The Struggle Podcast EP4 Joe Farkas - Narcissism

never argue with a fool because the fool will bring you down to his level and then the fool will beat you because he is good at it the same as with a narcissist they feel that they can take people and play with them like if they would be toys to play with it doesn't matter if it was 20 years 30 years 40 years you're out to get the codependent to build their self-esteem to a level that they should be narcissistic repellent staying friends with a toxic person is a license disrespect ask yourself why do I deserve this the truth is that everyone can be a narcissist your father can be a narcissist your mother can be a narcissist your sister can be a narcissist your boss can be a narcissist a rabbi can be a narcissist does a narcissist love their own children the answer is [Music] hi everyone my name is Joe farus I am a certified life coach and a narcissistic abuse specialist welcome to the struggle podcast the struggle podcast was created to educate people to bring awareness to bring knowledge and how to navigate life in an easier way what we do on the struggle p podcast is we engage in talks with real people professionals Educators and people who we can learn from and grow from and teach us how to navigate life the topic today is going to be about narcissism narcissism is a huge topic I personally had my fair share of narcissistic relationships I found myself being a people pleaser I found myself looking for validation in all the wrong places I found myself with a very low self-esteem and I decided that I'm going to do something about it I was trying to please I was apologizing and this relationships that I was in one after the other went nowhere so I decided that I'm going to do a lot of work I did a lot of inner work I looked for help I made a lot of research and that's where I learned the term narcissism and I learned the term codependency it came to a point that I came out of it on the other side alive it came to a point that I want to give back so I decided that I'm going to teach people about narcissism and codependency and see maybe I can make a difference anybody who is suffering from narcissistic abuse but I want to share with you a story I call it a horror story I had a personal friend of mine who was a husband who was a father and who was a successful businessman he fell victim to narcissistic abuse happens to be that that narcissist was his own mother his mother was torturing him to the point that he could not deal with it anymore and he used to tell me that nobody in the world could pain him the way his mother pained him and one day he decided to do the unthinkable and he decided that he is going to commit suicide and he was very very painful so I decided that all the work that I am doing I will dedicate in his memory and I will dedicate all the work for the victims who suffer from narcissistic abuse and try to help them and see how they can free themselves from narcissistic abuse the question we have to ask ourselves how much are we willing to tolerate let's start from the beginning where does the word narcissism come from the word narcissism comes from a story in Greek mythology there was once a fellow who walked down the street he saw a reflection of himself in the pool of water and just he was sitting there day and night you could not tear him away people friends and family were asking him to come home but to no success could not get enough of himself and the story ends that he died by the pool of water that's where the name narcissist comes from if you take a good look at the story you notice that this individual who was sitting at the pool of water did not really love himself he loved the image of himself because if he would love himself he would tear himself away from the pool of water and he would go home and eat and move on with his life so to discuss narcissism we have to realize one thing first the created a human being the makes no mistake he created the human being whole and resourceful and unique and exactly the way the person is supposed to be created as well means Choice a person has a choice either to be which means you can choose to be bad or you can choose to be good it's all the person's Choice what he wants to do in order to get into narcissism first we have to name the monster first first we have to know the enemy so we have to understand that in narcissism there is a bunch of levels of narcissism there are people who have just um narcissistic traits there are people on all kinds of levels but the two main levels of a narcissist is overt narcissism and covert narcissism overt narcissism means these are the arrogant people these are the flashy people these are the people who come in with their big mouths and they're belittling everybody and it's disgusting to be around them those people are not dangerous those people give themselves away nobody wants to be in their sight nobody wants to be in a relationship with them they're easy it's easy with them because you can identify them quickly the dangerous one are the covert ones those are the ones who wear masks those are the ones who are major manipulators those are the ones who play with your mind those are the ones who wear wear a mask ask all the time wherever they go and these are the people that we want to discuss today these are very very dangerous and there is a reason why people fall for them and these are the people that we need to expose so the first trait that you have to understand what is a covert narcissist and an overt narcissist is that they have no empathy empathy is huge when it comes to relationships empathy is everything if you are giving in that other person has no empathy it doesn't penetrate they don't understand that you were just being a giver so they can't reciprocate they will say things that will hurt you to the core and they will not even know that this is what they did they will not even notice that they did anything wrong they will sleep fine and they don't even reflect back on what they just did that means no empathy but really what empathy means is putting yourself in another person's shoes feeling another person filtering your mouth filtering your words before you say something and make sure that that other person is not being embarrassed is not being broken into pieces and feels not understood and feels small sympathy is something else sympathy is just Rus sympathy is something that if you see a cat being run over on the road you go like oh neb or in the words of a narcissist will say it sucks but that's about it so sympathy is not really you know that person it's not really you feel that person so first you have to know this a narcissist has no empathy they have the narcissist has a distorted view of the world they don't look at the world the way you do you look at the world as a beautiful place you look at the trees you look at the grass you look at the sky you see the wonders of Hashem wherever you go go you love this world you want to make this world a better place all you wish is for peace and quiet but the narcissist has a distort view they don't look at the world the way you do they look at the world as a fake as a fraud as a phony they hate the trees they hate the grass they hate everything they don't believe in everything so they have a very very dark destructive view of the world now here's what you have to understand right from the GetGo you have to understand the concept of projection let me explain you what projection means there is a businessman who is not an honest person he is a crook when he sits down with you that he wants to do business with you he right away believes that you are a crook too because in his mind in his own reality he believes there is no way under the sun that you can succeed in this world without being a crook so he looks at you as a crook because he is a crook and he it's just a matter of who is going to steal from whom but that's for sure that we cannot be successful without doing a shady business the same is the other way around if a person is an honest person and sometimes he sits down at a table and he wants to do business with somebody and he's like okay let's do it on a handshake or why would that person rip me off when I have no I don't want to rip him off so you're projecting the honest person is doing the same thing as the crook he is projecting that the other person would not steal from him because why would he steal from me I don't want to steal from him so this is called projection so in a narcissistic relationship if the narcissist is looking at the world as a dark place as a place which is a war zone why would he enter a relationship thinking that you are looking at this world with a lovely point of view he thinks that you looking at the world the same way he is looking at the world world it's a war it's just a matter of who is going to pull it over the other person that's a distorted view of the world that a narcissist has the reason why the narcissist has this distorted view of the world is because that child as a young child or as an adolescent decided and made a choice to use a defense mechanism to the pain and the suffering that this child is going through which means like this if a child was neglected at home if a child was abused at home if a child was never validated at home which means there was nobody home the parents were not there neglect is abused 250% what that means is that if a child was sexually abused and the child did not have an close enough relationship with the parents to go over to the parents and tell them their side of the story the child knew that there is no space for talk like that they knew that they would be blamed for what happened or if that child needed help in the house and what if that child brought home a test uh to the parents and the parents never validated the child or the parents never helped the child there's a lot of reasons unfortunately why a child would decide to make a choice and shut their feelings off what does that mean shutting their feelings off means that they put up a fortress this is a defense mechanism that they would use not to feel anymore and that is very very dangerous let me explain how that works there is a valve that carries the emotional feelings of the joy in the pain of a human being just like if someone has a leak in the house and and they call a plumber to come fix the leak in the house the first thing the plumber does is the plumber comes into the house and he goes and he shuts off the main valve first there is no Leakes there's no water coming from anywhere then he goes around the house and tries to find where the leak is and when he finds the leak he fixes it and then he opens the the valve back up what the defense mechanism that the narcissist uses is they shut the main Val off of emotions and they never turn it back on which means that the pain and the suffering of how to deal with their situation what is going on in their lives is that the easy way the cap out is to shut their feelings off but here's where it becomes dangerous that valve that is shut off completely that shuts off the pain person does not feel any more pain but there also don't feel any more joy with that valve being shut off that narcissist that person can never be hurt again so if that person is looking for validation if that person is being hurt he doesn't feel it all he does is he walks and he steps on other people is because his valve was shut off completely and now the person has a huge void he has a huge hole that he needs to fill because he is not getting anything now that person has a huge void a huge void for Supply a huge void that needs to be filled and it becomes like a bottomless pit he is practically dead he could be at a young age and still walk the streets but it's like the dead man walking here's what happens The Narcissist still need Supply that's what that's we call it in the business narcissistic Supply because he the person was not created to just be dead the person needs to live the person needs to come and go and move around the the person needs to live and you can't live like that so they get narcissistic Supply what is narcissistic Supply narcissistic Supply gives them a feel of being in control narcissistic Supply gives them a feel of power Godlike power they feel that they can take people and play with them like if they would be toys to play play with the narcissist will move on with his life The Narcissist will get married The Narcissist will go through all the emotions but really it's only on the outside on the inside there is no emotions The Narcissist will use kids for extensions The Narcissist will use kids for narcissistic Supply they extensions of the narcissist they are feeding a certain image if the children feed a certain image they do their job if they don't feed a certain image the kids will be neglected and this is where it gets even more complicated there are children in a narcissistic household that are being neglected and there are also children in the narcissistic household that are being The Golden Child Now The Golden Child means that that child can do no wrong that child makes a decision in the house that child gets more attention than any other child but here's the problem that you have to realize also that that Golden Child is in extreme pain as well you would think that the golden child has it made the other children are very jealous at The Golden Child but in reality The Golden Child has to do a lot of work it just happens to be that The Golden Child figured out a way of how to please the parent and The Golden Child does a lot of work the golden child has a huge burden of how to please the parent and The Golden Child was trained to know that if you do one move that is not going to be what a parent want then The Golden Child will get kicked out also so The Golden Child doesn't have it easy and the neglected child doesn't have it easy it's a very complicated subject these narcissists are roaming the streets they're like vampires and Suits they go around like regular people you cannot recognize them another trait of narcissistic abuse is they triy on other people's pain the only thing that makes them feel powerful is when they gives them these Superior feelings and you have to understand that a narcissist is now hungry for narcissistic Supply a narcissist will get married a narcissist will have children does a narcissist love their own children the answer is no The Narcissist does not love a narcissistic mother will not love her own children not only that it goes even deeper than that the narcissistic mother or the narcissistic father will pin children against each other they love this game they sit back and they look at the world like a game some of the kids will be neglected some will become The Golden Child and the the the neglected children are now jealous at The Golden Child and you would think that the golden child has it made The Golden Child is the one who makes all the decisions The Golden Child who stays up longer and talks with the mom and The Golden Child is always going out with the mom shopping but the reality is that The Golden Child is working very hard to stay The Golden Child it's just that the Golden Child understood how the dynamic between the parents and The Golden Child is supposed to be so they have a job they have a very hard job to make sure that they don't lose their position as The Golden Child there's no picnic not for the neglected children and not for The Golden Child another trait that you have to realize about narcissism is that The Narcissist itself is not crazy this is a mistake that people will sometimes say that they're involved with a narcissist and he is crazy this is not crazy crazy is not the word to use they are very very calculated they are very smart they're very intelligent they're very articulate and they're very seductive a narcissist knows exactly what they're doing every move more than the regular average person is calculated everything they wear is calculated they don't just wear things that they find on the in the closet everything has a plan everything has a rhyme and a reason another very important thing to understand how the narcissist views the partners and the people around him they view their partners and the people around them as appliances I'm going to explain it to you if you have a wash machine in the house for 20 years the wash machine was doing the laundry for you and he does did the machine every day the machine did his job one day the wash machine stopped working what do you do you take it out to the curbside you call the garbage people and you take it away the in with the new out with the old new machine works everything is fine do you think that for one second that person sits down at the kitchen table and and and thinks to themselves this wash machine for 20 years this wash machine did work for me it's unbelievable do you think this is happening absolutely not we don't have relationships with B with appliances we use the appliances but we don't have relationships with the appliances as soon as the appliance stops working it's out it doesn't matter if it was 20 years 30 years 40 years you're out as long as you didn't do you're not doing your job that you're supposed to you are out and this is exactly the way the narcissist looks at any relationship in their lives you are an appliance you are a machine you are here to serve me you are no longer serving me you are out and this is what the the victim the codependent has to realize how the narcissist is looking at this relationship the narcissist is mimicking Society because they understand they're very dark they're very miserable they are the most miserable creatures walking the face of the Earth and but they have to survive so what they do is they are acting it's very easy for them because it comes very easy for them they are never removing that mask very very seldom you can see the real side of a narcissist they are used to this from a very young age to just stop to just be an actor they are probably as good as the actors in Hollywood Class A actors they're always on a stage another trait of a narcissist is that they are not religious in any way shape or form it doesn't matter what they wear it doesn't matter what they eat it doesn't matter what they practice but in their mind it is impossible for them religion and narcissism does not go together because religion is a relationship religion is something that you have to be humble you have to be grateful it's a whole different mindset so when even when you see that people are practicing religion does not mean that they are good people and clothing and food and culture does not mean anything don't trust your eyes and that's what I'm trying to explain you these are actors in costumes these are actors in clothing and you can't really fall for them another trait that the narcissist has that you you must understand in relationships is they keep a database they let you be vulnerable they will give you crumbs they will blow hot and cold but what they do is they let you open up and when you open up when you give away all your secrets all your intimate uh emotions and feelings and dreams and visions that you have all there is left is a stranger with your dreams you have to be very very very careful with this because these people will use it against you a narcissist will use it against you and you have to be very very careful because these narcissists will use it against you again they have no feelings they have no emotions they have no backbone and they will use it against you the narcissist is a jealous person he is envious he is envious of the victim's peace he's envious he's envious of the victim's love he's envious of the growing part that the victim has he's envious of the part that the victim wants to live and has a future and wants to grow and another observation about narcissism which is very easy to spot I speak to codependents from all over the world every narcissist is the same and that is a good thing because it is easy to spot they all have the same walk the same talk the same arguments it is very it looks like they all went to the same school But realize this that you are not wrong realize that something is off if you feel if your God feeling tells you that something is off don't push it away listen to your God they have their ways of blowing hot and cold listen to your God because when you are planning to leave or you're planning to get out of abusive relationships they come right back and they are very very shrewd very very sharp very very smart they will use anything to not keep you going they will use every tool in the book if it's a religion if it's uh sex any tool in the book to get you to stay and they give you these crumbs they give you like they play the cat and mouse game they blow hot and cold just to keep you from leaving and here's the sad part when the victim when the codependent gets those little crumbs they that they were waiting for so long It Feels Like Heaven on Earth it feels like a drug it's almost impossible to leave it is so hard and if you decide to leave and you're not strong enough you're just take putting one step out of the door the pain and the punishment that is going to come after or when you decide to leave it is almost withdrawal symptoms it they they compare it to if somebody who wants to get off a drug that that's how much the trauma the trauma bonding that you have the victim has from the abuse and he so used to it that the victim cannot tear themselves away from this relationship another thing that you have to realize about narcissism is the narcissist is never lonely the victim is afraid of leaving because of false loneliness the victim is thinking to themselves how come the narcissist is not lonely don't the narcissist The Narcissist doesn't want to have a relationship how come he's not lonely I'll be so lonely but the truth is that the narcissist is never lonely The Narcissist from day one never was was NE from day one was never looking for a relationship The Narcissist doesn't know what the word relationship means they have no idea what that means so for them to go in and out of a relationship is easy they don't feel anything they don't see you as a individual they don't don't see you as a future they don't see you as a person who wants to have relationships with it means nothing to them nothing means anything to them a narcissist has no Nostalgia a narcissist has no dream a narcissist has no vision the entire life of a narcissist has no meaning another trait for narcissistic abuse is that the world was created for them and for them only every store every business every everything that a person does is made for them they are entitled to free desserts at restaurants they're entitled to go into Amusement Parts with free tickets they are entitled to everything everything is made for them and if someone Services them oh my they make sure that you don't make money on them because you are here for them and to serve them completely it is bizarre The Narcissist will use all kinds of Mind Games and manipulations to them this is fun this is a joke to play with other people to play with other people's minds they are the biggest and the most Master manipulators out there there everything is a joke to them when you cry they will laugh inside they will laugh inside this is a game this is a Pastime for them they get up every morning and they think to the themselves who can I play today and if they lose someone they move on to the next one very easy without a problem the advice is to leave the game don't play that game you know how they say never argue with a fool because you will the fool will bring you down to his level and then the fool will beat you because he is good at it the same as with a narcissist don't play this game because if you're not a narcissist you will lose this game get out of this game now let's talk a little bit about the codependent the codependent has to realize one thing somewhere somehow in the child's life of a codependent they lost their self-esteem the codependent was wired different the codependent is the feeler the codependent who always says it's not fear the codependent is a person with emotions that wants to live the codependent wants to be in peace the codependent is the Grateful one the codependent is the positive one what we have to realize first is one thing we are yeden we are Jewish and we have to realize that we cannot be half pregnant we know that there is no such a thing as half pregnant if you are a if you are Jewish you have to live with the concept of means I am your God me and only me and I do everything all the time you have to realize that sent you down to this world with you have a part of yourself in the created you whole and resourceful and unique and beautiful exactly the way you are and you bring something to the table you add something in this world because because you were not born by mistake you came down to this world for a mission you have to realize that you are enough you are a human being you have needs you have emotions and this world is a world of self-improvement this world is a world of growing this world is a world of giving and this should be the mission every day to ask yourself how can I be better than yesterday it's all about growing and giving and you don't have to change for No One you surely don't need to rely on another person's validation what that other person thinks about you is not important with that person has his own mission in his life and he has his own problems and he's he's not looking at you that person has his own mission in life to make himself a better person and if there is another person who is judging you and if there is another person that is intimidating you then that person has a problem not you so to understand that in the Journey of the codependent of the codependent life somehow the codependent love tank was empty so the codependent has a huge void to fill and this is where the kicker is this is where you have to understand about the sh between the codependent and the narcissist and this is Mo very very important and it's it's the most important part is to understand yourself the most important part is to understand the codependent because the narcissist will never change we just have to know the narcissist because we have to name the monster and we have to know our enemy and in order to understand the attraction from the codependent to The Narcissist then we have to really delve into deep into what narcissism is but the really the mission is not to change the narcissist the really the mission is to change the codependent the really is to get the codependent to build their self-esteem to a level that they should be narcissistic repellent which means that a narcissist should not even be attracted to you and you shouldn't be attracted to the narcissist the codependent happens to be has very little self-love the codependent happens to be has very little self-respect the codependent has very poor boundaries so it turns out that it is the same coin just on a different side and this is what you have to realize both the narcissist and the codependent have a huge void to fill their Loft tanks on both sides is empty and the codependent is used to abuse the codependent is used to neglect the codependent is in a comfort zone and is unconsciously looking for the love in the wrong places the code inde dependent will constantly look for a narcissist to fill his void and the narcissist on the other hand this is a match made in hell because the narcissist on the other hand has a huge void as well and the narcissist needs narcissistic Supply now here's here's where it gets even more complicated the narcissist is not attracted to a healthy person The Narcissist will never approach a person who has a healthy self-esteem and a healthy person person would never come close to a narcissist I always say this when there is a gathering in a social hall and there are 200 people in that Hall in that Hall there is a narcissist at the other end of the of the hall and there is a codependent on the other end of the Hole by the end of the night the two of them are going to meet they both passed by 200 people and none of them were attracted to each other but at the end of the night you will see the two of them engaging why is that because they give off a certain energy the codependent gives off a certain energy that the narcissist understands and the narcissist gives off a certain energy that the codependent on understand and this can happen unconsciously but it happens again and again I know a lot of codependents who got divorced and came out of bloody from a narcissistic um from a narcissistic relationship and they went right back in the second one they married is a narcissist again what I'm trying to explain you is that how important it is for the codependent to find themselves understand what codependency is the education and the winners that you have about narcissism and codependency is half of the solution is half of the solution what you have to realize is that the codependent the codependent has to realize that the narcissist will never change and when I'm saying never I mean never you have to go no cont completely as much as it hurts the codependent will be giving giving and giving and get nothing in return but punishment and silent treatment silent treatment is probably one of the harshest and the worst and the most immature inhumane punishment that another person can use on another human being The Narcissist will not text you back the narcissist will not communicate with you they can hold a text for four weeks or six weeks and when they decide that they want to talk they will text you back and they will continue the conversation where where they left off six weeks ago it's bizarre but they have no feelings they have no emotions and the codependent is sitting there for months scratching their head of what is going on in this relationship and the worst part of a codependent is that after all this abuse after they God feeling their intuition tells them how bad the situation is guess what the codependent will apologize and the codependent will come back and apologize a hundred times and the narcissist will become the victim the The Narcissist will turn the tables and you would think to yourself can't imagine I was bothering this person for six weeks speaks the codependent will come back and apologize to this person a hundred times the codependent must learn this you have to choose your pain you can't be afraid of being lonely you can't be afraid of all the other things that is running through your mind abuse has no place in the relationship there is not one person that should suffer one day from narcissistic abuse the codependent must understand that there's false belief false fear of being lonely of being alone or shame you have to let go of this relationship you have an obligation to find yourself you have an obligation to know what you bring to the table realize that this chaos that is going on in your life has nothing to do with you and everything to do with a narcissist filling the void that the Cod codependent has will only come from growing from giving and finding your passion that will bring back your Everlasting joy and only that will build up your self-esteem and your self-confidence the codependent has to realize there is a concept called no contact no contact means no contact no contact means that you have to forget that this relationship ever existed forget that this relationship ever existed and the reason why no contact is so hard because you're not educated about the narcissist as soon as you know how the narcissist thinks and how a narcissist can never change then no contact becomes easier because that person is practically dead that person will never come back that person was never supposed to be in your life and it will never improve your life so no contact is very very crucial to move on with your life and to build your own self-esteem to stay a friend you have to understand the Beast and the Beast will never change now here's something that you have to realize people ask me all the time who can be a narcissist the truth is that everyone can be a narcissist your father can be a narcissist your mother can be a narcissist your sister can be a narcissist your boss can be a narcissist a rabbi can be a narcissist everyone can be a narcissist now it does not matter because what happens is that they are masked we cannot identify him on the outside as soon as you get to know the person you know about this C you have to understand that a concept like this exists that's when you can identify the narcissist no contact is so important no contact will bring you back from victim to Hero if to realize one thing it says this is your NE this is your soul this is most important this says you come first nothing different than when you're on the plane and they tell you that you should put on the mask before you help your neighbor or you help your children why why can't you just help your children first because you in order for you to help in order for you to help you have to be okay first I heard a she from YY Jacobs and he was talking about kib and he would saying means that it has to be a a it has to be an M first the person the father has to be a father that you should have the opportunity to be able to be the father means that first the a has to have obligation to be an A and the m has an obligation to be an m so you give an opportunity for the children to do but there's abuse you notice that you can't grow and that person is actually doing the opposite of bringing you up if you notice yourself that you're being brought down then you have a problem that's not called K and absolutely do not stay friends with the narcissist I get this question a lot people are asking me okay we're not going to be in the relationship but we can stay friends from afar no such a thing staying friends with a toxic person is a license for disrespect this is not healthy for you not physically and not emotionally you have to get out you have to understand that you were never a friend a narcissist has no friends this is not the anatomy of a narcissist a narcissist has fans a narcissist has admirers a narcissist has worshippers they are not looking for friends they are testing everybody in they're getting away with murder no contact is the only way to go a codependent must understand that this is their comfort zone they were used to pain all their life they were used to not being heard and not being validated and this is their comfort zone in a Twisted way the codependent likes pain more than they like healthy relationships the lesson for today is for the codependent to understand that you are are not alone you are not wrong and the feelings are right something is telling you that something is wrong if you have a feeling and if you have an intuition that something is wrong believe your God understand that no is not a dirty word you can say it ask yourself why do I deserve this why do I deserve this evaluate yourself understand why are you still sitting there and taking this for what you have to accept the fact that the narcissist will never change you have to realize that you are living a lie you have to realize that narcissistic Love Is A Lie it doesn't exist it's sad and it's painful but it doesn't exist I always get the question from codependence if if they should forgive the narcissist I always say the only person you have to forgive is yourself the only person you have to forgive is yourself for falling for a narcissist you have to forgive yourself for losing your self-esteem you have to forgive yourself for falling for the bait the only person you have to forgive is yourself and forgive yourself for staying that long forgive yourself for not making good choices name the monster knowledge is power learn about this subject get educated about the subject the only person you need to depend on is Theon shal the only person you need valid valtion from is from yourself and of course all of this is not possible without and without you have to believe that the is there with you the loves you and if you need to you talk to the take a few minutes of the day and ask the for new perception as the for as the your own language to help you through this battle thank the for where you got till now thank the be grateful for the for the good things that's happening in your life as the for confidence ask sh for peace of mind and ask for self-respect I appreciate you listening and I want to thank you for your time