The Secret to a Happy Life - R' Yoel Gold speaking for Chazaq!

a few weeks ago I was shopping for Shabbos in one of the local supermarkets in LA it's called La Brea kosher as I'm checking out I have my bags in my hand and I'm walking out the door and I hear someone yell rabbi gold rabbi gold I turn around I see a middle-aged woman she says rabbi gold have I got a story for you and I always tell people my brothers in real estate I always tell people that whatever a good piece of real estate is to a real estate investor that's what a good true story is to me if I hear someone wants to share his story with me I'll be here all night I put my bags down and I'm all ears and she proceeds to tell me the following story she says my daughter my 15 year old daughter was walking on La Brea that's the Main Avenue I don't know what it is in Queens it's like 13th Avenue in Borough Park Coney Island and Flatbush that's La Brea in LA my daughter was walking on La Brea she was walking past the Yungas rail of La Brea she notices there's a officer that's issuing a ticket to a port to a car that's parked illegally by a an expired meter so she looks at the car she looks at the officer she looks at the synagogue to show the young Israel and she realizes that this car must belong to someone Dominic in young Israel right now who's around five o'clock in the afternoon medical time whatever whatever they were Dominic Mimico she says he probably can't come out to refill his meter I got to help him out she runs over to the officer she says officer I think this belongs to a Jew inside the shul do you mind if I put in a quarter for him he can't come out he's Frank the officer looks at the girl he is very impressed and he says sir you know what it's your lucky day today I still haven't printed the ticket she proceeds to put in a quarter she thanks the officer and the officer walks away and I'm ready to pick up my bags and walk away and I'm telling her that it's a beautiful story this is a reflection of the tremendous he knows that she invested in her child it's absolutely beautiful thinking to myself in the back of my mind can I make a video about this or not I don't think so it's not sensational it's not that emotional okay we're gonna leave it but it's a beautiful story not as I'm about to walk away she turns to me says where my gold where you going I said I'm going I have to go she said no the story is not over I'm like it's not she says no so I put my bags back down and she says my daughter after putting the quarter in the meter she thought to herself she thought she thought herself one second who says this belongs to a Jew in the shul maybe belongs to a guide McDonald's on the corner that had to park right over here who knows I was thinking maybe the guy couldn't come out he was in middle of Dominick who knows who says this is the guy in the show she decides to wait she wanted to see who the car belongs to she waits waits and waits rabbi goal 10 minutes later everybody files out of the shoaling you'll never believe whose car it was and I'm thinking to myself what's it got to do with me I got a go lady why are you holding me up and she looks at me and she says rabbi Gould it was your car she sees you walking over to the car it's amazing how a story when it's personal it becomes sensational it's amazing and I like really it was my car I'm embarrassed I'm blushing and I'm thinking to myself really I had no idea that he speared me a ticket I find that her name her address I go to coffee being a buyer a $25 gift card I still saved myself $35 I write a nice note and as I'm delivering the note and I'm dropping it off I think to myself how many people in my life behind the scenes are doing for me are dropping those quarter in my meter even while I'm parked illegally and I forget to think it's an incredible question I had this aha moment for myself I'm dropping off this gift card and a note and I'm thinking to myself who else who else don't I know about and then I thought to myself well it's probably the people we take for granted people we take for granted we forget about our parents and our spouses our children tonight I really think that we take a step back you know any event the Kazak does we have to really think about who puts it together and how much work it goes in so really a personal thank you to Kazak behind the scenes Kazak does tremendous work thank you very much and I'll tell you why this work is so important especially what he just announced every Jewish child deserves a Jewish education I want to tell you a story a story that I never was able to put on video if you don't know I put out videos about stories my passion is sharing stories if I hear a good story I must put it on a video or write it up and share with as many people as I can and I heard the story and I was younger this is a famous story maybe you heard of it maybe not it's a famous story a very old story story goes about a Jewish family in Detroit in 1928 1928 Jewish family Detroit we'll call them the Newland family I don't want to share their name you'll see why we'll call them the Newman family there one family lives in Detroit 1928 the father is the Russia called the president of the show and they have a maid a housekeeper from Ireland her name is Mary shine that's her name Mary said that's a real name Mary shine she immigrated from Ireland she moved to America and settled in Detroit and she started working by the Newman family and it was around December time December 25th was coming up and of course that's the non Jewish holiday December 25th you know Christmas was coming up and they wanted she felt she didn't know the Jewish customs she just moved to America she felt like she wants to do something spectacular she wanted to bring in the holiday spirit in the home so she takes the children they had two children two little boys take the children while the parents were away there out to work they were out wherever they were she takes the children and if she goes and buys a tree with a wreath she buys all the decorations she brings it home she sets it up she decorates the home and sure enough seven o'clock in the evening as the Newman parents pull into their driveway they noticed the tree in the window and they can't fathom what's going on they pull in and they come in and they realized that Mary decorated the whole thinking that she was doing them a favor instead of the menorah she put a tree the father walks over to Mary shine this was a few months into the job she calls her into his study and she says to her he says stare he says listen Mary I really appreciate what you did this is the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for me and he takes out his wallet and he proceeds to hand there a $20 bill now in 1928 that's a fortune of money and he says here's your first bonus thank you very much I'm gonna take the tree down right now because we don't celebrate this holiday we celebrate Hanukkah okay you celebrate Hanukkah please don't be offended takes the tree down put some enola instead it was Konica time and Mary was so impressed the story goes that when she got married she had children she married a guy she had a child meals shine kneel sign became the editor of the Detroit Free Press years later and her son as the editor of the Detroit Free Press never sheared or never published an anti-semitic article in the paper even though it's a left-wing paper because of what his mother shared with him about Jews she made such a kiddush Hashem she shared the story about the skinners Hashem she never want they never wanted to publish mantha Semitic article now I'm thinking to myself this is a wonderful story it could be watched by Jews and non-jews alike what a kiddush Hashem amazing right this year Hanukkah and Christmas fell on the same day and I'm thinking to myself wow this is the video we're gonna make a video about the story it took me a few weeks to contact to reach the shine family Neil Cheyne passed away his son Dan shine is alive and well in Detroit and I'm thinking to myself I'm gonna travel to Detroit interviewed and shine he surely knows this story and I'm gonna ask him to get on camera share it with the world and it'll be a tremendous Guinness - shell not only that I'll go to the Newman family I'll get the Newman family on camera what a video right incredible dance I'm the grandson of Mary the son of Neil tells me of course we remember this story this is a story that's in the family right it's almost a hundred years later but he knew it I said then when can I come to Detroit I live in LA he says you can come tomorrow I immediately organized a crew cameras lights were coming down that's it we're doing a video we got to share this story with the world Jewish pride kiddush Hashem right it's incredible I go to Detroit lights camera action Dan is sitting there a beautiful Catholic family and they invited me into their home they welcomed me in and I'm thinking to myself this is beautiful and he's telling the story my grandmother immigrated from Ireland it's wonderful she came to the Newman family they treated her so respectfully so kindly and then there was this little misunderstanding and they were so sensitive beautiful I'm like that's a wrap great fantastic now my job is to track down the Newman family I tracked on the Newman family luckily the granddaughter right we got the shine grandson now it's the grand daughter the granddaughter lives a few blocks away from me in LA track her down and I asked her you know is anyone in your family still alive your parents your uncle's your aunt's your grandfather says nobody's alive anymore um I'm left with a few of my cousins I said to her can I come over to your house an interview you remember the story with Mary shine and your grandfather and the kiddush Hashem that was made she says of course of course I do I come to the family I come it was in Sunset Boulevard a beautiful beautiful home beautiful estate I come in there and there was a fireplace and everything was gorgeous and I sit down and I say you know please go ahead lights camera action and she starts sharing the story and Mary Cheyne immigrated from Ireland to America she settled in Detroit she worked for my grandparents and came chronica time she put up a tree instead of a menorah and when my grandfather came home do you know what he did he was so sensitive so kind he told her it's a beautiful tree let's leave it where it is cut cut you're ruining my video that's not how the story goes she says that is how the story goes I said no I was in Detroit Dan told me that his father Neal oh by the way Gary Torgo was a very big activist in Detroit rabbi barrel wine they heard the story firsthand from Neal shine and Dan heard it too from his father this is not the story come on she says no that is the story she takes me around the bend in her home she shows me her Christmas tree she says you know it's you know that's right now the season we got we got the tree here I said so why did you invite me into your home what did you think I was coming to interview for this is not a sensational story she says yes it is the fact that my grandfather was able to adopt the values of the outside world without judgment that's a beautiful story no judgment he was able to assimilate so easily there goes my story but I sat there for an hour trying to come explain to her what it means to be a Jew and how the non Jew appreciated the Jew because he understood that he was proud of who he was where he came from and what he stood for and I was trying to explain to her that's the sensation of the story not the fact that you're able to assimilate and have a tree in your home today there's so many Jews who are assimilated so many Jews who don't feel Jewish pride they don't appreciate who they are the Torah says we're an I'm so cool on a sham chose us to be representatives of the Torah to teach the world how to live life a lot of people don't feel it a lot of room people don't feel it either we're conditioned to act a certain way and we have to we have to instill in the Jewish people today a sense of pride that we're now so cool how do we do it by example we feel a connection we feel a pride and that trickles down to the next generation the topic tonight is the secret to a happy wife my brother texted me when he saw the topic he said yo you have the secret to a happy life and you never shared it with me how dare you as I told the mayor it's not that big of a secret let me tell you what the secret to a happy life is in 1938 a group of researchers at Harvard conducted one of the most incredible studies ever done listen to this they started tracking the lives of seven hundred twenty four kids seven or eight-year-olds from all different backgrounds in the Boston area they went to their schools they went to their homes they monitored their behavior they listened to their conversation they observed their interactions they checked their blood they scanned their brains they documented every single detail of their life they did this for 75 years they track these skits for 75 years a lifetime it took them four generations of researchers to conduct it to complete this study why they wanted to find that what is it exactly that keeps people happy and fulfilled as they go through life in order to do that they have to follow the experiment had to be done in such a way where they followed these kids throughout their entire lives here's what they found they found that those kids who had strong positive and healthy interpersonal relationships they know damaja vero those kids were significantly happier than anyone else throughout their lives it's incredible you know not only that they were able to predict with 90% accuracy one those guys were 50 years old how healthy they will be when they were 80 based on the quality of their relationships in their lives when they were 50 even their physical health depended on the quality of their relationships you know it's incredible to me it took Harvard 75 years four generations of researchers thousands of papers of information to figure out what dove anomalous thumbs up in just a few words what does he say Marisha huff it's time who's a person who wants life but not just any life on Haven he wants to love his days he wants to be happy literally time he wants to be fulfilled Steven good in his life you know the key is its soul estranja watch what you say about other people don't speak behind their backs be positive be a positive force he says I say toys do good watch how you treat other people backing Shola generate goodwill pursue peace because mm L understood thousands of years ago at Harvard only understood now after 75 years of research that the cornerstone of a happy and fulfilling life is good relationships that's what it boils down to that's it it's not a secret it's a puzzle if you want to boil down all of Torah to three words about half the length of the local still gives us Tourette's a guide I want you to live a good life if you want to boil it down on one leg what is it be careful why you treat other people so I want to talk about a little bit of interpersonal relationships I know that everybody knows you know you talk to a person they know yes of course don't speak loshon hora huh cut out that Tov you have to feel gratitude and all the different ideas and values we have in our minds floating in our minds which we have a hard time practicing I remember when we moved to LA my wife and I a few years ago my wife is from originally from LA I'm from Brooklyn now that I come back to Brooklyn and ever I mean I live in Brooklyn my parents I grew up in Brooklyn I could never imagine how I grew up here la is so much more calmer but I go back to LA anyways we moved to LA a few years ago and I I found this health food store and we started shopping at this local health food store and over some time I became a health nut I cut junk food out of my diet chocolate out of my diet sugar out of my diet and one day I decided to take to the next level I decided to start juicing green vegetables every day I remember I was so excited with the idea I want to be healthy I went to Best Buy I bought myself the most expensive juicer on the shelf I brought it home I went to the health food store I bought organic vegetables green vegetables fresh organic green vegetables I brought it home and I juiced breakfast lunch and supper and by the end of the day I was hoping to feel healthy vibrant and alive and instead I remember I couldn't get out of bed my stomach was churning and I was in such pain I remember turning to my wife and I asked her honey what's going on I should be feeling great right now I am juicing I'm doing everything right never forget that look she turns to me and she says you all I think it's the vegetables I said the vegetables how could be the vegetables she says yeah I think it's the vegetables you know they say that in every relationship one is always right the other as the husband well this was no different my wife was right again turned out it was the vegetables that over juiced and as I was laying in bed I remember thinking to myself isn't it amazing you can have the healthiest vegetables the most expensive juicer and the noblest of intentions but if you don't know how to use what you have effectively you'll never get the results you're looking for everybody knows the values of another Mahavira we know yeah we have the ingredients we have the juice we have everything but some somehow as we go through life on a practical level we struggle to apply it to raise the level of the quality level of our relationships I know yeah I got it that curseth oh yes but to apply it effectively in our lives we struggle it's very hard very difficult so I want to talk to you about three points three points share with you a few stories and then I'm done I tend to look at relationships and connections with other people sort of like a jigsaw puzzle I want you to imagine writing on your mind's eye think of a jigsaw puzzle alright that's almost complete and you have an empty space in the middle you have an empty space in the middle and you want to fill it in with a few of the last remaining pieces okay problem is that all those pieces look alike it's similar in shape size and color how do you tell them apart how do you differentiate those pieces how do you know weird to put its each piece so I brought you some pieces in my pocket I want you I want to want to show you I want to show you something so these pieces right I don't know if they look alike to you are not from afar they might look similar right might look similar in shape and size but if you look closely you'll realize that each piece has a protruding knob this is called a knob a knob and this is called a hole this is a hole okay the knobs and the holes if you look very very carefully you'll notice that the knobs and the holes are different shapes so even though overall they might both be white and overall they might have a similar size but if you look carefully you'll see that the knobs and the holes are different now in order for you to figure out where each piece goes you will have to see the edges around that empty space look carefully at the knobs in the holes take a piece look carefully at the piece and the protruding knob and the hole and they try to fill in the knob in the correct hole that's it I view relationships very similar you know the knobs are the holes to me represent Melissa constrain us no two people are alike every piece like a jigsaw puzzle every piece is different we're just different everybody is different you know I grew up casitas in Williamsburg my name is your least have curly pay us when I grew up I went to literacy yeshiva I went the Passaic Lake quit in the mirror I got married I got married to aspire D and now I'm a rabbi the yucca shushil all different and I can tell you firsthand everybody is different not just group wise not just in a collective way but an individual way we're all different step number one we have to accept that everybody is different we can't look at each other and judge them and say you're not like me there's something wrong with you I'm better than you know everybody is different like a puzzle every piece is different and guess what if we would all be the same there would be no purpose to having doubles you know that the reception for her says that the word shove in vain is similar to the word Javert similar the same when it's Chevette its shove you can't have two people alike everybody is different the trick is to look at your surroundings and say let me see which hole I can fill if we want to connect with our community with our family with our friends look at yourself like a puzzle and ask yourself one question what is my gift what is my talent what is the skill that I Shem gave me weird is there a hole where is there a need what can I fill that's connection and then you connect one piece to the next showing baka shala means to pursue peace from the word complete if we complete each other not because we're the same but because we're different that's peace got a great story for you that illustrates this point great story my cousin I have a cousin who was he used to be criminal lawyer now he is a real estate investor he's retired from from law his name is Frank Mendell lives in Manhattan Freck Mendell was in a an American Airlines flight you're not gonna believe this story this is a great story an American Airlines flight sitting next to his business partner Ryan Kaufman he has a business partner climb Kaufman they traveled together they were in Newark Airport and an American Airlines flight traveling to Dallas Texas they're about to take off the pilot gets onto the intercom and says everybody please turn off all of your electronic devices we're about to take off okay climb Kaufman puts his hand in his pocket to turn off his cell phone and all of a sudden he lets out a shriek and he says oh no Frank goes what happened he says I forgot my cellphone at the charging station by the gate now you got it you got on the I'm sure everybody here understands that you have your whole life on your cell phone you have all your contact information all of your meetings everything is on your cell phone who remembers a number today I mean I used to know when I was a kid we used to remember numbers now nobody who who remembers directions anymore nobody right everything is on the phone right this guy I'm captain head of all the meetings every every event his his presentation this PowerPoint everything was on that phone he's like I forgot my phone would go to Dallas for two days on a business trip what's with my phone he was panicking and there was a flight attendant that was walking past in the aisle and I am in panic he grabs the flight attendants sleeve and he says sir could you help me I forgot my phone at the charging station I know you can't get a back but could you please put it in lost and found so when I get back at least I'll get it this guy's name was Steve Cooley Steve says hang in there for a second he disappears into the cockpit for a few minutes he comes back out walks over to kind Kauffman hands in his phone and his charger the plane was moving already by the way hands him his phone miss charger he says don't forget your phone again hime looks at him and says how did you get my phone the plane is moving we're away from the gate so Steve says it's pretty simple I walked over to the pilot I said to him there's a passenger I guess it helps to be a business class there's a passenger in business class that forgot his phone is there anything we could do the pilot was in touch with the air traffic controller at the tower he contact he says could you please contact the gate he couldn't contact the gate himself directly because he was in touch with the air traffic controller that's Howard so you can take off the air traffic controller the tower contacts the gate there was still a Service agent at the gate picks up the phone lets him know there's a phone there and C please if you can get him back onto the flight the guy runs over to the charging station grabs the phone who runs out onto the tarmac and he sees one of those trucks with a scissor lift they used to put the food on the plane he hands it to the truck truck driver who's on the scissor lift says you see flight number five zero three one that's about to take off he's over there he's heading to the runway still on the tarmac inching slowly please get it over to the pilot who runs over right the truck driver on the scissor love drives over to the plane you never book you're not gonna believe this but I spoke to Steve Kohli I spoke to the people and the guy raises the scissor lift lines up with the plane the pilot opens his window the cockpit window I bet you never knew that it opens opens the cockpit window fit all was the phone of the charger to the file it gives it to Steve Cooley who answered back to Heim Coffman you can clap Frank tells me the story and I say Frank this is such a great story what is the message like I want to share it with people this is just unbelievable he says the messages always fly American Airlines but here's the message let me ask you a question how many people did it take to return climb Calvin's phone on the plane I'll tell you it took the flight attendant the pilot the service agent the air traffic controller at the tower and the truck driver who was driving the scissor lift five people five people five different professions they might not even be speaking the same language from different backgrounds all working together towards a common goal the tightest says like this Parsons little guy site that Kamisha me cam five people in times of peace will chase away a hundred mayor your dough foo will chase away a hundred you ask yourself there are climate cutters asks how can be the five people can chase away a hundred that's crazy how do you have five people chasing away 100 says there are high McCulloh you forgot a puss ik that the term n shion's a few pursue come earlier it says Vanna sati soloing but RS there will be show them in the land there will be peace in the land what does mean peace think about the puzzle pieces everybody working together doing their thing respecting each other understanding each other yes we are different in a marriage and family and community everybody is different we're supposed to be different but we respect each other we work together this seemingly impossible becomes possible I want to share with you one more great story before I finish I learned to the mirror as a bother and I had the privilege of attending the shear of her blush I really now I am crazy over a bush of every Ally I have the opportunity to teach buckram I'm a rebel in LA I wouldn't give a shear without listening to his shear first he gives the biggest shear in the world six hundred buckets daily shear for bokram in the world now I've heard so many great serum but I'm about to tell you the best shear I heard from a busser oh really I had the opportunity to eat by my rabi's house one Friday night with my wife and kid we walk in and he looks at my son my oldest son and he says verses I know man what's his name I said to him his name is Joseph Kyle it's my oldest son's name so he asked me who is he named after you know because Ashkenazim always say your abusive crimes on him felt and the found him say the Bennish crying yeah your subscribers ulla so who's he named after so I told him I said there's a very interesting story here you see I'm Cassie dish I'm ashkenaz my wife is Safari she's Syrian we had our oldest child and all of a sudden when she was pregnant and when we knew it was a boy we got calls from the Safari side of the family please name him after the living grandfather now like I see them that's how your heart value average you don't do that you never ever do that it's like it's like a death wish for us but there was pressure so my father-in-law who was such a kind gracious man and I loved him so much he said why don't we go ask his Shila so I said yes let's go to the godmother we're gonna go to her of crime can you have ski great winter of crime can I have ski I'll never forget this I went through climb can s be quite a few times I never saw him laugh what's of crime presented the Shila with my father alone and of Khayyam looks at me and he says is the baby born yet I said no so extrovert designer made Allah maybe it's gonna be a girl why are you coming to me and I'm thinking for myself oh no it's gonna be a girl the God Allah daughter said it you know the doctors said it's gonna be a boy he didn't want to give me an answer he said wait till the baby is born to come back maybe it's irrelevant okay later I found out that he somebody got a similar Shila he told them not to do it so I didn't go back I wanted to please my sugar I didn't want muck Lycus so we decided to add Chi and my father-in-law's name is joy safe we added your safe Zion after my great great grandfather passed away while ago okay to make it safe it's yourself I'm finished okay I'm telling the story to Russia every alien to my ready Friday night we're having to suit it together great he looks at me very serious and he says can I tell you a story I said sure like a piece of real estate of course he tells me says you know that my wife had very very difficult pregnancies she had a difficult time conceiving and when our son whom she was pregnant with her son our son was born we had a Toccoa we had a disagreement she wanted to name the son after a father of knocking part savage who was the receive in the mirror was a son level crimes Malev 'it's a great tour giant and it was actually robust Ariel is Rabi she said look it's difficult we don't know what's gonna happen how many more children were gonna have this is an opportunity I want to name this child after my father Vasya really says I wanted to name him after my father what the named after my father why because the Shulchan Aruch says that covered others that the husband's father the kavod of the husband's father comes before his father-in-law so you wanted to name him after his father so he decided he's gonna go ask the god allah door this is what he tells me I'm gonna go ask her eyelashes Turin giant he walks in to reveal Yossef this is incredible you know Yasha looks at I mean he doesn't understand - I'll ashokan Oracle show Canora now here's where the greatness of my Rebbe comes and this is the greatest Shir I ever heard from him he says yeah as the basis for status of kumara I know what the Shulchan Aruch says that's not what I came that's not what I came for I didn't come for the rough to validate my side I came because I want to be a factor to my wife and I'm afraid to go against the Shah Canora could you please give me a Hatter Revell Yasha looks at him oh my gosh if says you can never had their so to say that you'll have more choices you'll have more choices now I once told over this story you're not gonna believe I once told over the story in LA to a group of women I got an email a few days later a woman emailed me and her daughters in seminary and Rebbetzin now really teaches her teachers are foolish when she heard the story she didn't believe me so she emailed her daughter to go over to Rebbetzin Ariely to verify the story and make sure it's true she wants to tell me rabbi gold your story is true say thank you of course I know it's true I heard it from abortion we have to look at our protruding knobs sometimes it's difficult to give in a relationship in a marriage but we have to remember the point of connection is where there's a hole over there there's a protruding knob over here just apply it God if your comfort zone squeezed yourself in and give the other person fill the other person's home because ultimately we need to remember that back in shaolin SI toys in its early shrines our interpersonal relationships that's the cornerstone of a happy and fulfilling life not good not just because harvard says so that's what Dominic says that's what the Torah says thank you so much for inviting me it's been a pleasure speaking for you and I hope to be back [Applause]