The New PARENTING SHIFT Everyone Needs to Know!

I think there's confusion today I think there's confusion today because we've come to a point where we recognize that certain paradigms that were familiar to us are no longer effective I'm talking about the old style of parent that perhaps was quite popular and pervasive in previous generations or maybe even not that long ago a few years ago even and we've come to a point where we realize that's not really what toyoto wants it's not really what cidus wants and besides for all that it doesn't work the children don't respond to the harshness and fear-based and shame based so we've come to a point where we realize that we need to unlearn some of the old models but the question becomes what do we replace that with it's easy to just throw around words it's easy to say well we don't want to educate children out of fear we're going to educate them out of love okay I agree but what does that look like what does that actually look like to educate out of love and I think what's happened I'm just saying this as an observer is that in many cases what we've done is we let go of stuff that we know doesn't work but we haven't yet really replaced it with anything so we know that we don't want to be so hard on our children that we break them God forbid we know that's not the path but then what do we do instead of that it's like well I guess nothing right just stand back and let them do whatever they're going to do because we can't stop them anyway and if we try to interfere they're going to get mad at us and God forbid we're terrified that we're going to turn them off they're going to go away away from us so it's like yeah maybe we've eliminated certain parenting styles that you might consider on some level to be abuse but in many ways we've just replaced that with neglect and th neither of those are desirable we don't want abuse or neglect but if we don't yet know how to parent out of love so then it's like we're kind of stuck we know what not to do but we're not yet proficient at what to do and then just nothing happens and then there's a lot of what we see which is um to use a a Hebrew word heus a lack of order a lack of a lack of Direction and then sometimes we think well maybe we should go back to the to the old way I mean maybe it'll emotionally destroy our children but at least at least there'll be some type of order there'll be some type of normaly right and then we say no we can't do that no okay fine so we have no choice we got to go back to the new way which is no standards no goals no guidance and I don't really think anyone's to blame here I just think it's a new skill set and it takes a while to learn and it's and it's and it's radically new it's radically new I don't just mean it's new to us I mean it may be new in terms of the entire timeline of human history because a lot of this has to do with the fact that Messiah is coming very soon and everything is changing including and especially parenting so we have to learn this whole new approach this m approach to educating our children and uh I think we need to be understanding of the fact that we haven't mastered it yet and that's okay but an evening like this is an opportunity to talk a little bit more about it and maybe to hear different ways of explaining it and allowing it to sink in so that we can study to be a little bit more comfortable parenting the new way the loving way so that's that's what we're doing here and like I said we're in Crown Heights I'm talking to leiters I'm talking to the initiated so I'm just going to say it straight up you want to know what it looks like to get the best of both worlds to be able to guide our children without breaking them or naming them to be able to get the best out of them but also to show them how perfect they are already you know the Paradox the seemingly impossible contradiction you want to see how those two seemingly opposite approaches are harmonized so that's like I said Crown High labers I can say it like that but let me support this statement because I think the examples will be helpful um there's a story that the rebbit told that basically sums up the entire new paradigm for Our Generation Um rebba told this story at a shab was right after it was and you can look it up in theas in also it was included the edited version of this talk was included in in the back in the for bimas here's the story the story is that that AB job was once on uh vacation he used to take trips for his health at least ostensibly the reason for the trips were to visit different Spas for healing so he didn't have a lot of money in fact to the contrary the financial situation was very Bleak and he came home not home home he wasn't in laich like I said he was traveling to one of the spa towns in Europe but to wherever they were staying and rebit shab's wife was waiting for him he came home and he was holding a new purchase a uh cane a stick a walking stick with a silver handle and she knew that they had no money she knew that if he bought something new he bought it on credit and she asked what is this so theab told that I just couldn't resist buying this as a present for our son the's only child who was the and he explained what it was that aroused his feeling of of love for his child while he was he was out and about he was strolling and he saw something that made him really feel strongly he wanted to do something nice for his son and and he bought this stick and he brought home the stick and that's the whole story it doesn't sound that deep it doesn't sound that cataclysmic it's just okay but in the Reba's hands this story becomes the marching orders for a whole new paradigm a whole new reality so theba asks okay I get that the abbab was a loving father and he wanted to buy a present for his only child but why that present why a can with a silver handle okay good question so that EBA proceeds to unpack this story and I should mention to you and I think it's significant that EBA says that the FED rebba never told this story publicly the rebba says he told it to me privately there are many things that Reb heard as privileged information from the F things that we know now were Reb training fbba was training his son-in-law to become his successor and he was telling him things that really a reab only tells to a reab and then the rebit turned around and took this information this privileged information and he shared it with with us which is another of theb the Reb took Reit training stories and he shared them with an entire generation so the debbit explains the story what's a stick well a stick everything's from Tyra in the mishna in aara chapter 3 at the beginning it says if you come to a town and you see a statue and you're not sure is it just ornamental or is it idolatrous so the mishner says well it depends if it's holding a stick mention some other things too the statue could be holding but if it's holding a stick then it's an idol because a stick is a symbol of rulership the leader holds a stick a Mel so the statue is holding a moel it's a symbol of leadership of dominance and therefore you know that statue is an idol so the stick represents Authority Now with an idol it Authority that comes from klippa from the negative spiritual Realms but also in kadosha there's the idea of leadership and Authority which is also symbolized by a stick so the debba says that ebab by giving his son this stick was transferring to him a new paradigm of leadership and proceeds to explain there there's a prophecy in Zakaria you all with me this is what the Reb does with a two-line story there's a prophecy in Zakaria zakaya sees these sheep being shepherded and he sees two sticks you know Shepherds use sticks when they're shepherding and he sees a mam what does that mean a pleasant stick and a MIM a stick of violence or brutality this is what zakarya sees in his prophecy speaks about it in in gamar in sanadrin speaks about two different styles of rabbis says the rabbis in the land of Israel they were more mellow they were more peaceful with each other they were the makam style and in bubel they were very harsh like like Russians like liters you know they used to bark at each other so that they were the makim they were they were tough guys but that's what it says in the gor in sanadrin but in uh there's a mimer h from the so the madash explains that these two sticks represent two Aras of Jewish history and in turn they represent two redemptions two levels of redemption why is a stick related to Redemption when we left MIT it says you're GNA leave with your sticks in your hands but when we left MIT what kind of a stick you want to guess which was it the Mak or the Mak was it the Pleasant stick or the violent stick when we left MIT the violent stick why did we need a violent stick when we left mitam because the the evil was still so powerful that we're told what does Tanya explained to us when it says that the Jews they fled they ran out of MIT why were they running at that point par was devastated who are they running from ananya tells us they were running from themselves because the was still so strong if they didn't get out of MIT immediately they would have fallen back into their comfort zone the ra within them would have overtaken them and that's it God forbid there would be no Exodus so they needed a they needed a violent stick to address the evil they needed to hit back the evil but then when mesiah comes it's going to beem says and I will remove the spirit of impurity from the face of the land there will be no more evil so you don't need to hit the evil the Evil's gone so in that case what kind of a stick are we going to have when mhia comes is what the explains the makam the pleasant stick so that ebba says that EAB in giving this present this seemingly simple present to his only child his son and future successor by giving him this stick he gave him a new model an unprecedented Model A Gad model for leading he transferred to him the mulam the pleasant stick that we're going to use to usher in the Redemption and theb then explains that's why the stick wasn't a simple stick what did it have what was the handle made out of Sil silver silver in L Kesh is CIF CIF is kis longing love I've yearned and longed and loved and pined to be close to return to my father's house so the silver represents you get the play on words the theis represents the love what's the makam the pleasant style of leadership it's leadership with love now that doesn't mean that you abandon people now that you're no longer beating them with a makim now that you're no longer brutalizing them it doesn't mean you drop them off and you say okay you're good you're on your own now I had two modes rage and silence the rage is over now I'm silent right no when we go into the makam mode as the Gula draws near we don't leadership doesn't abandon us parents don't abandon children teachers don't abandon students the doesn't abandon as we go into the mode to the contrary we're just is involved if not more involved it's just a different style of involvement and the ju opposes these two Styles what's the difference between the two Styles the Mak and the makim theba says the difference between the old way and the new way is very simple he says in Yiddish not breaking nor rather lifting up and drawing close so instead of leading with harshness with threats with shame now we lead by telling people how great they are that's ufh Haven lifting them up and by including people in our lives that's Susan bringing them close so it's not that we've stopped parenting no oh boy now we've as we're getting started parenting now the real parenting begins o lifting them up and drawing them near the also describes these two paradigms in terms of roten and toog La audience here so I know I can I can drop terms like that but I'll translate it R is Will Ty is pleasure in Crown Heights everyone knows that Rin and Ty are both makim they're both k right but the difference between them you guys all know this stuff what's the difference between and I'm not talking about although obviously the way it's experienced down here in uh in human psychology is a derivative of the way that it happens in in ilise but let's talk about it in terms of The Human Experience what's the between R and will and pleasure so the Reb says very simply R will willpower breaks pleasure attracts those are the two pares the old one and the new one broken down in the most simple language possible the old style rain willpower it's my way or the highway R when you lead based on Willpower someone's going to break and it ain't going to be me right so when the leadership leads based on authority of willpower then those they lead either conform or they shatter and that was the old Paradigm tyo is a totally different style pleasure kog is pleasure it attracts it doesn't mean that we're no longer leading it doesn't mean that we're no longer involved in our children's lives it doesn't mean that we've abandoned them God forbid doesn't mean that now that we can't beat them with the we have nothing to offer them to the contrary now we've started influencing them for real the real influence you see when when you break somebody that's not influence that's coercion you've left them a shell of themselves all you've done is you force them to do what you need to make them do and maybe in certain context and maybe in certain eras in history that was that was necessary maybe I don't know I didn't live in that era I only live now on the cusp of the Redemption so we don't break people anymore but here's the thing who has more influence the one who breaks or the one who attracts when you break somebody there's nobody left over after the process when you attract somebody the process is just beginning hey this is Shas tab you were just watching a clip from this class if you want to get the full context the full class that this clip that you just watched with from you watch right here click right 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