The Struggle Podcast EP9 Joe Farkas - Unpacking Codependency: Traits, Patterns, and Narcissism

the anger, the stress, the burnout, the lies. What are we doing with those feelings? The codependent is petrified of saying no. There has a big sign on his head that says, "I'm a codependent and you can take advantage of me. What I have to say is nothing. I myself am zero. What I have to do is to rely on other people." Your job is to know that you lost yourself. seeking approval from whom? It makes you feel as the biggest loser in the world because you know what you're doing is not right and you're doing it anyway and you get older and older. What are the behaviors of codependency? How can we identify ourselves or other people who are codependent? [Music] Welcome to the struggle podcast. Today we are going to talk about the topic of codependency. I received a ton of questions which I will try to answer about codependency. First we are going to address the causes of codependency. The causes of codependency is as follows. If a child grew up and not understood, what does not understood mean? That child did not get any um validation. That child tried to speak to the parents in a certain way but that child was not understood. That child was not seen. The parents did not look at the child as an individual. They looked at the child as there is a system in this house and this is how we're going to run this house. The child learned at a very young age whatever his wills or needs are is just plain not understood. Another reason why a child would turn out to be a codependent is that the child was people pleasing. People pleasing means pleasing people in his circle. Constantly making sure that he's a good kid, trying to do the best that the kid could to please everyone around them. And this is siblings. These are the parents. These are the this is this is in school pleasing and pleasing constantly pleasing and the child at that time starts learning that this is how the child is going to get recognition. This is how you're going to become a self if you are going to please and please. Now if you think about it, pleasing is not something that you choose to do. Like if you feel that this is the right thing to do, you do it anyway because this is what makes you who you are. Now again, the child is pleasing for a reason. It's like a sale that needs to go through. So if the child is not understood, then the child is using a mechanism which is called pleasing against what your will is. But you're still doing it and doing it and still you don't feel like the sale is going through. You just feel like I have to do it. Maybe maybe someone will look at me or someone will validate me. A codependent child never feels as an individual. What does that mean? A codependent child feels that whatever they do doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how you feel. It doesn't matter what you want to do. It doesn't matter that what makes you grow. It doesn't matter what your fabric is. You are not an individual as a person. You're not seen as an individual. You are seen as part of a group or a company or a uh community and you have to do what everyone wants you to do. What is the norm in that community? Automatically the person feels that I don't know myself. I can't be myself. So let's say if the child has certain um talents, they will suppress those talents. It's not important what you have to what you want to bring to the table. What's important is that you follow the crowd. Again, that gives the child an idea that you're not an individual, that you're not unique. You don't have something to add. This is just a system. And all you have to do is to follow the system, please, and not be understood. Another cause of how a codependent child is being brought up is a lack of love and a lack of recognition. That child feels that I have a job. I am here to make something work for the people around me. Which means that again, you're not an individual. You're not to be loved. You're not to be recognized. All what you have to do is to follow the rules. Happens to be that you were born in this house. It happens to be that you were born in this environment. It happens to be that you were born in this community. There are kids before you. There are kids after you. You're actually being made small. You're actually being made to put into a box. And all you have to do is to follow and do what you're told to do. Now there is no recognition and there is no love because a child wants to be loved for who that child is for what that child brings to the table. And we have to understand this. This is a topic that is needs to be discussed which goes into the category of parenting. But a child who feels that he is a robot that that is going to make that child codependent. God forbid if a child grows up in a house where there's drugs, alcohol or violence. This is very sad stuff. If a child grows up in a house that actually sees that the father or the mother is actually losing it on the child and I have seen stories where the parents are violent to each other, which means that the father will hit the mother in front of the children. He loses himself to a point. He he doesn't recognize himself and he's losing it on the mother or losing it on the kids to a level that you can't recognize this person. And the children know this that every minute, any day can be a burst to the point that you will be beat. And this violence puts a child into trauma. Now, here's where the kicker is. Trauma is one thing but it is what you do with the trauma after. So think about it. If a child sees that the parent that the two parents are fighting and one parent is hitting actually hitting the other, what is that child supposed to do with this information? What is he how is he supposed to deal with that? So that child cannot go over to the violent parent and tell the parent how I feel, what I saw. That's called traumatizing. So traumatizing is a symptom of codependency. If a child sees that a parent comes home intoxicated and turns the house over, that child is going to miss something and that child feels that they can't disclose this to anybody. That child was not introduced to professional help. That child cannot talk to the mother because the mother is so upset and she doesn't know how to handle it. So what happens? What does the child do with those feelings? And that is in there's drugs involved. That whole house comes falling apart. And now here are the children who are trying to um keep a nice face and go to school and pretend that everything is okay. These are extremely traumatizing effects that could make a child feel not enough that could make a child feel um with a low self-esteem and a low selfrespect. So imagine a child at a certain age living in the home pretending that everything is okay and just dealing with these serious issues. That brings me to the subject of how how far you cannot judge another person. You see a person on the street or wherever you go and you have an opinion, it is beyond words. How can you judge another person? You don't know what's going on in the other person's house. That you have to take in consideration. Now, that child is learning as a young child to wear a mask. Two faces. One is for the outside and whatever is going on in the inside. And sometimes you can see children want to go over to their neighbors. They never want to go home. This has tremendous, tremendous consequences, which is unbelievable stuff. Emotional neglect is another one. Emotional neglect means that if a child uh has some kind of talent or if a child has something that he was bullied in school or if a child has some kind of issues which every child has. Every child has a different brainwiring that child saw something or that child is more of the feeling child. That child is more every child has a difference. Every child has different feelings. Now a child wants to come home and tell the parents, "This is how I feel. Is this normal? Is this not normal? I'm trying to learn and it doesn't go. I can't make the score on the tests. This this child is giving me different vibes. This child is going after me. There's emotional things that's going on in the child's life, but the child is emotionally neglected, which means that the parents are like not there for the child. Ah, don't worry about it." that you tell the child, "Laugh it off or it's a joke. It's nothing." The child learns from a very young age that what happens in your house, what happens with your emotional needs, I'm not going to help you. You can't talk to me about the subject. You can talk to me about food. You can talk to me about if your shoe is too tight, you can talk to me about all kinds of nonsense, but emotions don't come to me. It is uh they make you feel like it's uh not manly enough. You're a teenager. What are you doing? Step it up. Do whatever you have to. I know about a story that a teenager um had issues with his rasha. His rashiva was a mind manipulator and he was playing games with that teenager. He was ignoring him. He was accepting him. He was playing this games through and he was involving this whole class and it was very bad. But that child cannot speak to the parents about it. that child would be the the parents would tell the child do me a favor. Why is he good for everybody? Why is it not good for you? Says this mind manipulator has a different language to me that he has to the other kids. He loves to to play with my mind and I ignore him back and we have this game. I'll this is you know you have to understand not having a relationship and ignoring each other is a relationship. That's part of the sickness that you get up with them. You you get up with this in mind. You go to sleep with this in mind. This is huge mind playing that teachers or yeshivas or can have with their bkarim and it's very very dangerous. This is damaging a child because the child's brain is being developed. Now here you put this child in a position that he has to sort things out on his own. Now imagine that he doesn't have a mother or a father that he can pick up the phone and tell that father, "You see this guy? This guy is sitting over there playing a massive game, a big Russian Shiva, but he's torturing my soul to no end." Bullying. Bullying is a subject for itself. But bullying could be at home. It's so complex that if there is a child who has some peace and that child is at home and pretty much you know that child is living their own life and then there's a child who needs help and of course that the parents who are not there are ignoring the child that needs help. Now what happens that child who needs help is becoming a bully in the home. He's bullying his sister. He's bullying his father. He's bullying everybody around him because something is bothering him. Something was not identified. What is wrong with this child? But in the meantime, there is a innocent child being bullied. And I'm talking about real insults and real sometimes physical and sometimes mental. But the idea is that the child is being bullied from in the morning till at night for one reason only because that other child is jealous at this particular child that is being bullied which jealousy between children belongs in the parenting um episode. But the point is what I want to bring out these are all causes of codependency which we have to be very aware of. We have to be educated in codependency. The codependents have a tendency to be attracted to narcissist. But sometimes even a codependent that was not did not have a relationship with a narcissist in your entire life, it's going to affect you. It's going to affect you if you have a healthy relationship as well. It's going to affect you in business. It's going to affect you in every part of your life because that kills your self-esteem. If you want to know what kills your self-esteem, why you are not built up to a point that you um that you are you are that you are confident enough to walk and to make some sales and to not be embarrassed and to know what what your mission in life is. All the stuff is rooted as a young child of how you were brought up. Now the job is to become aware and start working on yourself to rewire your brain to understand to become educated and understand that you are a person that the people you grew up with this may be your parents because the parents are the first people who uh entered your life when you were born and it may be your siblings but they were limited. They were limited in a certain way and there's no reason for you to continue. You need to become self-aware and you need to start working on yourself to rewire that kind of brain wiring. Another another symptom of how a child is going to become codependent is while in a dysfunctional house a young child somehow unconsciously starts feeling that they are responsible for stuff in the house to make things run smooth or to uh avoid conflict. So what they do is they take on adult responsibilities. Adult responsibilities means that it is not your job to make peace in a fight. It's not your job. It's not your job to talk about certain subjects important subjects that is not it doesn't fit your age. But the child because of the child saw so much chaos the child becomes now a rescuer. The child wants to fix the child feels it's his responsibility. So if the child feels that this is his responsibility, it takes a toll on the child's mind. It's not your position right now. When the day comes, you have to become a fixer. You have to become a rescuer. But not now. An 8-year-old child, a 10year-old child, and even a teenager, a 15year-old child is not supposed to make peace between a father and a mother. They're not even supposed to hear what is going on. It's not their business. But this is something that's happening a lot that sometimes parents involve their children. The parents also don't have somebody to talk to and the parents did not take care of themselves outside the home. So the child they confide in the child they ask the child and this is also a tremendous subject which damages the children. If you share personal issues with the children and you ask for validation for the children, you become inshed in something that is going to have serious consequences on the child when the child will become an adult. Abandonment issues. If a child feels out the parents and they don't feel that bond, they don't feel that when they want to go to a different school or whatever they feel, they cannot share this with the parents because they feel that they will be abandoned. They know that this is a no no. This is not happening in my father's house. He put down the rules. And if that's going to happen, I'm going to be abandoned. And the fear of being abandoned, which means it's validating everything we just described, all the causes of codependency, that is a fear that the child does not want to go there. So basically what you're seeing is that whatever the child wants in his life all of that is being put to the side and that is the cause of codependency. Basically in plain language it means whatever desire you have whatever want you have whatever needs you have means nothing. You will be like your job is to be like in the army. There is a general and you are the soldier and don't ask and don't argue. Just do whatever we tell you to do. And for a child who is a thinker, for a child who wants to grow, this is going to have a tremendous effect on the child as far as self-esteem and self-confidence goes. Now that's why children who have a very distant relationship with their parents suffer from codependency. They know that the parents will never be proud of them. No matter what they do, no matter what they do, if it's a positive or if it's a negative, they will have no validation. That is a tremendous distance that people have because what happens is that the father feels that he isn't going to lose respect because he is sharing his vulnerabilities with the child. You see everything has to have a balance. But there is a way that a parent can show a child that the parent is not in charge and the parents is also a human being for some kind of reason. there is a certain uh distance between the parents and the children because there's a cover thing involved and I'm not going to share. I'm not going to apologize. I'm not going to show the child that I'm a human being because this this persona that the father and the mother are trying to portray in the house is that I'm Superman. I am the hero. But it's having a reverse effect because if you do share with your child that you have feelings and you're also struggling and you're a human being and you're also going to make mistakes and you are explain you're you're you're letting the child know that it is okay to make a mistake and it is okay if you mess up we're going to sit down and figure out how to fix it. So these are all very important to learn about parenting. But the causes that this kind of behavior has is that the child becomes a codependent. Now I also got a lot of questions about codependent behavior. Since the child is now a codependent, the question is what are the behaviors of codependency? How can we identify ourselves or other people who are codependent? Now, of course, if there is a codependent, there is a very big chance that the codependent is going to be attracted to the wrong people. And that is brutal because the causes that we just explained is the hole that the codependent has, the void that the codependent has in his heart is huge. And this must be filled. Now if the codependent will not go and uh research and not go for help and not understand themselves their kind of behavior, they will go and they will fall into very very bad relationships because the codependent is going to try to fill the void from a bad place. So here's the behaviors of a codependent. The main behavior of a codependent is that they rely on others. Which means that the codependent since they came out from this chaotic house now the codependent learned that I am nothing. What I have to say is nothing. I myself am zero. What I have to do is to rely on other people. Rely on other people's validations. Rely on other people to be seen. rely on other people to to make me feel who I am. Which means of course the codependent is going to try to please friends and family to get a feeling of being needed to get a feeling of being understood which the codependent is missing. The codependent starts working on their image. You see on the inside the codependent is completely shattered. Inside the codependent feels like nothing. Inside the codependent doesn't have any self-esteem, but they're working on an image. They're putting up a persona. So, it gets complicated because what you do certain things which you don't want to do, you control other people. Now, here's where it gets complicated. The codependent will be will control other people because of the pleasing that the codependent wants to please another person. Which means you will push certain people who you can push. So let's say a codependent parent who wants to please their parents will push the kids to do certain things to please the the the grandparents. Now the codependent himself knows that this is wrong. The child knows that this is wrong. We both don't feel it but we are going to do it because I can't. I am in a place of pleasing. I am in a place of having an image. I am in a place of still getting validation. So the parents force their children to do certain things the way they see it. But in reality the child and the parent knows that this is wrong. Now this vicious cycle doesn't stop because again if the parent are not going to say the buck stops here, I need help. I need to understand my behaviors and the behaviors that I am lashing out on my children to please the grandparents. It's very complicated. A behavior of a codependency is of course to become the fixer man. The manager wants to fix, wants to manage, wants to see the world a certain way because you are coming to the rescue. And this will give you that feeling that you were missing as a child. You cannot fix the world. And a codependent must understand that you are not responsible for anybody's feelings. Which means that the codependent will sometimes turn the world over to make the parent feel good. Which means that if the parent is coming to a place and the parent uh made it know that if I come over there I'm going to be very upset. So the codependent goes and arranges everything around of how the parent should not be embarrassed. That's it. So, which means that if a parent says, "I can't come to this wedding because I'm going to be tremendously embarrassed for some particular behavior." Now, that parent has an issue for themselves. That parent needs to go help themselves because that parent is also pushing an image. Whatever that parent is, maybe a narcissist, maybe not. But the idea is that he's not in a healthy place. So the child will manage everything around this wedding to please the boogeyman. He's going to please the father because if he's going to be embarrassed, I can't do it for him. So here's what what's going on. In a twisted way, the codependent becomes a manipulator as well. It's also part of the behavior. The codependent will become a manipulator because the codependent is not supposed to be the manipulator. The codependent is supposed to be the victim. But the fact is that the codependent becomes a manipulator. Only the people that he can manipulate, not the people who manipulate him. But this is this is chaotic and this is a vicious cycle. Now the codependent in the back of his mind goes around constantly being afraid of loneliness. The codependent will go around constantly and being afraid of rejection, afraid to be isolated because that's what he's used to. He knows that if I'm not going to please, if I'm not going to fix, if I'm not going to manage from before, and if I'm not going to be the the the the person, the go-to person, I am going to feel lonely. I am going to feel isolated and they actually get an anxiety if they're not needed. Why am I not involved? I'm the go-to guy. Now, on the outside, it looks like that that particular person, let's say that person in the family who is the go-to guy. Every argument, every conflict comes to him and he takes care of it and he arranges it in a time that is not your job. It is absolutely not your job to make your parents feel good. your parents emotions or your uh whoever you're trying to please your wife's emotions is not your job. So if she has burstouts, if there's going to be a price and there's going to be consequences, it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her and she needs to go and fix whatever her problem is. But you take on this job to yourself because in the back of your mind, you are going to be the one who's going to make it work. And that is exhausting and is a lot of work and it takes you in circles and it's not going to help your self-esteem. As a matter of fact, you're working against your grade. It doesn't it makes you feel validated. It makes you feel important at the moment, but in in in life, you are not building your self-esteem. You're actually digging a hole deeper and deeper. The codependent is petrified of saying no. The codependent has a hard time that when someone is uh talking to him, asking for something and usually the codependent gives themselves away. These are the type of people who people take advantage of because they know that if I'm going to call him, he's not going to be able to say no. He's too good of a person. He's too of a too much of a people pleaser. He's too much hates conflict. He hates to stand up for themselves. No, they the person who calls or the person who's reaching out to you knows a whole list of people that you can't call. Can I have your car? Can I borrow your house? Can I do certain things? You will get a no from certain people, but the codependent has a big sign on his head that says, "I'm a codependent and you can take advantage of me." And the codependent is being taken advantage of all the time. So, the codependent has to learn to say no. The codependent has to learn to stand up for themselves. What's right is right and what's wrong is wrong. When there's a time to say yes and there's a time to say no, the codependent is always guilty, feels guilty, feels bad for that person. Now, here's the fine line between codependency and narcissism or codependency with mind manipulators. The codependent is always guilty and they feel they should have, could off, would off these things. is the codependent is in a position of pleasing and it's a disgusting place to be. Codependent hates it. Codependent doesn't like it. But the fact is the codependent is swimming in these waters and the codependent can't get out. Shame is also part of codependent because that comes with low self-esteem because if you would know who you are, you would have no shame. There is nothing wrong with saying no. There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. It's right is right. You have to differentiate between being a people pleaser. You have to differentiate between validation from an outer environment and saying no. The foundation of codependent behavior is needs approval. Needs approval from whom? From everyone. From everyone in every way they can get. They will do anything in the world to be Mr. Nice Guy. to be the guy who trying so hard for a little bit of approval so that person can can validate you that you can feel like you are somebody. And here's where the problem is. Approval never comes. These mind manipulators, these people, the takers in your life, these people don't really care what you did for them. They just smell you and they feel that they can take advantage and they will throw you to the dogs the second they can. So this is what a codependent needs to learn. Seeking approval from whom you will try and try and the sale is not going to go through. You have to understand that fact. Approval you need from yourself. You have to know what's wrong and what's right. And if people are going to leave you, that's fine. They were not supposed to be in your life to begin with. So approval you need from yourself. But if you have that in your mind, you will automatically get good people in your life. You're getting rid of the people who are taking advantage of you and giving you crumbs of approval. But why would you need approval from the other person? Nobody wants to give you approval and don't expect it. The result of codependency is low self-esteem. And here's the problem. Low self-esteem is everything. Low self-esteem will affect everything in your life. And the reason why a codependent sits in a bad relationship and the codependent will think that the codependent has friends and the codependent will think you have family and you're surrounded. There's nothing like it. But it's a lie. Since you have a low self-esteem, you don't know who your friends are, you don't know your family, you don't know your community, you're not okay to understand where you're standing because everything is based on a low self-esteem. You are sitting in a relationship or you have friends who are toxic for you. You have friends that are not good for you and you make decisions to stay in that relationship long enough because you can't crawl out of this idea. It's mindblowing. This is a fear that codependents have. What are you telling me that that that I have to change my circle? You're telling me that you're telling me to change my life 360 degree? I'm going to have too much time on my hands. That is the biggest indication that you need to do it. Because if you if you have too much time on your hands means that you're busy with stuff that's not fulfilling you. The time you need to use, the time that you're going to gain by becoming more self-aware, by building your self-esteem, you need to work on yourself. There is so much to work on yourself that you don't have time. There's not enough hours in the day for self-improvement. There's not enough hours of the day to make sense of what's going on in your life and the people who are involved in your life, who needs to stay and who needs to go, who is bringing you down and who is bringing you up. That you can't say something like that. That I'm going to have too much time. These people are taking up a lot of time. These people are taking your energy. These people are not supposed to be in your life. You need to know your name. You need to know why you get up in the morning. You need to know what what what your mission is in life spiritually and physically and emotionally. One of the questions I got is what effects does codependency have in your life? The effects are as follows. Imagine you have a good intuition. You know inside everything we just discussed. You see yourself in these descriptions that we just discussed. The anger, the stress, the burnout, the lies. What are we doing with those feelings? This is the effects that this has on codependent. You suppress those feelings. you. This makes you feel even smaller than before. Talking about being a loser, it makes you feel as the biggest loser in the world because you know what you're doing is not right and you're doing it anyway. And you get older and older and older. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter the age. But if you're not going to stop it now, what is going to happen? This is going to have an effect on your health, on your mental health. This is going to affect your parenting. It's going to affect your business. And it's going to affect your relationship with your wife. How is it going to affect the business? You don't have a clear head. You will question your own thoughts. You will let people, customers, employees walk all over you. You're in people pleasing mode. You are running around and not being with your feet on the ground. In the meantime, you're a talented person. You have ideas. You have a business. You you you you want to make money. You want to be successful. It doesn't work. If a person has issues that wasn't resolved as a [Music] child from childhood, how do you expect to conduct a business, a business to run 250% and you have these wounds? You're in the middle of pleasing other people. How is that? How can a business be successful like that? It's impossible. Imagine parenting. You just became as a codependent. You cannot be the best parent. It's impossible. You are controlling these kids. You are controlling your wife. It brings out the worst in you. So, as a parent, a codependent will fail. You will try your best. If you're not going to help yourself, you will fail as a parent. Because if you want to do it with a clear mind, you want to be a parent with self-confidence, you need to implement self-confidence into your children. How can you implement self-confidence into your children if you don't have self-confidence? And who is even talking about marriage? Marriage is everything is self-confidence. for a husband who is supposed to be a giver, for a husband who is supposed to be a role model. How is a codependent a role model in a marriage? How is that possible? How can you have a decent relationship with another human being? If you're a codependent and you have fear and you're looking for validation on the outside, what kind of decisions are you making in your own marriage as a codependent? The effects of codependency will make you lose communications. You're not all there. You can't make decisions correctly because in the back of your mind, every decision you make is based on people pleasing. Every decision you make is based on your image. Every decision you make is based on your childhood wounds. These mind manipulators that find the codependence, they understand that a codependent hates conflict. And this is in business as well. If you're in business with a partner who really figured out that you're a codependent and you hate conflict, the conflict is one of the worst things that can happen to a codependent. So, they will lose money just not to have a conflict. They cannot stand up for themselves. and a mind manipulator, a partner, they will take serious advantage of that and they love it. And just even if you're not a partner in business, if you're a person who doesn't like conflict, but it's that doesn't mean that conflict is a good thing, which means that sometimes you have to put your foot down in life. You have to have balance. There are times you have to stand up for yourself and there are times you can let stuff go. But letting go all the time is going to put you out there and you will be slaughtered. The effects that codependency leaves on an individual is you lose your self-worth. You completely lose who you are and you're filled with sadness. It shouldn't be that way. Now, you have to realize something that a narcissist or a mind manipulator will only have power over you if you let them. If you're an uneducated codependent. And that's why it's so important the awareness, the education, because this is kryptonite to the narcissist. You have to become aware of what's going on. Education is number one. You have to evaluate yourself. They say that a life not examined is not worth living. Examine your life. See your patterns. See what is going on. Because the narcissist, the mind manipulators thrive of an uneducated codependent. You have to find your value. It's very important that you have to work on it. It doesn't take one day, but you have to realize who you are. what you bring to the table. You have to talk to yourself. You have to find an a good point in yourself and everyone has them. Gave for every person for every individual plenty of every person adds something to this world and you have to find it. Aman talks about the a lot. How not to judge another person after what we heard here today. How could you? How could you judge a person who is struggling on the street and you call them weak, you cannot judge another person? And says not only do you have to find an everybody including the biggest also has an before you are not in someone else's shoes, you cannot judge another person. But he says also something profound. He says you have to first find ana in yourself. If you find anva in yourself and you build your self-esteem on that nikidva then the rest is history. You are not going to judge another person because you know who you are and you look at yourself and you become a better person. Now you have the coyak to look for and somebody else. So this is the biggest form of suduka. If a person wants to give suduka, give this suduka to yourself first. Look at yourself and have ramas on yourself first. Why are you here to please other people? Why are you here to look for validation on the outside? It's a recipe for disaster. It is something that you will never be able to deposit in the bank. Don't be afraid that you will have too much time. It is a perfect opportunity to take some alone time and study human behavior. Study about yourself. Study about the mind manipulators. Study about narcissism. It is okay to go there. Take precious time and use it to evaluate yourself. And if you need, go look for help on the outside. But time is precious. Life is short. There is no reason to run in a hamster wheel and get nowhere. A codependent's life is a miserable life. Their entire life is based on pleasing others. All they do all day long is they please others and they're looking for validation from the outside. and you are out there as bait for the people who take advantage of other human beings. People ask me what is the solution to all this? First, you have to understand that your mental health comes first. It is not selfish. You come first. It's called self-care. It's called self-preservation. You come first. You have to become aware of your behaviors. You have to become aware of other people's behaviors. Learn to give yourself just like you give to others. Your goal has to be the best parent. Your goal has to be the best father. Your goal has to be the best husband. And realize that if you are a codependent and if you have codependent tendencies, you cannot be the best of the best. You cannot be the best at your job. And this is your goal as a codependent. You have to realize that you cannot be the best husband. You cannot be the best parent and you cannot be the best person and you cannot be the best businessman. So you need to take steps right away. You need to understand how your life is measuring up on the scale of being the best. You strive for the best. And if this is in your way, you go and you fix it. Your job is to recognize patterns. Your job is to know that you lost yourself. You lost your selfrespect. You lost who you are. You became nothing to somebody else. You have to bring yourself back. Bring yourself back into the picture and put yourself first for once. Recognize the emotional triggers. Recognize why am I pleasing? What did that other person tell me that triggered me to become now a people pleaser? Recognize it, name it, and you become aware of it. And you start seeing that if you're going to stand up for yourself, nothing is really going to happen. As a matter of fact, you will find out that these are paper tigers. If you build yourself up to a certain point, they will eventually lose you because you're not there anymore for them. you're not catering for them. And all you have to do is to take the courage and put one foot in front of the other and say no and not take responsibility for what is not yours. Understand that the people you want to impress are not looking at you. your mission that you made for yourself in this life. Understand something that the people you're looking to impress are looking at you as weak. They are not impressed. It's harsh, but you have to realize that in order to move on with your life. I appreciate you listening and I thank you for your time.