The Marriage Seminar #4: The Hidden Secret of Appreciation - Rabbi Benzion Shafier

[Music] rifka sees hakodesh that a sub wants to kill Yaakov she tells Yaakov to run away Yaakov runs away and eventually ends up at the well and eventually ends up meeting ruffle and instantly he understands that this is his Bashar and he immediately understands who she is the essence of who she is and they immediately agree to get married and interestingly enough the puss ik says the isha of the ruffle valley ciccolo the 8th Yaakov raises his voice and cries in a whale by yeast ciccolo means he literally let out a loud wail why did he raise his voice and cry so rushes to explanations the first is because he saw that she wouldn't be Nick Nessus Amalapuram when she was going to be buried along the path along the way because the clients felt would need ruffle steel as many generations later but the point is that Yaakov saw that she was not going to be buried with him and therefore he cried now let's stop on there for a minute you probably are wondering why is that a reason to raise your voice and cry there's a reason why ruffle is going to be buried along the road because the client soul needs her you need their trailers and that's what's appropriate that's what's proper why are you crying and if we take nothing else and from this Rashi just the understanding that a husband and wife are together and there's a life together and an end together they say that winner of pom was miffed earth at night someone came to the apartment and Rebbetzin pom was ironing his kettle for the top reason and that's a certain understanding that it's forever it's a couple it's for life and again when you see Yaakov Avena raised his voice in crying because there's something lacking in the SH Lemus it's not a complete marriage in the sense that we're not gonna be very together you begin to understand that it's clearly marriage is a little different than we typically take it listen to the second answer the Dover akka now she says what's the other reason why a different shot why Yakko cried because he bought it came via Diane ricany as he came empty-handed as soon as he ran away Asaph sent his son elihas to go chase down Yakov a leafless was that Sonic the major's explains that he would grew up in the lap of your son a leafless comes to Yaakov and he says and kill you obviously I can't but Matty led borough shell of you what's going to be with the deburr my father gave me Ashley clothes what am I going to do with that D where I can't just ignore it so Jakob says ok and I hear there's a lung dis unnie hush of Khamis a dead man is considered in some level as if a poor man is considered some level is he as if he's dead take all my money and then in some way you fulfilled the key but of you fulfilled the deburr of your father and in fact Yaakov parted with all his money and he showed up to ruffle without the tremendous wealth Yaakov raised his voice crying because he said look at this Eliezer my father's his servant came with 10 camels laden with all types of things and I show up empty-handed ok now I heard my regulars Shiva that sound making a very interesting point to me and he says that Yaakov Aveeno had a choice he could have told the leaf us ok tough luck your father is a wicked man your father gave you eight so vlog gave you a command to do something wrong tell your father you didn't do it and get done but that's not why you have said Jakob said I'll give you all of my money because at least you will fulfill somehow the deeper and the shooter's at Southpoint was you see the extent the incredible extent I think that Yaakov had for anyone's fulfillment of a mitzvah even if it's just a leafless mitzvah even if it's not his own and even if it's only not in the best way Yakko was willing to part with all of his money okay everyone got that okay good in 1986 if you took $10,000 and you invested it in Microsoft at the IPO and you sold those shares in 1999 your $10,000 would it then be worth seven million dollars now I want you to imagine for him to follow me imagine that there's a young fellow who knows what's going to be well they all know he tells them and it's 1986 and he says to himself this is incredible and he scrounges and he borrows and he sells everything he has and he gets everything everybody possibly can borrow a penny from he does and he invests $100,000 into Microsoft's initial public offering and very shortly thereafter he gets engaged and he shows up to the College says listen I'll be honest with you I intended to buy you a beautiful diamond but I have no money I took all of the money that I invested in Microsoft and I want you to understand we're going to get married I'm gonna have kids and 13 years from now I'm going to sell those shares and it's gonna be worth 80 million dollars so here's a question do you think she would say hey that's terrible no I have to imagine she'd be quite ecstatic with the concept assuming that she believed him she'd be very happy that he took the money and invested it because eighty million dollars goes a long way okay here's the point when a husband and wife get married it's not just in this world and it's not just until the Qura it's in this world and it's a world to come we need to say it's husband and wife forever that means to say your life partners and my regulars that's all used to say partners in this life and partners in the world to come as well and if anyone here says their spouse is going to get him hey you in big trouble an understanding that it's forever this world and the next world is you so that's very important to understand so here's the question Yakko shows up to ruffle with a tremendous value I gave away all my money for someone else to fulfill a mitzvah the clients all will understand that for generations and that act and that act is worth innumerable unimaginable reward in the world to come yes I don't have a trinket yes I don't have a diamond for you but I'm bringing you that that mitzvah that I fulfilled that the clients were going to speak about to really mean who that was much greater see here's the question okay he didn't have the trinket he brought us something greater it's like the hustle showing up and with the shares of Microsoft why is Yakko crying why is he walking in there crying why is he so upset that's they used to call of the age okay and I'd like to see if this evening if we can understand why in fact he is crying and when in fact this Rashi shares with us okay not to do this I have to share with you a perspective I was a high school ready for about 15 years and I found and something very very compelling you guys could be very mental they could have a tremendous sense of generally decorum derech Eretz etc but they had almost no appreciation for their parents zero I'll give you just a couple of examples I was once speaking to a fella and I told maybe you should do this in this he said if I do that I'm gonna owe my father something I don't know my father anything I wanted to grab the guy by the shirt collars fell in whose bed do you sleep who pays your tuition who paid for everything since you were put into this work I don't want to owe my father anything and I used to talk about this on and on and on and I would go through the math if you're brought up in and not in a Jewish home they say from the birth until 18 years of age the average parents will spend two hundred and fifty thousand dollars to bring a kid up but that's not including camps it's not including yeshiva tuitions and I would go on and on that everything that you are is cuz your parents and your mother sat on the floor teaching how to read and your father brought you to show the fact that you know how to be a mensch anything that you'll ever be is cuz your parents okay one day in sheer I was going on and on and on for about 40 minutes and then it was time I have a break and finally when the guys come something goes really I get it I get it I get it I got it but that's their job when they decided to have me they have to now do what they're supposed to do so why do I owe them anything and I explained to this young man that it's true when you have a child you're obligated to take care of that child that's their husband but you are the recipient of tremendous good their obligation is their obligation but you have been pampered and loved and taken care of and you have to recognize that and when we all understand that teenagers are pretty weak in this area I'd like to share with you that most spouses are very weak when it comes to appreciation as well and it's something that requires some real focus and I would like to spend a few minutes this evening on that topic I remember very clearly when I was first married we were in Colville at the time and you know Burke Hashem I'm happily married and again my wife isn't here so she can't argue with my observation but it's been almost 30 years in marrakesh him were very happily married however there were certain things that my wife did I wasn't so happy with and I remember distinctly saying to myself but I can't say anything why because she's doing my job as well she was working that's my job I was learning and I had this real strong huh saga that I yeah I'm not happy with it but I can't say anything because she's doing my job as well as her job so gentlemen let me make a very important observation unfortunately many women work today and unfortunately because it becomes a tremendous burden she's doing your job when you sign done neck Suba you signed the words on f love for okay the ease in their finest estate I'm going to work I'm going to treat you with honor I'm going to feed you I'm going to clothe you that's the man's obligation and if a wife goes to work whether she makes a fortune of money or she makes a pittance she's doing your job and it's important to remember that an important to understand that but that's not really the sum total of a husband's obligation to appreciate his wife would you like to start and dealing with the issue in a serious way I have a little Musa exercise when you go home tonight and go to your sock drawer open the draw and look at the neatly arranged freshly laundered socks and then ask yourself the following question gee how'd they get there I don't want to be too graphic here but a couple of days ago they're on your feet smelly and dirt right but they're neatly right now they're no elves right Noel look I'm like no your wife Lorne Greene your wife cleaned it you know the Shiva's father have done with this L would not allow the Rebbetzin his wife to touch his socks from the moment you it's not respectful to reminiscing but your hurry Batson doesn't have that problem or you don't have that problem allowing your rim but the point is if a man looks around his house and just looks at his clothing looks at his bedding looks at the towels looks at the pots and the dishes and everything in the house you quickly see that there's a tremendous debt of gratitude a tremendous amount that any man owes his wife and it really goes much much further than just taking care of the laundry and the house and the cooking and the cleaning and everything else we lived in Rochester for 12 years I was a ribbing in high school there who moved to Muncie about 16 years ago and we moved to Muncie I said to my wife I don't want you baking Kalla anymore in Rochester there was no bakery that we could buy challah in Muncie they're quite a few of them and I said I don't want your baking collar anymore hey my wife said I mean it's one of the mistress of a woman too big fella what why don't you want me baking challah so I said it's very simple you only have so much time in your day if you wonder what the main mitzvah of a woman is it's to be on the floor with our children playing with them bringing them up and if you're gonna bake Kaulitz a nice mitzvah but it's nowhere the Mitzvah of actually bringing up our children and by the way as an aside but I mean it as an aside I have a suggestion you figure out how much cleaning help you could possibly possibly afford and then hire a little bit more than that because you see real good time management is not about figuring out how to do more things in your time real time management is figuring out what your priorities are what are the major things that really you want done and if you ask me the main thing a man should want his wife doing is bringing up his children and folks if you have children you owe your wife a debt of gratitude that's larger than life I just love it when the woman goes away for three days and she leaves the household to the husband now she spent three weeks preparing everything make sure everything is right and still the guy I think he's got the dentist appointment I got here I got it and he's frazzled to his extreme and it's just a simple reality that if your children are half normal if they're a half clothed if they're actually showing up to yeshiva to be shakhov as healthy fed the children you owe your wife a debt of gratitude that's incredible and beyond description okay now it happens to be that women also owe their husbands a debt of gratitude I was one speaking to a woman who said to me I can't respect my husband he barely learns he runs through dominating and learning look does it off the only but it is not really into it I can't respect him I said okay now she lived in a very very nice house she and her husband drove very nice cars and had quite a bunch of kids and a number of him whirring Cola so I said let's do the math what do you think you pay now in tuition and support of the Kolo she didn't have a clue so I helped her do the math and we figured out it's about a hundred thousand dollars a year between supporting to son and laws and six kids in yeshiva and her husband was earning enough money to pay hundred thousand dollars a year for their children's Torah education and then I said tell me something what time does your husband leave the house not six and morning what time does he come home at night 8 or 9 I said the story takes an hour long lunch right no we can like quickly gobbles the sandwiches well I'm good but he probably plays golf a couple of afternoons a week right no in fact he's frazzled and hassled and working so I said madam do you appreciate your husband is giving his life and working day and night for one reason so that you and your children should have a house you should have food you should have clothing and look around your house and look at what you have and say the words this is astonishing what my husband gives to me the stipple agon says if you're not sure that you should remark our talk to your spouse just imagine what it would be like if you didn't have a spouse and imagine for a moment that you were bringing up your children in a basement apartment you're six or eight kids or whatever it is in a basement apartment and you had no money for anything else and then look at your life and you realize that there's a debt of gratitude that a wife has to a husband that is also immeasurable and the reality is and then on both sides of the Melissa here we have a tremendous tremendous debt of gratitude that we owe our spouse and the strange part is that almost never does a husband appreciate a wife almost never does a wife really appreciate a husband and I believe that this is the eighth really dumb mistake that many smart couples make they don't work on the appreciation they don't recognize how much they owe their spouse and therefore the marriage starts disintegrating little by little because and that sense of appreciation isn't there now you may say to me okay great but why don't we do that's just a reality you're busy in life people doing it's all I don't appreciate my spouse I don't appreciate what my wife doesn't mean I don't fisherman so what could I do about it so I want you to listen very carefully and there are two loss of seeds in the Torah Losar mode means don't covet loss this don't desire means don't desire don't desire your neighbor's donkey his cow his don't desire his house his car anything that another person has there's a full love in the Torah not to desire now the Eman is an obvious question you could tell me not to do you could tell me not to say how can you tell me not to desire and the ebenezer says only a fool ask such a question and it's a prokinetic makes it even more clear he says the words it is completely within the hands of a person to change his thoughts to think the thoughts that he wants to and not think the thoughts that he doesn't want to and I'd like to share with you a is sowed for life your stream of consciousness those thoughts are kind of like race across your brain you can control them but more than that if you don't control them then you are in very very grave trouble first of all you'll violate many many lots of things on a regular basis but more than that you'll never be happy you'll never be satisfied and you'll suffer tremendously that Menezes point he says is if you look at most of the myths of the Torah they're to be Miya share the heart of man to make a person think differently ceil differently those are most of the misses and if you don't take control of that stream of consciousness you'll never reach that and more than that you're going to suffer tremendously and this is not just you sowed for marriage this is you sold for happiness it is sold for solving depression and jealousy and anxiety and a host of psychological problems and I'd like to share with you an exercise if you'd like to improve your marriage here's a little exercise you go home you take a sheet of paper and you write down the benefits that you receive from your spouse now if you're a guy you better bring two pads of paper because you're going to find a very long list of what I owe my wife and if you're not sure and you can't somehow grip it just do the next step what if she wasn't in my world what if she wasn't here what would fall apart and again just go through the house and go through your children and go through your daily routine and write it down but you have to actually do the exercise because I love when I say I got this great exercise but you don't actually do it if you if you listen to this but you don't actually do it it ain't gonna work but part one is and you spend time writing it down part two is the main part every day for the next thirty days you spend ten minutes reading that list and speaking it out ten minutes ten minutes focusing on exactly what it is that you're oh your wife and ladies the same you focus if my husband wasn't here what would life look like and you write these things down and for the next thirty days you spend ten minutes a day reading them reading them and guess what's gonna happen your flow of consciousness is gonna change during the day you'll realize something you know I do all my husband intagram and I get and you add that to the list and you know my wife will get and you add that to the list and if you do this for thirty days you might just have a very different sense of who your spouse is and what your relationship to your spouse is and I believe you'll have a lot more cars ATO's and that's part one but there's a part two part two goes like this once a week for the next month and that once a day but once a week for the next month I want you to say to your spouse I appreciate what you do for me and then spell it out now I say once a week because if you do it every day it's gonna be shocked and overloaded and like I don't know husband is gonna fall off the chair wives are gonna be you know so it'll be sufficient right now for once a week and once a week you say to your spouse I really appreciate that what you do and you spell out what it is and if you're a little shy in a beginning to do it you could write it in a card you could write it in a note but it really is a lot better if you speak it out and what you quickly discover it is for most of us it's very uncomfortable and why is it uncomfortable because I'm not used to doing it you get it you hit a punchline I'm not used to doing it you know how many women have said to me my husband does not appreciate what I do for him and you know what never hundreds incorrect but it's okay ladies you know totally off the hook because I gotta tell you a lot of men also say the same thing but this is one of these so do you see if you want to work on your marriage and the first part of it is the positive stuff that means they're romantic and part of the you go out once a week you build that bond you build the attachment the respect which is also something you need to work on and this is a tremendous third part and that is appreciation what it is that I own my spouse but the problem is that appreciation unless you work on it unless you really focus on it it doesn't come you have to do the exercises and you do it and it changes but this is the ax so DIF you work on the positive what you're doing is blowing up that balloon and then what you got to figure out is how to remove the pins that you've been poking into it and your marriage changes no marriage changes instantly but if your marriage is good and you start implementing right tools it goes from good to great if it's bad it goes to good but it's slow slow increments you blow more air into the balloon you blow the balloon you blow the balloon and you figure out what the pins are and what are the holes that you were popping into that balloon up until now you work on the positive you put more air into the balloon you put less pins into it and a marriage changes