The Marriage Seminar #6: Best Friends Forever - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] one of the umbrellas that we give a hustle and kala at the sheva brothers is Samir to samatha Reema Hooven be joyful and be happy beloved friends kiss America at Sirica began Aden macadam as a Shem and made happy made joyful ottoman kava in GaN Eden you should have that same type of joy and keep in mind that this umbra comes from hazael it was written by Amarone maybe even tonight and every word is measured and very carefully used the words Rama who've him beloved friends is a very unusual expression and normally you assume that means that everyone in the audience loves these people and that their friends and Rashi said the slapshot rama Whovian what does it mean beloved friends a hassan bacala the hasan and kala shame ram who our friends are Hoving Zia who love each other Rama who V means in the hassan and kala are best friends who love each other and the brother we give you is that you should have the same joy that Hashem gave to Adam and Carver Indian aiding and the problem is that this is a little bit strange why and because if you were to define a marriage you would define it as a commitment as a bond I mean and just listened to Ray the RAM bond defines a marriage the posix says and the Dove archangels of each it's obvious email man will leave his father's wife with duck Beach though and cling to his wife so the Ramban explains that there is a closeness of husband and wife that is unparalleled in the universe there's no other relationship not to a father not to a mother not to a son a husband and wife in a proper Union are so connected so bonded that there is no parallel relationship so it sounds a little bit funny to call them friends I mean friends that you have a friend you have a buddy of a friend a good friend a close friend but because Allah defining the Husson and color confining a marriage they're defining it as and best friends who of each other and it doesn't quite sound to be and what the definition of the marriages it doesn't quite sound to be and what a union between husband and wife is now can we spend some time in the past sessions describing some of the tools that a Shem gave us to create a bond to create the connection and one is something called the saturation which just happens the other is romantic love and that is something that a husband and wife must constantly be working on constantly spending time together going out once a week mini vacations spending time together as a couple to create that sense of romance because that's a very important tool physical relations are also a very important tool to build that connection a bond attraction is a very important tool last week we discussed appreciation and these are all tools but here's the point all of these tools come to a Mataura come to a point the point of all of these tools are that a husband and a wife should join together totally and completely and if you'd like to know what the union is it has nothing to do with romantic love nothing to do with attraction it's a bonding it's a connection Avraham Avinu said he'd named Nadia dotty now I know behold sorry you're a beautiful woman when he was crossing in the river when there's time to go down to its ryeom and it was time to look then he's so oh you're a beautiful woman meaning what up until that point he didn't look Rashi explains it wasn't sneeze near its name because it's near Sun both of them he didn't look we need to say Avram Avinu didn't look at his wife didn't know what she looked like I allure question to ask you isn't attraction a very important part of a marriage he's an attraction beauty something that Shem put into a woman and a husband to be attracted to that to help create the bond the connection and I believe the answer is that it is true for us mortals and it's a very important tool for us regular people in the diver movie no and sorry I mean we're in a totally different level and even though again as I mentioned that the morale says it was never a bond of love and connection between husband and wife as it was between Sarah and Avram nevertheless they didn't need the tools that you and I need they were a totally different level and the others were almost I mean we have to learn from them but they're in a different league and they didn't need the normal tools that we need the point is that their connection was way way above and if you'd like to understand the ultimate goal it's not romantic love it's non attraction it's an effectuation it's a bond it's a connection of pure dedication one to the other where my interests are what could I do for my spouse my job is to support my job is to be a friend my job is to help what could I do for my spouse meaning of friend and we'll cuz I'll use that expression friends who love each other it's because that is the definition that's the goal the ultimate goal of it all is to be a support to be there for the other and one committed to the other sharing a life together and when you look back after ten years after 20 years and you see what it is that you built together and that is ultimately the bond but it's a bond that's pure we use the tools if you don't use the tools you're being very foolish because you'll never get there and if you think now I'm so holy I don't need you know intimacy it's not a big thing in my marriage you're making a big big mistake and if you don't think you need to go out with your wife she doesn't need attention she doesn't need my compliments she doesn't need my appreciation she knows well if you're going to make that mistake you're also gonna pay the price because we mortals need the tools and the trem gave us them but again all of these tools lead to that ultimate connection of a support of a friend rayma Hooven friends who love each other best friends dedicated to on each other best friends supporting one another and if you'd like an illustration and sometimes it's important to hear an illustration of what a proper marriage is like or if eager in his child's and chavez writes about his father their behavior was the gown was the leader of the clients role and if their many many years of marriage under McKay vague his wife died and a while past someone suggested a oh it was long enough after Patera someone suggested a marriage potential for a big Hagar and his son writes that her bouquet his answer was like this how could I even think about a up how could I even think about another woman when she left me I was bereft this was a woman I sought counsel with this was a person I shared my life with when she left there's nothing left I can't eat I can't drink my stomach can't hold food down I can't even make a Brokaw Crona I could barely Doblin without breaking down I could barely learn how could you ask me to forget her how could you ask me to marry someone else a girl has a gun the leader of the Jewish nation and he was a very very holy pious person but with those words he defined what a marriage is about it's a bond it's a connection friends with dedicated friends who love each other and ultimately that is the goal now in that being said I have a little question to ask there is a midst of a half dollar como club and that's probably the source of much of our obligation to do testator etc here's the question and does that Mitzvah apply to a spouse nothing okay here's another one well son of Ischia samito do not do not oppress do not know do not cost sire to another Jew does that apply to spouse Mount Lebanon available Robin doesn't that that doesn't fly right that can't possibly apply to a spouse that's like other people right I mean right listen hora right we'll say like rock Obama that for sure does not apply to a spouse right well yeah it does apply everyone of them applied but not only does they apply they apply far more ania ear code min is a concept conceptually it's a given that you're going to take care of your spouse all of the rules of has given notice that your girls are very good about going to other people's house and doing it that's it and ask them to do the same thing in your house come on mommy why is that I don't know why exactly we get used to our our family we let our hair down we don't have the same sort of and I begin to study the way husbands and wives act to one another you would assume that I don't know it's the myth says don't apply so I want to say a hitter's and maybe a big finish but that big finish is your spouse is supposed to be your best friend your spouse is supposed to be your best friend now what that means in plain language is you act to your spouse as you act to a friend so for instance friends don't scold friends don't lecture friends don't belittle friends don't nag badger Pesta irritate or annoy till they get their way friends don't disregard ignore poke fun at mock another friend that's not the way friends behave and anytime you find yourself acting that way you have to realize that I have stepped outside the confines of a marriage I'm now acting in a different way and if you'd like to work on your marriage I believe that this is one area that's very very significant and very important I always love it comes areum Kippur when guys start searching which I what after the two Vaughn du Rhone during the year so invariably I just love to ask tell me are you married if you're married I guarantee I can show you a host and entire train load of stuff because in the heavy traffic of life I said she said I'm before you know it I guarantee there's a lot a lot to repair a lot of chuhwa to be done and one of the things that you have to really focus on and really understand is that your role is to be a friend to your spouse it's supposed to be a support you're supposed to be a friend it's supposed to be doing fasted to your spouse my regular shows its L used to say if the practice doing it has said everyday everyday practice doing it so you'll be trained in being a giving other scented person so I'd like to give you a exercise to improve your Jean bias ready for some very easy one every day do an act of Hesed for your spouse choose something and do it for yourself now ladies I know you can when I cook and I clean I do laundry I know I got that there's no question that that's true and I know your husband appreciates it because he's taking a list he's written it down and he's reviewing it ten minutes a day and he gets you I got that but I'm talking about something else something that's a little special so it's a little unusual find something and do assess it every day for your spouse and I guarantee it's going to have an interesting impact on your marriage number one and you're going to realize my job is to be a friend to my spouse and your spouse is going to appreciate it as well and you have to find each person has their own things that are important to them each person has their own things that they're into you have to find something that your spouse values they espouse cares about and do it for them for one reason to show my spouse something of kind leanness of goodness and if you can't find anything and you're really short I'll give you an easy one we human beings hate criticism and love compliments love compliments I went to the Hegeman as a high school Rebbe and I realized that within the past ten years I had received two compliments and one was my father told me how good I did drill the chicken ten year and if you think I'm being facetious only half being facetious we human beings crave compliments and I know you're working on appreciation and I know you wrote down a list and I know you worked on it but here's another thing to do compliment your spouse find something not necessarily they do for you but find something that they do well that they've done well and say the words wow you really did that well that's great you're really good at this you really will now why should you do that because first of all you're doing the greatest asset in the world do you know how much we hunger for compliments you know how happy human being is when he receives a compliment and more than that the minute you compliment me I can't resist I just feel something different I taught high school for 15 years and I used to drill the guy's about people skills people skills people skills people skills as a matter of fact I used to push Dale Carnegie's book I would only do it privately because I didn't know if it was really that accepted and then I read later Miller's it's all in his right how good it is of significant a book and it's a book worth reading finding how to win friends and influence people in any case I used to hack the guys do monville I'll about the importance of compliments importance of compliments and I knew I did a good job because every week or so we had like a little routine where can I break the shear into two groups and the the guys in each group had to answer the questions and which you have a group got more points they got two I think that yeah they got to take the rebbe out for pizza this is amazing he appreciates that was this list but this is not a joke so and it was fiercely competitive the 11th graders and they were fiercely competitive my job was to be the judge I would ask questions and each team would have a chance to answer this team in that team and I would keep score whoever got the highest mark got to go after okay fine in any case I realized I was doing a decent job when it and I turned to this group this team and I said okay the question is that it added up and the team team captain said before I say a word I want to compliment the judge on a very brilliantly worded question very articulate very to the point and wonderful and as he's saying it of him and I said oh I could I know what you're doing I know what you're doing you know what he was doing he was actually learning and doing when I told him which is if you complement the human being there's a sense in their heart of wow joy happiness and they love you if you want to win friends give them compliments if you want to win enemies give them discouraging words give them criticism put them down and by the way just because it ends with a hahaha doesn't stop it from being criticism and if you want to gather huge amount of enemies train your tongue to criticize people if you'd like to gather friends train your tongue to compliment people and in a marriage and compliments are mighty mighty important you know my wife no longer asked me the years already years ago she would no longer ask me whether a food tasted good or not she would ask me and the kids would say one he asked ABBA Oh they say it tastes delicious now why do I do that I will never tell my wife it's too salty too why am I was so careful to I'll tell you why when your wife asks you how something tastes and you say mmm that's so great she doesn't hear that the food tastes not so great she hears that she is has failed as a wife she hasn't done a good job she is and if you think I'm wrong just watch just try it just try criticizing another human being just tried Phyllis izing especially your spouse and you'll see the effects are frightening and try the flip side just try complimenting notice something that's be genuine but train your eye to find things that your spouse does well train your eye to see these things and mention them and if you give a genuine sincere compliment I guarantee the heart of that person you're complimenting is going to change and if it just spouse and so much more so and the first rule of being a friend is to find what your friend does well support them to Hesed for them every day and have one more piece of advice and that is you should dive in for your spouse should Dom be shown bias work roshambo married now almost 30 years and I'm very happy I think even my wife who's not here to deny it is also very happy but I also like you know that three times a day I done fish on bias why am I so afraid why he was afraid because I've dealt with enough couples to know I dealt with the man it said he was married 16 years he didn't even know what Sean Meyers problem was he didn't even know about the issue he lost his job he changed seats she changed six months later he was divorced and you realize that this thing cultural bias is pretty pretty delicate and we need see after - Maya so certainly it's a very wise idea to diminish on bias but much more important Davin for the betterment of your spouse ladies it means in the morning spend ten minutes asking a sham please a sham let my husband succeed when the well in business under Ellen's learning let me do Ellen's dominate whatever ease into a sham please allow him to succeed gentlemen you say Hashem please help my wife let him run the house well let her be organized let it take care of the kids do you know what you're doing when you're doing that first of all Teela is extraordinarily effective number one but number two your darvany for a friend your friend has a need and you're actually asking a Shem please help my friend help my husband help my wife and with those words your understanding your relationship your building your relationship and this idea of friends and best friends who love each other Rama Hooven is a definition of a marriage first and foremost you have to be a friend a friend is one who looks out for the welfare of the other a friend is one supports the other a friend is one who's there one for the other okay good