The Shabbat Show- Episode 24: Yom Kippur Edition

[Music] hello everybody welcome to another episode of the shabbat show special edition this is not just a regular week we are not just speaking about what's coming up this shabbat we're actually talking about this whole weekend this is a weekend in judaism like no other we have shabbat coming up and then right after that we have the holiest day of the year the day of yom kippur and yom kippur is an incredible incredible day and i personally think it's one of the most misunderstood days of the year you know a lot of times in life there's miscommunication you ever have this in life where you said something and someone took it totally out of context and the way you thought it and the way they thought it is totally different and the two of you can be in the same room talking about the same thing and having two totally different ways of seeing something in my humble opinion one of the most misunderstood days of the year by far is yom kippur the mishna actually teaches us there is no greater days of the year than a day called the 15th of av and the day of yom kippur now the rabbis are saying this is the most incredible day of the year the rest of us are saying i can't wait for this thing to be over like what i'm saying you know that feeling you get when you're like right past your second bagel at the breakfast and you're thinking like well i don't gotta do this again for like an entire year this is the greatest night of the year like this is the longest point on the calendar to the next film kipper right that feeling we get the anxiety that i gotta pray all day am i in the good book of mine the bad book are probably in a bad book oh my god i want to get out of the bad book all of that and the rappers are being like no this is the greatest day of the year why what do they know that we don't know what are they clueing into that we just aren't aware of what is it about yom kippur that if you really think about it and understand it you'll realize that yeah it's challenging we love eating we're jews i'd rather not stand i'd rather relax but greatness is hard and this is one of the greatest days in the year that's what i'm going to talk about in the show this is a show about guilt is it a real thing jewish guilt and just what it is and what it's not and how it plays into our lives how it plays into yom kippur so there's a lot coming up i hope you stick with us all the way to the end the first shout out to our new tech team and producer tj orman and big productions we thank you for taking care of all of what you're seeing right now and we're ready to roll so let's talk a little bit about jewish guilt because jewish guilt is sort of part and parcel with how we think act and talk check out this clip that just really explains jewish guilt bye mordecai give my regards to my father okay wait wait wait hold on a second all right what i didn't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice i'm now going to resort to the most dangerous deadly weapon in the jewish arsenal [Music] what i i i slept all the way up here for this i mean i i come all the way to the north pole to fight you don't put out anything to gnash on you're hungry i mean what kind of arch nemesis are you sorry i i i wasn't thinking i guess i'm oh no you don't you're not gonna pull that jewish guilt crap on me i'm a lot stronger than that mordecai okay forget it number one no what no nothing tell me what well it's just i mean i you know i don't know kind of host it as it treats her company this way i mean esther is clearly unhappy with the guest room we provided her with you know i'm bit singing all over the place from running around shooting people is no please just take my gun no take the gun no take it forget it no you may insist on you taking the gun really i mean just take it if it's a big deal please [Music] isn't that how a lot of us sort of grew up and lived our lives i love this episode by the way just letting everybody know this is a show that i have been in very close like at every show close talked with my mom so she is part of each and every one of these videos so as soon as i get them i send them straight to my mom this is how we live right jewish guilt jewish guilt what is jewish guilt we got a great show we got a lot going on stick please stick with us we got robin malcolm larafield coming on now from denver we've got rabbi y ray rubenstein originally from scotland on the show today we got aviva barnett we got jamie geller we got another special short crash course with rabbi i'm from goldar we got videos we got inspiration this is a great show two changes for this show just for this week alone just for this week alone we will not be having shout outs we may not be having kahoot there's a lot going on just for a whole bunch of reasons we won't be able to do that this week but stick with us all the way to the end i think you're going to love this show and at the end we've got a beautiful song and presentation by simcha of toronto and of course check out the shabbat show the shabbat show.com if you want to go back to earlier shows if you're watching the show and going oh my gosh i want to send it to my friend please get them on if you can't send them the show you can watch it from shabbat show.com and of course i mean this is yom kippur's season like why not grow why not change why not get somebody with you so you can grow together text one on one to 97 000 for your own personal study partner check out one on one to 97 000 and be part of the one-on-one study partner program okay let's begin right away our first guest is rabbi menachem lairfield he's a director of jewish of the the jewish outreach initiative a bold initiative that has taken denver by storm rabbi lairfield received his med from loyola university chicago and received two rabbinical ordinations railroad's passion lies not only in spreading the beauty and relevance of judaism to all jews but in photography graphic design mountain climbing and snowboarding i had a chance to catch up with a field check out the conversation so rabbi thank you so much for joining us on the show it's honored to have you on my pleasure thanks for having me anytime i get to hang out with charlie harrari i jump on well i feel the same way about you so i'm happy we get to do it even though we are physically far we are definitely spiritually close and this show really is talking about guilt and when you talk about the concept of guilt there's a lot of words that jump with it that don't mean the same and what i want to do here is really talk about the concept of the difference between guilt and regret because if you don't know the difference it you maybe not be able to fully understand how to navigate each so walk us through it what is guilt what is regret and how does one navigate both it's a really good question i think it it speaks to the core of i think why we have this misconception that jewish guilt is really a thing i don't remember who the comedian was but the line goes that religion is really just guilt with holidays sprinkled on and i think part of that is that we have so many misconceptions really about foundational jewish concepts and part of that like you said is this distinction between guilt and regret why do we feel guilty i think we feel guilty because we let's face it we live in a predominantly christian society so whenever we use any word that talks about or defines some sort of spiritual or religious concept we're automatically conjuring up some image that oftentimes is not really a jewish value right you say the word heaven you think of a denim commercial you know you think of angels as these fat naked babies and we think of god as this old man with a long white beard and if that's our conception so then yom kippur kind of becomes this day where we are saying sorry for angering this god and we need to do something to appease him and we feel guilty we feel bad now like you said there's a big difference between guilt and regret i heard years ago from usher resnick in east jerusalem he gave the analogy he said imagine you borrow this priceless heirloom from a friend and he lends it to you but he says just be really really careful it's priceless it cannot be replaced just be careful with it and through your own negligence it breaks like how do you feel i would imagine you feel guilty now imagine the exact same scenario but this time it's still a priceless heirloom and it still breaks but instead of belonging to your friend it belongs to you how do you feel you still feel terrible but that negative feeling is not guilt it's regret right guilt is something that we feel when we feel like we've done something bad to someone else you've hurt someone else whereas regret is really i think the idea of falling short it's understanding and recognizing that i have not lived up to the person i know i am i know that i've you know made a mistake and and it's affecting me you know the hebrew word and that's the thing is this time of year we throw around all these words you know like sin and repentance and like what does that even mean and oftentimes it's not the jewish value right the hebrew word faith doesn't mean a sin it means i've missed the mark i've made a mistake and the very fact i think that we feel guilty means that we don't really get that right is god is not this angry man in the sky right god is he's our father and he loves us and he is a loving father only wants the best for us and yum kippur is not about appeasing him it's about doing honestly it's about doing teshuva and we can define that word as repentance but then we miss the whole point very good very powerful yeah is really about returning to oneself and that's i think what yom kippur is all about it's really about recognizing who we really are tell me a little bit more in terms of where you think yom kippur plays into this um because that's really where we're going to and how all this sort of plays out yeah i mean i think it really is part and parcel of every part of yom kipper once we look at it through that lens we can go through the entire young kipper service and we see that everything should be you know very different one of the most peculiar parts of the homekeepers service i think is where we describe the offering that was done in the temple they did this thing called the azazel where they brought these they had these two goats and they had to be identical like in every conceivable way they have to be the same they have to look the same they have to weigh the same amount they have to be worth the same amount of money they had to be purchased at the same time from the same person and then they would take these two goats and one of them was brought as an offering in the holy of holies and the other was banished off a cliff sent to the lowest place imaginable and it's such an unusual offering and i don't want to get into the whole animal sacrifice thing right now that i don't think we have the time for that but there's such a profound lesson that we learn from this focal point of the yom kippur service the very fact that my mistakes that are associated and represented by that scapegoat that's where the concept of the scapegoat comes from the very fact that i can banish that off a cliff means that those mistakes were never really a part of who i was they were always external in fact the term we use for someone who's made a mistake is a baal of era which literally means the owner of a sin that the same way the airline can lose my luggage that tells you that it's not it was never part of me it was my luggage it was my baggage the fact that we can take that and throw it off a cliff means it was never really me i belong in the holy of holies and that's why we take these two identical goats the same way i can go through my year and oftentimes i do things i'm not proud of and oftentimes i look in the mirror and i say you know what that's who i am yom kippur reminds us that's not who i am right i belong in the holy of holies i might have made a mistake but that mistake does not define me i might have sinned but i am not a sinner and i think that's one of the most crucial parts of young kipper and we see that through that service and we see that i think through every aspect and element of yom kippur we forget it's a holiday and i think it's a holiday that celebrates our mistakes that's what it means to be a human being i made a mistake but i can pick myself up and i can i can grow from that incredible rabbi thanks so much for the time for the wisdom keep on shining your light and uh have an incredible young kipper and i know uh because of your words it'll be more meaningful to all of us my pleasure thanks for having me that was an incredible uh interview and i think he's totally right i mean i think this is the distinction that we're starting to build right now which is this concept of there's something about me something great about me that's part of this day and the regret that i feel is me being more it's not like i need to do it for this invisible god who seems to always be disappointed and is holding over my head life and death if i don't do the things that he wants that i don't really listen to what they are there is a sense of being able to be part of a bigger world and recognize that god knows things that we don't know it's not that everything is whatever i want to do but it's much more of an internal growth of there's a god inside me and what i'm feeling now isn't really the guilt of dropping the voice what i'm feeling really is the regret that here i am standing before the creator and i really could be more connected i really could be bigger spiritually and if i'm really being honest with myself and i'm not just giving the excuse of where i was from or what happened along the way or my wife or my kids or my friends or my rabbi or whatever the reasons are if i really am being honest with myself i could be more and i think that aspect of yom kippur is daunting is challenging but it's also very liberating and it opens up a pathway to so much growth that is so much greater than i feel bad for something that i that's beyond me that i don't really feel bad for and i thank you rabbi for just bringing that out and i think it's just a critical piece of how we create the distinction between regret and guilt check out this video information.com that really speaks about really the steps of how one goes through actual change check this out [Music] thank you h.com for that and really check out h.com they've got tons of incredible videos really taking very complex ideas this video really broke down a very important complex process and such an incredible way to check them out you know but yeah we're still talking about jewish girl where did it come from right it came at least for me it came from my mom right my mom got it for my grandmother like this is where we get it from it's the tradition of my family of jewish guilt but really let's get underneath it what it really means our next guest is rabbi y y rubinstein rubenstein was born in scotland and moved to england when he was 20. before moving to the united states in september 2011 he was from he was a familiar figure a national bbc television and radio being a regular on several programs her majesty the queen asked to meet him declaring that he was awfully good he is the author of 10 books on various jewish and general themes available on amazon teaches teaches in countless institutions and travels around the world sharing his wisdom and humor i had a chance to catch up with rubenstein check out the conversation that we had so rabbi thank you so much for joining us on the show it's an honor to have you on real pleasure really great to see you again after such a long interlude isn't it horrible stop spending me no that's really a bummer we're talking about guilt and we know listen i'm sure that with two of us are born into this world we know how this works talk to me about guilt jewish guilt why is guilt associated with jews jewish mothers is there any real truth to that yeah of course there is um i don't remember there's a book there was a terrible book uh which um it's called not i think it was actually used in an award we won't use but the non-jewish woman's guide to getting a jewish husband and it showed you all because it said you know jews make better husbands than non-jewish husbands said very unpolitically correct um back in the day and it said because obviously they earn more that's true and they tend not to be alcoholics as much and all of us and they don't be otherwise so much so this is how to get one and there's a whole chapter on the jewish woman's guilt trip and so but of course all humor is based on clients so if everybody's offended i'm sorry i just do not do bc sorry uh but yeah we are synonymous with guilt because we do yom kippur i mean it's not just one day of regret you've got a month and then you've got the day of judgment and then you've got another 10 days just and then yom kippur right and so i mean if you're taking up basically what that a 12th or more of a person's life with institutional religious guilt it rubs off i honestly i was raised on guilt i mean there's no question i was raised on guilt i got it it was passed down from my grandmother who passed it down to my mother who passed down to me i feel like i have antibodies i feel like i have guilt antibiotics that's my personal opinion we should really have my mom on the show we can really have that conversation so i am right down the fairway of trying to read mom's guilt and now i could watch my wife pick up the tradition and give it to my children of course how do we navigate around it with this idea really of love right the jewish religion really is not i mean i think growing up there is this i think this this way of seeing god as the person who's always upset with us whatever but as we delve into we realize that's not the case it can't possibly be that the creator of the universe is out there just hitting us with this with this spiritual stick so one balance between this like you said this institutional guilt with what we really deep down know is something bigger absolutely look here's the big deal the big deal is at this time of the year the prayer which we stick in three times or twice a day it's called a venom volcano and it's all the things we did wrong it's all the guilt trick well go go go and then but what's the first word albino right before his volcano it came as a scary image you know off with his head the king but for that he's a father and every father wants to see his child back again whether it's a son or whether it's a daughter uh that's the thing that you miss and and there's so much more to say endless and that is god set up this is let me give you a message direct from god because i got this directly from god because he told moses and he told the people who wrote the books and i've read them so this is directly from the almighty and he told adam the first day of judgment the first rosh hashanah was adam um who messed up we probably all know that story apple snake anyway after he after that that was the day of judgment the first rosh hashanah then he told adam say this to your children and tell them to pass it on to their children afterwards i didn't set up the day in order to judge you and convict i set up the day in order to judge you and they quit as we're delving into this jewish guild versus the god thing the god guilt if you will young kipper versus jewish guilt and how it all connects it's like how you opened with it which is god's taking the time to evaluate us because he wants us just like mom or whoever it's it's coming from a place of desire and if if they wouldn't give us guilt what would we do like i don't even know i don't know what my week would be like and it's just it's this incredible way that we process the desire to connect and what i'm hearing from you which is so important for people to understand is that in some interesting way yom kippur is the proof that that we are valuable enough for the creator of the world to want to connect to us and that's just off the charts absolutely remember all the things we're not allowed to do to eat no distractions no relationships no physical love cuddle husband and wife no no no it's you and me god says yeah i once told you i was once in a plane crash i'm not going to get into this because it takes too long but when i was flying around in the month of l leading up to rosh hashanah we'd lost the front wheels and take off and i get very emotional thinking of my children my two little girls four and seven who were probably going to grow up i thought not knowing who the daddy was my sons my wife and all very close but i have to tell you when you think you're going to die and i really did think i was going to die the only real relationship is you and hashem just me and him and that doesn't that's not an enemy to diminish my love for my life why can't i show them on my children it's strong it was strong but the real deal the final the final relationship is human god wow and that's a really true that's what really guilt is all about right like it really is if you break it down it really is love right because remember if if there'd be nobody to give guilt it really means they don't really care and it's something that i think is a critical piece of us understanding this whole process both regards to our moms or our parents both with regards to our children for those who are watching it with your parents right now but also with regards to god remember the idea that there is a pull towards something that there is some passive aggressive conversation to get you to feel bad really is a way of saying i love you and i need you in my life and if we just see past it we get to laugh about the guild part because it's so uniquely us but we also get to to appreciate where it's coming from check out this video i got to tell you one of the highlights of my week was my mom was came over the house this week i know that she's watching and we got to watch this video together i cannot believe this must have been scripted in my home at least parts of it at least but i check this out this may remind you of someone that's in your life but check out this video on just the guilt that many of us have grown up in [Applause] hello hello arthur this is your mother do you remember me mom i was just going to call you is that a funny thing you know that i had my hand on the phone you were supposed to call me last friday honey i know i just didn't have a second and i could cut my throat i was i sat by that phone all day friday honey i was working all day friday night i was in the lab all day saturday and all day sunday and your father finally said to me phyllis eat something you'll faint i said no harry no i don't want my mouth to be full when my son called me [Music] and you never called mother i was sending up a rocket i didn't have a second well it's always something isn't it how are you i'm sick i'm sorry to hear what's wrong nothing well you know what it is arthur yeah it's the same thing it's always been yeah sure yeah it's my nerve yeah yeah yeah and uh i went to the doctor of course yes and he tells me yeah yeah he said listen mrs white you are a very nervous very high strong woman well god knows that's true and you cannot stand the slightest aggravation so i said doctor i know that you know i do i know that yeah i said uh but you see doctor i have this son and uh he's very busy and it's the truth he is he's busy i said you say doctor he's too busy to pick up a phone and call his mother mom honey i want you to tell me when i said that to him that man turned pale [Music] mother he said mrs white i have been a doctor for 35 years darling and i've never heard of his son too busy to call his mother i know mom that's just what he said to me arthur i know and that man is a doctor mother listen to me please please just don't worry arthur what does that mean honey what does that mean don't worry well nothing actually i just i don't know i said the first thing that came into my head listen to me arthur i'm a mother yeah well that's the thing listen what's the use of talking you know you're very young someday someday honey you'll get married mom and you'll have children of your own mom please and honey when you do i only pray that they make you suffer the way you're making all i pray arthur that's a mother's prayer okay mom thanks for calling and listen i hope i didn't make you feel bad are you kidding i feel awful oh honey if i could believe that i'd be the happiest mother and for all those children out there that were on the receiving end for all the arthurs out there that had one moment in their lives where they just did not call mom enough um i just want you to feel it together right now and i just want to just publicly on behalf of all of us out there especially in light of yom kippur and in light of the day of forgiveness i want to just represent all of the in particular sons that seem to be too busy to call mom at the level that mom wants us to call and just say i'm sorry mom we should be calling you a lot more i think i can't even i can't tell you which one my favorite line but i think when she said when she when when arthur goes don't worry and she goes i don't know what that means i think like yeah i think we've all heard that and we know it comes from love and this is really what it comes down to this is what we're talking about right this sense of trying to lure us back guilt really is this cover for love and when it's used in a way that is misconstrued as god needs us to do things and do things and do things the whole thing separates us but when it's really something that's deep and internal and we know we could have been more we could have been closer we could have been more connected it's actually super empowering it's a very empowering concept we've got a great thing coming up right now before it's to remind you that we've got a beautiful song in our presentation the end of the show today so stick with us all the way to the end we have a great opportunity now to um to really go through with rabbi avram goldhar one of his crash courses he's actually the founder of the gold heart school home of the fastest jewish education on earth you can go and get more information at goldhartschool.com but this really cool crash course for those who want a little bit more of the background of the history of where yom kippur even came from great wage just in a few minutes to get a lot a lot of great information check this out the crash course from yom kippur from rabbi goldhart welcome to the crash course in yom kippur the holiest day in the jewish year while the sabbath is the holy day of the week the torah refers to yom kippur as shabbat shabbaton the sabbath of sabbas it's understood in jewish tradition as a spiritual homecoming for the jewish people what's the source of yom kippur sanctity and what can we do to make the most of this holy day yom kippur originates with the tragic story of the golden calf after our liberation from egypt the miracles of the sea and then the revelation of mount sinai the jewish people stood transformed as god's treasured nation we are about to realize our destiny as we had just entered a covenant with god and then we broke it after only 40 days what happened moses had a senate mount sunday to receive the torah for 40 days and the people miscalculated the time of his return when he didn't come down as they anticipated they panicked and they built a golden calf and danced around it and they declared this is the god of israel that took us out of egypt meanwhile moses had just received the tablets bearing the ten commandments when god informs him that the people are sinning that he's gonna wipe out the nation and rebuild the nation from moses moses has to plead for our survival he then descends the mountain sees people dancing on the calf he smashes the tablets he destroys the calf and he goes up the mountain for a total of 80 days to beg forgiveness and to convince god to forge a new relationship with the jewish people finally moses ascends the mountain with a second set of tablets and for the very first time the jewish people receive atonement for their sin that day forever since is celebrated as yom kippur which means the day of atonement on yom kippur it doesn't matter how far we've strayed in a relationship with god yom kippur envelopes every jew and reaches their inner core as long as we're sincere then we too like the jews of the desert can re-establish our pristine relationship with them that's because atonement is different than forgiveness when you forgive someone you're willing for the relationship to go on but you still remember their misdeed it's always there in the back your mind atonement literally wipes away the transgression as if it never happened it gives you a fresh new start that's why only god can atone all we have to do is be willing to do some spiritual work tradition teaches that during the days between rosh hashanah and yom kippur god is especially near to us it's a specific window when it's easier to choose to become our ideal selves we can ask for forgiveness and say goodbye to past mistakes and take on new behaviors and misses that we want to live up to it's a time for quantum growth so take advantage of it it's also important to ask for forgiveness from family and friends yom kippur only addresses your relationship with god you have to deal with your interpersonal relationships before during the day leading up to yom kippur there are a number of things to do it's an ideal time to give charity helping others in need is one of the most important spiritual traits to acquire we also do caparros which is an ancient custom of holding a chicken or money overhead and symbolically transferring our spiritual blemishes onto something that will feed the poor and support others before the fast begins we're supposed to have a special festive meal tradition teaches that people partake of this meal are rewarded as if they fasted a second whole day that's because preparing to have energy for the holiday in such a dignified manner is already a spiritual success the tour prohibits five things in yom kippur we don't eat or drink or wash ourselves as a way to pull away from our physicality and focus on our spiritual concerns we often fall for a fleeting superficial pleasure and give up a moment that could have been transcendent and eternal we also don't wear leather shoes leather shoes provide us with a sense of dignity that at times can turn into empty pride yom kippur is a time to be grounded to be humbled to be brought back down to earth there's also no intimacy and we don't anoint with oils which was a luxurious practice done more in the past young kipper begins with the moving cold mid-race service which releases us from vows we might have taken upon ourselves we don't want to go into him kipper with additional personal commitments that we might end up breaking we also declare that everybody is welcome to participate in the service as no door is ever close to a jew that wants to be part of the community there are five different services throughout yom kippur but they all share the same core which are the confessions it's a mitzvah in the torah to verbally articulate to god one's wrongdoing it's not enough to think thoughts or feel feelings now there are three ingredients to the confession first you must say specifically what you did wrong secondly you must express regret that it hurts you knowing that you committed the wrong and finally you must make a commitment not to repeat the mistake in the future now for those behaviors we know you can't change overnight you should at least have a plan to start working on change as we say each confession it's accustomed to bend over slightly and to tap your fist against your chest over your heart this represents a sense of contrition and a recognition that we need to soften our hearts and become more sensitive to the life around us during the prayers we review the service that used to be done in the temple of jerusalem by the high priest on yom kippur it's the one day a year he was allowed to go into the holy of holies the inner sanctum of the temple that housed the golden ark which contained both sets of tablets the tablets that moses smashed at the time of the golden calf and the second set of tablets he brought down on yom kippur we also have the yusker service which is a special memorial service set for parents that have passed away charities typically pledged to serve as a merit on their behalf but the most dramatic part of yom kippur is the ila service which means the closing of the gates as night is about to fall it's our last chance to affect the decree that god will seal in our lives for the upcoming year it's a time to see your inner soul through the clear lens that yom kippur provides and to tell god we're committed to live life on his terms with his wisdom that we were sent here to preserve fulfill and shine with remember god doesn't expect us to change overnight but we can change our life course on this exceptionally holy day shanatova and may we all be sealed in the book of life and thank you everybody goldhar for that really powerful information-packed presentation usually we do now is kahoot unfortunately we're not too good this week but i'm feeling that kahoot juice is going so we got to figure out a way to increase the competition so for my competitors out there stick with us we'll get back to kahoot into the future but usually how we roll is we go to kahoot and from we go right into jaime so as you know one of the highlights of the show that comes at you every single week is the one and only jamie geller bringing us really the ability to taste food by watching it she's really incredible check out jamie geller thank you charlie so much hello everybody shanna happy new year rosh hashanah just passed yom kippur is just around the corner and i know you're getting all the intense heavy stuff in the other segments of the show i like to think of this segment as the light part so we're going to focus on the break fast because you are all going to make it through the fast with flying colors i believe in you so i'm going to teach you how to make a homemade bagel now this is fun this is delicious there is nothing like fresh bread baking in the oven but i also think it's possibly for sure the most classic and potentially the most popular break fast food out there let us know if you agree enjoy wishing you a shabbat shalom an easy and meaningful fast and think of me when you're eating your homemade bagel [Music] and that was jamie geller thank you so thank you so much amy for always being a part of this for more great videos go to jamiegaller.com you can check out on facebook instagram pinterest youtube twitter tick tock jamie geller or at jewelishbyjamie and always jamiegal is a huge part of what we are our next guest i had a great opportunity to catch up with a wonderful person really speaking about something as we develop this theme how how it plays into our lives her name is aviva barnett and avid barnett is an innate health educational consultant and trainer and is the founder of mw mind works an organization committed to fostering the inherent mental emotional and spiritual well-being that we all really possess viva's marriage course the road map to intimacy has been taken by hundreds of people around the world her refreshing style and her presentation is clear real and practical her seminars webinars trainings and private counseling sessions are transformative viva lives in passaic with her husband and four boys and is the author of riding the waves check out this conversation i had earlier this week with a view of barna aviva thank you so much for joining us on today's show we really appreciate you being here thank you so much for having me it's a pleasure i just have to say a big shout out to all of you because i get to see what goes on behind the scenes right a lot that goes into these shows so it's an honor and a privilege to really be here that's right you have first-hand knowledge as to how much was into one of these shows so we thank you um in your larger self as well we thank you and your husband so we've been talking a lot about guilt and a lot of times if you misunderstand guilt it impacts it impacts you in much longer ways after the activity is done right negative cell image it can overwhelm us you can get stuck in negativity so how does a person do that has a person manage between being appropriate in their feelings they did something wrong versus not allowing that sort of drag with them afterwards it's a great question and i think that the way to separate out like people talk about healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt you know healthy guilt is i recognize that i did something wrong i made a mistake and i just want to clean it up and the truth is i find when people do that people are very respectful of like oh you can admit your mistake where it becomes unhealthy guilt is where i find when someone starts identifying as the mistake and you can hear it in their language it's not like i made a mistake it's like i'm bad i'm wrong i'm no good i'm such a mess up i'm a failure there's like this identifying with what you did that now all of a sudden i lose a sense of who i really am and that's what creates a lot of the pain yeah interesting because you see that a lot and it's an interesting distinction that you make that i think people make a mistake i always say that the worst thing that you can ever say is that yeah i don't know if you see this a lot i hate this the worst thing that you can say is i'm not a good jew like people say it all i'm not a good jew like they they there's like a sense that whatever it is that i do or don't do it somehow translates to who i am and that distinction i think is is critical like you're saying yeah and it's critical in terms of people get stuck ruminating a lot in their mind over and over again what they did about what they did and you know someone was asking like how do you stop that well i don't really know that there's a way to get in there i'm kind of not a big one for like jumping in the ring with my like crazy thinking i don't know that you can get in there and control and change and manage it but i think the real leverage is not getting into all this guilty thinking as much as really going back to the core as you're saying in your identity your identity of who are you being really clear that you're good just like you're a good jew you're good in your core that's the essence of who we are as a jew were created in the image of god there's a goodness a kindness a compassion that's naturally who you are and if i'm not identified with that it's going to be very hard to work on doing a lot of the changes people you know have all these behaviors that they want to change but if i'm not clear at the core then my jump law point is i'm not able to change the behaviors i'm looking to change right i think what you're saying is not only is it correct i think it's so critical now to hear it moments before the day because on a regular tuesday it's not as relevant but when you're going to walk into your own kipper right if you go in with the mentality of i have this power versus not having that mentality you're talking about two totally different days and you're talking about coming in in a place that's totally different here you're gonna like you said you're gonna do all these oscats on on your kipper and say all these mistakes that i made and if i don't have a basis a foundation if i'm not a vessel to be able to kind of hold all that then i i would fall apart i'd become a wreck so i i don't have to come in with knowing who i am and having myself and having a being a vessel to be able to okay now let's cleanse it out and i have to believe that that's possible and and i'm with you that people don't necessarily believe it but you know it's it's such a minor point and it seems like no i should be doing all these hush bones all these like every avenue that i've been making mistakes in and i just feel like i'm with you now is the time to really be focusing on if i can get clear on my health my purity my goodness if i could see that in myself i certainly will be able to better see that in my spouse and in my children that that is going to bring me so much farther in in the chuba you know what is chuba chuva's returning returning to yourself returning to who you really are that's what this concept is return to your truth you're not a mistake you're not bad you're not a failure you didn't mess up you made a mistake and owning the difference is is the difference between a healthy tuba and an unhealthy where change happens totally true viva thank you so much for being with us and shining your light on us and continue shining your light on the world and i really think that emport was so critical and i i really was taken by that conversation with her and it's really important and it all sort of connects right if we don't believe at our core at our core that there's something untouchable about our greatness right there is a piece of all of us as much as we may have been great or failed this year there's a piece of us that is infinite that is unsoiled by anything we could have possibly done that is the center spoke if you will of our greatness and that peace is who we are when we identify with that and we recognize the infinite potential in that everything sort of changes regret stops being something we avoid because it allows us to be better i remember watching a documentary about a certain athlete and the athlete became is still playing but he's a pro bowl football player i remember in the interview his coach said he wasn't the most talented but he loved watching game film and what that means at a deeper level is he sensed there was something special that he had deep inside him and he was willing to watch his mistakes and to look at it with an eye of growth and you keep on doing that long enough you're going to really grow into a person that you couldn't even recognize in many ways that's what we're getting at which is this empowering sense of i could be more i could be closer i am beloved in god's eyes and that comes with a responsibility that comes with something it's all part of what we're getting at and i thank viva really for bringing that out check out this video really about about really the time that it takes to grow this is a great video by byaish.com called the chinese bamboo check this out [Music] i thought that was such a powerful piece i don't know there's something so powerful about the concept of working and working and working and not seeing the growth and assuming that nothing's happening when there's so much happening that by the way this video by the way is really a lot of what this period of time represents when you work in the physical world you see the products of your labor fairly quickly when you work in the spiritual world when you work on yourself when you work on your relationships when you work on your depth you don't see it right away where's god how do i find him how do i connect to him what do i do this thing for how does this work i'm doing it like why don't i feel it i moved and made strides like how come i'm not seeing the impact there's a constant feeling when you do spiritual work that i'm not seeing it and seeing it and seeing it and seeing it and what makes this the story of the chinese bamboo so real is that if you stop if you give up at any point if you don't trust that there's something going on even if you can't see it you missed all the gains that it all happens really in six weeks but it doesn't it happens over five years that's really the joy of this period of time the misconception that we get during this period of time is we think that there's some book in the sky and we got to like come down and like say what the king needs it's it's not that simple there is godliness inside us and there is a life that we all can have that is addictively enjoyable that is deep and meaningful that is resilient to the world around us that allows us to feel connection in a really deep way and it takes work but there's no greater work than this and when we approach kipper with the sense of i want to work and we understand the messages that's really a regret in a positive sense when the guilt that i feel really is the cover of love when who i am is essentially good when we put all these pieces together and we come to you i'm kipper with the senses of i want to work i know it'll be difficult but greatness is difficult and i'm willing to do the work to get closer to you the entire day is of the happiest most enjoyable days of our year it's enjoyable to do things that are hard that they're worth it it's enjoyable to feel that level of growth and that's what i wish for you and for me and for all of us remember text one on one 97 000 for those who want to want to to get a study partner now is the perfect time remember next week we've got a great show coming up on sukkot it's about joy and coming up right now we've got this great presentation uh it's a feature song it's called the bird of hope sung by simcha it's actually featuring sand art by acclaimed artist aaron zev bernstein it's composed by dina storch and the song is an excerpt from the young kipper within program and this is what i want to leave you with all of us with you know this week it's not just a shabbat shalom really it's more than that because this is the shabbat before the holy of holies this is the shabbat before the big day my blessing to all of us is that we don't miss it we don't get overwhelmed by the physicalness of this or the fact that we're hungry or that we're tired or that it's uncomfortable or i'd rather be doing less we don't get lost in the misconceptions of things we don't get stuck in the way that maybe we got judaism in hebrew school or as kids or from that one teacher that was just sort of beating us down with this fear but we allow ourselves to ascend yum kippur is a time where we are angelic my blessing to us is that this yom kippur is the beginning of a of a new path in all of our lives where we have a year that's built on depth and connection and wisdom and and real love for each other for god for the world may we be all inscribed in the right books and we all have years that give us everything that we need in the physical world in the material world that will allow us to really create deep meaningful spiritual lives so from me and mine to you and yours i wish you and your families a year filled with health and happiness blessings and only good things in the spiritual and the material world and i know and i pray that if we can come into this day with the right mentality i know when it's over and it goes a lot quicker than we realize we'll look back and realize that this really is one of the greatest days of the year the shoe is crowded the lights are dim all have gathered for the imagine he didn't stand and didn't pray tears keep flowing as they sway and they say [Music] their confessions their acceptance their commitment to be better so much better all still all are waiting for the cousin who to the is he lifts his eyes and he cries our worship please give us hope for tomorrow we have fallen seems there's no way to rise i feel i cry and i know that you are listening how can we go up again so high a sudden flutter a sudden chirp all turned their heads to see a tiny bird flying high against the sky he's getting tired i don't know why and it cries the bird weakens it lowers toward the ground to the gutter there they shudder all are still all waiting for the poor little bird who's laying it lifts up its wings so high as it soars towards the sky oh please give us hope for tomorrow we have fallen seems there's no way to rise i feel i cry and i know that you are listening how can we go up again so hard [Music] [Applause] [Music] the cousin speaks the people here it's not just chants that made this bird fall here near the window near the shoe it's a message hashem's two to explain we can go higher even though we are sometimes down so low oh so low all are still all are waiting for the cousin who's still swaying he seems to be so far away as he begins the call me today i know there is hope for tomorrow though we've fallen we can always rise i feel i cry and i know that you are listening even though we fall we will go higher even though we'll go [Music] ladies and gentlemen thank you so much for watching the shabbat show thank you charlie all of you here watching the project inspire shabbato know our partnership with momentum formerly jwrp they are having a sole summit we encourage all of you to go right now to momentumunlimited.org momentum unlimited.org join the soul summit donate join us as a partnership looking forward to seeing your future joint programs together thank you