The Power of Humility: How to Influence and Inspire Our Kids, Rabbi Daniel Glatstein # 214

hi everybody Welcome to the coach tonight Shear number 214 um I want to first thank everybody for coming like I do every week we thank all the people for posting it letting people know about it it's a place to discuss over a lot of important and M tonight we should have a lot of good talk and really get some clarity on many if anybody wants to join our WhatsApp chats please whatsa me at 732 3141 1710 I will also send out the community chats uh link so you can join you can also go to and sign up for his uh email list that he will send you the emails every time there a new speaker every week and the replays and everything that's going on in Coach man land um for all the people are watching this on YouTube you can click on the like button and you also click on the Subscribe button so when man posts the videos every Monday early morning Monday morning get notified and know about it again thank you to all the advertising sponsor of Lakewood Scoop here on Lakewood Ellen AR area from Ptown Central and KY Cal from jcn for always promoting us on the Jewish digital platforms all the people here the first time every Sunday night on this Zoom ID we have different sh different therapist topics please join us every Sunday night coming on five years sh again 214 and next week December 28th Sunday making sure that's right December 29th will not be a there'll be Sunday shabas weekend Kana be with the families eating lkas eating Donuts playing drel so we're going to pass on next week's program and the following week January 5th 2025 going to have an amazing program hopefully not confirmed maybe r andz or maybe somebody else not confirmed but he's coming on soon we work on a lot of other programs r y a few very deep programs so please uh join us for next year it's going to be a lot of powerful stuff so again thank you for everybody for coming tonight and we're going to turn it over to coach ma bernfeld tell usat first go to theat First totally forgot so tonight's share is share 214 the gatria for 214 is take it away shom everyone Toom number 214 the power of humility how to influence and Inspire our kids one must realize we are a precious nation and every child is a treasure for the entire CL which leads us up to tonight schema 214 equals the precious Nation okay turn over to coach coach what what are we trying what are we trying to glean tonight from tonight she what's the point why are we here tonight first very nice and I want to welcome everyone all the newcomers welcome to another let's get real with Coach man we're doing class number 24 we have this to have back with us m I want to thank all of those that sent feedback after last week's Sunday was a very very interesting um topic with Rabbi cats I'm talking about the law of attraction from the Toy's perspective and uh interesting feedback I read them all you know we always get to see where people are and uh yeah it struck a cord for many and some this way and some that way which is okay you know it's part of how things work and we're continuing on this uh journey to try to figure out you know our mission our T what hasem wants from us and tonight we have this host Neil gladin some people would think you know okay fine no maybe it's not so interesting but what I can tell you RAB gladin from listening to his shum from hearing other people the feedback from other people it's it's there's nothing boring it's just gets exciting to listen so um the topic of it's just interesting um there are different religions that before the kids grow up they give them like a year to go um explore the world go check it out and they hope hopefully they come back and follow their uh their path and it's an interesting by there are many people that have the and the way they were they got from their parents that's the way they want to be their kids which is amazing and then there are those who just don't want to do it the same way didn't work out well for them so they wanted to figure out a different way how to the kids and um the MS is there is a mo raenu when he got married I think this is will help help me out with the m but it says that he had a he had a a conversation with of how to be their kids claimed that you know I've done it all tried it all and I realized I came to thear myself that and that's the Mahal let them go out let them grow up let them figure it out let them try everything out and they should realize versus is you send them to the the and there's only one Mahal only one option and uh are we choosing am I the way I am because I chose or this is where they put me and there's no two ways about it so it's a very interesting thought to idea and mem tonight we're going to be discussing these ideas about and I do want to mention um for the and um one of the things you write in the sa is 13 different schas how to to to have and the first one is so the first one takes us I'm sure there's more of and and for those who are you know and were rle withas and with hopefully that's School number one that we should all be to have kids and we'll be able to have a discussion tonight with a lot of for those who are struggling or don't know how trying to figure it out so we should for being with us beautiful okay so tonight's year with Daniel gladin is we titled it how to influence and Inspire our children the power of humility um I'm G to read re gl's bio and then re gladin will open it up and questions and you know I'll try to get as much out of re gladin as possible found ofed New Jersey is one of is one of the Jewish world's most popular speakers and resp has more than 10,000 recorded sh I don't know by now what he's up to but you know millions of viewers on T anytime he sites rabid dg.com and numerous other platforms of glassing the author of the series I'm reading in English hard to read as well as numerous bestselling English titles published by Art schol then we had we did a share and then this other this book right to give the and who knows how many other books R Danel for coming back we love having you here the floor is yours thank you aser thank you uh thank you for the warm introduction it's always a pleasure to be back here especially this week right before Kaneka what could be a more appropriate time of the year to speak about than the week of Kaneka the word kanah comes from like reak mentioned that the gar says outright that one who is frequent one who lights the properly will be it's every parent dream to have to have God-fearing children to have children of good character and uh this is a very important week for that and therefore uh before we even start to speak about methodology before we even start to speak about uh how we go about raising our children but let's try to take advantage of the Mitzvah theah actually it's it's really amazing that the the P both composed special to say for one's children by the so whether you have access to these or you want to say it on your own words maybe it's a good idea that after your family lights the and you sing all the nunim maybe just take a moment uh stand by the left stand by the and offer a that hem should should bless you should bless all the all the families in that we should all be to see so I want to begin by speaking about somewhat of a revolutionary and maybe even shocking General approach to and really to understand the right relationship we should try to develop with our children in order to be able to give over to them the ideals that we would like to look we all have the same idea we all want to pass on to our children the ideals of Tyra we all want them to be God-fearing we all want them to have good character we want them to be polite we want them to be courteous we want them to be menl and we want them to have all the mid that the t uh encourages and but the question is you know how are we going to get there how how do we impart that to our children not everything we tell them seems to be uh received and accepted so what kind of relationship can we develop what kind of method can we use to you know the goal we know what the goal is the goal has been the same from the beginning of time the goal has been the same since but sometimes we need to so to speak tweak the approach and what worked in one generation may or may not work in the next generation and what worked with your first kid may not work with your second kid you know just a general rule when it comes to even before I start R said an amazing idea he said kids do not care what you say it's irrelevant what you say so if you think you're going to come to the shabas table you know you're going to take out a par sheet and read about lashara it's it's it's almost worthless they're not listening to the par sheet you something you say they they're not even looking at how you what you do personally a child will only pick up how you act to that child so shim doesn't care what you say he doesn't care what you say to Ru he doesn't care how you act to ruin shim only cares how you act to shim that's the rule that Ram once said but that's not what I want to speak about tonight I want to take you to and the reason I want to take you to that is ra ra Gamel ra Gamel renovich who's many consider him not only one of the great mam today but one of the great masim today and he's a major address for youth at risk for parents having difficulties with children and he paints an amazing picture he says basically what we ask a kid to do in 2024 is no less than an AA I mean imagine you tell you tell your kid Yani uh ra don't look at what they do in the street don't look at secular society don't look at the Billboards don't admire the ideals of the secular World instead what we want you to do is forget about the Glamour and the glitz of the outside world we want you to focus on do you understand what we're telling a kid today we're telling a kid to give up the glamour of the outside world to live a world of spirituality of discipline says what we ask a child to do today is no less than maybe even more difficult you know and now putting it in that light so let's try to figure out how did Abraham raise a kid who was willing to do such a thing you know we know it was a difficult test for ab but AB had to be to agree to go to so what was the trick so says like this you know God says to Abraham and God tested Abraham and what does Abraham respond to the to the request of hem and Abraham says one word H behold here I am what does Rashi say there Rashi says the word h is a of humility humility so when God asked Abraham is that you are you ready I want I'm asking something of you abam said behold here I Amash says of being prepared and a of humility okay we would expect that after all AB is talking to the almighty a little while later Abraham and Y are both headed toward the AA and Y gets win that you know something's up what's going on over here and Y says to Abraham hey Abraham Tata is that you is that you Abraham is that you daddy is that you tati and what does Abraham say to Abraham says to H behold here I am the same word and expression of humility that Abraham used to God Almighty Abraham used to his child sayam Gamel from here we learn a great principle the same humility you must have before the master of the universe you need to have to your children the same way you would speak toam with humility and you need to speak that way to your children say you think it's any wonder that Abraham was to have a child like a godar a child who willing to go to the AA it's because Abraham spoke to him with humility sayam gam you could say whatever you want about raising children what your parents did what your grandparents did what they did in Europe say I'm going to tell you the facts the facts are in almost every situation again I'm not saying my opinion I'm not a great expert I'm just telling you what G taught in most cases difficulties that children have growing up in the teenage years and uh recognizing who they are and and so to speak being comfortable in their old skin come from parents being overbearing and being speaking to children with authority and demands and not speaking to children with humility say Gamel if we want our children to pass the test of 2024 we need to follow in the ways abrah was to raise a to elevate a child because he valued him he understood him he appreciated him he elevated him he spoke to him with humility the same way that he spoke to God and then G says something and I'm very I'm very hesitant to say it so it's just between me and you don't tell anyone I don't want anybody making clips of this you know okay so nobody has Rus to repeat what I'm saying if you're listening now good it's between me and you don't say it last night in Lakewood I heard gladstein say you never heard me say it I never said it you have no permission to clip it I don't want any videos going around I'm just telling you what Ramel said and this appeared in the first edition of the safer and then in the next edition of the saer they took it out and I think the reason they took it out is I don't think you're even allowed to say this okay it's atile it's probably it is it's heretical okay okay you can't say this and I'm not saying it I'm just saying what you can't say but he says it and then they took it out so I'm telling you what was said and then taken out but so take it with many grains of s sand but but you need to hear it anyway when gam said that his mother would say and again I would never say this I don't even think you're allowed to say this but his mother would say if the Tyra was written today and that expression alone you're not allowed to say that but she said if it was it wouldn't say honor your father and mother it would say honor your son and daughter and again you're not all to say that and that's why they took it out of the saare and I never said it and you never heard me say that but the point being is that if you want to have a fighting shot of raising children who can stand up to the test of the of the test the Allure of the secular world the Allure of American society they need to feel that you value them that you appreciate them that you understand them and you're speaking to them not as an authority but as a friend and this is a very important Eide and it's not my Eide I'm going to share with you now a a a fundamental principle that's found in Rashi throughout kyula I'm going to give you a few examples we're coming up next week's para not me you know and the brothers the brothers uh are standing in front of Y and Y reveals himself and the brothers are they're they're they're dumbfounded they don't know what to say the brothers are are they can't get a word out of their mouth and YF says don't sweat it don't worry don't worry you didn't send me here God sent me here God made me a father to Pharaoh says Rashi what did YF mean that God made him a father to parro God didn't make ysep a father ysf was second in command says rashi rashi is defining the word a if I were to ask you define what does it mean to be a parent so many people say a parent is a teacher a mentor a guide a role model wrong wrong wrong wrong a parent is not a teacher is not a guide yes that's what they should do but that's not the definition what's the definition look at Rashi by the way Rashi was an orthodox rabbi did you know that rash was Orthodox says rash a friend and a supporter says also another Orthodox Rabbi says of shim Schwab from here we learn from these simple comments of Rashi we learn the definition of a parent is a friend and the barometer of how good of a job we're doing as a parent is are we our children's best friend in the world okay now says we don't even have to look at Rashi it's AES you know the the tells us about the most severe a in the T do you know what the most severe a in the Torah it's called a mesis someone who seduces another to ser and it says it doesn't matter who seduces you we're not going to have any Mercy on them they could be they could be your child they could be your brother they could be your aunt or or your soul friend you know there's someone in this world that's your soul friend who's your soulle friend rash your dad your mom your father your mother your T your mommy is give you one more example one more example you know in uh last week y was running away from Lon and it says he called he called his brothers he says hey hey brothers gather the stones soash what do you mean Brothers y doesn't have brothers Rashi says Brothers Zu his children says from here we learn that if you want to have peace in your house you need to treat your children like they're your brothers where do we learn this from says the by the way the says your older children older children means I don't know teenagers young adults doesn't necessarily mean you know threeyear olds and 5year olds but the point being is that even though it sounds like a revolutionary idea and a new new idea and a modern idea but this is coming from Rashi this is coming from the this is coming from Rim Schwab this is coming from the simple reading of that the t's definition of parenting is are your are you your child's best friend in the world and in that context if your children feel your friendship then you will be successful in being a teacher a role model a guide and a mentor but as an authority figure it doesn't work it doesn't work I'll just share with you one last thing in the writings of the son of the he says that that when he and his father walk on the street people didn't know they were father and son they thought they were brothers that's how the treated them by the way the was also an orthodox Rabbi okay so this is all M this is not you know you'll hear a lot of classes about parenting and they're valuable especially if they're coming from people with experience but what I'm sharing with you is not only experience this is this is this is what our teaches us so it's always important to know you know it's it's worthwhile to hear experts it's worthwhile to hear Specialists but it's important that the teachings and principles are rooted into and this idea that may sound revolutionary and I know I've said it to audiences and espe and and people sometimes say well that's not how they did it in the in the old generation whether whether that is true or not some would say you know the good parents even were always their children's best friend but certainly in our times this not only ISU but this is also what works in reality yeah is that my that's my piece my opening piece okay Danelle beautiful okay a lot to talk about tonight we going to get clarity on this um let's start with a poll and after the polls we will take live questions anybody has a question please send it to Asus over here remember the live questions go first here so uh please ask him away anything here we go let's do the polls first okay the first question in your opinion what makes parents most influential like in your opinion like what's the what do you think influences the kids the most from the parents point a demonstrating humility and respect B consistent consistently setting clear boundaries C being a role model for values and actions or D showing unconditional love and support this is your opinion what you think number two which aspect of parenting do you find the hardest the third question is similar to the second question but it's a little bit of different different answers of focing focusing on different things so again the second question which which aspect of parent parenting do you find the hardest a avoiding mistakes admitting mistakes to my children B listening without judgment C letting go of the need to always be right or D treating my children as individuals with their own needs and opinions third question what are your biggest challenges in baren thing is focusing on the other part is staying patient and managing my emotions communicating effectively with my child see balancing Authority with empathy and D admitting mistakes and practicing humility those are three questions answer it and then we will review it okay five more seconds okay here we go let's sh with everybody okay the first question in your opinion what makes parents most most influential 14% say demonstrating humility and respect 4% consistently setting clear boundaries the number one answer of people are saying being a role model for values and actions most people feel that when we DAV properly and we're El that's what really makes the most influence on our kids 38% of people say showing unconditional love and support good I'm happy most people did not say the point that I came here to say is the most important Point otherwise I wouldn't need to be here tonight yes instinctively the knee-jerk re the the most people would say be a role model and they'll defin they'll pick up uh the values of the parents that's definitely true children want to pick up the values and actions of the parents however there is a precondition and the precondition is before a child could pick up your values they have to feel you value them so it's impossible as much as a child would like to learn and Dav and act like a parent if they don't feel the self-worth that the parent instills in them by showing them respect and humility the something will get lost in the transition that's that's what ra is teaching that's what we see from uh the words of K so yes if is only apply applicable if it's Al but even more basic is that they need to see that you value them number two which aspect of parenting do you find the hardest 9% admitting mistakes to my children 44% of people find that this is the hardest aspect of parenting for them listening without judgment 17% letting go of the need to always be right 30% treating my children as individuals with their own with their own needs and option number one by far is listening without judgment people have a very hard time with that and number two treating my children as individuals with their own needs and options yeah well look the the idea of judgment is uh also it's very popular to say that we need to listen without judgment but let's pass on that one because it's uh it's a little bit of a different topic okay okay let's go to the last question what is the what are your biggest challenges in parenting 46% of people most people say staying patient and managing their own emotions 23% of people communicating effectively with my child 26% balancing Authority with empathy 4% admitting mistakes and practicing humility so um yeah that's pretty managing emotion that seems to be the most challenging yeah that yeah we could understand that you know that's uh certainly one of the biggest challenges in life in general not only with our children but in any situation in life to so to speak uh stay stay balanced stay in check and to be able to be levelheaded and rational and not be affected by uh swing of emotion okay so we'll go to the first question um let me see what they sent in here we go so the way they WR it it was before they heard your speech Let's see it's sad that in today's generation we're told to meet our kids on their level why is it that as parents were expected to lower ourselves to where they are is that really what is supposed to be shouldn't our children be looking up to us as role models and stads um that's a very important question and you know I I understand why somebody may feel uh that it's demeaning so to speak for the parent to have to lower themself to the child but this is really the point we're trying to make one should not feel that it's the meaning to lower themsel to a child that is that is exactly what is that is what Hashem does to us God descended on Mount Si to give the Torah to the Jewish people we we have to speak to our children and deal with our children according to their level and according to their level of understanding and according to their uh capability and according to their uh Saga and that's the honor of a of a parent the moment a parent says that it's not sad to have to lower yourself to your child that's the great gift that God gave you because he's allowing you to emulate him and if you're able to lower yourself we lower oursel to our children in order to raise them up but if we're going to expect them to look up to us it may be too far of a of a of a a vision for them to uh see all the way up that that's our responsibility that's what works it's not sad at all that's the effective means of of I think we have to discuss why it's hard for people to hear why I guess it's a New Concept you know and you mentioned also it's not something that you would say the first few years obviously and over there you know you do have to have boundaries and even when they're older I think it's hard for people to learn how to implement the idea it makes sense but then you have a kid that wants to do ab andc and you don't think it's a good idea and you know that's where the struggle starts you want to be on their level you want to be their friend but at the end of the day you have to tell them no so I think it's hard to figure out how to do it now look when when a child sees that the parents recognize them for who they are what their individual needs are what their individual inclinations are who they are as a person then the child is willing to sometimes be to the parent because even a good friend a good friend is not somebody that you have good conversations with a good friend is somebody who could steer you right as well I mean what is a good friend a good friend is someone who gives good advice a good friend is someone who you're comfortable speaking to a good friend could tell you hey Yani you know this stay away from that this is not good for you but the first thing is the parent has to show the kid that they know who he is and I I want to sort of segue into into another important aspect and another just very important Rashi and look I personally like to emphasize how these ideas are rooted in the T everybody knows with with Yakov and as you know how in the world do you have two kids kids that come from the same household and the same father and mother and one of them becomes the he's you know he's speaking at the mat shabas at Thea convention and the other guy's a you know mass murderer how did two parents produce this these two kids you know if you look carefully at the words of rashi rashi says that when they were young nobody recognized their personality and then all of a sudden they grew up and yov went to the B Med and Asa became a wicked person sham says what Rashi means to say is that not that nobody recognized nobody put in the effort to recognize the unique character of yov and as meaning the learns that Rashi and kazal are criticizing and we don't have the authority to heaven forbid criticize the the but the understands Rashi is uncovering a critique on uh on Y and RKA that they didn't try to understand who asov was they thought the same way you could send Yakov to the Yeshiva and he's going to sit and learn you could send asov to the same Yeshiva and he'll do the same thing says what happened to is that the parents gave as the same that they gave they said if Yeshiva a worked for yov then let's send as to that Yesa after if you send two kids to the same Isa they'll give you a bigger tuition break and carpo will be easier and the friends will be easier and shabas play dates will be easier and they made a mistakein says that when asov saw that his parents stuffed him into the same classroom and the same style of that they gave yob as said I don't want to sit and learn I can't be in a Bas Med all day and I'm going to be forced to be in a study hole the same day like my brother I'm out of here I'm not interested the critique of on and rif was they didn't try to understand asov is a different guy than Yakov was asov is a man of the outside world they needed to harness the individual character of asov and bring out his potential so one of the critical uh pieces of advice for for parents is that a child needs to feel that you understand their unique qualities you understand and they are they're maybe they're not studious but they're artistic maybe they're not studious but they're musical that the parent has an eye out to understand who is my child that's part of the Friendship aspect where you want to understand the unique qualities where the child recognizes that you are putting in effort to understand who they are uniquely different than the other children in the family so this is not sad I wouldn't say this is sad this is a privilege this is the privilege that a parent is entrusted with then a lot of live questions so let's go through the live questions sure hi I'm mute Hi how are you hasem um I have a question um I understand what you say about uh being more uh friends to your children I understand on on emotional level right but um if you if if you were taught that um uh the relationship with the parents is the same relationship we should have withad we are not friends to who we are servants we are that his children but we are not friends and uh also time out let me just address that we are servants we are children children and we are friends we are friends every every shabas by shus the climax of our relationship with Hashem after talking about that we're hashem's our Mel and after saying hashem's our father and after saying hashem's our husband we sing did nees my best friend the ream allows us to say he's our friend that means we have with when when the tells us when came into the says what's my friend doing here I didn't mention this before the in all of his writings to his son he always says his son um did yeah so okay so um the the way that we we are taught how to um to to have dhit to our parents um it's uh by not sit in their chair stand up when they they come to the room it's a lot of um um the relationship is more of a Authority is not of a friend everything that says about the D it's all the the the learnings what you do about the rits it doesn't show anything about it and that's what we are taught by by by sages so how can you some all of a sudden in this generation we say oops forget about you can sit in my chair forget about it you know you don't need to stand up anymore like you're my friend you you you don't have to listen me as an authority I think I think what they say it was like more of a uh you have you have to also have um fear the same fear we have from makash you have to fear your parents I understand there's definitely um according to Torah law there's kav you know you bring a child you bring a parent food you bring a parent drink you bring a parent clothing that's Cav there's zura you don't sit in their chair you don't contradict their words but but if a father chooses to forgo his honor if a father tells a kid you could sit in my chair the kid could sit in the chair the father tells the kid that it's okay it's okay you you could do that then the father could Overlook his honor so in our generation we have very strong precedent that the focus needs to be on cultivating the friendship and if you do that your children will be much more likely not to sit in the chair sh and not to contradict your words then if you act like an authority figure the son writes that Cavo for our father we had a little bit and Y for our father we didn't have at all you could look in where his son said our father the was not on at all now that was hundred years ago and you could be sure that if that's how the dealt with his children that in our time it's probably not it didn't change that much if anything so I understand what you're saying there are certain parameters people people are asking like line I mean even until recently the generations even our generation we brought up with more stronger not with this like love BL be best friend no so I'm not I'm not I'm not lovey doy over here I'm talking about the context of how you could influence children specifically older children teenagers young adults whether this was done in previous generations or not that's for you know you to do your own research if in reality if you want to be successful they're saying that's what the generation is holding because we're seeing that the the push back is so strong these days no this is this is not out of weakness I'm not saying to be to give into your children out of weakness because because uh they're not listening to you so you know you have no choice but to to Curry favor with them and I'm not talking about currying favor and I'm not talking about not telling them what to do you know sometimes a parent wants to know well I'm afraid to tell this to my child why are you afraid if you're really their friend you should have no problem at all telling it to them the same way if you had a good friend you you could speak your mind there's no there's nothing wrong with a parent speaking their mind to a children obviously you have to pick your battles but what I'm talking about is in what type of context and what kind will you in reality being be successful in influencing your children you could choose to so to speak take the and then sort of model your relationship based on that but in reality what is have showed over the last many generations is that that's not the relationship that the Torah would recommend that we cultivate in a relation in a relationship of friendship a child is more likely to have genuine and kav you know the question is if your kid has something on on their mind are they going to tell you are you going to be the first uh for them to share it with or do they have some friend down the block that they're going to share that with if they have people in their life that they are closer to than you then you are not fulfilling your role as a parent in its full sense okay let's go to the next question okay sure yeah hi how are you have to mute there hi hi okay so my question is like this um so I grew up like most did we expecting our parents and having strict parents like a strict home and now all of a sudden we need to be so ready for our kids and not take anything from them but to give them and I know I want to know how we could do it how we could stay um strong with that like we didn't get and here we need to give and give and give well like I feel like so empty and all of a sudden I need to be ready to always be um like friendly calm um accepting and whatever yeah so you know I I just want to rephrase something even though many people say so we suddenly we suddenly you know Rashi lived a thousand years ago you know this this is what we what I would call Jewish parenting from time and Memorial the lived 200 years ago the lived 100 years ago so look the fact that the fact that you know maybe people grew up in difficulty and in poverty and in persecution and that may have affected people's mindset and people's relationships that could be but this is I I'm not I'm not sharing with you a new idea I'm not sharing with you an Innovative idea this is not a revolutionary idea this is classic traditional Jewish parenting Al in that and I I just want to rephrase something also when you say you grew up with respect for a parent our goal is that our children should also grow up with respect for their parents and they should not sit in our seat and they should not contradict our words but you need to have a friendship with them so if your kid likes to play the guitar or your kid likes to play baseball you need to be the one doing that with them as their best friend and if you're able to do that then it is more likely they will have genuine respect and even what we call reverence for you if you could get down on the floor and play Lego with them because that's what the Kid Likes then he could have healthy respect for you but as an authority figure it don't work you just have to relearn many people have to relearn because you're right it's coming from many years ago but because of what we saw from our parents and you know they by them it was year and maybe only so now when we're trying to you know clarify what's the real Mahal a lot of people need help just figuring out how to do that so I think that's where a lot of people have a hard time yeah thank you yeah I I understand the the challenge of adjusting the uh you know you wouldn't have expected that these were this would be the traditional approach to Jewish parenting you know you would think okay the gum said that you know we have to be an authority and we have to say it as it is and we have to reprimand and but but what could we do you know our generation can't handle it that's that's not what I'm here to say I'm not saying that this is a product of our weak generation I am sharing what I think is the ideal right but you know I'm just trying I'm just seeing where why people are having such a hard time I mean I'm personally familiar with the great rashash Shiva who always says that he grew up that his mother was his best friend he unabashedly always talks about that you know we're talking about one of the real experts and and uh and teachers of of our time so you know this this is not a this is not a new idea I think we should we should talk about that a little bit of how to and it really starts from day one um it starts from day one your relationship with your child when they're younger you know to be there for them listen to them and eventually they grow up you're there you're not learning something new that's number one and another thing I'm thinking is when people have their own triggers and their own emotions that we discussed before that many times their kids would bring up stuff that they can't listen to you know we don't talk about this no it doesn't work you know they're used to talking that way because that's the way they grew up so that's where they'll need some adjustment but here's a a question that somebody sent in I feel like no matter what I do I'm not really connected with my kids does it even make a difference or will they just figure it out on their own well no it's our responsibility that they don't figure it out on their own and that we figure out how a way to connect with them and that's why we we really do have to try to lower ourself you know we have to find out what what is our kid interested in you know what what's he doing in his free time what are they involved in what do they like to talk about what are their interests what are their inclinations do we cultivate that do we say wow I I notied that you're uh you know at the shabas table you're bringing a book to the table now you don't like when they bring a book to the table but you sort of observe oh they're reading about this subject oh you like about that can I maybe I should you want to you want you want me to get you a book about that or you know let's discuss that it's very important that a kid feels that the parent recognizes their unique ability talents creativity and so forth that's that's a a major principle in parenting let's just play it out when when you have you're talking about general relationship ship but what happens when you have a conflict or something that they're doing that you don't approve of is it the same like friendly like oh I don't think it's a good idea like you're coming home at 3 in the morning or it's more like no you got to be home at 12:00 with with like be more clear what we're talking about versus like you're saying in a very general sense again right now now right now we're talking about what we call Healthy parenting right we're talking about what's the ideal relationship you should try to cultivate with your child ideally if you're able to cultivate such a relationship so the level of conflict is minimized because you know you're on the same page you want to know you didn't do this and you have a a Rocky and rough relationship with your kid so now how how do you resolve that you know so you're sort of coming after after the fact but you know the the the background over here is what is the proper way to to cultivate this relationship so you don't you don't have these uh so to speak uh acute conflicts to begin with once you do so obviously the best way to resolve it is to explain to them like you would explain to uh you could like you would explain to any child uh to any friend you know you explain to them in a calm rational manner you know I I don't think this is a good idea um this is not good for you this is not going to help you be successful in life this is not going to be good for your future like you would to any friend obviously there's certain kind of uh so to speak dangerous type of behavior that might require a different reaction but here we're not talking about conflict the resolution we're talking about how to cultivate the the ideal relationship in the first place to to limit uh conflict you basically let's just clarify talking about this is the ideal relationship that we're always brought up with the parent is authorit the authoritative power and this is respect keep aim and this is the way we do it more with a more gentle friendly like wanting to be as long as both parties the father and the son and the mother and the daughter are in that yeah but more than just more than just more like a friendly relationship a friendly relationship it doesn't work to say well you know this is what my this is what we did this is how it's done take it or leave it no I'm saying not like that that doesn't work the the definition of parent according to the Tyra is a Rel a relationship of friendship the question is when the typical teen starts being teenager or he starts going worse than teish and he's not in a good place how does how do how does that play out when you can't be so friendly that's that's when they say k give them all the love we're not we lost it you know what what R Gamel is teaching right and this is what he says he says that he finds that in the vast majority of cases not all cases it's because this relationship was not cultivated to begin with you know you're asking well what happens if well then then this was not cultivated if this would be cultivated this this so to speak this type of framework for parenting ensures that the conflict level is to a minimum you know you don't you don't have this you won't NE you know it doesn't mean you'll never have this but this type of uh framework would be the so so to speak the SEC net to ensure that uh conflict level and challenge level is to a minimum so he's basically saying that when the child throws attention when they're two years old that's where we have to make sure that we don't put up that wall is this is what we do and this is what you're going to listen to because if not you know what's going to happen and then you become an authority and then the next 25 years you're you're you're the authority party so it's really learning healthy relationship with those children when they're very young how to stay there when they tant them and you shouldn't lose it being able to understand hold their hands that you should be able to get to a place where they will feel that you understand them and they can listen so it's really like beginners yes the you know to be TR truthful the does say that this level of friendship is much more vital when the children are older again we don't have a precise age I don't know that it's an exact science you know when they turn 11 when they turn 12 you know you have to uh relationship has to be there from day one meaning yeah absolutely relationship has to be there about day one yeah okay let's put on the next uh caller hi hi thank you for taking my question um so I have two questions number one um I understand and I agree that it's very important to you know enjoy your kids and you know have good times with them um how no no no just this is not about enjoying your kids and having good times with them no I mean like doing like you know like you said like sharing interests with them right like building that's just an example but the the point is that's reflection of the relationship we're looking to cultivate I do I'm sorry to cut you off and I do want to say you know I gave a 10-minute uh Soliloquy about parenting there's an entire book over here that was one chapter so you know we're basically zooming in and honing in on one aspect of parenting there's an entire body of of things to focus on and pointers and ideologies this was one of many things so it's not all it's not only about this but this is an important Cog so I just you know wanted to mention okay so no so okay thank you I just I wanted to know like you know as a parent it's you know we're exhausted you know so I'm just wondering like how often is it important to you know to give that to your children is once a week enough is does it have to be every week does it have to be um more than once like I mean let's say one evening I don't mean like five minutes of the of your once a week but how much time can you say should be given to you know each of your children that that just shows you that just shows you why it's so hard for parents to actually get to that place we we're working two jobs we're out the door there's so much going on we don't have time for them yeah I don't have that relationship with my child I I just can't and then we have six each one is different how that I you know just I wouldn't say that I don't have I don't have that relationship barash I feel that I do but but some weeks are just heavy weeks where you're out a lot in the evening and you know okay so you have two evenings of the week that you're finally at home like is that enough or or is do I need to avoid wedding you know you know it's not like um uh it's not like alula van you have to pick it up and Shake It x amount of times and then it's are we giving the child the feeling that we get them that we understand them and when you give that over then if you're busy one week but he knows you get him he understands because he also is sometimes busy the point is does the kid un recognize does the kid see that you dig them you know who they are you appreciate them you value them you recognize that you know them and then if if they get that message then it doesn't have to be every day you know by the way I will I will share with you an amazing you know the says that the same way we have aah to be you have to learn every morning every night he says you need to be every day to make sure that your children needs are addressed there's a there's a mitvah of for your children so which means you have to make sure they're ding properly and they're learning properly and their needs are met and and well and and you're giving them the proper attention so I have another part of the question um I have a 16-year-old son who's in a dorm and it's local the reason why he's in the dorm is because he has a lot of sisters and a lot of girly stuff going on so you know together with the hollow we decided that you know it would be best for him to be in the dorm now lately I started feeling like he comes home shabas he spends you know a little time by the suda then he runs out to Tes comes home chabas morning spends some time by the suda sits around a little reading and then leaves to so like I just feel like the connection with the family it's like it's kind of diminishing and I feel even with myself I I really don't have that much time with him when do I get to sit and talk and hear what's going on in his life so I suggested to him that maybe he should spend one night a week at home so he's like I hear you but don't think it's important I'm not I'm telling you I'm good so what do you think how he's 16 years old and you said it's in a it's in a I didn't catch all the details yeah yeah Park look you know maybe it doesn't have to be every week but maybe you could say you know um I I'm coming over I'm coming over today should you know should I take you out for lunch you know uh maybe maybe we could grab a bite to eat just for a little B I want to hear how it's going in Yesa uh you know what are you up to how's the learning going what do you do during the break who who you who you friendly with even doing that you know once a month could have a very uh big rush because he sees that you're making the effort to uh to continue to spend time with him to continue to try to understand how he's developing who he is again I don't I don't think most able to do that so you know to do that even you know semi occasionally could go a long way it doesn't necess but there but there needs to be a little bit of that I'm saying like I feel like the way it is right now I hardly ever get you know if he's not in the mood of talking on that little bit of shabas that I see him well yeah usually teenagers they have a neck for not answering giving any information like if you ask how's yiva good right you know I have another one who Lov loves to talk like he would come over to me and say ma can I talk to you this one is like he has you know yeah everything's good M telling everything's fine and then I just feel like but I don't know what's really going on and I don't know what's happening inside of him you know what I mean so I feel like like there needs to be some time even once you sit down with a child to talk it it doesn't happen in those first five minutes necessarily and it takes time for them to finally just start opening up you know so so if just a half hour lunch is not necessarily going to reveal much of what's going on inside of him you know what I'm saying but but it could be very powerful just that he sees that the the the the interest level the effort you made the the care you showed the that could go a long way so even if he has a hard time opening up and even if he's not going to tell you much the the concern that you show both him it gives him it gives him support the same the same way we are sitting here and for many of us it's a New Concept for our teenagers it's for sure going to be a New Concept many of them would love it but others would say what what happened you listen to share from gladin leave me alone okay thank you okay before we go to the next question somebody just point out to me if I could repeat it like we had RAB Russy we did one program with him one of the programs about he said basically his General concept was like a kid from Z to two it's basically unconditional love no matter what they do right they spill milk on the floor I love you you're cute Goa Gaga right and then from two to 10 11 12 it's basically don't go here go to sleep it's very it's not friendly it's very like robotic type of like you have to go to sleep you have to take a bath it's very like telling them what to do because they're little kids and then he basically said again there's no specific age but when a time and a kid has their own self DEA then we have to as parents realize to step it back from the telling them what to do and being in a control of author author authority authority state to more of like like what you're saying more like just being having that close relationship it's like learning how to change because as from two to let's say 12 naturally that's the way we are kids we're not like friendly friendly we queue with them we have good time with them that's exactly but that's exactly where we shouldn't lose it that's I I don't know I mean I I I'm threey old your three-year-old when he's when it's six o'clock what my seven-year old tonight it's 6:30 you have to go to bed have to do make sure that you spend enough time in that day that he knows you love him no I I would I would argue I would argue that if you have a six-year-old and it's getting late you say uh St if if you say go to sleep and he's gonna say no and he scream ladder go to sleep he's just going to put up more uh the more you pressure the more pressure he puts back you say oh you you want to play a little bit more okay you're gonna play for a few more minutes but you're so tired cha right so I'm gonna play with you for a few more minutes and then we're going to go to sleep and you you'll see how much more effective that is because first of all the kid sees you're giving into to him and the kid sees that you understand he wants to play more and you're not putting such pressure that he's going to put pressure back and even there there's it's an opportunity to show understanding and even to a little kid K that would probably be much more effective than just the uh regular authoritative approach sometimes you're going to have to sometimes going to be dead tired you know parents don't parents have to understand that if they're not perfect their kids will be resilient enough that they'll get over a normal human shortcoming you know many parents think that oh well I'm not perfect so I'm going to be terrible it's okay you know if you don't do everything you hear in every single CL kids are resilient enough but I would argue even smaller kids there there's still room for uh a a a authority of friendship than just uh a authority of dictatorship thing but again the point also there there's time frames right that things change yeah but I wouldn't say it's so drastic two to 10 and then all of a sudden now you know you become a I would think it's uh much more gradual than that right okay okay let's go to the next Live question hi yeah hello it's me yes hello um first of all I love the topic and it's so close to my heart because being having been a highly sensitive child you know it's it's something that I have to deal with a lot not having been given you know exactly what I needed obviously but I also want to make a comment from the other questions that I heard um a lot of us many of us more more you know maybe more in specific communities specific families but many of us were told and given the job to run holding weights before we were learn before we we were taught how to walk right so I just want to make this awareness and tell all the women here that we're we're doing the impossible we're really really such great mothers we make a lot of mistakes we've made a lot of mistakes we did more than the best for the tools we have and of course we're getting even better every day but we need to really really validate ourselves and realize that we are doing almost The Impossible because we care for our children and we really want to be good Mothers and we're we're you know and we're learning the tools we were never given so I just want to give a shout out to all the mothers we're really amazing okay even for the not amazing mother thank you I just wanted to say that thank you for sharing that thank you okay somebody sent in this question reic gladon yeah how do we figure out in today's world one hand we can't deny our kids the things that their friends and neighbors have or they feel deprived on the other hand kids have access to these days is beyond comprehension and it's clear how much it could harm them how do we strike the right balance it's a very very important question like right I mean it's going a little bit into a different topic but the point is we're trying to be are trying to be there on one hand a lot of kids you know whatever whatever you want to focus on the Vacations or the devices or whatever it is that they have and you want to give it to them on the other hand by giving to them it causes other problems how do we deal with this this issue look you don't want a kid to feel deprived but just because other kids have something doesn't mean they have to have it if they feel that you have their best interest in mind if they feel that you are their best friend in the world if they feel that you recognize them and you value them and that you appreciate them you will have a much easier time telling them Yani ra this is not good for you I don't care that this guy has it and that guy has it you know their parents gave into to them because they were weak they don't you know they don't they just gave it to him they don't have a real relationship with their kid but I'm telling you I know it's good for you not because I'm your uh I'm your master I'm your dictator I'm I'm your older friend you know you'll have an easier time you know but obviously that's the challenge of the generation that's that's the point thato was making if you want you have a kid like Yak who's willing to sacrifice and go to the AA of 2025 you better speak to themas I mean that's that that's how we started really you know what we ask our kids today no don't have that device don't go there just because everyone's doing that everyone has that everyone looks at that but not for you this is not good for you the only way to do that is he that humility that uh that that yov that Abu showed to equipped him you know y said hey I don't understand uh my friend down the block his father's not bringing him to the AA you know why me well he was able to do that because the way Abraham spoke to him was B Abraham said look I value you I believe in you I I want to share with you a thought just from last week everybody you know there's a the the movement the just I think a very powerful thought that you know y was able to overcome the impossible I mean he's down in Egypt he's a young man he's a handsome man nobody's there there no Jews in sight there no cameras nobody would know either way and somehow he's able to overcome the challenge you know how did he do it how did he do it because his father was his father refused to give up on his son his father refused to believe that the kid was was down and out the father refused to think that he'll never see his kid again the parent that believes in their kid the parent that refuses to give up on the kid the parent who values the kid that kid will refuse the challenges of life and by the way it it reverberates many generations later you'll see at the end of saer Bas when uh when ysep brings his two kids to yov to manim and ysep wants to uh wants to position them because uh he doesn't think that the older kid is as is as good as the younger kid and he sees into the future maybe some people are not worthy yob said yob I refuse to look at it that way I refuse to give up on my grandchildren I don't care who you think masha's grandchildren are are going to be I refuse to believe that my descendants won't be successful and a father and a grandfather who in refuses that belief in their children their children will conquer the world their children will be able to overcome any challenge so obviously it's uh it's it's difficult telling a kid you know you can't have that but uh you know that that's the principle that we're learning that's how AB was able to say guess where we're going we're going to hararia and the way AB was able to do that is he tells his kid he I value you I I humble myself before you I respect you I know who you are you're important to me and when a kid feels that they're important to their FA their father and mother the kid could do anything I'm muted beautiful R Glon let's go to the next Live question Hi how are you great thank you um so thank you so much much I I I understand this this very well this this is really how I brought up like to be very comfortable with my parents they like not demanding respect at the same time there are some kids that I find maybe need that that Authority um for example like in the example of going to bed so if you demand that the kid if you say to a kid go to bed and then they say no and then you say oh you need a few more minutes and then you play with them or something like that so that shows them that they could say no to a mother as opposed to if May if we would say um go to bed and they say no then if we say well mommy said it's time to go to bed so we we're going to go to bed now then it in a calm doesn't have to be allow it doesn't have to be a fight it's just just in a very matter of fact way of stating that I'm a mother and I said something and that's what we're going to do because that we listen to a mother so then they learn keep it of a when a mother says something when a mother demands something then it's a real thing it's not something that we're going to say no to and there are times maybe that that if a mother says um you know suggest something so then it could be negotiated but if it's a demand go to bed and the child's able to counteract that then wouldn't that be like teaching them not to have key B of aim okay that's a a good point you're saying that if if you just uh if you allow them to so to speak negotiate with you so then you're sending a message that Mother's word is not final um on the other hand on the other hand if you say this is what I say you're also sending another message if you say this is what this is what I said because I'm your mother you're basically saying that because I'm in a position of authority I am telling you what to do and if one day then you're in a position of authority to someone else then the message is you know the big guy the big guy says what to do and the little guy has to listen against their will so is that really cavod what is cavod cavod is a appreciation and a value for the esteem of the parent cavod is not authorit authoritarian command that's not covo you're right it's important that parents train their kids to have C but what is C Cav is a recognition and appreciation for the esteem of of the parent so if a parent would say you had a very hard day it's very important you go to sleep now because I want you to feel good in the morning I want you to learn well in the morning it's important for you to sleep because you'll have you'll you'll have so much more fun tomorrow you'll be much healthier who do you think a child will learn more esteem have more esteem for someone who says well this is what momy said or even matter of fact this is what Mommy said we listen to parents or if a parent says you know you really need to go to sleep now because you had a hard time focusing yesterday in school it's very important for your own health and for your own development to go to sleep the child will learn to have more esteem if you give them an explanation if you give it to that if you give them a rationale if you explain it to them in terms that they understand the parent will see that you're a reasonable person uh the child will see you're a reasonable person the child will see you're a caring person the child will see that you love them that's called c c is not this is what we do because I'm a mother is that covered or is that just Authority I hear I mean a per a mother could also say those things but if they give into a uh like to playing a game for example for a few minutes so then that's like letting the child take over meaning a parent could understand the child and explain to the like like say to the child how it's good for them also but like while they're bringing them upstairs it's 8 o00 their bedtime is 8 o00 if you tell them it's 8 o00 you have to go to sleep now and they say no and you say yes you have to do it and they go do it but if you say you know what I'll give you a few more minutes and then you'll go up and they go up happily are they taking over are you really giving in or are you just being smart I would argue you're not giving in you're showing you're showing Authority with wisdom you're showing Authority with understanding that's true kab question is what 805 810 if they say no again no I just find that some kids do well with that but some kids will just not they'll they'll they'll know how to push the buttons and say the thing that will take your Harden to what they want yeah look these kids are they they're they're they're trained believe me I have I have a lot of little kids at home and whatever I'm telling you it's easy to say it's you know lots of luck actually doing this but uh but I think the more we're able to engender real kav kav kav is an appreciation and and a recognition for the wisdom and the character and the of the parent so it's not that there are some kids that need um a more authorative parent and some kids need I'm sure you know some kids need a a little bit of a different concoction than another yes every kid needs a little bit of a different finagling and for some kids what's a little bit be what's a little bit more of one one mix will work better for one and and less for another you know it's not the same uh one shoe fits all for every child but in general the general approach of cover the general approach of of demanding is much more effective in the context of friendship I hear okay let me ask you this question let me just hand in what can I say a few of my kids are not from anymore I feel like I failed as a parent what does Hashem want for me at this point okay so that's uh one of the most difficult questions that anyone could could have to address uh I heard from an Adam godal who when addressing such a question you know in general we say that the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree but that when the weather outside is calm that's when the winds aren't blowing but when there's a hurricane outside sometimes uh the Apple could fall very far from the tree the most important thing uh to recognize and this is a very empowering and very profound yida if I could share with you you know we say we wake up every morning we say uh many are not aware who who composed this it's not found in the gar it's not found in any class Source it was composed by a student of and he writes in very powerful words he says that there are that has and they come down to this world for whatever tick the knows that these need and Hashem does not just entrust them to any family because not not every family would know how to deal with such a child or how to embrace such a n and Hashem specifically selects special people to give them such a Nish so that they could assist this Nish to achieve and attain the tikon that that Nish needs to attain and one can never get up give up on any child one can never give up and think that they're hopeless that they can't correct that they can't come back that they can't Rectify themselves and whatever state a child is in even a child that's very distant parent always has to try try his best to continue to build Bridges to continue to develop a relationship with to continue to DAV for like we started off that you know the Y of Kaneka is coming a very powerful moment during the year during the entire year is because is an opportune time to pray for one's children really every every parent has to useas to pray for their children I want to share with you something very powerful you know we all know that if if somebody kills B they have to run away to an AR mlot you have to run away to a City of Refuge and the the murderer has to B basically stay there until the Kad dies which is very interesting like what the poor Kad do wrong that the the murderer has to stay in the City of Refuge until the kadal dies so could you imagine all these murderers they were up on the roof and they were you know banging with their Axe and the axe went flying and they accidentally killed someone they're all now in the City of Refuge and after doing every day they gather together people say what what are you saying to Hill him for oh we're just ding for someone to die you're doubting for someone who are you ding yeah we're doubting for the K to drop dead you know every day they say three that the K should drop that what the k do wrong that now you know all the murderers are pray they're all hoping for him to die so the gar says the K should have prayed that under his Reign nobody killed B and because he didn't DAV therefore he's punished that now people have to stay in the AR mlad until he dies so RBA asks wait a second where exactly does it say in the T that it's the job that nobody kills it says that somewhere it says in it says in the R by the laws of that the job of the is his job is to do the and also to pray that nobody kills B where does it say that soba says must be from here we learn that anyone who is in a position of authority their primary responsibility is to pray for the welfare and the success of those who they are responsible for and therefore sayola it is the primary job of a parent and a grandparent and a great-grandparent if you want to know what's your main job in this world to D for your children ding for your children doesn't mean you it only by the it doesn't mean you only do it it doesn't mean you only do it like the Mish says in m in or Ina it means you're doing it all day long all day long it is the job of a parent to pray for their children you're driving carpool you're driving them to yiva you're shopping in the store you're taking them for shoes it is your primary responsibility as a parent to pray for the physical emotional and spiritual welfare of your children you know the brisar would say that most parents they Rock their the kids to sleep singing lullab about uh you know some guy who climbed up a hill and then came rolling down and his head came off no other kids are have so much anxiety today you know they're traumatized by the nursery rhymes their kid parents Sayang to them the risc says when he put his kids to sleep it was only with to Hill them it was only with them people used to come to the bris for eight for the bris says there no eight there's only to Hill him and tears bris says never in his life did he D in one dry eyed every he cried tears that his children should be God-fearing I'll tell you one more story they came to the stier and they said uh parents came to the Styer stier what what ATS this do you have for sers said there no there no books there no classes there no podcasts there no YouTube channels all there is is to H them and tears you see my little son over here every day this ster says I that should be was already 52 years old one of the so the responsibility to Davin for your children it doesn't it never starts too early before they're born even and it never ends they could be great grandparents themselves and if you're a parent and you have children it is your primary job to pray for their success and their welfare and that's a very key ingredient after all the various uh that we mentioned to always pray for our children and especially if they're not right now on what we call the straight and the narrow then the responsibility to pray is even greater and never to give up on them the a parent refuses ever to give up on the child it would have been easy for y to give up on y but he never gave up and because he never gave up y was able to overcome every challenge in life every parent doesn't matter where their child is refuse it has to refuse to ever give up on their child Beau okay I forgot to mention going to Little Big M coach BF everybody should just know the now is in middle of he's making a bris for an anle tomorrow morning so we're going to go to closing we're going to wrap it up and we're gonna ask you leave with for all the people listening now the future children could play Z if we had the the audio but let's go first to closing so girl first coming on tonight giving tremendous and really holding on on one point of a safer um just really relationship with our children and what our Focus as far as should be and hopefully people could really you know internalize it buy the sa Rabel and all the starm stores right you can buy it anywhere in the starm stores you could go to our site rabid dg.com it's available there picture the book has the book I'll send down an email email you have the link on the uh what's it okay so again everybody's here the first time Sunday night 9:30 we have this beautiful sh podcast therapists Dan next week December 29th we will not have a she it's going to be Sunday Kana enjoy your time with your family enjoy the latas enjoy the donuts the following Sunday January 5th 2025 please join us we're going to have a very powerful program um will email all the details once it's all confirmed so please looking forward and enjoy your time off tonight's share is 214 and uh it's batula and it's all recorded listen on the phone at 73235 9011 thank you to all the advertising L with scoop El 510 Central from jcn I'll go first then Coach will'll leave it to you so again for coming on I really appreciate everything thank you for having me I appreciate it my pleasure again just want to say you know is a very tough topic we had probably I don't know maybe 50 maybe 100 out of the 214 basically touching on is one of those things that are just everybody's looking for the magic answer and it's complex and we live in a complex time um kids today are definitely more complicated than it was years ago the whole generation is it's my opinion I could be wrong but I think what again what I'm understanding from I might mess messed up the whole share but what I'm understanding is ultimately it's really the relationship that we have with our children of treating them with respect as human beings with their own Concepts own ideas so we have a little humility and you know I don't I don't know if the words no on our part but just like you know we can go further with them and like maybe clarified even the younger kids even when we talk with them it doesn't have to be with that auth authoritative you know strength it could be more with friendly to strength obviously there's no magic answer and there's no what to do when and like exactly how you shake but the concept is there sure if you buy the book maybe it's more clear in the in the clarity of how to implement it um I think as parents we get very scared when it comes to our kids I always say this so interestingly when it comes to yim's kid re Daniel we know exactly what to say it happened to me my wife I was in I was in The Pizza Store few a few months ago and I see a few struggling kids I went over to them I bought them lunch I Rin had a good time like we had just a good time so nice no no judgment huh if I see my kids in the pizza store duringa I'm going to start screaming at him like what happened so I think that we have to learn when it comes to our kid that we lose a certain clearness of mind a certain sense of like you know what we would do for I think it's a very hard thing so I think we get very judged I think we judge ourselves very hard but we have to remember it's very hard to have a there's a reason why right somebody's NE somebody's related there's a reason why people take lawyers and to speak because when you're you you you can't think clearly and it's hard and I think that's very hard for parents so it's just my opinion but it's listen to the sh read the books and we should all be but said after a lot of I think RAB elepant said one of the end of the year one of the things we talking about also said the one you saw is the only thing I can tell you at the end is DAV DAV and Dav just daving day and night gladin said but every moment you have for your kids that's really the ultimate and we said this many times by Ki there is a saying that goes it's very hard when you see you know other people that we live in a similar community and we give similar and we do the similar things you see some people that have these beautiful children that are just like one after another like you just look at them you're like wow you know top boys and top girls and and then your kids are just you know you did the same basically within the same range and they're all going through different things so it's obviously a lot of that needs to go in you need a lot of you know sometimes is actually to have harder kids and to work harder on ourselves to to be these beautiful so give everybody that they should be to have a lot from old kids and grandkids coachen amen yeah thank you thank you everyone for the the warm and I should everybody should and I do want to say like we heard before that yeah the ladies out there the mothers out there are doing a great job and should give them to continue and obviously when they hear these things it can be it can be hard like everything I'm doing and now you're putting more on my head it could be harder but the concept the idea is what I would say is it's a relationship and it's not only with your kids it's with your spouse it's really to understand to relate to be able to be there for them so they feel that you're there for them so you can talk if they have something to say and yes So eventually they can understand that you mean they're good to go to sleep it's it's that's what a relationship is and sometimes they like it sometimes they don't but they know that you have a healthy relationship so you know and obviously to how to work it out step by step so we'll have to go to the courses professional but that's it boils down to that having an healthy relationship and like we heard before when it's our own kids we're emotionally involved and the triggers the buttons and it gets hard and we lose it and that's where we have to understand okay I it's okay to lose it once in a while but like we heard from we have to be with our kids run out to spend time with our kids every day and that's that's a New Concept like I don't have time how do I do this they don't want it okay but first understand listen to these ideas Hashem should help us all like we heard hem please guide us open our eyes and mem we should be able to fill fulfill our TK taking care of ourselves our kids healthy way thank you Dan thank you very much thank you coach thank you for for the opportunity and one thing we need to realize we have uh ourselves father mother but we have a third partner and that's ream they're three every child has three Partners so when we DAV in we need to say hey ream you're one of the shareholding partners over here we we need your help not just because we need your help but you're you're a third partner in this child and this n we're all in this together so we need you to help us not just because you're the and not only because you're our King and not only because you're our father and not only because you're our friend but you are this child's partner the same way I am me and you me and you you're in it with us you have the same invested interest in this n as I do we're we're together with you we're joined together with you in this child so we DAV to you we pray to you that we want to see the on the child for us and for you you're not you're not you're not an outside party over here we're in this together that's a very powerful it's a very powerful when you say you're my over here please me us and you help us out in our child help us out in our child that kind of that kind of will uh reverberate throughout the universe that kind of in the of Us coming together before and for so many y sharing ideas and sharing about this important subject all of our we should all be and we should all see the we're we're hoping for and thank you our coach family over here everybody should have a wonderful Kana enjoy time with family friends don't eat too many donuts enjoy theas see everybody January 5th 2025 have a happy New Year and all the best