The mystical explanation of Tu Be'Av (The 15th of Av) - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] tonight is going to be the 15th day of a which is called Tu is a also the hilula of a very great s [Music] called am ban not so known but he a very big sadik so should be for his in his Merit and for of his Great Soul but the 15th of a is known as theava the the holiday of love and our sages say that at the time between Tav and tuav the single girls would go out to the fields dressed in beautiful clothes and uh celebrate and it would was a good very good time for for for dates and for for many reasons this they got the the the term of the holiday of love our sages saying Tu there were not greater days to the Jews Like yon kipur and tuav the 15th of and which obviously needs an explanation I mean Y kipur is a huge day the day of atonment and to seems like a regular day like nothing special so most of the first of all most people don't even talk about it's not like such a big day it's not such a big day and there's not such of a big deal going on with that day and if already somebody's talking about it they're talking about about marriage about how to find a date and so forth but the real essence of the holiday is something that I don't think enough people talk about or don't talk about it at all and which I think it's very important to emphasize it because this is the day every day of the year every specialicious time we mention whether it's a holiday if it's kanuka it's an auspicious time something can be achieved and there's special energy in the world but on this specific day that later on we can understand why our sages say that there weren't such good days for the Jews Like Yip and later on we can kind of put all the dots together and understand it but the reasons why it's called the holiday of Love is because everybody wants to get married I mean once they get married they get they they understand what the mistake they did but before they got married before they got married every person they're like constantly H I can't wait to get married my girl since she was 8 years old she would wear already a a bride's dress as a costume and pretend that she's a mommy and she would start getting all the kids I'm the mommy you're the daddy you're the kid you're the neighbor so you see little girls already when they're 12 years old already dreaming of getting married and when it comes to the age when it's a time to get married and you see the there's a lot of excitement going on around it and unfortunately in our generation there's a huge amount of people that are not can get married just can't find their other half it's a it's a big problem in our generation almost anywhere that I go people come and tell me I'm in my 30s I'm in my 40s I can't get married I can't find my other half what's going on so everybody constantly has this agenda that they want to get married two two months after the wedding they're like oh was much better to be by myself and then the whole rest of their life they just complain what did hasem put me with but the reality is that Hashem puts in our nature this desire to to get married is because the only way for me to grow is if I have a mirror if I don't have a mirror I will never grow and really I came down to this world to refine myself I came to do mitv I came to obey the the rules of the Torah but I mainly came down to this world to refine myself and I can only refine myself if I have a very good mirror and if I'm allowing that mirror to reflect on me if I have a good mirror it will help me work on myself if I need to work on my anger then Hashem is going to put a very annoying wife give me a very annoying wife and if I have to work on my patience that hasm is going to give me very annoying kids and if I whatever attribute that I have to refine hashm is going to make sure that in my surrounding is enough mirrors to make sure that they press all the right buttons that I can start working on the midot on the character traits that I need to refine and we all have a bunch of these character traits that we need to refine I just mentioned mentioned anger and patience can be being judgmental jealousy sadness depression there's so many character traits laziness oh the list is long so all these character traits that I need to refine Hashem will make sure that there's somebody in my life that will will show it to me and I would usually get upset because I don't like seeing the truth that's the problem that people don't like being rebuked people don't like being told how wrong they are uh there are many rabbis that their their entire theme is by rebuking people and people some people don't like it some people like it and because you need to be rebuked and some people say I don't like this Rabbi all he does is rebuke everybody the reality is that we have to be rebuked look now now in the whole book of hem is going to start rebuking the Jews a lot you did this you did that you shouldn't do this you shouldn't do that so Hashem has very colorful ways to rebuke people and he puts people in front of them and if I have to work on a certain attribute then a certain individual in my life will be there to push that button that I'm constantly going to have to work on that now in most cases the refinement will be done with my spouse that's most of the cases of course my friends my family my my co-workers but the majority of the refinement will be with my wife or my husband and my kids and then with the people that are very very close to me and they can be close to me in my workplace they can be my assistant my boss and it can be co-workers but the point is that is always going to put me in situations that somebody's going to need to help me that I'm going to have to be helped in order for me Hashem wants to see if I'm going to be grateful for that help hasem says I less care about myself obviously Hashem says I want you to acknowledge the miracle Hashem will put me in a situation then he will get me out of the situation so I can acknowledge Hashem made a miracle and say thank you that's the basics but Hashem is very humble he doesn't need to be applauded Hashem says I'm going to put you in a situation that somebody has to help you and you cannot get out of the situation without that person's help and we all run into these situations now I want to see if you're going to be grateful for that person and you're going to appreciate what that person did and this is really where most people fail is that they are very ungrateful they think believe and they just think people just think that the world owes me something people carry out the the the attitude of course you have to do it for me don't you know that I am the the top in the ladder of creation there are some husbands that they say of course my wife has to cook for me you have to cook for me you're my wife no your wife is not a cook she doesn't have to cook to you say thank you when she does and on the other way around I know with ladies they say my husband has to provide sustance for me it's in theba oh suddenly you know what it says in theba when it comes to money suddenly you know where make and you read theba and I can guarantee to you that I never met one woman who actually read her tuba so also on the other hand I'm not just blaming the men also women some women say no my husband has to give me x amount of money a month and I have to buy my clothes and jewelry and vacations nobody has to do anything for you and sometimes people have the same attitude with their kids it's my kids they have to respect me you know many parents I meet that they tell me my kid is very fresh my kid is doing this that they have to respect me oh who said they have to respect you cuz it says in the Ten Commandments honor your father and and mother the is that if your father or mother goes against the Tor you have zero obligation to respect them if I Shalom have a father that desecrate Shabbat I don't I don't have to I'm not obligating doing so it's much more complexed when it comes to honoring your parents because a lot of parts that are beyond the letter of the law but just to to isolate the concept many people think that I can do whatever I want I can treat my kids like garbage and they have to respect me and that's what I hear from many people they have to respect me I'm their parents well listen if you treat them like garbage uh you know don't expect much respect there the point is that Hashem constantly puts me in situations that I'm going to have to be at the mercy of another person and that person will need to help me now comes the big test is if I'm going to be grateful now the essence of this day of is to to make am I grateful to the right people on yum kipur when are sages connect these two days because on yum kipur you know what I do I do cha we call it in Hebrew is a is an account is an account to my NE to Soul am I really doing what I'm what I'm supposed to do am I really honest am I really following what the Torah says am I really not judging other people or not cheating people in business I need to do now I mentioned so many times that onip you can't really do Chua cuz how can you do in 24 hours Chua for an entire year you can't it's impossible and the people who delay their Chua for Yip it's a mistake because I don't remember in the month of what I did 11 months before that in the previous how can I remember I will maybe remember one very big incident that happened to me in the last year but every little thing how can I remember so I have to do CH every day every day when I say I have to do CH for the day and every Friday before I go to the mik and before I pray as a man I have to do CH before you light candles you have to sit for 10 minutes and do CH for the entire week and then ones before we celebrate and and and and enjoy thees I have to do cha for the entire month and then comes I don't come with a lot of Chua to do I already did cha the past year besides that I have 40 days from till to start really dissecting and people depend on this day because if I don't have young I'm carrying with me bags of junk comes their sages and they say there's another day to do another type of CHA but I'm going to make it easy for you it's only going to be for one thing is you have to make neish and account am I grateful now when I'm when I love somebody a lot in most cases I will be very grateful I will thank them if I don't love the person that much and in most cases there's very few people that I really love the first person that I love the most is me and then the second person I love the most is myself and then the third person that I love third is alone and after that maybe a few other people but really I love myself the most so I'm very grateful for myself but most people around me I love them but I'm not grateful if you can sit down and make an account am I grateful for to my parents for all the work they did for me am I grateful for my wife for my husband for my boss I I mentioned that in one of the lectures not too long ago that nobody maybe a few people I shouldn't say nobody very few people really go and thank their boss once a week once a month and they take the paycheck thank you thank you for hiring me thank you for employing me I mean people just take it for granted of course not only that I that I shouldn't thank him he has to pay me and he has to pay me more I I actually do much more than than what he pays me most people are bitter with their boss oh he works me like a slave he lets me work for full eight hours and then he has the and most people are very ungrateful to their boss I don't don't think and I didn't met many people that came at the end of the shift at the end of the week or at the end of the month to tell the boss Mr Mr show so Ando I wanted just to thank you for hiring me I appreciate you giving me the opportunity I know there are many people out there that can do my job thank you for taking the time and considering me and I appreciate it so the sad reality is that very how many people do it how many people will come to the teacher of their child once a month thank you for working so hard with my child I can barely tolerate my child and you do it for eight hours every day how many people call their their the teacher of their child to thank them thank you for educating my child for giving them the right example for giving them good midot for being patient with them if I would stand in front of 40 kids every day I don't know how good of a teacher I would be so the point is that we're very ungrateful I'm not talking about Hashem right now that's a whole different thing that the sad reality is that most people are not grateful with Hashem but that's not what we're talking about today this you can take as a side note and incorporate it into your life that very few people really thank AEM and forget about thanking thanking is one thing it's very easy to thank some somebody it's just two words thank you but to be grateful that's very very hard and that's what this day is about is to come to a point that I can sit with myself and to start analyzing am I really grateful for everything around me most people are not most people they think the world is owes them anything that everybody has to help me everybody has to be nice to me nobody owes you anything nobody owes me anything and when somebody decides to help me you know most people they they they they constantly need the assistance of another person that's how Hashem created the world Shem created the world with a with a system in one way it's a little bit annoying cuz a lot of people say let me just be independent I don't need I don't need the help of other people and you know how a lot of people say you know you don't want to burn Bridges you even know how when you're going to need another person the reality is is that Hashem constantly puts us in these situations that suddenly sometimes you can know a person for 40 years and suddenly you're in a in a problem and that's the person that is around 40 years you know that person now it's time to can you help me the sad reality is that we constantly need other people's helps that's why Hashem created it in such a way if if we wouldn't need need to depend on other people then Hashem would put us on different islands and say just be independent do whatever you want but hasm says I want you to coexist I want you to depend on one another not because I want you to be the poor person that you need to get something cuz they want you to develop this gratefulness to be thankful and to be grateful and if you're able to be grateful to a person then obviously you'll start developing it to be grateful to Hashem most people are not grateful to hm they might say thank you to Hashem when they close a big business deal when they get they were sick and they became healthy but for the very simple thing we don't thank AEM thank you Hashem for making me able to breathe thank you Hashem that I have teeth that I can chew and I can actually enjoy the food instead of just swallowing milkshakes I mean whatever soups one time I had to go through some teeth treatment I couldn't eat for a couple days I was like my gosh look at this something so small and I can't even say once a day thank you Hashem for giving me teeth thank you Hashem for giving me the ability to to breathe that doesn't mean that all day long I need to go and thank AEM but I need to be thankful and to be to to be grateful and it doesn't have to come in an action it has to just exist exist I don't have to tell my wife 50 times a day thank you thank you for folding the clothes thank you for making me a meal thank you for doing this I don't have to do that every day the thing is that first of all actions are more powerful than words sometimes it's one act that can overpower 50 words but if you really develop develop this emotion of being thankful inside of you even words are not so required because the other person will feel that you are grateful and the problem is that we are run run by our ego we have a very big ego we are created with a certain system that we constantly feel that we need to take every opportunity that I'm in I try to see what's in it for me I go to a business deal what is in it for me I go to any type of a situation what is it benefiting me if it's not benefiting me why I I don't need to be here unfortunately most of friendships and relationships is what good is it for me and if I don't benefit anything out of this relationship I don't need you if you're not supporting me financially emotionally mentally you're not entertaining me you're not taking me from point A to point B if I don't need you then go I don't need you that's it the relationship is over and most relationships are depending on something very few relationships are not depending on anything and I just want to be in this relationship because it's that's because I want to so we are built we are created with a system uh that I constantly think what is it what am I getting from here and if and I'm constantly looking and it's not in an obvious way not that I meet a person and I start analyzing okay what can I use that person it's done in a very subtle way in my subconscious and if you focus on your subconscious and you meditate on it you can actually Analyze That in many situations when you get into a certain relationship ship you in the back of your mind are analyzing what is it what what's good for you and if you don't see any benefit you leave the conversation very very fast if a person stops you in the street and he starts small talk and you're in a rush in the middle of something you just brush him off and you leave but if that person works for somebody that you that you can get some type of a favor suddenly how are you did you hear it and S you why cuz in the back of your mind you have an agenda that person knows this person that knows that person that can get me something or if you know that that person can actually be a messenger oh suddenly you have an agenda to talk to that person if that person is worthless in your eyes go away from here I don't need to talk to you so our nature which is is fed by our ego is what is in it for me and if there's nothing in it for me I don't need you which ultimately comes to the point that I do need people I need many many people I need to to get first in line I need to know the clerk in the office cuz she will get me first in line and in all all sorts of places I need to know people you know what they say they say it's not what you know it's who you know and if you know the right people you know how to get around so obviously we constantly need people you know now I know of uh somebody that came to me they they need some type of a letter to get out of a situation and she came to me and she told me do you know this type of person to get me the letter so here you see if you know the right person all you need is a few lines and a stamp and you're out of a situation and I was like look at that now how she's running from door to door do you know that person do you know this person I needed it one letter that's all you need a piece of paper and your whole daily agenda is messed up cuz you're depending on one person now that person when they know that they that you need them o suddenly now okay let me see how I can use you so it becomes this h a a circle that everybody's like what can I do now you need me now how am I controlling you new and I'll you know I'll help you now you'll help me another time and unfortunately what what motivates us is our ego and our ego is is right away it will put a partition if I don't need you for anything if you are worthless for me then go out go out in my life I don't need you and only when I will find that I need you in some type of a way then you're in my life again so this is a very superficial way that unfortunately that's how our subconscious work very few people are pure good and they will help any other person from the goodness of their heart not expecting for a thank you some people if they they can be very good but they're still accepting a thank you but that's from the other end now I want to dissect it from my end that there's no such a thing that I can be independent and I will never rely on anybody hasem created the system that I'm always going to need to rely on another person why so I can develop the emotion of being thankful and that is that ultimately I will be thankful to Hashem very few people really are Greatful they don't have to say it 50 times a day but they're very grateful to hasem and when it comes out they says in that situation Hashem helped me in this situation Hashem made a miracle in this situation I can't believe how hasem pulled through very very few people are like that most people think that Hashem just has to give them everything and really Hashem gives us all day long air food substance you know my my common sense my vision everything I don't need to go through the entire list and again I don't need to thank hashm 50 times a day I just need to be appreciative and the appreciation will come in many different ways but again Hashem less cares hasm says listen I I I don't need you to to thank me all day long I want you to develop the the thankfulness or this emotion of being grateful to another person that did something to you doesn't matter if you deserve it you don't deserve it they went out of your way out of the way whether they intended to do that whether they think they're going to benefit something doesn't matter person does something to you you got to be grateful because ultimately they don't really have to do it now the problem is that since we don't have that then it creates this energy between everybody that I I don't feel appreciated and then it causes this whole circle that everybody's kind of like not 100% happy with everybody else everybody's kind of angry with this ah that person I helped she never said thank you that person I helped when I needed help she didn't help me we have this energy around us that everybody has this this schut or you know they say in in in I think they say in America they have beef between another person I don't even know what it means I just heard the term that I'm not 100% with that person and unfortunately almost anybody you'll tell you a person do you know that person that's what you'll get that that's the sad reality very few people they have a record that'll be like oh here W that person is is amazing and you'll always have a ratio 20 30% maybe will say that person is great and then the larger man will be like I don't I want to say l but there's always the but I don't want to say l but and that's not I asked a rabbi so unfortunately everybody has holding some type of a grudge to another person cuz I helped them 40 years ago now when it came from them to help me they didn't help me or I sent them my son or this and the point is that we have to stop and the same way on Yip that I do a Chua analysis how am I conducting my my life even though in Yip I have to do chva mainly between me and another person because hasem says if if a person out there is not happy with you or you hurt another person you didn't didn't appease that person the person didn't forgive you then you can come to sh and ask me for forgiveness first it has to be between one person and another person then come to the sh that's why we have 40 days from the head of the month of till October till Yip to do cha why so I start going in apologizing to everybody and giving back what I owe and so forth so ultimately Yip was mainly hasem says first do your chva between one person and another then come to me and I'll forgive you for everything as long as everybody else forgives you then I'll erase all your sins same thing here hasem says on two on the 15th day of first go and and have peace with everybody then come to me first go and be grateful for other people and you have to make yourself an assessment how grateful are you are you really grateful for your annoying spouse that all day long you complain that they're annoying but are you really grateful for the things that they do if Hashem already put you together it's not because Hashem wants to to make you suffer or a lot of people say after a year or two I can't stand my wife I can't stand my husband 60 70 80% of divorce rate most of them should not even get divorced they just people don't know how to work things out so the easier way out is just to get divorce and more than that people don't like what the spouse is is shining on them so they I don't want that and they get divorce like as if the the next spouse is going to be better I have so many husbands and wives that come to me and they tell me I can't stand my wife I can't stand my husband I want to get divorced and my answer is always the same why you think the next wife is going to be better you think the next husband is going to be a a better choice your husband or your wife is not here for you to have a honeymoon honeymoon you have after the the wedding for a week that's it honeymoon is over back to normal and the spouse is to refine you and Hashem is going to send you yeah he's going to send you an annoying husband or a lazy husband to get you out of your uh your calmness or whatever it is people some people are very lucky and they have a very good relationship and they're able to really nourish and learn from their spouse but a lot of people the marriage is not so easy in most cases the marriage is hard some people are just become passive and like okay whatever and then they come they have kids and then with kids it's a little bit harder to be passive with the kids the point is that any person that put in front of me is for me to learn from them and for me to to to see something that I need to refine and to be grateful for that person that is actually helping me instead of me saying to my wife you are annoying me every day CU you keep pushing this button that I don't want to hear then I should say her thank you for being patient and to tolerating my nonsense and that you're still willing to to strengthen me by telling me you not doing this you're not doing that I have a a student that tells me my wife is driving me crazy every day go and pray theman go and pray with theman why aren't you praying with theman why AR you and I tell her you should be thankful to your wife she's going to because of her you'll havea if you wouldn't have your wife nagging you all day long you wouldn't be praying you wouldn't even make it to the minion say thank you that she's nagging you all the time so the point is that I don't want to start dissecting every little thing I just want to give you the idea and you take it home and you you cook it on low flame that will cook real good because we have an supicious time tonight and it's not only tonight tonight and tomorrow which is the 15th day of a is an supicious time it's a 90% coupon 90% off coupon that you can do it easier that it's a time that it's a good apicius time to to meditate on it that's why our sages say that was the time that the single women will go out and there's actually the says that they would the women would tell the the the men look at what you are getting don't think that somewhere else you're going to get something better people have this this Distortion that that's why many people are not married in our generation because they sit in front of another person says it's not 100% perfect I can probably get something better instead of saying that's my other half I mean I'm not perfect then obviously my other half is not going to be perfect I told you about a certain individual that he used to do shim matchmaking it was very known in New York and and he used to prep the bride in the groom before going out on the shid by putting them in front of a mirror and telling them look at the mirror look real good at the mirror and then he would tell them you're not that great now go on the date so a lot of people they come to the date and they're thinking I'm so great now if that other person is not amazing that it's not fitting me but when I come to the date and saying you know I'm not that great I'm lazy I'm slob I chew with my mouth open whatever it is I leave my underwear on the floor I'm also not that great so somebody's going to have to tolerate all my nonsense so that's why this holiday the the theme is around this you know dates and shim because we don't always get what we want in life in life Hashem puts in front of us what is good for me and Hashem is going to put in front of me the people that will help me and instead of me complaining I have to be grateful that they're even willing to help that Hashem sent that will be the messenger to help you and I come with the attitude that that person has to help me and if he's not helping me enough then I then I get upset at that person so the theme of the of the day is to understand that wait a minute you know what a I'm not that great myself I also have a lot of baggage I'm also annoying now when I'm looking in the mirror when I'm just with myself I don't annoy myself I actually I mean I don't think people annoy themselves more people most people when they're by themselves this is oh now nobody's bothering me now I can do whatever I want but when somebody's around me suddenly I I'm also becoming a nuisance to other people and I realize that what it bothers you that I talk while you reading it bothers you that I eat with my mouth open why would it bother you it's me that's doing that it really bothers you that my underwear is on the floor so pick it up so that's the attitude of many people that when I'm doing it it's 100% fine you have to tolerate all my nonsense but when you say the wrong thing oh no no no no no no no you're disturbing the royalty right now and and you can't disturb me so today is a tonight and tomorrow is a very supicious time to look inside myself and to say am I really the amazing spouse am I really the amazing father the amazing employer the employee I mean nobody owes me anything my kids don't owe me nothing so what if I feed them for 18 years and I'm marrying them off and I educate them the end of the day they don't owe me nothing this is a very wrong attitude to say oh I raised you for 20 years okay thank you so much nobody told you to bring me to the world and my wife doesn't owe me anything if she makes me a meal I have to thank her and if she washes my clothes I have to thank her and you know what if I go and work and I provide sustance that she can be at home then she can thank me so the point is that this is the holiday of being grateful the holiday of me understanding that nobody owes me anything and when somebody does something for me then I need to be grateful for that doesn't matter right now what they did how they did doesn't matter what I did for them in in in in in a previous situation the point is that I want to know how to be grateful and it's very unfortunate that there are very good people out there that they help many other people and all they get is a shoulder back unfortunately I know many good people have a very good friend who is really an unbelievable man helps every person that comes to him he will help him with all his heart with no agenda and I see I don't you don't even have to tell me I see with my own eyes 90% are so ungrateful so like using the situation the sad reality is that there are very good people out there I believe that the majority are very good people each and every one of you has a very good character tra when somebody will come and ask for your help you will help somebody will come and ask for your advice your time can I borrow something can I sleep over we have this goodness in us and we do it and you know in most cases we do it with all our heart we don't do it for an agenda and what happens is that we're very we're very afraid to be good because the last time I was good I got used and the last time I was good I I I I I got it got thrown into my face and last time that I was good with somebody they took advantage of me so people are like okay I don't want to be good anymore I don't want to be good anymore because people take advantage of me and I don't get I don't need to to get money just a little just appreciation so the sample part is that we all have this unbelievable goodness in us and it's not coming out because people used me or they did something that now I I I I I don't want to do it anymore I helped one person once I helped another person twice they used me they took advantage of me whatever it is no I don't want to help anybody so why don't I want to help cuz I got hurt the reason why I got hurt is for me to understand that you know what I probably used somebody's kindness without appreciating that his kindness his hers so it turned around and now I got it straight to my face and the reality is that you can stop being good because somebody mistreated you it's very very easy we all try to do good things all the time and then we get the hard end of the stick which causes us to say I don't want to be good anymore but usually the case will be that if I will suffer something like that is because I use somebody's goodness I use somebody's good heart because I had an agenda and I'm not telling you that now you have to think 50 times before you're asking for help and saying okay I'm not doing it cuz we do rely on other people's goodness I mean that's how hasem created the world Hashem created the world in a in a way that there are people that are rich and there are people that are poor poor so the rich can help the poor and not necessarily with money rich I'm not talking about money in the bank I can be rich in knowledge I can be rich in in if I have time whatever it is hasem always creates this balance and if I'm rich in this life and another person in front of me is poor in this life in a different reincarnation I was poor and he was rich it's like a life is like a ferris will one time you're up one time you're down but the point is that constantly I need need to observe how am I reacting to the other world to to the world outside am I really thankful for every person even though they don't they don't they don't owe me anything and if I operate like that then you'll see that people will not take advantage of your kind heart they will be appreciative if I'm doing something and I'm not being appreciated very good chance that I was not appreciated to somebody else and the point is that hm just wants us to get along we just now commemorated the destruction of the temple up until today we're crying cuz we don't have a temple you know we have the beaver system you know a beaver is a very odd animal it's a very smart animal it knows how to build but it's it it it has a path and a beaver when it goes out in the morning to work it leaves landmarks so it can come back back to know where it came from and the story says that since the beaver always walks on his path then a hunter comes very easy puts a trap on the path and then the beaver goes and he cries and he cries telling you why are you crying he says because I see a trap on my path okay but if you see the Trap why don't you make a little detour I can't that's my path so but you're going to go into the Trap I I know I can't get off my path and the Beaver cries and cries still goes into the Trap so we are the same thing we're crying for 2,000 years that we don't have bet mdash we're crying we're crying we're crying but nobody's doing anything we're going straight into the same trap and the second bet mdash was destroyed only because of because of not liking another person for no reason that's why the temple was destroyed so says all I want you is to get along so I'm going to make it in such a way that you dependent on other people that's the reality and I'm not now coming to start analyzing why 90% of people that you turn to to help will turn their shoulder to you and say I don't want to help you whether it's going to set be said in a nice way or in a not nice way that's a whole different thing but the point is that I don't need to H request or require H people to appreciate me that's that's coming from my ego I'm not doing something to to to get an appreciation thank you so much you're so amazing if you're doing kindness and with somebody for that don't do that that's the wrong thing you do it because that's what you need to do but we're today looking at the other side at me and the question is not how many times I was mistreated or how how many times I was used that's not what we're talking about this day is not about that the day is about me reflecting am I really appreciating everything that everybody does for me even if it's the clerk in the bank even if it's the person that's in the store selling to me but that's less less relevant it's my spouse my parents my kids my co-workers my boss or the person in my life that is coming to take me out of my jam that's what he say jam out of my bad situation and hasm is always going to make sure people don't understand sometimes why they're in in a bad situation why is Hashem doing it to me because Hashem is going to send you a person to to save you to see if you're going to thank him if you're going to appreciate the fact that that person came and helped you soem sometimes orchestras situations not because you did something wrong hasm is not punishing youm is not hem is testing you to see if you're going to say thank you to that person and really appreciate you know that person really didn't need to help me and they still help me it doesn't mean you have to go and buy them a box of chocolate the next day or thank them 50 times or post on your Facebook that person is amazing that's not the point the point is to inside internalize to develop the appreciation that everybody's doing something for me not because I'm the the the king of the world and I deserve I don't deserve anything I have to humble myself that I really don't deserve anything and I'm and I need other person's kindness so later on I will have the opportunity to do the exact same thing with somebody else so we have 24 hours to reflect we have many supicious times of the year we've went through the entire year we learned about kanuka we learned about pu P shab all these holidays this is seemingly not such a dominating holiday nothing really big is done no meals no no no celebrations but really the essence of this holiday is to me to take 24 hours and to see what is good in my life so I can appreciate it and I can come to tell the people that are helping me in my life and say you know I never said that but I appreciate your hard work thank you you know that that one time I I texted the teacher of our kids they always text all these messages one time I text the it was you know an supicious time I text the teacher I said I just wanted to say thank you so much I never I never met you I don't have time to to come to school and I wanted to to thank you for all your hard work you're doing with my son and I appreciate it my son always says good stories about you and how you you you're a very good teacher and I I never got the chance and I appreciate your your help all it took is one minute to write a text message and he was so happy and he's he's like you know he's like thank you nobody ever no parent ever came and thanked me and he's like I'm doing it for my job he is a righteous person he says it's my I see these kids is my it's my uh my uh mission in life to give kids these kids the right redot but he's like you know nobody ever said Thank you and I appreciated the fact that you just said thank you all it talk is one minute of saying a a a thank you note the point is that hasem constantly will put me in a situation for me it's not again it's not about the me coming and thanking somebody it's just having this appreciation now when I have this feeling of being grateful and thankful then my attitude towards that person will be completely different and not like as if that person owes me something not that I need to tap on my own back but I I try to help a lot of people I'm not doing it to somebody to come and thank me but it's a it's a I feel that the majority of people that I help I don't feel any you have to help me you're the rabbi here like as if it comes with a job I don't have to help you I don't owe anybody anything so what if I'm a rabbi so what if I come and I teach you I owe you something I don't owe you anything I'm doing it because I want to and the attitude of most people that you have to where does it say that I have to open the door at 2:00 in the morning and answer the question to you so I'm I'm doing it because I want to help you the the the majority of people they feel that if you're doing something that you have to help them no I'm doing it because I want to not me I'm doing it you're doing it because you want to but I personally feel that the majority of the people that I do help they don't appreciate the fact that I took out of my time to do something it's like you know in Hebrew saying it's obvious you have to hasem created you and placed you in my community so you have to help me that's the attitude of most people and I don't I don't take anything personal because that's how I am but unfortunately most people take it personal and they don't want to help other people because I don't owe you anything you can't come with me with an attitude because I don't want to and I don't need to so the point is that I can tell you on my personal experience that most people that's just for them an obvious thing that you have to do something and it's what saddens me here I don't care what saddens me is that the person doesn't know how to develop the sense of appreciation so if they can't appreciate person in their life helping them how would they appreciate the kindness of hem how would they appre they might in a very external way say thank you or say yeah hasem is great deep down inside hasem says who are you kidding you don't care you don't really appreciate you don't really uh thank me not that Hashem needs thanks no I nobody we don't do anything for the thank you or for the box of chocolate after it's for the fact for the other person to develop that you know what I'm not that great it's a lesson in humility it's a lesson that hasem puts you to understand wait a minute the world doesn't owe me anything and I am not the the the the the symbol of perfection soem is constantly going to make me quch to understand wait a minute I I'm now I'm dependent on the kindness of this person and I'm depending of of the generosity of that person is not punishing me hasm is just trying to make me humble to understand you know I'm I'm not the only person in the universe so should take this 24 hours and not only to reflect in this specific day to take it throughout the year that Hashem constantly puts around me kind people kind people that they need to to they help me they tolerate my nonsense basically I have if I will make now a list of all my bad character traits if I'm going to have to ask somebody please here's a paper here's a pen write down all your bad character traits you'll see that paper very empty maybe two or three things but if you will ask that person's spouse or co-worker or child to put a list of all their bad character traits there's not going to be room on that paper so hasem says listen I need you to fill up that paper and the more you know how to fill up that paper by yourself the Fuller it is the greater situation you are if you're able to fill the entire paper with all the bad things that you can see in you you're in a very good place spiritually where you're holding that you're able to be very honest with yourself and write all the bad things that you have a you're humble B you know what you need to work on so hasm says I'm going to create situations for you to be able to crush you to be a little bit in the in the shadow of somebody else we should have a beautiful beautiful auspicious Tu you know it's called because I need to develop love I need to develop this love to other people and appreciation and if we're able to focus in on this specific thing in our life I can guarantee to you to that your life is going to be much more successful much more happier people around you are going to be much more happy to be around you you're going to see that people are much more easy to help you and support you when you start to developing this appreciation if you see that people are not helping you or assisting you or coming to to your rescue you can learn from that that in most case you have to work a lot of your appreciation and you don't really appreciate every little thing that people that Hashem gives in front of you and when you really work on that I can guarantee to you that you're going to see around you everything changes that oh wait a minute now the the reaction of the society around me is completely different if we developed this appreciation to other people needless to say we're going to start appreciating what hasem does and needless to say we're going to create a much more comfortable environment in our societies that will cause by the default the world to be a much better place a much more inviting place a much more thanking and appreciating place which will create much more charitable acts because I'm going to be able to I'm going to want to do charitable acts if I get a little bit of appreciation from you trust me I will want to help you 10 times more not you I'm talking about so and needless to say that that is the key to Bringing mashia that's why we see the t comes right after T shim says this is what caused the destruction here's how you're going to fix it here's how it's going to fix it just learning to to see the greatness in another person person that he took 5 minutes out of his time to help you 10 minutes out of his day gave you a room gave you food whatever it is doesn't matter we have to develop this wow this amazing you you did amazing and when we're going to develop this appreciation I can app and I can guarantee to you the world is going to totally start developing a much more uh uh uh loving way to do acts of kindness cuz we're all close nobody wants to why would I want to help you last time time I helped you you you you you humiliated me last time I helped you you screamed at me last time I helped you you told me how bad I am why should I help you anymore as we should have a beautiful Tu take this time to reflect and to grow spiritually and to reach to a higher place and the same way that Yip can achieve unbelievable things in regards to atonment based on the teachings of our sages Tu can reach the exact same level of atonment of me able to humble myself and thank other people and bring myself to to a point of being appreciative and thankful that in itself will cause AEM to be like okay fine I'm going to forgive you for everything else it's a very very powerful day bem we should see good days in our future and bem should have a beautiful beautiful rest of the TU