The Shocking Truth About "Tough Love" Parshat Beha'alotecha - Rabbi YY Jacobson

I want to read to you a letter that I received by email. It was this Sunday or Monday, I don't know, yesterday or two days ago. And uh I'm going to read it to you verbatim. It came from a woman who participated last Shabas. I was in Cleveland for what's called Kesher Navsi. Kesha Navshi for those who don't know is an organization that is that helps parents who are struggling with their children and uh they make a few conventions a few retreats a year over here in the United States of America most of them in the tri-state area in Europe in Arit Israel and other places and uh I have been at many of these uh Shabaton retreats they're really uh phenomenal uh occasions Because you're talking about it's usually hundreds and hundreds, sometimes more than a thousand uh couples, fathers and mothers who are there for one purpose to be able to see how to help their children, how to help themselves, how to help their family situation with the various struggles that they encounter with their children. It's a very very vulnerable place. That's what's so refreshing about it. People are extremely vulnerable because they have been uh cracked open as you say as we say by life circumstances. You know sometimes you go to events and everybody's [snorts] walking around you know Prince Madonna uh perfect everything is impeccable and flawless but over there there is a sense of authenticity and vulnerability. There was so this past it was in Cleveland was a very very memorable there were a few hundred uh probably I don't know 200 or 250 couples was also a special program for teenagers for siblings of children who are struggling and the next day Sunday I get an email from a woman who was obviously there and this is what she writes to me. I listened I just listened to you yesterday before shall you made me laugh and cry which is very rare. I find myself alone here in the belief that the whole concept here is unconditional love no matter what. I don't agree. I don't think the Tory agrees with this either. Sor wanted Yeshal out for being a bad influence. Ara was told by Hashem to listen to Sarah's voice and expel Yesh. Our great-grandparents and above them beyond them used to sit shiva when a child lost their way to Yiddish. Now we accommodate the worst behaviors the worst sins all in the name of Pikesh saving their life. I had a very hard time hearing speakers about letting their daughters boyfriends in the house. One of them spoke about buying a bed, soundproofing their room just because their daughter is suicidal. If she doesn't get her way, therefore we have to preserve her life at all costs. What about the three sins of Yahurik Valy? There are three sins for which you're supposed to die and not transgress them. Don't these apply nowadays? And if your children are performing these sins, maybe they should die. So she's suicidal. So why is that more important than these sins? Is all of this part of gentle parenting? Is this what became trendy today? We're applauding for putting Hashem second and our children first. After hearing this, the entire Shabas I am nauseated. Hashem should not be put second after our children. Our children should be put second after Hashem. And now I wonder why am I the only one that seems to feel this way here? So I wondered what your thoughts were. Thank you. I felt it's important to address not just to this person individually but at a class because this is a voice that's coming from a genuine space. I mean I don't know this person individually. I'm just discussing the content and even though there are some very intense, harsh and painful words here, but it's important to address because here's a woman who says, "I was educated a certain way." I believe this is a form of education that was passed on for hundreds of generations, thousands of years. She heard the stories about parents ripping their garments, sitting shiva, when there was intermarriage, when children left the fold. These are well-known stories from Eastern Europe, Poland, Hungary, Galitzia, Eastern Poland, Russia, Lithuania, etc. And now here the whole Shabas, she's hearing a very different niggan, as they say, a very different melody. And what it sounds to her is like God always comes second. Make sure your children are smiling and fine. If God fits into that, amazing. And if not, right, God, you got to wait. We have to make compromises. As this woman says, she's nauseated. It makes her nauseous. It makes her feel repulsive. And she also wonders, is she the last normal one left standing that everybody lose their way. >> She also said she doesn't. [laughter] >> Okay, now you're psychoanalyzing. She also said she doesn't laugh or cry usually. So, you're connecting the two parts of the letter. Okay, [laughter] feminine to feminine, I should stay out of this. I have to know my my boundaries. It's an important question because even if different people may not ask it in the same way and a mother's heart is very very large, I'm going to have to lecture about that to this audience. Nonetheless, in all situations, this is a very fair question. Even if it's not stated with such intensity, you know what are the limits? Is there a time you say this home can't be your home? This is as parents sometimes say as a father told me this is my Shabas table. This is my Shabas table. There is decorum. There is etiquette. There is appropriate behavior. You're a grownup. You're not two years old. Take responsibility. You think when I was a child everything was rosy and perfect. Is there room for that? Or as another woman told me at the Shabaton, we're raising snowflakes. Those are words. We're raising a bunch of snowflakes. Fragile, emaciated, thin, weak kids. She says, I want to tell my children, you experience something painful, great for resilience. Great for resilience. Build up your resilience. Every time you're pushed away, become a stronger person. That's what happened. That's what I was told. That's what I tried to do. This was ver this was balen not. This was during the chabas. And so the truth is such emails of different natures and different kinds and different points of emphasis I receive not just once or twice but many many times sometimes people in the field of education principles teachers and of course parents and of course the great proof is Sara Sara was also a fine woman no she didn't go to Kashar Navi I guess okay was her husband husband's son. It wasn't her son, but it was hugger son. It was her husband's son. And she said, "Out." And Ara said no. And he asked God. And guess what? Lovey Dovey God said listen to S. Listen to Sara. Right. Great proof. Like what do you want? Where do you want? What what do you want better proof? There was an argument husband and wife. Husband said, "Let's accommodate. It's fine. We're going to work it out. It's his home. He needs safety. And Sorah said, "Absolutely not. It's not going to work out." Godem says to Sor is correct. Great great question. So it's also connected to Paras. It's really a very general question. Has extreme liberalism contaminated many parts of the Jewish community, including the Orthodox Jewish community, including what you would call the ultraorththodox Jewish community, whether the Cassidic world, the litish world, the orthodox world in all of its colors and spectrums, but it's been heavily heavily contaminated, affected, tarnished. Has a new distorted form of Judaism been created using nice sources which are usually fluff in order to justify deviant behavior and tolerate tolerate what was at least by many once intolerable and nonforgivable and completely nonacceptable. Is it possible that very modern progressive ideas and thoughts have creeped in into our psyche and now they have become mainstream Yiddishkite shurim lectures, seminars, even shabatones and retreats preaching pontificating what many would argue is a distorted form of Judaism even if it sounds very very loving. Have many taken ideas of Tyra, of Kazal, of our sages, and had a makeover, a plastic surgery, so that they fit in to the norms of today, to the progressive norms of today, so that everybody could say we're normal, we're loving, we're progressive. Have we forgotten our tradition our massura when it comes to pedagoguy when it comes to respecting father and mother when it comes to kino when it comes to relationship between parents and children and and I'm talking about all the communities I'm not here single-handedly highlighting this one or that one have we all become carbonas victims of a philosophy that the external secular world without moral norms and boundaries have imposed upon us and on the altar of modernity We are sacrificing our beautiful children. Did Rabbi Ywi present the question? Well, >> okay. >> Okay. Thank you. And of course, everybody knows the sources. Isn't there a mish in Proverbs chapter 13? He who spears the rod hates his child. Spearing the rod is love or hate. It's hate is a strong word means loathe you detest this personal says if you love your child then you rebuke you don't spear so don't spare the rod there's a famous medish in the beginning of and the medish says there if somebody uh prevents themselves from educating disciplining correcting their child, they allow them often to go into de to become deviant and end up in very very negative places. And today people talk about containment, hold space, compassion, empathy, just smile. Mish says, "Don't be afraid of your rebuke. Don't be afraid of Mus Hashem. That's what's going to grow. That's going to make you grow. The Gmorrah says with one hand bring close. With one hand push away boundaries. BOUNDARIES. AND WHAT ABOUT THE GARRA SAYS call me somebody who has the ability to protest negative behavior and remains compliant, acquiesces, remains silent. I don't want to be confrontational. I don't want to flutter anybody. They bear responsibility. What happened to all of this? And who can protest more than parents who are right there in the house and therefore should be yelling or at least protesting great great and important questions for toughen pay v. And truth be told at least some say I'm one of the culprits. maybe not I don't think the only culprit but I'm one of the culprits in many of the classes and so on and so forth. So I want to begin with a story that Abel had shared with me um and he told me it was it was just it was it was very moving to me and insightful because I think it opens up a vista to an honest reflection about this without the need to mince words without the need to cut corners and without the need to fit into any agenda. liberal or conservative, right-wing or left-wing, progressive or ancient, but really get to a a deeper place of truth of what the Torah teaches us. And this person shared with me that uh there was an educator in theidic world of bells, which is a very large group centered in with the bellba, whose name is Dove Rayak Shalita. The previous bel was who passed away in 1957. He had no children. and they were all killed and ultimately his nephew was yet then a very young child but he took over years later in the 60s and today it's a very big community. So an educator went into the chamber of the Belerba and he asked a question [snorts] and here's the question. According to the law of the land, according to the legal law, you're not allowed to spank your student in class even for educational purposes. But do some remember how we grew up? I'm not going to get very very specific here especially to our young mothers here but in when I was a kid not only did they not mince words they also did not mince p I don't know how it was in the girls school but I know it was happening in the many of the boys school there was once a teacher who told one of the boys he says after I'm going to give you such a that this month you're going to bless the moon standing on the moon. This was very very regular, very very common. Today, of course, it's illegal. And this person asked the Belba, "What about it? What if it's necessary? What if it's necessary to give a child fres to give a child?" You know what fres? Yeah. You can't say it in English. It's a patch, a spanking. What if it's necessary? He says I know not from anger not because I'm an impulsive uh selfish angry angry man that I know is wrong at least that's but still if it's for educational purposes the kid needs to learn a lesson he's making h wreaking havoc disruptive IN THE CLASS SAYS YOU SPEAR the rod he uses the word rot [snorts] that means that's what the says ARE WE COMPROMISING THE because of legalities because We don't want to be sued by the PARENTS FOR $10 MILLION which will make us bankrupt and that's the only reason we don't do it. I have to say a number of weeks ago I was at an event with teachers with educators in a particular school, a very very very religious school. And [clears throat] there was an argument put up against me by some people there for saying that spanking children is absolutely unnecessary and in my view ridiculous. Ridiculous. And this is a few weeks ago. They were arguing with me. They said, "No, that's not true. This is pure left-wing spineless liberalism." This is what the person asked about Belerov. Now, this is what he answered. He said, 'I want to you should open up ashes and I want to point out something and I want you to explain to me a very strange evolution of a translation. And here we need a little bit context and that is as you know the Tyra was given as the Jewish people come out of Egypt and we know the year 2,448 years since creation 2448. If you want to make the calculation, it's exactly 3,338 years ago. You remember, you know how I knew that? I made the calculation 2448 to 5786. If I'm not mistaken, you're a mathematicians here, you know. If I'm not mistaken, 3338 years ago was terra was given. The text of terra we have terror. Then over the generations translations and commentary have been transcribed to make it explainable. The most famous is Tarum Unkus. Tarum Unkus is a Aramaic translation written by a man named Unkus who according to most commentaries was a convert. He was one of the Roman he was Roman who converted to Judaism and became one of the great sages of his time and wrote to Taramunul. Taramunulus is seen till today as sacred. In fact, Friday there's a mitzvah to be said. We say each pusk twice and the tarum once tumulus. The gumar says in migila that the tarumulus is so authoritative considered given from sinai even though then it wasn't necessary to have the araic translation. That's now how much time passed. So if you look at it, the Jewish people came into Israel 40 years after Matra 440 years later builds the Bamed 410 years later it's destroyed and they go into exile. So 440 from they went when they went into Israel which is 480 from Matra and then another 410 years the Bameik stands. So you're 890 years for mat is 70 years there in gulus and then they come back to build the b mikdash. So it's around 900 and change years after mat they build the second which stands for 420 years. So and then it's destroyed which means around 1,400 years after mat the second bdish is destroyed so really takes root around 1500 years later mishna gimmar etc. And that's when comes out. So you're talking about between a,00 and500 years after matra we have tamulos the bamedish gets destroyed the Jewish people go into exile one of the most famous commentaries probably the most famous is rashi rashi lived when in the 11th century rashi lived he passed away in the year 1096 rashi lived in France as we know Rashi lived in Troy Rashi lived through the first the crusades at least the first crusade and Rashi wrote a commentary that sec was destroyed in the year 70 after the common era. Rashi lives in the 1000s. That's 1,000 years. 1070. 1,000 years since the now since Rashi. We're now 2026 around a thousand years after Rashi. And we still learn Rashi every day. So Belzerba said, "We're going to take a p see what Mosher Rabenu wrote in the Torah dictated by the by then let's see how Unkus translates it. And then let's see how Rashi translates it. Now usually Unulus always sticks to literal interpretation. He's not a medish that expounds and shows hints and allegorories and explains things. It's literally very very literal. There are exceptions. When he feels that the literal translation is inaccurate for whatever reason, he gives you an explanation. But very rarely sticks to the it's just in Aramaic. Almost always rashi is of course a commentary more elaborate but still rashi says I am here first and foremost to explain the literal let's remember the context you could look in your source sheet and you'll have it the context is a very perplexing and fascinating story and we're not today going into the actual story even though that would be fascinating other years we discussed the story of Miriam's criticism of her baby brother Mosher Rabenu but at the end of paralysis Out of the blue, suddenly Miriam and Aaron are having a conversation about baby brother Misha who's not a baby anymore. He has become the great prophet of the Jewish people, but Miriam is his older sister. She was 6 years older. And he she looked after him. She's of course responsible for saving him when she went and called her mother to be able to nurse the baby years before that. At this point, everybody is much much older. Mosher Rabenu is 80 or 81. Miriam is 86 or 87. So Miriam speaks about Mosha and what does he speak? She speak about he speaks about his wife. He has a wife Isaac Kushes. What she says the Tory does not tell us. It's all written in codes and hints. But there is a conversation that she has with her brother Aaron about Mosha's marriage. Here the commentaries really really went on a journey to figure out and decipher what did Miriam say? Doesn't say what she said. What did she say about the marriage? What did she say about the woman? The only thing it says she said is Rabenu is not the only prophet. We have also heard God speak. So there was something connected to his marriage and his prophecy. And there's so many different interpretations. You have Rash and you have Ramban, you have Evanzra, and you have Rashb and you have Sephoro. It's fascinating from one extreme to another extreme and a lot of attacks and criticism. How could you say this? How could you say that? At the end, Hashem reveals himself to Miriam and Aaron and Mosha and Hashem starts giving them a lecture about who Mosher Rabenu is. The Tyra says Mosha was the most humble person on the earth in this story and the Ramban explains that the means to say that he would never answer and fight back because he was in a different league. He was completely completely humble. So as they were criticizing him, he did not say anything. So God said, "You know what? I'm going to do the talking for him." And Hashem defends Mosha to them and he gives them a whole lecture about Mosha's prophecy that if it's this different magnitude, how can one not have awe and reverence when speaking about Mosher Ra? And some of the most glorious words about who Mosha was come out in this story as a result of Miriam and Aaron's criticism about Mosha's marriage. And then Miriam becomes a leper. She becomes a matra. She's suddenly white like snow. She has white patches like snow. And the continues hash. So Mosha who actually is the one who is the subject of the story because they were talking about him cries out to Hashem saying five words. Oh God please heal her. Heal my sister. Hashem tells y if her father you know what yo is spit yure is a spit. If her father would have spat in her face, and he uses the word twice, if he would have spat in her face, would she not feel shame for seven days at least? Therefore, so let her be quarantined outside of the camp for seven days and then she'll come back. So he's making some comparison here. If her father would spit in her face, she would feel the need to quarantine herself for seven days. So that's what should happen as she became a leper. Miriam went out of the camp for seven days and the people did not budge until Miriam was readmitted. The whole nation, millions of Jews, everybody waited put as respect for Miriam. Okay. Yurak yurak means spat. It's in Hebrew. Comes remember written more than a thousand years later. And the tarumulus or at least revealed more than a thousand years later. And the tigun says next and said Moshe to Moshe no. Anybody knows what maf means? Nifa. Anybody knows what nifa is? Come on, you learned Hebrew in Yashar. You should know Hebrew. The word nifa means rebuke. That's what the word nifa means. So he says if her father would have rebuked her, she would have felt embarrassed for seven days. Interesting. That's not what the Ta says. says if her father would have spit spit at her the tigulas could have translated yor he changes it maf if her father would have rebuked her [snorts] fascinating comes rashi rashi is a thousand years later which translation is he going to use maybe he doesn't even have to translate it rashi doesn't translate the Hebrew words he's assuming the student knows he sometimes translates It's complicated words that are not known. He'll sometimes even give a French translations because he lived in France. He calls it. But here you don't even need a translation. But Rashi says something. Rashi. If her father would have shown her a a somber face, punima face is like a downcast face, like an introspective, contrite, saddened face. She would have been embarrassed for seven days. This is fascinating. The Torah says spits. The tiger a thousand years later says rebuke, which is not spitting, it's rebuking with your mouth. And Rashi cuts that out and he says if HE SHOWS HER A FACE and the Belzerba said to was written 3,338 years ago said spit tiger a thousand years later says rebuked. Rashi a thousand years later says show her a sour face. And now we live a thousand years after Rashi. And now we live a thousand years after Rashi. So be careful even with that sour face. Okay, granted very uh what you call in Yiddish a powerful insight to see what is happening here. But now I'm going to raise the question on the bellb if I may. So you brought a proof or actually I should say the question is on rashi on uncleos. Why did you distort the text? You're embarrassed. [laughter] We anyone you going to start changing the text if it's divine? We don't start distorting text because we don't like something. What happened here? What does it really mean? And the monk always tenaciously sticks to the text. The Torah doesn't say he rebukes her. IT SAYS HE SPITS. RASHI ALSO STICKS to the text. This needs to be explained because this explanation is vital and indispensable to understand the truth about what to education is. And in order to explain this, I'm going to introduce the person who's considered the greatest authority in history, the Rambamu, who lives a little bit after Rashi. He lived 100 years after Rashi. Rashi I told you lived in the 11th century, passed away at the end of the 1000s. OS and Irram was born 1135 approximately and he lived for 70 years 11 he passed away 1204 of course in different countries Rashi lived in France he moved to Germany he went back to France dram was born in Spain he fled the almahads moved to Morocco to fez in Morocco then escaped to the holy land and then escaped to Egypt where he lived till the end of his life dram in his famous mission his magnum opus his work has a section called which means the laws of ethics or the laws of of a person's mindset and there he speaks about one of the most famous mitzvah called mitzvah what's mitzvah it's the says you should rebuke your fellow in other words if I see somebody doing something wrong immoral inappropriate the vision is you don't SAY LIVE AND LET LIVE I COULDN'T CARE LESS do whatever you want no that's not caring means I should actually rebuke the person what's the definition if I were to ask you what's the definition of this mitzvah it seems not complicated the definition of the mitzvah is to rebuke somebody who's doing something wrong it's not so complicated what's the definition of the mitzvah of lighting shabas candles it's not complicated light a candle take a match and light a candle or write it through another source. What's the definition? What's the mitzvah of separating kala? The answer is you take part of the dough and you separate it. It used to be given to a kayan to eat. Now they can't eat it because of impurity. So we burn it. You don't eat it yourself. Okay, we get it. What's the mitzvah of giving sodaka? To give charity to somebody who's destitute. So what's the definition of the mitzvah of seems very straightforward. To rebuke, to challenge, to give muser to somebody who's doing something inappropriate. That's not how the Rambam defines it, which is very strange. And I want you to see because in the Rambam's words are very, very meticulous. He sees here with one little what seems change. He opens up our minds, our eyes to how you have to understand this says the Rambam. Take a look in your next source second to the last Rambam. The laws of ethics chapter 6, section 7. If somebody sees that his friend has sinned or he has gone down a non-g good path either I see my friend has sinned or is following a path that is really not good saysam mitzvah now here is what I would expect him to say mitzvah to rebuke him it's a mitzvah to tell him don't be quiet say something speak up. The Rambam says mitzvah, what's the mitzvah? The mitzvah is to help him come back to goodness, to help him come back to holiness, to morality. And then the to notify him that he's sinning on himself. He's hurting himself through his negative actions. You should rebuke your fellow. So when the Rama wants to define the mitzvah, he doesn't say there's a mitzvah to rebuke him. He says that after you have to tell him. But what's the first definition? The mitzvah of is not to rebuke. It's to help the person come back to goodness. But that's not true. The doesn't say that. The says the mitzvah is to rebuke. The Rambam is teaching us the true definition of the mitzvah. What is mitzvah? What is the mitzvah? To rebuke somebody whom I care for, a friend, a child, a student, anybody. What is the definition of the mitzvah? A person might think the definition of is I expressed myself. I told you you're wrong. I let out my nerves. I said what I had to say. I demonstrate how angry I am, how upset I am, how nauseated I am, how disappointed I am, how slighted I am, and how wrong this is. And maybe even if I don't have nerves, I'm doing it actually objectively. But what's the objective? To tell you that you're doing something wrong. That's the objective. That's what you would say. Hopefully, you're not angry. Hopefully, you can do it nicely. Hopefully you can do it pleasantly. But that is exactly the point. The point is to tell you what you're doing wrong. Comes and says you missed the mitzvah. The mitzvah is mitzvah. The mitzvah is one thing to help this person. [laughter] That's the mitzvah. He changes it not to rebuke them, to help them. Wow. He takes that mitzvah and he says you could read it and so say you did the mitzvah I came to you and I said this is wrong what you did the says that's not the mitzvah that may be one way of doing it the mitzvah is actually to help the other person what's the difference if you say it this way YOU SAY IT THIS WAY THE BOTTOM LINE IS YOU GOT TO REBUKE them I'll tell you the difference the difference is what happens if I see somebody who's behaving inappropriately. Objectively, they're behaving inappropriately. So, I want to do the mitzvah. I go over and I say, "What you're doing is wrong." Maybe even with a smile. What you're doing is wrong. What you're doing is forbidden. You're ruining your life. You're destroying your life. This is against what Hashem wants. This is against your own soul. It's really, really immoral. It's promiscuous. It's a betrayal of God's will. Okay, I did the mitzvah. I go home. I'm a happy camper. I get checklist. I have another checklist today. Not only did I dav, not only did I learn, not only did I say tom, I also did mitzvah. I saw xyz do xyz or dress xyz or say xyz and I said xyz checklist. God, an extra piece of the >> [laughter] >> and an upgrade in Alam Haba, better air condition, a jacuzzi, not just a regular amhaba, another checklist. And it's no question I did the mitzvah, at least that's what I'm telling myself. And I feel good about myself. And even if I feel pain about the fact of what happened, but the fact is I did my obligation. But then there's another person who actually doesn't tell this person what they're doing wrong. They actually befriend them. They connect to them. They freely love them. They spend time with them. They become emotionally close to them. They open up their hearts to them. And in the process, this person changes. This person evolves spiritually. This person does Chuva. And now at the end you have to ask the question who fulfilled the mitzvah of the first person rebuked them. The second person never rebuked them according to the Rambam who fulfilled the mitzvah of it's very obvious not the first one the second one because the mitzvah is the mitzvah is to actually help the person. Most people would say that's not true. The first guy rebuked him. Theam says you got it wrong. So now here is the question. Here's the question. In every situation when you really care to do God's will, you know the first question you have to ask yourself. What is going to help this person? That's the first question. That's what the Ram is teaching us. If you REALLY CARE ABOUT GOD AND HIS WILL, GREAT. GREAT. Ask that question. What is going to help this human being? What will uplift them? What will make them feel more inner dignity? What will help them heal whatever they have to heal? What will help them see whatever you feel they should be seeing? What which explains something else that's very very strange. This is an insight I saw by Rabbi of Kamitki who was taken of terraas passed away 1986. of Kamki. So tell as I say for and over there I saw I think it's a paras one of the paras he says something very very interesting if you look at your last source there's a page 16b the asks a question how long are you responsible to rebuke somebody meaning when do you stop once twice 100 times 900 times when do you stop telling this person it's Wrong. It's wrong. Do you ever stop? Rav says until the guy gives you a fr. Guy wants to hit you. Fine. You're done. Says no. He doesn't have to hit you. Even if he curses you. Once he curses you out, you're done. You finish the mitzvah. He doesn't even have to curse you. If he rebukes you, he's like, "Get out of my leave me alone. Leave me." He rebukes you. He gives you muser for for chastising him. You're done. You're done. The mitzvah. Ask Kamki a simple question. He says, "I don't understand. We don't have this with any other mitzvah that the garra says when do you have to stop doing the mitzvah?" And then say IF SOMEBODY GETS UPSET at you, you don't have to do the mitzvah. If somebody is eating kosher and somebody gets upset AT THEM AND SAYS, "I DON'T WANT YOU TO EAT THIS. I DON'T WANT YOU TO EAT THIS." YOU HAVE SOMETIMES children who become baluva. They come home and their parents are very upset with them that they're eating kosher for example, right? and they get rebuked. Do you say, "Okay, no more kosher. Let's get back to bacon and eggs." We never say that. A mitzvah is a mitzvah. Of course, if a person is going to die, then death is saving a life comes first. But this person is not going to he rebuked you. So he rebuked me. So therefore, I don't do a mitzvah. Suddenly has all these limitations. If he hits you for sure not, if he curses you FOR NOT AND SAYS EVEN IF HE JUST TELLS YOU OFF, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHASTISE HIM. WHY NOT? SO HE TOLD ME OFF. Do you understand now the reason? Because the point of the mitzvah of is not to tell somebody that they did something wrong. The mitzvah of is what? To help them. It's to help them. It's to reach their heart. If the person is cursing me out as a result of the of course there's no mitzvah. The point of the mitzvah is not for me to TELL YOU HOW DISAPPOINTED I AM. The point of the mitzvah is not to express my anger and agitation. That you should do when you stretch. Pilates, yoga, gym, therapy, ice coffee, whatever it is, cheesecake, kalupus, you should find ways. That's not the mitzvah. The mitzvah is to help the person. If the person now is cursing me or the person is rebuking me, say, "I'm not interested. Leave me alone." So our sages say your mitzvah is gone because at this moment saying this you're not helping them. So Ryakob says that's the reason the gammor can ask this question by other mitzvah you don't say this. Oh person I'm on a plane I have I'm in an airplane I have TO PUT ON SOMEBODY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OH I'M NOT FROM BECAUSE SOMEBODY doesn't like it. If your life is not in danger you have TO DO THE MITZVAH. SOMEBODY DOESN'T LIKE IT. SUDDENLY BY everything shifts because that's what happens when you strip a mitzvah from its soul from its meaning. If the mitzvah is just I REBUKED YOU. I TOLD YOU you're a shik. WHATEVER I DID I DID THE MITZVAH. Then I don't care. If you scream at me I'll DO IT EVEN MORE. I'M some people the more you co curse me I'll scream even more. The more you rebuke me I'll do it even more. Here he says suddenly the whole mitzvah is gone because you're missing the point. The point is not you screaming. The point is not you rebuking. The point is not you letting out energy. The point is not even letting out your frustration. Do that in other ways. It's one point. How am I going to help this person is based on connection. It's based on attachment. It's based on actually caring. Caring. And because it's based on caring, there's always one and most important question. And that is how do I help this child, this teenager, this student, this friend. Will these words fulfill the words of the Rambamut? Bring them back, help them heal, help them grow, help them become happier, help them become ultimately a hashem, servants of God. war maybe the opposite which now brings us to this big question one second Hashem told Sarah Hashem told the woman get rid of your this special woman asked a question I don't understand everybody's smarter than God great question great question so important to address [gasps] and as good Jews you don't just answer a question first you ask answer a question with another So now it's see so important when we pluck out one detail you know you pluck out one isolate one detail you lose the bird's eye view and sometimes you miss the point again who was the person who yes was threatening who was the person that Sorah was worried about she said I don't want in the house he's bothering he's provoking say he was shooting arrows he was endangering him was other things that were elements of it was not good stuff it messy. So she was trying to protect and hashem told yes unfortunately this is what has to happen. You got to gosh got to go. Now, isn't it interesting? Yitzk himself has a child who is and it's not like Yitzk didn't know the Torah says that Yitzk saw that Asov married two women was extremely aggravated by the choice as Rashi says they used to burn incense for pagan idolatry. It's what affected Yitzk's eyesight. It's what affected Yitzk's consciousness. He was very upset. Later when Yakov comes to take the blessings and YaKob says, "God helped me." And what does Yitzk say? This can't be as a shame. Asov doesn't mention Hashem. So even though a person thinks naive, he didn't know K knew enough ABOUT ASOV AND HE ALSO HAD A SMART WIFE, RIFCO could have filled him in. don't understand your own father who was the paradigm of threw out his son. So what should have done? THROW OUT [screaming] THROW OUT. INSTEAD, WHAT DOES THE SAY? He loved as and not only that, he wanted to bless him over. Isn't that interesting? We live three 4,000 years later and this says, "THROW OUT YOUR KIDS WAS THERE. HE HIMSELF BETRAYED WHAT GOD TOLD HIS FATHER. WHAT A BUSHER. WHAT A SHAND. And how ungrateful you are. YESH WAS THROWING OUT FOR YOU. NOW IT'S YOUR TIME AND YOU IN THAT GENERATION AND SUDDENLY HE doesn't do it. Fascinating. What does this teach us? This teaches us if God tells you TO THROW OUT YOUR CHILD, THEN throw him out. But if God doesn't tell you to throw out your child, you think hard and big whether to do that because even Asovitzk kept right near him, very very close to him and would not expel him. Somebody once told me, I'm going in the of Aram and Sor I'm throwing OUT MY SON. GOOD IDEA, not idea. I said, no problem, but do one more thing. Aram didn't only throw out Yeshal. You know who else went with Yeshal? His mother. So I SAID, "NO PROBLEM. EXPEL YOUR SON. EXPEL HIS MOTHER. AND PROBABLY YOU'LL MAKE THEM BOTH HAPPY." I didn't say the last line. I didn't say the last. [laughter] I'm not so mischievous. But I was thinking about that. [snorts] SEND AWAY THE SON. NO PROBLEM. BUT SEND HIS MOTHER WITH HIM. Send his mom. You want to send him away? No problem. Give him his mom. That's what did another elemental is not considered a Jew. Hashem told Abrau Yitzk is the lineage of Judaism. It's a clear pock is your son and still Abrau didn't want to DO IT AND HASHEM told him after when it says about every single Jew that he or she is sacred nation is referring to every single soul. Every single soul it says it's a piece of Hashem. Be very very careful before you write such a person off. Be very very cautious. What is even more fascinating is Hashem told to expel Yesh from his home. And it says in Pirzar that Ara would frequently go visit his son Yish. So understand Hashem said get rid of him but he never told him don't go visit him. And Ara would go and you know what's an interesting thing by Aram's funeral the Tyra says who was there to bury him? And yes, I thought he was thrown out decades ago. He was thrown out as a kid. He was an old man when Abrau died. Ramin was 175 years old. Yeshal was born when Abram was 100 was 86 years old. Aram was an al he was close to 100. He was estranged from the family for a century almost. How did he end up at the Leva? Not only that, it says, he lets go before him. So says CHUVA WHERE WHAT [screaming] WAS KABAD HOUSE SOMEWHERE in midbar that was mish and hag I never heard of that I never heard of that what HAPPENED WHO DO THERE WAS SOME ORGANIZATION THERE THAT WHAT happened is deuva a century later I thought HE WAS THROWN OUT BY HIS OWN father that's not a recipe for chuva the answer is of would visit his son of Rome would visit says that has a fascinating story is one of the early madras of Rabzar Hag the teacher of Rabaka that went to visit and uh he uh he was greeted by the wife by a woman and he said can I speak to you and she said he's out for work and she was very very uh unpleasant and inhospitable and uh Abrau left a message for Yishal how uh how hospitality was so precious by them and how disappointed he was by the nature of hospitality of his wife and ultimately that marriage didn't work out and married somebody else and Aram came back and she was so hospitable to him and Arau was so happy and the bottom line is even in such a situation Abrainu did not sever the connection there's a Jew his name is he's I heard the story from him. He said it in the name of the person it happened with. He even said, you know, he knows the name of the person and the family of the person. And he said he heard it directly from him. This is a boy who came from Kin Carlin. He was from a family of kinidim and they lived they made it to the holy land. This is before the war or middle of the war and they lived in Kyifa. He became an orphan at a very young age. He had no parents. So he grew up you remember Diskin. Maybe you still get male. [laughter] the discan basim discin inlay was founded I think in the 1880s and he grew up in the basaim discin in an orphanage home he became older he had no family so he was alone in the world he was broken he was dejected he had no home he had no family support and he completely left Yiddishkite completely completely left Yiddishkite very very not uncommon in those years and he went to live in kifa himself One Friday night he was bored. You know it's a long Friday night. He's bored. Remember this is before the era of gadgets and even then you can get bored. Ina then lived the vishnor. He was a son of hager who's known as the of vishnets. His brother was the immigr who lived in Ben. That's his brother. But his brother, he was the serv they called him the vision. He lived in Kyifa. He passed away in 1963. He would make a tish every Friday night. He'd have a big tish. I mean big. This is there the you know the late 40s or 50s wasn't so big, but he had a tish every single Friday night. SO THIS BUCK WAS BORED. He came from a family SAID YOU KNOW WHAT IT might be good entertainment. It might be good entertainment. He gets into a car Friday night and he goes to the vision to participate in the tish. He enjoys the music. He enjoys the singing. Maybe he wanted he was hungry too. But he went and he enjoyed it. But he had a conscience. He drove. He drove on chabas and he wanted to be honest. So he decided he's going to tell the vision how he came. Even though nobody asked him, he's going to tell him how he came. At the end of the tish, he goes over to the vision and he says to him, "Gabas and he tells him these words in in Yiddish." He says with with the accent, he says, "It's not good." Reb says, "What's not good?" He says, "I have to tell you the truth. I came here on Shabas by car, by vehicle." The vision didn't flinch. He looked at him. [snorts] He took both of his arms. He hugged him. And he said these words in Yiddish. says, "My kindst, my child, I want you to come here whenever you want, however you want." This person told the story and he said it over and he said these words in, and then I'll translate it. He gripped me with both of his hands and he kept me with him forever. FOREVER. NOW I WANT TO ASK A QUESTION. I don't mean to be a party pooper, but I want to ask a question. Did nobody told him about mitzvah. Nobody. He didn't know the I know the P. He didn't know the P. It's a clear. A Jew told you that he drove on Shabas. It's not a small sin. He didn't do some people don't do is different. I don't mean to say my is not significant but my today not everybody does because of the we don't have whatever is right. He didn't do that. He shabas is a very very serious thing. A man told you he drove on Chev what should have and he said he says HE SAYS AND YOU'RE TELLING HIM nah let's chill we're a bunch of liberals live and let live we're spineless we don't have any standards anymore we just smile to everybody shabas okay the main thing is you're eating kul the main thing is you're singing the main thing is you're singing A VISION DRIVE SHABAS OKAY YEAH THOSE FANATICAL STUFF ARE not relevant Really? That's what YOU BELIEVED? WELL, TELL HIM SOMETHING. I'M NOT TELLING YOU TO SMACK HIM IN THE FACE. GOT IT. I'M NOT TELLING YOU TO STONE HIM, BUT AT LEAST say at least say it would be so nice if you come next time without a car. That's very nice. Just do that, right? Just say, "I love having you. I love having you." That's what everybody says, right? Every every every will say, "Do that. I love having you. My house is your house. But that's it. A little butt. And you don't even have to do a capital B. You could do but. It's Shabas. We have standards. It's the Shabas Kaidesh. And put in a little guilt. Your mother, your father, your Za, your Baha, 100 years of 200 generations. and do it nicely. Not like an angry mishuga impulsive NUD nicely with vodkite and say, "You know what? You could stay in my house. We have a bed. The rebbitson will take care of you. It's probably much more comfortable than your house. And you know what? Shabas, we'll get you pizza. We'll get you pizza, ice cream, French fries with ketchup. You want spicy? I don't know if they had spicy fries in 1957. Probably not. WHATEVER. DO IT NICELY AND JUST BUT MAKE A POINT. Say come back every Shabas but try without a you know what I'll sponsor the taxi before Shabas. Aren't those beautiful words? Can't you do that? Do nice. Don't embarrass a kid who's a Yasim. I get it. It's not what he did. He takes him around and he says my kind vendil really with all due respect to the vision come how you want don't come how you want don't come how you want [snorts and laughter] there's a ways how you come before shabas or book. It's a good question. No, but now what's the truth of the what's the now the true answer to that question? So I want to tell you what he told you what I heard from Shalom D who knows the person. He says you don't understand. I was waiting for him to tell me that I did something wrong. Don't you get it? That's what I wanted. >> [snorts] >> I wanted him to say, "I love that you come to my tish, but this is not the way." That's what I wanted. I wanted to start believing that I'm not connected to this place. That's what I needed. I had something that was still connecting me and I needed himself to say, "It's not for you. We are of a different type. You don't belong here." That's all I needed. And then I could sever the last cord, get rid of that last conscience and say this is not my place and that's it. And I'll find other entertainment Friday night where I am accepted. That's exactly what I needed to hear. And he took that away from me. HE SAID, "YOU'RE HERE. THIS IS YOUR PLACE. YOU COME WHENEVER YOU WANT AND HOWEVER YOU WANT." AND WHAT happened [snorts] says today and he has like a hundred grandchildren all in [laughter] IF THAT'S NOT WHAT IS OF COURSE IF HE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT HIMSELF and his reputation and people are going to find out what's happening in this place and even his own religious authority then of course he would do the wrong thing which means do the right thing which means means tell him that he was wrong which means do the right thing which MEANS DO THE WRONG THING. He would lose him forever because he was thinking about real how do I help this child? He understood what this kid needs more than anything else is a home a family attachment. His attachment is gone. Of course he's going to look for entertainment everywhere. He needs attachment. He needs to feel his dignity. He needs to know this is your place AND THIS WAS NOT the didn't go to Kesha. There were no seminars then there were no work BUT IN HIS HEART he knew it. He felt it immediately it was obvious he drove that chabas and he never drove shabas again. So who does mitzvah? It's not that the vision didn't care about God and he PUT THIS CHILD BEFORE GOD. And here we come to another very fascinating and very fundamental point. When people talk about putting God before their children, it's not only that they don't understand their children, they also don't understand God. You see, there's two ways of looking at Yiddishkite. I'm going to be a little blunt here. You'll forgive me since she was blunt with me about how nauseated she was. So, I'll also be blunt even though I'm not nauseated because I I appreciate where people come from and I have learned to be very very non-judgmental in my life because of my own experiences and because of the different things I have seen and I see. So, God has blessed me with the ability not to be. I'm not going to say I'm never judgmental. I still have my Sahara, but I try not to be. So, I appreciate different perspectives and I'm fine and I get it. You could look at Yiddish in two ways. So you could look at as a set of rules and then you have children. Some of them behave and some of them don't behave. And when they behave, amazing. You hatch them, you match them, you dispatch them, you ask them to invite you for the shams and the brisks and the bar mitzvah. And when they don't behave, you slap them into compliance however you can. Either you take them to therapy or you medicate them or you put them in another, whatever it is. But you bring them back. And now you have a choice. God says one thing, your child wants something else. Who comes first? But that entire premise is based on a wounded philosophical idea. And the wounded philosophical idea is that our children are not holy. That our children don't have souls that are divine. That every person in the core of their being is godly and has an inner knowing of what is the best thing in life. There is a trust that so many of us lack. And it's not because we want to lack it. It's because we've never experienced it. And therefore, as I said on Shabas, often I told this woman who said, "We're raising snowflakes." I said, "Let me tell you what you're experiencing." When you were growing up, you were told to show up no matter your moods. And you did that. And you did it beautifully. And now you're disappointed that your children are not showing up the same way like you did. And I get it. But I'll tell you, I said, I want to tell you now the truth. Your children are actually helping you heal yourself because very often many of us were raised by people who did that to themselves. You show up despite what's happening inside of you and now we want that should continue. But let's realize that that paradigm is a gullless paradigm. Very successful gullless paradigm. You show up, you show up, you show up and you shut down while you're showing up. A gula paradigm is full integration. Full integration means that deep deep down people are divine. You have a soul that's a mamish. It's not a joke. That's not cliche. IT'S NOT LIKE THAT'S BURIED LIKE A THOUSAND BILLION LIGHT YEARS IN YOUR soul and it's going to come out after you're dead. That's not what it means. It means that if you remove people's blockages, if you remove people's cover-ups, if you remove people's kipos, if you allow the core of somebody to come out, what you're going to defi desoid, the soul is divine. The soul is a part of Hashem. The soul is the flow of divinity in this world. alignment with our creator is not something additional to our lives that we have to be forced into based on reward or punishment. That's a very very superficial paradigm. And if it helps somebody fine but the real truth is that when you uncover somebody's core and you help them get back to themselves to their deepest core their veos with their soul is the most healthy exciting blissful experience and their relationship with Hashem is innate. It's intrinsic. It's powerful. When this vision said this to this boy, he wasn't putting the boy before God. It was the contrary because he wanted the boy to really connect to God and because he knew that the boy is really connected. Therefore, he did this. It's not that there comes a generation where you start prioritizing children over God. Hashem we don't care about. We only care about our children. God can go into the garbage. That is an impoverished exile negative experience of the whole of Judaism. It's like you're pitting God against your child. Can you really believe and appreciate and understand that your child is good, is sacred, is holy? Which brings us to the key and core point here. And that is as follows. If somebody if somebody sits with hundreds or thousands of children of teenagers who have left Yadeshkite in the past generation and you sit with them, but you really sit with them, you stay attuned to them. You go into their hearts, you go into their minds, you will find that I could really say all, but I'm not going to say all cuz I don't know all. But I could say most people that deal with this will tell you that if you go deep into their hearts and souls, you will see that there is a deep pain, there is a deep confusion, there is a deep trauma. People [snorts] could make fun of the word and they say, "Yeah, pain, pain. Everything is pain, pain, pain." I didn't have pain. But the truth is, I could make fun of it. I can mock it. I could become self-righteous and say, "Just become a man. Just become a woman. And stop dealing with your flaky emotions." I can do that. And you know why I'm doing that? Because I just got triggered by something that I had to shut down in myself. and therefore I can't really make space for this part in you. So by getting angry, I hope that you will show up like I showed up and just let everything look good. But we're now being invited and giving a gift to actually make things not just look good but make things really good. That means stepping from gullis into gula real integration. And for that I need to be able to see you. And then I could see who you really are. And I can only do that if I have the courage also to see who I really am. What we see in reality is that attachment is the greatest medicine for the ruptures that people have in their psyche. And if you see that again and again and again, it's not choosing children over God. It's choosing truth over falsehood. It's choosing a real god over a fake god. It's choosing love over religion that looks perfect, but is really not truly respecting the soul of a person. It's choosing a God that I'm afraid of because I do checklists and I want you to do checklists rather than a real God that represents the truth of life, the truth of reality, the truth of energy. It's choosing fear over trust. It's choosing impulsive control over real attunement and attachment. It's easier because it's fast, fast, fast. But that child who is deep insists that there's something off. And if I can breathe and take a step back and ask myself a very deep question and that is do I have a real relationship with Hashem and can I radiate that? Usually my feedback and my response will be very very different. Matai Shabas. I did a fireside chat with Rabbi Shiman Russell and he shared publicly a story. It was so moving. And the story is a few of his children have left Yiddishkite. And he said it was one Friday night. It was a miserable Shabas table because he was alone. His kids weren't keeping Shabas or some other kids were away. So he was alone and he said he said it was a miserable Shabbas table. He was angry. He was frustrated. This is not a Shabas table. You want dri you want. You want an atmosphere. You want an ambiance. Anyway, he finishes fast. He benches and in misery he goes upstairs to go to sleep. On the way up he meets his daughter who has left Yiddishkite and she looks at her father's downcast face. And she says, "This Judaism thing, it doesn't look like it's working out too well for you, huh? This Judaism thing, it doesn't look like it's working out too well for you." And he said, "This was like an arrow in his chest." He knew immediately she was right. And she was telling him, "I don't understand. It's Shabas. Why are you so miserable?" And he told me, he said, he told the crowd, he said, "At that moment, my daughter made me a baluva because I realized I didn't have a relationship with God. I had a performance to perform that my house should be a perfect nakas machine where everybody sits around the table and gives me na so I can be validated as a successful father." But she was telling me if Shabas is real, if Hashem is real, what happened to your own relationship with Hashem? What happened to your own relationship with Shabas? I understand your children are struggling but do you exist? Do you have a soul? Is your entire validation coming from the fact that they're giving you nas you see when that happens first of all I don't have a real relationship with God. Second of all the pressure on them is crazy because now their job is to make Tati feel good about himself because he has a low self-esteem. That's terrible pressure on children. And he said those words took him on a journey into chuva into asking himself what does it mean that I am connected to God that chabas is chabas it's real it's authentic and he said that journey ultimately transformed his children the pressure on children to be able to make their parents happy is very difficult some of you know this very well because you had that pressure and many women have told me we didn't do certain things just because I knew what it's going to do to my mother and father. And my mother was a survivor and my father was this and my was this and my bubba was this. And what that means is it's very respectable. But you have to understand that you shut down a part of yourself. And there's a part of yourself that still has a lot of anger and still feels very repressed. And it's not a bad thing. It's not about judgments. It's just about embracing the truth of how much my education is based on fear and pressure and needing things to look good. So somehow externally all the pieces match up because the chaos that will come without that is going to disintegrate is going to cause me to disintegrate. And children who are sensitive and spiritual feel it. And they're like, "Is this all that Judaism has to offer? Just make sure everything looks good so everybody could give each other nakas." It's like somebody once said, "In my house, we never had original. We never had we always ate leftovers. We're still looking for the original meal. So the question is, I do it for my kids. My kids will do it for their kids. My do it will do it for their kids. Where is that kid that we're doing it all for him? Because I would like to shoot him. I'm doing it for them and doing it for them. Where's that kid? And everybody is doing it for that kid. Bring him here. And the answer is that child is you. Believe it or not, [laughter] that's me. It's right here. It's right now. And when I can educate from that place, meaning I radiate my own relationship with Hashem, my own inner serenity and joy, that is the most transformative thing I can do because then your children will feel the comfort inside of you, the joy inside of you, the serenity inside of you. One of the great lessons I've learned in my life is parents so want to make their children happy and they want them to look happy. I once heard a mother arguing with a child and saying, "You have to be happy." She was so angry when she said it. You have to be happy. And she brought and then she said, "You have to have." She was so anxious when she said, "You have to have beten." Whenever you say you have to have, you actually are embodying the opposite of beten is a nervous system state. It's a state of trust. It's a state of calmness. You don't have to be happy because if you have to be happy, you're not happy. What I can do is I can radiate something from inside. And I can trust that everybody has a process and everybody's on a journey and I don't need to control it. I trust their godliness. I trust their holiness. This does not mean a person, a parent doesn't discipline. This doesn't mean every house is havoc. Every house should be a jungle. A house shouldn't have rules. God forbid. The opposite. What you want to create is rules that are based on attachment. And when there comes a time of crisis where the person has no attachment, putting in rules is not it's simply often losing a person entirely. So you have to ask yourself always one question and that is will the next word that comes out of my mouth make this relationship closer or more distant? Will the next action that comes out of my mouth as a mother, as a father, as a teacher? Will it make more attachment or will it create rupture? Will it let the person feel safer or less safe? Will it make the person feel more connected to their parents or less connected to their parents? You'll say, "Who cares? The main thing is they're doing the right thing." Well, who cares if you understand the truth that in essence everybody is connected to the right thing, but there are blockages, there's sometimes pain, there's disappointment, never mind if there was molestation. But even if there was not even if it's not so dramatic sometimes neglect sometimes a lack of attunement sometimes very sensitive people HSPs highly sensitive people who are are pained inside there's self-consciousness is anxiety and there's no healing like the healing of attachment the greatest medicine in the world is attachment the antithesis of addiction is not sobbriety the antithesis of addiction is attachment proof everybody had an 86y old grandmother or a 91year-old grandmother And many of them broke their hips. And in the hospital, they were given cocaine for three and a half weeks. They should have come as they should have come home as fullblown cocaine addicts. But I have never seen my 87year-old grandmother become a cocaine addict even after she broke her hip. You know why? Cuz when she came home, she had 93 grandchildren jumping on her bed. And if you're in Satma, maybe 160 grandchildren jumping on your bed. And when you have 160 grandchildren jumping on your bed, YOU HAVE ATTACHMENT. And the antithesis of addiction is not sobriety. The antithesis of addiction is attachment. People who are attached don't go to addiction because they're connected. They're attached. Fascinating whole uh research that they did with rats about this how it works. It's incredible. So now after all of this, the person can ask themselves a very simple question. I know I want to scream. I know I'm losing it. I know I want to yell. I know I need boundaries. and rules. Ask yourself one question. If it's support that I need emotionally, get that support emotionally. But if I'm letting out my impulses simply because I'm not dealing with my emotions, I'm not here to help that person. Nothing good is going to come out of it. It's usually going to be a hurtful comment that will simply tell this child, I don't have somebody that I can trust. Now, this is deep work. It's deep work because it's transcendent work. It's deep work because it's humble work. It's deep work because it's divine work. With all due respect to this wonderful, wonderful, truly good intentioned woman who says that she was nauseated, I'm going to challenge that and say, I understand you were nauseated. I get it. I get it. But I'll tell you what I'm nauseated by much more. I'll tell you what I'm nauseated by. I'm nauseated by somebody who sees a child who's suffering and instead of tuning into their suffering, their own unresolved wounds take precedence and just want to go into a defensive mode so I could feel better about myself and actually neglect God's beloved child who who's seeking seeking mercy, who is seeking, seeking compassion, seeking help. It's not putting children before God. It's actually putting God in the beginning and in the middle and in the center and at the end. But what does it mean to put God first? To put God first doesn't mean that I have to look good. That my neighbors need to say that my Nakas machine is perfect. that even my aunt. Yeah, everybody has an aunt. And says, "It's good." I said the whole for 10 years for your crazy family. [laughter] Now, we love an Spriner. We love And we love aunt Faer. We love them. We love them. They should stay say the whole and Senora would be a good idea. Putting God first means that I'm not here to be for anybody. And I'm not even here to get validation so my kids should look good so we could be the perfect family for the and the seminars. It means that I look at a child and I could see the divine. I look at a child and I could see their soul. You remember when your child was born? When your child was one years old and you went into the room and you saw your little girl and she was a malik. You saw your little boy and he looked like a malik. because he's 16, he's still a Malik. Trust me. A woman sent me an email and she writes to me. She has a 17-year-old girl and the 17-year-old girl now walks around the house, not in the most modest way, and she wants to expel her from the house. She wants to throw her out of the house. So, she's asking my advice. She's asking my advice. So, I wrote to her and I said, "Listen, I don't have and I don't know why she's walking around this way." And she writes to me, "She's such an ad girl. You don't understand. So Adidal, so beautiful, so refined. What? And now she's destroying me. I don't sleep at night. She's destroying me physically. I'm going to die because of her. I want to get rid of her." So I say to her, "Listen, I am so so sorry." I wrote this back. I wrote back an email. I am so so sorry, but I want to explain to you that I'm not sure that this is a rebellion that's coming from defiance and negativity that she wants to destroy your family. My assumption is that there's something that is paining her very very deeply and I may not know and you may not know what it is and therefore you have to make a choice here. If you throw her out of the house and you find out one day that she was in pain, you will never forgive yourself. It's literally like a child has cancer or a child has diabetes or child has a heart condition and they can't come to the shabas table and you throw them out of the house because they have cancer. You wouldn't think of that. And what if she has an emotional cancer? So she writes back to me. HOW DO YOU KNOW? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? I SAY she's doing it intentionally. She wants to destroy my life and therefore I want to get rid of her. Now you know what I was thinking? I was thinking if you were my mother, I'm my god. Like if this right [laughter] like I didn't say that. I didn't say I don't say everything I think. At least not always. But like I started to understand that girl a little bit. I just have to tell you. [laughter] So I wrote her I wrote her as follows. I want to understand something. You said for 17 years she's the most refined girl. So what happened at 17? Do you think that a gilgal of a Nazi soldier went into her soul. She woke up one morning and she's like, "Okay, I'm now the SS. I'm going to exterminate everybody in my house." Is that really what happened? Chances are that's not what happened. Chances are something broke, something exploded, something imploded. Why don't you tune into that? I know it's painful, but just because it's painful, don't numb that pain by severing your relationship with your child. Don't do that. Now, this doesn't mean a child should always stay in a home. Sometimes for the benefit of the child, you want to get them a job. You want them to go somewhere else. But it should always be with attachment, not with detachment. You don't throw them out. You help them in the best way possible. She did not like my response. She did not like my answer. Such a lack of attunement. Such a lack of such an arrogance. You're not putting Hashem before your kid. Forgive me. You're putting your arrogance. You're putting your toxicity. You're putting your poison. You're putting your unresolved wounds before your child. You're not putting God before your child. You have turned God into something psychologically broken. In other words, it's an idol. It's time to smash the idols. The God that we call God is not always God. A Jew came to the and he said, "I'm an atheist." He said, "I'm also said what?" He said, "YEAH." Listen to these words. The God who you DON'T BELIEVE IN, I ALSO DON'T BELIEVE IN. THE GOD YOU SAY DOESN'T EXIST, YOU'RE RIGHT. HE DOES NOT EXIST. THIS GOD YOU'RE PUTTING BEFORE your children never existed. It's a God that is projecting our own wounds. And we call it God cuz it's a safety net. I don't want to call it my psychological brokenness. I don't want to call it my anger. I don't want to call it my internal self-contempt and self-shame that my daughter was supposed to heal. So what do I CALL IT? HASHEM. I DON'T PUT HASHEM AFTER MY KIDS. Let's change the word. I'm putting my own unresolved wounds before my children. That's not what a parent should do. A parent should work on their wounds, hold space for it, get the help and support they need without judgment, and then tune in to their children in a very, very authentic and loving way. Proof is in the pudding. That's the truth. We could argue about this 30 years ago. Today you'll speak to any teenager who left Yadishkite and came back to Yadishkite and you'll ask them was it because somebody made you feel you don't belong or was it because there was real attachment that helped you realize who you really are. Thank you. Have a beautiful week. [clears throat] This class [music] is brought to you by the yeshiva.net. Please help us continue the classes. Make even a small contribution at ww.theshiva.net/donate.