The Struggle Podcast EP 27 -Joe Farkas- How to Disarm the Narcissist

An educated codependent is a nightmare for a narcissist. They are successful with uneducated codependents. They are successful with people who are broken. They are successful with people who lost their self-esteem along the way. Relationships with narcissist never works. It's like you waiting at the train station for a plane to arrive. And that's what I am here to educate you. You are wasting your precious time. It's better to be alone than sit in an abusive relationship. And it is okay for you to admit that the person will never change. And if it hurts, so be it. It hurts, but you can grow from it. Hi, and welcome to the struggle podcast. Today I want to discuss how to disarm a narcissist. I get a lot of phone calls and I get a lot of feedback about the relationship of a narcissist and a codependent. First, we have to establish the fact that if you find yourself being in a relationship with a narcissist, then you have to realize that these are two sick people in the relationship. And I'm saying it the way it is. These are two sick people. Don't think for a second that you are okay. And there is somebody in your life who is sick, who is giving you a hard time. This is a sick relationship. This is a sick poisonous dance because the narcissist is its own character and the codependent is its own character. And together this is a very unhealthy match. Now you have to realize that a narcissist finds a healthy person. A narcissist smells a healthy person or a narcissist smells out another narcissist. The narcissist will not be there. It takes him two seconds to figure out that this guy is not his bait. And he runs for the hills and he never looks back. He forgets what that person told him in two seconds. But if that narcissist finds a codependent, ah that's where he found his match because the narcissist fills a void of the codependent and the codependent fills a void of the narcissist. And this is something that you have to realize. It has to resonate with you that 50% of the problem is you. Now, I will not say that this is easy. I will not say that it is easy to leave a narcissist while you're in a relationship with a narcissist. But at least know the truth. At least know the fact that you and him are both contributing to this misery. The narcissist will never show the real self. Never. You need to realize that that when you talk to a narcissist, when you have any encounter with a narcissist, anything the narcissist says is 100% calculated. They have a different way of how they act in public, even to the very very close people. Now, what you have to understand is very, very simple. An educated empath, an educated codependent is a nightmare for a narcissist. Nothing different than an educated victim, an educated child is a nightmare for a pedophile. Now, how do we fight pedophilia? The way to fight pedophilia is by educating the children, by schools talking to the children, by parents having conversations with the children and explaining little children that there are adults who are predators. There are adults who are sick and you are the bait. You are the victims. And when that happens, when an adult comes over to you, a stranger, and asks you to come into a park or it wants to take you in the car or any other inappropriate suggestions, then the child jumps up like a like a snake has just bitten the child. It starts yelling. It starts running to his parents and it feels that the parents are trusting. You can share this with the parents and the parents will understand and the parents will protect that child. But imagine a child or thousands of children who are not educated in the subject. This is a playing field for the pedophile. So you can run after the pedophile a 100 times. You can try to talk to the pedophile but you should know that the pedophile will not change. This is something in his mind which is very very sick and they will not change. So instead of sitting down and bargaining and explaining and crying and begging the pedophile to stop doing what they're doing, that's not going to work. So you rather go to the victim and you educate the victims. You educate little kids and you disarm the pedophile. The narcissist and the codependent is nothing different. The narcissist is a predator and the codependent and uneducated one is the victim. And this is what you need to get into your head. This is where the work is. You have to understand that you by not being educated of how the narcissist operates and by not believing the facts of the narcissist which means the narcissist will never change. asking the narcissist for mercy, begging the narcissist, walking around on eggshells, trying to please and never please the narcissist. It puts you in a very bad position. And the idea is not to argue. Don't argue with the narcissist. You will always lose. It's not worth it. It is not that if you have proof or if you're nice and if you do the nicest things in the world will change the narcissist. They will never change. They cannot change because they have no introspect. Understand? If they would want to change, they will change. But they don't want to change because you're not the abuser. They're not the ones who are suffering from you. You are the one who is suffering from them. and they are not responsible and they get away with everything and whenever you have something to say they twist it around that you end up apologizing to them. It is mindboggling and this is what the codependent has to has to learn. Disarm the narcissist by accepting the fact that you are not in control. Don't try to be manipulating. Don't try to manipulate a narcissist with your words and you will show him and you will give him and yet this time you hold back and then you give. You are lowering yourself to the same level of the narcissist and the narcissist will always win. And I got a lot of push back for that. It doesn't resonate with people. What do you mean he's never going to change? A narcissist every person changes. And how is that possible? Every person is growing. Yeah, that is the healthy person. That is a person who is still alive. That is a person who really wants something out of life. That is a healthy person who wants to change, who wants to grow. The narcissist decided that he is um king of the world. The narcissist is entitled and there's no reason for them to change in the way they live right now. They're pretty comfortable. If things go the way they want, they're pretty comfortable. So, give me one good reason they should change. One good reason. The only reason that he would want to change is if you get up and you have questions and you challenge his behavior. But if you don't challenge his behavior and he looks at you like a dummy, like you're stupid and he can say whatever he wants and he can get away with whatever he wants and he gets a kick out of getting away with whatever he wants, why in the world would they change? So this is very very important for the codependent to know. You are the child. You are the victim over here, the uneducated victim that is being tortured by the narcissist. So realize one thing. Realize that you're contributing to this dance, to this relationship because somehow somewhere the message doesn't get across your head that this person is not good for you. You still make excuses for him. You're still attracted to this person no matter the reason what. But the point is that the narcissist found a way how to push your buttons in any way, shape, or form to make you glued to the narcissist. So, in a way, you're contributing to the relationship by not being educated, not being educated about the narcissist. Because I have plenty of people who are in denial that the narcissist will change. He's not such a bad person. They're giving me all kinds of uh defenses why the narcissist behaved this way. Maybe I was a little bit wrong. Maybe I did something bad. Maybe this is the way he likes it. Maybe this is the way he doesn't like it. As codependents, you have to understand how your wiring is as well. You have to understand the narcissist's wiring and you have to understand your own wiring. So that's number one. Understand that what your position in this relationship is, which is not easy, but that's called self-reflection. That's the difference from the narcissist and the codependent. The codependent can self-reflect. The codependent can have introspect. That's what's giving hope for the codependent to still be alive. So, you have to realize that step number one is that you have to understand what your position is and what the narcissist's position is. You have to realize that the narcissist is the most dangerous person out there. The most dangerous very very smart. Understand that you operate on a different frequency. You speak different languages. You speak Russian and they speak Chinese. Whatever you're going to say, whatever you're going to do, even though you think you're also a manipulator, even though you think that I have evidence and I will show and I have text, understand that they don't speak the same language as you do. They don't. They don't understand. They are players. They have a way of thinking and that is the only way they're going to go about it. It doesn't matter if you cry. It doesn't matter if you beg. It doesn't matter if you make sense. In their eyes, you are dumb and stupid. And they don't back off. Even if they said something that makes no sense, they'll still sit and back it up again and again and again. And it doesn't really matter that you think they're a fool. They are so superior that whatever comes out of your mouth is dumb and stupid. And it doesn't really matter. It's not changing their lives in any way, shape, or form. And whatever they do as far as performance or if it's a husband or if it's a wife or whatever they do is calculated. There is a reason for it. There is no heart in it. There is no positivity in it, but there is a calculated reason for it. They operate on different frequencies than the codependent. And you have to realize that is the education that you have to know. The way you look at life is not the way the narcissist looks at life. So please don't explain, don't prove. It doesn't matter if you're thinking that, wow, I have something to show him. I will show him. What is he gonna say or she is going to say when I will show him proof and I'll show them text? It is a waste of time. It is a waste of your breath. It is a waste of your energy. Even if they would give charity. Even if they would do anything in the world that would make it sound like they are half normal people, it's a calculated 100%. You have to realize that the narcissist doesn't want to learn. That's not what the narcissist is all about. By you showing the narcissist an article, by you showing the narcissist a I want to show you something. I want to explain you something. Maybe you're going to learn from this. This is the biggest joke ever. They don't want to learn. They don't admire anybody. They don't look up at anybody. You have to understand they already know everything. They have seen everything. Don't come to me and tell me that you found something. The only time that you will see them read something or learn something or even go and and watch something important, educational. It's they will pick and choose what they take out of this lesson. They will not take out the lesson as a whole. They are not uh uh here to learn from another person. They are here to feed their own ego. So if that person says a certain thing that resonates with them, they will take it out and they will use it, but they're not looking at the big picture. That same person that said something, that same person that says something that they liked, two minutes later that person says something that they don't like. They're dismissing what that other person said. So they're living in their own bubble. They're living in their own world. They created the world. They are God themselves. They are the creators. They are destroyers. They believe that they are fully in control. Now they're not successful with everybody. And this is what you have to realize. They are successful with uneducated codependents. They are successful with people who are broken. They are successful with people who lost their self-esteem along the way. Will you go along with it? Will you obey what they tell you to do? Then you can come along for the ride. But if you have an opinion and if you want something that they have no interest in, they don't want to give it to you, then you are wasting your time. You are wasting your time talking. You are wasting your time begging. You are wasting your time crying. You are literally wasting your time with the narcissist. You are asking the narcissist for love. You are asking the narcissist for empathy. What you have to realize is that the narcissist doesn't understand love. They were never loved. They believe that love is a lie. They believe that whatever comes out of your mouth is fake. They believe that you're lying to them. They project the way they look at the world because this is the world unfortunately the way it was catered to them from a young age and they decided that this world is a dark place. This world is a fake place. And if you are coming in from a different place, you want to have a relationship with a narcissist and you're building something with a narcissist, the narcissist will say, "You are out of your mind. I don't believe a word you're saying. I'm gonna turn around and you will stab me in the back. This is the way they think. This is the way they know life. This is the way they accepted life. You see, if they find a healthy person, they will not even spend that time learning about them. They dismiss them like they don't exist. They never talk to him again. But understand that they don't sit all day and think about you. They don't sit all day and they think about the relationship. Whatever they do is about themselves. What can you serve me? They look at life as a very dark place. They look at life not the way you look at life. They don't have a vision. They don't have a future. They don't have nostalgia. They don't want memories. They have one thing. They live in the present moment. The present moment is what is it in for me? It has zero to do with you. Am I benefiting from this in any way, shape or form? Then you can have the privilege of having me. But if I need to do something from myself to another, you can wait and wait and it will never come. The codependent has to realize that relationships with narcissist never works and it will never work. It's like you waiting at the train station for a plane to arrive. It will never come. This is a relationship with the narcissist and codependency. And this is important to know because the education to understand that they will never change. They are concrete ice cold and the codependent has to realize that he or she has this weakness of giving the benefit of the doubt to the narcissist and having hope. And I'm here to crush that hope that doesn't exist. It will take you years, years, painful years of putting in energy and having hope and after all you will be disappointed. And that's what I am here to educate you. That's what I am here to tell you. You are wasting your precious time. You are wasting your precious life. What you want is the impossible. You want the narcissist to feel you. You want the narcissist to change. You want the narcissist to understand you. This is exactly the opposite what the narcissist is all about. If this is exactly the opposite of the wiring of the narcissist, what you're asking is the impossible. What you're asking him or her to do is to change from the inside out. This is something that is never going to happen because their way of thinking is completely different. They made themselves comfortable in a world of not trusting. They made themselves comfortable in a world of not loving. They made themselves comfortable in a world of understanding that everyone lies and nobody understands them and everybody betrays them. That's why a narcissist will never trust their wife. They never trust because they believe that you will stab them in the back one day. You can shower them with as much love as you want. You can shower them with money, but they have a disrespect to every human being because this is the way they look at the world. And here comes the codependent, an uneducated codependent and falls for this and really thinks I don't care how that person looks and I don't know what the codependent is attracted to, but whatever that is, it is a lie. It is plastic. And you have to know this. You have to know this in order to move on. In order for the pain to stop, in order to stop living in hell and start living a productive life, you need to realize who the narcissist is and who the codependent is. And why am I doing what I'm not supposed to do? What do I need to do? Who will a codependent ask now? After I know when it comes to a narcissist, nobody's home, now I know about codependency. I know I have this weakness. I know I have this addiction to another human being. But you're addicted to this particular person. This particular person does it for you for whatever reason that is. What should I do now? I can't take it anymore. You are in love with an illusion. And you have to really understand this. These people are the most dangerous. Dangerous, I mean the worst of the worst because they are normal people. Because they walk and they talk and they perform and they're charming. I don't care how they look. But you should know that you're dealing with plastic. You don't know what's going on in their head. You know, because a lot of times they show it to you. They show it to you by disrespecting you. They show it to you the way they talk to you. They show it to you how they make you feel small. There is a concept called no contact. There is a concept called cutting them out of your life. When I say cutting off, that means while the abuse is going on, while you feel that you're coming to a breaking point. While you feel you cannot take this anymore, while you feel that you are lying to yourself and you're giving excuses, that's when you need to cut it off and it is going to hurt. Here is where the codependency pain comes in because we are so used to this illusion. We built this up as this is meant to be. This is family. This is so important. But guess what? The narcissist does not think so. You thinking of the narcissist a half a day and you're going back and forth. What did I say? How did I say it? Did I hurt the narcissist? They're never hurt. They don't feel. They don't care. They are slick as slick can get. They get if someone tries to embarrass them, they walk out of there in two seconds. They don't feel it. In two seconds, they don't feel it. They don't remember it. They don't think about it because they look at this other person as a piece of garbage. They live on making you feel small. The negativity and the negative energy that you're getting from another person is beyond words. That person will not let you grow. That person will not let you move on with your life. That person robs you from living in Ganid. You can live in this world, believe it or not, in ganid. You don't need to live in hell. You don't need to walk on eggshells. You don't need to cover up. You don't need to run around and try to please and always miss. You can live in ganid. You're entitled to live in ganid. So what am I supposed to do? What you're supposed to do is to go no contact. It sounds harsh, but you should know that these people are vampires. These people will bring you down and it makes a huge difference on your mental health and it makes a huge difference on your physical health. You need to go no contact. No contact means cut him out of your life. Don't check your text. Don't wait for good mornings. Don't wait for the crumbs. Cut them off completely. This is while the abuse is happening. and don't look back because if you are still in the game of looking back that I'm going to show him and the day is going to come that he is going to pay a price for it. He is going to know what he missed out on. Then you're not there yet. You're still in the middle of the trauma. It doesn't really matter. It has to come to a point that that person must you must cut that person out of your life. And it doesn't matter if it's family. It doesn't matter because sometimes it could be very very close family and just because you're family or just because you're in a community that you grew up and these were your friends and this is all I know. These are my friends. This is my circle and these people are bringing you down and you find yourself in a position of being codependent. That does not give them a license to ruin your life. It does not. Where does it say that just because you were born in a community or this is your circle or you were born into a family and it's ruining your mental health not letting you live as a person that you have to stand there and take it. Now, when you will start working on yourself, when you will start working on your self-esteem, when you will start building yourself up, it's going to come a time that it's going to be indifferent. It doesn't matter what they say. It doesn't matter if they succeeded. It doesn't matter if they're successful. What does it matter to you? If it matters to you, you're still attached. And this is what we need to uproot. And this is where the healing is. The healing is that you come to a point that you forget his or her phone number. You forget it and it doesn't make a difference. It doesn't make a difference. The revenge is not important. The biggest revenge. The biggest revenge is your accomplishments. The biggest revenge is that you can walk the streets and you can feel good about yourself and you're putting yourself first. What's the difference if that person is successful or not? And that's the level where you have to get to. But no contact is okay. When a person is a sponge, a codependent usually takes over all the energy. A codependent is a person whose feelings are open wide and leaving that open being around the narcissist is very bad situation is a very bad environment for the narcissist and you have to realize that you have to distance yourself. Now there is a concept as low contact as much as you can because sometimes they're very close family and sometimes you're married to one, you have children with one. You have to be mature and you have to discuss. But at least the awareness that you know for the rest of your life that the narcissist would get old and not change. They don't change on their death breath. They never change. The only person that can change is you. And you should not give any time of the day to think about that narcissist. Not bad, not good. It has to be indifferent. You have to find your passion. You have to find meaning in life. You have to find what your mission is. You have to come back to yourself. Focus on yourself. Be realistic. Come to your senses. And the reason is because your entire life is built on another person's validation. What you have to do is to find purpose. You have to find meaning in your life. You have to connect. You have to be at peace. You have to connect to the You have to connect to Hashem. Nothing different than a 12step program of an addict. You have to understand that you are powerless. Your life is unmanageable. But this is what you have to do. You have to realize that I'm giving up. I don't need anyone's out of validation. Especially a person. It's better to be alone than sit in an abusive relationship. To me, codependency is an addiction. An addiction to other human beings. An addiction of how that person would think of me. If that person will uh will give me a compliment, it's going to mean everything to me. That is a very bad position to be in. You don't know who you are and you are constantly begging for another person to to validate you. And if that person likes you, that makes you who you are. That is a very very low and bad position. And you're being taken advantage of by predators, by narcissists. Because if it's not going to be this one, because that's what happens. Usually the first narcissist will throw you away, will discard you, and you will find another one if you're not going to heal yourself. And this is what you need to do. You need to give up on the illusion. You want a life. You want a life like everybody else, but this is not a life. And it hit you. It's okay. People are like, "Not me." People are like, "Not me. This is not real." Yes, it is real. Yes, it is real. It is okay for you to admit that you're codependent. It is okay for you to admit that you're attracted to the wrong person. And it is okay for you to admit that the person will never change. And if it hurts, so be it. It hurts, but you can grow from it. Make it as a stepping stone. Learn that new people are going to come into your life that this thing should not repeat. Learn one thing. Just because other people worship the narcissist doesn't change the facts. You know what you know. You do what's right for you. You get educated in this subject. Get connected to Hashem. Understand your mission in this world. Understand your in this world. You're going to feel fulfilled. You're going to give life meaning. Your goal should be to be the best version of yourself. If you connect to Hashem, if you understand that you have to put yourself first and everything is meant to be and everything is meant to learn from, you will succeed. I want to thank you for listening and I appreciate your