Invisible Punishment: When Silence Is Used to Control You - Joe Farkas - Life Coach - S2 - Ep4

Sometimes you have to sit shiver for the living as well. Really need to understand how deep this silent treatment cuts. This is something that is called invisible punishment. Remove yourself from this relationship. Save your own sanity. Save your own mental health. And realize there are people like this in your circle. Welcome to the struggle podcast. Today we are going to address a topic related to narcissism, related to toxic people. I want to talk about grieving the living. Grieving the living means that sometimes you have to sit shiver for the living as well. And sometimes you have to grieve a dream. We live our lives and we have vision boards in our head how we want our life to turn out. And we have good dreams. We have nice dreams. Some people have dreams about family. Some people have dreams about business. But we dream. And sometimes that dream doesn't come true. And this is what you have to realize. Sometimes you find toxic people in your circle of life. Sometimes you find people that don't align with you. But in reality, you have to understand that these people are there for you to learn a lesson. These people in your life [snorts] are there to teach you who you are, to teach you how to become a better person, to teach you how to live life better, how to live life efficiently. I want to talk about a topic called silent treatment. The good old silent treatment tool that these toxic abusers use. And I can't stress enough what kind of punishment the silent treatment is. People know about it. People call it ghosting. People give it all kinds of names. But you really need to understand how deep this silent treatment cuts into you. Now I want to explain it to you so you will understand. There was once a child who came home and he told his father, "I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to go to anymore." So the father is all concerned and asks him, "What happened? Why don't you want to go to Kaidra anymore?" He says, "The Reb hates me. My Rebi, he doesn't like me. He bothers me. I don't want to go back. I don't want to see this man." So the father naturally sits down with the child and says are you sure you didn't do anything that your rebi hates you? He says no. He says you didn't fight with friends. You didn't disturb the class. Is there any reason why you don't want to go back to Kaida? He says you have to. Everyone goes to Kaida. What are you going to do home all day? And the little child said, "I am not going back to that place. No way am I going back to that place. He hates me. I can't stand him." So the father went and called a few other kids to find out if it's true, if the rebi is such a bad Rebi that this kid can't go back to. calls the kids and the kids saying, "No, he's not such a bad Rebi." Happens to be I like the Rebi. I like him. He's a good Rebi. He tells good stories. He gives out Nash. He's a very good Rebi. He calls a few other kids. And the same thing, the Reb said the the kids say he's a very good Rebi. So, he doesn't understand what is really going down. He decides he goes down to the principal's office. He goes down to the manau and he asks the manau and tells the man what is going on in this. My son doesn't want to go to school. Every morning he's crying. He doesn't want to get on the bus. And I see it really pains him. He really is afraid to go. He doesn't want to go. Is there something I don't know? He says, "I don't know. I only get good feedback on this rabbi. This rabbi is a great rabbi. Parents tell me how good he is. The kids know what they learn. Seems to be a very good Rebi. The principal goes over to the Rebi and he tells the Rebi, "Listen, I know you have a good reputation. I know that you're a good Rebi. I see it in the report cards. I see how the kids behave. You have a handle on the class. What is really going on?" So he says, "What happened?" He says, "There's one child in your class. You have 26 students. 25 of the students love you. All of them think you're great and they're growing and you're doing a super job. But there's one child who's petrified who doesn't want to come to school. What happened? What is going on with this child? Is something off with this child? He says that you're hurting him every day. So the Rebi says, "I'm hurting the child, especially this child. I don't look at this child. I don't even ask him if he knows what we learned. I never hold him accountable. I don't talk to him. I ignore him like he would be the dust. He is the one who says that I am bothering him. I'm staying away from him with a 50ft pole. I don't want to get close to this child. I don't care about this child. [laughter] The principal said, "Ah, you are the worst rebby in the world. If you have this tool in your toolbox, of silent treatment, of ghosting a child that you don't like, that robs you the wrong way, then you're not a rebi. You're actually the worst rebby in the world. Think about it. Think about what silent treatment does. There's a little child who comes home and feels like two cents, like a garbage. You're not needed. You don't matter. And this little child can't even express it. Did he hit you? No. Did he embarrass you in public? No. Did he take away a toy from you? No. This is something that's called invisible punishment. This rabbi has a special language with this particular child. They have a language that nobody understands. 25 children in the class and nobody knows the language that this rebi has with this particular child. That is called silent treatment. And that is the most painful heart-wrenching punishment that a person who is a manipulator, a person who is sick will use against another. What silent treatment does, it's cruel and unusual punishment. It teaches you nothing. It teaches you. It teaches you you are garbage. It teaches you that you don't matter. It teaches you that you mean nothing. [clears throat] Silent treatment teaches you to behave. Silent treatment teaches you that you should think twice before you ask for what you need. Silent treatment is a punishment. A silent treatment is fear. Silent treatment makes you question your own self. Silent treatment makes you question, "What did I do wrong?" Silent treatment makes you feel that you bring nothing to the table. Silent treatment is the worst form of punishment out there. Silent treatment is confusing. Silent treatment leaves you with invisible bruises. You cannot share it with somebody. You look like a fool. There is no bruises on the outside, but in the inside, your heart is bleeding gallons of blood. Silent treatment teaches you to take abuse. Silent treatment teaches you that you don't matter. Silent treatment teaches you that you don't want to ruffle the feathers. So, this is what this toxic manipulating narcissist is doing. The narcissist is studying your behavior. The narcissist is studying your values. And then they take the same values and they use it against you. If the narcissist learns that respect is something that you uh live by, they will disrespect you. The narcissist will study you very well. And when the narcissist knows what you value, he will take those values and start playing ball with you. The game just began. What you have to realize is that you suck at this game. You suck at this game and you have to get out of the game. So long you're in the game, you will lose. Stop catching the ball. Realize who you're dealing with. And don't try to win this. Nobody ever won the game. Think about it. If you're not toxic, if you're not poisonous, and if you're not psychotic, it is impossible for you to win this game. The game is rigged. Get out of the game. Remove yourself from this relationship. They love the game. They love the game of give and take. As long as you are in the game, you will lose and you will get sick mentally and physically. You will not recognize yourself. They will bring out the worst in you. Everything that you know, everything that you learned from before, the growth and the learning and the self-improvement you did from before, they will bring you down to a point that you will not recognize yourself. We hate conflict. We hate they love conflict and they love they're good at it. They're masters at this. you will lose. The way they operate is they complain constantly. You can never please them. They hold you accountable. There's not one thing you can do to please these people. And the reason is not that you don't know how to please. The reason is not that you don't know how to do certain things or you do it wrong. The reason is that they keep you in check. They keep you on your toes because every time they will complain and every time that they will be upset, you will learn a little bit better of don't think that you accomplished something. Don't think that you deserve something. You are here to please. You are here to give. And they are afraid that if they would give you a nod or if they would give you a compliment or they would show you that they appreciate you, you will fall off. They want to keep you exactly where they want. And for that, you will try and you will fish for compliments. You will do it the second time around better than the first time and you will still not please them. These are people you can't impress. Their shop is closed for learning. They've seen it all, heard it all. You have nothing to sell to them. If they can use you, they will. And the rest is not important. What's important is what it is in for them. The disrespect these people have is they will attack your inner core. They will attack the very fabric that you are made from. This is not something that you chose. This is your life. This is your circumstances. gave this to you and you are a person who is working on yourself. You are a person who's trying to do the right thing. You are a person who is asking yourself every day, how can I be a better person? How can I be be better than yesterday? You're a person who is growing. You're a person who wants to please. You're a person which values family. You're a person who values relationships and they will just be there to destroy you limb by limb. Realize one thing that these vultures, these manipulators, these toxic individuals who can sometimes be very close, very close in your circle. Being family or being friends for years doesn't give them a license of disrespect. But this is your value and it's so important in your life that you will do anything and everything not to have conflict and they take advantage of that. They know what's important to you and you will swallow and you will sugarcoat it. But the truth is they don't care. They just don't care. But know this, they don't deserve to be in your life. They don't deserve a chair by your table. They don't see your value. They will never see your value. They don't know who you are. I don't care how long you live with that person. You can live with a person and that person never took two minutes to really see who you are as a person because it really doesn't matter to them. They need to sit with their own kind. They need to sit with people at a table with a bunch of knives and stabbing each other. They need to sit with their own. They need to sit with people who are jealous and envious of each other. They need to sit with people who disrespect each other. But that's normal for them. They invade your space and they come into you and they take advantage of the fact and they take advantage of the class. They take advantage of your stature. They take advantage of your values. that you will not lower yourself to their level. And this is painful, but you have to be aware of the truth. You don't have to take responsibility for that behavior. It is not your job. It is absolutely not your job. You have to take responsibility for the fact that you let him get away with it a couple of times. But it is not your fault. You have to know this. You have to really internalize this that it's not you. It's only about them. You're not doing anything wrong. This is called emotional immaturity. These people could be very street smart. They could be very efficient. But they lack awareness. They lack an understanding of relationships. All these people do is they wreck havoc on a family, on people around them. They leave cemeteries behind them. They leave beautiful families, beautiful futures [snorts] ripped to pieces, ripped to shreds because this is what they know. It comes from jealousy. It comes from envy. It comes from a dark place that they can fill the void. The only advice is remove yourself from the game. Remove yourself from the game because you will not win this game. You have to be on their level to win that game. And you're not. Understand something. When you play this game, this cat and mouse game, and you will go and you will get an apology, a fake apology, fake crocodile tears, and they will come back into your life, and you will stand there like a probation officer. Are you behaving? Are you quiet? And then they take their chances. They try and they push. They want to test you. And then you are now confused again. Should I let it slide? Should I let it go? Or should I step put my foot down? You're still in the game. You're still in the game. The problem with codependence is that they they have a problem giving up hope. In a way, it's a beautiful thing. You should never give up hope. But the codependents hold on to hope like their life depends on them. Codependents are very smart. Codependents are also very sharp. Codependents are also very deep thinkers. But they love to hold on to hope. Hope that is not there. Not with this creature. There is no hope. This kind of hope works against them. There is a person Sonni Pearlman who is an addiction specialist. He said that he wants to invent the codependent doll. The way it works is you throw that doll at the wall and the doll says, "I'm sorry." This is in a nutshell what a codependent does. The codependent is trained from the silent treatment, from the ghosting, from being held accountable, from not from not being appreciated for who that person is, from being attacked, your inner [clears throat] core, your fabric of who you are. The codependent is trained to say, "I'm sorry." Even though you're being thrown at the wall. This awareness is very, very important. Very, very important. At least know the emas. Know the truth. See the illusion. Don't live in La La Land. What is love? You always hear people saying that I love him or I love her. What is love? It says in the surro it says that you have to love every [snorts] Eid. So what is love? Love is when you love what the other person loves. So how do you love every because if you love and you know that loves every it is not possible for you to love without loving every it's very simple. It is not possible to love a person if you don't love what the other person loves. That means that when someone is getting married the second time around and the spouse brings in a child. And if the the husband or the wife does not love the spouse's child, that husband does not love the wife. Because if you know that at the inner core this mother loves her child, you must love that child. Disrespect means that you don't love what the other person loves. And it's okay, but at least you're aware and you know where you're standing. It's better to be alone than be surrounded with strangers and with enemies. who wish you bad. That feeling of not needing to please. That feeling of not being held accountable for everything that you value is priceless. People ask me, "How long should I wait? How long is this going to last?" I know the truth. I know what I know. But the truth is, you have to know there's no timelines. The truth will come out. Eventually, the mask falls. This kind of shenanigans, this kind of behavior cannot last. It cannot it can go on for a while if you're in the game and when the table turns you have a good five minutes but then the table turns the other way. But the em is with you. You have to know what you know. If you are on a self-improvement journey, you have to know not to blame yourself, not to question yourself. Don't think for a second that your behavior or your being has anything to do with their behavior. You have to be at peace with yourself knowing that what you're doing is right. Your heart is in the right place. You have the with you. You think before you talk. You respect people. You want to be a good person. Then the emis is with you. It doesn't really matter how long it's going to take. You need resilience. You need patience. We are not in charge in this world. Let theam run this world. Let theam do his thing. I'm not a judge. I don't judge. I'm not going to make nobody pay consequences. I'm just going to let the do his thing and I'm going to learn from this. Not going to be upset. Not going to be nervous. I'm not going to go around and trying to explain myself. I'm just going to be aware. It's good enough for me that I know the truth and I know the MS. You have to realize with these narcissistic manipulators vampires, they're not here to grow. They're not here to learn. They're here to survive. They're here to destroy, not to build, not to create. Their masks will eventually fall. They will lose the game at the end. You just have to sit by the side and watch it. It's a choice they made. There is a ton of resources. There is a ton of help out there. All you have to do is to have introspect. But you can't give this to another person. And you can't buy love. You can't. It's not a transaction. It comes from a different place. You have to incorporate the abanchelum in your life. Without the abanchelum living or having manipulators and toxic people around you, it is impossible to do it on your own. Connect to the be grateful. asum how you can learn from this. It's not about anger. It's not about revenge. It's about removing yourself from toxicity. It's not your job to point out to the world to save the world from these monsters. Save your own sanity. Save your own mental health. and realize there are people like this in your circle. And this is the message. It is okay to grieve a living person. It is okay to grieve a dream that you had. You made this dream yourself. It is a beautiful dream. It is a beautiful vision. But that doesn't mean that it's going to be like that. And it's okay. It is not a weakness to grieve. It is protection. It is protecting yourself. So you can be around for the people who appreciate you. So you can be around the people who love you. So you can be around for the people who want to learn from you. who you who add something to their lives. All I can say is that you should have k and you should have the das to overcome any difficulty, any challenge you have in your life. I appreciate your time and thank you for listening.