The Science of Anger - Rabbi Jonathan Rietti

Uh you've asked me to speak on the subject of the science of anger. I call it a science because we're going to put anger under the microscope. And we're going to magnify it so that it will reveal the mechanics behind anger. We're living in a fast tech world where we really want immediate repair, immediate fix, immediate gratification. And very often we want to shoot to the how do I get the result? How do I conquer my anger? How do I make a lot of money? How do I get to turn my husband around? Very funny. Um or get my uh get myself to change my wife around or to change my teenager. Anyone here has teenagers? Okay, so you might appreciate why some animals eat their young. Uh pure humor, no reflection on reality whatsoever. We're living in a fix a quick fix generation where I'm more interested again tell me how. But the problem with even answering that question is if I don't understand the wiring of my mind why the how is so important I'm not going to be paying attention to the how. Because it's not a script. It's a mindset. I can talk about how to conquer anger and we will get to that near the end. But more importantly is to understand why do I get angry? Because when I understand myself I have a better chance of being aware of my anger and then making a different choice to turn it around. But if I just learn the strategies without rewiring my mind um there's a very strong chance that the strategy might last a day or two and then I'll forget it because my mind and my emotions haven't been rewired, haven't really changed. So there's two parts here. First of all we're claiming science is a anger is a science. You can put it under microscope, you can turn up the magnification and you will see what's behind my anger. Number two is that anger is not just a science, it's a choice. I am choosing my anger. That's not an easy thing for me to swallow because it's much easier for me TO CLAIM YOU MAKE ME SO MAD. SO I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP. I'M SO MAD. I'm sorry. Sorry. Big button. Sorry. Now I was speaking in an old age home a few months ago. Um the average age in the audience I think was about 107. Uh there was one lady there 104. People asked her what's special about your age? She said no peer pressure. So I was wired up to a very sensitive microphone and uh there was a gentleman in the front row falling asleep and he was snoring away. So it was getting amplified around the entire auditorium. So I said to the guy next to me not to wake him up. He said Rabbi you got him to sleep, YOU WAKE HIM UP. ANYWAY, IT'S VERY EASY FOR me to blame other people for making me angry. What do you mean making me angry? That means you control my anger? I I I'm not I'm not choosing it? You make me mad? So we're going to look at these two items. Anger as a science and when we put it under the microscope what will it reveal? And number two is anger really a choice? And if it is how do I get to choose to be in control? Okay, so let's look at this carefully. What is the downside of my anger? When I get upset with my husband or my wife or my daughter or my my sister or my brother or my co-worker or my boss or my neighbor or my learning partner. Um if I get angry with my father or my mother in law Sorry, just swallowing. Just swallowing. Um when I get angry with other people what happens to them? Do they become better listeners? Or do they often defend or attack back bring out their list of things that I have done to upset them and they might have a better memory than I do for my crimes against them. So let's ask ourselves what's the downside of my anger? What's the downside? What are the negative consequences of my anger? Any suggestions? I'm sorry? I'm really hurting myself. Even though you might get hurt by my anger, why am I really hurting myself? Can I hurt myself in my health with my anger? Yes or no? What happens to my blood pressure when I get angry? Oh, it goes up. Could a person get a heart attack from frequently using anger as a response to differences and difficult people? Yes. It wouldn't even hit the front pages. Oh, anger is dangerous for my health. What else is the downside of my anger? Sorry? I'm sorry? The other person is not necessarily going to say you know what, I'm so happy that you told me what's wrong with me. You know, one of the things I was always looking forward to in in marriage is the growing together and and really growing for myself and it's so wonderful that you told me all the things you hate about me. Is there anything else you don't like about me? No. If if people respond that way you you call hot salam. Something wrong with this guy. What's wrong with We don't respond that way. When when when you're on the receiving end of my anger you're going to defend or attack back or you might try to listen a little bit and if you try to be strong against me what might I do next? TURN UP THE VOLUME of my anger. Sorry I woke you up again. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, so my anger is going to possibly ruin my health. Blood pressure goes up. I'm going to make you defend yourself or attack back in which case I'll just get more angry. What else is the downside of my anger? Could it lead to violence? Could someone in road rage actually end up in court and then years of jail in prison because of manslaughter? Only in a moment of anger he got cut off. And then he was so angry he ended up Is that possible? Yeah, it happens all the time. What else is the downside of my anger? If I use anger with my child and I'm really upset. Here's my little Moshe. Moshe comes home crying. Moshe, what's the matter with you? Daddy, I I failed my math test. You know what? How many times I've told you Moshe, you've got to be positive in life. Dad, I'm positive I failed my math test. All right. All right. What did you get? Zero. Zero? That's unbelievable. What? Did you speak to your TEACHER AT LEAST? YEAH. So what did he say? Well, I I said I didn't think I deserved a zero on my math test. So what did he say? He said I didn't think you deserved a zero either but that was the lowest score I could give you. Now when I get angry with my KID WHAT DO I WORK SO HARD FOR? ZERO OUT OF 100? THAT'S 10 LEVELS BELOW PATHETIC. WHEN I GET ANGRY with my kid, what happens to my child? Do they feel more safe in the future to be honest with me? Or do they fear my anger and now I'm training their mind the next time I ask them a question, the first thing that goes through their brain is if I tell the truth he might get angry. So I will lie instead. And then if I catch my kid lying and that really makes me angry. W- well who has trained him to not feel safe to be honest? And then I'm angry that he's lying? I'm the one who's wiring him this way. What else is the downside of my anger? I can cause other people who I thought or think are close to me to start lying because they are trying to avoid my anger. They don't want to lie. They don't want to deceive me. But I get so easily angry about silly things that they end up not being honest in my presence. If I do that to a daughter, has v'shalom, God forbid, and my daughter learns that dad is like a minefield that almost anything can trigger him off, she starts getting scared of dad, and I'm the only role model of a male in her life. Is it possible at the age of 12, 13, 14, 15, the first young man that takes an interest in her, and he might have an a manipulative mind, uh his own agenda, but he's showing appreciation and patience and listening and empathizing, could he trap her emotions and she thinks he loves her when in reality he has his own agenda to fulfill, his own ta'avot, his own desires? And then dad gets really angry when he finds out that this boy is hurting his daughter, when in reality, who sent him there? Who has made her feel unsafe to open up to her own father? Anger is a poison. Anger is a cancer. It is able to destroy a person's mind, emotions, marriage, health. It's It's It never works. Here's the question, does it ever work? Rambam, Maimonides in the laws of thinking, there's a section called Hilchot Deot, which Rabbi Victor Miller translates as the laws of thinking. Yeah, we have a section called the laws of thinking. And in the laws of thinking, he covers many midot, many characteristic traits. Amongst them, he describes how every middah, every character trait has the right amount of dose in every situation. In fact, it's interesting, the word middah means character, but what else does it mean in Lashon Hakodesh? In Biblical Hebrew, middah has another meaning. Measure. Why does Hashem use the word measure and character for the same word? Ribono shel Olam, master of the universe, you've got unlimited imagination. In English, you've got one word for measure, separate word for character. There are no mistakes in this language, it's a perfect language. You see, what's the true measure of a human being? Height? Body size? Body shape? Labels they wear? The clothing? Um size of their home? Which zip code they live in? The which make model car they drive? Uh where they vacate? Um how much money they have in the bank? Their corporate position? How many letters at the end of the name? What's the true measure of a human being? Oh, character. Oh, there are no mistakes in this language. That's why the word middah means measure and character. Comes along Rambam, Maimonides, chapter two, legal ruling number three in Hilchot Deot, the laws of thinking. And he says, every middah, every character trait has a middah, has a measure, except for two. These two never work. No measure ever works for them. Ga'avah lev, arrogance, never works. People are disgusted by it. When I make myself better than you, more intelligent than you, use my looks because I think I'm more beautiful or handsome than you, I've got better marks in school, I've got a a a a bigger house, and I and I use that instead of recognizing todah lashem, you you blessed me with this or this intelligence or these looks or this family or these finances or or this security in my life, why would I then turn your blessing into a reason to make other people feel less than me? Ga'avah lev, ga'avah, it's very distasteful. People It's dis- It's in the words of of Mishlei, ga'avah lev to'avat Hashem. Hashem finds it despicable, disgusting. It's repulsive. Cuz Hashem gave me this as a gift, and I'm using it to put you down or make you feel less than me? That's disgusting. V'chein akas, and also anger, hi middah ra'ah ad le'od, it's exceedingly negative. V'ra'uy la'adam it's correct for a person lirtachek mimena to distance himself from anger ad katzah acher, to the other extreme. Rambam is telling us anger never works. It never works. It can bring about high blood pressure. It can make you feel unsafe. It can make you stop loving me. It can make you stop respecting me. As you pointed out, you know, who really is shaming themselves when they get angry with another person? I'M SHAMING MYSELF. WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR RESPECT for me if I'm your boss or your spouse or your parent and I use anger when I'm upset about something instead of communicating or discussing or talking or asking to understand, if I use anger, what happens to your respect for me? Goes higher or lower? You have less respect for me. When you see me out of control or using anger to put fear in you, and then when you even try to stand up to me, and it took you a lot of courage and thousands of dollars of therapy to finally stand up to me, not only do I not listen to your standing up to me, I say in my mind, "Ha ha ha, you think you're going to stand up to me?" So I raise the volume of my anger till you back off. Oh, anger is a lie. It's dishonesty in a relationship. It's not honest communication. And we're going to see now in a few moments as we put it under the microscope microscope, we're going to answer the question, why would I as an adult, educated, intelligent somewhat, use anger as a way to communicate if it never works? Rambam offers the only exception where anger can work. Listen very carefully. It's a very interesting exception. If it's kaas hapanim v'lo kaas halev, it's anger on the facial expression on the outside, but you don't feel it in your heart. You're not thinking it in your mind. That will work. Why? Why will that work? Borrowing from Hamelech, hacham mikol adam, the smartest man who ever lived, wisest of all, k'mayim hapanim l'panim, just like waters reflect your facial expressions without any deviation. You look at at the water and you smile, smiles back. Frown, will frown back. No deviation, exactly as I smile, it smiles back. Says Hamelech, that is a metaphor. That's what Mishlei really means, metaphors. It's an analogy. Ken lev adam l'adam, so is the mind and heart of one person to another. We are creatures who have been wired to reciprocate what other people are thinking and feeling about us. So if I really want to change my mother-in-law, if I really want to change my husband, my wife, where should I begin? What am I thinking about you that makes me feel about you? Because when I start here, you are a creature of reciprocation. You've been wired. K'mayim hapanim l'panim, when I think and feel good about you, I notice the virtues in your character, in your personality, and I tell you what I admire or love or respect, appreciate, I'm grateful for in your personality, in your behavior, ken lev adam l'adam, just like water reflects your facial expression, so is your mind and heart going to respond to what I'm thinking and feeling. So if I really want to change my kid, where should I start? What am I thinking about this kid that makes me feel about this kid and turn it around? That's how we change others. We can't change others. We can change the only person we were created to change. And when we do, other people change in response to a different us. That's how we change other people. But right now, what I'm understanding what Rambam is telling us is because we've been wired to think and feel in response to what you're thinking and feeling about me, therefore, if I'm going to use anger and it will work, he says it only works if you are only showing it on the outside but don't feel it or think it. You know why? Because you will pick up on what I'm thinking and feeling, and when you see me angry on the outside, you won't be hurt. You will realize you've upset me, but it will not translate as you hate me. You don't love me anymore. Do you understand? So it's called kaas hapanim v'lo kaas halev, which is really the opposite of real anger. Real anger is when I'm out of control. Says Rambam, if it's controlled anger, which is not real anger, oh, then it could work. You'll respect a person who is pretending to be but isn't really. You'll feel it. You'll sense it. Cuz that's how we're created. If it's really obvious, when we look at it carefully, that anger only has negatives, no plus. It's all negative. Why would I, as an adult, choose anger? So, there are three answers. They're a little bit scary. When I really look at it closely, the reason why I, as an adult, would get angry with my husband, with my wife, with my children, with my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, with my co-worker, with my boss, or with my neighbor, or my learning partner. Have I covered everybody? When I use anger against another person, there's a very simple There's three functions for it. Function number one, the purpose of my anger is to avoid a relationship with myself. LISTEN CAREFULLY. IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT THIS WHOLE MARRIAGE IS GOING TO GARBAGE. NOW, IF IT'S YOUR fault the marriage is going downhill, who has to change? YOU KNOW, ONE HOUR OF YOUR HUSBAND IS MORE THAN I HAD IN A LIFETIME TO MY PARENTS. AND I'M SO ANGRY at my child. And what am I saying? When you change your behavior and show me a bit more respect, THEN I'LL BE loving towards you. If I ACCUSE YOU, I GAVE YOU THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. YOU SEE, WHEN I accuse others, blame others, when I complain about others, I deny it's my fault. I give excuses why it's my fault. Five items. A, accuse. B, blame. C, complain. D, deny. E, give excuses why it's your fault that the finances aren't working out, that the children are going in this un- desirable direction. Um it's your fault because you don't stand up to your mother or your father or whoever it is that I'm complaining about. I will use A, accusing accusations. B, blaming. C, complaining. D, denying. E, excuses to get out of responsibility for changing the only person I was put in this world to change. Oh, so when I accuse other people and I'm blaming everyone else, who has to change? Everyone else. Oh, so I'll use anger to avoid turning the mirror around and looking at looking at the mirror straight in the face and say, "Oh, what can I do? Think, say, act differently that will get you to respond differently." I'm not looking there at all. I'm turning the mirror around and say, "WHEN YOU CHANGE, THEN I'll be A LOVING HUSBAND. WHEN YOU'RE MORE AFFECTIONATE, MORE RESPECTFUL, THAT'S WHEN I'LL BE HAPPY IN this marriage." And I can so easily blame others and really, it's just a cover-up. It's a camouflage. The anger is not real. We're going to prove it in a few moments. Here I am, really angry, so angry. I got to TELL YOU, YOU DRIVE ME MAD. YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER. NOT YOU PERSONALLY. SORRY, WAKE UP AGAIN. When I when I get angry and right in the middle of the anger, the phone rings. Uh excuse me. Oh, hi. How are you? Yes, I'm so great to hear your voice. One second. How do How do I switch from being angry to taking this perhaps important phone call or answering the board door to UPS for a package that I don't want them to uh take to the back to their their department cuz I want it delivered today. How do I suddenly switch? And the answer is because it's a choice. My anger is not real. It's a camouflage. So, function number one, anger is a way for me to avoid me. I'm avoiding intimacy with myself. I'm not looking at myself. I'm not trying to understand myself. I'm not being aware of my own behavior. I'm easily pointing fingers to everyone else around me and making it their fault. Does this make any sense so far? Number two function of my anger is when I get angry with you, it actually plays the function of me avoiding a relationship with you. That makes no sense. I'm I'm I'm telling you what I think and feel. I'm really angry and I'm telling you what. So, how can you call that a avoiding a relationship? Well, it's very simple. When I get angry, do you become more open or more closed? Do you When when I'm angry, do I tend to speak very rationally or do I say things that has nothing to do with and I start making accusations, COMPARISONS? YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE KIDS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? And all of a sudden, my irrationality is going to put you on the defense or maybe attack back. So, my anger is actually not only not an honest communication, it's actually creating a barrier. You feel less safe to be honest with me. You say to yourself, "I can't believe I even touched the subject. I could I should have known. I'm only married to this person 28 years. How did I not figure out that this would trip them off into an anger spurt?" Oh. So, you end up being less honest about what's really going on in your life in case it triggers my anger. Anger is a way for me to avoid an honest relationship with another person. So, number one, I'm avoiding intimacy with myself, into me see, intimacy. I'm avoiding seeing into me. I'm avoiding intimacy with another person. It's a camouflage. I'm actually creating bricks. And another brick, another layer, another layer until it's a whole brick wall and then my anger, you'll find all sorts of ways to cope. Either you'll threaten to get out of the relationship and if that's not an option for whatever reason, it's too many kids or the money or whatever is the reason, so you figure out an escape. I'll escape into my work. I'll escape into the kids. I'll escape into food. I'll escape Whatever it is, you'll find coping mechanisms. But my anger is actually not helping the relationship at all. I am actually creating barriers with my unkind words, with my insults, with my accusations, with my blaming, with my complaining, with my denying, with my excuses. And it just wants you to be more more not in my presence except when you have to. And you'll just make it work for shalom's sake. But really, anger is a way for me to avoid a relationship with you. Number three of this, kind of shocking, is anger is also a camouflage. It's a lie. It's a way of me getting out of a relationship with my creator, with my God. How do I How's anger avoiding God and a a relationship with him? Because as long as I can blame other people, I'm saying, "God, you're not You You You don't exist over here." You see, it's you who's hurting me. It's you who's ruining the finances. It's you because of your behavior or the way you're raising the children. And I'm not I'm not accepting the possibility that our sages were really right when they said, "Hakol bidei shamayim." Everything He controls who's meaning right shamayim except the choices I make, especially when I include God in my choices. How do we know that when I get angry with people, I'm really avoiding a relationship with my creator? That I don't want to accept that look, ultimately, you put me into this world, Hashem, with these parents, with this husband, wife. These children are gifts from you. And as long as I keep getting angry with people, I'm avoiding being open with you. Ribono shel olam, you are the master of the universe. You control the universe. Everything I don't control, you do. So, I need to go straight to you instead of blaming all the people that you're sending to help me change me. Where do we know that this is really true? The first time ever in the Torah where the Jewish people collectively complain against Moshe Rabbeinu in Parshat Hamon, Bishalach, Perek Tet Zion. Let me share with you with you the words. Very powerful words. And you'll you'll help translate them for me. Perek Tet Zion, Pasuk Bet. Vayilonu kol adat bnei Yisrael al Moshe ve'al Aharon bamidbar. The entire Jewish people, vayilonu means complain. You can see in a few moments what the root is, what the shoresh of that word is. The entire Jewish people complained against al Moshe ve'al Aharon. Is it very clear who they're complaining against? Is it clear? Yeah, they they're complaining against Moshe and Aaron because they they want food in their their They're starting to run out. That's when they were given the mon. Now, listen to Moshe Rabbeinu's response. Pasuk Zion. U'voker in the morning ure'item et kvod Hashem b'sham'o et telunoteichem. You will see the kavod of Hashem. How will they see it? From the mon that arrives in the morning, this miraculous food from shamayim. When you hear when you when you see the kavod Hashem b'sham o et lunotechem. When he has heard your complaints al Hashem. Moshe Rabbeinu, da da da da they were very clear. They're complaining against you. Why are you turning it around and saying they're complaining against Hashem? Continues Moshe Rabbeinu, V'NACHNU MA? WHO ARE WE? What are we? Moshe and Aaron, my brother and I, what do you think we are? Ki talinu that you're complaining against us. Continues Moshe Rabbeinu, v'nachnu ma lo aleinu telunotechem KI AL HASHEM. YOUR complaints are not against us, they're against Hashem. Oh, interesting. Moshe Rabbeinu is helping us the first time we collectively complain redirect the focus. Hey. I didn't take you out of Mitzrayim. Hakadosh Baruch Hu took you out of Mitzrayim. I didn't bring about the makot, the 10 plagues. Hashem brought all that about. So, you're complaining against me. You're not You're not angry with me. Talk to God. He's the address. Oh. When I'm complaining, arguing, angry, frustrated with people, I just don't want to deal with Ribono shel Olam. Hey, if this is really coming from you, then I guess I got to have a relationship with you. Let me talk to you. I'll give you a very simple explanation. You know, in perek aleph of Shemot there's a story of shibud Mitzrayim, slavery. And our sages in Midrash Rabbah tell us that the Jewish people are compared to an olive. When you squeeze an olive, what comes out? The olive oil. What decides the quality of the oil? Is it how hard we squeeze, or is it the ripeness of the olive? It's the ripeness of the olive, the maturity of the olive. Says Hakadosh Baruch Hu, you, my people, are like an olive. When I squeeze you, I'm not squeezing to hurt you. I'm squeezing you for the good that's inside of you. So, ladies and gentlemen, when you squeeze me, what comes out? Whatever's inside. If I'm angry and you squeeze me, what will come out? Anger. If I'm frustrated, bitter, or resentful and you squeeze me, what will come out? Anger, frustration, bitterness, resentment. If I'm struggling with my anger, I'm working on it, it's not easy, and you squeeze me, what will come out? A struggle. If we've conquered our anger and you are squeezed, what will come out? YOU MIGHT ASK, OH, THANK YOU FOR bringing this to my attention. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I think that maybe there's a misunderstanding here. You might not raise your voice, you might not get angry, and what will happen to the person who's getting angry with you and you're not screaming back, not accusing back, not defending or attacking, but actually even apologizing and then asking forgiveness, what will happen to that person? Will they raise their decibels? No. Interesting. Oh, so when we're squeezed, what comes out? Whatever's inside. So, all the people who are squeezing me, my husband, my wife, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my brother, my sister, my co-worker, my boss, my learning partner, my neighbor, my children. Now I know why I'm bald. Hair today, gone tomorrow. When we're squeezed by other people, Hashem, you sent these people not to squeeze and hurt me, but to reveal me to me. When people squeeze us, they're inviting us to reveal what's inside. And what's inside is for me to see and then decide, is this who I want to be, or do I want to change? So, guess what happens when I blow it. I lose my patience and I turn to Hashem, Ribono shel Olam, I can't take IT ANYMORE. THIS PERSON DRIVES ME CRAZY. I CAN'T TAKE IT. Give me patience. Guess who God sends in the room 3 SECONDS LATER. THAT'S THE PERSON I'M TALKING ABOUT, PRESSING ALL MY BUTTONS. DRIVES ME NUTS. AND WHAT DOES WHAT DOES HASHEM say back? Re'eh ti, you fool. You just asked me for patience. So, I'm giving you exercises in patience. Your husband, your wife, your child is your coach. They're here to help you, not squeeze you to hurt you, squeeze you to invite you to reveal what's inside. People don't shape us. Circumstances don't shape us. People and circumstances reveal us to ourselves. And Hashem, because he loves us so much, he won't give up straight away. So, when I do blow it and get angry, Hashem says, you know what, I'll give him another chance. And another and another. WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO PATIENT WITH ME? OH, Hashem trusts that he made no junk. He trusts we have been given the greatest gift of all, our minds to change our minds, to change our thinking, to change our anger to listening, to empathy. It's not a It's not a one-time choice. It's a lifetime effort, up, down, up, down. Hopefully more up than down. Is this clear so far? I want to share with you a very simple analogy. I'm going to demonstrate how absurd it is when I make you responsible for my anger. When I say you make me so mad. Pretend for a moment that a new technology has has finally been perfected. It's a technology that's about the size of the face of a watch and it is wirelessly connected to your brain and your emotions. On one side of this technology is an H button and it stands for happiness. And when you press this button, every happy emotion, experience, memory pours into your mind and your heart. It is so exciting, so exciting. I'm going to burst a blood vessel from excitement. If you press the D button on the other side of this technology, you feel depressed. You feel like there's nothing I can do that's ever going to change. There's nothing I can ever do to change this marriage. I'll never lose weight. I'll never be happy with my children. Would you give this to your mother-in-law? Would you give this to your children? To your husband? TO YOUR WIFE? WHY WOULD I LET ANYBODY CONTROL MY MIND AND MY EMOTIONS? OH, but when I SAY IT'S YOUR FAULT, I BLAME YOU, I ACCUSE YOU, not you personally, SORRY, AND I DENY IT'S MY FAULT, GIVE EXCUSES WHY IT'S EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT. A, ACCUSE, B, BLAME, C, COMPLAIN, D, DENY, E, give excuses. I'm getting out of responsibility. The A B C D E of getting out of responsibility for changing. The only person I was created to change, but instead, when I give this power away and I say the words, you make me mad, you make me so angry, it's a lie. How ridiculous. Why would I give you that power? Oh, I'm just avoiding changing me. So, what does Hashem say? Don't worry, I'll give you another chance. I'll send this person in again to press the same buttons to invite me to choose a different response. Hashem trusts we can change. I'll close this point on a very simple metaphor. Imagine you go to sleep at night and in the middle of your sleep, you have a dream and your grandparent comes in your dream and says, you know what, in shamayim, in heaven, we've just made a special arrangement out of my deep love for you, my dear granddaughter, my dear grandson, um we've opened up an account with Citibank and every time you control your anger, $100,000 will be wired into this account personalized to you. Every time you lose your cool, whatever's in the account gets wiped out down to zero balance. The only rule here is that after a year, you are allowed to cash out. But before then, it's a secret between us. It's a real bank account and after 1 year, you can cash out whatever money you made. Do the calculation. How many times are we provoked to slight frustration, anger on a daily basis? 4 5 600 times? 700? How many How many times Between the couples? Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned that word. Between the children and the husband and the wife and the marriage and the finances and the career and the neighbors and the community and friends and extended family. Whoa, DON'T TALK ABOUT EXTENDED FAMILY. SOMEONE ONCE ASKED ME for a definition of a dysfunctional family. That's very easy. The definition of a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one member. So, just pretend for a moment, you wake up the next morning. You forgot about the dream, and right on the nightstand table is a post-it. Memory memo. Don't forget this is your new Citibank account number. Love, Grandma. That dream. I don't believe it. Is it true? I can't believe it. And you're thinking about it, and in that moment, without knocking on the door, MOM BURSTS IN. YOU'RE LATE FOR SCHOOL. OH, thank you, Mom. I'm so glad you reminded me. I really appreciate that, Mom. And Mom goes, "What happened to my child?" As she's walking out the room, and you pick up the phone, and you immediately dial 1-800-627-3999. Citibank customer service, can I help you? Yes, uh uh my social security number 0090-5378. Um uh yes, size 11 shoes. Yeah, my name is Johnson Yetti. Yeah, I just want to know MY BANK BALANCE. $100,000? WAIT WAIT WHEN WAS THAT? It was wired in 30 seconds ago? Oh my gosh, THANK YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. RIGHT? And while you you barely recovered from this revelation, THIS DISCOVERY, MOM BURSTS IN. YOU'RE STILL NOT READY FOR SCHOOL. I KNOW, MOM. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW. THANK YOU FOR reminding me. 1-800-627-3999. Zero balance. Wait a minute, this really works. Oh my gosh. Ladies and gentlemen, how many day how many times a day are we provoked to anger? Potentially, let's say 10 times. Okay. 1000. 20 times. Do I hear 30? 35? Let's call it 40. Okay. So, uh 10 times a day, conservative. Let's say we control ourselves. We keep our cool all 10 times. What's 10 times 100,000? A million. A million dollars a day. Is that a good deal? Listen carefully. You're a few days into the program, and you you keep calling in every couple of hours. THIS IS AMAZING. YOU GOT SEVERAL MILLION DOLLARS IN THE ACCOUNT. You're believing in the dream, and you know that one after 1 year you can cash out, right? And while you're you're making your way down the hallway in school or wherever you are, someone sticks their foot out on purpose. YOU FALL AND YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE. WOULD YOU GIVE UP or start again? Why would you start again? I've still got 11 11 and 3 quarters of months left. You're getting really good at this. After 2 months, whoa, even kill. You're up to $800 million. This is This is amazing. And you got you've got so good at this that the last person who insulted you, you said, "Pardon me, could you repeat that one more time?" Oh, you hate my guts? Oh, that's interesting. Um what what's your reason? Oh, are there any other reasons you hate me so much? Oh, please, I'm very I I'm curious to know any anything Have you finished with the insults or do you have more? If you keep doing this, what's going to happen to those people? This You know what? My anger doesn't work to control you. So, I better go find some other target, and they back off. But you're starting to get really good at this, and then a few months into the program, you're up to $1.3 billion, and you're already dreaming how you're going to retire your unborn grandchildren. Um One night, it's a little bit late, and you really you've been caffeinating nonstop cuz you've got a really important report that has to be given in the next morning for your boss or whatever, and you get in the next morning, and in a moment of weakness, SOMEONE TRIGGERS YOU OFF. ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE UP OR START AGAIN? WHY WOULD YOU START AGAIN? YOU'VE GOT ABOUT 8 MONTHS LEFT. YOU'RE 9 MONTHS INTO THE PROGRAM, AND IT'S $4.2 BILLION, AND YOU'RE GETTING REALLY STRONG, AND every moment of the day you're saying, "Please, Hashem, send me someone to really upset me. I can do it." And what happens if Hashem 10 months into the program, I blow it? Should I give up? What should I do? Who said commit suicide? No, no, no, no. I I met a I I met a guy who was coming out the elevator on 26th floor of a Manhattan apartment building, and I I said, "Get up the elevator." There's there's this rope tied to the door handle next to the elevator, goes all the way to the end of the corridor, and there's a man who's standing on the railing of the balcony with a rope around his waist. I said, "Excuse me." He said, "What?" I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm trying to commit suicide." I said, "You know, I don't want to interfere with your free will, but let me give you an education. You're supposed to put the rope around your neck." So, HE SAID, "I TRIED THAT, BUT IT I COULDN'T BREATHE." OKAY, IT'S JUST HUMOR. SO, now I'm not going to commit suicide. I've got I I've STILL GOT A COUPLE MONTHS LEFT of the program. Ladies and gentlemen, it sounds like a metaphor, and it really isn't. It's very real. Let me ask you, what is of greater value? How much money I make in my lifetime or how is the quality of my relationships? How much we love and accept and embrace differences, and listen, and empathize, and respect, and are grateful, and appreciate? How much Which is worth more? How much money I make in my lifetime or how many people can be counted as real friends because they loved us so much? We know it's relationships. It's the quality of your relationships, of our family. Is family less or more important than money? Just honestly ask. Well, of course it's family. Oh, so let me ask you a different question. If it's really true that my character is more important than how much money I make, and doesn't stop me trying to make money, but here listen carefully to the analogy. Let's say I start a career, and I'm 45, 50 years old. And now I start now really working on my anger. And guess what? It doesn't go like this all the way up. No, it's up down up down up down. In and out of anger. In and out. In and out. In and out. But it's more up than down. More up than down. And I blow it a few hundred times a week. And next week, a few less hundred times. And the month later, a few a little bit less. And people around us start noticing, "Hey, this person is really struggling." Let me ask you. Let's say it took 10 years to conquer anger. Would it have been worth it? Yes or no? Would it be worth it for our health? Would it be worth it for our marriage? Would it be worth it for the relationship of our children, our grandchildren? Would it be worth it in the workplace? Yeah, we're we're getting checks on every score. Here's my question. What happens if it doesn't take 10 years? It takes 20 years. And now I'm 77. I started at 57, and I'm I'm 77. And it took 20 years to conquer anger. Would it have been worth it? Yes or no? Let's say it takes 30 years. Would it still have been worth it? Yes or no? Absolutely. You know what? What will our children, grandchildren be saying about us? You know what? It's amazing. I remember Dad. He used to be like a anger nade. That's what we used to call him, anger nade. Like he would just get angry about anything, explode all over the place. And we were all like fearful of him, and we loved it when he wasn't home. You know what's amazing? I've noticed in the last 30 years he was struggling, in and out of anger, in and out. And then he started really being cool, and I can't believe the last 10 years, all my children, their favorite grandpa, their favorite grandfather is this my father. He became so listening, so accepting, so unjudgmental, so not easy to get angry that they all gravitate him. They feel safe to tell him about anything, and share everything about themselves. And they ask him for advice, and they listen cuz he's in control of himself. Would it have been worth it? Yes or no? Absolutely. Anger is a choice to avoid intimacy with myself, change myself, intimacy with other people, change other people by not trying to change them by only changing myself. That's not easy. Oh, so I'll use anger to avoid that. But when we do change ourselves, people around us change in response to a different us. When we complain a little bit less and show a bit more appreciation, and we start changing the balance. When we show even more love, affection, respect, admiration, gratitude, and less and less complaining, less and less accusing, less and less blaming, less and less denying, less and less excusing, slowly we change the balance and the people around us change in response to a different us. When we change what we're thinking, feeling we change the world around us. Of all the animals that we are asked to emulate there's one which our sages say have a us Kanamara the gibor ari gibor ari be as strong as an ari. What is an ari? Which animal? The lion. Why strong as the lion? Well what type of strength do we usually associate to the lion? Physical. Do you agree? But we have a problem with that. You know why? That's a Mishnah in Pirkei Avot in Pirkei Mishnah Kaf Bet. But just before then Pirkei Dalet Mishnah Aleph it asked us Aizo Hu Gibor? Who is a truly powerful person? Hakoveish et yitzo. The person who conquers himself. The person who conquers his midot raot, negative traits. Shenemar and the verse quoted in that Mishnah is Tov erech apayim migibor. Someone who's erech apayim. Erech apayim really means long nostrils. Because when I get angry, but I'm not letting it out, I'm holding it in. That's called erech apayim. My nostrils get bigger. I'm not showing it. I'm I'm You can see I'm angry, but I'm not letting it out. Tov erech apayim. Someone who is angry, but he's controlling it he is more powerful migibor than a powerful person. Tov erech apayim migibor. Umoshil berucho, but someone who controls his breath he doesn't even lose a heartbeat when provoked anger. He doesn't start breathing heavily. There's no change. He umoshil berucho miloket ir is more powerful than an army that surrounds a city, sieges a city. So one second. The Torah is telling me that a really powerful person is someone who's in control internally. Now you're telling me have a gibor ari. Be strong like the lion. The lion is a physically strong animal. King of the jungle. WHY YOU WHICH ONE IS IT? Listen carefully. I heard this from Rabbi Slifkin. I think he got it from the Maharal. He's a zoologist. There's a vast array number of different wildcats. The tiger the lion the leopard the cougar the panther Listen carefully. Whenever any of them get into a fight even with family, what happens? Split up. Go in different directions. That's why That's why you'll always see the panther on his own. Cougar on his own. First fight, split up. Which is the only wildcat member who when provoked by family conquers his anger for the sake of holding the family together? The lion. Have a gibor ari. Become strong like the lion means not the physical strength cuz that's not our definition. We already defined gibor. Oh, it's internal strength. It's I am angry, but I'm controlling it. I'm not letting out on you. I'm not screaming at you. I'm not accusing you, blaming you. Holding it in and eventually umoshil berucho even controls their breath, doesn't change a heartbeat. Oh. We shame ourselves when we get angry and we earn other people's respect when we conquer it. It's never too late to change. The only person I was created to change. I close. There's more to be said on this important subject, but I'm going to close on the following. Hyman Becky arrive in shamayim. They're about 97, 98 years old. They did a pretty had a good run for their money down here. They arrive in shamayim and they're on heavenly boulevard. The the malach, the angel Gavriel gives them a tour of heaven. And the way it works up there is whoever died last gets the newest home. And each home is slightly larger than the previous one. So they're walking down heavenly boulevard, small little apartments attached houses, detached houses, houses small mansions, large mansions, palaces. They finally get to the last house which has just been completed and Gavriel the angel shows Hyman Becky their new home. 14 bedrooms, INDOOR JACUZZI, OUTDOOR JACUZZI, INDOOR OLYMPIC SIZE SWIMMING POOL, OUTDOOR OLYMPIC AND HYMAN keeps saying to the malach This is all ours? He says all yours. This is ours? He says all ours. EVERY TIME SO BECKY SAYS, "HYMAN, he keeps telling you the same answer. Can't you understand?" "Leave me alone." "What's the matter? You angry?" "OF COURSE I'M ANGRY." "ANGRY? I DIDN'T DO NOTHING. YOU MAKE ME MAD." "I MAKE YOU MAD? WE JUST ARRIVED IN HEAVEN. I HAVE NOT SAID A THING. WHY ARE YOU ANGRY AT ME?" "I'LL TELL YOU WHY I'M ANGRY. YOU AND YOUR CHOLESTEROL AND YOUR DIET AND YOUR PHYSICAL EXERCISE PROGRAMS. WE COULDN'T HAVE THIS 20 YEARS AGO." I CAN SPEND MY LIFE complaining and being angry, but really this world is super precious because Hashem is not squeezing me through other people to hurt me. He's squeezing me to invite me to reveal me to myself and those closest to us. Hashem you're not hurting me to. You're not squeezing me to hurt me. You're inviting me $100,000, $100,000. Oh. Is it worth it? Of course it's worth it. I close and I really mean it. When we conquer our anger, what is that worth? The Ariza, one of the famous uh most famous of Kabbalists, amazing insight. Kol hakoves kiilu avoda oved avoda zara. Page 105 in the Gemara in Shabbat. When I get angry, it's like I served an idol. Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah. Idol worship is one of the three avayrot, three violations which I should give my life away for. So why are you giving me this guilt trip that when I get angry, it's as though I did one of the three worst avayrots? Comes along the Ariza and offers the contrast. Kol hakofeir beavoda zara. When I am provoked to serve avoda zara, idols and I refuse, kofeir, refuse kiilu mikayem kol hatorah kula. He gets 613 mitzvot in that moment. Is that a good deal? Now how many people do you know who were forced to serve avoda zara and refused? I don't know. Ask the Ariza how many people do you know who were provoked to anger avoda zara and refused and in that moment gets 613 mitzvot? Oh, I get I I get angered frequently by the red lights the extra traffic when the GPS doesn't work properly or sending me in the worst place where I can't GET WAYS TO WORK. I'M DRIVING me nuts. There's so many things on a daily basis and Hashem saying in that one moment it's as though I get 613 mitzvot. Is that a good deal? Listen carefully. Which is harder to do a mitzvah regular or Sorry, which do you get Which is a greater accomplishment? Which is a greater mitzvah? To do a mitzvah which is easy or to do a mitzvah which is hard? IT'S MUCH MUCH GREATER. HOW MUCH GREATER? You'll find in Avot de Rabbi Natan perek gimmel mutav mitzvah achas betzaar one mitzvah done with difficulty mutav is superior to meah mitzvot shelo betzaar. It's better than 100 without. Listen carefully. I'm being provoked to slight frustration at the Shabbat table with my kids with the traffic, uh with the drasha going on and on and on. I know you can't relate to that, but just imagine. And now you're telling me, "Wait a minute. If I conquer my anger, I get 613 mitzvot right now. But if it's not easy, that's 613 * 100, which is what?" 60 We can take a vote if you like. 61,300 MITZVOT IN ONE REGA. IS THAT A GOOD DEAL? YES OR NO? WE'RE NOT FINISHED YET. ALMOST. Orchot Tzaddikim Shaar Simcha tells us, "When you do a mitzvah besimcha with a smile and it's not easy is that worth the same as a regular mitzvah or it's worth more because you're doing it besimcha with happiness?" Oh, doing a MITZVAH BESIMCHA IS MUCH WORTH MUCH MORE. OH, SO listen carefully. We're being provoked to anger, 613. And we conquer ourselves, 613 mitzvot. And it's not easy, 61,300. AND YOU DO IT WITH A SMILE. What's 61,300 * 1,000? Says Shaar HaSimcha in Orchos Tzaddikim, written 700 years ago, when you do a mitzvah b'simcha, it's worth elef yados, 1,000 times more than a regular mitzvah. 61,300 * 1,000 is 61 million 300,000 mitzvos in one moment of provocation we refuse to bow down to avodah zarah, anger. Does God hate me or love me when he invites me to reveal that I can change me? 61 million 300,000? Last example. It's Shabbat and you're doing whatever you're doing on Shabbat. Is it worth the same as during the weekday or is it worth more because of the kedushah of Shabbat? Shabbat is worth more. How much more? Parshas Mishpatim, I think it is of Ben Ish Chai, elef. 1,000 times more. So here you are at the Shabbat table and your mother-in-law says something and it's not easy. YOU CONQUER THE ANGER, 613 MITZVOS. It's not easy, 61,300. You're doing it with a smile. 61 million 300,000 and THEN SHABBAT, 61 BILLION 300 MILLION MITZVOS IN ONE REGA. IS THAT A GOOD DEAL? DOES GOD HATE me when he sends these different and difficult people in my life or is he inviting me not just to change the only person I'm capable changing, but he's inviting me to become so wealthy. I'm not just talking about points up upstairs. When we leave this world, we leave behind a yerusha, an inheritance that our children will remember dad was human, had weaknesses. Mom was in and out of rage, but I'll never forget the years and decades they worked on their marriage. They up and down, up and down, but it became more up than down until no more anger. Will it be worth it? Sure will. In the zechus, in the merit of Hashem helping us to conquer our anger and us being mitgabeir in a generation that's not easy, may be all be zocheh to see the coming of Mashiach ben Menachem Amen.