The Marriage Seminar #5: Discovering your Spouse's Inner World - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] and now I'd like to share with you something that a lot of people don't realize some of the pins that we all intend to put into that balloon and to do this I'll have to share with you a little illustration imagine the following we have a young fellow he's married about six months and on his way home from coal oh he says himself you know Bar Hashem I'm so happy I'm married she's so put together and and so normal and has their chemin she's not one of slighty excitable nervous types Oh Hashem anyway and so he 6:30 comes home and he opens the door and when he opens the door walks into his apartment he sees his wife up on a chair that's what Please Please you kidding me helping the chickens he goes over to the cockroach oh man you sure really meant that okay the scene one two weeks later Himes in the Shiva he's a big Mossman he does not even bring a cell phone to Shiva because it's bittle Torah and one of his friends comes over to him with the phone and says listen it's a wife on the phone something really was going on here so him takes the phone to his ear and says yeah what do you do dear please hang up the phone and system someone I don't believe it she wants me to leave the basement she wants me to stop learning cuz it's too stupid bugs he gets in his car any fuming and he's furious and this smoke coming out of his ears he walks into the apartment and she's up on the jury okay okay lady here you happy I hope you're satisfied and he walks out the door goes back to the car goes back to the shaver to learn okay here's the question who was right who was right who was right was he right listen it's Bissell Torah you know look you know come on it's taking a husband home from from worker from yeshiva coz a cockroach was she right you know after all she's kind of scared and it is frightening to be in the apartment alone with a cockroach a young woman so who's right okay so I have a feeling that we could do one of those gender divides on this question where most of the guys would agree that he's right and most of the women I think would agree that she's right okay very good now I want to share with you something very interesting about that I'm not gonna do an actual poll but here we go when my kids were little and I remember very clearly that the girls were afraid of bugs and whenever there was a bug they would call the baby brother to come by take care of it and he would come and play they just had to make sure he didn't eat it because they used to and I don't know why it is but in my family the girls are all afraid of bugs and the boys aren't you know why I don't know why but it doesn't matter but that's a reality so here's just an interesting observation let's assume that it wasn't her in the apartment it was him now let's assume it wasn't a cockroach but it was a German Shepherd would he be up on a chair no he'd be out the window on a fire escape right but German Shepherd do you understand why this is one of the biggest mistakes that we all make in a marriage I judge but my spouse based on my reality and it's true he does not have a problem with cockroaches but guess what she does and it doesn't matter if it's rational and it doesn't matter if it's sane if that's where she's at right now that's what she's at and this reality is that we have a tremendous tremendous habit of judging our spouse based on my reality now it cuts across gender divides in a big way but it's not just gender it's almost everything in life we judge the world by my standards and they my wife is gonna do the same by the way I'm the smallest thing it happened again today I'm again married almost 30 years and I shot this morning I'd like to bring my wife call see you I usually get up much earlier and when she gets up I bring up coffee and every time I go to the fridge I have that little you see everyone knows that coffee tastes much better with thick creamer at least half and half but for sure it's got to be home milk and every time I make her coffee I have to resist because guess what she likes her coffee with skim milk but I know it's so much better with a happening I know it's cream it'll taste so much better and I want to bring her right and I have to remind myself I may like it with creamer but she likes a coffee with skim milk and as strange as it sounds we do this all the time my reality is the reality and if my husband doesn't get it so whatever he's got a problem you know my wife doesn't get it that's her issue and I call this being dismissive come on it's a guy thing it's a woman thing if my husband is my wife and if you watch yourself and I think you'll find that we do this all the time and I have a little solution to this problem a little background first Archimedes was a mathematician in Athens in the old days and the legend has it that the King was presented with a crown and the question was was the crown solid gold or was there silver that one of the guys look in so the King brought Archimedes in and told him to solve this problem tell me where there's silver in there or not now Archimedes knew that gold is heavier than his silver and he thought and he thought and he thought he couldn't figure out how do you fit how do you how do you do it anyway his legend set has it one day he's in the bath in Greece and and he's in the you know public bath there and he says Eureka I mean I found it Eureka and he runs from the streets of Athens he found the laws of buoyancy and he solved the solution okay now since that time it's been an accepted word in science Eureka and most people think that scientific discoveries are found with a moment Wow Eureka I'd like to share with you almost every scientific discovery throughout history was preceded by different words almost every discovery in the site history of science was preceded by the words that strange guy makes two chemicals expected exponents that is why why happened that's strange and then he went in through the process studied and thought and learned and then he came out Eureka I found it and I'm not just saying this Louis Pasteur you go through penicillin Alexander Fleming how he found it it just all of a sudden things were dying the bacteria were dying by the way microwave oven so Petri Spencer he was working a matte magnetron and he suddenly when he was working his magnetron he discovered that his pocket that's there's something sizzling and he reached in his pocket he found the chocolate bar was melted he discovered the microwave and almost every scientific discovery is preceded by the words that strange and then the person studies the phenomena and makes the discovery why it is okay folks are you ready would you like to know what are the two most important words in your marriage let's say I should a question what are the two most important words in your marriage I'm sorry thank you good one I'm sorry it's a good one right anyone else you're right right I have a better one that's even hard to say I'm wrong but yes dear oh yes dear okay now all these are great they're all very important thank you I love you of okay I love you I'm sorry you're right I'm wrong yes dear all of these are great but I believe that they're not the most important I believe the two and most important words in your marriage other words that strange that's strange you see when your wife does something that's really I don't she's a normal sane girl and normally she does say why is she reacting that way when you say to yourself nothing hurt when you say to yourself that's strange what you begin to do is begin to open yourself up to discover our world when your husband does something that's really irrational that really makes no sense and you're just about to say oh that's him again but you say that's strange because normally is a responsible guy normally he's so attentive that's strange you then open up the possibility of discovering the inner world of your spouse and you begin the process of learning what matters to your spouse learning how they function how they work and what your discover is that men and women work very very differently have very very different value systems but even within the same gender people are different and learning you're the inner world of your spouse and learning that my spouse isn't me and what I value doesn't mean my spouse values it and what I consider important doesn't mean my spouse does when you learn that world you're a lot closer to a much much better marriage and I believe that this is something that requires a lot of attention if you train your tongue to say the words but again that outwards but in words that's strange you then have the opportunity to climb into the world of your spouse you then have the opportunity to be far more happily married and I'm gonna make it a little bit easier I'm gonna start with the gentleman and I'm going to help you understand a little bit more some of the things that women probably understand is intuitively but most guys don't I'm gonna help you a little bit because again but let me just make it an important point here each human being is different so you have to become a student of your spouse not a teacher I'm a student of your spouse you have to understand their inner world you have to train yourself to understand because any rules about gender differences don't necessarily apply to your spouse and if they do it's not in the same way because every human being is unique but nevertheless I want to share with you some insights into the some of the gender differences before I do that though just a quick aside ladies what's worth fighting about what nothing really Jenna what's worth fighting about a marriage answer is nothing why because if you fight if you lose you lose and if you win you lose there are issues that are worth discussing and communicating and reaching a compromise or deciding what to do but nothing's worth fighting about however that's general general news gentlemen I want to give you some advice do not fight with your wife not because it's you know bantha no do not fight with your wife because I guarantee you'll lose she's so out and manju so out but she's an eighth degree black belt you'll lose every fight you know why she's going to remind you of everything you did wrong since my separation she's going to remember and recount through everything I don't get along your marriage I once had a woman tell me you know my husband did I said 20 years ago why is that do women a better recall do women have phenomenal memories you look at statistics and studies don't show it to be true women don't seem to have better Jen why is it that a wife will remember recall and recount me say it to you right you know step by step why is it yeah the cashier right okay I'll share with you the answer the answer is that women have a different emotionality women are more emotional they feel things to a greater degree and that which happened five years ago ten years ago she thought about spoke about went over and it's a part of her reality it's not that she has a better memory it's that it made a far bigger impact on her because generally speaking women are far more emotional it's almost like if you want to think about it men see the world in black and white women see it in color and what your wife experiences is very different than what you experience and what she feels is very different than what you feel and what I say to young fellows when they get married is your wife is not a crybaby because he'll tell us be careful with honesty you should be careful that you don't oppress your wife why because since her tears are closer therefore the oppression to her is it closer and Rashi explains exactly why she's more emotional as more emotionality there and therefore be careful with your words not because she's a crybaby but because she feels it more intensely she feels the pain she feels the embarrassment she feels the barbs penetrating much more than you do and that's an important thing to remember and it's important thing to be attuned to that woman's emotionality are is different but it's not just that women's emotionality is a different last time we spoke about the fact that women speak about different things than men do and they speak a better for different reasons we spoke about the fact that very often a wife will speak to connect to bond and a husband usually speaks to communicate but there's another very important difference you ever noticed that your wife will go on and on and you'll say to a con dear I mean we're not going broke we're not like we have plenty of money and you know please the kids are not really the most impossible things that are created and you know honey you really have to stop exaggerating notice that your wife goes through these emotions and I want to share with you something very very important to understand and women feel emotions more acutely and they speak about it usually to refine the emotion to define it to get a sense of it but when a woman's finished she's a little bit more calm and just watch women do it with women all the time they talk about their problems and their issues and they catch they complain you know they get and the other friend and so now afterwards woman's calmer maybe the second French oak all go through the same routine and it's the third time she's you know a fourth or fifth she's pretty calm and and different she understands the emotion because she now relates to it differently and it's inner compartment and then she comes home to her husband instead of calling her girlfriends for this and she treach's about her day and her husband says listen just solve the problem you don't have to catch about just deal with it well solve it well looks on and you ever notice that husbands are very quick ok now I I can't make this as clear as I wish I can make it but what you're doing is you're not allowing your wife to express their emotions and you're not allowing your wife to feel what you and you're not allowing her to share with you and it took me personally a long time I remember very clearly after 10 years of marriage when I sort of like made this discovery and I learned to do something at women do all the time you know what that is oh I really wow that's terrible oh that's really hurt I oh really really oh you know women make noise you know listening noises it's actually sociologists have studied this there are listening noises guys don't and what's the biggest complaint you never listen you know what tell her the whole conversation you just said you know listening now either he's a yeah so you have to learn how to listen with that empathy with that yeah oh yeah here I she's sharing with you she's sort of downloading and she's coming in tune with what she's feeling and you have to understand that that's a real need in your wife and if you do that you'll find that you connected better she feels much more comfortable with you and your marriage improves and you have to train yourself and it's not foolish it's not silly it's something's very important ok that's one issue let's go on for a moment ok I imagine the following situation a couple are going to a wedding and she goes up to prepare and he's working on Shelton bias he says I'm not no matter what happens I mean how long it takes her I am NOT going to say a word and she's up there for two hours already and he's sitting downstairs not saying a word I am gonna keep my mouth shut from bias is too important and soon a half hours and oh my goodness I didn't say nothing I ain't some after three hours she comes down the stairs he bites his tongue and he says okay dear you're ready and they get in the car and they go to the wedding good now and what would you call him brave Aggie were like Shimshon a kovash a sir a wise man maybe you know I call him dumb if your wife spent three hours trying to make herself look beautiful wake up and smell the coffee it's very important to her to be beautiful and the words you say are wow you look great you look beautiful gentlemen don't believe what your wife says now I don't care what she doesn't care you know in this country 426 billion dollars a year are spent on cosmetics on makeup and beauty put four hundred twenty six billion dollars don't tell me that women don't care about what they look she's up there for three hours because it's very very important and gentlemen learned to compliment your wife because it's a big deal tur and if her husband thinks she's beautiful it matters in a real way and train your tongue to say the words if you don't already and now I have to say something generally it's much easier for a man to compliment his wife about her looks because I'll tell us fame is shebeen a baile a woman has a hain no special appeal Rachid look at the Rashi that says a feeling the phalaris even she's ugly Shem gives a certain pain to a husband and it's pretty easy for a husband to look at his wife and say and feel that she's beautiful some of his eyes or his wife and not other places and that part's not so hard but there's another thing you have to train your tongue to compliment is her clothing now this one is a lot harder because as you know women dress for women right they're just for guys just a men right it moves minute a woman comes to the hospital oh wow where'd you get that outfits gorgeous well where'd you get it I never saw guys do that you know oh great I ho would you get that tie oh yeah oh wow okay okay so here's the observation we're married about five years this is the early 1990s and the fashion became these big bows on the back of women's dresses but I mean big bows like huge bows on the back of a woman's dress and they looked like Mickey Mouse is the most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen and it was a it was just dumb okay fine anyway hello and behold my wife comes home with a dress one day and says how do you like it who's that bow huge and what did I say wow it's gorgeous and the bow is the best part [Music] now I did a good enough job that my wife didn't discover the hope she doesn't want to take this did I didn't appreciate it as much as I could have maybe okay so here's the point the point is it's very likely that your wife is gonna wear something you look at anything and you and I know because you're not stood in the fashion but really so just train your tongue to say the words wow that's you look great you are beautiful the clothing looks great you look great Wow and gentlemen what do you think is going to happen so weird again I think a bigger boat no no it wasn't gonna say I believe when you look at your wife and say you're beautiful she will light up like a light bulb she'll start to shut its and you'll just see her change you know why because again is strange as it sounds to us men it is very very important to her that she'd be attractive that she'd be seen as attractive and by the way ladies is an aside it's very important that you remain attractive to your husband far more than you know have the the mirrors on the wrong side of the you know everybody gets you know make sure it checks their hair checks a shape let's check everything before they leave the house but when they come in it's a very different it's important that you remain very attractive to your husband there's an interesting story I had someone sent me an email that Georgie had a woman come to see a woman and the woman paid for the latest style of wig and the next year she came again and ordered a new wig latest style and the third year she came and Georgie found out that this woman never wears the wigs never she doesn't win and she's coming year after year paying a lot of money for the wigs and so Georgie couldn't resist in the fourth year coming when we came and she I just I feel like there's a question I understand you don't wear the wigs why why do you buy one every we're here so don't you understand my husband is out there in the world I know what he sees there and when he comes home I want to look beautiful for him I only wear the wig in the house outside I don't but I wear the wig in house you hear the wisdom of that woman it's a rough world out there you don't want your husband looking here there and everywhere make sure that your remain attractive make sure that you keep yourself up you'll do it anyway but it's important and it's important not just for the outside world it's important in your house but here in my point far more is a gentleman you have to notice it and you have to tell her and you have to let her know okay now here's an important observation I deal with and people at different stages of life in different situations I just recently I was at from divorce to ask me to just just speak at their shalba tone so I spent the whole Shabbos and I made it wasn't really there that I made the observation I made it long ago after a divorce you ever noticed that every single guy is abusive every guy who ever got divorced is abusive and almost every woman is controlling almost every single time when I you know you try to find out the information I say it's a second I wanna find out you find out the guy was abusive and usually also find out the ones controlling why is that why is that I know these people he's not abusive she's not controlling they're nice people why is it that that's not the rapport you get so and to understand this I want to do round three let's go back to our superhero hi I'm was big mas finish Eva and it's round three he comes home to his wife Shani it's a month later and he walks into the apartment again 6:30 opens the door and there she is sitting on the couch smiling Mimi he says hi how you doing good work him what's it's a I am you won't believe it what what you'll be so proud of you what do you remember a month ago I called you and the cola to come home there were three cockroaches today I went to the pantry I took the can of raid ice and I am so proud switch times is over I'm very impressive lady cutter you're bragging about that's what you think you'd be ok fine very good and suddenly she loses it she starts calling him a heartless creep you're the biggest creep in the world I can't believe I married you why never get stuck with you and he says to some whoa whoa what is a problem I thought she was stable she has emotional issues she's she's losing it what all I said was yeah you know it wasn't such a big deal I killed the attacker Oh general am I wrong ok of course he is wrong on one level because what he's not understanding is what was going on in her brain the first time when he walked into that apartment and she's up on the chair terrified and he walks in he says that's are you afraid of the interstate she was waiting for a husband to come home but my husband came on him he was gonna help me and not only doesn't he understand that I'm in pain he makes fun of me he mocks me what kind of creep and she keeps it inside and then two weeks later when he she calls him home from the Colo and he comes in and he says to her I just hope you appreciate it and he walks out the door she says this is what I'm working for to be married to such a creep such a heartless creep and in her mind like a tape recorder again and again and again it plays until the third time when he says something casuals I mean it's not really particularly bad and suddenly it boils over and she loses it okay folks here's something that's obvious but it requires being said I guarantee that any time that you there have an attacker in a marriage that attacker will be a victim in but a heartbeat see it doesn't matter who shoots the first arrow it doesn't matter who starts I guarantee you will receive back as much as you gave if not more and if you don't get this you won't even realize do you remember that woman I told you was Grammer obsessed and she couldn't constantly corrected her husband and she couldn't figure out for the life of her why her husband and didn't want to have a relationship with her I didn't want to like be with her she couldn't get it because what she didn't understand is that she was constantly hitting him and of course he was just a creep and he's a you know a bum remember that guy I told you about with the with the phone call the first to share said dummy why I met that guy three years after three years afterwards now by the way if you don't remember that was the guy with a temper I don't know why she left me and the reason I almost dropped the phone because I've been slipping that couple from marriage therapist marriages therapist for two years to get him to shut his mouth the most offensive in a temper every once a month or so he'd lose it but the most offensive words would come out of his mouth okay three years later I meet them I meet him he says you know we're talking about something he says listen a sham wanted me to marry that crazy woman for whatever the reason I had to grow in some area that's a chef's plan and now Bartha sham I'm moving on to my next marriage yeah didn't get it she was crazy she was nuts Chet psychological issues she had problems because guess what he didn't see that he was stabbing her he didn't perceive that and gentlemen and ladies both I have to share with you anytime you're involved in a situation with your husband with your wife you will always always feel that you are the victim you can't help it and you know why I'll make it very clear what is the difference between a philosophical question and an asylum right what's it in between a philosophical question and an asylum okay anyone know the difference okay it's really very simple a philosophical question is when you break your liver ash my good person yes it's been six weeks at home with Shania I don't understand it that's a philosophical question when I stub my toe wow that's an asylum because my pain is very real it's very easy to be an armchair philosopher about yen um's the other fellows situation but when I'm in pain that's no longer philosophy that's very real so folks here's the point anything that you'll ever do wrong in your marriage intellectually you'll understand it but anything you get back emotionally you'll feel it and guess which one's more powerful don't even guess because it doesn't matter and you may intellectually know what you've given out but emotionally what you're receiving back is incredibly more potent more powerful and you'll always remove you know why every guy is abusive in a wet in a marriage the reason is because any time is gonna be fighting and a woman's only gonna remember what he said and again she's gonna much better memory than he does anyway and she's going to perceive him as abusive no matter who started the fight okay now I have some words of Mooser that I have to say remember the last time I talked about a fellow who leaves his socks on the floor and his wife 10,000 times screams at him hi pick up your socks yeah we're married 20 years that we are finally okay and I said that you know she has a choice to make in that marriage either is going to embrace accept that that's his nature or she's going to suffer okay so I want to share with first a interesting perspective number one who's right so I get new CEO he's dead wrong listen buddy grow up you're 40 years old grow up pick your socks up and if you're such a slob so we're an extra job and get full time cleaning up to pick up after yourself because your wife doesn't have to be your servant however like any situation like any issue in a marriage there are two sides to the equation his job is to change an hard job is to remember that change is very difficult and as he has his floor she has hers and the more and she can overcome it and ignore it and learn to embrace it and say that's my husband the better of shield by the way the only right response I ever heard I was in Dallas just recently talking on this issue and one woman called me up afterwards and she said I just want you to know if my husband it wouldn't bother me at all and she explained why he has a heart condition I'm so happy he's alive and wouldn't bother me at all that was the only right answer I ever heard but anyway the point is any issue any annoying habit any coming late to coming on time there are two parts of the equation and your part is if you were causing the problem you have to change your spouse's part to accept it both parts are there and everything would be fine and well and if we weren't dealing with one little point have you noticed that how much I've been throwing a blame on the men's side tonight anyone notice I've been beating up the men tonight yeah the guys don't but not a single woman you know ladies I know him again I got one more I could add stuff you think you beat him a hug I'll keep it on yeah all the guys said yeah yeah we were saying yeah okay so anyway I have been specifically attacking them in and I saved all of my energy all of my ammunition on lace I for one issue one issue here we go do you remember um last week I mentioned that you just gotta accept your husband and your job in life is not to change him so first let me share with you the questions that came up because probably you don't remember now again let me make it clear your job in life your mission in life is not to change your husband you've changed yourself don't change osmond right the more you work on the relationship the better your marriage is the more you work on your spouse the more you wreck the relationship okay so I made it pretty clear I thought so the first question was well what if I do it nicely no don't change your husband's not your job the next question was well what if I used positive motivation no it's not your job to change your husband well next question was what if I use humor no it's not your job don't change all that it's not what you're supposed to do it's not the right approach he'll take it in a bad way it's gonna bother him it's not gonna go so the next question after that was what if I use consequences you know if you do this all day right no don't change Oz but now I don't think a single guy in that year last week didn't of course on the other side I'm not quite sure because I get an email right afterwards it reads like this I'll read the words rabbi enjoyed this year very much and I'm not arguing I'm just asking so I can better understand if I can't do it nicely or with humor or positive influence all the consequences then how am I gonna change him I'm not making this up oh and here's a better one yeah two days later getting along if so many women are commenting on this despite all the time spent on this topic then maybe it's not that we're not understanding you maybe we just don't agree with you is it possible yeah it is so here we go let's try it ladies you know much better than me I got it okay I'm fine let's do a little experiment we'll play a little let that strange game let's imagine for a minute your marriage is going real well you know if everything is fine and dandy and everything and your husband leaves the socks on the floor for the ten thousand and one time so what do you do you give it to him but good and what happens to your marriage the men do not take well to criticism men do not take well to being mothered men do not take well to being treated as if they're children and the more you feel that your husband is just another one of your kids and you got it and somebody's gonna finally teach him the more and you're going to wreck your marriage now ladies don't misunderstand what I'm saying if he's doing something that annoys you I get it he's supposed to change you're supposed to embrace it but half of the problem is not the that act itself it's an attitude of and I've heard women say this to me on a regular basis if I don't teach him how is he ever gonna learn he's not gonna learn and you're not gonna teach him any will learn and it's not your mission and again I don't want to be too heavy over here but I saved everything right ladies and not one criticism I'd say one thing answer women other than this don't change your husband please again dealing with issues we all have issues every but you have to recognize that the more you can embrace it the more you could accept it the more you're just able to go on the happier you'll be the better your marriage will be and I believe is a tremendous just so we learned from unocal Aveeno and that your soul is and he came to the kala empty-handed despite the fact that he's bringing the greatest gift imaginable he's bringing in Olam haba that's hard to imagine and he knew it and she knew it nevertheless it's not nice it's not shana not proper and understanding that there's certain behaviors and certain activities that are just not acceptable I wouldn't do it to anybody else why do I do it to my spouse and you have to work again on the romantic love you have to go out once a week you have to work on the respect you have to train yourself to be respectful and you have to work on the appreciation the appreciation the easiest exercises you write down on the list can you write that I know what if I change them we'll help you write down on the list and the things that your spouse does for you gentlemen if you're honest it won't take you ten minutes it'll take you a half hour because you'll write and you're right or you're right and you're right and then you work on appreciating your spouse and then you work on the flip side of that communicating to your spouse that you appreciate her that you appreciate him and you save the words and you'll find your spouse is shocked I would just love to be a fly on the wall when a husband says to his wife you know I I never said these words you but say you take care of the kids in the house and I mean I'm really just so appreciative oh what'd you say was it no I just said I'm so appreciative what'd you say I just you know what you do for the kids and everything what do you want what do you want to do you want to leave for a week what do you want what do you you try it but try it and if you think I'm kidding I'm not there's not a single cup by the way I don't think a men or a woman I don't think as a single spouse who ever said yeah my my spouse fully appreciates me and it's unfortunate now it's okay for teenagers because they're kids but we're not kids and we got to work on it and again the simplest way to work on is you make a list and then for the next 30 days you spend 10 minutes reading the list and you begin training yourself you begin controlling the flow of consciousness and you recognize that that's the biggest you sewed in Yiddish guide controlling your thoughts that shapes your moods shapes shapes who you are and you have to understand that this is a secret to a successful marriage you blow up the balloon you work on it in the positive and you figure out what the pins are one of the biggest obstacles to successful marriage is judging your spouse by your standards and and like that guy who looked at his wife on the chair like she's some kind of crazy Dame if you judge your spouse from your world you're not being fair and if to climb into their world and one of the best ways to do to say the words that's strange again not to your spouse say it to yourself that's strange and then you open yourself up to the question why is she behaving that way why is he doing that and suddenly have a different sense of things you have a different understanding and I want to close with one story this story the first part I'll bet you you know and the second part of it I almost guarantee you don't know here we go Rose almond her if someone's on Dharma at the La Vie afore his wife he said as follows he got up and said I said a husband and we was finished he said it's a minute be a strong to ask my fila it's accepted practice to ask for food look to ask forgiveness it was the last time you're gonna speak to the mace and it's an accepted practice it's almost universally done that you're answering the Fila I'm not going to ask Mahela for my wife because there was nothing in our marriage that we ever did one to the other that I would have to ask Mithila for I'm not asking Mithila because there was nothing to ask Makela for that's we ended his husband okay that's a famous story anyway there was a young man who was newly engaged and he decided he's gonna learn sharp eyes from none other than reform Osama now because it clearly where Shiva understands the secret and he went over to her so his element and he asked her Shiva could her Shiva please share with me and from Azam was very very generous was time he spent time with young man and getting some eighths's gave some thoughts a second time this young man came and again we're someone was sent with him and spend some time explaining that okay very nice young man gets married six months later young man said winning and this reform Azam and Alber and crucial Mazama knows him and to all the miles de month America tell me how's house how's the marriage hell's the fellow says may new clothes great there's nothing we disagree on everything perfect you got married you met six months you how's your marriage maimie new clothes waters of tranquility we see everything the same way we're always in agreement it's great it's it's good some of the time said you got married you got married yeah six months you got married and it was clear that there was something missing here so the young man says to her from something I understand receiver what's so unusual didn't there should say at the LA via his wife that there was nothing to ask Mahela for so listen to his words which woman said don't you understand of course we view things differently of course I looked at it this way she looked at this way there are many many times when we disagreed but it was how he handled the disagreements we never fought never raised our voice but it's impossible for two human beings not to view things differently not to have different values and different importance if you say to me you view things every the same way it can't be and I think what they're Shiva was telling us what is you so of course you're gonna view things differently they're gonna be lots of stuff it's how you deal with it now you approach it and that's ultimately secret of success mission grant us tremendous a sloth enemy