The Secret of the Omer - Rabbi David Kaplan

[Music] [Applause] [Music] all right Sirus Omer is uh it's one of the uh misconceptions it's one of the most common misconceptions in Jewish in Jewish life is s om s om which means literally the counting of the OM and the counting of the OM is that we start the day after PES we start counting up to SH now most people know om is a period of mourning people think of s h we got to can't listen to music if you ask somebody what does s mean most people say s can't listen to music which is not true s om the counting of the OM is a Torah command that you start counting days from the second day of pesak commencing with Shas which is Pentecost and we count we count all the way up the idea of counting from after pesak Passover counting to shu is they had in the 70s so those of you who remember those of you who are old enough to remember in the 70s they had the Russian jur Russian jury were trapped and they had free Soviet jury there were a lot of rallies to free Soviet jury and a bumper sticker came out that said let my people go remember that the bumper stickers said then the religious version of the bumper stickers came out where they added one word which was sh send out my people that they may serve me that's a that's all the difference right there there send out my Let My People Go and Let My People Go that they may serve me that means that freedom PES we get free I mean we get free from cleaning for pesak that's for sure and then we get free after pesak there's there's a certain freedom and in the historical sense the Jewish people obviously got freed from Egypt they got freed from Mitra so the freedom imagine a guy who's in prison a guy's in jail and we let him go guy's in jail 20 years and we let him go and he has nowhere to go when he leaves jail so the guy's going to leave jail what's he going to do chances are he's going to have to make a parosa he's going to have to earn a livelihood as fast as possible the most efficient way of doing that is robbing a bank so he's going to just end up right back where he came from freedom without a purpose you're better off not being free so om tells us count the days from PES until sh because there's a link you have to link up because the entire purpose of the freedom on pesak to get free in Egypt the whole idea was to get free so that we could then be in a state where we can receive the Torah and now we submit ourselves to God's will on a spiritual level that means we are no longer in physical bondage in in in MIT we have to now accept the Torah and now we are free if we're in Egypt and you have a master a pharaoh phro who is uh uh oppressing you then you're not free to go off and make a commitment to serve God the way you would want to serve God so that is the real purpose of the counting of the OM now what happens is because RAB aka's disciples died reaba T died during this S period so we associate s om with what we can't do which is how we often live life what can't I do what can't I eat and you know all right we're always the pessimists what can't we do can't listen to music you can't shave but that's not accurate because s om is a tah command and it just happens to go inside with the period of time where the Disciples of Bea tell me him died his his disciples that okay so what obviously there's something we want to take out of this and and that is what we want to speak about tonight a little bit the idea of there's a uh a mishna in uh pavos peros is Loosely translated as chapters of the fathers which is not a great CH translation for p by the way not the chapters it's more the instructions of the fathers who are the teachers of Cl teachers of the Jewish people and per sub M says your friend's honor should be beloved to you like your own every individual they ever meet in your life this is true every person you ever meet has a little voice inside if you listen closely and you're sensitive everybody you ever meet has a little voice inside that says respect me everybody wants to be respected sometimes they how they communicate that is different ways of communicating But ultimately everybody wants a respect over here doesn't mean put them up on a pedestal and make him a dinner respect just means as an individual as a person I would like somebody I want I want to be respected just like you want to be respected I want you to listen to me don't interrupt me when I speak which is uh a challenge for most husbands I agree with you don't interrupt me when I speak and laugh at my jokes that's a bigger challenge for husbands and all the things that a person wants when he's when when when in self-respect I just want you to respect me so the michion pera says your friend's dignity COV over here means your friend's respect your self- resect should be beloved to you just like like your own just like you want to be respected so your friend also wants to be respected then look what the Mish follows with then it follows with he your friends spec should be beloved to you then the next line is do not be easily angered do not be easily angered when a person gets angry sky's the limit person gets angry everything goes and therefore the mishna says that if you want a formula reab aka's disciples they Di of a plague 24,000 disciples why did they die because there was lack of respect between them there lack of lack of they were did not respect each other the way we were meant to so again for us their level it was probably very very subtle but the lesson we're supposed to take during per during s om what we're looking for during s om is try to apply that lesson to our life so let's see what we can do with that the uh there was a uh an interesting Hal shilot that came a Shila is a question a h uh uh uh uh question that came to a halic Authority question was like this there's a young man who was doing Outreach in the south of Israel and he would go down there and there were young Jews and he would try to teach them and reach out to them and so on and so forth and then one day he was driving around in the south of the country and uh a siren an alarm went off because a missile was coming in from Gaza so he quickly started driving off the side of the road and he ran into to a shelter to in order to hide and as he drove off the side of the road to get into a shelter he killed the dog there a dog okay so he runs into the shelter and then when he comes out of the shelter the family of the dog accosted him and they said you know what you killed the dog how could you do that you should have watched where you're going he said listen there was a missile coming after I didn't do it on purpose he said how can you do that now most people if you do something imagine somebody somebody accuses something that you know I didn't do anything wrong I had to get out of there my life was in danger the guy goes driving off the side of the road kills the dog and the family starts yelling at him now usually in life when we get yelled at so we yell back when somebody gets aggressive with us we get aggressive back this guy instead of getting upset instead of getting angry he followed the family to their home went into the home with the family sat down and he started talking to them he befriended the family family had a very very nice home they're very welltoo family he came back the next week and again he befriended them spoke to them and slowly but surely because of his soft s because they didn't get upset they got religious they became committed to Judaism and after they gave committed to Judaism they said to them listen we respect what you're doing your Outreach efforts over here we have a very big home and we have a massive they had apparently a massive extra room that they took they said you know we want to turn this into a sh we wanted make it a sh and you'll have a study area where you could bring in your students and you could teach them and you could you could study Judaism with them we only have one condition we want to name the SCH after the dog the dog died and we you know usually you name a sh you dedicate the sh to somebody you got Uncle Al you know or whatever the name of the sh is we want to call the sh we want to dedicate the sh to the dog the dog's name was Igor and we would like to call the sh base eigor that's what they said they want to call it Bas eigor so they went to R Zin Z they asked Zin can we name the sh after the dog you know and yet you know it's normal it's very normal in shes you always get people barking at The Gabby but over here was going to be a little a little more little more serious a little more literal and he goes to you know can we name the sh after the dog so Zin actually cited a proof from the talmud there is a story in the talmud of a Jew who bought who had a Jew had an Axe and he sold the axe to a non-jew and when he sold the axe to the non-jew the axe when a Jew has an animal the animal is not allowed to do work on shabas the same chabas limitations the restrictions you're have your animals the animals have to rest on shabas also so the animals while we eat shult the animals also have somebody even asked the rabbi once if you're supposed to give the animals own egg shabas give them special food for chabas something these are interesting questions it's fun to be a rabbi you know you get all the good the on them get all the good questions and And he as so so the Jew sold the ax to the non-jew and the ax refused to do work so the non-jew said to the Jew hey what's going on here I bought an ox to work for six days he gave me he for seven days they only work six days so the Jew went to the ax he said listen when you were with me you had a day off now you're with him the Mitzvah don't apply to you anymore you have to work and the ax started working well the non-jew was so impressed that he converted to Judaism and he's called ranan t t turta is the Aramaic word for the ax he's named in honor of the ax it's called tto and therefore RAB zil said if you could name a Tana after an ax in honor of Ox name a sh in honor of the dog there was a sh somewhere in Israel called uh uh what do you called there's a sh called Bas eigor there's a show called Bas Igor you know somewhere somewhere in Israel so you're ever in the south of Israel you're looking for a minion you're missing a man and we only have nine we need a 10 a center you know the 10th man for the minion so it could be that you're going to get this uh they have a basic then he was asked another question of a little boy whose dog died and he wanted to know if he could this is totally unrelated to our subject but it's interesting question he wanted to know if he could learn you know there's a tradition he learned M you know for his a merit for the soul of the deceased he wanted to know if he could learn mishas you know can he learn M that he said that that you already can't do you know pick a mish starts with a doll and a V and a gimmel you know a dog you know and learn Mish so that he said that he said he can Doo so it's interesting here you have here you have a classic example what would have happened if this young man man who ran over the dog unintentionally he was life-threatening situation what if he would have gotten angry what if he would have gotten upset what would have happened he would have yelled they would have yelled at him he would have yelled back at them I was once walking in Israel I saw this with my own eyes I was in a bookstore and I heard a noise and uh I heard fighting outside I heard yelling so uh I walked outside to see what was going on two guys grown men theoretically were fighting over a parking space they were arguing over a parking and one of the of the guys said to the other one in Hebrew he looked at he pointed and saides so the guy said which means you're stupid the guy said to him you're a bigger St he said right so the guy stepped back did some serious thinking right then he steps forward he says call Medina the whole country right and I'm watching this and they're going back and I've seen this with my kids you know kids come over to me I had this when my kids were younger one kid comes running in the room Daddy he called me a poopy I used to say to my kid little three-year-old comes the four and a halfy old called he she called me a poopy I said tell her she's a poopy dupy the kid goes scrambling off you I says you're a poopy dupy the other one four and a half yearold comes in he says she call me a poopy dupy I said okay tell her she's a poopy a s a super poopy dupy right and and this would go on and it became us I think we got up to Super Sonic poopy dupy I don't remember what we got to and I saw these guys arguing you people use an expression would you guys stop behaving like a couple of children it's a mistake it's a mistake the expression should be could you please stop behaving like a couple of adults right and eventually he got to the point these guys were smiling at each other because they realize how ridiculous they look they they actually were were were smiling so person understands if he would have reacted that way if he would let's say he would have gotten angry so all the benefits for his Organization for his operation he would have lost everything because of that temporary that momentary anger that's what the that's the idea when a person gets angry you lose any sort of sense of proportion in some homes you have a situation sometimes the husband yells and the wife goes over to close the window right that that often happen husband starts yelling wife closes the window I was actually giving a talk once and I mentioned that and a woman says oh it's not like that in my home in my home I yell my husband closes the window she actually said that she actually said that in public by the way why why why I'm not sure but she oh oh now I respect you more so you understand when you get upset you start yelling your wife's embarrassed your kids might be embarrassing you don't care because at that point you just don't care that's what the mission is saying the mission is saying be careful with other people's dignity and then it follows with don't get angry because when you get angry you cut loose when you get angry everything flies the classic example classic example of what a person thank you very much what a person could lose when a person gets angry so everybody has heard of King David D King David and King David is now you know we have the the D we talk about the is full of King David he had an older brother his older brother was named elov David for the history anybody knows was the youngest son of yesi when shanvi the prophet Samuel when shanvi came to anoint him God said go anoint a son of yesi so if you look at the story he goes and he sees aov aov is the oldest brother a fine specimen and schm is convinced that that's going to be the new king he's about to anoint them and God comes them prophetically says no no no that's not the one I I have not chosen him and he's rejected now what happened why did alah alv could have been the king and then the Messianic the entire Messiah process would come from elv now it doesn't it's taken away and it's given to D what happened so what happened was they had gone out to the Battlefront all seven brothers went to the Battlefront the youngest brother David was sent by his father to go visit the the other brothers and he goes out there to the Battlefront to bring them food provisions and check on them and Eliah the oldest brother turns on David and he says to him what are you doing out here you came here to see the action you got you got bored you came out here to see the act and he got angry at him because of that temporary because of that moment of anger he was taken away he lost the entire Kingdom and the entire everything that we have that comes from David would have come from aah he lost it because he got angry that's what K say that's what the tud says what ises that mean what does that mean so there's an interesting statement Tom says anybody gets angry if you get angry even if you were meant to rise to a position of prominence you lose it when you get angry person could have been destined to rise to a position of prominence they got angry they lose what they were destined to have that's what the GU says why why so we think in terms of we always think that in terms of it well you're punished you got angry so you got punished it's not a punishment it's not a punishment it's a direct consequence because when you got angry you showed that you're not qualified elv got angry when you got angry your emotions took over by letting your emotions took over you've demonstrated that you're not qualified to be the king you cannot have imagine nowadays imagine a president or Imagine a King who has a bad day and therefore sets off a nuclear attack and he in a bad mood you woke up in the morning you're not feeling most you set off a nuclear day you're not qualified we can't have you being governed by your emotions the definition of a king is somebody who rules over not only you rule over other people rule over other people's the easiest thing in the world the real definition of a king is you rule over yourself if your emotions are governing how you respond so then you're not qualified to be a king so the talet is telling us it's not a punishment you're not being punished but if you're out of control and you can't control yourself you will lose your position that you were destined to you were destined to a position of prominence and you're going to lose that position simply because you cannot control yourself because we cannot have somebody with a finger on the bomb if they're a person who is out of control a person who cannot control their emotions there's a uh a uh uh apocryphal story is told about a king a prince and a princess some of you have heard this prince and a princess are living in the palace and everything is wonderful they're living together wonderful terrific Harmony and there only one problem the princess is a slob she never cleans up palis is always a mess it's good question why didn't they have servants is a good question it's very good I don't know it's only a story and uh so the princess never cleans up and like the prince is losing patience and then one day he says to the princess uh listen um I've had enough and you're going to have to start cleaning up the palace or you're going to be in trouble and she's lying on a couch reading a magazine she go no I don't really want to so he goes into the kitchen he comes out with a very big cookie he says so look I'm going to eat this Cookie by the time I eat this cookie if you haven't started cleaning up I'm banishing you from the palace so she's just sitting there flipping pages and he takes his cookie and he starts eating and every couple bites he looks at her and she's just relaxed on the couch and he finishes the cookie after he finishes the cookie so they going to start cleaning up she says no says guards banish her so the guards come over they toss her out of the palace all right the next day he regrets what he's done he loves his princess he wants her act the problem is there's a law in the land that once you banish a princess you can't take her back it's not he's got us he's he's stuck he wants his princess back so he calls in the first wise man and he says to him listen get me out of this you know I I banish her but I really want her back wise man says sorry Excellency there's a law on the land can't take her back calls the second wise man sorry Excellency nothing we can do calls him the Jewish wise man the Jewish wise man says to him was it a hard cookie or a soft cookie so he says does that really make a difference you want to know if they were chocolate chips I mean does that really matter he says answer my question question he says well as a matter of fact it was a hard cookie says great if it was a hard cookie that means there must have been some crumbs if there were crumbs that means you never fulfilled the condition you said when you finished a cookie you'll banish her you never finished a cookie so you could take her back there are two very important lessons here ladies number one lesson number one always bake hard cookies that's lesson number one lesson number two lesson number two is that there aren't always crumbs left to pick up sometimes a person could cause so much damage whether it's in a relationship whether it's in an organization whether it's in some other area of life where because of their anger there aren't always crumbs to pick up so person I always be careful you know if there are sometimes you could sometimes you could get out of it but often it happens often happens in life that you just went a little bit too far and you got upset and you said something you shouldn't have said and even afterwards you like politicians well my words were take out taken out of context ever heard a politician say guy politician gets up he says well I think he's an incompetent fool you know and then they say well a pol you take know you can't say that he says okay my words were taken I take it back you didn't take you took it back yeah you said he's an incompetent my words were taken out of context really yeah the real context was he's a major incompetent fool that's what the real but my words were taken out of context okay so you we heard you you can't take it back we we heard it the damage is done so a person understands that if you analyze what anger is what what is a let's talk a little what what is anger so they had a uh um um a uh the foolishness of people who get angry I had a student who went to somebody's house once for a meal a young couple was married went to this meal and he's sitting at the table with them at a meal just a three of them and uh the husband and the wife young couple they were married for a short time a 45 for 50 years and uh they were actually in their first year of marriage and he was sitting there at the table with them and they had a fight they had an argument at the table the wife served the Gila fish the husband said something about like is the fish on a salt-free diet and she said something well only sweet people could taste salt you know something like that and they started going at it and they actually started yelling at each other and he's sitting there the guest is sitting there and they start yelling at each other getting upset and after they finish yelling at each other they stopped completely they they just sat there quietly and he's sitting there for about 10 15 minutes nobody's saying a word very uncomfortable you can imagine and at a certain point he suddenly jumps up the guest jumps up he does like this so they looked at they both looked at and said what are you doing he said well I'm just cutting the tension right and and you know and then every you know and then the wife I he told me that the wife said them when you're married you better not do anything like that I'm not sure why I'm I'm not quite sure why you just understand what happens the person gets angry you understand what you look like you understand what you make yourself say say and if you ever want to control your anger one of the ideas what that's given for a person to control the anger is when you're having a when you're having a temper tantrum go look in the mirror go look at what look what you look like just stay far away that you're not in punching range of the mirror but move back get a look at yourself in the mirror when you get a look at what you look like in the Mir see how foolish you look then you understand then you understand what it's like what what what what other people see the same way we see other people ever see a two-year-old having a temper tantrum much a two-year-old has a temper tantrum all the time they have temper tantrums right what makes you think they look any worse than adults right you have a father who walks into the room and starts yelling at his son don't you yell in this house right and then he wonders why his son is trying to hold back a smirk right the Father the father's yelling at him not to yell you understand what it makes it look like so the whole idea the whole idea of I was once typing one of my books I was in the middle of writing and I have a loose leaf notebook at home true story I lucely that doesn't mean the other stories aren't true but this one is certainly true this one I know it happened to me and I was in the middle of typing and I left my had a loose slea notebook which I left right by in front of the computer and I got up and I did whatever I did I came back into the room and I could tell that little seven-year-old fingers had been touched somebody's had been fiddling with my notebook which my kids at home know is absolutely off limits there that's no one touches Daddy's notebook and I you know and I'm sat down and as I sat down I started saying you know in an unpleasant and louder than usual voice I started saying who's been touching my notebook and then I looked down in my notebook I was in the middle of typing up a section of Stories on anger so now I had another story I had another story so so you understand you understand I'll tell you uh uh what in uh this is also true I'm not proud of this I'm only saying uh when I started writing a column for the hamadia newspaper so I started writing a column on and so the lady called me up from hamia and asked me to start writing about K so I said to her you know um okay and I told my wife that they called me from hamia they write about so my wife said to me well what qualifies you to write about I said well they're paying so my wife said okay you know go for it you know so I started writing this colum I was writing for about a year and a half about all sorts of wisdom that I was imparting about how to raise children and then one night I came in it was about late about 5: to 10 came in I had a rough day I walked into the house and something happened I think I was missing one of my slippers and then somebody said something I don't know and then I just exploded at a good old-fashioned allamerican temper tantrum I got to be careful this is on on film but it was it's un film in heaven also and shim too so and I had an All-American temper tantrum and door slamming yelling howling and all the kids it's very effective by the way they're all a sudden they're flossing and they're doing homewor and they're going to sleep and okay house is quiet and then I had to go off to DAV Marv so I walk off the SCH to go say the evening prayers D Mar a nice kav it was and I go off to SCH and then I came back about 20 minutes later and the house is quiet my wife is sitting there on the couch and she's trying to suppress a smirk can tell she's trying to she she's she's trying to hold back a smile so I walked in I looked I said what's so funny so she says to me well after you left plony at the time our 10-year-old son after you walked out to sh you stormed out the sh he turned to me and he said and he writes about right so you could you understand how silly a person could look a person and you get angry you're totally out of control and then you've left the trail you become a Mr meoo you become you leave a trail of disaster the um that's the that that's the general outline of it now there are things that on a personal level we suffer from and I think probably the most difficult character trait that any person suffers from the single most difficult character trait what we call Kina which is roughly translated Envy there are different traits that every human being has to Grapple with ego anger anger is really a subcategory of ego physical desires all of the things that we try to all the things that we want to do probably the single most difficult me the single most difficult trait for a person to battle with is the trait of Envy when you're envious of somebody else you feel that it's eating your kishkas out isn't that true you could feel it you could feel there's actually a verse that says recos recos means it's a verse in in Proverbs ravat means that Envy causes your bones to rot that a person feels when you when you're jealous of somebody else when you're jealous of somebody else you actually feel that it's eating you up inside people can get ulcers by becoming jealous of other people isn't that true you know how it eats you up inside you know what jealousy really is you know what jealousy really is one of the commentary says the definition of jealousy means you're angry at God for the way he's running his world that's really what it is jealousy is your own anger and it's your anger triggered at God not at other people I can't be angry at somebody else if he's more talented somebody else has got a better ability can't be angry at him so who are you angry at you're angry at God for giving that person the ability ladies didn't it ever bother you that there's a lady on the Block who's great at cake design that never bother you there's one lady who does cake design and it always comes out perfect never bothered you and your cake always somehow comes out the a little bit lopsided and the green frosting melts right it never comes out you put in a free somehow it it sweats it melts doesn't bother you it bothers the kishkas out of some people right what what she and she this lady stays up till 2 in the morning and almost like you know next thing you know you got something looks like a painting for Picasso and she brings out this cake doesn't doesn't bother eat you up it eats you alive so people are je when you're jealous you don't have that ability you don't have that talent that just means you're angry at you're angry at God that God gave the talent the ability somebody else men see by ladies it's cake by men it's usually money right we're we're more much more Tas oriented you know let's get down to the Brass tax if you're live in a more competitive Society it has to do with cars I was just in a I was just in a place a guy drives a Maserati which is better than a Subaru in case you don't know he drives a Maserati and he buys a new one each year right it's right and now there was nothing wrong I saw the I saw the the current model it looked pretty good you know no problem any buys a new one each year so you know a man who's struggling a man who would like to move up and you're jealous it eats you up what you're really doing is you're upset you're angry at God for the way God runs this world that's what's really bothering you so the the nature of anger is such that if a person loses control a person loses control so then they're they're they're not qualified because if you lose control you could cause a lot of damage now it's very interesting everybody knows in the Torah there a remarkable insight into what we really are capable of you ever use the Expression she gets me so angry he gets me so angry did you ever use that expression he gets me angry right that's what people generally blame other people for getting them angry which to a certain extent is true I I don't say that it's that it's not always true I've had even said it to my own family you know once in a while you know I get upset let's say imagine doesn't happen often maybe last time it happened 15 years ago or so father gets upset why am I upset again I walk into the house somebody took my slipper so Daddy starts getting upset so a child says daddy why are you getting upset we shouldn't get angry say to the child listen you're upset because I'm not controlling myself if you would control yourself and not take my slippers control your selfishness and your laziness to run upstairs and get your own slippers if you would work on yourself then I wouldn't have to work on myself isn't that true then I could turn around and say well that child is getting me upset that person is getting me upset but the truth of the matter is that person is not getting you upset that person is putting you into a state of test somebody once said when you drive in Israel especially when you drive in Israel after you get out of your car if you've driven you are going to be a different person you will either be a better person or you'll be a worse person but you're not going to be the same person that's certainly not true you're not going to be the same person now is it because you change did they change me or I changed me did they change me or I changed me an interesting question so let's examine this a little bit I heard about a couple they were sitting in a house after schul one chabus the husband and the wife were in the house and they're sitting in the house it was after you know after SCH the husband came home and the family isn't always ready to sit down and start eating so the husband is sitting in the room and he's studying he Torah the wife is finishing up her prayer her daving and uh her their 10-year-old son is playing with his friend the neighbor for the 10-year-old boy from next door so the father's learning the mother's daving and the two kids are running around the house playing Chas they you know playing some game two little boys running around the house and they go chasing each other and they ran through the kitchen and as they ran through the kitchen they knocked into the BL BL is the cover on the fire knocked into to the BL they knocked the pot of cholent on the floor and of course when chol I think who is it that's what said when it falls like peanut butter always falls on the side you butter right they knock over to cholot boom on the floor so the father closes his safer closes his book The Mother closes her sitter the two of them walk into the kitchen they meet in the kitchen take a broom take a dust well they clean up the CH the spilled CH the potatoes the carrots the meat the whole thing sweep it up put it in a garbage pill neither of them says a word he goes back to his safer she goes back to her doing that's it so the 10-year-old kid from next door just saw what happened and he knows that if this had happened in his house if somebody knocked over the CH pot in his house you know volcanic reactions so he's looking at this trying to figure out what just happened so he says to his friend oh I get it this must happen around here a lot so they gotten used to it already the idea that somebody could look at a spilled CH p and they and and not get upset about a spill CH pot and you can imagine so what's really getting it did you get him did they get him angry two separate families in one family they don't get angry the other so are they getting you angry or are you allowing yourself to be driven to an emotional state where you're out of control so where does it come from so I want to tell you something very interesting is very interesting for those of us who have ever studied the sources the classic sources the Torah says that Ruan Yakov aino Jacob's oldest son ruen so when ruen goes and ruen gets involved in yakov's personal life and as a result when yakob brings his 12 sons in and he gives them bras right at the end he gives them bras all them bras what happens to Ru he says to Ru you were impetuous like water and therefore you will not get get the portion you were supposed to get Ruan is the first person in history who loses what he's supposed to get what was he supposed to get supposed to be the king supposed to be the first born privileges he's supposed to be the cohain he loses the whole package three things he loses the whole package why because of his impetuousness you got involved in something you shouldn't get involved in you were impetuous like water therefore alt toar you will not get the extra portions You Were Meant to get so I want to ask you a question why does it say p come when you think of something that's impetuous what would you think of I wouldn't think of water even though when water storms in it's out of control which is one of the comparisons water a flood a tsunami comes in totally out of control but why ruen it's not a question of the water being out of control I could think of other things I would say you were impetuous like an upset hippopotamus ever see a hippopotamus that's upset they're very very difficult to deal with right very unreasonable and I would have said you were P Kam you were like a wild animal says pakas you were impetuous like water you know what that means if you take water and you put water in a container what happens to water any container you put it in the water takes the shape of the container put in a round glass the water looks round put in a tall thin glass the water looks tall and thin put in a square flower holder the water takes a square shape right water takes the shape of whatever container you put it in y was saying to you are shaped by circumstances because you're shaped by circumstances you can't be the king the same way that water is shaped you're being shaped a king does the shaping a king does not get shaped a king is the one who makes the determination a king isn't the one who other people make determinations about him you follow the difference you hear the difference Ruan you're disqualified why because you allow yourself to be shaped you allow yourself the emotional response is a totally emotional response you are being shaped by circumstances a king is somebody who rises above it they came once to the stier somebody came to the stier now the stier if you know anything about the stier people used to come the great Rabbi people used to come into him and they would ask for blessings they would ask for advice they ask her bras and every once in a while somebody would ask him and a stier would yell somebody would come in and he would yell and that was his response and they once asked him why do you yell at people so the cyers said you know there are certain people who you obviously can't reason with they will not listen he could tell right away they will not accept a reasonable explanation or response to their question and therefore once in a while it's like you you just need shock treatment he Saidi hope it works so a guy once came to him and asked him a question I don't remember what the question was it was about doing something that was pretty extreme so he came into the stier and he said to the stier those of you ever gone in to see him I remember I saw him twice in my life he want sat there at his table he could barely see he could barely hear yet you could feel the feel the kadha feel the the kadosha radiating from him there Holiness and he people would go in and so this guy comes in and he asks the stier his question about this radical Behavior the cyler takes a look at the note he's he couldn't hear so you had to give him a note and he would look at the note and then he would give you a response so the CER picks up the note he looks he goes no l in Hebrew l so the guy guy looks at he scared he turns to say he says I'm sorry I I I didn't mean to get the great Rabbi angry Smiles says I'm not angry you're not allowed to get angry that means you could yell without getting angry is that interesting yo it's a lot of fun doesn't work do you know that there's a lot there's a you're not allowed to spank your kids out of anger you're not allowed to PCH your kids if you're angry I don't know by mothers it's different because by mothers you don't even PCH you just kind of grab and twist right isn't it you just grab whatever especially with little boys anything you could catch you grab you know I remember my mother grabbing you by the ear you know then marching you up the stairs to your room to go clean up under the bed you are going to walk up there the mother grits her teeth every mother I I think women have jaw trouble because of that because they talk you are going to a father a father wants to spank his child do you know that the is a father's not allowed to spank out of anger not to pot your child out of anger if you hit a child out of anger it's no different than just going over to Jew and striking him not to hit a child out of anger when you hit a child you spank a child because you have to teach him what to do it's got to be done calm and patient my kids are here so I don't want to say too much about the subject but you could ask them but when a father has to take the child say to the child okay here we go you're going to get four five six whatever amount the father decides 613 however however many spanks and then you give it to him and you have to give it calmly because if you get angry then it's just striking for the sake of striking that you're not allowed that you're not allowed to do there is a um Beyond anger this whole idea of being a king extends to all areas of self-control that means that whether it has to do with it has to do with uh um um your mouth person's mouth somebody once said a closed mouth gathers no feet person has to know the idea of self-control of being a king applies in all areas of her life there was a couple that uh married about six seven years did not have any children they went to speak to a doctor fertility expert the wife had gone had gone through the various tests they went to speak to a fertility expert they had been working with the couple the couple were sitting there and the wife went in husband waited in the waiting room and the doctor sits down with the wife at the table and he pulls out the file and he says to her listen I've been through the file I've been through all the tests we got the test results I'm sorry to tell you you're never going to have children wife is sitting there okay she just heard devastating news finishes with the doctor she walks out into the waiting room her husband who was a Rashi Shiva happen in the United States said what did the doctor say she looked at her husband she said he said everything is going to be fine can you imagine what a king that is a queen the self-control cuz she doesn't want to get her husband upset the end of the story was they ended up with nine children or 11 children not sure how many it was and it could very well be was in the Merit of her self-control I don't know that I can't say but one thing is clear a person realizes the idea that they are in control they are a king and they don't just lash out one of the great rabbis was Rabbi David pavari from the pun of his Yesa Rabbi David pavari once he had to he he broke his elbow or his arm not sure what it was he goes to the doctor and the doctor says we're going to have to put a sling on your armari says I don't want you to put a slag on my arm he says well we have to your arm has to be a mobile mized because of a break we have to put a sling on it you can't move your arm Sur pavari said okay so I won't move my arm so the doctor said them yeah yeah but you can't move your arm all day long you can't move your arm he said okay so I won't move my arm so he said yeah well that's not going to work because then you can't move your arm at night either while you're sleeping she said so I won't move it while I'm sleeping now we usually think of sleep as an exercise where you know you kind of get into bed and touch every part of the m and you know it's it's a major major deal over there and there's an idea of even in the course of the day we just move our body parts all over the place if you ever look at Great rabbis they're very very contained they almost move their heads slowly that that we're we're usually you know we're all over all over with all all limbs flying the idea of being a m means you rule over your body as well and you can rule over your body at night while you're sleeping I mean we're talking about major levels about very high levels but the idea of being a king means you're a king always one last point I want to make here Yosef atad Joseph if you will Yosef atad so he goes down to Egypt they've even made a movie out of it so the whole thing must be true and uh you know Yosef goes down to Egypt and he is appointed as the vicroy of he's essentially the second most powerful man in the world now if you're an Egyptian Minister just imagine an Egyptian Minister and he sees somebody getting appointed could you imagine a country where they take somebody and suddenly appoint him defense minister above all other ministers can you imagine such a thing happening we don't have to imagine we live it every day so imagine yoseph is here's this 30-year-old kid and they appoint him as the vice Roy he is the second most powerful man in the world so the Egyptian ministers were not that happy you know why is he being promoted above us they came to parro you know what parro said to them he said to them I've appointed him because the tud says I see he's got royal Tendencies he's got royal characteristics that's why I appointed him now it was plain level plain meaning g means you know how to you know when you go to see the Queen of England they have to give you a training course before you go to see the queen is that right when you walk in and you're supposed to curtsy and what you do and you never shake hands with the queen and you never grab the queen as certain first ladies have done you don't touch the queen certain things that you don't do there's G there's a royal there's a way there's a whole protocol parro says I see in y I see he's got royal Tendencies at a plain meaning that means that ysf obviously has the Royal Tendencies but the commentaries explain it's more than that you know G means who was ysf what did ysf do ysf is the man in the Torah who exhibits the greatest level of self-control in the most trying ordeal the most trying challenge that a man can have and Yosef overcomes it that means yose is a real king means I see that he's got royal Tendencies I see that he's got the ability to rule over himself if you could rule over yourself you could rule over a nation if a person has got G Mal you could control yourself now you could be you're qualified to be the king yose's greatest qualification to be the king is not his publicity campaign and it's not his campaign manager his greatest qualification to become the king is what Yosef does in a back room where nobody else sees him that's the greatest qualification of a king in our day and age we live in a world where there's so much publicity and we think of the people who run the world as the people who had the greatest publicity and the greatest and sometimes these are people who are most out of control they are the least qualified we don't have to look too far beyond American elections sometimes the people least qualified are the people who are the ones who are going to be most involved in the in the process in Torah it's completely different you know what makes you a king what makes you a king is what you do in the privacy of your own home what you do alone determines whether or not you're a king and that the King of Kings sees sees K sees who the king is so when s om comes and and we're working and concerned about manto man interpersonal relationships person has to remember that our interpersonal relationships are dependent on our self-control taking control of ourselves which we're able to do we can't turn around and say he gets me angry she takes me off this upsets me that we can too when it comes to SP it comes inter personation person say listen whatever you're doing that's your business you're accountable you took my slippers you took my parking space the ultimate the ultimate crime you took me a parking space whatever you did to me that was your choice how am I going to respond that's my choice and I can't turn around and say well you did something you pushed me over the edge you push yourself over the edge my goal is to not be allowed myself to push over it if a person all force himself to not be pushed over then a person is a king if you're a king you rule over yourself you rule over yourself then you're going to your relationships with other people are going to be a relationship of respect you're controlling yourself then you've got the message for re AA and his disciples what we're supposed to take out of s over okay