The One Thing to Stop Doing If You Want a Stronger Marriage

Whenever people go through difficulty in their marriage, they've gone through a fight, there's tension, there's a bump in the road, they've found out information that had totally thrown them off or had shared information that had thrown their spouse off. Something happened that disrupted the piece. It may have happened more than once and at some point it's like, I had enough. I have to do something. The question we always ask ourselves is, "What do I do?" We want to be practical. That's a very overwhelming question because what should you do like everything do everything there's a lot of things to do. I I don't know if it's just one particular change that's going to change everything. So what do I do is actually it's a practical question but it's a very overwhelming question. It's a paralyzing question. Let me give you a better question to ask yourself. Who do I need to become? Because when you find out who you need to become, that is much more fundamental. And that's going to shape your discovery of what to do. Because when you know who you really are, the version of yourself that knows how to show up in these difficult situations, the peaceful version of yourself that has showed up in marriage and has enjoyed it. When you learn to discover that within you and bring that with you regardless of the circumstances, you discover a part of yourself that has even more clarity. And now you no longer ask yourself, "What do I do?" It's like, "If this is who I am, this is what I would do." It actually becomes a lot more clear. I ask couples all the time, if this was a successful session, what is the first thing that would be different about you? What would you first notice? I'd probably be happier or I'd probably be more confident. I'd probably feel more natural in the relationship. I'd probably feel more connection. When we start talking about fundamental identity, not just behavior, the behavior that is necessary to upkeep that identity becomes more clear. So don't just ask yourself what do I do? That's a paralyzing question. Ask yourself who do I need to become? It's not an easy question, but it's a fundamental question. And that is where real change and healing begins.