All those voices are voices that are not capturing the true essence of me. And sometimes those voices can actually be yetzer hara's voices that want to take me down. I What if those voices are real? There are serious setbacks, serious challenges, maybe psychological, mental, moral, spiritual, emotional. I am bruised. I am bruised. I got an email this morning. I'm just sharing I'm sharing all this. It's a vulnerable time. A 18-year-old boy tells me, "I'm a yeshiva boy. I learn in yeshiva. Eight years I'm suffering every day from depression. I wake up in the morning. My parents sent me to every psychiatrist in the world. I mean, every psychiatrist in the zip code, every psychologist, every therapist. Eight years later I'm still in the same place. Rabbi Jacobson, do you have any advice for me?" These are heart-wrenching emails of people. I get a lot of these types of emails. What do you tell such a person? I'm not a psychiatrist. I can't subscribe I can't prescribe medication. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a social worker. But this person, he said, "My parents sent me everywhere. Now tell me what is going on." The worst thing I didn't answer the email yet. May May May I say I hope he's listening. But the worst thing I can do at such moments is really describe myself as a lost case. Really describe myself as somebody who's just essentially damaged goods. We do it. But that is the antithesis of truth and it's the greatest weapon of my yetzer hara to take me away from all levels of teshuvah. Because when somebody is just experiencing guilt and how bad they are, what's the next step? The Tanya says in chapter 26, "When you feel horrible about yourself, what do you want to do?" What do people do when they feel pain? They want to get rid of the pain. So if I'm feeling horrible about myself, I want to get rid of the pain. What am I going to do? I'm going to do anything that gives me pleasure. And if I'm feeling horrible about myself, it's usually not going to be something very productive and spiritual. So the yetzer hara is brilliant. Make people feel guilty and bad about themselves and the next step is usually they do something destructive. That's why you have to be so careful with guilt. People think guilt is a very Jewish thing. Guilt is the essence of Yom Kippur. With guilt you have to be very careful because I would say 90% of guilt is coming straight from the yetzer hara as a tremendous method of getting a getting a person into a spiritual dustbin. The yetzer hara would come to me and say, "Rabbi Y Y, I think you should sin today. I have a good sin for you. Here, go to this to this place and sin." He may think he's not going to get me. So he does something much clever. He says, "By the way, Rabbi Y Y, you're a sensitive guy, right? I want to point out to you what you said yesterday in the class. Do you see what a mistake you made? Oh, this is geshmack. So the yetzer hara creates hara. Now my nefesh wants me to be reflective. He gave me a compliment about my sensitivity, right? But what does he want? He wants me to become a mess. Not to fix what I did, but to come to the conclusion that I am a guilty person. I'm a bad person. And then the next step is for me donuts are not good. But if I'm feeling horrible, there's a donut on the on the on the counter. You need to do something to give yourself pleasure. But it's all the yetzer hara. It's a much better way than telling people go do AN AVEIRA. MUCH BETTER. IT SOUNDS JEWISH. SOUNDS HOLY. Sounds beautiful. Sounds mussadik. Do you realize what a bad person you are? Amacha You got the person. So thoughts are so critical and so important. Teshuvah ilah then is teshuvah for the fact that I think that at my core I have to do teshuvah. Teshuvah tata is focusing on what I have to do teshuvah. I made mistakes. Teshuvah ilah is focusing on your own ilah, on your own highest and deepest space, which is your real essence. You're never out of that space. The only question is how much I perceive it, how much I'm conscious of it, how much I live with it, how much I breathe it. But that space, just like nobody can destroy Hashem, nobody can destroy you. Teshuvah ilah is returning to that space and realizing I am not my sins. I am not my mistakes. I am not my traumas. I am not my wounds. I am not my anger. I am not my fears. I am not my insecurities. On the contrary, ALL THOSE THINGS CAME ABOUT because I was not me. Because I was not in touch with how powerful I am, with how beautiful I am, with how glorious I am, with how sacred I am, with how splendid I am, with how divine I am. IF I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN TOUCH WITH THAT, I wouldn't need all these things. I wouldn't I'm not go I don't I'm not going there. It's not doing anything for me. It's alien to me. It's foreign to me. It's a complete aberration of my inner identity and what I'm really yearning for and craving for. There's a beautiful vort from the Heichal Satmar Rav, zechuso tzadik livracha, the Divrei Yoel, Rabbeinu Yoel Teitelbaum. The Satmar Rav writes, he says, "In Rosh Hashanah, Yomim Noraim, we say, Hayom haras olam, hayom ya'amid bamishpat kol yitzurei olamim, im kebanim im ka'avadim. You remember? Im kebanim rachameinu keracham av al banim, ve'im ka'avadim eineinu lachas loyes ad shetchanenu vesotzeinu le'or tzidkeinu hayom kadosh." Which means as follows. We tell Hashem, we say, "Either treat us like children or like servants. If you see us as children, or we see ourselves as children, then you should just have compassion like a father, like a tati has compassion on his kinderlach. You know what? If we see us as servants, then we just look up to you and we're waiting for your grace." So the Satmar Rav says, "What's the What's exactly this What are we giving God this multiple choice? If we're children, then we're not looking up to you and waiting for your grace. We just say like, 'Have rachmanus.' And if we're servants, then we can't say 'Have rachmanus' cuz we're like servants. So basically we're like hoping for the best. What's this What's this choice that we're giving God?" So he says as follows. That the Gemara says in Maseches Kiddushin daf lamed vov, there's an argument between Reb Meir and Rebbi Yehudah. Rebbi Yehudah says that when Jews behave like children, they're called Hashem's children. Banim Atem is when you behave like a child. If you don't behave like a child, you're not a child. You're a stranger. Reb Meir says, "No. Bein kach u've bein kach Atem keruyim banim. You're always called a child. If you behave, if you don't behave." And he brings four pesukim that even when Jews were engaged in idolatry and in the worst sins, they're still children. Loy aimun bam, but they're zedim. I can't trust them, but they're my children. Banim mashchisum. They may be corrupt have corrupt ways, but they're banim. He brings four pesukim. Now usually we have a principle in all of Shas. The Gemara says in Eruvin 13 that Reb Meir was the brightest sage of his time. He was called Meir, which means or, light, because he was me'ir einei chachamim. He illuminated the eyes of the Jews with halacha. And yet in all of the arguments between him and the other sages, they never took his view as halakha. His view was always respected, but it didn't become the halakha. They always took the other view. The bad then always pass going according to the majority. They rejected the mayor for his other stuff. Why? So the Gamara says "Kilo Yochlu Chachamim Lamda Soiv Daita." Cuz they couldn't understand the depth of his words and therefore they couldn't deal with it. In other they all knew that he's in a different league. He's saying things, but his explanations were beyond them. So it's so paradoxical. And when you pass getting a halakha like it has to make sense. The logic has to make sense. And since they all knew they don't understand Reb Meir, so they literally used to tell Reb Meir, "We don't get you." So the Satmar Reb says like this, "In the argument between Reb Yehuda and the Reb Meir, Reb Yehuda says when you behave like a child you're a child. When you don't behave like a child, you're not a child." Reb Meir says, "No. Ben Kacho Ben Kach, Atom Kriyim Bonim." You're always called a child. So he says, "In most cases we say Reb Meir Reb Yehuda halakha is like Reb Yehuda, but not here." Cuz what's the reason we didn't pass getting a halakha like Reb Meir? Because nobody could understand Soiv Daita. Nobody could understand the depth of his wisdom. But Hashem does know the depth of Reb Meir's wisdom. So when Reb Meir said that Jews are always children, Hashem did know the depth of his wisdom. So the halakha is like Reb Meir. He says, "That's what we say. Im Ke Bonim." If we're like children, Rachameinu Ke Racham Av Al Bonim, have compassion like a father has compassion. Im Ke Avadim, if you're going to say the halakha is like Reb Yehuda, so we're not behaving well, so we're like servants. So he says, "Eineinu Le Chos Lyois. We're looking up to you. You know the real opinion behind Reb Meir. You know the real understanding behind Reb Meir. So there's no such a thing. We're just servants. We're always Bonim Atom Asher Melacheicham." Cuz Eineinu Le Chos Lyois. By us, maybe Reb Yehuda is right, but you understand the depth of Reb Meir. So therefore we're always Bonim. There's no such a thing as Avadim. So we have two different layers of chuva. Now let's bring it all back. Different generations focus on different levels of chuva. There's always both. Both it's all part of Torah. But there's generations that focus more on the Nigleh of Chuvah and more on the Nistor of Chuvah. The Nigleh of Chuvah is again the concretized practical Chuvah. I made a mistake. I did a sin. I have remorse. I APOLOGIZE AND I make a Kabala Al Lahaba resolution for the future. The Nistor of Chuvah goes to the Nistor of the person and is discussed in the Nistor of Torah, the esoteric dimensions of Torah, which discusses the fact, if you go to your own Nistor, the only thing you have to do Chuvah for is the fact that you think you have to do Chuvah. The worst sin that you have is that you think you're a sinner. That you think you're bad. You're evil. You're messed up. You're alienated. You're detached. The level where I'm detached is an external level. For that I have to do Chuvah Tatoh. But when I GO TO A DEEPER PLACE, the Chuvah is What's the Chuvah? The Chuvah is recognizing my true self. Now that sometimes takes a lot of Chuvah cuz it's hard. You would say, "Oh, that's easy." We know it's not easy. Sometimes it's easier for people to go into a default mode that I'm a sinner, that I'm alienated. So what's the Ashamnu Bagadnu Gazalnu on Yom Kippur with Chuvah Elokah? When I tell God I'm filled with sins, Chatoyim Avoinos Up'shoyim, Chuvah Tatoh, I'm focusing on my mistakes. If somebody is anxiety-ridden, it's very hard. That's why I explained you have to transcend anxiety to be able to deal with Vidui. But this lady was asking back to the question. PEOPLE ARE GOOD. PEOPLE ARE HOLY. And you know what? She's absolutely right. And that's why I heard from my Rebbi that primarily in our times the main issue, of course we have to do Chuvah Tatoh. And if I hurt somebody I need to apologize and I should apologize. And if I made a mistake willingly or unwillingly, I could correct it. I could fix it. We could fix it and it's an amazing opportunity. But what's the focus? What's the focus? The focus is Chuvah Tatoh in the context of Chuvah Elokah. And that is that the reason I made all these mistakes is cuz I didn't know me. Cuz I wasn't aware of me. Cuz I wasn't in touch with me. And maybe I'm having a very difficult time with that and that's where my Avodah is. To discover your innate divine beauty. To discover your innate divine glory. To discover the Yechida Ke Elokah Ke Amima. And here is where the sin comes in. The Yetzer Hara comes in to every many Jews and especially in our generation and has four words for you. And the four words are Mi Ani U'Mah Ani. Who am I and what am I? The Yetzer Hara says, "Come on. Give me a break. These classes of Rabbi YY are good in theory. But I know the truth about myself. I know what I think when I wake up in the morning. I know what I think when I go to sleep at night. I know what I'm dealing with. There's so many issues even if you don't want to call it sins, but I'm dealing with doubts and problems and trauma wounds and challenges and setbacks. I have so many stuff. You think that Hashem is going to dwell in you? "Va Asuli Mikdash Ve Shachanti Be Soichom." I'm going to dwell in them, in the people. Hamelech when he built the Beis Hamikdash he said, You know what he said when he built the Beis Hamikdash? He said, "Hashamayim U'Shmei Hashamayim Azei Lo Yechalkelucha Af Ki Habayis Hazeh." was talking to God in Melachim Aleph. He says, "It happened actually these days. The Chanukas Beis Hamikdash was on Ches Tishrei." The first Beis Hamikdash and it went for 14 days. They ate on Yom Kippur that year. It was real Chuvah Elokah. So Hamelech tells Hashem, he says, "I don't understand. The heavens and the heavens of heavens can't contain you. And this house could contain you?" Heavens can't contain Hashem. The heavens of heavens, how large is the universe? So the universe that we know is basically approximately 28 billion years. That's a lot. 28 billion light years. Light travels 186 86,000 miles per second. Okay? 28 billion light years. Think about what a year of light means. A second is 186,000 miles for light. That's the universe we know. That could contain Hashem? No, Hashem is infinite. Af Ki Habayis Hazeh? This house could contain Hashem? What is it? A joke? So Hamelech is asking like a rhetorical question. But the truth is, as it says in Sefarim, he's not just saying it can't. That's takka what Hashem says. Yes, in my infinity I can also go into this house. Don't limit my infinity. Don't tell me because I'm infinite I can only be infinite. I can also be in this house. Va Asuli Mikdash Ve Shachanti Be Soichom means in your heart. Comes the Yetzer Hara and says, "I know my thoughts. I know my depression. I know my mental challenges. I know my stress. I know my anxiety. I know my Aveiros. I know my Machshavos Zoros. I know what happened yesterday and a year ago and 10 years ago. So who are you going to fool? You can't fool Hashem. Don't think you can have a real relationship with God. Don't think you can have a glorious life. Don't think you could be a living manifestation of Hashem in this world. Don't think that you could confront all of your blockages and all of your addictions and all of your traumas. Just acknowledge the fact too much has happened. There's too much toxicity. There's a certain point where God says, "You're messed up. Sorry. Maybe I'll see you in another Gilgul." Whatever the form of this argument takes on, for this I have to do Chuvah. For this I have to do Chuvah. That's today's Chuvah. You know what's today's Chuvah? Today's Chuvah, of course I have to fix my mistakes. But the real Chuvah of today is that people don't believe and don't imagine how good they are. And you know how I know it's today's Chuvah? Cuz it's the hardest thing for people. It's easier for people to say today, "I made mistakes. I'm a bad Jew." That's Okay, not everybody, but people have not not They don't have such a hard time doing it. I'm telling you I'll show you 5% of the emails I get everybody, "I'm bad in this. I'm bad in that." You know what the Yetzer Hara IS REALLY OPPOSED TO TODAY? Saying how good you are. And I'm not talking about in an arrogant, haughty, foolish, immature way, "Oh, I'm good. I'm perfect. I'm impeccable. I'm flawless. I'm, you know, Mr. Perfect, Miss Perfect." That's not what This is really the deepest humility. Cuz when I speak about my goodness, what does it really mean? It means that I'm part of Hashem's infinity. It's not about my ego. This doesn't make people more control freaks or more narcissistic. It means that my goodness is a reflection of Hashem's goodness. Who am I really? I am an ambassador of God in this world. I am an ambassador of love and light and hope and healing and authenticity and wisdom and redemption. The Gamara says in Kiddushin, "Shlucho Shel Adam Ke Moiso." A Shliach of somebody is like the person who sent him. Adam is Adam Ha'elyon. Hashem is called Adam Ha'elyon. So Shlucho Shel A Jew who realizes that he or she is a Shliach of Hashem, you manifest Hashem's properties. THAT'S WHO I REALLY AM. I'm trauma I'm traumatized? I MAY HAVE STUFF INSIDE OF ME. BUT THEY'RE INSIDE OF ME. They're contained by my infinity. I DEFINE THEM. THEY DON'T define me. This is hard for people. You know how I know? The most pushback I get for my classes is when I say these things. If I tell people how bad they are, wonderful. If you tell people they're good, it's not true. You're taking away from people let them know how bad they are. The most pushback, why is this the most pushback? What's so wrong with telling Jews that they're holy? Cuz then people will get spoiled. They think they don't have to do it. Because the doesn't want this from people. The real owner that we are divine that you are absolutely amazing. And it doesn't mean you didn't make mistakes. It doesn't mean I SHOULDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE MY SHORTCOMINGS. ON THE CONTRARY, WHEN I KNOW how amazing I am in essence, then I can look at my shortcomings and say, I don't need this. These don't have to belong to me. I don't have to go back into that trap, into that orbit. When you see your greatness, when you see your awesomeness, when you see your infinity, so that anything that's not reflecting your infinity is like this doesn't belong to me. Of course I want to get rid of this. If I have to apologize, then that's what I do. Remorse, regret, the future. So it happens automatically, but it's in the context of my greatness. If I'm wearing a suit and the suit is dirty and filthy. Somebody poured orange juice and then somebody poured apple juice and then somebody poured grape juice. And then somebody's walking with you know, they give it to chocolate mousse cake with vanilla ice cream, right? You know those desserts when they spill on you? It's like a combination of chocolate and vanilla. It's the perfect disaster. Whatever you do for chocolate doesn't work cuz you have vanilla. Whatever you do for vanilla doesn't work cuz you have chocolate. And they pour it on my suit my suit. Okay. The cleaner's bill will be the same. This what's that what's But if I'm wearing this impeccable on this impeccable outfit, I'm wearing this impeccable begat. So light, so shiny, so glossy, it's it's beautiful, it's luminescent. And then somebody pours the chocolate mousse and vanilla on me, then I I don't feel good about it. I want to go change. Why? Because it's too clean, it's too beautiful. When you appreciate how beautiful you are, how clean you are, how white, how bright, how luminescent, how divine, how sacred, now when there's a stain, it's like it's a pastiche. This is I paid too much money for this garment. I invested too much time in finding it and getting the tailor to do exactly what I did what I wanted to do. It was not easy. It took her 3 weeks and it still wasn't ready for the wedding. And now it's a pastiche. Now that's even a garment, which a garment ultimately is a disposable item. When you're talking about your soul, the in that context is real. It's enduring. It's authentic. It builds. The doesn't doesn't feed off it. The as the said, always knows the and that's why he dug a tunnel. Now you understand the tunnel. The were focusing on it. And they said, "Listen, there comes a certain point where you can't apologize anymore. You know, you punch me in the face once, I'm sorry. Tomorrow you punch me in the face again, I'm sorry. At some point, I'm like jump into the Hudson River. Or if you want, it could be the Pacific. Stop apologizing to me. You're dishonest. You're disingenuous. The tell God it's like, you know, everybody could just play you that way. And they say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah." said sorry, it's unacceptable. digs a tunnel. I don't think it means he took a shovel and he started digging tunnels. says this. He digs a tunnel means he has to reveal the tunnel of the person's soul. I have to be able to realize that the basement, the foundation of my soul is much deeper than I ever imagined. You know, what's a tunnel? You look at the surface, there's nothing here. It's just ground. But you go deeper, there's tunnels and tunnels. built the bias. But tunnels you ever went to the tunnels? And hid the over there. Sometimes tunnels can go for miles. What they built from Gaza to going into Israel. But what's the concept of a tunnel? I look at the surface, it seems that this is the bottom, right? There's nothing deeper. You never realized the depth of a. Sometimes I look at myself, I never see my tunnels. I never see my depth. I don't know my depth. I let go of my depth maybe many years ago because there was a lot of pain over there. So I never I never reached out to it. I never discovered it. So says, "Let's discover the tunnels." And the moment covered on a tunnel level, you see that your pathway to was never obstructed. You don't need to get there. You're always one. You're always connected. So there comes a time when the main focus of is to be a law. To be able to say to you know what my greatest sin is? My greatest sin is that I don't know how attached I am to you. I don't know how holy I am. Help forgive my sin. Help me realize every moment of the day that I am an indispensable note in the cosmic symphony. That I am infinite light in this world. You wanted to ask something? That's a good question. Does law also have to be verbal? All when whenever whenever there's it's good that it's verbal. It's not the same level like it. It's really a shift in consciousness. All is a shift in consciousness, but it's always good when it's verbal. Although with it's not a condition like it. It says says in it's expressed in it. And in it's really a law is it's it's realizing how close we are. I have to tell you somebody sent me a few minutes ago. I'm sorry, just one more minute. You still on Mr. Roth? It was just very interesting. I have to read this to you. It was very very interesting. Uh Okay, this is a guy sends me. He's a friend of mine. He's I've been it. He says, "I'm in the I'm in awe of the who sir who speaks so much about our sins. The deepest parts of my soul connect with it, but it assumes a very strong level of self-esteem that most of us don't possess. assumed that people take for granted how good they are. So therefore the could focus on the negativity. But we live in a generation when people don't know how good they are and they don't take it for granted. I think we have to think about other things. As the as the generations progressed, I think our self-esteem was lost, our self-confidence, our certainty that recognizes us for the basically good people we are. We don't have that anymore. We don't think we're good people. So we need external reminders. And he says that's why Cook he says like this, "Just as people do a confession of their sins, sometimes it's important for them to do a confession of their goodness." I'm going to read you the confession that Cook wrote, okay? I have new. I'll translate. Yeah, yeah. I'll translate. We loved. We cried. We were generous. We spoke nicely and lovingly. We believed. We tried. We remembered. We embraced. We studied. We created. We longed. We fought for justice. We tried to accentuate the good. We attempted. We directed our vision to see. We opened our eyes to see. We did what you told us. We expounded. We were right sometimes. We called that in your name. We desired. We rejoiced and brought joy to others. And we supported others. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A good to everybody. Thank you. You're welcome. A good to Thank you for coming. Wonderful. Wonderful. Welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. But remember how good you are. That's the key care. That's it. Thank you. I confess for the sin that I think I am detached. I hope so. Okay.