The Struggle Podcast EP2 - Rabbi Shloime Ehrlich #mentalhealth #marriage #divorce #therapy #podcast

never help your sister or your brother take away the kids from their spouse never tell them I'll support you you got married you had the kids now you deal with it we do everything for our kids and and and suddenly the man stops giving child support to your own kids right and she stops giving visitation people are asking the it has to stop is he going to unleash a tsunami of of abuse petrified over there because they know they're never going to get a get but once I embrace the pain and I make it I'm going to be free for the rest of [Music] life okay we have here K today his name is is the executive director of the founder of this is for people who um are divorced people he's helping people get to get through the divorce process or after the divorce he's giving them support and um and he tries to help out people he also uh has an organization that helps people with Blended families that means after their divorce they get married and there's children stepchildren so this a it's a huge topic and it's a it's a very big um tough process how people to understand how to go about about it and how to live their life to the fullest on top of everything you also help teenagers you help people uh who have troubl teens who so-called go off the and and these type of things along those lines so so you have your handsful yes thank God so so if if you want to share with us what Drew you into this business into this Asun this this this holy work it it all starts my life my story uh my life is my story I was born and raised in bar Park in a very uh very happy home I would say regular home great parents love my parents a lot of siblings uh life was happy gol lucky more or less till I got married uh I did style you know which is an arranged marriage arranged marriage marriage from Friday night to Mo sh there was less than that okay it was inter and we went to yeah and we met for like a half an hour and met one more time and then the was on the table already that kind of and Hashem wanted me to go through a very very very painful painful and turbulent marriage to say the least how long did that last uh way too long six years six and a half years and we had three children together and I know people the first question they go so why do they have more kids yeah but that that answer is not going to come on the mic but that's that's life and things like that it's also people want to give it a chance and people sometimes think that things are going to get better or they think that a child will bring it will bring it together you know I mean by Nature I was born a thinker I am a thinker I always was I always needed to know things why what when and where I'm a very I have like a my wife always says I have a like a like a black hole like a vacuum for information always craving for more and that's why I came out this podcast because I saw some of your stuff and I was excited to see someone that's interested in the world not just a shallow podast because I'm being asked a weekly basis uh to come and speak because I've been on many podcasts and was a big success but I I I like to talk to other thinkers that that's so going through so much pain and going through so much therapy and help with my ex and stuff and then after the divorce and then remarriage it's it it brought me to a lot of places so you had a lot of experience yourself you did not read this in a book you went through this yourself exactly exactly then then I went professionally I went to school for three years and I and I but I think and going through the dating a remarriage to uh a woman which is my wife now most awesome lady in the world shout out to her from Canada from Toronto she had three kids and uh at the beginning I was thinking why should I take a woman with three kids my my children are out of town I'm not seeing them anyway but then I just you know but uh basically a good friend of mine knew knew me his wife knew her and we we dated dated when I met her the first time which was our first date was like five hours I realized uh this woman could have 25 kids she's for me it's not about how many kids you have if a capable woman number one and then she's the woman that you're looking for that's going to bring out your best you can bring out her best more children less children all these side things and I'm thanking AEM till today that I was smart enough at the time as was 28 to know that I need a woman it's not and three beautiful kids all three are married one of them is getting married now the third one they're all doing great and uh after we got married while were dating actually we got married my wife was always saying we were both like was like a jinx she was saying one day when we're going to get married we're going to help and we're going to look back uh helping our brothers and sisters are going through divorce through the same the painful process and and that's what we did and my wife's fluent writer she's so she wrote many articles in the pen name and one day there was an article from Sister to Sister no exist divorced women and my wife wrote back a response and and since then she's involved and Sister Sister you know ever since it's like aini and both are doing right A Different yeah yeah I I speak at sister sister shaton it's going to be one a couple of weeks now we speak there again for so and a few years later you know we started uh two of my friends came over to me and said that they they went through the divorce they said we want to open up like sister sister for the men we'll call it Brothers on the way like the v a journey and and I was so excited I said yes this this is what I want to do so we it was four of us me and three other guys we opened it up very painful organization because the pain is to see how many normal healthy inat that are out there uh that are being judged and um maybe even ostracized or stigmatized is still so I think the very fact that we have this organization I think it's running already 12 or 13 years um it it went down the stigma it's like it's not you're not alone normalizes it a little bit Yeah normalizes it there's always at least 500 inot there I was there two weeks ago we were there for shabbaton we make shabbaton I was there for the whole shabas my wife over 100 inot came this there's over 500 these are people that speak idish yeah yeah have some come you know but the women it's it's it catch me all because it's in English and we late it doesn't doesn't work it's really organ amazing amazing organization yes makes a big difference now what I want to do is I want to go back to the beginning okay before even the any problems start I want to understand first about let's touch on this on the lessons or the kala lessons that the problem is we're going to talk about divorce we're going to talk there's a lot to talk about but first I want to understand is there a what's the what's the problem with the with the foundation is a person you two young couples two young people are getting married do they understand the foundation of what marriage is all about what is my role in the marriage what's my mission in this marriage you know the world is divided in givers and takers but young people they they start life and they both go for you know the education what's your opinion about the education is it something missing to build a solid foundation before it even starts what we're going to get into amazing question I'm very happy asking because it's burning in me to bring out to the world this this this subject but can we pause it for a second and go to One Step even before that how the happens in the first place correct so I have a very good friend his name Isam Xin uh a fellow therapist in and both of us are second marriage and helping and and we decided we opened up a program it's called K okay K means uh it's an educational program we gave it out we have a website for parents for the people that still want to do the way it was done with shows instead of dates and and on a for we gave them a formula an ingredients a system how to look for a how to know what each child is looking for and this is for the parents for the parents so we're educating the parents on how to do and it's like 6 to eight hours class and it's amazing stuff information very pushy it'll let you think they're saying the Baba is leaving to to Europe tomorrow you have to finish guil tripping you the guil tripping you and and all those stuff who do you think you are and you're balava and this they push you left right center it's all a business everybody's doing their job and in the meantime people are getting but but they're just oldfashioned and and and not realizing that this is this is the biggest decision in a person's life is a so by the where the parents are the ones that do the 90% of the is based on information and 10% if there is is on the show right we're trying to push the folder a little bit it should be it could be 90% on information but should be much more percentage on the actual the boy meeting the girl right so we we do a lot of education on that and that that's that's an amazing program we need to do more about it and and we the response is amazing it's it's quite a new that we start it but I noticed that when it comes to dating because I speak to a lot of people also and they tell me that everybody's on the best behavior when it comes to a date so that means a person can go out for three to six months and they're not the same person the soon as you come home you start see you know you come home with liar instead of with you right yeah yeah there's a lot of louons and but I I I think that there's a system over there as well which I me and my wife are doing now we're both doing dating coaching for remarriage and constantly have a few a week literally I see the men while I see the women and and we I mean they could have a different dating go doesn't have to be us as a couple and we know how to ask questions of how the they go did you discuss we have a whole list of conversations they should have right uh we are the ones that are sensing if there's some question marks or red flags a question mark is something that I wonder why she said this and he said this and why you felt that way in other words we'll get to the to the bottom maybe meet one more time two more times and we'll get to the bottom of it the qu red flag is something that we can't we can't get to the bottom it's like a red flag there's something going on over here we need to make a decision do I want to live with this or not right I and and we teach them how by dating it's all about values sharing values rather than sharing excitements and and U and and and liking the same the same movies you know oh wow you like chocolate I also like chocolate yeah you know that's nice to have a lot of things that are in common quite attractive but even more a marriage has to be based on sharing the same values so if the values are shared which I call the glue on the marriage anything else can be worked on if they have good Ms of the right but the main thing is the values are there going to be people that it's not 100% foolproof it's not but it's definitely there's a if you follow a system just like investing in real estate and other stuff this you know you followed you did the right thing and if it didn't work out you don't get turned off you go again and what are you going to do but if you didn't do the the the the due diligence and the real process and doing it the right way then then you're going to have a fear of doing it again because you're not going to trust yourself correct many women don't want to get remarried because they don't trust them themselves or they don't trust that there is a Formula out there to help someone do the max they can to make sure they're marrying the right guy again how much do you think is spirituality if let's say a b or a girl has no idea they have no relationship with and they're coming in not with b and not with uh you know with believing that it's meant to be when you're already I'm talking now you talking before the engagement I'm talking let's say they're engaged and with the classes and everything but they don't get the part of I'm not owed anything everything is a gift and I'm going to make it what you you know what I'm saying it's it's how much is missing from that part of the education so there's the that we understand that before gets married but there's life that they they don't know what their role in marriages young people it is confusing the only role marriage they have is the parents so some of them have a few older siblings and some people have very bad uh Impressions you know of what marriage is all about is all about yeah and some want what they want they're all they all they they come in to serve themselves so if they come in to serve themselves is you're just what can I get out of it right and you come into it's the outlook on marriage so again if someone comes to me there I I think they get I know they got a very good education not only the that's the smallest part it's very quick it's much more you give lessons too oh you you learn with too but but mainly with working boys or usually but give me a gist of what the what the foundation of what you tell a a boy What is marriage all about okay beautiful I I I the way I see uh the is the way we see marriage is that everything that's on this world is is is an example for us how to relate to hasem to God Almighty how do we connect to hhm if we if I would have a needs if I wouldn't have certain needs or once I wouldn't know to use it towards Hashem in other words if I if I realize that I need a partner I need to be connected it's a give and take and then you tell me God wants with you the same wants with you the same relationship then I know how it looks like so everything all our needs talk about sign mid is the seven tra that every human has and the whole folder of which includes love as and and as mercy and empathy and all these things that's under the the category of and then meaning you have to know when to say no you need to constraint and and fear and and so we have all those Z medic us this the seven traits and then the way weuse use it on this world we're able to connect him he could have created us with two more or two less and whatever we have if we wouldn't have fear in this world we have a fear God we wouldn't love on this world we wouldn't love God so whatever we have the tools we're able to use in this world to enjoy it and and and and again also to connect to so I the way I see it is a marriage is is the greatest opportunity for avoid if you know how to do that you know how what your other needs the someone opposite than you the opposite gender needs and you know how to give it and you realize it's all about sharing and giving then when it comes to your relationship with hm is also the same thing I'll tell a quick story which is probably contral to people that are not very the the we all know he one say quick one in night he didn't come out to waiting waiting the whole is waiting with and finally comes out with a red face and he runs up to the he opens up and starts saying I'm speaking to you on behalf of the whole Community it's y for tonight yes we all sinned we did have vus and we did the but who made all the Almas who made all the who made all the people sick you did you forgive us we'll forgive you and he closed in went back to DAV and of course after dav's a big lineup asking rebba what do that he said I saw in sh sadik able to see that this year there's a lot of Gaz sh whatever it doesn't doesn't doesn't it looks bleak it doesn't look too good and I realized that there's no other way to connect hm other than the real way we connect in this world he says can you imagine if you're not able to tell your spouse something that bothers you about them they you're not close right so I went up to said course of the day say everything they want after your marriage wait for the right time to say something so that's the way we see marriage marriage is a relationship a very deep meaningful relationship where a man realizes that he cannot have a success uccessful happy life without a wife and she realized she can't have without him it does not mean that she can't live without him or he cannot live without her you don't want to marry to someone that can't live alone that doesn't want to that's great yeah I'm married because I want to be married and I I believe in the in the unit the unit the unit unit and unity of marriage and and that's the best thing for me and the best thing for my wife but I could live without her because otherwise it becomes codependency right and that's unhealthy so we need very independent people getting married to each other by choice realizing that this of course this will be a lot of good that's what I need and then the man has more of a need to give than the woman they both need to give and take but hasem created us just like our physical body we are givers and the woman is a taker we are it's like the Mas Mak so we are what don't we Masia we're not Masia we're not their boss we're not controlling him we're not beling the opposite we're providers providers an mainly an emotional support you see till 200 years ago till there was electricity in the world Industrial Revolution before let's let's assume how marriage looked like so the guy whatever person left in the morning the house he went out or he was a hunter or farmer and he went out in the field and the wife didn't see him the whole day she took care of the chickens and she maybe had some neighbors and then she waited for him the whole day to come home with she prepared him a beautiful supper he couldn't wait to come home and and give her a h and and whatever and what did he bring home he brought home security the big strong man alpha male came home she knew she's safe number two he brought him the news because he was out he brought him money he brought him everything and he also brought him emotional support once the electricity came into the world and women went out to work in the sewing machines and the News print came out and then there was democracy there there's police officers so what's left for us so it seems like there's nothing left but really I think Hashem took everything away because that was just distraction the the real thing is still here and here B in big way emal support the emotional support so if a woman feels that my husband is in tune in my life he's in tune in my feelings he really he I'm like everything to him she's very happy in that way he's a giver right and they're taker doesn't mean that she cannot support herself it doesn't mean that she cannot go out and work and she's less the opposite the need so the man gets married because he wants to give he wants to care for we have such a need to give healthy man is like once I spoke to somebody once and he said that uh he was in jail and he says the hardest part for him to be in jail is not to be needed wow he said that that was the hardest part but forget about all the other hardships but just to know that he doesn't have to pay the bills and everything is going without him and he's not every minute getting a phone call I need I need I need do a person is a a man needs that right right so this is need just and and a boy when he gets married our boys that are 18 20 whatever 25 years olds they if until they didn't develop that part in themselves yet so in the beginning of marriage takes time to switch from teenage which is a taker TTI buy me take me paying the tuition but eventually year or two after they married they they become a real provider so education and awareness of what marriage is all about is very crucial absolutely because you see so many people who are going these divorces that you see is it div I mean sometimes it's nothing and sometimes it's severe do you see sometimes that little Nish they could have been prevented a divorce do you see that no I disagree with that I know I know many people that that say that most many divorces could have been saved I think it's true Li when the day comes that they decide that they want to divorce there's a legitimate reason for it yes people don't know people are I I have people in my office constantly I just had a couple that got divorced a few months ago very very fresh couple and and and the other side with sadik him they were righteous people they didn't want to share with the world things about her and I knew it it was it was in my office and I was involved with the psychologist and everything and for them the payback for them being so nice and not being to wanting to hurt the other side they went around saying the divorce have for nothing and the mother wanted the boy never wanted the divorce and and they're still keeping their mouth shut I've seen many such cases I would say I don't I don't know exact number I would say maybe one or two per of divorces it could have been prevented nobody likes to divorce no it's the last result it's the last result it's very painful people say it's a disposable generation people that say that are not in this field right I'm I'm dealing with this daily I do marriage counseling every day and we're in this and I'm involved in all the organizations we interview them it's it I I I I I'm happy asking because I really wanted to go on on yeah yeah and let's walk through the the first steps let's when a couple um somehow there's a rift between them there something is happening it's it's starting to boil something the first thing what they do is I mean in the H community and maybe in the other community also whatever is they go to the local roof yeah that's the first step let's go to the roof the first problem that's the first problem that's what I was trying to get to because sometimes you go to this roof let's say the husband DS with this roof in the shield and he a relationship with him right first of all who says this roof is competent even to even touch the subject this number one but number two he's looking at it like how he would handle his own daughter or his own son and he gives ideas and things he's making more damage than than than good right so the first step that that every parent would tell the CH let's go to the roof let's go to the roof sometimes the roof knows I mean he's been around the corner long enough or he went through his own and he refers people to professionals and stuff like that but what do you think about this this this uh concept of I think it's not only divorce anything else we Asam the local roof buam uh people that are very great B that turned into good Learners and they got a they became a beautiful it's amazing they have a good they're good analyzers they're very smart but there's something that does that that that's smarter than smart is experience right and if they don't have experience in this particular field you know I have it all the time there certain things that I say this I know this I don't know although I have think of ideas I say I don't have experience in that so go to this you refer to something refer to someone else so I I think our community became uh people are asking it has to stop it's it's it's just nonsense itn't horor stories's when it comes to which is one of my strong things that I want to get out there a lot of and girls are very innocent and they want to do the good we want to be good we say good information you know deep inside is something so you'll ask ask that knows inside out right it it doesn't necessarily mean just because a and knows so every that's in comes into that parents have images that they want to upheld and they make for themselves it's it's it's like you know it's hard to blame it's not about blaming parents not about blaming but these are issues that need to be discussed yes yes and there are podcast like this going to help CLA this is yeah this is this is not small this is not small issues that people have I would say a huge chunk I I used to say 60% but it's probably a little less by now uh from my own case studies meaning from the few hundred people that are know that are divorce that went through my office that I know up front I would say a huge percentage over 50% in the is where the sh shouldn't have been in the first place the cause for divorce is the sh shouldn't have been in the first place but there's a small percentage the problems small percentage health issues small percentage change after marriage there's a small percentage of everything else the majority it's it's very sad that this is the case and it's still happening as because the decisions are made for for side interest for yeah they don't know their kids we don't know our children they don't even yeah because the children didn't share with the parents they don't what they really like or what they really want or what they I'm dealing with boys I was just on a few weeks ago I'm going again next week There's a big organization called organization that takes the American and instead they should waste their time so we make for them shabbaton and events and we talk about life and and they bring me in and I'm sitting with these boys over 150 B throughout extended weekend and they can ask me anything about marriage and life and and I would say the majority of this them are very nervous and trusting their parents and because because they have no relationship no relationship they don't even know and the generation changeed so much our parents to us they're aliens in in most parents are aliens in their children's life so I tell them how to talk to their parents and sit down with them and say tati I want to tell you exactly what I need I know that this was a value to you this is not a value to me this is not a value to you this is a value to me and I want you to understand if you want to find m a lot of book I'm very nervous to there's a lot of divorces and they want what's right so so what do you recommend they should sit down with the par yes ask them for an appointment I say not by the way while your father's eating CH no it's not going to work right right say t or mommy or both we have something to say have something to say I want to share with you I want to thank you all your life taking care of me and everything I I had to sandwich it and say I want you to understand that I want my wife to wear a plain shid n pitz whatever it is or the opposite and and they have to and then the parents but these children they know the they know the resistance that's going to come they know the price some will pay a price for this true you know there's a possibility that this person would say you know what that's not why I'm not you know but but these kids it's very sad what I'm going to say but these kids are probably going to for sure going to have to deal down the road with other issues that have with the same par if you're not going to do this if the parents are not flexible then the child has already issues to deal with this it was not this is not something that goes away the problem it becomes bigger and bigger bigger yeah so and the next step is after you go to a roof and you talk with the and you explain the problems is he can help he doesn't help anyway it ends up by right now after the RO you say there's nothing you can do in head it ends up by now here is a huge issue in another major topic called toan the and theas you see I just want to walk till we're going to get through the divorce I want to get through all the steps what's involved in horror stories coming out of D toas yeah what these peasants are doing first of all the money is like all of a sudden the couple didn't have money the parents from both sides didn't have money all of a sudden money has to come flying in because the to is costing Fortune I'm going to say something it's very controversial I'm sorry I'm going but but it's a matus it's it's it's a fact I I think it's a fact my opinion H parents feel very guilty when that child was unhappy married because they're the ones that did the MH they need to subconscious they need to prove to the child that I love you so they're going to say don't give in don't let your ex see your child and they'll come up with all the money help the child fight to show the child that I do love you I do care for you it's subconscious subconscious they feel that this was not the right way of doing things they're fixing they want to own up now in Way by showing I'll fight for you yeah and in the in the world the most of the was done by the couple not by the parents then there's much more after a divorce but all these you see that kind of push back like visitations and custody it doesn't 70% less M yeah yeah because I spoke to some attorneys also and they said that what's going on in the courtrooms which is Step number three right yeah but the court the the percentage of of from the from world uh fting for children and custody and all stuff much it's amazing what you're saying it's amazing Stuff Again by inelt if there's money if there's to fight over yeah they own courts they they own properties it's not the parents is the couple themselves so the ex couple are fighting for something sub but if there's no money involved it's just the children visitations and all this stuff this aspect is terrible wow I think because the parents are mixing in and the also that told them he also wants to now be involved if he's not totally and let's go back to um I think it's NE because they they look at it as a as a job they look at it as I'm not taking any sides if you hire me I'm your site if you but in the meantime first of all they're costing fortunes of money but second of all are they is there any experience that you have that toan helped in any way shape or form or like yeah I was positive way I was dealing with someone that with the was dealing with a family of narcissists and real personality sort of situation which which is one of my expertise MH and I I I was there with him we went down to the war because I knew they're going to manipulate everybody around the and the roof and everything he hired the Tian that's a monster bigger than all of them he's also a narcissist a tan right and he's scared them like like Trump is scaring all the all the all these foreign countries now all these all these dictators are scared only from you know in America we want to be nice and kind and negotiate you can't negotiate with a terrorist you can't negotiate with the personality he found his own kind so you need your own kind you need someone even stronger and and he had a Tony like that and the other side behaved like amazing because he came all the way the other T animal going like like you would do with other health healthy people trying to negotiate artmart a little bit but sometimes when when you're really dealing with unhealthy people that are Fighters you have noice you take someone even bigger you know like like Trump told North Korea have a bigger button that works you remember something like that so you do but really A was meant to be originally a lot of people not able to express themselves they two honest people and really want to know what the to says they don't know the the to knows the you're right so that's what I'm saying the person hires now tells the roof that that's went off and and and the t is trying to to manipulate the other side and and it's very unhealthy but we could go in something even more painful to me than they is the way the B is being paid in the the town every town had and and a the the B the dun got paid from the community not per case now I come into the to with someone else we're both paying the right this this is this the same thing with with if I have a restaurant and I paid the roof to give a out from from and his father were paid by the by the by benra K and and he would never take a penny or a present if anybody had a store and sent of p a gift to said do one more time you're not I'm taking that was real there's very few bhad that don't take money directly from people and I I I I don't understand it so you think that the it's a business that's all it is they dragging it out but also they'll give you the excuse that that lamasa there there's no kill today who's going to pay that you don't need to get paid but still even if you don't know who gave it to you right people think it's right the of the fire is in the n in if it's oil it burns bigger if it's wax it burs less right you know so you want to pay your your with koser money and it has a we believe in that so money coming from people where is that is is is a disaster I've been with people yeah people are like you know the people lose trust these uh and what happens they end up in court someone gets upset and this and that and with a hat without the had but they end up they end up in court this is a terrible thing also hundred thousand attorneys but also the get hurt because there's always forensic there's always you take aish kid and this and this all of a sudden he becomes come to your house every week and they interview you they ask the kids a lot of questions conversations that we don't talk talk it's about and and it's and it's very very these children I I speak to them when they're married already and they tell me that they went through this damage for life there's a certain whole people told me it's never going to be fixed and and the animosity between parents is hurting the child forever a child is not allowed to know that my parents disagree in a marriage and even more so in divorce it's it's not healthy for them right because what's interesting is when he comes to divorce it brings out the worst in both I mean you see see that you see things that you never saw before you couldn't believe the stuff is coming out of these people's mouths and they'll go below the Bell they'll mus and they'll go to the they they'll do the craziest a why because on the other one hand you see a parents go on fire for the children right what would we not do for our right the moment we got divorced we hurt our kids why is that how does that work it's it's it's so painful to see and I think that there's a self-righteousness comes into the mind that I'm doing it for my child there is a if you could find what it is and take it out the person will stop fighting I've seen it because a person cannot take his child to slaughter right ever you'll jump at the fire before you kid right we've seen it through history he jumped into the buses in sh with the bus bouns to save that child and they got burned we do everything for our kids and and and suddenly the man stops giving child support to your own kids right and she stops giving visitation well she has a self-righteousness she says it's for the favor of the kid I don't want see this abuse a father and he says you if I'll give her the money she'll only buy drugs I don't want to it's not going to get to my child so it's it's it's it's unbelievable the way uh the the awareness is missing but how much do you feel that parents or from both sides are fueling the fire is it is it a lot a lot so let's say if you would take that out of the equation you think a lot of things would would would have been different because the couple for itself sure they have that differences and the like you said there's a child involved but the parents and siblings are are fueling the fire 100% because they need to Ego improving a point that's what you hidden point I mean it's still they still love their kids there's no two ways to buy because going in even when they made the sh like quickly like they made it's also they they want the best for their kids I mean they don't believe that there's a way to know more so they start using the bash right and I always tell people the word bash is only after I don't want to hear the wordless you have to you open up a business you don't say opens and from then on you start ding sending customers but you put into that store everything you can you decorate it you advertise you make sure that the company's running everything with cycle and then of course everything if a customer is going to come in or not that's that's bash but you don't say bash while you're doing the process and while you're doing information on you have to do it as the whole thing is up to you it's not B right when does a person know let's say there's bumps ups and downs in the in the in the marriage you know all the time I mean that's normal and you have to straighten things out two different wirings two different people coming together thinking completely different two different Fabrics when does a person know that uh you know what this is this is not working should he have that little poison in their head that you know maybe we should look someplace else okay um what must happen what must happen I think when core values get crossed mhm um a marriage is you know you like chocolate and vanilla you know it's it's most marriages could be fixed if they're two healthy individuals just different natures and regular standard issues healthy issues we call it give me an example of core values let's say yish because kite is not um most people don't know their own values but yeah they got Clarity that's the sad part right but at least the value believing that shabas you have to you can't be shabas you can't a lot of us keep the way you want to raise your children so if you see that this is going in a different directions we don't believe in the same so that's a AMJ help them no no because then you're again at the same she's going to send her and there and it's still going to be a compromise it's still not going you mean mean if if one person is less religious than the other it's going to come to visitation and custody and decision making divorce does not help for that not at all not at all so there's always an underlying thing that's people are not smart if they get divorced for that reason they're not smart because it's you I'll tell you a beautiful story um I Heard it I'll tell you from who I heard it from misel the dying from Seagate okay yeah he told me the story I was sitting in my father was sitting and hearing the story from him he told me there has a distant cousin his mother is from from the the previous rabbit she's still alive the alabon her she's her first cousin or second cousin whatever isim after the war post war in islim they had a daughter looking for they found another family they found another gar and okay they got married the girl comes home a few days after the to her parents she starts crying she says my husband is not religious nothing like the parents went frantic they ran to the come whatever we have a problem our daughter needs to get divorced and he said what's going on he said you know he shabas he's not nothing he calls he says I want to talk to the sing of a the one that just got married he calls into room and he ask has her like this do you like him yes does he have good mid good manners a good person yes if he would if you could come home to him and tell him he should keep to husband and wife he's going to leave up to you you're going to decide send the kids and he's not going to be front of the kids if he does those three things do not divorce him not she comes out she tells her parents and her parents they go to said he said that's he came to me you don't get divorc just because he's not Rel it's not to be business and he promised them the couple if you're going to let her continue with him they're going to have children they're going to shine the world they're going to have very good kids I heard this in he told me he didn't want to say the name it's the second third cousin of his he said all of the children over there and I asked him what happened with with that he said he was m still after he married off all his kids and that a beautiful life and it's you see a lot but you see one of the spouses is from and the other is not you don't need to get divorced for that this is that is not a reason to get the no no they say they want to save the kids it's not saving it's ruining the kids I just had a divorce that was involved with two three years ago and and she went over the she did not she she went very M which she's allowed to have divorce and maybe she's wearing leggings nothing scary and the other side is very Ultra community and they raised a lot of money to to help the sing man take away the kids I went to court and I told him not only you're going to lose in court you're going to lose your kids his oldest son is in public school now and the other two kids are walking around without K and the guy every time I meet him he cries he said it wasn't really was and the people in the community we're going to take away from this woman she's I I I know she wasn't but even if she would you don't gain anything from fighting ever You' never gain from fighting and you'll never gain taking away the kids from the father or from the mother and that's to me also very very sore topic uh first of because I didn't see my own kids for 13 years I didn't see my son my other son I didn't see for 5 years and my daughter I didn't see for 9 years the all back here now I'm begging them to talk to them mothers so the things switched around yeah but I know the pain and I know the pain of the kids forever forever they home their heart they were taken away from their father their mother even if the father's a psycho yeah even if the father's whatever their father still their mother still the father still their mother and and and if you need to have uh visitation with with with a there what is it called um yeah like a an my mind someone to be there you know no problem but you can't take away a child from a father and mother and never get involved helping someone in your family so what if one person is like Ultra Ultra and the and the wife let's say wants a different school for the kids you're saying that divorce is not a it's not going to help so the question is no but they're fighting in court who should have decision making custody or whatever but so the other anyway right so even if the kids is in the the way you want the other spouse is going to you're not winning this you see the SP the SP are going to get married to someone Mily daily basis these kids be exposed and and I want to tell you something my wife's ex I'm very close to them and I could mention it because I'm buddies with him really we get along very well and and we married because he's part of the he's part of my wife kid always went to him really working together but he he chose a modern way and he's proud of it and that's him lot to say it he used to be he's more mad he Tri his b doesn't wear a hat he's from he but my children grew up going to him M and my wife's children our children used to go to him every second child listen and they were exposed to certain things that we didn't do in our house and he they grew up beautiful very they still made their choice uh why I think they got a lot of healthy connection relationship to me and to my wife and they didn't miss their father because they had him and then they made a choice they want to be they want to be more just there decision and they all grow up awesome so hasm gave me a lot of things in my life I guess it should be I don't know help other people sometimes a person goes through certain things so and he at that time he doesn't know why he's like oh my God I can't take this and then later you find out you know what it wasn't made me yeah and I'm always telling the world that stop it stop fighting it's yish you know the father's going to tell the kids something a kid is okay you put in your best and and all you do you're not in charge you're not in you're not in control this is something that's you got married you had the kids now you deal with it deal with it the best way possible don't just don't just fight back even if you're fighting for what's right you're still fighting and you you fighting and that in itself is not good it's not healthy not healthy never help your sister or your brother take away the kids from their spouse never tell them I'll support you even if you feel your sister's wrong for the divorce you still have to support it's your sister but don't do another thing wrong by hurting her kids don't hurt the kids never ever hurt kids now what do you say to these people who are in in in not healthy marriages yeah and they're literally afraid to leave because that person is going to unleash a tsunami of of abuse and and and and all these things and that petrified over there because they know they're never going to get a get yeah they know that this guy they know him better than anybody else and they find that this guy if you don't if you don't play his game you will never see again so they sit and they take it and they uh what do you say to these people my message to them is yeah it's painful it's called a trap yeah and I once watched some clip somewhere it it was so so impactful for me and I want to share it there's this guy that is that he was interviewed just a year ago two years ago uh he escaped American prison 20 years ago 30 years ago now he's an old guy he's almost dying and I forgot where he was in the Bahamas somewhere one of the islands and and and he came out he said you know remember this guy it's me he know was going do die he's like a 90s something right so they asked him how did he escape the prison he was in the maximum prison in I remember which state and asked him how he did it and he said listen I made myself a choice I'm being a prison for life or I'm going to escape and and and embrace a lot of pain escaping which one I'm going to do but once I embrace the pain and I make it I'm going to be free for the rest of my life he said that he it's a long thing take in the short version of it he knew the times of the guards were in different places he he went through air condition Ducks he had to hang he hanged I think he said for four hours on one hand a very tight space knowing when the guards are not down there and then he let himself fall he knew he was going to break the left leg he had to escape the barwise get scratched he had a whole that he's going to have one leg and one hand that's going to help him out of prison but once he's out he's out and had a plan is going to take him he embraced for it he braced the pain he hurt himself every day exercise he knew it's coming and that's how he got out I think the only way to leave an abusive marriage is by take a little bit more pain get scratched break a arm break a leg so to speak figuratively go through it but go out and once you're out you'll be free forever right and and you'll you'll you'll figure it out so a trap is only a trap if you're not a trap means as pain here pain there but where's the long term right go for the long term right so what you're saying is very important and it's an important message for victims and for people who they know they have a gut their intuition tells them this is not working this is not good and I'm being abused and stuff like that and I'm going to pay a price for this right but it's worth it yes is do it like you can have a beautiful life on the other side and and you'll go through it yeah I just had a a couple that that they were separated for quite a while and also he was quite you know threatening and all kinds of stuff and and I told her give everything up he said if you I'll give you divorce you're not going to get anything they owned properties together and many different she said I I I told her so you want to stick around what what's yo but I'm going to lose millions of dollars okay fine and she went for the divorce yeah and and she probably won't get any dollar from she's still going to try on course I look but right she's a free bird right life is still you she still has you know runs the show yeah it's not about don't be scared to to take the leap even if it's painful because you'll you'll get there right and and it's pain yeah so it's a choice you know bad or bad pain or pain choose your poison choose your poison that's what it is now as far as um as far as post divorce when a person he gets divorced how does a person deal with um first of all the stigma we spoke about it before this is something that is like you know we're living in a community we're living with people and this is the divorce or the divorce and then it comes with regret then it comes with like loneliness it comes with uh it comes with a lot of emotions yeah and people you know doubting themselves how do you build a self-confidence knowing that what you did is right and you did the right thing and you do have a support system and people understand people sometimes think that everybody thinks about your business everybody has their own problems what should a person know post divorce okay two things number one many people get divorced and never look back for a second zero guilt like myself I never ever ever not split of a second because I suffered I went for all the help in the world possible and and when the time got divorce it wasn't just a quick decision it was it was clear was a calculated decision you know exactly pain a lot of pain after divorce because every that was read to me my ex-mate show to call up and say the worst things about me and there's a lot of stuff went on she's very manipulative and her family very big Fighters very unhealthy people not to their fault they also went through pain everybody yeah HT people hurt people hurt people hurt people and very hurt people hurt people very yeah so I've been through that but you know what when the right one came it came anyway so so that's number one a lot of people leave without that guilt and other people that do have times they think back like okay it wasn't good marriage but look at myself I'm ready divorced five years six years and so hard to be single my message with them is it doesn't have to be black or white it doesn't have to be I divorced him because it was impossible to live with him over her was the worst in the world no the things that I suffered from is something that I was not ready to live with my I couldn't live with that and yes I could remember the good parts also and you can live with that yeah Embrace that thought don't push it away can't be I like this part from him that's bringing the the the the agon beauti beautiful yes it's not black or white it's by choice there are certain parts that were good and we tried there's nothing wrong with that just live in live with it live with it but the fact is that I decided to divorce at the time this was number one priority I'm forgetting how much pain it was and I trust myself that at the time I knew I did everything was right and live with that and once I tell the people there I love it we know that communication is everything Ian you'll hear it from every professional in the world communication communication communication say because a lot of people the husband or the wife doesn't even know what what what what the other person wants because they're not talking and you're just not saying it out loud even though it's silly and stupid but this is the person you should be silly with communication is very important but here's my question in second marriages since you have the experience and you speak to a lot of people the second marriages are what is is did they use it as a learning experience so now they have the communication better than before or the tolerance level changed because tolerance you know it's the second time around you learn about tolerance you know which which the first time if I would because people doubt themselves if I tolerate now if I have to tolerate the second time and maybe I should tolerate the first time so as far as communication um is it a learning experience uh first of all in in the H melt there's a huge advantage in second marriage the advantage is that it's it's accepted to go dating nobody gets so it's not you're not tolerating if you get married to tolerate again just just don't do it people say it's a very fanatic word is that anybody that got divorced says the opposite I went through all the shame and blame and hurt and the second time it doesn't work I'm going to divorce again because I don't care anymore what people say I want to be happy you're married so Second Time Around is the opposite I see the second marriages that work are are awesome they're amazing and if which doesn't they get divorced again because they're not ready to tolerate I think that um what we should learn and what I preach and the other my my colleagues in in in what we preach and even assisted sister is heal yourself now before you get remarried correct from your old pain and whatever you need to to structure and and to grow learn about yourself about yourself and then move on don't just move on right away and they always ask me how healed should I be I say 70% the other 30% could only happen once you have experience again with a healthy man a healthy woman but at least 70% to heal yourself and U you won't have to tolerate I think that communication is is what we are as humans it's not only we're called because we we we can talk we have ability we have more than the that we have we have a prefrontal cortex they only have a Reptilian Brain they only have Instinct and we have we have everything we're able to make differentiate and to make we have everything so you say use it so so why is it called why are we called we should have been called right because you can have as much as you want if you can't communicate and give over to the next Generation what you learned or to share with someone you're just like the you're not you're not you're a mad and if effective Communicator has a good life and everybody communicates to different levels knowing how to communicate to different people yeah that's the more people you're able to communicate with types of people you're able to communicate with the happier and more successful you're in life and business is the same thing same thing yeah you need to know who to talk strong who to be nice who to be and and you know but every person and we have opposite gender and communicating with them on something that matters to us so much right like like for kids or money these are the two main things that people come to issues the most issues sitting in my office is when it comes to money or because these are two things that are very dear and you have two opposite brains but if they're able to communicate effectively communication means like the B used to say old F have you need to listen double then communication is listening most people listen in order to answer that listen to understand and if you create space you say and and and and you never say this is how it's supposed to be I I I'm telling you you say I feel that this is the right thing I understand and what do you feel right you create a space and invite the other to share their moment then you'll get the clarity actually yeah you'll get to a very good place it's called yeah you know we know in the the it's called now we know right hand left it's actually like that it's amazing how kab said it ago so a man has a little more of a woman has a little more of and communicate effectively the bottom the end result equals is d d is amazing it's like you take a lemon the white the woman has be then it becomes that yes we have we have also we have much more they have much more and is more into details that's so women see details you know what they say when aaman comes home from sh and he says he wants to go into business with this A friend of his the wife tells him she has no idea what business is all about she doesn't know anything about shoes or whatever and this guy has this whole big idea that he wants to go in shoes spend some money and this and that the wife tells him no don't do it he'll rip you off it's like how do you know I'm telling you I know they have a certain being they they know you they know them there's something there I'll tell you why because is on the right side the right hand is the left side is B is is the negative who said how do you know details it's not so trusting is like the big idea I have a grand idea do it and the woman's like on DET how we're going to do it and then answer then back and forth the left side is much more connected to feelings as well so women are much more connected at God's feeling right they're God's feeling sometimes not from V it's from from the V side right the feelings comes and it says I don't know something and you should know if you people who didn't listen yeah learned later that they should have listened see most people cannot work with their wife with their spouse and business they're not right because but the ones that are able to they are the most successful businesses because the women she's bringing in her balance yes total different perspective amazing the the men and women but I've seen some bad things happening work together that it's not recommended not recommended but I've seen very very known businesses that people know I'm not going to say names and I know that the husband wife together she sat into every meeting and he said it was awesome they were very very successful but but that's the ultimate that's what would you say to parents who from the children who the children take advantage so let's say if it's in middle of a divorce or there is double set of parents and if one parent you know puts down boundaries and and and discipline and and they're running left right and center and you don't want to lose them and this and it's like a disaster beyond words like like these kids are I'm sleeping over there tonight I'm sleeping over here tonight you're not going to say you're not going to give me this I'm going to run over there so the healthy parents is the one that will come and ask me the question right yeah I would tell them you'll be healthy you'll be you is not about now never is even a regular marriage never if a child did something wrong your response should be my response now is going to change their future or just to retaliate for now it's not about now ever many times I turn the Blind Eye I don't see what my kids do like didn't see is he's blind as it says so he looked away when want to see the good saw the future at the end was like in like no what what's now so I think that if you do you you are the one that gives discipline to the kid again you'll give a little more extra gifts that you would have given to a child because again these kids need more they're going through a lot but you do you and the future the kids are always going to know they kids love discipline yeah healthy child love discipline and they'll come and argue and tell you're not it's like a child who was walking down the aisle in the supermarket the Nash aisle right throws himself down throws a tantrum over there they want the candy so first the mother says no no candy yeah but then the mother gives in because she's embarrassed she's looking around this kid now on the floor is looking at the mother I can't believe this you don't have my back because if I throw myself down for a candy and I get it then you're weak so you actually lost this child a child that goes through that cycle in in an extreme way turns into a personality disorder yeah because then they know I could throw a bigger tantrum and then and then sooner or later then they do it a marriage do it so they'll always they they don't believe that there's no way they'll they'll use embarrassment they'll they'll right so how do you uh treat a child like that you discipline is discipline and you you see you could tell your child in the car you did something very not nice and I want to train you that next time you don't do this you were about to embarrass me in front of other mothers M I gave it into you but don't do it again you do it again I'm going to have to let you scream and you're going to be the Fool If the child is old enough to know it as as the mother is not strong enough to do that or the father you could you could discipline them later at home when they need something else they listen you forced me to get you this now you want this I can't get it you'll have to wait two more weeks to get it I should buy whatever yeah there there's ways to do things you can't let yourself be controlled by these kids just because you're going through a hard time no you have to be very strong yeah we need to be balanced you know a lot of parents say oh my kids are becoming spoiled and you know um yeah what happens also is very common in second marriage you have your your kids and yours minds and ours right I have that yours minds and ours and and your kids go to the ex and brings home they come home with a lot of Nash and now my kids also want that toys of course you have to buy it for them again you could always say you know that father this you know but we need to have cycle you can't right rather our kids should grow up a little spoiled and have a healthy self-esteem that to be unspoiled and zero self-esteem so we we'll deal with the spoiled later you know right right now how does a person regain confidence um after a you know a trauma I mean for the parents this is also a trauma and how do you start trusting again you're saying how does someone that's divorced trust again yeah they don't but um let's we were saying before about they're not trusting themselves missing what's missing Inside by them you see trust is total nonsense I think if we could try to explain I'm not so an AI but if you would take a I'm assuming if you take AI robot I tell it you should trust the other robot he's going to say what does trust mean I have it or I don't have it trust is a is a is a gift that humans are able to say even though I'm not totally secure I'm ready to do it because other things make sense so in other words someone borrows from you uh $100 and he say I'll give it back to you next week Tuesday and so you lend him the $100 Monday he comes to you without asking gives you back the $100 few weeks later he ask can I borrowed $500 he he builds up his trust you know this guy is so honest every time then you trust with $1,000 so trust is something that builds up it's it's another part of the logic which is able to extend and say you know what although I don't have uh a mashin Who I have Mas to replace it but there's trust there's a formula there's a system of trusting the problem is that most humans in the world don't trust or have issues trusting some more some less is because we were never taught how to trust I was a little telling a secret to my friend of next day the whole class comes and tells me that that's the first betrayal every time and then again you trust again this friend you could tell just that and then eventually we stop trusting M but we can't live without trust and we need to trust as humans as communicators as as people that that that mingle with other people there has to be trust so people that don't trust anybody are living in pain so what I recommend go learn the formula of trust now I do it one-onone with clients I teach them how to trust again there's a formula so I always ask people for instance I give you a quick quick uh yeah I trust everybody I always say I trust every body it depends with what yeah with a dollar bill everybody yeah if I'm sitting in a bus and there's an old lady sitting near me or a n whoever it is can I borrow $5 give me a name I I lost my wallet what's the risk factor I lose the $5 so The RK risk factor building trust it's how much do I trust so if I sit in a plane tomorrow and I tell my wife sit down with me I'm going to drive the plane and my wife says I'm getting out of here you're not driving I said you don't trust me my wife doesn't trust me she trusts me she doesn't trust me to driving Flames I never I was I'm not a pilot that doesn't mean she doesn't trust me with something else so if I trust someone with something doesn't mean I don't trust him with something else so you have three things already building trust um how far do you trust and what's the loss and then I can make another this guy wants to borrow for me $10,000 he's a very known guy in the community his name is more worth than $10,000 I know he'll get it to right or I know he owns a lot of profit he has where to take it but if the guy doesn't have where to take it from yeah so we trust every everybody depends with what and how far so when we want to trust again marriage I don't know if I could trust again a man you don't trust that man you're going to date him because you don't trust as you date him you start trusting more you have a dating coaches you trust a little bit you do a certain amount of percentage and then you don't sit the first date and spell all your beans so I I think that I the the answer is learn how trust works it's part of life and it's a must it's a must you can't live without it because you you see that uh it holds back a lot of people from moving gone you see that right it holds on most people fall through with one business deal another and then they give up the rich people are the ones that fell through many times and trusted again so the next time they they invest in another investment they they took even more people to help them they they're business advisers but at the end of the day you have to have a leap of faith based on on on something that makes sense what what some what are some success stories that you saw in second marriages that is like like uh that you can really inspire people I can't give names not names but give me a story of uh if You' seen somebody who went through a very hard time and trust and and and trusted very known my wife is very known yeah I I I I I'll tell you had doubts in the beginning no what do me doubt between no between when you were divorced when you divorced after I didn't listen toik for a very long time sister kep to bring me names and I said all women are crazy like you didn't want to listen I wanted a shout out to my sister I I remember one sh afternoon I've B an only sister six brothers so by shabas meal by her and uh I heard her arguing with her husband quietly he said you go to sleep I'll watch the kids and she said you go to sleep I'll watch the kids that M was told my mother I think I don't want to get married because there is hope she gave me I came from such a crazy place so you couldn't believe that there's something like this exists that was that was imagine great marage and and and and she didn't have to say anything it's just by the by the what you noticed yeah but but I think a crossbreed marriage is something that's very promising and I think want people that listening to this podcast should look into it I know a very man that got married to a girl that came from very out of townish but you know we call it with all of them anybody and they have a Awesome mar like I know first really doing great so he's flexible and okay so she brought sh this morning Sushi instead of uh let's say instead of like filter okay come on that's not marriage they the quality of both of them was so beautiful and and they they got married for the shared values they got married for so many reasons for the right reasons and it's amazing it's amazing they live life so so look into that and and and don't be afraid taking a woman with more kids or less kids and again if someone is not capable but if the person is capable that should not be the first thing on on the prority first meet the person see if yeah what would you say is that is is a healthy way of getting divorced healthy way of getting divorced is if you must yeah that that that's that's amazing there there are there are mediators that are not in the right both of them go to mediator um and they have the kids in mind the the the only thing the first thing is to say my kids come first since we have kids and whatever it says whatever we come up with whatever deals we make but it has to be professional because there's a talking about LIC mediator yes it has to you know this conquer mediation my friend y i I brought him a few divorces L recently when the couples they don't up make it my job is to put some but sometimes and I I ask them do you both really really really care for the kids you don't want to fight come to come to T we sit down over there he has a whole team of and they have a whole print out of everything you have to fill out all the forms your names everything you own together and the children the ages and therapists involved and and I've been there and you could drink it's so beautiful to see very few still I want more and more people to divorce that's what I'm saying what percentage is this do you see that not enough not enough not enough I'm pushing for it I just two weeks ago Friday it was a Friday morning I went with a couple and they got they share one child they went over there and they got divorced it was so beautiful just beautiful stop there's no fighting there's a lot to fight on they both have to but again if you're divorcing a narcissist or a border it's not going to work it's not going to the opposite then you need a trump you you need to come in and and and the bigger your stickers they'll behave come in nice yeah yeah no nice is not going to work yeah nice but people that don't if it's not a personality disorder if it's just people that are just who people who was just in whatever fight it didn't work s you know and and and and both have to give it's a long journey and it's not about now it's about the Future these kids are I see kids as adults with little feet they're going to be all we're all we all remember our childhood we're all adults and and the kids are going to remember these fights and it hurts them more than anything else do not fight do not fight and and why why do children blame themselves when when something like that that's what they say the professionals say that they all little ual abuse even blames himself he blames himself why what's the psychology behind it The Human Condition which is called um any trauma that happens to a person trauma is disconnect disconnect from reality disconnect from people right and and healing is is is attachment again right as reading when a person goes through that it's it's like it it's grief like you're grieving yourself before the abuse and grief goes through a few a few layers one of it is is feeling guilty right and one of it is feeling numb and one of it is blame shame and all the stage the levels of of divorce of of grief so anytime there's grief involved if there is grief involved in in being tortured and being it's you're grieving yourself yeah and and one of the stages is just going to be self-blame if I wouldn't look so pretty maybe this guy would have molested whatever if I would have been tougher the other the other boy wouldn't bully me if I would yeah so it's it's The Human Condition but obviously it's not logic it's but it's it's some somewhere between so basically you could recommend for any child that's going through a divorce healthy or unhealthy or whatever the case is because they'll blame their children why the parents they blame themselves why the parents are fighting yes or why they didn't even get along or whatever this is so you definitely recommend therapy for these there not even a shab we all need therapy children from divorce need special special I think it's the most beautiful thing that Hashem gave the world the last few years the awareness of of being helped yeah it's it's like you want to hear something beautiful I was by a convention two three months ago uh of many different dating coaches MH so I was there there like a whole one of them stood up and said you know it became an attractive thing by many dating C boys and girls dating or and it became an attract say oh I'm I'm doing this uh mental I'm doing this therapy which therapy are you doing I'm doing breath work are you doing it became an attractive thing like oh you're not helping so I'm going to get married to you yeah because we have now it's scientifically proven recently recently scientifically proven we knew it all along but now we have in our genes 2,000 years of gulus not only the Holocaust we had of all all the expulsions of we have our great-grandfather lost a child in his crazy still in s Jeans and you think mhia is going to come for crazy people we all need to heal before he comes so we're all healing I'm healing I'm going for help all the time it's amazing I wish I could afford more I would do even more it's people say oh you go for therapy for help these are people that never didn't have the the privilege didn't have the the gift of you don't have to go every day you go every now and then you know go through a hardship I I need I need there are still people who don't believe in therapy that's the first indication that they need it yeah because they still think it's a scam it's like I went to these weekend events I did there used to be once call of the show far was called in bore many you remember it many many many years ago it's closed but started in Crown Heights or something no Crown Heights came from there I was together with the guys so I was there for shabas I remember probably 12 years ago and from there a lot of them the CH the son frisli was there and I forgot all the names Mo and all of them were doing events I remember when we came in there for for it was extended weekend everybody don't nobody want to share names don't tell anybody you saw me here when we left everybody said tell everybody we were here we want and it always happens it there's nothing wrong with again and then people start going to IAS and they're going to very I think that some people need it because they tried every single trauma therapy and it didn't work for them if you're doing really guided with the right people you should do whatever you have to and a lot of people don't need it there's no blanket statement it is good it's not good whatever needs to be done breath work is awesome and talk therapy what I do with clients whatever it is cranial therapy we need to heal we're not just healing our own TR we're healing our fathers and grandparents and great grandparents and and and it's working and it's still a long way to go abely so how does a parent a parent from from who's not divorced or parents who are divorced or parents who have Blended Families how do they build trust with the kids very good question how does a parent build trust with a child getting is getting a new family or his existing family you talk about you talking to to blend the to to both non-biological everybody I mean in general how does a parent just be real they'll they'll trust you yeah just be real and and and say your flaws I I tell theot it's a good example you got dating the woman says I'm coming with three kids out and two kids and I want them to love my kids I always say he's not going to love your kids like he loves his own kids he love he's going to love your kids the maximum you could love someone else's child mhm because so you're very realistic very realistic and your children are going to feel the regular love that that that's what he could do the closest he could love your spouse's kids is like your sister's child and that's huge right that's but that's that's honest H that's honesty that's honesty and and and honesty is the is it's so the women has they respect and the children will respect that too a child itself is not so stupid they know exactly that you can't love him the way you love children know everything something there that hasm gave a gift for us humans that we have two people in this world hopefully they're normal and healthy yeah that have unconditional love un un unconditional love like and and I think but there's another thing in is very beautiful it's called a hav is have is love comes from delusion have is giving there is such a thing when you give to someone so many years it becomes actually part of you so we see nurses that get attached to that has a name forgot the name is it's a condition patients they get attached to the patient a very very extreme if the patient dies they they they can never recover because they give them so much so as a parent giving to a stepchild really really giving them but that's usually when they're young and the evil you really love them almost like you're like to the max possible right so what you're saying is you have to be authentic authentic be yourself and share with these children your challenges and communication again with build that's it's not so complicated it's very simple kids you know my times our parents are children of holoc survivors they they felt that that we're not going to respect them if they're going to be real to us or or vulnerable so they they never they wanted to be a good father strong father he never showed himself crying or anything or he made a mistake anything like that they were hiding it I I could I could tell my kids you know yesterday I came home I came home I was exhausted long I come home and and you talked to me and I ignored you or I didn't answer you I screamed I didn't I want to apologize to you I did a mistake yesterday I love you very very much and I always love you it was me and my child respects me more of course by being real right and even if they listen to me on the phone call and and and I'll say you know what I wasn't so nice be real real is respect right yeah that's that's that's very smart now you also involved with with teens yes now these are not teens just coming from divorced homes these are teens from the street regular teens how should a parent deal with a who comes home and says I want to drop out of school what they should do yeah they should start feeling bad and not judge them right not not react and and feel bad we judge them and it's a big Avo to get there it's a lot of work to together so I'm saying the end result but really nobody wants to drop out of school nobody wants to hurt parents nobody wants to be different than their family and nobody wants to be different than their friends and if someone is choosing to do something different I believe there's an underlying that there's an underlying trauma there underlying pain that's forcing them to do something and Trauma could be um sending through school for many years and not knowing you'll never make it like the five tough kids or you're just add or just learn disabled or even you're regular kids you just not able to to to get there so that's very traumatic every single day you're sitting through school every hours years and and and you'll never make it Collective it's called complex trauma the collective all of that is just like trauma it's even worse even worse a study say than a onetime trauma they that you experienced the seeing someone get burned alive that's terrible terrible trauma but going through complex trauma extended periods of having a father alcoholic or or whatever like extremely extreme version of alcoholic or whatever absent parents that's trauma and that causes for the person to not not be able to to think uh regular and make decisions so they make wild decisions they're being a very wild teenager and they're doing so the parent should never never judge anybody never judge yourself and even more so never judge your kids and if your child comes home and says I can't go back to school I can't take it anymore they take or they they you find them with a smartphone let's say your ideals is not to have one and they start doing things immediately start have have mercy on them then you you want judgment because there's a beautiful thing in in in our brain that the way created you cannot have and you cannot have and RA in the same place it cannot work oh you can't love someone and be angry you could be angry at you could be no you could be hurt and love them yes that you could you can't hate them and love them right you can't be because there's no it has to be some so I started having y so my child is stting starting to be different than the family cuz he's obviously struggling so just love him more Embrace him more just a phone call yesterday parents come from Lake go my my daughter doesn't want to go back to school and and and and she has a little bit of anxiety a little bit I said what do you know a little maybe it's more like what do you know maybe she's crying every night and so whatever I told her to go for help and do not force her to go back to school tell her she could be home forever we love you we'll give you whatever in a few days if bet if it's just a a uh a short you know like episode that she's going through she'll go back to school on her own you don't have to force her if someone drops y kite if someone drops the values of the family it's not because the oldfashioned of 500 years ago 200 years ago when they decided like they read some books against T kite and they realized you know it's pain and you're going to give them more pain by by forcing them to do things or to or to throw them out of your house do you know how much pain how could you do that would you kick a child out of the house if they broke a leg or they they're going through a same thing you would do everything oh what's doing with the other kids they're being ruined yes what's do with the other kids when you have a child that's on or the whole family family there's no day no night the parents are in the hospital back are you going to take the child get out of here we need all the kids there's no there's no difference because they're doing it out of pain and this is what people need to understand nobody chooses to be different than their family nobody Cho even in the goge world if someone is born and raised in an Italian family and and they decide to become rebelliousness is a sign of something you have to look under the you have to understand what is behind not just like the bottle the alcohol is not the alcohol is not the problem no the alcohol is is is the escape people around us suffering from the alcohol yeah but what I'm saying is that the the addict doesn't like the battle right he's he's covering up something I had a c going laugh I had a funny thing had a cover the kid to me like 35y olds just Rec was the funniest thing they quite a good couple and she she came to me she said yeah I don't have too much things on it but every shabas my husband drinks too much and and it's getting worse lately and it comes from The KES which is a big problem Oh a huge problem itself which which so and and this that and he's and I went to this one already to that one maybe you could talk to and I said How's your marriage how could you rate your marriage from 1 to 10 I asked him asked her and his numbers are very different than her numbers so we came to a place to realize there certain very important things that a woman should give for her husband he was she was not so I said listen how about you change the cause you do you do you you be the best wife in the world for a few weeks don't mention he was out of the room don't mention a word about alcohol let's say if he's going to take less and it was a funny she called me one day she said you are so right she changed the call he wasn't yet addict yet right right addict you know I don't know anything about addics I never Give opinions on addiction I learned I know I once gave an opinion I'm seeing people years already but I remember Wayne in the beginning I was it's addiction is a total different topic I I don't know anything about it so I'm not but obviously he was not addicted according to my understanding maybe addicts will say I his off I don't know and he's he's he's in a different place so yeah we need to deal with the cause if a child misbehaves at home even a little child so my little daughter's is misbehaving I come home my wife says she's hurting the the little one she's throwing whatever I did I screamed I bribed her she's not behaving okay her behavior is not doing well so why do I think she's feeling something our behavior is a result of our feelings correct so I sit down on the couch and I sit on my lap I say come tell me how was your day today I didn't mention a word why are we so bad at home why are we hurting everybody 15 minutes attention she went of my life she was the best kid ever like every single day I didn't mention a word so you change people's feelings you don't change their behavior right that's old fashioned I didn't behave I got a patch PCH does help so I did a bad behavior gave me another bad so now going to hurt the kid not be more hurt that's amazing you change people's feelings yes you change how they feel in their own life then you will see something on the outside and if a child is misbehaving just love them more take them and embrace them and and and whatever it takes whatever it takes what would we not do for our kids now here's where it take a long time here's where yeah but here's where the parents need to also that's why it's important for everyone to go to therapy yeah because the parents um have an image to uphold so if they have an image to uphold my son is my daughter is not going to school or so there's 15 other things that's bothering you than the actual thing because you would want to help child some more some less right so so so everyone has to become aware at the same time that we are a work in progress yes we need help and it's okay and this is care what other people think you can't care what other people think because caring what other people think basically hurting your ego kill you if a person has a very healthy ego they wouldn't care right so hasem wants us to fix our ego he sends us a child that's to give us a lesson to give us a lesson to stop right with with an ego with a Bava with a Bava can't live with the with says you know there's not there's not one more place where it says that no person does a he can do this this Jaa is the worst thing in the world and if you look at if you look around then you'll see in divorces and you'll see it everywhere it's the ego it's everything Narrows down to the ego they put into the wrong school because the father's ego and now he's suffering even more so he wanted to say one thing this kid's going to going to mash him the streets he's going to have more ego to deal with right I had a someone called me a very very ult guy called me up I two years ago whenever it was and he said that his son is struggling and and theiva one of this and and where where he could send them so I gave him a name of another where you should send him 14-year-old kid and over there he said no over there they learn very I said yes but over there he's going to feel like a I felt that would be yeah no no no my other kids you know my older kids this time and this one he put him into upgrade we did not belong half a year later this guy called me up he said take him the any Yesa my son is not even wearing aam anymore I didn't say I told you so I never do that I don't twist the knife when it's in there but you know we all we all need to have a healthy ego sometimes it could only be a ego is good a healthy ego I'm not saying to crush an ego crushed egos is the ones that have become about guys a healthy ego is knowing who you are knowing the gifts that hasem gave you and knowing what hasm did not give you that's a healthy ego knew he was the lead of he was the biggest un he didn't know he's the only one that could talk to hm he didn't hasem gave it to me but use it that he was he didn't want to that's why the whole because he he was he was in the wrong place he had a warped ego a good ego is to know your know your status know what you're good at and and know you are and know what you bring to the table I know that has gave it to you and just just don't like my work no hem gave me c to do something it's amazing work what you're doing it's unbelievable work what you're doing I have a final question sure who is role model it depends on what I I would say my biggest role model in the world is my father he was my biggest role model he just passed away right two months ago yeah awesome person you had a unbelievable relationship with this man I loved him L him and I I always knew he loved me always he loved me he was it was very rare for people that age was he missing a lot of things yes yes yes I'm not saying it was perfect it was not but uh as a child parent relation amazing I always felt that he loved me he cared for me and I saw him he was he was the most honest person you've ever seen in your life and he respected other people's time like he would get upset you know if I would go to when I started my life when I was the first marriage I used to do draperies and curtains a curtain business a decorator and that's how like curtain and uh and if I he told is you going to some tell them you're going to be there 12:00 you have to walk at 12:00 because maybe they have an appointment he couldn't understand you're calling a plum he used to say it's just like this Gaz sh you're heard he's stealing someone's sleep you're not someone's time and a word was a word honest was honor he never said a lie in his life she such a he respects other people he respected other people he told us that leish those things are not important he was a he's a businessman but he always learned a few hours a day he a he was a person from I would say he was my biggest role model and he very in the time when I grew up he was very Miller and we grew up in the cars definitely is a lot of but later I got very connected to my father's not connected to he wasn't he was connected these are the two like never connected afterwards but he's not really I'm very into and two generations the first I'm not into today I'm into so I would say a mix of my head is and U and and and then of course then I went I went out and I learned a lot of psychology and other things in the mix and and this is the result this is the result from healthy parenting gave you a gift but sometimes puts through a person certain on a journey so you can do your you're doing your 100% I saw today in the morning in in the after of this week's passion he says the whole clis as a whole had to go through the goulas to to grow yeah so I translate gulas as trauma right so this this Collective trauma right right Collective coun this Collective trauma yeah and then there there are certain moments in history where we had more trauma less trauma and in our own life we have certain times more trauma L but trauma is here to motivate us to do something because if everything goes good we don't do anything yeah if someone has everything going there's sleep Zone you're not going to get so it is but going through trauma the trauma the biggest trauma of you see of they came out they had to physically work and it gave them such Clarity in life the afterwards right so all our struggles every struggle that I went through I can't pinpoint this created this me but definitely who I am today is because all the pain I went through I'm still struggling with a lot of things we're work in progress a lot of was testing me in a lot of ways right and you know what while we're in it it's very hard to see the light but at least I look back at the old things you know and I see the light that it came from there and now you can say thank you yeah my Za told me my father's father oh it's a big role model of mine you know he live till 100 98 so he told me I used when I was in school he still alive he was just sniffed 20 years ago I asked him how did he survive the war he he had a wife and two kids Hitler killed his wife and kids where was part he was in in adelene inant yeah adelene Adeline and we have pictures from his business tiny pictures like from from his father even his father was killed in Holocaust he went through a lot and then he got remarried again to my grandmother had my father and and sister started life was the happiest person said zidi tell me how we go through Court of that we can't survive you know what he told me the smartest thing ever he says because I went through struggles before the holocost that's why I was able to he lost his mother when he was a teenager wow his mother died to the Russian flu and had the one only brother s naula which also died from the Russian flu and his father was in the World War I in the Army so he had he was raised for those years by his aunt that his father came back and and then he got married but that gave him the strength he said I knew how to deal with it wasn't my first thing and it gave me he said only then I realized he remarried again started world started from scratch the time was Nifty had he own this house he was a settled hasem gave him very good he told me I was still struggling with my ex then he was very very pained he never saw my new wife but shame he sees from sh but he told me some people struggle the first half of their life some the second some in the middle some nowhere some always just because he struggled still now who said you're going to struggle from now sh went to my he was very smart he used to throw like this these nuggets bumper stickers yeah he always had bumper stickers he didn't talk a lot but what he always said was a he was a very smart man so that so sometimes we go through one thing to to be able to yeah the the the the main thing is not to throw in the towel not throw in the towel just continue going give this is not our thing we have that does good thing we have in our jeans because if one of our grandparents would have given up we wouldn't be here kidding so it's a chain a Shane is only as strong as the we we're not giving up we're not the giving up type yeah I'm I'm I'm not the last the last the last the last ring is going to link is going to be weak no way way're Fighters we're GNA get should give you you should continue doing what you're doing the good work thank you for giving me the privilege and and people like you that are are you know going into these topics not everybody thank you yeah comfortable no it's quite it's it's it's it's about awareness aess you're have be help this topic and many many other hope