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The Power of Humility: How to Influence and Inspire Our Kids, Rabbi Daniel Glatstein # 214
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Rabbi Daniel Glatstein on Let's Get Real with Coach Menachem, Sunday December 22 , 2024 # 214 The Power of Humility: How to Influence and Inspire Our Kids
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
hi everybody Welcome to the coach
tonight Shear number
214 um I want to first thank everybody
for coming like I do every week we thank
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join us every Sunday night coming on
five
years sh again
214 and next week December 28th Sunday
making sure that's right December 29th
will not be a there'll be Sunday shabas
weekend
Kana be with the families eating lkas
eating Donuts playing drel so we're
going to pass on next week's program and
the following week January 5th
2025 going to have an amazing program
hopefully not confirmed maybe r andz or
maybe somebody else not confirmed but
he's coming on soon we work on a lot of
other programs r y a few very deep
programs so please uh join us for next
year it's going to be a lot of powerful
stuff so again thank you for everybody
for coming tonight and we're going to
turn it over to coach ma bernfeld tell
usat first go to theat First totally
forgot so tonight's share is share 214
the gatria for 214 is take it away shom
everyone Toom number
214 the power of humility how to
influence and Inspire our kids one must
realize we are a precious nation and
every child is a treasure for the entire
CL which leads us up to tonight schema
214 equals
the precious
Nation
okay turn over to coach
coach what what are we trying what are
we trying to glean tonight from tonight
she what's the point why are we here
tonight
first very nice and I want to welcome
everyone all the newcomers welcome to
another let's get real with Coach man
we're doing class number 24 we have this
to have back with us m
I want to thank all of those that sent
feedback after last week's Sunday was a
very very
interesting um topic with Rabbi
cats I'm talking about the law of
attraction from the Toy's
perspective and uh interesting feedback
I read them all you know we always get
to see where people
are and uh yeah it struck a cord for
many and some this way and some that way
which is okay you know it's part of how
things
work and we're continuing on this uh
journey to try to figure out you know
our mission our T what hasem wants from
us and tonight we have this host Neil
gladin some people would think you know
okay fine no maybe it's not so
interesting but what I can tell you RAB
gladin from listening to his shum from
hearing other people the feedback from
other people it's it's there's nothing
boring it's just gets exciting to listen
so um the topic
of it's just interesting um there are
different religions that before the kids
grow up they give them like a year to go
um explore the world go check it out and
they hope hopefully they come back and
follow their uh their path and it's an
interesting
by there are many people
that have
the and the way they were they got from
their parents that's the way they want
to be their kids which is amazing and
then there are those who just don't want
to do it the same way didn't work out
well for them so they wanted to figure
out a different way how to the
kids and um the MS is there is a mo
raenu when he got married
I think this is will help help me out
with the m but it says that he had a he
had a a conversation
with of how to be their
kids claimed that you know I've done it
all tried it all and I realized I came
to thear myself
that and that's the Mahal let them go
out let them grow up let them figure it
out let them try everything out and they
should realize versus is you send them
to the the and there's only one Mahal
only one option and uh are we choosing
am I the way I am because I chose or
this is where they put me and there's no
two ways about it so it's a very
interesting thought to
idea and mem tonight we're going to be
discussing these ideas about and I do
want to mention
um for the and um one of the things you
write in the sa is 13 different schas
how to to to have and the first one
is so the first one takes
us I'm sure there's more of and and for
those who are you know and were rle
withas and with hopefully that's School
number one that we should all be to have
kids
and we'll be able to have a discussion
tonight with a lot of for those who are
struggling or don't know how trying to
figure it out
so we
should for being with
us beautiful okay so tonight's year with
Daniel gladin is we titled it how to
influence and Inspire our children the
power of humility um I'm G to read re
gl's bio and then re gladin will open it
up and questions and you know I'll try
to get as much out of re gladin as
possible found
ofed New Jersey is one of is one of the
Jewish world's most popular speakers and
resp has more than 10,000 recorded sh I
don't know by now what he's up to but
you know millions of viewers on T
anytime he sites rabid dg.com and
numerous other platforms of glassing the
author of the series
I'm reading in English hard to read as
well as numerous bestselling English
titles published by Art schol then we
had we did a
share and then this other this book
right to give the and who knows how many
other books R Danel for coming back we
love having you here the floor is
yours thank you aser thank you uh thank
you for the warm introduction it's
always a pleasure to be back here
especially this week right before Kaneka
what could be a more appropriate time of
the year to speak
about than the week of Kaneka the word
kanah comes from like reak mentioned
that the gar says outright that one who
is
frequent one who lights the properly
will
be it's every parent dream to
have to have God-fearing children to
have children of good
character and uh this is a very
important week for that and
therefore uh before we even start to
speak about methodology before we even
start to speak
about uh how we go
about raising our children but let's try
to take advantage of the
Mitzvah theah actually it's it's really
amazing that the the P both composed
special to say for one's children by the
so whether you have access to these or
you want to say it on your own words
maybe it's a good idea that after your
family lights the and you sing all the
nunim maybe just take a moment uh stand
by the left stand by the and offer a
that hem should should bless you should
bless all the all the families in that
we should all be to see
so I want to begin by speaking
about somewhat of a
revolutionary and maybe even shocking
General approach
to and really to understand the right
relationship we should try to develop
with our children in order to be able to
give over to them the ideals that we
would like to look we all have the same
idea we all want to pass on to our
children the ideals of Tyra we all want
them to be God-fearing we all want them
to have good
character we want them to be polite we
want them to be courteous we want them
to be menl and we want them to have all
the mid that the t uh
encourages and but the question is you
know how are we going to get there how
how do we impart that to our children
not everything we tell them seems to be
uh received and accepted so what kind of
relationship can we develop what kind of
method can we use to you know the goal
we know what the goal is the goal has
been the same from the beginning of time
the goal has been the same since but
sometimes we need to so to speak tweak
the approach and what worked in one
generation may or may not work in the
next generation and what worked with
your first kid may not work with your
second kid you know just a general rule
when it comes to even before I start R
said an amazing idea he said kids do not
care what you say it's irrelevant what
you say so if you think you're going to
come to the shabas table you know you're
going to take out a par sheet and read
about lashara it's it's it's almost
worthless they're not listening to the
par sheet you something you
say they they're not even looking at how
you what you do personally a child will
only pick up how you act to that child
so shim doesn't care what you say he
doesn't care what you say to Ru he
doesn't care how you act to ruin shim
only cares how you act to shim that's
the rule that Ram once said but that's
not what I want to speak about
tonight I want to take you
to and the reason I want to take you to
that is ra ra Gamel ra Gamel renovich
who's many consider him not only one of
the great mam today but one of the great
masim today and he's a major address
for youth at risk for parents having
difficulties with children and he paints
an amazing picture he says basically
what we ask a kid to do in
2024 is no less than an AA I mean
imagine you tell you tell your kid
Yani uh
ra don't look at what they do in the
street don't look at secular society
don't look at the Billboards don't
admire the ideals of the secular World
instead what we want you to do is forget
about the Glamour and the glitz of the
outside world we want you to focus
on do you understand what we're telling
a kid today we're telling a kid to give
up the glamour of the outside world to
live a world of spirituality of
discipline says what we ask a child to
do today is no less
than maybe even more difficult you know
and now putting it in that light so
let's try to figure out how did Abraham
raise a kid who was willing to do such a
thing you know we know it was a
difficult test for ab but AB had to
be to agree to go to so what was the
trick so says like this you know God
says to
Abraham and God tested Abraham and what
does Abraham respond to the to the
request of
hem and Abraham says one word
H behold here I am what does Rashi say
there Rashi says the word h is a of
humility humility so when God asked
Abraham is that you are you ready I want
I'm asking something of you abam said
behold here I Amash
says of being prepared and a of humility
okay we would expect that after all AB
is talking to the almighty a little
while later Abraham and Y are both
headed toward the
AA and Y gets win that you know
something's up what's going on over here
and Y says to Abraham hey Abraham Tata
is that you is that you Abraham is that
you daddy is that you tati and what does
Abraham say to Abraham says to H behold
here I am the same word and expression
of humility that Abraham used to God
Almighty Abraham used to his child sayam
Gamel from here we learn a great
principle the same humility you must
have before the master of the universe
you need to have to your children the
same way you would speak
toam with humility and you need to speak
that way to your children say you think
it's any wonder that Abraham was to have
a child like a godar a child who willing
to go to the AA it's because Abraham
spoke to him with humility sayam gam you
could say whatever you want about
raising children what your parents did
what your grandparents did what they did
in Europe say I'm going to tell you the
facts the facts are in almost every
situation again I'm not saying my
opinion I'm not a great expert I'm just
telling you what G
taught in most cases
difficulties that children have growing
up in the teenage years and uh
recognizing who they are and and so to
speak being comfortable in their old
skin come from parents being
overbearing and being speaking to
children with authority and demands and
not speaking to children with humility
say Gamel if we want our children to
pass the test of 2024 we need to follow
in the ways
abrah was to raise a to elevate a child
because he valued him he understood him
he appreciated him he elevated him he
spoke to him with humility the same way
that he spoke to God and then G says
something and I'm very I'm very hesitant
to say it so it's just between me and
you don't tell anyone I don't want
anybody making clips of this you know
okay so nobody has Rus to repeat what
I'm saying if you're listening now good
it's between me and you don't say it
last night in Lakewood I heard gladstein
say you never heard me say it I never
said it you have no permission to clip
it I don't want any videos going around
I'm just telling you what Ramel said and
this appeared in the first edition of
the safer and then in the next edition
of the saer they took it out and I think
the reason they took it out is I don't
think you're even allowed to say this
okay it's atile it's
probably it is it's heretical okay okay
you can't say this and I'm not saying it
I'm just saying what you can't say but
he says it and then they took it out so
I'm telling you what was said and then
taken out but so take it with many
grains of s sand but but you need to
hear it anyway when gam said that his
mother would say and again I would never
say this I don't even think you're
allowed to say this but his mother would
say if the Tyra was written today and
that expression alone you're not allowed
to say
that but she said if it
was it wouldn't say honor your father
and mother it would say honor your son
and daughter and again you're not all to
say that and that's why they took it out
of the saare and I never said it and you
never heard me say that but the point
being is that if you want to have a
fighting shot of raising children who
can stand up to the test of the of the
test the Allure of the secular world the
Allure of American
society they need to feel that you value
them that you appreciate them that you
understand them and you're speaking to
them not as an authority but as a friend
and this is a very important Eide and
it's not my Eide I'm going to share with
you now a a a fundamental principle
that's found in Rashi throughout
kyula I'm going to give you a few
examples
we're coming up next week's para not me
you know and the
brothers the brothers uh are standing in
front of Y and Y reveals
himself and the brothers are they're
they're they're dumbfounded they don't
know what to say the brothers are are
they can't get a word out of their mouth
and YF says don't sweat it don't worry
don't worry you didn't send me here God
sent me here
God made me a father to Pharaoh says
Rashi what did YF mean that God made him
a father to parro God didn't make ysep a
father ysf was second in command says
rashi rashi is defining the word a if I
were to ask you define what does it mean
to be a parent so many people say a
parent is a teacher a mentor a guide a
role model wrong wrong wrong wrong a
parent is not a teacher is not a guide
yes that's what they should do but
that's not the
definition what's the definition look at
Rashi by the way Rashi was an orthodox
rabbi did you know that rash was
Orthodox says
rash a friend and a supporter says
also another Orthodox Rabbi says of shim
Schwab from here we learn from these
simple comments of Rashi we learn the
definition of a
parent is a
friend and the barometer of how good of
a job we're doing as a parent
is are we our children's best friend in
the world okay now says we don't even
have to look at Rashi it's AES you know
the the tells us about the most severe a
in the T do you know what the most
severe a in the Torah it's called a
mesis someone who seduces another to
ser and it says it doesn't matter who
seduces you we're not going to have any
Mercy on them they could be they could
be your child they could be your brother
they could be your aunt
or or your soul friend you know there's
someone in this world
that's your soul friend who's your
soulle friend
rash your dad your mom your father your
mother your T your mommy
is give you one more example one more
example you know in uh last week y was
running away from
Lon and it says he called he called his
brothers he says hey hey brothers gather
the stones soash what do you mean
Brothers y doesn't have
brothers Rashi says Brothers Zu his
children says from here we learn that if
you want to have peace in your house you
need to treat your children like they're
your
brothers where do we learn this
from says
the by the way the says your older
children older children means I don't
know teenagers young adults doesn't
necessarily mean you know threeyear olds
and 5year olds but the point being is
that even though it sounds like a
revolutionary idea and a new new idea
and a modern idea but this is coming
from Rashi this is coming from the this
is coming from Rim Schwab this is coming
from the simple reading of that the t's
definition of parenting is are your are
you your child's best friend in the
world and in that context if your
children feel your
friendship then you will be successful
in being a teacher a role model a guide
and a mentor but as an authority
figure it doesn't work it doesn't work
I'll just share with you one last thing
in the writings of the son of the he
says that that when he and his father
walk on the street people didn't know
they were father and son they thought
they were brothers that's how the
treated them by the way the was also an
orthodox Rabbi okay so this is all
M this is not you know you'll hear a lot
of classes about
parenting and they're valuable
especially if they're coming from people
with
experience but what I'm sharing with you
is not only experience this
is this is this is what our teaches us
so it's always important to know you
know it's it's worthwhile to hear
experts it's worthwhile to hear
Specialists but it's important that the
teachings and principles are rooted into
and this idea that may sound
revolutionary and I know I've said it to
audiences and espe and and people
sometimes say well that's not how they
did it in the in the old generation
whether whether that is true or not some
would say you know the good parents even
were always their children's best friend
but certainly in our times this not only
ISU but this is also what works in
reality yeah is that my that's my piece
my opening piece okay Danelle beautiful
okay a lot to talk about tonight we
going to get clarity on this um let's
start with a poll and after the polls we
will take live questions anybody has a
question please send it to Asus over
here remember the live questions go
first here so uh please ask him away
anything here we go let's do the polls
first okay the first question in your
opinion what makes parents most
influential like in your opinion like
what's the what do you think influences
the kids the most from the parents point
a demonstrating humility and respect B
consistent consistently setting clear
boundaries C being a role model for
values and actions or D showing
unconditional love and support this is
your opinion what you think number two
which aspect of parenting do you find
the hardest the third question is
similar to the second question but it's
a little bit of different different
answers of focing focusing on different
things so again the second question
which which aspect of parent parenting
do you find the hardest a avoiding
mistakes admitting mistakes to my
children B listening without judgment C
letting go of the need to always be
right or D treating my children as
individuals with their own needs and
opinions third question what are your
biggest challenges in baren thing is
focusing on the other part is staying
patient and managing my
emotions communicating effectively with
my
child see balancing Authority with
empathy
and D admitting mistakes and practicing
humility those are three questions
answer it and then we will review
it okay five more
seconds okay here we go let's sh with
everybody
okay the first question in your opinion
what makes parents most most influential
14% say demonstrating humility and
respect 4% consistently setting clear
boundaries the number one answer of
people are saying being a role model for
values and actions most people feel that
when we DAV properly and we're El that's
what really makes the most influence on
our kids 38% of people say showing
unconditional love and support good I'm
happy most people did not say the point
that I came here to say is the most
important Point otherwise I wouldn't
need to be here tonight yes
instinctively the knee-jerk re the the
most people would say be a role model
and they'll defin they'll pick
up uh the values of the parents that's
definitely true children want to pick up
the values and actions of the parents
however there is a precondition and the
precondition is before a child could
pick up your values they have to feel
you value
them so it's impossible as much as a
child would like to learn and Dav and
act like a parent if they don't feel the
self-worth that the parent instills in
them by showing them respect and
humility the something will get lost in
the transition that's that's what ra is
teaching that's what we see from uh the
words of K so
yes if is only apply applicable if it's
Al but even more basic is that they need
to see that you value
them number two which aspect of
parenting do you find the hardest 9%
admitting mistakes to my children 44% of
people find that this is the hardest
aspect of parenting for them listening
without
judgment 17% letting go of the need to
always be right 30% treating my children
as individuals with their own with their
own needs and option number one by far
is listening without judgment people
have a very hard time with that and
number two treating my children as
individuals with their own needs and
options
yeah well look the the idea of judgment
is uh also it's very popular to say that
we need to listen without judgment but
let's pass on that one because it's uh
it's a little bit of a different topic
okay okay let's go to the last question
what is the what are your biggest
challenges in parenting 46% of people
most people say staying patient and
managing their own emotions 23% of
people communicating effectively with my
child 26% balancing Authority with
empathy 4% admitting mistakes and
practicing humility so um yeah that's
pretty managing emotion that seems to be
the most challenging yeah that yeah we
could understand that you know that's uh
certainly one of the biggest challenges
in life in general not only with our
children but in any situation in life to
so to speak uh stay
stay balanced stay in check and to be
able to be levelheaded and rational and
not be affected by uh swing of
emotion okay so we'll go to the first
question um let me see what they sent in
here we
go so the way they WR it it was before
they heard your speech Let's see it's
sad that in today's generation we're
told to meet our kids on their level why
is it that as parents were expected to
lower ourselves to where they are is
that really what is supposed to be
shouldn't our children be looking up to
us as role models and
stads um that's a very important
question and you know I I understand why
somebody may feel uh that it's demeaning
so to speak for the parent to have to
lower themself to the child but this is
really the point we're trying to make
one should not feel that it's the
meaning to lower themsel to a child that
is that is exactly what is that is what
Hashem does to
us God descended on Mount Si to give the
Torah to the Jewish
people we we have to speak to our
children and deal with our
children according to their level and
according to their level of
understanding and according to their uh
capability and according to their uh
Saga and that's the honor of a of a
parent the moment a parent says
that it's not sad to have to lower
yourself to your child that's the great
gift that God gave you because he's
allowing you to emulate
him and if you're able to lower yourself
we lower oursel to our children in order
to raise them up but if we're going to
expect them to look up to us it may be
too far of a of a of a a vision for them
to uh see all the way up that that's our
responsibility that's what works it's
not sad at all that's the effective
means of
of I think we have to discuss why it's
hard for people to hear why I guess it's
a New Concept you know and you mentioned
also it's not something that you would
say the first few years obviously and
over there you know you do have to have
boundaries and even when they're older I
think it's hard for people
to learn how to implement the idea it
makes sense but then you have a kid that
wants to do ab andc and you don't think
it's a good
idea and you know that's where the
struggle starts you want to be on their
level you want to be their friend but at
the end of the day you have to tell them
no so I think it's hard to figure out
how to do it now look when when a child
sees that the parents recognize them for
who they are what their individual needs
are what their individual inclinations
are who they are as a person then the
child is willing to sometimes be to the
parent because even a good friend a good
friend is not somebody that you have
good conversations with a good friend is
somebody who could steer you right as
well I mean what is a good friend a good
friend is someone who gives good advice
a good friend is someone who you're
comfortable speaking to a good friend
could tell you hey Yani you know this
stay away from that this is not good for
you but the first thing is the parent
has to show the kid that they know who
he is and I I want to sort of segue into
into another important
aspect and another just very important
Rashi and look I personally like to
emphasize how these ideas are rooted in
the T everybody knows with with Yakov
and as you know how in the world do you
have two kids kids that come from the
same household and the same father and
mother and one of them becomes
the he's you know he's speaking at the
mat shabas at Thea convention and the
other guy's a you know mass murderer how
did two parents produce this these two
kids you know if you look carefully at
the words of rashi rashi says that when
they were young nobody
recognized their personality and then
all of a sudden they grew up and yov
went to the B Med and Asa became a
wicked person sham says what Rashi means
to say is that not that nobody
recognized nobody put in the effort to
recognize the unique character of yov
and as meaning the learns that Rashi and
kazal are criticizing and we don't have
the authority to heaven forbid criticize
the the but the understands Rashi is
uncovering a critique on uh on Y and RKA
that they didn't try to understand who
asov was they thought the same way you
could send Yakov to the Yeshiva and he's
going to sit and learn you could send
asov to the same Yeshiva and he'll do
the same
thing says what happened to is that the
parents gave as the same that they gave
they said if Yeshiva a worked for yov
then let's send as to that Yesa after if
you send two kids to the same Isa
they'll give you a bigger tuition break
and carpo will be easier and the friends
will be easier and shabas play dates
will be easier and they made a
mistakein says that when asov saw that
his parents stuffed him into the same
classroom and the same style of that
they gave yob as said I don't want to
sit and learn I can't be in a Bas Med
all day and I'm going to be forced to be
in a study hole the same day like my
brother I'm out of here I'm not
interested
the critique of on and rif was they
didn't try to understand asov is a
different guy than Yakov was asov is a
man of the outside world they needed to
harness the individual character of asov
and bring out his potential so one of
the
critical uh pieces of advice for for
parents is that a child needs to feel
that you understand their unique
qualities you understand and they are
they're maybe they're not studious but
they're artistic maybe they're not
studious but they're musical that the
parent has an eye out to understand who
is my child that's part of the
Friendship aspect where you want to
understand the unique qualities where
the child recognizes that you are
putting in effort to understand who they
are uniquely different than the other
children in the
family so this is not sad I wouldn't say
this is sad this is a privilege this is
the privilege that a parent is entrusted
with then a lot of live questions so
let's go through the live questions
sure hi I'm
mute Hi how are
you hasem um I have a question um I
understand what you say about uh being
more uh friends to your children I
understand on on emotional level right
but um if you if if you were taught that
um uh the relationship with the parents
is the same relationship we should have
withad we are not friends to who we are
servants we are that his children but we
are not
friends and uh also time out let me just
address that we are
servants we are children children and we
are friends we are
friends every every shabas by shus the
climax of our relationship with Hashem
after talking about that we're hashem's
our Mel and after saying hashem's our
father and after saying hashem's our
husband we sing did nees my best
friend the ream allows us to say he's
our friend that means we have
with when when the tells us when came
into
the
says what's my friend doing here I
didn't mention this before the in all of
his writings to his son he always says
his son um
did yeah
so okay so um the the way that we we are
taught how to um to to have dhit to our
parents um it's uh by not sit in their
chair stand up when they they come to
the room it's a lot of um um the
relationship is more of a Authority is
not of a friend everything that says
about the D it's all the the the
learnings what you do about the rits it
doesn't show anything about it and
that's what we are taught
by by by sages so how can you some all
of a sudden in this generation we say
oops forget about you can sit in my
chair forget about it you know you don't
need to stand up anymore like you're my
friend you you you don't have to listen
me as an authority I think I think what
they say it was like more of a uh you
have you have to also have um fear the
same fear we have from makash
you have to fear your parents I
understand there's definitely um
according to Torah law there's kav you
know you bring a child you bring a
parent food you bring a parent drink you
bring a parent clothing that's Cav
there's zura you don't sit in their
chair you don't contradict their
words but but if a father chooses to
forgo his
honor if a father tells a kid you could
sit in my chair the kid could sit in the
chair the father tells the kid
that it's okay it's okay you you could
do that then the father could Overlook
his honor
so in our generation we have very strong
precedent that the focus needs to be on
cultivating the friendship and if you do
that your children will be much more
likely not to sit in the chair sh and
not to contradict your words then if you
act like an authority figure the son
writes that Cavo for our father we had a
little bit and Y for our father we
didn't have at all you could look
in where his son said our father the was
not
on at all now that was hundred years
ago and you could be sure that if that's
how the dealt with his
children that in our time it's probably
not it didn't change that much if
anything so I understand what you're
saying there are certain parameters
people people are asking like line I
mean even until recently the generations
even our generation we brought up with
more stronger not with this like love BL
be best friend no so I'm not I'm not I'm
not lovey doy over here I'm talking
about the context of how you could
influence children specifically older
children teenagers young
adults whether this was done in previous
generations or not that's for you know
you to do your own
research if in reality if you want to be
successful they're saying that's what
the generation is holding because we're
seeing that the the push back is so
strong these days no this is this is not
out of weakness I'm not saying to be to
give into your children out of weakness
because because uh they're not listening
to you so you know you have no choice
but to to Curry favor with them and I'm
not talking about currying favor and I'm
not talking about not telling them what
to do you know sometimes a parent wants
to know well I'm afraid to tell this to
my child why are you afraid if you're
really their friend you should have no
problem at all telling it to them the
same way if you had a good friend you
you could speak your mind there's no
there's nothing wrong with a parent
speaking their mind to a children
obviously you have to pick your battles
but what I'm talking about is in what
type of context and what kind will you
in reality being be successful in
influencing your children you could
choose to so to speak take the and then
sort of model your relationship based on
that but in reality what is have showed
over the last many generations is that
that's not the relationship that the
Torah would recommend that we cultivate
in a relation in a relationship of
friendship a child is more likely to
have
genuine and
kav you know the question is if your kid
has something on on their
mind are they going to tell you are you
going to be the first uh for them to
share it with or do they have some
friend down the block that they're going
to share that with if they have people
in their life that they are closer to
than
you then you are not fulfilling your
role as a parent in its full
sense okay let's go to the next question
okay sure
yeah hi how are
you have to mute there hi hi okay so my
question is like this um so I grew up
like most did we expecting our parents
and having strict parents
like a strict home and now all of a
sudden we need to be so ready for our
kids and not take anything from them but
to give them and I know I want to know
how we could do it how we could stay um
strong with that like we didn't get and
here we need to give and give and give
well like I feel like so empty and all
of a sudden I need to be ready
to always be um like friendly calm um
accepting
and whatever yeah so you know I I just
want to rephrase something even though
many people say so we suddenly we
suddenly you know Rashi lived a thousand
years
ago you know this this is what we what I
would call Jewish parenting from time
and Memorial the lived 200 years ago the
lived 100 years ago so look
the fact that the fact that you know
maybe people grew up in difficulty and
in poverty and in persecution and that
may have affected people's mindset and
people's relationships that could be but
this is I I'm not I'm not sharing with
you a new idea I'm not sharing with you
an Innovative idea this is not a
revolutionary idea this is classic
traditional Jewish parenting
Al in that and I I just want to rephrase
something also when you say you grew up
with respect for a parent our goal is
that our children should also grow up
with respect for their parents and they
should not sit in our seat and they
should not contradict our words but you
need to have a friendship with them so
if your kid likes to play the guitar or
your kid likes to play baseball you need
to be the one doing that with
them as their best friend and if you're
able to do that then it is more likely
they will have genuine respect and even
what we call reverence for you if you
could get down on the floor and play
Lego with them because that's what the
Kid Likes then he could have healthy
respect for you but as an authority
figure it don't
work you just have to relearn many
people have to relearn
because you're right it's coming from
many years ago
but because of what we saw from our
parents and you know they by them it was
year and maybe
only so now when we're trying to you
know clarify what's the real Mahal a lot
of people need help just figuring out
how to do that so I think that's where a
lot of people have a hard
time yeah thank
you yeah I I understand the the
challenge of
adjusting the uh
you know you wouldn't have expected that
these were this would be the traditional
approach to Jewish parenting you know
you would think okay the gum said that
you know we have to be an authority and
we have to say it as it is and we have
to reprimand and but but what could we
do you know our generation can't handle
it that's that's not what I'm here to
say I'm not saying that this is a
product of our weak
generation I am sharing what I think is
the ideal
right but you know I'm just trying I'm
just seeing where why people are having
such a hard
time I mean I'm personally familiar with
the great rashash Shiva who always says
that he grew up that his mother was his
best friend he unabashedly always talks
about that you know we're talking about
one of the real experts and and uh
and teachers of of our time so you know
this this is not a this is not a new
idea I think we should we should talk
about that a little bit of how to and it
really starts from day one um it starts
from day one your relationship with your
child when they're younger you know to
be there for them listen to them and
eventually they grow up you're there
you're not learning something new that's
number one and another thing I'm
thinking is when people have their own
triggers and their own emotions that we
discussed before that many times their
kids would bring up stuff that they
can't listen to you know we don't talk
about this no it doesn't work you know
they're used to talking that way because
that's the way they grew up so that's
where they'll need some adjustment but
here's a a question that somebody sent
in I feel like no matter what I do I'm
not really connected with my kids does
it even make a difference or will they
just figure it out on their
own well no it's our
responsibility that they don't figure it
out on their own and that we figure out
how a way to connect with them and
that's why we we really do have to try
to lower ourself you know we have to
find out what what is our kid interested
in you know what what's he doing in his
free time what are they involved in what
do they like to talk about what are
their interests what are their
inclinations do we cultivate that do we
say wow I I notied that you're uh you
know at the shabas table you're bringing
a book to the table now you don't like
when they bring a book to the table but
you sort of observe oh they're reading
about this subject oh you like about
that can I maybe I should you want to
you want you want me to get you a book
about that or you know let's discuss
that it's very important that a kid
feels that the parent recognizes their
unique ability talents creativity and so
forth that's that's a a major principle
in
parenting let's just play it out when
when you have you're talking about
general relationship ship but what
happens when you have a conflict or
something that they're doing that you
don't approve of is it the same like
friendly like oh I don't think it's a
good idea like you're coming home at 3
in the morning or it's more like no you
got to be home at 12:00 with with
like be more clear what we're talking
about versus like you're saying in a
very general sense again right now now
right now we're talking about what we
call Healthy parenting right we're
talking about what's the ideal
relationship you should try to cultivate
with your
child ideally if you're able to
cultivate such a relationship so the
level of conflict is minimized because
you know you're on the same page you
want to know you didn't do this and you
have a a Rocky and rough relationship
with your kid so now how how do you
resolve
that you know so you're sort of coming
after after the fact but you know the
the the background over here is what is
the proper way to to cultivate this
relationship so you don't you don't have
these uh so to speak uh acute conflicts
to begin with once you do so obviously
the best way to resolve it is to explain
to them like you would explain to uh you
could like you would explain to any
child uh to any friend you know you
explain to them in a calm rational
manner you know I I don't think this is
a good idea um this is not good for you
this is not going to help you be
successful in life this is not going to
be good for your future like you would
to any friend obviously there's certain
kind of uh so to speak dangerous type of
behavior that might require a different
reaction but here we're not talking
about conflict the resolution we're
talking about how to cultivate the the
ideal relationship in the first place to
to limit uh conflict you basically let's
just clarify talking about this is the
ideal relationship that we're always
brought up with the parent is authorit
the authoritative power and this is
respect keep aim and this is the way we
do it more with a more gentle friendly
like wanting to be as long as both
parties the father and the son and the
mother and the daughter are in that yeah
but more than just more than just more
like a friendly relationship a friendly
relationship it doesn't work to say well
you know this is what my this is what we
did this is how it's done take it or
leave it no I'm saying not like that
that doesn't work the the definition of
parent according to the Tyra is a Rel a
relationship of
friendship the question is when the
typical teen starts being
teenager or he starts going worse than
teish and he's not in a good place how
does how do how does that play out when
you can't be so friendly that's that's
when they say k give them all the love
we're not we lost it you know what what
R Gamel is teaching right and this is
what he says he says that he finds that
in the vast majority of cases not all
cases it's because this relationship was
not cultivated to begin with you know
you're asking well what happens if well
then then this was not cultivated if
this would be cultivated this this so to
speak this type of framework for
parenting ensures that the conflict
level is to a minimum you know you don't
you don't have this you won't NE you
know it doesn't mean you'll never have
this but this type of uh framework would
be the so so to speak the SEC net to
ensure that uh conflict level and
challenge level is to a
minimum so he's basically saying that
when the child throws attention when
they're two years
old that's where we have to make sure
that we don't put up that wall
is this is what we do and this is what
you're going to listen to because if not
you know what's going to happen and then
you become an authority and then the
next 25 years you're you're you're the
authority party so it's really learning
healthy relationship with those children
when they're very young how to stay
there when they tant them and you
shouldn't lose it being able to
understand hold their
hands that you should be able to get to
a place where they will feel that you
understand them and they can listen so
it's really like
beginners yes the you know to be TR
truthful the does say that this level of
friendship is much more vital when the
children are older again we don't have a
precise age I don't know that it's an
exact science you know when they turn 11
when they turn 12 you know you have to
uh relationship has to be there from day
one meaning yeah absolutely relationship
has to be there about day one
yeah okay let's put on the next uh
caller hi hi thank you for taking my
question um so I have two questions
number one um I understand and I agree
that it's very important to you know
enjoy your kids and you know have good
times with them um how no no no just
this is not about enjoying your kids and
having good times with them no I mean
like doing like you know like you said
like sharing interests with them right
like
building that's just an example but the
the point is that's reflection of the
relationship we're looking to cultivate
I do I'm sorry to cut you off and I do
want to say you know I gave a 10-minute
uh Soliloquy about parenting there's an
entire book over here that was one
chapter so you know we're basically
zooming in and honing in on one aspect
of parenting there's an entire body of
of things to focus on and pointers and
ideologies this was one of many things
so it's not all it's not only about this
but this is an important Cog so I just
you know wanted to mention okay so no so
okay thank you I just I wanted to know
like you know as a parent it's you know
we're exhausted you know so I'm just
wondering like how often is it important
to you know to give that to your
children is once a week enough is does
it have to be every week does it have to
be um more than once like I mean let's
say one evening I don't mean like five
minutes of the of your once a week but
how much time can you say
should be given to you know each of your
children that that just shows you that
just shows you why it's so hard for
parents to actually get to that place we
we're working two jobs we're out the
door there's so much going on we don't
have time for them yeah I don't have
that relationship with my child I I just
can't and then we have six each one is
different how that I you know just I
wouldn't say that I don't have I don't
have that relationship barash I feel
that I do but but some weeks are just
heavy weeks where you're out a lot in
the evening and you know okay so you
have two evenings of the week that
you're finally at home like is that
enough or or is do I need to avoid
wedding you know you know it's not like
um uh it's not like alula van you have
to pick it up and Shake It x amount of
times and then it's are we giving the
child the feeling that we get them that
we understand them and when you give
that over
then if you're busy one week but he
knows you get him he understands because
he also is sometimes busy the point is
does the kid un recognize does the kid
see that you dig them you know who they
are you appreciate them you value them
you recognize that you know them and
then if if they get that message then it
doesn't have to be every day you know by
the way I will I will share with you an
amazing
you know the says that the same way we
have aah to
be you have to learn every morning every
night he says you need to
be every day to make sure that your
children needs are addressed there's a
there's a mitvah
of for your children so which means you
have to make sure they're ding properly
and they're learning properly and their
needs are met and and well and and
you're giving them the proper
attention so I have another part of the
question um I have a 16-year-old son
who's in a
dorm and it's local the reason why he's
in the dorm is because he has a lot of
sisters and a lot of girly stuff going
on so you know together with the hollow
we decided that you know it would be
best for him to be in the dorm now
lately I started feeling like he comes
home shabas he spends you know a little
time by the suda then he runs out to Tes
comes home chabas morning spends some
time by the suda sits around a little
reading and then leaves to so like I
just feel like the connection with the
family it's like it's kind of
diminishing and I feel even with myself
I I really don't have that much time
with him when do I get to sit and talk
and hear what's going on in his life so
I suggested to him that maybe he should
spend one night a week at home so he's
like I hear you but don't think it's
important I'm not I'm telling you I'm
good so what do you
think how he's 16 years old and you said
it's in a it's in a I didn't catch all
the details yeah yeah
Park look you know maybe it doesn't have
to be every week but maybe you could say
you know um I I'm coming over I'm coming
over today should you know should I take
you out for lunch you know uh maybe
maybe we could grab a bite to eat just
for a little B I want to hear how it's
going in Yesa uh you know what are you
up to how's the learning going what do
you do during the break who who you who
you friendly with even doing that you
know once a month could have a very uh
big rush because he sees that you're
making the effort to uh to continue to
spend time with him to continue
to try to understand how he's developing
who he
is again I don't I don't think most able
to do that so you know to do that even
you know semi occasionally could go a
long
way it doesn't necess but there but
there needs to be a little bit of that
I'm saying like I feel like the way it
is right now I hardly ever get you know
if he's not in the mood of talking on
that little bit of shabas that I see him
well yeah usually teenagers they have a
neck for not answering giving any
information like if you ask how's
yiva good right you know
I have another one who Lov loves to talk
like he would come over to me and say ma
can I talk to you this one is like he
has you know yeah everything's good M
telling everything's fine and then I
just feel like but I don't know what's
really going on and I don't know what's
happening inside of him you know what I
mean so I feel
like like there needs to be some time
even once you sit down with a child to
talk it it doesn't happen in those first
five minutes necessarily and it takes
time for them to finally just start
opening up you know so so if just a half
hour lunch is not necessarily going to
reveal much of what's going on inside of
him you know what I'm
saying but but it could be very powerful
just that he sees that the the the the
interest level the effort you made the
the care you showed the that could go a
long way so even if he has a hard time
opening up and even if he's not going to
tell you
much the the concern that you show both
him it gives him it gives him support
the same the same way we are sitting
here and for many of us it's a New
Concept for our
teenagers it's for sure going to be a
New Concept many of them would love it
but others would say what what happened
you listen to share from gladin leave me
alone okay thank
you okay before we go to the next
question somebody just point out to me
if I could repeat it like we had RAB
Russy we did one program with him one of
the programs about he said basically his
General concept was like a kid from Z to
two it's basically unconditional love no
matter what they do right they spill
milk on the floor I love you you're cute
Goa Gaga right and then from two to 10
11 12 it's basically don't go here go to
sleep it's very it's not friendly it's
very like robotic type of like you have
to go to sleep you have to take a bath
it's very like telling them what to do
because they're little kids and then he
basically said again there's no specific
age but when a time and a kid has their
own self DEA then we have to as parents
realize to step it back from the telling
them what to do and being in a control
of author author authority authority
state to more of like like what you're
saying more like just being having that
close relationship it's like learning
how to change because as from two to
let's say 12 naturally that's the way we
are kids we're not like friendly
friendly we queue with them we have good
time with them that's exactly but that's
exactly where we shouldn't lose it
that's I I don't know I mean I I I'm
threey old your three-year-old when he's
when it's six o'clock what my seven-year
old tonight it's 6:30 you have to go to
bed have to do make sure that you spend
enough time in that day that he knows
you love him no I I would I would argue
I would argue that if you have a
six-year-old and it's getting late you
say uh St if if you say go to sleep and
he's gonna say no and he scream ladder
go to sleep he's just going to put up
more uh the more you pressure the more
pressure he puts back you say oh you you
want to play a little bit more okay
you're gonna play for a few more minutes
but you're so tired cha right so I'm
gonna play with you for a few more
minutes and then we're going to go to
sleep and you you'll see how much more
effective that is because first of all
the kid sees you're giving into to him
and the kid sees that you understand he
wants to play more and you're not
putting such pressure that he's going to
put pressure back and even there there's
it's an opportunity to show
understanding and even to a little kid K
that would probably be much more
effective than just the uh regular
authoritative approach sometimes you're
going to have to sometimes going to be
dead tired you
know parents don't parents have to
understand that if they're not perfect
their kids will be resilient enough that
they'll get over a normal human
shortcoming you know many parents think
that oh well I'm not perfect so I'm
going to be terrible it's okay you know
if you don't do everything you hear in
every single CL kids are resilient
enough but I would argue even smaller
kids there there's still room for uh a a
a authority of friendship than just uh a
authority of
dictatorship thing but again the point
also there there's time frames right
that things change yeah but I wouldn't
say it's so drastic two to 10 and then
all of a sudden now you know you become
a I would think it's uh much more
gradual than that right okay
okay let's go to the next Live
question
hi yeah hello it's me yes hello um first
of all I love the topic and it's so
close to my heart because being having
been a highly sensitive
child you know it's it's something that
I have to deal with a lot not having
been given you know exactly what I
needed obviously but I also want to make
a comment from the other questions that
I
heard um a lot of us many of us more
more you know maybe more in specific
communities specific families but many
of us were told and given the job to run
holding
weights before we were learn before we
we were taught how to walk right so I
just want to make this awareness and
tell all the women here that
we're we're doing the impossible we're
really really such great mothers we make
a lot of mistakes we've made a lot of
mistakes we did more than the best for
the tools we have and of course we're
getting even better every day but we
need to really really validate ourselves
and realize that we are doing almost The
Impossible because we care for our
children and we really want to be good
Mothers and we're we're you know and
we're learning the tools we were never
given
so I just want to give a shout out to
all the mothers we're really amazing
okay even for the not amazing mother
thank you I just wanted to say that
thank you for sharing that thank you
okay somebody sent in this question reic
gladon
yeah how do we figure out in today's
world one hand we can't deny our kids
the things that their friends and
neighbors have or they feel deprived on
the other hand kids have access to these
days is beyond comprehension and it's
clear how much it could harm them how do
we strike the right balance it's a very
very important
question like right I mean it's going a
little bit into a different topic but
the point is we're trying to be are
trying to be there on one hand a lot of
kids you know whatever whatever you want
to focus on the Vacations or the devices
or whatever it is that they have and you
want to give it to them on the other
hand by giving to them it causes other
problems how do we deal with this this
issue look you don't want a kid to feel
deprived but just because other kids
have something doesn't mean they have to
have it if they feel that you have their
best interest in mind if they feel that
you are their best friend in the world
if they feel that you recognize them and
you value them and that you appreciate
them you will have a much easier time
telling them Yani ra this is not good
for you I don't care that this guy has
it and that guy has it you know their
parents gave into to them because they
were weak they don't you know they don't
they just gave it to him they don't have
a real relationship with their kid but
I'm telling you I know it's good for you
not because I'm your uh I'm your master
I'm your dictator I'm I'm your older
friend you
know you'll have an easier time you know
but obviously that's the challenge of
the generation that's that's the point
thato was making if you want you have a
kid like Yak who's willing to sacrifice
and go to the AA of 2025 you better
speak to themas I mean that's that
that's how we started really you know
what we ask our kids today no don't have
that device don't go there just because
everyone's doing that everyone has that
everyone looks at that but not for you
this is not good for you the only way to
do that is
he that humility that
uh that that yov that Abu showed to
equipped him you know y said hey I don't
understand uh my friend down the block
his father's not bringing him to the AA
you know why me well he was able to do
that because the way Abraham spoke to
him was B Abraham said look I value you
I believe in you I I want to share with
you a thought just from last week
everybody you know there's a the the
movement
the just I think a very powerful
thought that you know y was able to
overcome the impossible I mean he's down
in Egypt he's a young man he's a
handsome man nobody's there there no
Jews in sight there no cameras nobody
would know either way and somehow he's
able to overcome the challenge you know
how did he do
it how did he do it because his father
was his father refused to give up on his
son his father refused to believe that
the kid was was down and out the father
refused to think that he'll never see
his kid again the parent that believes
in their kid the parent that refuses to
give up on the kid the parent who values
the kid that kid will refuse the
challenges of life and by the way it it
reverberates many generations later
you'll see at the end of saer Bas when
uh when ysep brings his two kids to yov
to manim and ysep wants to uh wants to
position them because uh he doesn't
think that the older kid is as is as
good as the younger kid and he sees into
the future maybe some people are not
worthy yob said yob I refuse to look at
it that way I refuse to give up on my
grandchildren I don't care who you think
masha's grandchildren are are going to
be I refuse to believe that my
descendants won't be successful and a
father and a grandfather who in refuses
that belief in their children their
children will conquer the world their
children will be able to overcome any
challenge so obviously it's uh it's it's
difficult telling a kid you know you
can't have that but uh you know that
that's the principle that we're learning
that's how AB was able to say guess
where we're going we're going to
hararia and the way AB was able to do
that is he tells his kid he I value you
I I humble myself before you
I respect you I know who you are you're
important to me and when a kid feels
that they're important to their FA their
father and mother the kid could do
anything I'm
muted beautiful R Glon let's go to the
next Live
question Hi how are you great thank you
um so thank you so much much I I I
understand this this very well this this
is really how I brought up like to be
very comfortable with my parents they
like not demanding respect at the same
time there are some kids that I find
maybe need that that Authority um for
example like in the example of going to
bed so if you demand that the kid if you
say to a kid go to bed and then they say
no and then you say oh you need a few
more minutes and then you play with them
or something like that so that shows
them that they could say no to a mother
as opposed to if May if we would say um
go to bed and they say no then if we say
well mommy said it's time to go to bed
so we we're going to go to bed now then
it in a calm doesn't have to be allow it
doesn't have to be a fight it's just
just in a very matter of fact way of
stating that
I'm a mother and I said something and
that's what we're going to do because
that we listen to a mother so then they
learn keep it of a when a mother says
something when a mother demands
something then it's a real thing it's
not something that we're going to say no
to and there are times maybe that that
if a mother says um you know suggest
something so then it could be negotiated
but if it's a demand go to bed and the
child's able to counteract that then
wouldn't that be like teaching them not
to have key B of
aim okay that's a a good point you're
saying that if if you just uh if you
allow them to so to speak negotiate with
you so then you're sending a message
that Mother's word is not
final
um on the other hand
on the other hand if you say this is
what I
say you're also sending another message
if you say this is what this is what I
said because I'm your mother you're
basically saying that because I'm in a
position of authority I am telling you
what to do and if one day then you're in
a position of authority to someone else
then the message is you know the big guy
the big guy says what to do and the
little guy has to listen against their
will so is that really cavod what is
cavod cavod
is a appreciation and a value for the
esteem of the parent cavod is not
authorit authoritarian command that's
not
covo you're right it's important that
parents train their kids to have C but
what is C Cav is a recognition and
appreciation for the esteem of of the
parent so if a parent would
say you had a very hard day it's very
important you go to sleep now because I
want you to feel good in the morning I
want you to learn well in the morning
it's important for you to sleep because
you'll have you'll you'll have so much
more fun tomorrow you'll be much
healthier who do you think a child will
learn more esteem have more esteem for
someone who says well this is what momy
said or even matter of fact this is what
Mommy said we listen to parents or if a
parent says you know you really need to
go to sleep now
because you had a hard time focusing
yesterday in school it's very important
for your own health and for your own
development to go to sleep the child
will learn to have more esteem if you
give them an explanation if you give it
to that if you give them a rationale if
you explain it to them in terms that
they
understand the parent will see that
you're a reasonable person uh the child
will see you're a reasonable person the
child will see you're a caring person
the child will see that you love them
that's called c c is not this is what we
do because I'm a mother is that covered
or is that just Authority I hear I mean
a per a mother could also say those
things but if they give into a uh like
to playing a game for example for a few
minutes so then that's like letting the
child take over meaning a parent could
understand the child and explain to the
like like say to the child how it's good
for them also but like while they're
bringing them upstairs it's 8 o00 their
bedtime is 8 o00 if you tell them it's 8
o00 you have to go to sleep now and they
say no and you say yes you have to do it
and they go do it but if you say you
know what I'll give you a few more
minutes and then you'll go up and they
go up happily are they taking over
are you really giving in or are you just
being smart I would argue you're not
giving in you're showing you're showing
Authority with wisdom you're showing
Authority with understanding that's true
kab question is what 805 810 if they say
no
again no I just find that some kids do
well with that but some kids will just
not they'll they'll they'll know how to
push the buttons and say the thing that
will take your Harden to what they want
yeah look these kids are they they're
they're they're trained believe me I
have I have a lot of little kids at home
and whatever I'm telling you it's easy
to say it's you know lots of luck
actually doing this but uh but I think
the more we're able to engender real kav
kav kav is an appreciation and and a
recognition for the wisdom and the
character and the of the parent so it's
not that there are some kids that need
um a more authorative parent and some
kids need I'm sure you know some kids
need a a little bit of a different
concoction than another yes every kid
needs a little bit of a different
finagling and for some kids what's a
little bit be what's a little bit more
of one one mix will work better for one
and and less for another you know it's
not the same uh one shoe fits all for
every
child but in general the general
approach of cover the general approach
of of demanding is much more effective
in the context of
friendship I
hear okay let me ask you this question
let me just hand in what can I say a few
of my kids are not from anymore I feel
like I failed as a parent what does
Hashem want for me at this point
okay
so that's uh one of the most difficult
questions that anyone could could have
to
address uh I heard from an Adam
godal who when addressing such a
question you know in general we say that
the Apple doesn't fall far from the
tree but that when the weather outside
is calm that's when the winds aren't
blowing but when there's a hurricane
outside sometimes uh the Apple could
fall very far from the tree the most
important thing uh to recognize and this
is a very empowering and very profound
yida if I could share with you you know
we say we wake up every morning we
say uh many are not aware who who
composed this it's not found in the gar
it's not found in any class Source it
was composed by a student
of and he writes in very powerful words
he says that there
are that has and they come down to this
world for whatever tick the knows that
these need and Hashem does not just
entrust them to any family
because not not every family would know
how to deal with such a child or how to
embrace such a n and Hashem specifically
selects special
people to give them such a Nish so that
they could assist this Nish to achieve
and attain the tikon that that Nish
needs to
attain and one can never get up give up
on any child one can never give up and
think that they're hopeless that they
can't correct that they can't come back
that they can't Rectify
themselves
and whatever state a child is in even a
child that's very distant parent always
has to try try his best to continue to
build Bridges to continue to develop a
relationship with to continue to DAV for
like we started off that you know the Y
of Kaneka is coming a very powerful
moment
during the year during the entire year
is
because is an opportune time to pray for
one's children really every every parent
has to
useas to pray for their children I want
to share with you something very
powerful you know we all know that if if
somebody kills B they have to run away
to an AR mlot you have to run away to a
City of Refuge and the the murderer has
to B basically stay there until the Kad
dies which is very interesting like what
the poor Kad do wrong that the the
murderer has to stay in the City of
Refuge until the kadal dies so could you
imagine all these murderers they were up
on the roof and they were you know
banging with their Axe and the axe went
flying and they accidentally killed
someone they're all now in the City of
Refuge and after doing every day they
gather
together people say what what are you
saying to Hill him for oh we're just
ding for someone to die you're doubting
for someone who are you ding yeah we're
doubting for the K to drop dead you know
every day they say
three that the K should drop that what
the k do wrong that now you know all the
murderers are pray they're all hoping
for him to
die so the gar says the K should have
prayed that under his Reign nobody
killed
B and because he didn't DAV therefore
he's punished that now people have to
stay in the AR mlad until he dies so RBA
asks wait a second where exactly does it
say in the T that it's the
job that nobody kills it says that
somewhere it says in it says in the R by
the laws of that the job of the is his
job is to do the and also to pray that
nobody kills B where does it say
that soba says must be
from here we learn that anyone who is in
a position of
authority their primary
responsibility is to pray for the
welfare and the success of those who
they are responsible for and therefore
sayola it is the primary job of a parent
and a grandparent and a
great-grandparent if you want to know
what's your main job in this world to D
for your children ding for your children
doesn't mean you it only by the it
doesn't mean you only do
it it doesn't mean you only do it like
the Mish says in m
in or
Ina it means you're doing it all day
long all day long it is the job of a
parent to pray for their children you're
driving carpool you're driving them to
yiva you're shopping in the store you're
taking them for shoes it is your primary
responsibility as a parent to pray for
the physical emotional and spiritual
welfare of your children you know the
brisar would say that most parents they
Rock their the kids to
sleep singing lullab about uh you know
some guy who climbed up a hill and then
came rolling down and his head came off
no other kids are have so much anxiety
today you know they're traumatized by
the nursery rhymes their kid parents
Sayang to them the risc says when he put
his kids to sleep it was only with to
Hill
them it was only with them people used
to come to the bris for eight for the
bris says there no eight there's only to
Hill him and tears bris says never in
his life did he D in one dry
eyed every he cried tears that his
children should be God-fearing I'll tell
you one more
story they came to the stier and they
said uh parents came to the Styer stier
what what ATS this do you have for sers
said there no there no books there no
classes there no podcasts there no
YouTube channels all there is is to H
them and tears you see my little son
over here every day this ster says I
that should
be was already 52 years old one of
the so the responsibility to Davin for
your children it doesn't it never starts
too early before they're born even and
it never ends they could be great
grandparents themselves and if you're a
parent and you have children it is your
primary job to pray for their success
and their welfare and that's a very key
ingredient after all the various
uh that we mentioned to always pray for
our children and especially if they're
not right now on what we call the
straight and the narrow then the
responsibility to pray is even greater
and never to give up on
them the a parent refuses ever to give
up on the child it would have been easy
for y to give up on y but he never gave
up and because he never gave up y was
able to overcome every challenge in life
every parent doesn't matter where their
child
is refuse it has to refuse to ever give
up on their
child Beau okay I forgot to mention
going to Little Big M coach BF everybody
should just know
the now is in middle of he's making a
bris for an anle tomorrow morning so
we're going to go to closing we're going
to wrap it up and we're gonna ask you
leave with for all the people listening
now the
future children
could play Z if we had the the audio but
let's go first to closing so girl
first coming on tonight giving
tremendous and really holding on on one
point of a safer um just really
relationship with our children and what
our Focus as far as should be and
hopefully people could really you know
internalize it buy the sa Rabel and all
the starm stores right you can buy it
anywhere in the starm stores you could
go to our site rabid dg.com it's
available there picture the book has the
book I'll send down an email
email you have the link on the uh what's
it okay so again everybody's here the
first time Sunday night 9:30 we have
this beautiful sh podcast
therapists Dan next week December 29th
we will not have a she it's going to be
Sunday Kana enjoy your time with your
family enjoy the latas enjoy the donuts
the following Sunday January 5th
2025 please join us we're going to have
a very powerful program um will email
all the details once it's all confirmed
so please looking forward and enjoy your
time off tonight's share is
214 and uh it's
batula and it's all recorded listen on
the phone at 73235 9011 thank you to all
the advertising L with scoop El 510
Central from jcn I'll go first then
Coach will'll leave it to you so again
for coming on I really appreciate
everything thank you for having me I
appreciate it my pleasure again just
want to say you know is a very tough
topic we had probably I don't know maybe
50 maybe 100 out of the 214 basically
touching on is one of those things that
are just everybody's looking for the
magic answer and it's complex and we
live in a complex time um kids today are
definitely more complicated than it was
years ago the whole generation is it's
my opinion I could be wrong but I think
what again what I'm understanding from I
might mess messed up the whole share but
what I'm understanding is ultimately
it's really the relationship that we
have with our children of treating them
with respect as human beings with their
own Concepts own ideas so we have a
little humility and you know I don't I
don't know if the words no on our part
but just like you know we can go further
with them and like maybe clarified even
the younger kids even when we talk with
them it doesn't have to be with that
auth authoritative you know strength it
could be more with friendly to strength
obviously there's no magic answer and
there's no what to do when and like
exactly how you shake but the concept is
there sure if you buy the book maybe
it's more clear in the in the clarity of
how to implement it um I think as
parents we get very scared when it comes
to our kids I always say this so
interestingly when it comes to yim's kid
re Daniel we know exactly what to
say it happened to me my wife I was in I
was in The Pizza Store few a few months
ago and I see a few struggling kids I
went over to them I bought them lunch I
Rin had a good time like we had just a
good time so nice no no judgment huh if
I see my kids in the pizza store duringa
I'm going to start screaming at him like
what happened so I think that we have to
learn when it comes to our kid that we
lose a certain clearness of mind a
certain sense of like you know what we
would do for I think it's a very hard
thing so I think we get very judged I
think we judge ourselves very hard but
we have to remember it's very hard to
have a there's a reason
why right somebody's NE somebody's
related there's a reason why people take
lawyers and to speak because when you're
you you you can't think clearly and it's
hard and I think that's very hard for
parents so it's just my opinion but it's
listen to the sh read the books and we
should all be but said after a lot of I
think RAB elepant said one of the end of
the year one of the things we talking
about also said the one you saw is the
only thing I can tell you at the end is
DAV DAV and Dav just daving day and
night gladin said but every moment you
have for your kids that's really the
ultimate and we said this many times by
Ki there is a saying that goes it's very
hard when you see you know other people
that we live in a similar community and
we give similar and we do the similar
things you see some people that have
these beautiful children that are just
like one after another like you just
look at them you're like wow you know
top boys and top girls and and then your
kids are just you know you did the same
basically within the same range and
they're all going through different
things so it's obviously a lot of that
needs to go in you need a lot of you
know sometimes is actually to have
harder kids and to work harder on
ourselves to to be these
beautiful so give everybody that they
should be to have a lot from old kids
and
grandkids coachen
amen yeah thank you thank you everyone
for the the warm
and I should everybody
should and I do want to say like we
heard before that yeah the ladies out
there the mothers out there are doing a
great job and should give them to
continue and obviously when they hear
these things it can be it can be hard
like everything I'm doing and now you're
putting more on my head it could be
harder but the concept the idea is what
I would say is it's a relationship and
it's not only with your kids it's with
your spouse it's really to understand to
relate to be able to be there for them
so they feel that you're there for them
so you can talk if they have something
to say and yes So eventually they can
understand that you mean they're good to
go to sleep it's it's that's what a
relationship is and sometimes they like
it sometimes they don't but they know
that you have a healthy relationship so
you know and obviously to how to work it
out step by step so we'll have to go to
the courses professional
but that's it boils down to that having
an healthy relationship and like we
heard before when it's our own kids
we're emotionally involved and the
triggers the buttons and it gets hard
and we lose it and that's where we have
to understand okay I it's okay to lose
it once in a while but like we heard
from we have to be with our
kids run out to spend time with our kids
every day and that's that's a New
Concept like I don't have time how do I
do this they don't want it okay but
first understand listen to these ideas
Hashem should help us all like we
heard hem please guide us open our eyes
and mem we should be able to fill
fulfill our TK taking care of ourselves
our kids healthy way thank
you
Dan thank you very much thank you coach
thank you for for the
opportunity
and one thing we need to realize we have
uh ourselves father mother but we have a
third partner and that's ream they're
three every child has three Partners so
when we DAV in we need to say hey
ream you're one of the shareholding
partners over here we we need your help
not just because we need your help but
you're you're a third partner in this
child and this n we're all in this
together so we need you to help us not
just because you're the and not only
because you're our King and not only
because you're our father and not only
because you're our friend but you are
this child's partner the same way I am
me and you me and
you you're in it with us you have the
same invested interest in this n as I do
we're we're together with you we're
joined together with you in this child
so we DAV to you we pray to you that we
want to see the on the child for us and
for
you you're not you're not you're not an
outside party over here we're in this
together that's a very powerful it's a
very powerful when you say you're my
over here please me us and you help us
out in our child help us out in our
child that kind of that kind of will uh
reverberate throughout the universe that
kind
of in the of Us coming together
before and for so many y sharing ideas
and
sharing about this important
subject all of our we should all
be and we should all see the
we're we're hoping
for and thank you our coach family over
here everybody should have a wonderful
Kana enjoy time with family friends
don't eat too many donuts enjoy theas
see everybody January 5th
2025 have a happy New Year and all the
best